It has been a shitty few weeks / months and my life is not changing in the way I expected.
I am mostly going to spend the night cuddling my dogs and eating my feelings. I will spend tomorrow outside reading in the sun.
Tuesday I go back to work for the first time in 2 weeks and I am NOT ready.
Tuesday is hopefully also the day I get to take my cast off my leg and released from the DR - fingers fucking crossed. The other option is surgery..
I have horrible neighbors. Their dogs like to run over and attack my dogs.
I think NCIS is on TV but I am not actually watching it
I think I am looking for someone to chat with long term. Not interesting in a relationship, just friends. SFW friends.
I might turn on sims. I have to break up with my sim bf because my bf is quiet quitting me - that is the worst.
Looking forward to you distracting me.

TimeStamp: https://imgur.com/a/2xpwi8R
Happy Memorial Day weekend!
I’m having a need to pay for ER vet bills blow out sale! Thanks doggo
HSP Thorax RG Medium $450 OBO •OG TRMP Placard •Large Structural Cummerbund •Light Sodium use
HSP Flatpack Plus /w straps $100 • Has replacement zipper pulls and extra ones to go with it •Has seen use
AWS SMU BELT SETUP $325 OBO • SIZE Large COLOR Ranger Green •HSP Double Pistol mag pouch RG • HSP Single Rifle Mag pouch Gen 1 x 2 RG • Coyote tactical Stomp XL RG • TREX ARMS Ragnarok G19 /w TLR1 RG • TREX ARMS Leg strap Ranger Green • SafariLand QLS AND UBL BLACK • Slight use
PSA 10.5 FSB UPPER $200 • Includes Bolt carrier group • Includes charging handle • No Use
Eagle H-Harness $60 • Surplus New • has all foam padding • No Use
TREX ARMS UNO $90 • Color Black • Size Medium • No Use
FREE RED SLING Upon purchase and if you want it I have no use for it
PICTURES: https://imgur.com/a/2xpwi8R WILL INCLUDE PICTURE OF DOG UPON REQUEST
Payment via PayPal F&F no notes

During my teenage years, I fell into the alt-right pipeline and became deeply involved in the right-wing influencer sphere. My journey began with watching "SJW cringe clips," but it quickly progressed to following figures like Crowder and a now-banned neo-Nazi named James Allsup. I also briefly frequented subreddits like cringeanarchy and kotakuinaction, which were known for their alt-right and misogynistic content.
Although I was only 15 at the time and more interested in mocking "SJWs" than being a genuine neo-Nazi, I still feel immense guilt and fear about my past actions. I made a few posts on those subreddits, thinking that the clear Nazi dog whistles were ironic jokes, and was genuinely shocked to find out that some of the posters were serious about their views.
Though I had a massive change of mind around the time I turned 16-17, (Unsurprising being I was still a teen kid with a non-function prefrontal cortex) to this day years and years later I still feel incredible guilt and fear about people finding out about my past. If you were to find my old username, which in my infinite wisdom as a 15 year old I used for other sites, you could find a few posts, (Or at least titles of posts) from my old account. It causes me extreme anxiety years later. (I won’t state my exact age but for reference this was over 6-7 years ago.)
Around the same time, on a note that may at first seem unrelated, a classmate introduced me to Hentai porn, which exists in a legal gray area because all the content is drawn. Content that contains clearly implied to be underage characters (It even has an entire sick subgenre) and characters in abuse situations are incredibly easy to stumble upon. While I never actively sought out this content, I def saw it while browsing for more "normal" porn. Before highschool I had watched porn literaly like twice and was caught by a parent. I really had no conception of what was normal and healthy. Similar to my run in with alt-right politics I ended up quitting all porn before leaving highschool, around 17 or 18.
Now, years and years later, I still feel anxious about people finding out about my past. I see a counselor to deal with my guilt and fear, and they tell me to view my actions as a result of unfortunate exposure rather than solely my fault. However, I struggle to forgive myself, as there is no one to apologize to, because I ultimately only hurt myself. Although I have the start of a successful career, I can't shake off the fear of people finding my old racist and homophobic Reddit account or somehow discovering what NSFW content I saw. Even if extremely improbable, I have nights where I can hardly sleep. My friends have assured me that my experience was not unique, and plenty of people have run-ins with extreme political content and NSFW content in highschool, but this really brings me no comfort.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you find closure?

I found this interesting and I figured others would, so here are the stats for songs playing during the tour of the US so far.
Songs that have been played at every single concert:

1. A Forest
2. Alone
3. And Nothing is Forever
4. Boys Don't Cry
5. Burn
6. Close to Me
7. Endsong
8. Friday I'm in Love
9. From the Edge of Deep Green Sea
10. I Can Never Say Goodbye
11. Just Like Heaven
12. Lovesong
13. Lullaby
14. Pictures of You
15. Push
16. The Walk

​
Songs that have been played at all except one concert so far:

1. A Night Like This (skipped on second night in Chula Vista, CA)
2. Inbetween Days (skipped in Albuquerque, NM)
3. Six Different Ways (skipped on last night in Los Angeles, CA)

​
Songs that have been played at most concerts so far (75% or less in decreasing order percentage-wise):

1. Doing the Unstuck (75%)
2. It Can Never Be the Same (75%)
3. Shake Dog Shake (75%)
4. At Night (58%)
5. Cold (58%)
6. Play for Today (58%)
7. A Thousand Hours (58%)
8. Disintegration (50%)
9. Plainsong (50%)
10. The Last Day of Summer (42%)
11. Want (42%)
12. A Strange Day (33%)
13. Charlotte Sometimes (33%)
14. Another Happy Birthday (25%)
15. Let’s Go to Bed (25%)
16. If Only Tonight We Could Sleep (17%)
17. Kyoto Song (17%)
18. Prayers for Rain (17%)
19. Primary (17%)
20. The Hungry Ghost (17%)
21. Three Imaginary Boys (17%)
22. Trust (17%)

​
Songs that have only been played once:

1. The Hanging Garden
2. 39

I (32m) haven't been diagnosed. But the more I read, the more I feel like I've been on the spectrum my entire life. Im in a situation where I've had to move back in with authoritarian parents. I think they love me and want the best. But I can't go to them for advice. They can't give me good advice because they don't know the real me, because I've been masking ever since I can remember. They also have an agenda, which is to get me "the fuck back out of their house as soon as possible." So even despite the masking, they have self interests that make it, in my opinion, impossible to get useful advice from. I don't have any money or insurance to see some or even talk to someone about this. I'm becoming increasingly suicidal (diagnosed MDD & ADHD). I haven't taken my medication (fluoxetine) in months because I can't afford the copay and my doctor won't fill another prescription until I go in person for a checkup. I saught companionship about a year ago and have been in a relationship with a woman who I recently realized that I don't care for. She's manipulative and condescending and honestly the exact opposite of the smart, liberal, understanding, supportive women that I'm used to dating. She's now 12 weeks pregnant, is super in love with me, and is so excited for us to have a baby. The plan has been to find some sort of employment (probably another kitchen), ask her father for his blessing, settle down ect ect.
I have nothing to my name and nobody to turn to. I was never taken to the doctor as a child. Even though I grew up upper-middle class. And I didn't go in my 20s because I self medicated with marijuana. I stay locked in my bed all day every day, where I used to watch TV or play video games, or scroll on my phone, among other interests; but now I just cuddle my dog and cry until I can't anymore, at which point I stare at the walls or the ceiling, wishing I could just fall asleep, which comes rarely. I do not do drugs. Ive brought up to my parents that there's a possibility I could have some sort of autism, but they immediately dismiss it. I feel so incredibly helpless and if one more internet person tells me "you're not alone" I'm going to disintegrate.
Ive been misunderstood by anyone who has ever meant anything to me, as well as those who don't.

Qobuz sounds the best. On my PC. Even on Android. It is the middle of 2023, and when I want to play music in the background on the XBox series X it ALMOST works, but still stops after ever track. It is not hard (hire me if this seems too wild for you, Qobuz), but if you want more subscribers... If you want more ANYTHING, you don't use MQA, the Xbox can handle it without any intermediary, just build an app. If you don't know how hire me or literally anyone that freelances. Next week you will have an app that literally beats EVERY OTHER SERVICE. I have Deezer because it is the only true Hi-fi and it is a scattered, sad mess of a service, but at least the ONE WITH CD QUALITY. And sadly, that isn't good enough because Qobuz sounds amazing, not just on the PC, but even one song at a time in XBOX Seeies X.
Qobuz, You are compatible, and be the first to offer not just Hi-Fi but actual hi-res without caveats in the fine print. All the others.. high quality but. It even hifi. And I tried running it through ever media server and connection possible and the best I can get is one song and then a nightmare to get to the next.
Qobuz, you might not have the biggest market share, but if you want it not in two years or two months, but two weeks, YOU GOT IT. We want it. Don't even have a meeting and delay, just do it already. It is Qobuz's SHOT, no matter the endgame, if you deliver, your goal will. E delivered.
And the fact that the technology for my phone to the Xbox didn't play one song and then maybe another song if I try hard enough at the exact bit rate means that you are perfectly capable of making an app native to Xbox or even webOS (I specifically want your music by my games but literally anything)….. The tech is real available to do it before someone else does because no one likes Deezer. It doesn't sound as good but it's the only actual CD quality available and anyone who's tried your service knows that yours sounds even better at high res.
And it is infuriating to watch a company that actually has all the goods squander it I mean maybe you want to be sold to someone else I don't know but I'll tell you what, you'll be of more value if you actually do what I'm just suggested by multiple X's.
Alternatively if anyone really figured this out please just tell me so I can pay less when Qobuz is forever reason doesn't do a damn thing.
It is 2023 HELLO, no one wants to buy more equipment that half works, regardless of my specific use case. We.habe all had it because all can be don't for all.of us with software. And you would make a lot more money in subscriptions then exclusive deals with a limited number of manufacturers where you don't even know how many people that use those manufacturers is actually going to use your service.
I digress but please contact me or contact you ever you got it'll take a week and it's not just you it's every service and the fact that I have to use dessert to get literally CD quality while I'm playing a game never mind that when I'm at my computer I want the best quality or I can't control anything with Amazon echo or get it in my car like it's 2023 and if I misspoke and I can do one of the things I just said I shouldn't have to do a ton of Google searches find nothing and then buy a piece of equipment or not but have someone walk me through it...
You sound better than all the others and we're talking about Spotify Amazon whatever So act like it. I won't even go into the other issues that pelpel have experienced forever. We still subscribe because the audio quality is astounding. Make the whole experience match what you offer, and watch Qobuz exlpoiad...in the right way. :)

Wife had a freakout about 20 minutes ago and looking for feedback.
So my wife is pregnant (22 weeks) and we have 3 kids (one with severe ADHD, one with attention seeking behavior, the oldest is normal). Kids are a handful, even for me. Most days my wife is called in to school to deal with our two youngest kids behaviors, on top of everything else she is doing. Unfortunately due to this, she lost her job. The kids are both under evaluation to get 504 plans and IEPs but the school is taking their sweet time (it's been over 2 months). So my wife has a really stressful week, damn near every week. Generally speaking she holds her composure incredibly well, which is why I'm so baffled by her blow up tonight. I work 50-60hrs a week. Leave at 5:30a and get home usually by 8p and make sure to help around the house before doing anything but she's still stressed (understandably).
Wife has been a bit more snippy lately and losing patience. Been snapping at the kids more often and snapping at the dog A LOT more often (the dog has anxiety and whines frequently, always has, as well as having behaviors of her own that are being worked on with a BT). My wife is just touched out, noticeably. But today she seemed fine. She was calm. Laughing. Smiling. Even brought the kids to the beach (I took work off early to meet them). When we got home she kind of "checked out" and went to the vehicle to listen to music while I got the kids in bed. But still seemed to be in a good mood when she came back inside an hour later.
We lay down and I call my dog on to the bed and was loving on her and then I said something like "get momma" or "give momma loves" (can't remember which). And my wife lost it a bit. Said something to the affect of "I truly cannot understand why you think that I want you to shove that dog in my face every single fucking night after I am constantly overstimulated and overworked throughout the day. Keep the dog away from me. I don't want her to come get me. I don't ever want her in my face and I shouldn't have to tell you that." Claiming stupidity on this one, I do know that she doesn't like anything in her face and I honestly didn't realize the depth of that until tonight. She went to sleep on the couch because of how pissed she was. Now I'm really curious if I'm wrong.

I'm a cook and there's this waitress who's worked there since last year that I really like. She started last year then left for college but just came back 2 weeks ago. Ever since she's come back she's been talking to me a bunch and constantly finding reasons to talk to me 1 on 1. She's talked to me a lot about her life and will come up and talk to me and ask how my day's going or questions about myself. Sometimes we'll lock eyes for a while then she starts smiling and says my name and will walk over to me.
Anyways, me and 2 other co workers were talking about a movie we watched and the girl came up and talked with us about the movie. I told her how all 3 of us watched the movie together and she says "Wow I can't believe you guys didn't invite me". I showed her a picture of us at the theater when we watched it but I didn't think anything of it then the conversation went on for another minute.
Afterwards one of my coworkers started calling me an idiot and saying I'm stupid and missed literally the perfect time to ask her for her number (For reference all my coworkers know I like her). He said I had my phone out and could have easily asked for her number and that I blew a perfect chance to, and that I could have said something like asking her if she wanted to go watch it again.
I didn't think it was a good time to ask her especially since there were 2 other people there talking with us. It would've put her in a weird spot and I didn't want to put pressure on her in front of others for her to give me her number. My other coworker agrees with me and that I did the right thing not asking right there and that he thinks I should ask 1 on 1.
Anyways should have I asked her for the number or am I right in waiting 1 on 1? I'll likely ask her next week but how should I go about it without being awkward?
NOTE: I run a business full time and I only work at this job 1 day a week so I don't care about the "no dating coworkers" rule.

I was curious as I was reading some posts, and watching a bunch of youtube videos, and it never occurred to me that this might be unusual- that is the use of a personal CPAP during surgery. A couple of years ago I had my broken ankle repaired in a 2-ish hour surgery. This was done at a highly rated hospital, by a highly graded and experienced surgeon, in one of the best health systems in the country. When I spoke to the surgeon before the surgery and I told him about my CPAP, he told me to bring it with me the morning of the surgery. When I talked to the anesthesiologist before they administered pre-op fentantyl to do the nerve block in my knee, they told me they would allow me to use it in the OR during the surgery. Sure enough, they brought it in with me, hooked it up, they used an adapter of some kind to allow the O2 to be hooked up to it, got the mask on me, and knocked me out. When I woke up the mask was still on, and running. I never thought twice about it, but apparently this is somewhat unusual, and even saw some comments from in hospital respiratory therapists say that this is "sketchy as fuck". Is it really that unusual?

Selling off a majority of what was left of my collection. Items are all adult-owned from a smoke and pet free home. Feel free to ask for any additional photos.
I'm also looking to purchase: Persona 5 Strikers (Switch), THEATRHYTHM Final Bar Premium Digital Deluxe, Final Fantasy Pixel Remaster Collection I-VI (Switch) if anyone has any of those available.
Payment is through PayPal F&F.
https://imgur.com/a/RuLGpKy
https://imgur.com/a/2xUZeG4
-
Switch:
Code: Realize, Guardian of Rebirth (Collector's Edition, SEALED) - $90
Cytus Alpha (Launch Edition) - $60
Danganronpa Decadence (Collectors Edition, SEALED) - $125
LA Noire (SEALED) - $45
Root Letter Last Answer (Day One Edition, SEALED) - $45
-
DS:
999: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors (bought from Aksys booth at Anime Expo a long time ago, was given the alternate cover art with purchase) - $135
Ace Attorney: Apollo Justice - $45
Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth - $75
Cooking Mama 3 Shop & Chop - $15
Crafting Mama - $15
Final Fantasy The 4 Heroes of Light - $50
Maplestory DS (JPN) - $35
Nodame Cantabile (JPN) - $20
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - $30
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Justice For All - $40
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations - $30
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations (Cart Only) - $18
Princess Debut - $60
Super Mario 64 DS - $30
Shin Megami Tensei Strange Journey (Launch Edition) - $95
Style Savvy - $25
The World Ends With You - $45
Yu-Gi-Oh! 5DS Stardust Accelerator World Championship 2009 (NO MANUAL) - $28
-
3DS:
Animal Crossing Happy Home Designer - $23
Bravely Default - $40
Cooking Mama Sweet Shop - $28
Corpse Party Back to School Edition - $150
Fire Emblem Awakening - $45
Fire Emblem Conquest - $45
Luigi's Mansion Dark Moon - $15
Mario Kart 7 - $20
Miitopia - $25
Naruto Powerful Shipuden (Spine has spelling error, "NARTUO") - $40
Pokemon X - $35
Pokemon Y - $35
Pokemon Alpha Sapphire - $45
Pokemon Omega Ruby - $45
Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney - $180
Radiant Historia: Perfect Chronology (Launched Edition, SEALED) - $185
Rune Factory 4 - $30
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor Overclocked - $60
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor 2 Record Breaker (Launch Edition, SEALED) - $140
Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner Soul Hackers (Launch Edition, SEALED) - $185
Shin Megami Tensei IV (Collector's Edition) - $145
Shin Megami Tensei Strange Journey Redux (SEALED) - $85
Stella Glow (Cart Only) - $45
Style Savvy Fashion Forward - $125
Style Savvy Trendsetters - $28
Theatrhythm Final Fantasy Curtain Call - $20
Yokai Watch (Sealed) - $30
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GBA:
Barbie 12 Dancing Princesses - $5
Cartoon Network Collection, GBA Video - $8 each
Disney's Party - $8
Frogger's Adventures - $5
Golden Sun - $45
Kirby and the Amazing Mirror - $45
Mario Party Advance - $25
Pokemon Emerald - $170
Yu-Gi-Oh! 7 Trials of Glory - $12
Yu-Gi-Oh! Destiny Board Traveler - $5
Yu-Gi-Oh! Dungeon Dice Monsters (Label damage) - $10
Yu-Gi-Oh! Reshef of Destruction - $12
Yu-Gi-Oh! The Eternal Duelist Soul (x2) - $10
Yu-Gi-Oh! The Sacred Cards (with manual) - $12
Yu-Gi-Oh! Ultimate Masters World Championship 2006 - $28
Yu-Gi-Oh! World Championship Tournament 2004 - $10
Yu-Gi-Oh! Worldwide Edition: Stairway to the Destined Duel (label damage) - $8
Yu-Gi-Oh! GX Duel Academy - $28
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PSP:
Yu-Gi-Oh! 5DS Tag Force 5 (Damaged Case) - $45
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PS4:
Final Fantasy VII Remake, Deluxe Edition (SEALED) - $70
PlayStation 4 500 GB Console - $165 shipped, includes two controllers and all cables.

Let me start by saying I'm a porn addict. I've been jerking off everyday since I was 16 and im 28 now. I have had 2 girlfriends, the first one was my first love. She told me that I have no future. The second one was recent and she got frustrated because I have ED. She left me and started dating someone quick.
I feel like I destroyed my life and can't even talk to girls. I feel like I deserve it for doing this to myself. I can't go a day without jerking off now more than once a day. Immediately after work I watch porn.
I feel like I should embrace it and not even try to date.

For everyone wondering after the first 2 years in medical school Drs start their clinical years so Kristi has learned all she can out of a book. If she was still in school she would be starting her clinical years in a hospital. It’s where they put everything from anatomy , physiology and all that good stuff to use and learn all the stuff they can’t learn in the books. They are not watched no one is shadowing them unless they seem like they don’t know what they are doing. At this point the school basically gives them the green light to work as a doctor without all the formalities and insurance stuff, and they don’t have signing privileges yet of course. A good doctor knows when to ask other colleagues for help. Once a med student gets to the 3rd year , meaning they have passed all the classes and have all the book knowledge without clinical rotations. The rest of med school is on the floors. I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s sink or swim by 3rd year at this point. They teach u what they can from books then it’s up to u on how to use it. My brother was scared shitless when he started his 3rd year in The south side of Chicago- he said nothing could of prepared him but he did it. Now he is in private practice and about to retire well retire in 10 years. All I’m saying is he said that Kristis character is not really a med student she did all the book learning already. If she was still in school she would not be in the classroom anymore and would start her clinical rotations.

So.. just 2 minutes ago Nat is singing ( on her live ) to the song. I am not sure the name of the song but its an old school early 90's pop song. The song gets to the part where it says "if you got a big one let me **** it" with her crumpled up mouth no lips no teeth I just about puked like literally. All I could imagine was how bad it must stink and how dirty & chessy it is. I wish I could unsee that live. Ive managed to tough out watching her eating gross, sharting, dancing etc etc but this was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. 🤮

I have all the FBI's recorded and watch them when I can. Was watching the 3 episode crossover event and got to watching the third segment (FBI Most Wanted) and then had to stop for a bit.
Just went back and now I find that there area episodes of the current season of all shows missing in my library. For example it goes ep 1, 5, 9, 10-22 with 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8 missing. And of course the one I want is in that missing list. Anybody know what is going on?

Hello, I have always been interested in Alien stories, movies, UFO stories and documentaries but I feel that I am still really in the dark when it comes to finding this information. I have trouble discerning who is credible or not and what to look up. I would love to get some names and stories, interviews, podcasts, movies etc that anyone suggests for me to look into to gain more knowledge on UFOs and ufo abduction stories.
I grew up watching Ancient Aliens on the TV with my dad at night. It was something that got me interested in this along with science fiction books like the robot city series written by Issac asimov that included robots and aliens in it. I also loved the 5th element film too. I recently saw fire in the sky and contact and thought those films were great. I saw the 4th kind film when I was in middle school and it really scared me. I hadn't heard of the concept of scary aliens before until I saw that film and it got me interested into learning more about ufo abductions and what people's stories are and if they share similarities. If anyone has recommendations on where to get more information about UFOs and ufo abduction stories I would love to hear it. This is a fun hobby for me and just something I am curious about so I am always interested in learning as much as I can about it.
The current UFO abduction stories I know about and crashes are the roswell ufo crash, Calvin Parker's ufo abduction story, the abduction story of Betty and barney Hill, the story in the 4th kind film, Tavis Walton's abduction story, stories about crop circles (though not abduction related, still interesting af to me), Garry Nolan on the Lexington Friedman podcast, things Edward Snowden has said on the joe rogan podcast (unfortunately he did not find any ufo info when he was looking into what the government was doing and exposing it), the various people joe rogan has had on his podcast discussing ufos or abduction stories, and Bob Lazar's story as well as what richard dottie did to paul benewitz. (Sorry for mispellings on names etc). As I go on youtube though, there's many more videos suggested to me and I feel like I've only seen a very small amount of ufo information out there. I would love to see and learn more. I feel I have only touched the surface. Though it's hard for me to know what's credible or not. What's exaggerated or what's lies or what's honest. Maybe I can never fully know that. But I would love for this community to suggest me some stuff to watch and listen to to help broaden what I currently know. I also have heard about project blue book, project montouak, the rainbow experiment, the nazi ufo bell project (though I don't know much about that one other than that title), admril byrd and his trip to Alaska where he met with aliens that sound similar to the plededian aliens, the Denver international Airport conspiracies and the reptilian conspiracies involved in it, I know a little bit about David Ike but to me he's about as credible and extreme as Alex Jones, and isn't someone I necessarily enjoy listening to or trusting (not to tip on anyone's toes here. I'm sure plenty of people enjoy those 2 guys but they just aren't really my cup of tea personally. However I do find their stories interesting indeed.) And I know not all of the conspiracies I mention relate to ufos but a lot of the information surrounding them sometimes gets tied in with aliens/Alien technology and alien experiments etc. I find all of this interesting. I'm sure there's more things I have seen and heard but I can't remember it all right now. Those are just some of the few that stick out to me that I would love to learn more about. If anyone has recommendations on where to go from here let me know.
On a funnielighter note, I did see the episode in Adventure Time where Tree Trunks gets abducted by aliens and has a ton of babies with them and I thought that was a fun nod to the ufo community and ufo abductee community by Pendleton Ward so if anyone wants to check that out for some laughs and entertainment, I recommend it. It's a great show. So is Rick and Morty and Inside Job. If anyone has shows similar like that for fun to recommend for me to watch feel free to comment them to me.
Best wishes (and thanks for listening to my long rambling misspelled question about ufo stuff.) :)

Okay so first of all this was one of the best animes I've watched. From its story to the characters (barring a few), and the humor is one of the best. I would like to share a list of my favorite and least facourite charecters. Favorite characters have to be: Henry, charmy, Yami, Nero, mimosa, kahono and Asta. Least favorite: Noelle, Langris, Gauche, sol My favorite arc is actually the elf revenge arc, though I feel that a devil being the main culprit was a bit out of nowhere. Least favorite arc has to be the devil vanishers arc. It felt like a filler arc and all the new chrecters introduced were bland and forgettable. Coming to my questions: 1. What's next for this anime? Do we have to read the manga to continue the story? 2. What's up with the new movie? Is it a continuation from 170 episode? Which time frame does it occupy in the storyline? 3. Is season 5 even confirmed? 4. Who does Asta end up marrying? Please don't tell me that it's Noel.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) Marcus is content to stay inside you after you both orgasm, but when he finally slips out of you, he grabs a warm washcloth to sweetly clean you up so you don’t have to do the awkward walk to the bathroom. When you do get up to pee, he’ll find your panties for you in the sheets at the bottom of the bed, just in case you want to wear them while you sleep. If he’s planning a special evening, he’ll fill up the bath with steaming hot water in advance, and lead you to the tub afterwards for soothing warmth and soft kisses and caresses. He knows he’s big, so he’s always concerned about whether you’re in discomfort after sex, and he’ll offer extra cuddles and soft strokes over your entrance if you’re feeling sore. If you’re at his house, he keeps an extra blanket in his bedroom to throw over you before you fall asleep, because he sleeps warm but knows you get chilly. And of course, he sleep-cuddles with you all night long, making you feel safe and secure.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) First, your hands. He loves holding your hand, playing with it, feeling that connection with you. He is fascinated with how tiny your hands are compared to his, and you love how he holds your hand during mundane everyday moments, like walking to dinner, riding the metro, or simply sitting together on the couch while you read or watch TV. He loves your skin in general, how soft you are, how good you smell. He softly rubs his fingers over you when you cuddle together on his couch, like you are his source of comfort. But he is also a boob man, and nothing gets him going like seeing a glimpse of your cleavage or a taut nipple through thin fabric. The first time he took your bra off, he couldn’t stop holding you in his big hands, thumbing your nipples, suckling your soft skin. If you are going on a special date, you’ll purposefully wear a shirt or dress that shows off your chest, then tease him when he flushes stealing glances at you.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) Marcus is all about intimacy, so he loves finishing inside you. At first you used condoms, but after getting tested, you both agreed to go without, and the first time he was able to cum in you without any barrier, he was so turned on by the feeling of filling you with his cum, he got hard again before even pulling out. You love giving him an intimate lingam massage, and at the last moment, when you see him start to pulse, take him into your mouth and swallow as he cums down your throat. He almost passed out the first time he experienced this with you, and now it’s your favorite way to make him feel special. But, for everyday intimacy, he still loves finishing in you and staying inside to savor your tight warmth, gently stroking and kissing all the soft parts of you he can reach.
D = Drunk (what they’re like when they’ve been drinking) Believe it or not, Marcus gets even MORE affectionate when he’s been drinking. If you’re home, he’s pulling you onto his lap and whispering sweet adorations in your ear while his hands stroke your arms and legs and ass. If you’re in public, his hand is running up your leg under the table, and in the backseat of the taxi, he’s slowly making his way up your thigh and teasing you over your panties until you are holding back whimpers, gripping his wrists and closing your eyes in pleasure. He never gets so sloppy drunk he needs help, but he’ll have a few extra drinks if he knows he gets to take you home and make sweet, tipsy love to you for the rest of the night.
E = Emergency Situations (what they’re like in an emergency) I mean, he’s an FBI agent. You’ve never felt safer than when you’re sleeping in his arms. He hates having to bring his gun on dates, but you assure him you understand, and you secretly feel a little better knowing he’s prepared if anything goes south. And he looks hot wearing it. The first time he came to your apartment, he checked your locks and alarms (with your permission) to make sure you were safe. He has some quirks, like never sitting with his back to a doorway, or silently checking out every person who walks in the room, but you understand it’s a part of his training. You feel safe walking with him through the streets of D.C. at night, and you often suggest walking back to either your or his apartment instead of taking the metro or a taxi. You both love these moments together walking hand in hand through the city, sometimes in silence, just enjoying each others’ presence.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying) This man loves missionary because it allows him to be close to your sweet face, but there is nothing boring about it. He thinks like both an artist and a cop, so he's going to pay close attention to your moans of pleasure and how your body responds to his touches. He'll take his time stroking and building your desire with his hands and mouth, and then when you are absolutely aching for him, he’ll cage you in his strong biceps and slowly, sweetly, inch by inch, fill you completely, your hands gripping his muscular arms and back as he stretches you. And when he finally starts moving, his big hands stroking your hair and face, he’ll use his tongue to do to your mouth what his cock is doing to you elsewhere, until you lose yourself in pleasure in his arms.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.) Marcus is definitely more sweet than goofy, but he does like tickling you out of nowhere on the couch or in bed in the mornings, because he knows it leads to more touching and soft kisses and sex. During sex, he is usually too worried about making sure you feel good and safe to joke around too much, but he can laugh when things go wrong, like accidentally leaning on your hair or an awkward position change. Or that time you got a little excited and spilled the red wine sitting on the side table all over the bed. (Oops!)
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) Judging by his well-groomed head and facial hair, you guessed he would also be well-groomed below, and you were right. Not bare, but closely trimmed. It made his dick look even bigger. As if he needed it.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) Marcus believes intimacy starts long before sex. He’ll cook for you, give you massages, and tell you all the things he loves about your body as he notices them. At first, it’s a little hard for you to accept, because you’re not used to hearing what someone loves about you, but you soon realize he wears his heart on his sleeve, and you learn to appreciate how openly he adores you. You give him compliments, soft touches, head scritches, and splurge on his favorite bakery treats as a way to make him feel loved, too. And by the time you are in bed, the world-shattering orgasms you share are the natural progression of your intimacy.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) Marcus would prefer to cum in you, not kleenex, so he doesn’t jack-off very often any more. If its been a while since he’s been able to see you, he’ll gladly engage in mutual Facetime sex with you. It’s especially hot if you’re both in hotel rooms. Oh, and that one time you texted him that picture, and he had to shut his office door and quickly stroke himself to completion so he didn’t walk into his next meeting with an erection.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) You suggested once that Marcus stay in his suit, complete with badge and gun, and slowly undress you, until you were fully nude. You sat on his lap, and being able to hold you naked against him while he remained fully clothed uncovered a slight domination kink he never knew he had. It was still important to him he didn’t hurt you, but you encouraged him to touch and explore you, and by the time he finally took out his cock, you were both on the verge of cumming as soon as he slid into you. He also loves cockwarming, because it satisfies his need for intimacy and closeness. He’ll cuddle in behind you in bed and slide himself inside you, and you love feeling full and warm and safe. Or, sometimes he’ll stay on his back while you sleep on his body, chest to chest, and he’ll put his arms around you while you sleep with his cock buried deep inside you. You especially love when you wake up in the middle of the night to his sleepy moans and the feel of him growing hard inside you.
L = Location (favorite places to do the do) Definitely his bedroom. He takes pride in having created a bed worth fucking in: high thread count sheets, down pillows, soft, gray-toned bedding, flattering lighting, candles, and a very sturdy headboard. He loves seducing you on the sofa or in the kitchen, then leading you by the hand to his bedroom, and falling into the luxurious bed with you. His side table always has lube, and other sweet, sensual enhancements. And of course, his master bathroom is elegant and warm, with a tray for washcloths next to the sink, and thick, fluffy towels outside the bathtub and glass shower. It’s his favorite place to spend hours and hours with you, and some Sundays, he only gets up to answer the food delivery driver at the front door, or to grab more wine.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) Marcus is motivated by love and how much he adores you. He expresses himself through touch and sex, so just spending time with you puts him in the mood. He loves your hair, your eyes, the way you lean into his soft caresses and use his belly or biceps as a warm pillow. When you lovingly scratch his back and stroke his scalp? Forget about it. Instant erection. And whether you are dressed for comfort or for going out, he loves your style and is turned on by the thought of being lucky enough to be with the most beautiful woman in the room. But, don’t even get him started on lingerie. His first erection was seeing a Victoria’s Secret catalog on the kitchen table as a boy, and he’s never gotten over the titillating thrill of lace, satin, and shyly exposed curves. He has a degree in Art History, and definitely has an eye for beauty and sensual experiences. He buys you panties and chemises to keep at his place, and on special occasions, spends all evening fantasizing about what you’re wearing underneath, and just how you’ll disrobe for him later. (You love surprising him with a merry widow, garters, and thigh highs in his favorite color.) In fact, given the chance, he’ll try to convince you to let him undress you before you even have a chance to go out for the night, and just stay in.
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) Degradation is off the table, as well as anything that hurts you. He’s nervous to leave a mark. And you’ve asked him to explore light choking, but he’s just not there yet.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) Marcus is a pleaser, and his love language is ‘touch’, so he prefers to give, and his oral game is off the charts. He starts by kissing and caressing your whole body, so you’re completely warmed up and tingling before he even reaches your center. He loves focusing on you and hearing your moans and sighs of pleasure, and the way you say his name over and over, like a prayer, when you’re close to cumming. You’ve felt like you nearly passed out a few times, just from the intensity of the orgasms he gives you. (And as a bonus, it’s a little easier for his large member to slide in afterwards.) As far as receiving, you’ve finally convinced him you also get turned on when he finishes in your mouth, but what he really loves is the attention you pay to his body: the feel of your hands on his thick thighs, kissing your way down his neck and chest and belly trail, using your hands and mouth together to massage and suck his cock and sensitive head. And if he does come in your mouth, he enjoys the intimacy of you swallowing, if you’re up for it. He especially loves when you slide your thumb firmly up his cock after he finishes, emptying the last bits of cum from him, licking the head to get every last drop. And then gently cleaning him with a washcloth in the warm candlelight. He looks at you with such love in his eyes, and reaches for you, pulling you tightly against him.
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) In the dictionary next to ‘slow and sensuous’, there is a picture of Marcus. His preference is to spend hours and hours in bed with you, incorporating soft music, candles, wine, oils, and adoration of your body, bringing you to the edge with his tongue and hands, then plunging you over the edge when he thrusts into you. In fact, sometimes you just want it hard and fast, but it’s foreign to him. Why take 20 minutes when you can take 2 hours? You know to keep your Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings open for Marcus and his love of sensuality.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) Marcus likes to make a fuss, so quickies go against everything in his heart. He’ll do it to please you, such as if you only have a little while before dinner, or if you are feeling stressed or in pain and need a release. But he doesn’t really initiate them.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) Listen. Marcus is all about risk. It’s why he became an FBI Agent, and why he enjoys the cat-and-mouse game that comes with chasing art thieves. He has never had an idea he didn’t act on, no matter how inappropriate or impetuous. So when it comes to sex, he’s more than willing to introduce some risk, as long as you are not going to be hurt. Sex in the evidence room? Fuck yeah. He’ll teach you about the art while he fingers you next to a priceless statue. Role playing FBI Agent and sexy art thief? Oh yeah, he’s down for that, and knows exactly what to do with you once he catches you. You plan to give him fur-lined handcuffs for his birthday, just so he feels more secure about not hurting you. And you can’t wait.
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) The great thing about Marcus Pike is he knows sex is more than just penetration. He usually is good for two rounds before he needs time to recover, but that doesn’t mean you are only going to experience a round or two. When it comes to giving you pleasure and making you feel adored, his stamina is endless. He’s always ready to caress and kiss and stroke you, massage you, feed you sensuous bites of the special meal he’s made for you, and stay awake until you are satiated.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) His side drawer has a few little goodies you never expected, like nipple tingle cream (he loves applying it!), oils for massaging your back, thighs, and ass when you have stressful days, and a heavy feather pillow to put under your hips, raising you into the perfect position to take him as deeply as possible. You recently stashed a silk scarf in the drawer, and he’s open to you trying it on him, this time. Perfect for heightening the lingam massage experience. He’s not opposed to battery toys, but he’ll wait for you to suggest it, because he’s not sure what you’d like, and he wants you to enjoy it.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) Marcus wears his heart on his sleeve a little too openly to be a tease, but the exception is when he incorporates his love for art into foreplay by painting your semi-nude portrait. You’ll never forget the first time he showed you his home studio; you had no idea he was an artist, but his talent inspired his art history degree and career, and he softly asks you, while stroking your bare arm with the back of his fingers, if you’d be willing to pose for him. You nod in agreement, swallowing nervously. He chooses what you’re (barely) wearing, and keeps you warm with a heater while he sketches and paints. Every now and then, he’ll stop to just admire you, and when you self-consciously ask him, “What??” he smiles and says, “Just making some decisions, sweetheart.” Or, “Just admiring the most beautiful art I’ve ever seen.” But he won’t let you see the painting until he’s finished, and it takes several sessions. No matter what, he won’t budge. You didn’t know he had it in him to say “No” to you! But when he finally unveils your portrait, it was worth the wait.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) Marcus isn’t very loud, but what he lacks in volume, he makes up for with expressive words of adoration and sensuality. He’s usually whispering to you, rather than loudly moaning, but you love his voice in your ear, urging you to orgasm with his words, tongue, and cock. And when he stops talking and uses his mouth to kiss and lick your ear? Instant cum button.
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) Marcus has been married 3 times. No kids, though.
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes) He stays in shape running, and is proud of his muscular legs. As he’s gotten older, he has a soft little tummy you love, and both his belly and his broad shoulders are perfect for your head when you’re cuddling on the couch. As far as his cock, he’s above average in both length and girth, so he takes extra care to make sure you are wet and soft before sliding inside you. In fact, after the first time you had sex with him multiple times in one night, you were bleeding a little bit the next morning, just due to how stretched you were inside by his huge erect cock. He felt terrible, but you assured him it didn’t hurt, due to not having many nerve endings up there. But, he is now mindful to ask if you’re okay before starting another round, and you have to assure him it’s always worth it.
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) High. Sky high. International Space Station high. He can’t get enough of you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a fancy gown, comfy yoga pants and t-shirt, or sexy lingerie: he wants you.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) Marcus never falls asleep first, if he can help it. Sometimes when you’ve given him a lingam massage and warm washcloth cleanup, he struggles, and you are quick to whisper in his ear it’s okay to fall asleep, his arms around you, using your breasts he loves so much as his favorite pillow. But usually he stays awake to make sure you’re not shivering from cold or uncomfortable in any way, and only falls asleep when he hears your breathing soften and slow down, and your body relax into his cuddling embrace. Usually the last thing you remember is his soft kiss against your temple. But first to wake up? Always you. Sometimes you wake him up by stroking his hardening cock, sometimes with gentle kisses on his face, and sometimes with soft fingers stroking the fair away from his peacefully sleeping face. He’ll gladly stay awake after you if it means he gets to wake up to your gentle ministrations.

I was fortunate enough to go to both Melbourne concerts (involving the infamous 'say something' encore) recently, and came out completely blown away by the experience. It was my first kpop concert experience, even though i've been a kpop fan since mid 2000s and i couldn't ask for anything better. Still suffering from post-concert depression, I've been rewatching my fancams and reliving the experience and thought I'd share some of the lessons i learnt and things I'll take note of for next time!

1. Camera settings! This was probably my biggest takeaway. I didn't take many videos but the videos i did were over-exposed. I learnt later on that many people adjust the exposure settings (and possibly more?) when they take the video/photo so it turns clearly. I'm pretty gutted about this as I had some great videos where you can still see really well but their faces were more exposed than what I would like!
   
2. Be in the moment! I had an interesting experience here as my seats the first night were close but not close enough to gain an interaction whereas my seat for the second night was really close to the stage. As I was further away the first night, I didn't consider taking any videos/photos (maybe 1 or 2) and lost myself in the moment – enjoying the performances, vibing to the songs, watching all the shenanigans on stage, dance cam... the list goes on! It was so fun. But the second night, being so close to the stage, I felt a sudden pressure to be taking photos/videos because I was SO CLOSE to them and everyone around me had their phones out. I'm someone who loves dancing at weddings, dancing and vibing in general but I felt a sudden fomo like if I stopped even for one second that I'd miss some key interaction with them. And because everyone around me had their phones out, they were mainly swaying but not really dancing and I felt nervous for potentially blocking someone's view or being too enthusiastic. It was so strange! But during Fancy, while I was having this internal struggle of fighting the fomo of videoing but dancing at the same time, my desire to vibe won and I put my phone away and said heck it and danced and at that moment, Momo noticed and smiled so brightly and pointed at me as part of the choreo! I was so astonished! After that, I compromised with myself and only took videos when there was no choreo and they were just roaming about the stage.
   
3. Going alone is totally fine! I went with some friends the first night and had a great time but I went alone the second night and also had a great time. I was worried about not having anyone to talk to in between soundcheck and the show but I chatted and made friends with so many people. Everyone is sooooo friendly and honestly, chatting to so many ONCEs made the concert experience so great as well. I saw a few older guys by themselves and I also talked to them. No one judges, everyone is here to have a good time. And honestly, when the show starts, all eyes are only on the stage!
   
4. Prepare to be bias-wrecked HARD! Sana's my bias. Love the girl. Love her personality, love her smile. But lord, Mina absolutely stole my breath away. I chose seats on different sides of the stage for each night so I could have both perspectives and unluckily (and luckily) Sana went to the opposite side more while Mina stayed on my side a lot of the time. As a result, my camera roll that I expected to be filled with Sana is now full of Mina and her twerking and hip shaking. Can't complain. Sharon was out in full-force, especially that second night!
   
5. Post-concert depression is real! It's been three weeks (?? time means nothing to me after the concerts, jk) and I still can't stop thinking about the concert and performances and the girls. I rewatch my overexposed fancams frequently and sigh in pcd at the number of times Mina glances over my way. I wallow in regrets and wishes – that I did not overexpose my vids, that I should've bought soundcheck for both nights instead of one, that I should've gone to the Sydney show too, that I should've danced more – but I break myself out of it by reminding myself just what a stellar experience that was and how fortunate and privileged I was to have experienced it. And that I will see the girls again one day! And I have learnt some valuable lessons. :)
   

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. I hope this was helpful to some of you! I would love to hear any concert experiences/tips that you have to share! Seriously, tell me your camera tips (T.T). I will tuck them away in my pocket and remember for next time.
For all of you going to one of the shows soon, know that I am super envious but that I wish you all the most fabulous time! Do enjoy!!

My dad constantly treats me like a stranger in his household. He’s nicer to my brothers friends then he is to me. He is constantly treating me like a threat, sometimes when I try to talk to him he’ll just say he’s busy even though he’s just watching TV. Most of the time he ignores me in conversations and he likes to make me out to be the laziest, filthiest person in the household even though my room is always the cleanest out of the entire house and I’m always the first one to start cleaning and the last one to stop. He constantly piles on chores for me, he likes to take chores that my older siblings were supposed to do but didn’t and he makes me do it. I admit that I do spend a lot of time in my room but what else am I supposed to do when all he does is scream at me. For instance today I went to the store with my mom to get groceries, I helped bring them in and my mom told me and my brother to put them up together. My brother told me to get out of the kitchen so they could do it and I asked my mom what she wanted me to do and my mom said to just stand in there and wait till he asks for help. I tired to say that he might yell at me and then my dad started screaming at me that I needed to help around the house (as if I didn’t spend almost 2 hours cleaning the kitchen) and that I needed to get in there and help. I over heard him say to my mom that I needed to watch what I said to her and that if you give me an inch I’ll go a mile. All I ever do is try to appease him, all I ever do is try and I’m sick of being his scapegoat. When my OLDER siblings don’t do their chores I get in trouble, when they do they get all these ‘thanks’ and ‘good jobs’ but I literally get nothing from him.

I just want to add trigger warnings: sleeping pill use, possible reactive abuse?, self harm/suicide ideation
Hello everyone! I am just really struggling with determining if I was the narcissist in a previous relationship that’s weighing heavy on me. I would like to state that before this relationship, I was in an all over abusive relationship (That was actually my 1st serious relationship, happened in high school) that was very traumatic. Within and after that relationship, that ex was telling me that no one would love me or love me like he does, would physically hurt me as he would tell me that ‘he is not hurting me, I am hurting myself’, blame me for everything in the relationship, his mom would make excuses for him even as she heard him hurting me.. It was a LOT. And I guess that was also why I was so susceptible to my next relationship which is the one I am inquiring about.
So, that relationship lasted 3 years.. I went to therapy.. A year and maybe a half later, I met another guy (which is the one I am more confused on and questioning myself the most..) My 1st bf was known as not a good guy so it was easier for me to come to terms with that it was not me? But this one… Everyone LOVES him… We met through a friend of mine at a theme park.. I guess for a good month he was trying to get my number from her (she was a good friend of mine at the time, she was dating one of his good friends, they knew each other. She took us to where he was). I got a text from him saying “Hey beautiful, can you guess who this is?” and it all started from there..
He had previously gotten out of a 4 year relationship, 2 months before we met (Stupid me; HOWEVER, i did not know how short of a time span it truly was until I went through his phone and laptop), but he made it seem like she was just cheating on him and not doing right by him majorly, he was over it, and it was done. I didn’t know his part until the 4th year when I went through his laptop and saw that he would call her names, he would be trying to be sexual with her friend which is the same girl who told him that he couldn’t cheat on me with anyone besides her and he agreed (Same girl that would be mentioned in a bit), and so on. We ended up going to the same college, and hanging out a lot; However, even from month one he was trying to get with me and saying that he “had” to be with me because I was sweet, beautiful, xyz but he didn’t have time for that at the moment due to him just getting out of the relationship (which I was ok with tbh. But when mentioning that I don’t think I wanted to date he would be like why?… As well as I think this is what got me too because he was not prioritizing a relationship so it did not seem like he would be using me). He would call me while he was at work a lot, and he even showed up to my house once randomly because I was trying to avoid hanging out with him and me and my friend had to lie and say I wasn’t there. He would explain a lot of how we would make sense together in a sense and why I should not be opposed to dating him.. Within the 4th month, he confessed that he loved me and hoped that I felt the same… In my gut I felt that it did not feel right… But everyone was saying that he liked me, everyone loved him, and he seemed like a good guy and totally opposite of my 1st ex… So I thought, maybe this is love and maybe I do love him… One night I stupidly explained what I been through before meeting him (my previous relationship and friendships) and how I just did not want to go through that again… He said he would never put me through anything like that, will treat me how I deserve like the princess I am, and how laid back he was (but I did not think laid back would mean flirting with other women in front of me or in general, etc which he would mention at a later time when bringing things up to him “Well I told you I was laid back”).. By this time I was lowkey babe, his princess, etc… His friends telling me that he really liked me, and I made him happy… That he talked about me a lot.. I thought maybe this was it…
Around month 8, he asked me out… Immediately a shift began… Right after he asked me out he stated “You’re lucky because there was someone else I was supposed to date”… I instantly knew that something was wrong… But at the same time… A thought that ran through my head was my 1st ex telling me how no one would ever love me like him and other things… and tbh I think I just went with it and accepted fate Ig. I got in his car and we drove off… But now that I even look back, he would question me sexually compared to other women.. call himself the “booty king”.. and talk about how he was sad that he lost his old phone containing photos of all the girls’ pics he had while we were talking… so.. Yeah… Ig that wasn’t even the 1st shift.. I guess I was just used to that type of treatment now that I think about it..
To add more information before getting to the main portion, before so much occurred, I did not mind him hanging out even alone with girls.. He made me feel safe and I trusted him and even told him that. To the point where he told me that he was going to Disney with the girl mentioned above and that she liked him, but I need to not worry because he wasn’t going to do anything and liked me and other stuff. This was after he told me he thinks we shouldn’t be talking to other people (so this occurred a little before he asked me out). During this time, if he saw me with a guy he seemed to get jealous. For example, I was saving the table, and the janitor who looked like a guy my age came over, we nodded, and he just kept working. He came back as the janitor moved and asked me if he was flirting with me and thought that I was lying about him not flirting with me. Another time, I went to the movie theatre with my friend and he brought it up a few times and was asking about it and claiming it was a date.
But anyways after we started dating, he immediately started ignoring me as I was talking and would always be on his phone. One such event was when we were headed somewhere with his friends… Once they got out of the car, and I began talking to him, he immediately got on his phone and was kind of ignoring me but giving ‘mhms’, ‘ohs’, and other sounds like that.. Eventually I went quiet.. When his girl friend 1st got back into the car, he immediately put his phone down and started conversating with her… I was hurt.. which led to him doing some actions and admitting that he did them because I was sad and wouldn’t tell him why and shrugged. He would be on his phone looking at girls.. Even when my parents were going through a divorce, and I was venting to him over skype.. He was just ignoring me.. and I could see through his glasses that he was just browsing on tumblr which already made me more sad and alone, then I saw him staring at and sharing a picture of a girl showing her butt, and I got upset and he got upset with me for being upset.. On our one year anniversary even, I was talking to him, and he was ignoring me.. But I caught him looking at a picture with girls showing their butts and just became quiet and upset.. He’d already called me insecure and such by that point.. Another incident which I’m sure sounds stupid and may just be really stupid.. Was 2 months after we dated.. I told him all that I wanted for my birthday was to take him to HHN for his first time.. He said he didn’t have any plans to go with anyone else and pinky promised me.. I would say maybe a couple of weeks later he told me he was going with one of his girl friends that worked there on that night, and I immediately called him.. He invited me to go, but I couldn’t because I was busy, and I asked if he could wait, and he brought up that he couldn’t just say no because he already told her yes. I brought up the pinky promises, and stupidly begged him if he could just wait.. He said he couldn’t and he had to go.. Later he posted on snapchat about how much fun he was having and how cool and crazy it was.. Later told me he just went with her because she could get him in for free.. which I would have paid if needed, but I didn’t know.. He would manipulate me into letting him do whatever because his ex did (For example, going to stay on the beach with his girl best friend, her mom, and her sister, but by this point he already kind of made it clear that he did not care about me, so I was uncomfortable with it, but he kept pushing until I said yes and would guilt trip me for being unsure). During this 1st year, he already called me a whore for having guy friends, crazy, insecure because of above things etc. One incident we went to the club with one of his guy friends, I didn’t know the plan was to find girls for him to get.. So while I was trying to dance and interact with them, I noticed he was just looking around and point out girls and kind of didn’t acknowledge me a lot of the night.. Which did make me sad.. I became standoffish, and that led to an argument and him hitting the steering wheel yelling at me and asking what the fuck is my problem with girls.. Which I remained silent after trying to explain.. Another incident is when at some point in the first couple of months I told him I would have sex with him.. We ended up at a resort because I have timeshares.. However, I got extremely sick to the point I couldn’t breathe and was worried. I did say I would have to pass on sex because I really could not breathe and didn’t feel well. He was more upset that I didn’t give him sex and said how I lied.. Which I really didn’t mean to.. and I did feel really bad about. He would say how he didn’t care about how I felt about something, would go do that said thing, and then would come back and apologize after talking to one of his girl friends about it, and how she made him realize it wasn’t cool. He would be really mean and say mean things.. he would start denying his actions and words so I started keeping screenshots to make sure that what I had remembered was accurate.. Adults would tell me that I better take good care of him while this was happening and he would look at me and smile and do like a jerking movement with his head like "yeah you better" if that makes sense..
I noticed after a while, I couldn’t control my emotions… I started becoming more and more emotionally reactive. I became increasingly jealous and trying everything to get him to care.. I also begin to try to find ways to get him to understand how he was hurting me and kept thinking of ways to get him to stop.. When I would react he told me that he showed his friends or told them what I did and their reactions and comments.. He told them I was crazy.. I began trying to try to control situations so I wouldn’t get any more hurt. I started becoming passive aggressive and started saying mean things.. I through my toothbrush at the bathroom door once.. I started taking sleeping pills because I got anxiety when he would text me that he was going out. I started taking the pills as well because I couldn’t heal and move on from the things that had happened as fast as he would’ve liked.. I would try to leave but he would say what I wanted to hear of course.. But if I tried to talk to him about the things, he would hardly say anything or just be like “you’re right, I’m trash”, change the subject, or tell me he would break up with me if I brought it up again.. Eventually he would tell me how I needed help and kiss me on the forehead.. At one point, I asked him if we break up, would he consider trying to work on things in the future after we both do growing, and he responded by shaking his head and telling me only if I had changed… I always made him not want to do things or not want to go to things.. He was more cool than me and had more friends than me he would say or imply at times and even brought it up because I got more likes on my insta posts.. One day I would be wifey and he would be so in love with me and not want any other girls.. and the next day I should understand if he wanted to breakup so he can go be with other girls.. His family said in front of me that he could just go get another girlfriend.. and he would shrug his shoulders and repeat that to me.. Major heartbreak events would happen after I helped him in someway, and he would feel a type of way that I wouldn’t want to help him or do things.. Like I helped get him jobs, get back in school, be on time for work, took care of him when he almost died (which led to a major event I will talk about in a few) he would tell me or show me that he didn’t care about me and I couldn’t count on him to be there for me either.. Like when I tried to tell him that I am becoming more severely depressed due to stuff, he was just like “I care less and less” because I brought up depression due to different things.. Which I know.. Stupid for staying.. However.. He would be “hurt” that I didn’t believe that he loved and cared for me.. That the trust I had was diminishing.. He would ask me why I thought he was lying to me and tell me that there were and are no other girls.. Everything led up to the 4th year..
After being with him in the hospital after he could’ve died.. I was with him and making sure he was ok afterwards.. Something was going to happen with a girl I didn’t feel comfortable with him being alone with and he told me.. surprise he didn’t care and had to go.. Told me she said I was pretty.. I asked him if I could go through his phone a couple of days later, I guess I just needed that final push.. I found so much, from him talking to other women about our relationship but being more concerned about how we were having less and less sex, him cheating and flirting, him texting his friend about how he thought him and his ex were getting back together, etc. And I just lost it.. I woke him up shaking him asking why me.. just why… and before I knew it I slapped him.. It was like slow motion, I tried to stop myself but I couldn’t.. I immediately felt guilt.. and that was the first time I ever hit someone.. I know it’s not ok.. but that started an altercation and he dug his nails into me and so on.. I went to the bathroom bleeding.. and the next day.. He asked what happened to me and the marks.. I told him I just had a depressive episode.. and he told me that I shouldn’t hurt myself like that.. Like he didn’t remember anything.. It was like me and him switched places.. He began being afraid to communicate with me.. and to this day.. It’s been almost 3 years.. I feel extremely guilty and re-enact that night but begging myself to stop.. to just leave.. I still feel angry at myself.. His close friends were like “he really tried.. he really loved you.. ah I don’t think he’s like that”.. and sometimes it makes me doubt my experience..
At the end of the relationship is something I can’t forget.. He smirked and told me that he knew he’d be ok.. and that he already moved on and accepted everything.. and that has been something hard on me too.. I removed him from a lot but stupidly texted him a month or so later apologizing.. After the relationship when I would hear or see him or his name, I would have little panic attacks.. everything would go blurry and it felt like I couldn’t breathe..
Therapy isn’t helping.. I feel like I can’t move on and sometimes I idealize or day dream about suicide heavily.. I keep trying to stop myself from looking at his postings about loyalty.. being faithful.. giving everything to the girl who is always down for him.. not lying.. how his friends post how amazing he is and his quotes about cheating and such.. but it’s like a bad addiction I just can’t seem to break.. I keep asking myself was it me.. and if I’m just the narcissist.. He did take the blame and apologize near the end of the relationship and then once I reached out and apologized for my actions after the relationship.. But I still am so confused..
I feel consumed by rage.. envy.. Jealousy.. I see him being blessed with everything and thanking God and Jesus which diminished my faith.. If it wasn’t me, then how come he is getting so many blessings and get to be so happy.. I keep saying how it’s not fair.. I feel guilt.. I feel shame.. I don’t trust myself.. I can’t tell who I truly am after lashing out.. I feel like I want to give up.. Like it’s never going to end.. I keep seeing things about narcissistic abuse, and then I get scared because what if it was me….. Then I feel guilty for not wanting to watch any more things on narcissism or abuse for a while.. I keep praying, begging for it all to go away.. I have resorted to tarot and spells.. Faking it til I make it.. Nothing.. and then I get frustrated.. I keep reliving and trying to play things out differently if that makes sense.. I feel so alone, and I self-isolate so much.. It’s almost 3 years.. I am just confused.. and I am sorry for this being so long and possibly confusing and all over the place.. and I know I should have known better in a lot of this situation..