How is rachael farrokh doing 2021

I’ve known my boyfriend for years and years, we’ve both been in the same online friend group for around 8 years.
Me and him got closer in the past year or so to the point where he admitted he had feelings for me. At this point he was underage so I put my foot down at the possibility of us being together, at least until he was 18.
Now we’re together but my friends are always messaging him telling him he should leave me due to the 5 year age difference. They’re also quoting situations that happened several years ago when I was mentally unwell and dependent on others for support and incredibly jealous and anxious when people got close to my friends/partners - I’ve since attended lots of therapy, I’m on medication, and constantly completing worksheets and books to heal my codependent thinking patterns and anxiety.
I’ve never wanted to harm my boyfriend in any way or manipulate him like they are suggesting I could. Me and these friends aren’t very close anymore and they haven’t seen how much I’ve progressed with my mental health, let alone see how all I do is support and love my boyfriend unconditionally. There have of course been slip ups with my mental health because 1. No one’s perfect 2. Life hasn’t been the kindest to me in the past year. But I’ve always tried to pick myself up from these slip ups and get back on track with healing myself.
Can anyone give me advice on what I should do? Should I leave my boyfriend because of the age gap? I don’t want to hurt him in any way because of a potential imbalance due to our ages but I also really don’t think I will cause him any harm because I work so hard to make sure I’m not falling into those old mental health patterns that cause an imbalance.
He’s very anxious about the whole situation as he doesn’t like direct conflict. And he’s said to me that he doesn’t mind the age gap, he feels safe and comfortable and loved with me, and he’s seen how much I’ve worked on my mental health and how much I’ve progressed.

Howdy! I am traveling to the Mediterranean Sea soon and am curious on how the sea sponge secretes the dmt molecules. If it is possible to have an experience with the sponge, I would love to. I am unsure on how I even approach the sponge. Do I just lick it underwater? Cut it and bring it to the surface, then what? Lick it above water? I understand there isn’t a whole lot on 5-Bromo-DMT but I just thought I’d ask!

We live in small HOA for awhile. HOA supposed to maintain a private road, but it doesn't. It's a mess and could go into it but not my question...
It seems every one of the only 18 houses/owners in our really small HOA is a fucking weirdo. Of the 6 or so that are occupied year round, 2 of which have controlled the HOA for the past 2 decades, other 4 owners include old woman with drugee middle aged kid in and out of rehab, a schizophrenic, an old man with dementia who writes periodic updates to owners, a gay couple who say their sisters but everyone knows the truth. When I moved in, there was no welcome committee, our welcome was a few loads of gravel dumped in such a way on the road our cars (not just ours, but the whole road) couldn't get over, neighbor cutting down our tree with no explanation or apology, other neighbor letting dogs out to chase and bite after us.
It's a rural area and we all have an acre or so, and it's forested, so we don't see each others houses much, there are no meetings or community events ever. We just see each other occasionally passing on the road. And it's all mostly friendly, most people waive. A few of them are friendly with each other, but the little group doesn't include everyone, and not me.
It's just so draining to live in such a negative environment, with seemingly nasty, hateful, depressive people. Maybe it's just me, I don't know, I mean, I don't have trouble with people outside of the HOA, at work or away from the HOA. I mean, the HOA is completely disfunctional, but the people who make it up are the problem.
I know the ultimate solution is to sell. But I can't afford to do that by a long shot. This could be the wrong sub for the question, but how can I help change my mindset to feel this is a more pleasant environment? Anyone else in this situation, with all your neighbors being unfriendly? What have you done to deal with it?

Hi everyone! I am seeing Taylor Swift at Ford Field tomorrow, and I am curious if anyone has suggestions for being/staying high throughout the show? Obviously, marijuana is expressly prohibited, but I lucked out at my local JARS yesterday and got some joints, a variety of edibles, and little THC pills for a fabulous deal. I was thinking about wrapping up a gummy or two and sticking them in my bra, but I assume I cannot bring a pen or anything if there is a metal detector. My girlfriend suggested bringing a joint and some matches to light it, but how heavy is security? I would kick myself for the rest of my life if I got kicked out of the concert for smoking a joint. Also, I do not plan on bringing a bag since I do not have a clear one like it says is required. Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

I’m looking to get as much gold as possible. The hoggy bank will give me 250k for £5 and the standard pass royale is £6 but I’m not sure on average how much golf I would get. Do you think my best option would be the hoggy bank if I’m looking for only gold

I started my military career in June of on Sand Hill at Fort Benning. I can still tell you the unit I was in for Infantry OSUT (One Station Unit Training), and the names of my Drill Sergeants . . . this knowledge is embedded in my DNA, it's like a cheap tattoo etched inside my eyelids. I will know I'm senile when I can't pop out those details at the drop of a hat.
It was in my 13 weeks of Basic Training and Infantry AIT where I first got acquainted with the wide range of colorful people I'd encounter in the Army. In my platoon we had delinquents who could barely get moral waivers that were battle-buddied with college boys who'd lived charmed lives; we had "old men" of 30 wanting to do their patriotic duty that were battle-buddied with kids so young and green they shaved twice a week whether they needed to or not. We had Active Duty, National Guard, Reserves and even a couple of MOS reclasses.
On top of all that, we had Waters.
Private Waters was born with fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). His mom simply could not turn off the tap while she was pregnant with him - he carried that burden throughout his life. Folks with severe FAS have a look about them. Just as you can unfailingly recognize a person with Down Syndrome, you can look at a person with severe FAS and know it immediately.
Go ahead, take a minute to do a google image search on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome - you'll see what I mean.
♫ . . . . . the girl from Ipanema goes walking . . . . . . . ♫ . . .
Welcome back. See any features you recognize on someone you know? Explains a lot, doesn't it?
Severe FAS can result in problems with learning, memory, attention span, communication, vision, or hearing, among other things. Waters definitely had issues with the first four on that list.
Here's the thing, though: Waters wanted to be there at Infantry school. He volunteered to join the Army. He mustered enough concentration to take - and at least minimally pass - the ASVAB. I don't know what his score was, but it was enough.
Whenever someone gives me shit about soldiers being brainless, I have a canned response that's based in bitter personal experience: Yep, soldiers can be stupid, but you have to pass a test to get into the military. Any dumbass motherfucker can be a civilian.
We all knew that Waters needed some extra guardrails, and all of us in that basic training platoon stepped up to help him through. This could be a problem sometimes. For example, Private Tentpeg would walk past Waters in the morning and remind him to make his bunk before heading to formation. So Waters would start making his bunk. Then Private Snuffy would walk past, see Waters was making his bunk (and think to himself "Yay! Waters remembered to make his bunk today!") - then he'd remind Waters to square away his wall locker before heading down to formation.
Do you see where this is going?
Hearing Snuffy, Waters would go start to square away his wall locker. If you asked him in that moment if his bunk was good to go, he'd tell you it was, because he remembered that he had started to make it. He just couldn't remember if he had remembered to finish it. If he was then distracted by something else while working on his wall locker, he'd also insist that his wall locker was squared away, and for the same reason. If he looked at any of those items again, he might realize he needed to finish them, but he didn't operate well without either a really obvious visual cue or someone directing him. The latter usually produced better results.
He wasn't much better physically. To see Waters run, do pushup or situps, try jumping ja- . . . er, "side straddle hop" - or even march, tbh - the only phrase that came to mind was "like a monkey fucking a football." So. Much. Uncoordination. The final PT test almost sank his timely graduation.
In one instance, Waters came to me complaining that he was missing a button from his BDU blouse (BDU's? Fuck, I'm old). It wouldn't button up correctly, and could I give him a hand? I looked at it for a couple seconds and could see that he'd started with the wrong button in the bottom button hole. I calmly explained this to him and helped him correct his mistake. I'd learned early on it didn't do any good to get upset at Waters - he couldn't help it and yelling didn't fix the problem. He got a sheepish look on his face as I adjusted his buttons, was a little embarrassed, and said simply "I'm sorry, I get like that sometimes."
Me: I know, Waters. It's okay, we've got your back.
And that's just the thing - he knew. All his life, Waters knew he was a little short upstairs. But that didn't stop him from trying. He asked for help, he accepted the help, and he worked hard to overcome his limitations. On top of that he was a team player and he didn't shirk hard work. It was because of his attitude and commitment that the rest of us helped him along. We pushed, and pulled, and coached, and looked after him all the way through 13 weeks of Infantry training. In the end Waters met the standards - on his own and just barely - but goddamnit he graduated with the rest of us and didn't get recycled.
We weren't thinking about it at the time, just being fresh in the Army ourselves, but looking back I'm pretty sure there was a Squad Leader, a Platoon Sergeant, and a First Sergeant who were cursing us and our Drill Sergeants when Waters showed up at his first assignment. I never knew if, or how long, he lasted on active duty.
Sure, he was about as sharp as a box of doorknobs, and definitely frustrating sometimes, but he was our teammate and as long as he kept trying we weren't going to let him fail. That lesson of teamwork and cohesion stuck with me through 27 years of service, and I carry it still. I've known a lot smarter people who can't be bothered to put in half the effort that Waters did. I don't have time for them, but I will always help someone who is working hard to help themselves.

🔥 Monkey Bizness 🔥
Adult TH15 clan. We are all Bizness and Bizness is boomin’! We have a lot of players with league experience but just want to do spin wars. We are looking for excellent players who want a more chill clash environment that wins a lot. Think you will fit in? Read on and come join The Biz!
Clan Info
• Clan tag #GV228Q9
• Level 32
• 1000+ wars won with 84% win rate
• Max clan game rewards (in 1-2 days)
• Back-to-back wars
• CWL Champ 2 and 2 other clans (c1 and c3) so all our players can war in CWL
• Clan capital lvl 10 and maxed
• USA based but accept all nationalities
Requirements
• Adults only, no drama
• Non-rushed TH15 that 3 star
• English speaking
• Discord
How to Join
Come chat with us in our discord server and if suitable we’ll ask you to come do some FC and show us your skills. We don’t accept in game applications. Hope to see you soon!
https://discord.gg/R3cskanmUE

A lot of it has been since deleted, but i (23F) was very active on this sub last year because I had a pretty intense hsv scare. Of course I did lots of research and learned during that time how harmless and common it is, however, it was really traumatic for me because of how it played out during my breakup at the time:
Two weeks after leaving a toxic partner, he tells me he tested positive for hsv-1. When I call him in a panic for more info he basically tells me to fuck off and deal with it myself. So for about 3 months while I was waiting for the proper time window to pass for my tests to be accurate, I was miserable thinking that my second sexual partner ever, who ended up being a raging asshole who stopped at nothing to hurt me, had given me an STD that I would carry for the rest of my life. It was especially horrifying because there were a lot of things I wanted to explore sexually and romantically that would have been impeded as a result. I was extremely distressed and was having what I thought were clear symptoms. However, by whatever stroke of luck I ended up testing negative 4 times over the course of 4 months. I was in the clear basically.
Fast-forward to now, it’s been 9 months since the breakup and I haven’t been sexually active since. At first it was because of the hsv scare but later I realized this guy had really fucked with me mentally and it was gonna be really hard to move on. No one piqued my interests, no one clicked with me, and I was scared it would be that way for a long time. But in May, I met a woman online who I connected with really well for a sexual relationship- we facetimed and went out for coffee once and had decided to move forward soon. She was everything I had been dying to explore sexually for a while, I was so excited. She also represented a big step for me in my healing journey from this ex! However when I asked to see her test results she did end up testing positive for hsv-1. She said she last had a cold sore in 2015.
This puts me at a huge crossroads. I remember how it felt to be on her side. Part of the reason I’m posting this is because I want to know how legitimate my risk of contraction is if I do continue with her. I don’t want to always limit myself because of my bad experience in the past considering the majority of people have herpes. However, I would feel so fucking stupid and ashamed if I did end up contracting it from her after so narrowly avoiding it last time. I was very lucky especially since we never used protection but if I’m being realistic my chances of avoiding hsv-1-positive partners forever as a sexually active young adult are slim.
Any kind advice is much appreciated. I’m stuck. Going to talk to my therapist about it next week as well.

Hello to You all having the same problem like me - so an awful water retention in facial region with every use of minoxidil.
Firstly no, you are not insane - it really happens. It is though truly a small minority of people who will ever experience that problem. I have seen that it is probably about 4-5% of all minoxidil users in total, probably even less… and those are generally people that for some reason also tend to be otherwise hyper-responders to minoxidil - and get awful ton of new hairs looking better than getting hair transplant. Of course there are hyper-responders to minoxidil who will not get any side effects from it - especially not that awful looking moon face. Those are the most lucky ones of all.
So first short story - I have been using minoxidil for about 5 years now - in many different forms. Firstly with pg, then not alcohol based minoxidil topical solution.. and even though it helped my hair loss a ton… it made me look chubby as fuck always just after about 4-5 days of using it. No matter how much did I use, no matter if it was one time a day or one time every three days. I have highly visible six-pack, I am athletic, my bmi is closer to underweight than anything else, I am 28 years old, I have always had highly visible cheekbones and jawline… never had double chin - the farthest from that as you can be. I hop on minoxidil topical or minoxidil oral and my face features … are gone - like I have got 35 kg more than I have in real life - but just on the face, even when I take it orally as a pill. Whenever I cease to use minoxidil - those effects are gone almost as immediately as they appeared. Two weeks I am back to my normal face - the weight does not change at all. I come back to popping minox pill or using topical solution - 4-5 days - hello back face of someone weighting 35 kg more… The extent to which it is visible and noticeable for everybody else - is just comical! And no I don’t have allergic reaction of some kind, I have currently been using minox for years without any other side effect.
I have this water retention with even as low dosages as 0.25mg pills, 1/4 of one small dosage for hair. Using diuretics in insane amounts - natural or those only with receipt from doctor - gives literally nothing even when I am dehydrated otherwise - it does not change my puffy face on minox. Cutting on sodium, eating the highest amounts of potassium and magnesium gives literally nothing. It is super weird shit.
And yet I found something super weird to counter this effect of minox - maybe it will help someone else.
Or maybe someone will find out what is in Modafinil that works like that and helps with this minox water retention or whatever it is.
I have No idea why or how… but after using a ton of different drugs, drug classes, diuretics… and after year of experiments … there is one drug that seems to make 80% of minoxidil water retention go away. Just like that.
Modafinil - especially Armodafinil - Waklert. It works for about 14 hours - and if taken daily then no puffy face at all. No idea why… most people seem to report more problems with water retention and skin due to it causing histamine secretion… and yet for me it just works to make water retention minimal. Maybe also generally it is known for getting you dehydrated … but that is not that - it has to do something to histamine levels. There was also some comments of people on Modafinil forums that it causes them also to have more visible jawline, cut and more visible bone features of the face.
Weird? Yes. Definitely. I hope someone will be maybe helped through this info and maybe someone will discover what in Modafinil causes that effect of countering water retention on minoxidil. Hopefully we will be able to find it out and isolate it and it will finally resolve our problem with minoxidil.
Also it for some reason causes me to lose max 5 hair a day in the shower instead of 30. Just adding Armodafinil does that. No idea why - as in most people it purportedly increases hair loss/shedding.
Also it for some reason causes me to lose max 5 hair a day in the shower instead of 30. Just adding Armodafinil does that. No idea why - as in most people it purportedly increases hair loss/shedding.

Okay so i just started a career and im about fifteen games in playing as a cam in the english championship league and for whatever reason non of my player stats go up? I have both skill move boosters but still cant do any 4 or 5 star skills. I was hoping maybe its just because its my players first year but still super annoyed was enjoying the break from fut but this shit is so frustrating. Anyone have any similar experiences or know of how to help?

Hello, I've read online that when I sell a product through Amazon I have to pay taxes for the item on the state it was sold to (I'm aware amazon charges the customer for the taxes, but I have to make the payments to the state). At first I thought I had to register to my state and make all payments to my state no matter what state I sold to but I was wrong.
Question is how do you guys manage to do this? I find it quite a hassle to register to almost every state where amazon sells my products and they require me to report every month for those taxes even if I didnt sell any inventory to that state. Is there any software or app that makes it easier?
I heard of taxjar and it's useful but I still have to register to every state (which I'm trying to avoid to do myself because it's a hassle). They also charge like $50 for each tax payment autofiling. If you multiply that by every state where I sell its a lot.
So any advice from you guys? Thanks in advance!

I'm finishing my studies while i'm doing a traineeship but i don't get paid much, so shouldn't be able to afford this fetish.
I developed this fetish after i tried nofap. Basically at 25 a virgin i was masturbating too much and so one day i wanted to give up porn and masturbation, i was able for almost 3 months to resist the urge but i eventually gave in.
And now things got worst since i developed this weird fetish and i always want more meaning i feel the urge to do more risky things.
The other day i was about to give in and give my identity to a girl i sometimes buy gifts from her wishlist (she's kinda from my zone so there is a risk she would tell a female friend who tells a friend etc.).
First, to expose myself last year i told a girl who rejected me that i'm a virgin because i wanted to fill the thrill of being seen like a pathetic and innocent guy.
Then i paid a girl a ticket for the train.
After that i asked her to even insult me after i pay her.
Then i asked her again to insult me but i texted with my true instagram account (she's from another country but only 4 hours from where i live and one day she even visited my city).
Now when i'm on instagram and i see a girl with a big nice ass i go crazy and i need to fight the urge to text her and ask to buy her stuff.
One day i did text 7-8 girls on insta with my account asking them their wishlist, and they only live 1 hour from where i'm from.
It's like this is my sexuality and i'm afraid of when i'm going to have money when i start working 10p% and not as a trainee.
I want to be able to travel etc. but i know the first day i get a nice paycheck i will have only 1 idea in mind..
I just can't see how i can let this fetish go.
It's crazy because the idea of buying a girl things, maybe even having feelings for her but she only uses me/treats me bad, is something that i like so much that it would make me insanely happy.
It's insane how sick my brain is.

Do pt drivers make more than a pt sales associate and if so on average by how much have you noticed the difference is?

I need advice. I'm not sure I'm asking the right questions, but I think that asking the questions will in itself help me to find some answers - so here goes!
For years colleagues, friends and family have been bugging me to write down "my story". I've decided to take them up on this challenge, but I think that there's quite a difference between the story they want to hear, and the one I need to tell. Just a little side note, I'm not looking to write a 20-page essay - I'm all in.
I haven't followed any sort of straight path in my life. Telling people that I'm an "autistic expat alcoholic agnostic catholic ex-priest data engineer now in my third same-sex marriage" may be a great conversation starter, but it's a whirlwind to explain.
The story I want to write is about my later-in-life autism diagnosis, and how that allowed me to re-write my own history. For example:
My childhood was dark, something that took me years to move past and no matter how I approach it, it will be tough to keep the reader in a place where they want to keep reading.
But it stopped being dark for me in the very moment that I got my diagnosis, because all of a sudden everything just made sense. Abuse, depression, hopelessness and despair were pretty much transformed. Not that those things don't exist in my story, but they do have a purpose in the grand scheme of things, in developing the adult I am today. My parents had no idea why I was behaving the way I was. They definitely ended up going in the completely wrong direction in how they treated me, but I can see some of the reasoning behind it, however flawed it was. I had no friends at school and was bullied mercilessly because I had no grip on social interactions, and no idea how to make friends. Things struck me as "punishments" or abuse even if that wasn't the intention, because I was clueless. I ended up moving halfway around the world as soon as I reached adulthood, moving from country to country making incredibly crappy decisions because I was in search of a "secure home" which was a foreign concept to me. The church was an attempt at home, but that tanked too (which is a book in and of itself!).
Thirty years later I have an amazing life. I've found my home, my career, and I know who I am. I even like the person I've become. I still have a lot of challenges, but life is good. THAT is the message I want to get across.
But there's the darkness to get through first.
​
So the question is: how does one approach so much darkness in a story, using the knowledge gained so many years later, without losing the light at the end of the tunnel? I was thinking about writing from present-day POV and using flashbacks, but is that too cliche?

I can run psx, ps2, no problem. Most psp which is sad it should have better compatibility lol. My question is how to get a iso of ps3 to run step by step or simplify process would be nice. I've been able to see the iso with webman certain games will start ish and just hang. So any advice would be great. I have the webstore but certain games full auto 2 and tales of symphonia chronicles aren't available just demos. Ps3 is probably my favorite system so any other suggestions emus, games, and just what I can do with evilnat 4.90 would be great. My sister gave it to me as it was collecting dust upgraded the hdd and having a blast 😊

I’m a server at a restaurant and recently the owner said the food waste was unaccounted for. He blames us (the staff) and says we must have been taking food without making tickets. The cooks DO NOT give the waitstaff anything without a ticket btw. Anyways to cover his food cost for his restaurant he decided to force each of the staff to pay $5 dollars everyday they work to cover food. (This will pay for one shift meal a day) here’s the issue, I don’t eat at my job. This was made clear to the owner that not all staff eats there and his reply was “too bad” everyone pays if they eat or not. I never signed anything consenting to this, nobody has. When my manager confronted him again about how it was unfair to make certain staff pay he threw a fit and threatened to fire all of us and lock the doors for good. Is this legal?

I don’t even know where to post this but I am getting so, so frustrated. My boyfriend constantly says I gaslight him. I have tried to explain to him what gaslighting is and how he does not properly understand the term and it’s honestly getting incredibly hurtful when he says that to me. For context I am epileptic so I have a bad memory to begin with (which he also claims to understand but I know he doesn’t because he’s never tried to). But I do not just completely forget things but it’s definitely a slow trickle out and things can get mixed up and twisted and I have no short term memory. Also, he acts likes he never said something or things never happened- which could be the case… but really, he’s ALWAYS right? Always? Like I’ll bring up something he said to me yesterday and he said he did not say that when I’m so sure it happened and he says I’m the one gaslighting him. And this is starting to happen more and more, which shouldn’t be happening because my seizures are controlled and my memory is getting a lot better.
But with my own memory issues I’m getting very confused, I’m also almost positive these things did happen. Like, an example would be a song he played on our last vacation- I liked the song so I added it to a playlist, now he’s claiming he doesn’t even know the song, but how would I have heard it AND added it to my playlist? Like why do I know the song? I have a clear memory of us listening to it in the kitchen- I really just made the entire thing up? It’s not a big deal it’s just a song, but it’s constant instances like this that we are bickering over more and more that make me feel like a crazy person who’s just losing her mind.
And as for him not understanding gaslighting, I’m not maliciously trying to confuse the stories (or stuff I’m making up?). I am not remembering clearly I guess, it has nothing to do with invalidating his emotions. He does not seem to understand that.
How can I get this point across. It is making me feel like he truly does not want to understand my memory issues and make light of a true abuse tactic.

Hi, I have a channel with music that I created and I want to make it more like a playlist channel with 10hour videos etc.(lounge music, jazz music, gaming music) since I'm not able to produce so much music how can I get rights from music creators to include their music on my 10hours videos.
Is there any platform that I can contact the creator directly
What happens if I want to monetize my channel later, do I need to pay them if they give me the rights to use?
(I'm not planning to use AI music generators)
Thank you.

(We are both 16 year old girls by the way, she thought she was lesbian until she met him)
Some of the problem is a best friend should be able to talk about their best friends boyfriend with their best friend. I don’t talk about her bf with her because that day at the mall the mall after they started dating that she told Me I’m obsessed with you, and I would cry from missing you and if I hadn’t met my boyfriend we would be dating. I can’t get over it. She shouldn’t have said that to me and I shouodnt have said if she’s ever single then let me know. I don’t tell her that tho. We just act like it didn’t happen.
That’s the problem. And she’s over it but I just cant, and the fact that I’m extremely obsessed with her. And I can’t be a proper best friend this way. She’s also not 100 percent in the right with some stuff but like me too so. Like she doesn’t really text back much anymore or call me anymore ever and stuff like it just hurts (we go out or see each other when she has the time now) I get she’s busy but my obsession and how we used to be and my jelousy makes it hurt. Also going from being her number one and she was mine too. and doing everything with he calling every night and saying I love you all the time and her saying I wish we could live together and I would die for you, and going from having school lunch together every single day to her doing it with him instead, getting replaced by someone hurts no matter what and this hurts a lot
But I should have been able to adapt to that. The problme is my deep connection and obsession with her. I can’t really get over it and now it’s become really painful. I still love her and it’s just. I want us to go back to how we were… everyone has a best friend. And I had one it was absolutely amazing. It hurts.

This is gonna be a long and probably confusing post, trying to get my thoughts on paper or write them out just seems impossible at this point
My ex gf(34) and I M(29) broke up just under 5 weeks ago. We were in a LDR for 8 months and I fell hard in love with her
She was married and I was single, I never pursued her because of this. Until one night we were hanging out on a discord call with friends and she messaged me telling me how attractive she thinks I am, I at first thought she was messing around and thought nothing of it until a few more messages, then she came on very hard sexually. So I decided to say fuck it and go along with it cause i always found her attractive and we vibed. (I regret it everyday, at the time I didn't care about her marriage and I know how shitty I am for it, karma has well and truly done what it needed to do to me) this continued for a couple weeks, it was highly sexual, the messages, voice notes, videos, pictures and calls. This goes on for a couple weeks and then she started to talk about how she was feeling towards me, she would call me her twin flame, say things like she's never connected with anyone the way she does me etc. I always rejected the talk of feelings because I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to catch feelings as this was purely sexual to me. Fast forward a couple more weeks and at this point we have been talking a fuck ton, about very personal things, our childhoods, our life, bonded over music, games and whatnot. She continued to push her feelings for me and I continued to keep my guard up because I didn't want to end up in this position I am now in. She told me she was going to divorce her husband, I never commented or gave advice on it because lt was not my place to do so. I did tell her to heal from her divorce, take time for herself and find herself again. She agreed and wanted to do so, so she could be fully available to me. I know at this point we had already cheated and destroyed another man but I atleast respected her for wanting to heal. She filed for divorce and we continued to talk but then the subject of love came up. I told her I will not go there until me and her are in person and know how it really feels, she agreed but then one week goes by and she tells me she is in love with me. I was falling for her and knew how I felt but wanted us to do so in person. We then became a couple... I know how fucked up it is, I really do.
She would tell me weird things like men always hitting on her, always trying to get with her, send me screenshot of guys non stop bothering her. I never asked for these things, so It made me feel weird but I never communicated it, which I know is my fault and something I've learnt. At this point we were dating and she would complain of this one guy non stop bothering her and she can't get rid of him. I told her just tell the dude you're with your bf and he will probably back off, I was not happy with her over this because it felt like she was hiding me. She apologised and we moved forward with it, then she started lying about being in other guys streams. I called her out on her lies and she would always proceed to call me jealous and insecure, the thing that hurt the most was after our blowup she would go back into that guys stream and give him money. Felt like a kick in the gut. Was there jealousy there? Yes? I sat with it for a while to understand why I was being jealous and all I could think about was the amount of times she would tell me about different men trying to get with her and the little lies she would come up with, i could never prove she was lying and i know it made me sounds crqzy and possesive but i know what i saw and i know what my gut was telling me. I'm normally not a jealous man. This would happen a few times and it hurt me but I bottled it up and it came out in the wrong way. That's on me... another example is when she mentioned this man messaging her just after her divorce, wanting to take her out etc. She would shit talk this guy to me, call him creepy and whatnot. One day we were laying down and I look over to her, I glanced at her phone and here is the same guy she is calling a creep messaging her. I was furious, instead of confronting her I gave the silent treatment, immature of me I know but I just didn't know how to deal with what my gut was telling me, I rejected it all and refused to believe that this person I'm in love with is lying to me and God knows what else.
She also told me about a time her best friends husband tried to kiss her. Again, I dont know why she told me this but hey ho. She also told me how they both cheated on one another many times. She brought me to that house, I remember the four of us chilling in their garage having a drink, laughs and a smoke. Her friend showed me photos of a lake they all go to in the summer. As we left to head back home my gf goes on to tell me how she isn't happy with her friend, she didn't like the way she leaned over me to show photos. Then went on to say how I am her friends type and all this bullshit. I told her to take that up with her friend and leave me the fuck out of this cause I did nothing nore even notice something like that. We had a massive argument over it. Wasn't the first time she got jealous over another woman. I dont mind jealousy, i think its a normal reaction to have but as long as it doesnt become unhealthy and controlling, the other ones were minor but questions were asked about certain women liking photos on my Instagram. One I went on a date with once and the other who I worked with. That's it, I was happy to say who these people were and what they meant to me. I had nothing to hide. Time goes on and she flew over to me (London) for my birthday. We argued that night too and she threatened to leave me, I told her if she ever threatens to do so again, I will leave her as I found it cruel to put that one someone. Writing this out I realise how toxic this all was. Which hits me hard because I felt like I was in love and we connected so well. I wish I communicated how I felt better, I wish I didn't do what I did and I wish I was given a fair chance to be in love. I am also at fault for this I'm fully aware.
Fast forward to few weeks ago we have a massive row again because I called her out on her lies, she called me a psycho and too possessive. I tried to explain its not that you are in another man's stream, it's the fact that you lie about it and I don't know why, she then goes on to tell me im only ever comfortable when she goes to a her other best friends house, i said yes because she seemed level headed and honest, the reason i felt uncomfortable with her going to her other friends house was because of them doing cocaine in there, which she had told me about but it was all made out to be like i was jealous because the husband tried to kiss her. It had fuck all to do with that, its drugs and she knew how i felt about drugs. But I was starting to feel like I may genuinely be highly jealous and insecure. I dont know if that's because she has made me feel that way or I am like that. I've worked hard these last 2 months to make sure that's not the case. Anyway she forgave me and we moved forward, until 3 weeks later she said this isn't working. I begged, I pleaded and I didn't understand why I was given this chance and then had it snatched from me when I was doing everything I can to work on myself
She went on to say she wants to heal because she had just gotten out of an 11 year relationship, and be by herself. I found it hard to believe considering that's what she should've done 8 months ago, like we said. Then she proceeds to tell me its because of the hurt I caused her that night a few weeks ago when we argued. I accused her of lying, which she was.i didn't verbally assault or call her names I just asked her to tell me what is going on. We were intoxicated and I just had enough of the little lies. I know that is for me to work on and put right, I will accept anything and everything I've done wrong these last 8 months. I realise I'm a shitty person and whatever came from this relationship I deserved. But I feel like I was never given a chance considering how we started. I know I never should've got with a person that was married. The trust was not there because of it but still i pushed how i felt aside and rejected my gut feelings. I tried everything to make sure we didn't do that but words and time spent together. I fell in love
Not even two weeks went by and I found out she is already dating. I knew this would happen cause she done it to her husband, who the fuck am I right? I aint special. But I'm hurting so much, my confidence is shattered and I'm lost. She said she wanted space but keeps reaching out to me, told me she will always love me and how a piece of her heart will always belong to me. Its been 5 weeks and she still reaches out, not as frequent but will send me a message saying I really do want you yo be happy, I ignored her cause seeing her face just brings me to tears, she brought up how i am ignoring her messages and i told her if she wants to talk then let me know. She then messaged me saying she hopes I'm alright, I replied saying I'm alright thanks, yourself? My heart tells me to let her go, remove her from my socials and really start to heal but I can't let go and it's killing me
I know I deserve to feel how her husband felt when she moved on straight away. I get that but I don't think I deserved the emotional abuse here, I think its emotional abuse. I'm just so confused and trying to figure it out so I can learn from this
There will be things I have forgotten or not put in because the post is long enough but if there are any questions I will answer them. I dont want this to come across as me shitting on her and blaming her for everything. I know I had my part in this and I fucked up in so many ways but I cant escape the feeling of being emotionally abused here