• Scooby-Doo (voiced by Frank Welker)
• Daphne Blake (voiced by Grey Griffin)
• Fred Jones (voiced by Frank Welker)
• Liane Cartman (voiced by Mary Kay Bergman)

God is a trinity
God the father God the son God the holy spirit
God the father:
Genesis 1:26 / Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.
John 14:28 / You have heard Me say to you, ‘I (Jesus) am going away and coming back to you.’ If you loved Me, you would rejoice because I said, ‘I am going to the Father,’ for My Father is greater than I.
Matthew 24:36 / But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, but My Father only.
God the holy spirit:
Genesis 1:2 / The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
John 14:26 / But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have told you.
John 16:13 / However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come.
God the Son:
John 1:2-5 / In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
John 1:14 / And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth
John 8:58 / Jesus said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I AM.”
Revelation 1:18 / I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death.
God is good:
1 Chronicles 16:34 / Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.
God is holy:
Psalm 97:12 / Be glad in the Lord, you righteous ones, And give thanks to His holy name.
God's love:
John 3:16 / For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
God's justice:
2 Corinthians 5:10 / For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.
God is righteous:
Psalm 119:137 / Righteous are You, O Lord, and upright are Your judgments.
How to enter heaven:

1. Believe in the trinity
2. Believe Jesus Christ died for your sins on the cross
3. Believe Jesus Christ was raised from the dead 3 days later
4. Do not follow your own desires
5. Put on the armour of God
6. Resist the devil and he will flee
7. Follow God's commandments
8. Repent of your sins
9. Pray to God
10. Ask for forgiveness from God

1 John 2:3-6 / When we obey God, we are sure we know him. But if we claim to know him and don't obey him, we are lying and the truth isn't in our hearts. We truly love God only when we obey him as we should, and then we know we belong to him. If we say we are his, we must follow the example of Christ.
We are all sinners but through Jesus we can find everlasting life.
Repent and turn from your old ways. Sin escalates and gets worse without regret.
Sin is not allowed in heaven so bind and resist sin on earth.
Matthew 18:18 / I assure you and most solemnly say to you, whatever you bind [forbid, declare to be improper and unlawful] on earth shall have [already] been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose [permit, declare lawful] on earth shall have [already] been loosed in heaven.
We can receive forgiveness and mercy for our sins through God the son, Jesus Christ our lord and saviour.
Forgiveness is available to everyone, even those who have made the same mistakes many times. However repentance is needed from you. Jesus will show you the right way but you still have a choice to follow or not.
How to resist the devil:
The armor of God represents the defense we must take in our spiritual lives. The Bible tells us that we are fighting a war against Satan, who seeks to destroy us. Therefore, we must take action and put on God's armor. As Christians, it is important for us to understand the severity of this battle.
Armor of God

1. the belt of truth - honesty
2. the breastplate of righteousness - do the right thing
3. the shoes of the gospel of peace - remain calm and collected
4. the shield of faith - trust God
5. the helmet of salvation - accept Jesus Christ is my lord and savior.
6. The sword of the Spirit - use and know the word of God

GOOD FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT:
Galatians 5:22-23 / But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Matthew 6:14 / For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don't forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Luke 6:36-38 / Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.
Matthew 22:37-39 / Jesus says, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
1 Peter 4:8 / And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins
John 14:21 / Whoever has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me. The one who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and reveal Myself to him.”
SINS:
The 10 Commandments:

1. You shall have no other God's before me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
4. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Holy.
5. Honor your father and mother.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
9. Thou shall not bear false witness.
10. You shall not covet.

The seven deadly sins are:

1. lust
2. gluttony
3. greed
4. laziness
5. wrath
6. envy
7. pride

Proverbs 6:16-19 / These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.
Matthew 5:27-28 / You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
James 4:17 / So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin
Colossians 3:5-6 / Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.
Galatians 5:19-21 / Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity (hostility), strife (conflict), jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions (disagreement), divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Galatians 5:19-21 / Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality (sexual pleasure), idolatry, sorcery, enmity (hostility), strife (conflict), jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions (disagreements), divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Any miracles done that is not from God is from the devil. The devil is deceitful and will hide his sorcery in false doctrines. Do not be deceived and be led astray because this is done by the devil to hide the truth.
1 John 3:15 / Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.
CONSEQUENCES OF SIN:
James 1:12-16 / Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and SIN WHEN IT IS FULLY GROWN BRINGS FORTH DEATH. Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers
Hebrews 3:12-14 / Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an EVIL, unbelieving heart, LEADING YOU TO FALL AWAY FROM THE LIVING GOD. But exhort (strongly encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be HARDENED BY THE DECEITFULNESS OF SIN. For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end.
1 Peter 3:12 / For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.
Matthew 5:30 / And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
Proverbs 9:10 - The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
SAVED BY FAITH:
Matthew 7:21-23 / Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you workers of lawlessness!’
Ephesians 2:8 -10 = For by grace you are saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God; not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are his workmanship, having been created in Christ Jesus for good works that God prepared beforehand SO WE MAY DO THEM.
James 2:17 = So too, faith by itself, if it does not result in action, is dead
James 2:21-22 / Was not our father Abraham justified by what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith was working with his actions, and his faith was perfected by what he did.
My conclusion on faith:
We are saved by faith in the trinity. Works are there to strengthen your faith. Sin weakens your faith until it dies.
Reasons for evil:
Isaiah 45:7 / I form the light and create darkness, I make peace and create calamity; I, the Lord, do all these things
You have free will to choose to be good or evil. God allows you to choose even if he knows what you will choose. If he doesn't allow evil people to exist he cannot give free will to man or he cannot let man be created. If man has no free will then we can no longer call ourselves human being as we would be something else. If we are not created by God he cannot save his lost sheep born into a world of good and evil where the ground is cured and weeds grow amongst the wheat.
Hell was created for the fallen angels but also because evil people exist. Evil people cannot escape justice so God created a place of torment for them. This place is for people who disobey God and refuse to serve him.
Matthew 13: 37-39 / He answered and said unto them, He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels.
God needs cursed ground to sow the seeds of sinners. God has rules which he also follows, he does not just do as he wants. The devil can sow his own seeds as well. The devil's seeds/children can also be saved.
Zechariah 3 1-4 = Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right side to accuse him. The LORD said to Satan, "The LORD rebuke you, Satan! The LORD, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?" Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, "Take off his filthy clothes." Then he said to Joshua, "See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you."
The devil is making mistakes as you can see from the verse above. Weeds can also be saved.
These sinners can be saved by faith in God the son. We are all black sheep which God is coming to find.
The reason for life:
You have free will but God also told you not to sin. Therefore you can ignore God's will and do as you please or you can obey God and do his will.
When you die or come to the end of your life on earth God will tell you who you are. Only God can define you. God loves you and wants to bless you too. Your blessings depends on what you did during your life on earth.
The bible is God's word.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 / All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

Trying to avoid using AITA language since this isn’t AITA subreddit. Also the contents of my post happened a little over year ago, but am now wondering if I was in the wrong, so I’m taking it to this subreddit that I love so dearly :)
Setting the scene to March 2022, I on a whim decided to visit my mom and dad in the middle of the week since I WFH. Mom was suffering heart palpitations all week, and dad had a broken collar bone coming out of a bike ride. I wanted to be there for them during their time of weakness. My mom lives an hour away and my dad an hour & 20 minutes (divorced).
I’m a night owl so naturally I left my apartment around midnight and arrived to my mom’s first at 1am, she was still awake and we were catching up until about 4am.
Come 8 in the morning, my roommate calls me asking me to let her in the apartment because she locked herself out and couldn’t access her car keys. I am barely able to form a sentence because I’m so tired, but I say that I can’t come. I had a busy day of work ahead, I was sleep deprived, I wanted to take my dad to his collarbone checkup, etc. It was also rush hour so it would’ve taken me more than an hour to get to my roommate at the time she called, plus having to drive back to my parents’ right after.
She was livid. She demanded that I be the one to call her boss and explain why she would be late for work, or to explain why she wouldn’t come to work that day. I responded that I wouldn’t do that for her because it’s her boss not mine. I tried to offer her other solutions like taking an Uber to work, but she declined that because she wasn’t dressed in her scrubs yet (she was a medical scribe, but alternative non-patient-facing work was available so she didn’t technically need scrubs). Then I suggested she borrow scrubs from a coworker who hasn’t left for work yet/have a coworker give her a ride/etc. She declined all of these and said they wouldn’t do that for her. Basically declined all of my reasonable suggestions because she didn’t want to put the burden on her coworkers, but had no problem with putting the burden on me.
She ends the call with threatening to break my bedroom window in order to get in the apartment. Mind you I lived in a metropolitan area and my window was sidewalk-level AND street-facing on the first floor. If she was actually crazy enough to do this, having a gaping hole in my bedroom would’ve been dangerous. I’ve always experienced nightmares in my sleep and the thought of a break-in while sleeping on the first floor kept me up most nights. She had the luxury of being 2 floors higher (townhouse apartment layout). I did not take her threat lightly - I confronted her the next day and she ingenuinely apologized because she used defensive language in her apology. But the interaction always left a bitter taste in my mind and I couldn’t fully forgive her. Everything she did from this point onward ended up annoying me and I saw the selfishness in her actions more and more. It got to a point where I’ve now cut her off and ended a 13 year friendship because I would not tolerate being talked to that way. Thoughts?

Hi. Just joined, and I needed a space to talk about what I've been experiencing for most of my life. I don't know if my mom fits into the description but I don't know how else to address / manage all of this in the long term and I guess I just wanted perspective from a community that's had more experience with this. It's hard to adequately summarise my experience because I've deliberately obscured many memories for the sake of my emotional wellbeing but I want to try. I'm just trying to get the words out of me, so I'm sorry if it doesn't read well.
For as long as I've known I've had a difficult relationship with my mom. It's a lot of different factors. I'm 23 and nonbinary. When I was younger I had a very headstrong personality and I saw my mom as someone who was very similar. She wasn't around a lot, because both my parents worked and my grandmother (dad's mom) stayed with us to look after my sister and I. I don't remember explicitly being very loving to her, although I suppose I must have loved her because I didn't really get too terrible emotionally until I was maybe 13 or so. She was trained as an English teacher, and took a strong hand in my early education. I was reading and writing very early, and I'm graduating college this year as an English major with Honours, highest distinction. I acknowledge her influence in my success. But from what I can remember is she used to make me join her private classes with older students, and we used to clash during those classes because I would question the content and she wasn't happy with that. When I got a bit older and her teaching centre closed down she would do the classes at home with my sister and I to get us to be more educated on current topics, but a lot of those "classes" often devolved into her criticising my dad and his family (less educated than herself) behind their back, and then criticising my sister and I. Don't remember why, but I know I used to run off to the bathroom to cry afterwards pretty often.
It's hazy afterwards. When I was in my teens we continued to have a difficult time getting along. I think it was maybe a lot of disagreements and criticisms. She would tell me I was fat and didn't dress well and that I had a bad personality. My sister often echoed that a lot. She would make us go shopping together and buy clothes that I didn't feel comfortable in. It was doubly hard because I was grappling with my gender identity at the time and suffering from a lot of dysphoria. I remember starting Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club for Literature class and taking my teacher aside and telling her I didn't know if I could get through the class because I had a really difficult relationship with my mother and I found it really hard to get through the book. She was a really good teacher though, she supported me a lot through that time. In 2016, the year I was doing my nationals and graduating secondary school, my mom disappeared. She had joined some kind of religious group and (we believe) gone overseas with them. She made it out like she was going to be gone for 2 weeks, which became a month, which became... I want to say about 9 months. I think it was like 6 months, then she came back for a bit, then another couple of months. Don't remember exactly. She lied to her parents (who are also very emotionally manipulative and difficult... when they love us they love us but they can be very hard to handle when they don't get their way. they loved me and my sister but when they finally had male grandchildren. well.) about where she was and when she would return. They bombarded her with messages. Mom messaged me and told me to tell her parents things about what she was doing, which was difficult because she was also lying to me and the lies didn't match up and they didn't believe. And I couldn't give them the answer they wanted because I didn't know anything. So for a year, one of the most important years of my life, my grandparents made my life hell. They'd message me, they'd come to my school looking for me, they'd take me out to meals and tell me all about how they were going to die soon and that they needed us to have a good relationship and that I should be grateful that my parents never abused me and I should beg, literally get on my knees and beg, my mother to come home. It got so bad that I, being unfortunately emotionally fragile and quite active on social media, had multiple breakdowns on Facebook, which led my aunt (dad's sister) to call my dad and show him what was going on and he had to ask me if I wanted to stop seeing my grandparents.
But mom eventually came back, and we sort of pretended it didn't happen. Case closed. The next couple of years are a big fog in my memory because I was having a really bad time mentally because of school. So I totally don't remember having any major interactions with mom. Which is good actually.
Then I went to uni. I moved into student housing and getting out of the house was so great. At home I shared the bed in mom's room, and my workspace was wherever I could find some space on a table. So to have my own room (half; shared with a roommate) with my own bed and my own table was super freeing. Mom couldn't let me go. She wanted me home every weekend, bought me a ton of stuff I didn't need, asked me for a copy of my room key. She never used it, but I was afraid for a whole year that she would just walk in when she wanted to. These four years of undergrad, I've become a different person, I'm more confident, I came out, made friends, studied hard, figured out how to dress myself, how to do makeup, everything. Being away from her was amazing.
But mom's fallen into a pattern. She's been disappearing again, months at a time, away more often than not. When she comes back she immediately inserts herself into our lives and starts criticising us; how the house looks, how we've been eating. She buys me gifts I don't like, clothes or earrings. Sister and I think she might be in some kind of religious cult but we don't want to get into that. She hasn't had a full conversation with dad in years. I've tried a few times to engage her in conversation about how her actions have affected us and how she's been emotionally abusive but she won't hear any of it. She said she's been to therapy; I don't think it's real actual therapy, she's more aware of how she was emotionally abused by her parents but won't admit that she was abusive to us. From what she says it sounds like she's more open about painting herself as the victim but that she's better than all of it because she never beat my sister and I. Which is a low bar. We had an argument in a Uniqlo about it. Any time she talks about how she was as a parent she makes it out like she's a really great parent because she didn't do any of the things her parents did. I've just stopped trying.
My boyfriend is of a different race and religion (I am not white, but majority race in my country). When I told my parents they were a little weirded out, but mom didn't say anything about it until months later. She just asked me a few questions, and I thought it was fine. We were getting along, we were having ice cream, just the two of us. Then I told her parents. And they lost it. Messaging me really racist things for over a month. Made my aunts speak to me about it. Eventually I had to insinuate that the relationship wasn't serious and that we broke up and I think they bought it. Of course they also messaged mom. And one weekend when I was home she woke me up in the morning to yell at me about it, and she said a lot of really racist things too, and told me to say anything to my grandparents to get them off her back. Not mine. Not a single word in my defense.
I know this whole post is just... things. Just conversations or events. I don't know how to say how she's made me feel for most of my adolescent life. I don't know how to tell you how bad my mental health was. I don't even know if I'm just pretending not to remember things or if I'm blowing things out of proportion or if I fed myself a different memory so well it feels real. I just know I can't talk to her anymore. She recently returned from a two month trip, during which she spent her birthday and mother's day away from us, and she's back to acting like nothing happened, showering me with gifts, insisting that she'll pick me up from whatever event, cooking meals, and I just can't talk to her anymore. I can't love her, no matter if she does love me. I am so tired and worn out and I want to walk away, want to focus on my career and my own development, look after my dad and sister and boyfriend without her and her side of the family in the picture, but I can't. She's my mom. She couldn't even be fucked to commit to coming to my graduation event when I invited her, just said "Get the seat for me and we'll see." I'm going back tonight to share a bed with her again. I'm a better and different person, except when I'm in her presence. I just wanted my mom to love me and support me. Even if I was a difficult teenager. Even if I'm nonbinary and queer and in an interracial relationship. But I can't, I don't know how to fix things or make it better for myself in the long term.

So this is a list of the podcast episodes Shaffir listened as ones he particularly liked as he is now ending the show. Summaries are provided by ChatGPT and may be shitty, but I fixed the ones that were way off. There's also direct links to 0-200 as a comment below Enjoi.
First 100:

37: The Nuthouse (Brody Stevens):

Ari Shaffir interviews comedian Brody Stevens, who opens up about his struggles with mental health and shares stories from his time spent in a psychiatric hospital.

40: Prostitutti Frutti (Miss X):

Ari Shaffir speaks with Miss X, a former prostitute, about her experiences in the sex industry, the challenges she faced, and her journey towards a different life.

50: Buddhism (Duncan Trussell):

Ari Shaffir and Duncan Trussell explore the principles and practices of Buddhism, discussing its relevance in modern society and how it can help individuals find peace and fulfillment.

73: Love Scam (Sarah Tiana):

Ari Shaffir talks to comedian Sarah Tiana about her personal experiences with online dating scams and the hilarious and sometimes shocking encounters she had while looking for love.

80: Chester the Molester (Dale Dudley):

"Dale Dudley came over to my hotel room in Austin, TX to shoot the shit and talk about his childhood molestation. It's way more fun than the subject matter. This is a really good, honest, and funny podcast. It's exactly what I envisioned when I started the Skeptic Tank."

79a: We Are Anonymous (Luke Harder, Star_Fawkes):

Ari Shaffir interviews Luke Harder and Star_Fawkes, two members of the hacker collective "Anonymous," discussing their motivations, activities, and the impact they have had on various issues.

79b: We Are Anonymous:

Continuing from the previous episode, Ari Shaffir further delves into the world of the hacker collective "Anonymous," discussing their methods, philosophies, and the societal implications of their actions.

92: Caddyshack (Greg Fitzsimmons, Steve Simeone, Greg's hyper dog):

Ari Shaffir is joined by comedians Greg Fitzsimmons and Steve Simeone, along with Greg's energetic dog, as they share their love for the classic comedy film "Caddyshack" and reminisce about their favorite moments.

99: Scrappy Doo w Greg Fitzsimmons:

Ari Shaffir and Greg Fitzsimmons discuss the infamous cartoon character Scrappy Doo, exploring the reasons behind the character's unpopularity and the impact it had on the show "Scooby-Doo."

95: Childless (Dom Irrera):

Ari Shaffir has a conversation with comedian Dom Irrera about his decision to remain childless and the societal pressures and misconceptions surrounding the choice. They explore the joys and challenges of living a child-free life.

100: Deliverance (Ryan O'Neill, Jeff Danis, George Saint Pierre, Nate Diaz, Ari Shaffir):

In this milestone episode, Ari Shaffir is joined by Ryan O'Neill, Jeff Danis, George Saint Pierre, and Nate Diaz. They engage in a lively discussion covering a wide range of topics, including personal anecdotes, comedy, mixed martial arts, and life experiences.

104: The Art of War with Greg Jackson and Kevin Christy:

Ari Shaffir delves into the world of martial arts and strategy as he sits down with Greg Jackson and Kevin Christy to discuss the art of war, combat sports, and the mindset required for success in the fighting world.

105: Going Blind (Tom Segura):

Comedian Tom Segura joins Ari Shaffir for a candid conversation about his personal experience with vision loss, discussing the challenges, adaptations, and humorous moments that come with going blind.

115: Heroin - Down In A Hole (Donovan Pee):

Ari Shaffir talks with Donovan Pee about his battle with heroin addiction, exploring the depths of addiction, the journey to recovery, and the ongoing struggles and insights gained from his experiences.

113: Lefty Liberty (Jimmy Dore):

Ari Shaffir sits down with comedian Jimmy Dore to discuss political ideologies, focusing on left-wing perspectives and the importance of civil liberties in society.

120: Shroomfest 2013 w Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, Pete Cornacchione:

Ari Shaffir and his guests Tony Hinchcliffe, Mat Edgar, and Pete Cornacchione share their experiences and adventures during Shroomfest 2013, discussing the highs, insights, and psychedelic encounters they had.

122: Exspecially Cutting:

Ari Shaffir explores the topic of self-harm and cutting, engaging in a deep and honest conversation about the psychological and emotional aspects surrounding this behavior.

123: You Know What Dad (Robert Kelly):

Comedian Robert Kelly joins Ari Shaffir for a humorous and heartfelt discussion about fatherhood, sharing personal stories and reflections on the joys and challenges of being a dad.

124: Rape & Eggs (Kathleen McGee):

Ari Shaffir talks to comedian Kathleen McGee about her experiences with sexual assault, discussing the sensitive and important topic of rape and its impact on survivors.

133: Fuck the Government (Dave Smith):

Ari Shaffir and Dave Smith engage in a provocative conversation critiquing the government, discussing libertarian perspectives, and exploring the flaws and shortcomings of political systems.

134: Maniac (John F. O'Donnell):

Ari Shaffir sits down with John F. O'Donnell to discuss mental health, specifically focusing on O'Donnell's experiences with bipolar disorder and the challenges and insights that come with living with this condition.

141: Happiness (@SteveSimeone) by AriShaffir:

Ari Shaffir and comedian Steve Simeone delve into the topic of happiness, exploring the sources of joy and fulfillment in life and sharing personal anecdotes that highlight the importance of embracing positivity.

142: Gender Bender (Lauren Hennessy):

Ari Shaffir talks to Lauren Hennessy about her journey as a transgender woman, discussing the challenges, triumphs, and insights gained from embracing her true identity.

151: Ass Burger (@AutisticThunder):

Ari Shaffir has a conversation with Autistic Thunder about living with Asperger's syndrome, exploring the unique perspectives, challenges, and strengths associated with autism.

152: The Streetz, USA (Doc Willis):

Ari Shaffir sits down with Doc Willis to discuss his experiences growing up in the streets of the United States, shedding light on the realities, struggles, and resilience of those living in disadvantaged communities.

157: Divorce, of Course:

"Jacob Sirof and Sherry Sirof (nee East) each had me over to their places of residence to talk about the divorce that they're going through right now. First I went to Moshe Kasher's old place where Jacob is staying. Then a week later I went to their old apartment to talk to Sherry about the same topic. It's an interesting view into two sides of a disolution of the bond of marriage."

159: Thrilled (@TomSegura):

Comedian Tom Segura returns to the podcast as he and Ari Shaffir share hilarious stories, discuss comedy, and reflect on their careers, leaving listeners entertained and thrilled.

169: Blacklanta with Big Jay Oakerson and Ms. Pat:

Ari Shaffir, along with Big Jay Oakerson and Ms. Pat, explores the city of Atlanta, delving into its culture, comedy scene, and unique experiences.

170: HIV for Victory w Jeff Scott:

Ari Shaffir and Jeff Scott engage in a thought-provoking discussion about HIV, its history, misconceptions, and advancements in treatment, challenging the stigmas surrounding the virus.

173: Beijingaling (@DesBishop, @ComicDaveSmith):

Ari Shaffir welcomes Des Bishop and Dave Smith to the podcast as they share their experiences and insights gained from living in Beijing, discussing Chinese culture, politics, and the challenges of adapting to a new environment.

183: Popo (@MarkDemayo):

Ari Shaffir talks to Mark DeMayo about his experiences as a former police officer, exploring the realities of law enforcement, the complexities of the job, and the impact it had on DeMayo's life.

197: Injection Protection (Morgan Black):

Ari Shaffir and Morgan Black engage in a conversation about harm reduction and drug use, discussing strategies, safety measures, and the importance of education in minimizing risks associated with drug injection.

203: Prison Rules (Ali Siddiq)

Ari Shaffir and Ali Siddiq dive into a discussion about life in prison, exploring the unwritten rules, survival strategies, and the harsh realities faced by inmates.

216: Tenement (Nick Mullen):

Ari Shaffir chats with Nick Mullen about his experiences living in a tenement building, sharing stories of the unique characters, challenges, and memorable moments that come with this type of living situation.

219: Khob Khun Krap with Pete C:

Ari Shaffir and Pete C have a conversation about Pete's experiences living in Thailand, discussing the culture, customs, and the adventures he had while immersing himself in the Thai way of life.

223: Palsy with Davey Wester:

Ari Shaffir talks to Davey Wester about his life with cerebral palsy, delving into the challenges, triumphs, and the unique perspective that comes with living with a disability.

224: Take Me Out To The Ball Game (@PaulMorrissey):

Ari Shaffir and Paul Morrissey discuss their love for baseball, sharing stories, insights, and hilarious moments related to America's favorite pastime.

227: The Herp (@JoeListComedy):

Ari Shaffir and Joe List engage in a candid conversation about herpes, discussing the stigmas, misconceptions, and the impact it has on relationships and personal lives.

235: First Responder; A 9/11 Story (Cris Italia):

Ari Shaffir talks with Cris Italia, a first responder during the 9/11 attacks, as they share stories, reflections, and the emotional toll of being on the front lines during such a devastating event.

256: Take a Hike (@TheoVon):

Ari Shaffir and comedian Theo Von embark on a humorous and insightful conversation as they discuss their experiences and adventures while hiking, sharing stories and reflections from their outdoor escapades.

257: Money For Nothing (2 anonymous defense contractors):

Ari Shaffir interviews two anonymous defense contractors, delving into the world of military contracts, the intricacies of their work, and the ethical considerations surrounding the defense industry.

262 Cleavage Day @Gary Vider:

Ari Shaffir is joined by comedian Gary Vider to discuss the light-hearted topic of "Cleavage Day," sharing funny anecdotes and observations about this peculiar holiday.

265: Knife Hits in Alaska (@DanSoder):

"Dan Soder came over to my place to tell me all about the summer he spent working in a cannery in Alaska. The people he worked with were straight deigns without even realizing it. This might be the best summer job of all time."

270: NY Pizza Party (@NotAlexis):

Ari Shaffir and NotAlexis delve into the world of New York pizza, discussing their favorite pizza spots, unique pizza-related experiences, and the cultural significance of this iconic food.

276: "Running" Of The Bulls (@KaiHumphries, @MiloComedy, @Daniel_Sloss):

Ari Shaffir is joined by comedians Kai Humphries, Milo McCabe, and Daniel Sloss as they share their humorous and outrageous stories from participating in the infamous "Running of the Bulls" event in Spain.

277: Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost (@HenryRollins):

Ari Shaffir engages in an enlightening conversation with Henry Rollins, discussing travel, exploration, and the personal growth that can be achieved through wandering and experiencing new places.

281: The Reyk (@AriEldjarn):

Ari Shaffir talks to comedian Ari Eldjarn about his experiences growing up in Reykjavik, Iceland, exploring the culture, customs, and unique aspects of life in this Nordic country.

282: Aunt Flo (@Aiapalucci, @Stollemcache, @AmberSmelson):

Ari Shaffir and comedians Aiapalucci, Stollemcache, and Amber Smelson have a candid and hilarious conversation about the topic of menstruation, sharing funny stories and observations related to "Aunt Flo."

284: #BertIsFat (@BertKreischer):

Ari Shaffir sits down with comedian Bert Kreischer to playfully discuss Bert's weight and share humorous anecdotes about his larger-than-life personality.

288: Death of a Salesman (@TimJDillon):

Ari Shaffir engages in a conversation with comedian Tim Dillon, exploring the world of sales and discussing the challenges, successes, and pitfalls of the profession.

289 Tales of a Teenage Bedwetter w Mark Normand:

Ari Shaffir and comedian Mark Normand share hilarious and embarrassing stories from their teenage years, specifically focusing on the topic of bedwetting.

290 Cave Man with John Spies:

Ari Shaffir talks to John Spies about his experiences living as a cave man in Thailand, discussing the unique lifestyle, survival skills, and insights gained from immersing himself in this primitive way of living.

292: Cleavage Day 2017 with Legion of Skanks:

Ari Shaffir and the Legion of Skanks comedians celebrate Cleavage Day 2017, sharing funny stories and observations related to this playful holiday.

294 Jee Zu Tin Ba De w Ryan Nanni and William Childress:

Ari Shaffir is joined by Ryan Nanni and William Childress as they explore the topic of Chinese food, discussing their favorite dishes, cultural experiences, and humorous encounters related to Chinese cuisine.

298 Vagabonder w Rolf Potts:

Ari Shaffir sits down with travel writer Rolf Potts to discuss the art of vagabonding, exploring the philosophy and practicalities of long-term travel, and the insights gained from embracing a nomadic lifestyle.

320: Take My Wife Please - Aubrey Marcus:

Ari Shaffir has a conversation with Aubrey Marcus about relationships, discussing the challenges and dynamics of being in a committed partnership.

321: Let My People Go:

Ari Shaffir explores the concept of freedom with guests, discussing personal freedoms, societal constraints, and the importance of liberation in various aspects of life.

323: Mitzi:

Ari Shaffir pays tribute to the late Mitzi Shore, discussing her significant impact on the comedy world and sharing stories about her influential role as the owner of The Comedy Store.

347: Hot tub time machine (@BertKreischer, @SteveRannazzisi, @DanishAndOneill, @MarkNorm):

Ari Shaffir, along with Bert Kreischer, Steve Rannazzisi, Danish and Oneill, and Mark Normand, engages in a hilarious and nostalgic conversation about their experiences and misadventures in hot tubs.

353: Modern Hippie (@TFerriss):

Ari Shaffir talks to Tim Ferriss about the modern hippie movement, exploring the pursuit of alternative lifestyles, mindfulness, and self-discovery.

361: Spange (Tall Boy):

Ari Shaffir discusses spanging (spare-changing) and the subculture of panhandling with Tall Boy, shedding light on the experiences and challenges faced by those who engage in this lifestyle.

365: The Revolution w Adbuster Editor in Chief Kalle Lasn:

Ari Shaffir interviews Kalle Lasn, the editor-in-chief of Adbusters magazine, discussing activism, media culture, and the role of counterculture in shaping societal change.

369: The Podfather - Brian Redban:

Ari Shaffir talks to Brian Redban, the co-founder of the Deathsquad podcast network, discussing the evolution of podcasting, its impact on comedy, and Redban's influential role as the "podfather."

370: Troll (Milo Yiannopoulos):

Ari Shaffir interviews Milo Yiannopoulos, discussing the controversial nature of trolling, freedom of speech, and the impact of online personas on society.

372: ‘Roid Range (Mike Cannon):

Ari Shaffir chats with Mike Cannon about his experiences with steroids, exploring the world of performance-enhancing drugs and the physical and psychological effects they can have.

405: War Stories (Jake Hanrahan):

Ari Shaffir and Jake Hanrahan engage in a conversation about war reporting, sharing stories, insights, and the challenges faced by journalists covering conflict zones.

407: Obsessive compulsive with Eli Sears:

Ari Shaffir talks to Eli Sears about his experiences with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), shedding light on the condition, its impact, and the coping mechanisms employed.

408: The Lady With A Giant Hog (Margo Reiss @Margo_A_GoGo):

Ari Shaffir has a candid conversation with Margo Reiss about her experiences as a transgender woman, discussing personal journeys, challenges, and insights into the transgender community.

415: Baby Skeletons w/ Adrienne Iapalucci:

Ari Shaffir chats with Adrienne Iapalucci about dark humor, exploring taboo topics, and the art of finding comedy in sensitive subjects.

438: Six Months Of Hating Men with Annie Lederman:

Ari Shaffir and Annie Lederman discuss dating and relationships, delving into Annie's experiences and perspectives on men as she humorously reflects on her six-month period of hating them.
"and this one"

519: Talk Talk with Ron Bennington

"Ron Bennington joins me on today's episode to talk about interview style and his series Unmasked. Ron is someone whose style of interviewing I've always admired, it seemed fitting to have him on this episode."

I’m smashed right now, drunk as hell, with a shit-full of emotions gyrating about my head. My mind space is a concoction of fear and anger. For the past four hours I’ve drank Vodka and orange juice, Vodka and cranberry juice, and finally, Vodka and grape juice. That’s a load of Screwdrivers, Cosmopolitans, and whatever the hell you call Vodka and grape juice- well, maybe I’ll make up my own name- the Crystal Room. Ok, that’s dumb, but whatever, it’s the Crystal Room that’s on my mind right now.
I had to drank myself sloppy just to have the courage to write down my experience. I hope to get all the details straight and not stray too far from the truth.
In 2001 the wife and I went to New York city. Surprisingly, I loved it, except for my final days there. A southerner in New York. I got the worst asinine advice and general characterizations from my buddies at work. One was, “Hey, don’t stare at anybody on the subway. They don’t like being stared at.” Well, who the hell does. I don’t want to live in a city where the people like being stared at. Creepy, if otherwise.
The people were genuinely nice. I never had any issues with anyone on the subway, but then again, I didn’t just sit there staring at people like they were exotic animals in a zoo.
Next to the last day of our vacation we visited Times Square. I was intrigued by the constant action, the incessant visual and auditory stimuli. There was so much to see and so much to hear. My mind was scattered and unable to focus. There were flashing lights, advertisements, and the constant blur of nameless faces and mindless crowds. I was enjoying it, but also a little overwhelmed. I asked my wife if we could go back to the hotel, but she wasn’t ready to end the day. She assured me that she was quite capable of taking care of herself.
“Honey, just go back to the hotel. I won’t be much longer. I can take care of myself.”
“You sure? I can tough it out.”
“No, go. Please, I’ll be fine.”
I walked to the nearest subway station and rode back to our hotel, which was at the end of the line in Flushing, Queens. When I got to our hotel I slumped down in the bed and immediately fell asleep; I was exhausted. I woke up around three in the morning, the bed empty beside me. I picked up my cell phone and called her but got no answer. There was a text message:
Honey, meet me at the Crystal Rose Room. It’s just down the street from the hotel.
The time on the message was 2:00 am.
I remembered the place. It stood out among all the other crowded storefronts, with a large neon sign of a scantily dressed woman holding a red rose. What was my wife doing at a strip club? She was a regular churchgoer, never missing and always insisting I go with her. Something didn’t seem quite right.
I got dressed and hurried down to the club. I tried to bull my way through but the bouncer pushed me back, shoving his large open palm into my chest.
“No sir. Only invited guests are allowed.”
“I got a text from my wife. She’s inside.”
“What’s her name?”
“Catherine Bressler.”
“Ah, hell yeah, Mr. Bressler. Come on in. We’ve been expecting you.”
The courteous welcome shocked me, considering that a moment before he was ready to stomp me into the ground. In a flash of a moment, I went from being a nuisance to a highly regarded guest of honor. I walked through the front door and into the past. It was an old-fashioned cabaret with the waitresses dressed in flapper beaded dresses and floral headbands. They were all wearing outlandishly large pearl necklaces. There was a pianist playing ragtime music, with a boisterous horn ensemble. The air was thick with cigarette smoke and cheap perfume. My eyes were watering, but I felt eerily comfortable, like this was where I truly belonged.
On the center stage, dressed in a tight, short flapper dress, was my wife Catherine. She was dancing as if in a trance. A man walked up on the stage and started kissing her. My wife seemed to be enjoying it, enjoying it immensely. I ran up to the front of the stage.
“Hey dammit, get your hands off my wife.”
The man stopped, turned his gaze towards me, and smiled. His mouth was full of yellow, jagged teeth, encrusted with a thick layer of plaque. My wife looked at me and smiled, revealing a similar set of teeth, smaller, but no less hideous.
“I could no longer live a lie. I want my old life back and I know you will too,” she said to me.
“Catherine let’s get out of here. This isn’t funny. I don’t like this.”
“But baby, I do.”
Two men grabbed me and dragged me to one of the back rooms. They pointed a gun at me and shoved me in wooden chair. They turned the lights out and walked out of the room. I tried to run and grab the doorknob before they locked it, but I was too late. I heard a mechanical whirling and a pink light overhead was turned on. I couldn’t see where the light was coming from, whether it was a lamp or a fixture in the ceiling. It almost seemed mystical, coming from an unknown source. The room now looked like I was inside a diamond, with a rigid crystalline structure.
There were a thousand reflections of myself walking through the many faces of the crystal, independent of my own motions. They were alive in themselves, more than a mere reflection. One of them called out to me, “It’s time to come back to your true self.” He smiled, with an impressive row of sharp teeth, more immaculate, and more regal than what the groping stranger and my wife had. My reflection stepped out of the crystal and onto the plain hard wood floor, progressing slowly towards me, with his hands raised, the nails of which were long and sharp. The closer he got, the paler his skin grew. He was dressed in a black suit, with a collarless vest, and bowtie. Atop his head was straw boater hat.
He grabbed me by the throat and as his cold rigid hands touched me, I had a vision of a bygone life filled with murder and debauchery. I killed and drank, lapping up the warm, copper-tinged blood of many hapless victims. In my past life I was a monster, a man willing to kill anyone, constantly thirsting for blood, never satisfied.
“You trapped me here, but I knew Catherine could never stay away. I knew the memories would come back, the thrill and the passion of it all would well up in her soul again.”
I fought back, pushing him away, but he lounged back at me, grabbed my wrist, and bit into the side of my hand. I could feel the pressure of his mouth tighten as he sucked in as much blood as he could. His white skin began to fill with color. I punched at his head, knocking his hat to the ground.
“Damn you. That’s a nice hat. Don’t fight. I am who you are and you are me. There’s no escaping.”
I noticed that now there were many different people, or monsters, in the crystals. They were no longer my own reflection. They all looked hideous and weak, trapped in a purgatory by their own better selves.
He lunged at me again, but this time he flew at me head first. I dodged him and as he came closer to the opposite wall of the crystal room, he yelled in exasperation, holding his hand out to avoid hitting his head against the wall. His hand was engulfed by the wall, submerged up to his elbow. He was laying on his stomach.
“No. Pull me out. Don’t do this. Don’t you want to be a god again. The power. The power.”
I knew what I had to do at that point. He had revealed too much. I put my hands on his ass and pushed the rest of his body through the crystalline wall. He appeared on the other side of the crystal wall, banging with his fists, and pleading to let him out.
“You son of a bitch. You’ll be back. You can try to deny what you are, but the thirst and hunger is always there. It might be buried deep, but it’s always there, and soon you’ll miss your… or, should I say our Catherine.”
All around the room were trapped souls, damned vampiric souls, waiting for their better halves to come to their senses and embrace the darkness that was once an innate part of their existence, boldly committing to the passion of murder and gluttony.
They were screeching and hollering for release. I wanted to get out of the room. Visions of who I used to be were displayed across the crystal. I remembered who I was and when I was born. It was over a hundred years ago. I thirsted, I hungered. I killed and destroyed families, mostly preying on the weak and then there she was- Catherine. A murderer fell in love. I couldn’t kill her, even though my stomach felt empty and my hunger was uncontrollable. I bit her, but not to kill, only to bring her into my world to be with me forever. She hated me for that and then I found the Rose Crystal Room. I wanted to give her back a normal existence. A killer felt guilty. We gave up the demons, but at a price. One day, we would have to come back, and once again don the cloak of a murderer, but this time in his service, obeying his every whim. The world needed balance, according to the proprietor of this fair saloon. It needed hunters to weed out the weak. I remembered now. He was known as the Scarlet Shepard.
The door opened.
“You’re not quite ready, but you’ve had your time. I’m not erasing your memory. I’m not giving Catherine back either. You belong to me, but I don’t want it until you’re ready.”
I looked up to see a thin man dressed in a red suit with a long black tie. He was wearing a black tweed cap and a chain with an upside down cross.
His goons grabbed me by the arms and dragged me out of the room and in front of Catherine. There on the stage with her now was a homeless man, dressed in ragged clothes and smelling of liquor. She looked at me, smiled, and buried her teeth in his neck. He struggled but her grasp was too strong. She drank him dry. He collapsed to the floor.
“You made me. You love me and I know one day you’ll come back.”
I was thrown out on the streets, lonely and without my wife. The shadow of my former self still lives. I left New York with new and old memories; some I had hoped would never be discovered again. I drink to forget my sins, but mostly to forget Catherine. I tell myself that I killed her years ago, that she never survived, and that I never really ever loved her, but then again, I told you in the beginning that I didn’t want to stray too far from the truth. The truth is that I would kill a million souls to have her back again

So my parents had me young and after that they split. Anyways , years later I grew up with my mom and stepdad. They had kids and my bio father also kids but he lived in a different state. And growing up I just always felt like the odd one out. All my siblings have both their parents together. And then it’s me the oldest, the odd one out. And I kinda got into with ancestry because of this. Took two dna test and all. My family doesn’t care but for me It’s all I have. Hearing my mom say oh you get that from your father to my brother or you laugh like your dad to my sister and I’m just left out. My mom won’t mention unless it’s bashing him. And don’t get my started on connecting with my bio dad. I tried and reached out. He acts like he cares but his actions say otherwise. He had a chance to see me for the first time and years and made up lies. He post my brothers and sisters saying how proud he is and I’m just looking on his page. I hate it and none of them gets it or understands. I’m grateful for the things I have don’t get me wrong but I’m tired of feeling left out. And I also got fed up with ancestry because why even look for people who never cared to look for me.
And today is my little brothers birthday. We all got dressed up and I don’t feel like a part of the family. My mom has her kids with my stepdad then there’s me. Today she made me feel like shit about my hair ( she can be colorist without even knowing). She says It looks funny and shouldn’t be out for a buffet. But she says that EVERY TIME I have It out. And my hair is legit curly. Plus we’re going to a buffet during a pandemic a hair is the least of peoples concerns ( which won’t happen. But I still feel like shit.
Also buffets make me very uncomfortable because I have ocd so there’s that. But once again I’m even grateful not to even sound stuck up. Because trust me there were times where I had nothing to eat.
Idk I’m just over this feeling and they will never know. Time to go put on my fake smile and be a happy older brother

NARRATOR: (Black screen with text; The sound of buzzing bees can be heard) According to all known laws of aviation, : there is no way a bee should be able to fly. : Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. : The bee, of course, flies anyway : because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. BARRY BENSON: (Barry is picking out a shirt) Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. : Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. JANET BENSON: Barry! Breakfast is ready! BARRY: Coming! : Hang on a second. (Barry uses his antenna like a phone) : Hello? ADAM FLAYMAN:
(Through phone) - Barry? BARRY: - Adam? ADAM: - Can you believe this is happening? BARRY: - I can't. I'll pick you up. (Barry flies down the stairs) : MARTIN BENSON: Looking sharp. JANET: Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. BARRY: Sorry. I'm excited. MARTIN: Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. : A perfect report card, all B's. JANET: Very proud. (Rubs Barry's hair) BARRY= Ma! I got a thing going here. JANET: - You got lint on your fuzz. BARRY: - Ow! That's me!
JANET: - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! (Barry flies out the door) JANET: Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! (Barry drives through the hive,and is waved at by Adam who is reading a newspaper) BARRY== - Hey, Adam. ADAM: - Hey, Barry. (Adam gets in Barry's car) : - Is that fuzz gel? BARRY: - A little. Special day, graduation. ADAM: Never thought I'd make it. (Barry pulls away from the house and continues driving) BARRY: Three days grade school, three days high school... ADAM: Those were awkward. BARRY: Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM== You did come back different. (Barry and Adam pass by Artie, who is jogging) ARTIE: - Hi, Barry!
BARRY: - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. ADAM: - Hear about Frankie? BARRY: - Yeah. ADAM== - You going to the funeral? BARRY: - No, I'm not going to his funeral. : Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. : Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. ADAM: I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. (The car does a barrel roll on the loop-shaped bridge and lands on the highway) : I love this incorporating an amusement park into our regular day. BARRY: I guess that's why they say we don't need vacations. (Barry parallel parks the car and together they fly over the graduating students) Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. (Barry and Adam sit down and put on their hats) : - Well, Adam, today we are men.
ADAM: - We are! BARRY= - Bee-men. =ADAM= - Amen! BARRY AND ADAM: Hallelujah! (Barry and Adam both have a happy spasm) ANNOUNCER: Students, faculty, distinguished bees, : please welcome Dean Buzzwell. DEAN BUZZWELL: Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... : ...9: : That concludes our ceremonies. : And begins your career at Honex Industries! ADAM: Will we pick our job today? (Adam and Barry get into a tour bus) BARRY= I heard it's just orientation. (Tour buses rise out of the ground and the students are automatically loaded into the buses) TOUR GUIDE: Heads up! Here we go.
ANNOUNCER: Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. BARRY: - Wonder what it'll be like? ADAM: - A little scary. TOUR GUIDE== Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco : and a part of the Hexagon Group. Barry: This is it! BARRY AND ADAM: Wow. BARRY: Wow. (The bus drives down a road an on either side are the Bee's massive complicated Honey-making machines) TOUR GUIDE: We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life : to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. : Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. : Our top-secret formula : is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured : into this soothing sweet syrup : with its distinctive golden glow you know as... EVERYONE ON BUS: Honey! (The guide has been collecting honey into a bottle and she throws it into the crowd on the bus and it is caught by a girl in the back) ADAM: - That girl was hot. BARRY: - She's my cousin! ADAM== - She is? BARRY: - Yes, we're all cousins. ADAM: - Right. You're right. TOUR GUIDE: - At Honex, we constantly strive : to improve every aspect of bee existence. : These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. (The bus passes by a Bee wearing a helmet who is being smashed into the ground with fly-swatters, newspapers and boots. He lifts a thumbs up but you can hear him groan) : ADAM==

• What do you think he makes? BARRY:
• Not enough. TOUR GUIDE: Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. (They pass by a turning wheel with Bees standing on pegs, who are each wearing a finger-shaped hat) Barry:
• Wow, What does that do? TOUR GUIDE:
• Catches that little strand of honey : that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ADAM: (Intrigued) Can anyone work on the Krelman? TOUR GUIDE: Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. : But choose carefully : because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. (Everyone claps except for Barry) BARRY: The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. ADAM:

What's the difference? TOUR GUIDE: You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off : in 27 million years. BARRY: (Upset) So you'll just work us to death? : We'll sure try. (Everyone on the bus laughs except Barry. Barry and Adam are walking back home together) ADAM: Wow! That blew my mind! BARRY: "What's the difference?" How can you say that? : One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. ADAM: I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY: But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM: Why would you question anything? We're bees. : We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.
BARRY: You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? ADAM: Like what? Give me one example. (Barry and Adam stop walking and it is revealed to the audience that hundreds of cars are speeding by and narrowly missing them in perfect unison) BARRY: I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. ANNOUNCER: Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY: Wait a second. Check it out. (The Pollen jocks fly in, circle around and landing in line) : - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! ADAM: - Wow. : I've never seen them this close. BARRY: They know what it's like outside the hive. ADAM: Yeah, but some don't come back. GIRL BEES: - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! (The Pollen Jocks hook up their backpacks to machines that pump the nectar to trucks, which drive away)
LOU LO DUVA: You guys did great! : You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! (Punching the Pollen Jocks in joy) I love it! ADAM: - I wonder where they were. BARRY: - I don't know. : Their day's not planned. : Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. : You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. ADAM== Right. (Barry and Adam are covered in some pollen that floated off of the Pollen Jocks) BARRY: Look at that. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. ADAM: It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. BARRY: Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. (Barry waves at 2 girls standing a little away from them)
ADAM== Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? BARRY: Distant. Distant. POLLEN JOCK #1: Look at these two. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Couple of Hive Harrys. POLLEN JOCK #1: - Let's have fun with them. GIRL BEE #1: It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. BARRY: Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! : He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! (Slaps Adam with his hand to represent his scenario) GIRL BEE #2: - Oh, my! BARRY: - I never thought I'd knock him out. GIRL BEE #1: (Looking at Adam) What were you doing during this? ADAM: Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. BARRY: I can autograph that.
(The pollen jocks walk up to Barry and Adam, they pretend that Barry and Adam really are pollen jocks.) POLLEN JOCK #1: A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? BARRY: Yeah. Gusty. POLLEN JOCK #1: We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY: - Six miles, huh? ADAM: - Barry! POLLEN JOCK #2: A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. BARRY: - Maybe I am. ADAM: - You are not! POLLEN JOCK #1: We're going 0900 at J-Gate. : What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY: I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. (The scene cuts to Barry looking out on the hive-city from his balcony at night) MARTIN:
Hey, Honex! BARRY: Dad, you surprised me. MARTIN: You decide what you're interested in? BARRY: - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. : Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN: Son, let me tell you about stirring. : You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. : You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. BARRY: You know, Dad, the more I think about it, : maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. MARTIN: You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? : That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. :
Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! JANET: - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY: - I'm not trying to be funny. MARTIN: You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! JANET: - You're gonna be a stirrer? BARRY: - No one's listening to me! MARTIN: Wait till you see the sticks I have. BARRY: I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! (Barry's parents don't listen to him and continue to ramble on) MARTIN: Let's open some honey and celebrate! BARRY: Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. : Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! JANET: I'm so proud. (The scene cuts to Barry and Adam waiting in line to get a job) ADAM: - We're starting work today!
BARRY: - Today's the day. ADAM: Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY: Yeah, right. JOB LISTER: Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Is it still available? JOB LISTER: - Hang on. Two left! : One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. ADAM: - What'd you get? BEE IN FRONT OF LINE: - Picking crud out. Stellar! (He walks away) ADAM: Wow! JOB LISTER: Couple of newbies? ADAM: Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! JOB LISTER: Make your choice. (Adam and Barry look up at the job board. There are hundreds of constantly changing panels that contain available or unavailable jobs. It looks very confusing)
ADAM: - You want to go first? BARRY: - No, you go. ADAM: Oh, my. What's available? JOB LISTER: Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. ADAM: - Any chance of getting the Krelman? JOB LISTER: - Sure, you're on. (Puts the Krelman finger-hat on Adam's head) (Suddenly the sign for Krelman closes out) : I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. (Takes Adam's hat off) Wax monkey's always open. ADAM: The Krelman opened up again. : What happened? JOB LISTER: A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. : Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. : Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!
ADAM: Oh, this is so hard! (Barry remembers what the Pollen Jock offered him and he flies off) Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, : humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, : mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? (Adam turns around and sees Barry flying away) : Barry! POLLEN JOCK: All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... ADAM: (Through phone) What happened to you? Where are you? BARRY: - I'm going out. ADAM: - Out? Out where? BARRY: - Out there. ADAM: - Oh, no! BARRY: I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM:
You're gonna die! You're crazy! (Barry hangs up) Hello? POLLEN JOCK #2: Another call coming in. : If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd : that gets their roses today. BARRY: Hey, guys. POLLEN JOCK #1 == - Look at that. POLLEN JOCK #2: - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LO DUVA: Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. POLLEN JOCK #1: It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. (Puts hand on Barry's shoulder) LOU LO DUVA: (To Barry) Really? Feeling lucky, are you? BEE WITH CLIPBOARD: (To Barry) Sign here, here. Just initial that. : - Thank you. LOU LO DUVA: - OK. : You got a rain advisory today, :
and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. : So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, : hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. : Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. : Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! BARRY: - That's awful. LOU LO DUVA: (Still talking through megaphone) - And a reminder for you rookies, : bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! : All right, launch positions! POLLEN JOCKS: (The Pollen Jocks run into formation) : Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! LOU LU DUVA: Black and yellow! POLLEN JOCKS:
Hello! POLLEN JOCK #1: (To Barry)You ready for this, hot shot? BARRY: Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. POLLEN JOCK's: Wind, check. : - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. : - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. BARRY: Scared out of my shorts, check. LOU LO DUVA: OK, ladies, : let's move it out! : Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! : All of you, drain those flowers! (The pollen jocks fly out of the hive) BARRY: Wow! I'm out! : I can't believe I'm out! : So blue.
: I feel so fast and free! : Box kite! (Barry flies through the kite) : Wow! : Flowers! (A pollen jock puts on some high tech goggles that shows flowers similar to heat sink goggles.) POLLEN JOCK: This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. : Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. : Roses! POLLEN JOCK #1: 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. : Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. (The pollen jock fires a high-tech gun at the flower, shooting tubes that suck up the nectar from the flower and collects it into a pouch on the gun) BARRY: That is one nectar collector! POLLEN JOCK #1== - Ever see pollination up close? BARRY: - No, sir. POLLEN JOCK #1:
(Barry and the Pollen jock fly over the field, the pollen jock sprinkles pollen as he goes) : I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, : a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. BARRY: That's amazing. Why do we do that? POLLEN JOCK #1: That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY: Cool. POLLEN JOCK #1: I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. could be daisies. Don't we need those? POLLEN JOCK #2: Copy that visual. : Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. POLLEN JOCK #1: Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? POLLEN JOCK #2: Affirmative. (The Pollen jocks land near the "flowers" which, to the audience are obviously just tennis balls) KEN: (In the distance) That was on the line!
POLLEN JOCK #1: This is the coolest. What is it? POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't know, but I'm loving this color. : It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. POLLEN JOCK #1: Yeah, fuzzy. (Sticks his hand on the ball but it gets stuck) POLLEN JOCK #3== Chemical-y. (The pollen jock finally gets his hand free from the tennis ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. (The pollen jocks turn around and see Barry lying his entire body on top of one of the tennis balls) POLLEN JOCK #2: My sweet lord of bees! POLLEN JOCK #3: Candy-brain, get off there! POLLEN JOCK #1: (Pointing upwards) Problem! (A human hand reaches down and grabs the tennis ball that Barry is stuck to) BARRY: - Guys! POLLEN JOCK #2: - This could be bad. POLLEN JOCK #3: Affirmative. (Vanessa Bloome starts bouncing the tennis ball, not knowing Barry is stick to it)
BARRY== Very close. : Gonna hurt. : Mama's little boy. (Barry is being hit back and forth by two humans playing tennis. He is still stuck to the ball) POLLEN JOCK #1: You are way out of position, rookie! KEN: Coming in at you like a MISSILE! (Barry flies past the pollen jocks, still stuck to the ball) BARRY: (In slow motion) Help me! POLLEN JOCK #2: I don't think these are flowers. POLLEN JOCK #3: - Should we tell him? POLLEN JOCK #1: - I think he knows. BARRY: What is this?! KEN: Match point! : You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to EAT IT! (A pollen jock coughs which confused Ken and he hits the ball the wrong way with Barry stuck to it and it goes flying into the city) BARRY:
Yowser! (Barry bounces around town and gets stuck in the engine of a car. He flies into the air conditioner and sees a bug that was frozen in there) BARRY: Ew, gross. (The man driving the car turns on the air conditioner which blows Barry into the car) GIRL IN CAR: There's a bee in the car! : - Do something! DAD DRIVING CAR: - I'm driving! BABY GIRL: (Waving at Barry) - Hi, bee. (Barry smiles and waves at the baby girl) GUY IN BACK OF CAR: - He's back here! : He's going to sting me! GIRL IN CAR: Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! (Barry freezes as well, hovering in the middle of the car) : GRANDMA IN CAR== He blinked! (The grandma whips out some bee-spray and sprays everywhere in the car, climbing into the front seat, still trying to spray Barry) GIRL IN CAR: Spray him, Granny! DAD DRIVING THE CAR: What are you doing?! (Barry escapes the car through the air conditioner and is flying high above
the ground, safe.) BARRY: Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. (Barry sees that storm clouds are gathering and he can see rain clouds moving into this direction) : I gotta get home. : Can't fly in rain. : Can't fly in rain. (A rain drop hits Barry and one of his wings is damaged) : Can't fly in rain. (A second rain drop hits Barry again and he spirals downwards) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! (WW2 plane sound effects are played as he plummets, and he crash-lands on a plant inside an apartment near the window) VANESSA BLOOME: Ken, could you close the window please? KEN== Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. : You see? (Folds brochure resume out) Folds out. (Ken closes the window, trapping Barry inside) BARRY: Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. (Barry tries to fly away but smashes into the window and falls again) : What was that?
(Barry keeps trying to fly out the window but he keeps being knocked back because the window is closed) Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... : Drapes! (Barry taps the glass. He doesn't understand what it is) That is diabolical. KEN: It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. ANDY: What's number one? Star Wars? KEN: Nah, I don't go for that... (Ken makes finger guns and makes "pew pew pew" sounds and then stops) : ...kind of stuff. BARRY: No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. KEN: When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. BARRY: (Looking at the light on the ceiling) There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. (Starts flying towards the lightbulb) : I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. (Barry hits the lightbulb and falls into the dip on the table that the humans are sitting at) KEN:
I predicted global warming. : I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. (Andy dips a chip into the bowl and scoops up some dip with Barry on it and is about to put it in his mouth) : Wait! Stop! Bee! (Andy drops the chip with Barry in fear and backs away. All the humans freak out) : Stand back. These are winter boots. (Ken has winter boots on his hands and he is about to smash the bee but Vanessa saves him last second) VANESSA: Wait! : Don't kill him! (Vanessa puts Barry in a glass to protect him) KEN: You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! VANESSA: Why does his life have less value than yours? KEN: Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA: I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. (Vanessa picks up Ken's brochure and puts it under the glass so she can carry Barry back to the window. Barry looks at Vanessa in amazement) KEN:
My brochure! VANESSA: There you go, little guy. (Vanessa opens the window and lets Barry out but Barry stays back and is still shocked that a human saved his life) KEN: I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. VANESSA: Put that on your resume brochure. KEN: My whole face could puff up. ANDY: Make it one of your special skills. KEN: Knocking someone out is also a special skill. (Ken walks to the door) Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. : - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA: - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. : (Vanessa tries to close door) KEN== - You could put carob chips on there. VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door but Ken opens it again) KEN: - Supposed to be less calories.
VANESSA: - Bye. (Closes door) (Fast forward to the next day, Barry is still inside the house. He flies into the kitchen where Vanessa is doing dishes) BARRY== (Talking to himself) I gotta say something. : She saved my life. I gotta say something. : All right, here it goes. (Turns back) Nah. : What would I say? : I could really get in trouble. : It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. : I can't believe I'm doing this. : I've got to. (Barry disguises himself as a character on a food can as Vanessa walks by again) : Oh, I can't do it. Come on! : No. Yes. No. : Do it. I can't.
: How should I start it? (Barry strikes a pose and wiggles his eyebrows) "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. (Vanessa is about to walk past Barry) Here she comes! Speak, you fool! : ...Hi! (Vanessa gasps and drops the dishes in fright and notices Barry on the counter) : I'm sorry. VANESSA: - You're talking. BARRY: - Yes, I know. VANESSA: (Pointing at Barry) You're talking! BARRY: I'm so sorry. VANESSA: No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. : But I don't recall going to bed. BARRY: Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA: This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!
BARRY: I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, (Pointing to the living room where Ken tried to kill him last night) but they were all trying to kill me. : And if it wasn't for you... : I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. (Vanessa stabs her hand with a fork to test whether she's dreaming or not) : That was a little weird. VANESSA: - I'm talking with a bee. BARRY: - Yeah. VANESSA: I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! BARRY: I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. (Barry turns to leave) VANESSA: - Wait! How did you learn to do that? BARRY: (Flying back) - What? VANESSA: The talking...thing. BARRY:
Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. VANESSA: - That's very funny. BARRY: - Yeah. : Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. : Anyway... VANESSA: Can I... : ...get you something? BARRY: - Like what? VANESSA: I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? BARRY: I don't want to put you out. VANESSA: It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. : - It's just coffee. BARRY: - I hate to impose. (Vanessa starts making coffee) VANESSA: - Don't be ridiculous!
BARRY: - Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA: Hey, you want rum cake? BARRY: - I shouldn't. VANESSA: - Have some. BARRY: - No, I can't. VANESSA: - Come on! BARRY: I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. VANESSA: - Where? BARRY: - These stripes don't help. VANESSA: You look great! BARRY: I don't know if you know anything about fashion. : Are you all right? VANESSA: (Pouring coffee on the floor and missing the cup completely) No. (Flash forward in time. Barry and Vanessa are sitting together at a table on top of the apartment building drinking coffee)
: BARRY== He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. : He finally gets there. : He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. : And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. : Why would I marry a watermelon?" (Barry laughs but Vanessa looks confused) VANESSA: Is that a bee joke? BARRY: That's the kind of stuff we do. VANESSA: Yeah, different. : So, what are you gonna do, Barry? (Barry stands on top of a sugar cube floating in his coffee and paddles it around with a straw like it's a gondola) BARRY: About work? I don't know. : I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. VANESSA: I know how you feel.
BARRY: - You do? VANESSA: - Sure. : My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY: - Really? VANESSA: - My only interest is flowers. BARRY: Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. : Anyway, if you look... (Barry points to a tree in the middle of Central Park) : There's my hive right there. See it? VANESSA: You're in Sheep Meadow! BARRY: Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! VANESSA: No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. BARRY: - Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA: - Why not? BARRY:

• It's like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA:
• Maybe I'll try that. (A custodian installing a lightbulb looks over at them but to his perspective it looks like Vanessa is talking to a cup of coffee on the table) CUSTODIAN:
• You all right, ma'am? VANESSA:
• Oh, yeah. Fine. : Just having two cups of coffee! BARRY: Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. VANESSA== Yeah, it's no trouble. BARRY: Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. (Barry points towards the rum cake) : Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA: Sure! Here, have a crumb. (Vanessa hands Barry a crumb but it is still pretty big for Barry) BARRY:
• Thanks! VANESSA:
• Yeah. BARRY: All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.
  : Or not. VANESSA: OK, Barry... BARRY: And thank you so much again... for before. VANESSA: Oh, that? That was nothing. BARRY: Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... (Vanessa and Barry hold hands, but Vanessa has to hold out a finger because her hands is to big and Barry holds that) (The custodian looks over again and it appears Vanessa is laughing at her coffee again. The lightbulb that he was screwing in sparks and he falls off the ladder) (Fast forward in time and we see two Bee Scientists testing out a parachute in a Honex wind tunnel) BEE SCIENTIST #1: This can't possibly work. BEE SCIENTIST #2: He's all set to go. We may as well try it. : OK, Dave, pull the chute. (Dave pulls the chute and the wind slams him against the wall and he falls on his face.The camera pans over and we see Barry and Adam walking together) ADAM:
  
• Sounds amazing. BARRY:
  
• It was amazing! : It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.
  

ADAM: Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! : Giant, scary humans! What were they like? BARRY: Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. : They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. ADAM: - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? BARRY: - Some of them. But some of them don't. ADAM: - How'd you get back? BARRY: - Poodle. ADAM: You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. : You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. BARRY: - Well... ADAM: - Well? BARRY: Well, I met someone.
ADAM: You did? Was she Bee-ish? : - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! BARRY: - No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM: - Spider? BARRY: - I'm not attracted to spiders. : I know, for everyone else, it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. : I can't get by that face. ADAM: So who is she? BARRY: She's... human. ADAM: No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. BARRY: - Her name's Vanessa. (Adam puts his head in his hands) ADAM: - Oh, boy. BARRY== She's so nice. And she's a florist! ADAM: Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
BARRY: We're not dating. ADAM: You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes : with power washers and M-80s! That's one-eighth a stick of dynamite! BARRY: She saved my life! And she understands me. ADAM: This is over! BARRY: Eat this. (Barry gives Adam a piece of the crumb that he got from Vanessa. Adam eats it) ADAM: (Adam's tone changes) This is not over! What was that? BARRY: - They call it a crumb. ADAM: - It was so stingin' stripey! BARRY: And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! : - You know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM: - No. (Adam opens a door behind him and he pulls Barry in)
BARRY: It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. ADAM: Be quiet! BARRY: They heat it up... ADAM: Sit down! (Adam forces Barry to sit down) BARRY: (Still rambling about Cinnabons) ...really hot! (Adam grabs Barry by the shoulders) ADAM: - Listen to me! : We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! BARRY== Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? ADAM: There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! : You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! BARRY: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEE: - Thinking bee. WORKER BEES AND ADAM: Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! (Flash forward in time; Barry is laying on a raft in a pool full of honey. He is wearing sunglasses) JANET: There he is. He's in the pool. MARTIN: You know what your problem is, Barry? (Barry pulls down his sunglasses and he looks annoyed) BARRY: (Sarcastic) I gotta start thinking bee? JANET: How much longer will this go on? MARTIN: It's been three days! Why aren't you working? (Puts sunglasses back on) BARRY: I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. MARTIN: What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! JANET: Would it kill you to make a little honey? (Barry rolls off the raft and sinks into the honey pool) : Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. : Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN:
Barry, I'm talking to you! (Barry keeps sinking into the honey until he is suddenly in Central Park having a picnic with Vanessa) (Barry has a cup of honey and he clinks his glass with Vanessas. Suddenly a mosquito lands on Vanessa and she slaps it, killing it. They both gasp but then burst out laughing) VANESSA: You coming? (The camera pans over and Vanessa is climbing into a small yellow airplane) BARRY: Got everything? VANESSA: All set! BARRY: Go ahead. I'll catch up. (Vanessa lifts off and flies ahead) VANESSA: Don't be too long. (Barry catches up with Vanessa and he sticks out his arms like ana irplane. He rolls from side to side, and Vanessa copies him with the airplane) VANESSA: Watch this! (Barry stays back and watches as Vanessa draws a heart in the air using pink smoke from the plane, but on the last loop-the-loop she suddenly crashes into a mountain and the plane explodes. The destroyed plane falls into some rocks and explodes a second time) BARRY: Vanessa! (As Barry is yelling his mouth fills with honey and he wakes up, discovering that he was just day dreaming. He slowly sinks back into the honey pool) MARTIN: - We're still here.
JANET: - I told you not to yell at him. : He doesn't respond to yelling! MARTIN: - Then why yell at me? JANET: - Because you don't listen! MARTIN: I'm not listening to this. BARRY: Sorry, I've gotta go. MARTIN: - Where are you going? BARRY: - I'm meeting a friend. JANET: A girl? Is this why you can't decide? BARRY: Bye. (Barry flies out the door and Martin shakes his head) : JANET== I just hope she's Bee-ish. (Fast forward in time and Barry is sitting on Vanessa's shoulder and she is closing up her shop) BARRY: They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA: To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!
: Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY: A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? VANESSA: No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? BARRY: It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. VANESSA: Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. BARRY: TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! VANESSA: You don't have that? BARRY: We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA: Oh, my. (A human walks by and Barry narrowly avoids him) PASSERBY: Dumb bees! VANESSA: You must want to sting all those jerks. BARRY: We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us. VANESSA: So you have to watch your temper (They walk into a store) BARRY: Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, : write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: : Anger, jealousy, lust. (Suddenly an employee(Hector) hits Barry off of Vanessa's shoulder. Hector thinks he's saving Vanessa) VANESSA: (To Barry) Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? (Barry is getting up off the floor) BARRY: Yeah. VANESSA: (To Hector) - What is wrong with you?! HECTOR: (Confused) - It's a bug. VANESSA: He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! (Vanessa hits Hector across the face with the magazine he had and then hits him in the head. Hector backs away covering his head) Barry: What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? (Vanessa sets Barry back on her shoulder)
VANESSA: Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY: It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. VANESSA: You've really got that down to a science. BARRY: - Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA: - I'll bet. (Barry looks to his right and notices there is honey for sale in the aisle) BARRY: What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? (Barry looks at all the brands of honey, shocked) How did this get here? Cute Bee, Golden Blossom, : Ray Liotta Private Select? (Barry puts his hands up and slowly turns around, a look of disgust on his face) VANESSA: - Is he that actor? BARRY: - I never heard of him. : - Why is this here? VANESSA: - For people. We eat it. BARRY:
You don't have enough food of your own?! (Hector looks back and notices that Vanessa is talking to Barry) VANESSA: - Well, yes. BARRY: - How do you get it? VANESSA: - Bees make it. BARRY: - I know who makes it! : And it's hard to make it! : There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! VANESSA: - It's organic. BARRY: - It's our-ganic! VANESSA: It's just honey, Barry. BARRY: Just what?! : Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! : You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! :
And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. : I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! (Flash forward in time; Barry paints his face with black strikes like a soldier and sneaks into the storage section of the store) (Two men, including Hector, are loading boxes into some trucks) : SUPERMARKET EMPLOYEE== Hey, Hector. : - You almost done? HECTOR: - Almost. (Barry takes a step to peak around the corner) (Whispering) He is here. I sense it. : Well, I guess I'll go home now (Hector pretends to walk away by walking in place and speaking loudly) : and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. BARRY: You're busted, box boy! HECTOR: I knew I heard something! So you can talk! BARRY: I can talk. And now you'll start talking! : Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier? HECTOR: I don't understand. I thought we were friends. : The last thing we want to do is upset bees! (Hector takes a thumbtack out of the board behind him and sword-fights Barry. Barry is using his stinger like a sword) : You're too late! It's ours now! BARRY: You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! HECTOR: You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! (Barry hits the thumbtack out of Hectors hand and Hector surrenders) Barry: Where is the honey coming from? : Tell me where! HECTOR: (Pointing to leaving truck) Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! (Barry chases after the truck but it is getting away. He flies onto a bicyclists' backpack and he catches up to the truck) CAR DRIVER: (To bicyclist) Crazy person! (Barry flies off and lands on the windshield of the Honey farms truck. Barry looks around and sees dead bugs splattered everywhere) BARRY: What horrible thing has happened here?
: These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now : they're on the road to nowhere! (Barry hears a sudden whisper) (Barry looks up and sees Mooseblood, a mosquito playing dead) MOOSEBLOOD: Just keep still. BARRY: What? You're not dead? MOOSEBLOOD: Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? BARRY: To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD: I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! ANOTHER BUG PLAYING DEAD: I'm going to Tacoma. (Barry looks at another bug) BARRY: - And you? MOOSEBLOOD: - He really is dead. BARRY: All right. (Another bug hits the windshield and the drivers notice. They activate the windshield wipers) MOOSEBLOOD== Uh-oh! (The windshield wipers are slowly sliding over the dead bugs and wiping
them off) BARRY: - What is that?! MOOSEBLOOD: - Oh, no! : - A wiper! Triple blade! BARRY: - Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD: Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! (Mooseblood and Barry grab onto the wiper and they hold on as it wipes the windshield) Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! : How much do you people need to see?! (Bangs on windshield) : Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! RADIO IN TRUCK: From NPR News in Washington, I'm Carl Kasell. MOOSEBLOOD: But don't kill no more bugs! (Mooseblood and Barry are washed off by the wipr fluid) MOOSEBLOOD: - Bee! BARRY: - Moose blood guy!! (Barry starts screaming as he hangs onto the antenna) (Suddenly it is revealed that a water bug is also hanging on the antenna.
There is a pause and then Barry and the water bug both start screaming) TRUCK DRIVER: - You hear something? GUY IN TRUCK: - Like what? TRUCK DRIVER: Like tiny screaming. GUY IN TRUCK: Turn off the radio. (The antenna starts to lower until it gets to low and sinks into the truck. The water bug flies off and Barry is forced to let go and he is blown away. He luckily lands inside a horn on top of the truck where he finds Mooseblood, who was blown into the same place) MOOSEBLOOD: Whassup, bee boy? BARRY: Hey, Blood. (Fast forward in time and we see that Barry is deep in conversation with Mooseblood. They have been sitting in this truck for a while) BARRY: ...Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD: Wow! BARRY: I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. : I mean, that honey's ours. MOOSEBLOOD: - Bees hang tight. BARRY:

• We're all jammed in. : It's a close community. MOOSEBLOOD: Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. BARRY:
• What if you get in trouble? MOOSEBLOOD:
• You a mosquito, you in trouble. : Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! BARRY: At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. MOOSEBLOOD: Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. : Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. (An ambulance passes by and it has a blood donation sign on it) You got to be kidding me! : Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! (Mooseblood leaves and flies onto the window of the ambulance where there are other mosquito's hanging out) :
• Hey, guys! OTHER MOSQUITO:
• Mooseblood!

MOOSEBLOOD: I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? (The truck goes out of view and Barry notices that the truck he's on is pulling into a camp of some sort) TRUCK DRIVER: We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. (Barry flies out) BARRY: What is this place? BEEKEEPER 1#: A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. BEEKEEPER #2: They are pinheads! : Pinhead. : - Check out the new smoker. BEEKEEPER #1: - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. : The Thomas 3000! BARRY: Smoker? BEEKEEPER #1: Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. : A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.
BEEKEEPER #2: They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY: "They make the honey, and we make the money"? (The Beekeeper sprays hundreds of cheap miniature apartments with the smoker. The bees are fainting or passing out) Oh, my! : What's going on? Are you OK? (Barry flies into one of the apartment and helps a Bee couple get off the ground. They are coughing and its hard for them to stand) BEE IN APARTMENT: Yeah. It doesn't last too long. BARRY: Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? BEE IN APPARTMENT: Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. (The apartment room is completely empty except for a photo on the wall of the "queen" who is obviously a man in women's clothes) BARRY: This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! : That's a drag queen! : What is this? (Barry flies out and he discovers that there are hundreds of these structures, each housing thousands of Bees) Oh, no! : There's hundreds of them! (Barry takes out his camera and takes pictures of these Bee work camps. The beekeepers look very evil in these depictions)
Bee honey. : Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! : This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. (Flash forward in time and Barry is showing these pictures to his parents) JANET: Oh, Barry, stop. MARTIN: Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. BARRY: Do these look like rumors? (Holds up the pictures) UNCLE CARL: That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET: How did you get mixed up in this? ADAM: He's been talking to humans. JANET: - What? MARTIN: - Talking to humans?! ADAM: He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! JANET: Make out? Barry!
BARRY: We do not. ADAM: - You wish you could. MARTIN: - Whose side are you on? BARRY: The bees! UNCLE CARL: (He has been sitting in the back of the room this entire time) I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. JANET: Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY: I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! : Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked : your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. JANET: I remember that. BARRY: What right do they have to our honey? : We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
ADAM: Even if it's true, what can one bee do? BARRY: Sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN: In the face! The eye! : - That would hurt. BARRY: - No. MARTIN: Up the nose? That's a killer. BARRY: There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. (Flash forward a bit in time and we are watching the Bee News) BEE NEWS NARRATOR: Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. BEE PROTESTOR: No more bee beards! BEE NEWS NARRATOR: With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. : Weather with Storm Stinger. : Sports with Buzz Larvi. : And Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG:

• And I'm Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE: A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, : intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, : packaging it and profiting from it illegally! JEANETTE CHUNG: Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, : we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, : Classy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. (The scene changes to an interview on the news with Bee version of Larry King and Barry) BEE LARRY KING: Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. : Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? BARRY: Bees have never been afraid to change the world. : What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? BEE LARRY KING: Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
  : We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. BARRY: How old are you? BEE LARRY KING: The bee community is supporting you in this case, : which will be the trial of the bee century. BARRY: You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. BEE LARRY KING: It's a common name. Next week... BARRY: He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... BEE LARRY KING: Next week... BARRY: Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. BEE LARRY KING: Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here, live. (Bee Larry King gets annoyed and flies away offscreen) BARRY: Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. (Flash forward in time. We see Vanessa enter and Ken enters behind her. They are arguing)
  

KEN: In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! VANESSA: It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. KEN== Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? BARRY: (To Ken) Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. KEN: (Pointing at Barry) - Is that that same bee? VANESSA: - Yes, it is! : I'm helping him sue the human race. BARRY: - Hello. KEN: - Hello, bee. VANESSA: This is Ken. BARRY: (Recalling the "Winter Boots" incident earlier) Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. KEN: (To Vanessa) Why does he talk again? VANESSA:
Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. KEN: But it's our yogurt night! VANESSA: (Holding door open for Ken) Bye-bye. KEN: (Yelling) Why is yogurt night so difficult?! (Ken leaves and Vanessa walks over to Barry. His workplace is a mess) VANESSA: You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! BARRY: Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ADAM: - Frosting... - How many sugars? ==BARRY== Just one. I try not to use the competition. : So why are you helping me? VANESSA: Bees have good qualities. : And it takes my mind off the shop. : Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY:
Those are great, if you're three. VANESSA: And artificial flowers. BARRY: - Oh, those just get me psychotic! VANESSA: - Yeah, me too. : BARRY: Bent stingers, pointless pollination. ADAM: Bees must hate those fake things! : Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. : Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. VANESSA: - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. BARRY: - I guess. ADAM: You sure you want to go through with it? BARRY: Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able : to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! (Flash forward in time and we are watching the human news. The camera shows
a crowd outside a courthouse) NEWS REPORTER: It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, : where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, : we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. (We are no longer watching through a news camera) ADAM: What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY: It's pretty big, isn't it? ADAM== (Looking at the hundreds of people around the courthouse) I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. BARRY: You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? SECURITY GUARD: Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. (A limousine drives up and a fat man,Layton Montgomery, a honey industry owner gets out and walks past Barry) ADAM: - What's the matter? BARRY: - I don't know, I just got a chill. (Fast forward in time and everyone is in the court) MONTGOMERY: Well, if it isn't the bee team.
(To Honey Industry lawyers) You boys work on this? MAN: All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE BUMBLETON: All right. Case number 4475, : Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry : is now in session. : Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? MONTGOMERY: A privilege. JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? (Everyone looks closely, they are waiting to see if a Bee can really talk) (Barry makes several buzzing sounds to sound like a Bee) BARRY: I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. JUDGE BUMBLBETON: Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. MONTGOMERY: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, : my grandmother was a simple woman. :
Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right : to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. : If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, : just think of what would it mean. : I would have to negotiate with the silkworm : for the elastic in my britches! : Talking bee! (Montgomery walks over and looks closely at Barry) : How do we know this isn't some sort of : holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? : They could be using laser beams! : Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, : he could be on steroids! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Benson?
BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. : I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. : It's important to all bees. We invented it! : We make it. And we protect it with our lives. : Unfortunately, there are some people in this room : who think they can take it from us : 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, : you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have : but everything we are! JANET== (To Martin) I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Call your first witness. BARRY: So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have. KLAUSS VANDERHAYDEN: I suppose so. BARRY: I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! KLAUSS: Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY: Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. : I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? KLAUSS: (Quietly) - No. BARRY: - I couldn't hear you. KLAUSS: - No. BARRY: - No. : Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, : it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. KLAUSS: They're very lovable creatures.
: Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. BARRY: You mean like this? (The bear from Over The Hedge barges in through the back door and it is roaring and standing on its hind legs. It is thrashing its claws and people are screaming. It is being held back by a guard who has the bear on a chain) : (Pointing to the roaring bear) Bears kill bees! : How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! : Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! JUDGE BUMBLETON: OK, that's enough. Take him away. (The bear stops roaring and thrashing and walks out) BARRY: So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. : - Where have I heard it before? MR. STING: - I was with a band called The Police. BARRY: But you've never been a police officer, have you? STING: No, I haven't. BARRY:
No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example : of bee culture casually stolen by a human : for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING: Oh, please. BARRY: Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? : Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. : Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! MONTGOMERY: That's not his real name?! You idiots! BARRY: Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on : your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. RAY LIOTTA: Thank you. Thank you. BARRY: I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome : with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow. RAY LIOTTA: I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? BARRY: Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? : Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't : have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? RAY LIOTTA: Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! BARRY: This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! (Ray Liotta looses it and tries to grab Barry) RAY LIOTTA: Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! JUDGE BUMBLETON: - Order in this court! RAY LIOTTA: - You're all thinking it! (Judge Bumbleton starts banging her gavel) JUDGE BUMBLETON: Order! Order, I say! RAY LIOTTA: - Say it! MAN:

• Mr. Liotta, please sit down! (We see a montage of magazines which feature the court case) (Flash forward in time and Barry is back home with Vanessa) BARRY: I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. VANESSA: I think the jury's on our side. BARRY: Are we doing everything right,you know, legally? VANESSA: I'm a florist. BARRY: Right. Well, here's to a great team. VANESSA: To a great team! (Ken walks in from work. He sees Barry and he looks upset when he sees Barry clinking his glass with Vanessa) KEN: Well, hello. VANESSA:
• Oh, Ken! BARRY:
• Hello! VANESSA: I didn't think you were coming. : No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... (Ken holds up his phone and flips it open. The phone has no charge) ...the battery... VANESSA:

I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. KEN: Oh, that was lucky. (Ken sits down at the table across from Barry and Vanessa leaves the room) VANESSA: There's a little left. I could heat it up. KEN: (Not taking his eyes off Barry) Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. BARRY: So I hear you're quite a tennis player. : I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. KEN: That's where I usually sit. Right... (Points to where Barry is sitting) there. VANESSA: (Calling from other room) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, : and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. KEN: (To Barry) You think I don't see what you're doing? BARRY: I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common.
KEN: Do we? BARRY: Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN: (Menacingly) That's just what I was thinking about doing. (Ken reaches for a fork on the table but knocks if on the floor. He goes to pick it up) VANESSA: Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. (Ken quickly rises back up after hearing this but hits his head on the table and yells) BARRY: I'm going to drain the old stinger. KEN: Yeah, you do that. (Barry flies past Ken to get to the bathroom and Ken freaks out, splashing some of the wine he was using to cool his head in his eyes. He yells in anger) (Barry looks at the magazines featuring his victories in court) BARRY: Look at that. (Barry flies into the bathroom) (He puts his hand on his head but this makes hurts him and makes him even madder. He yells again) (Barry is washing his hands in the sink but then Ken walks in) KEN: You know, you know I've just about had it (Closes bathroom door behind him) with your little mind games. (Ken is menacingly rolling up a magazine) BARRY:
(Backing away) - What's that? KEN: - Italian Vogue. BARRY: Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. KEN: It's a lot of ads. BARRY: Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? KEN: That's funny, I just can't seem to recall that! (Ken smashes everything off the sink with the magazine and Barry narrowly escapes) (Ken follows Barry around and tries to hit him with the magazine but he keeps missing) (Ken gets a spray bottle) : I think something stinks in here! BARRY: (Enjoying the spray) I love the smell of flowers. (Ken holds a lighter in front of the spray bottle) KEN: How do you like the smell of flames?! BARRY: Not as much. (Ken fires his make-shift flamethrower but misses Barry, burning the bathroom. He torches the whole room but looses his footing and falls into the bathtub. After getting hit in the head by falling objects 3 times he picks up the shower head, revealing a Water bug hiding under it) WATER BUG: Water bug! Not taking sides!
(Barry gets up out of a pile of bathroom supplies and he is wearing a chapstick hat) BARRY: Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! (Ken switches the shower head to lethal) KEN: I've got issues! (Ken sprays Barry with the shower head and he crash lands into the toilet) (Ken menacingly looks down into the toilet at Barry) Well, well, well, a royal flush! BARRY: - You're bluffing. KEN: - Am I? (flushes toilet) (Barry grabs a chapstick from the toilet seat and uses it to surf in the flushing toilet) BARRY: Surf's up, dude! (Barry flies out of the toilet on the chapstick and sprays Ken's face with the toilet water) : EW,Poo water! BARRY: That bowl is gnarly. KEN: (Aiming a toilet cleaner at Barry) Except for those dirty yellow rings! (Barry cowers and covers his head and Vanessa runs in and takes the toilet cleaner from Ken just before he hits Barry) VANESSA: Kenneth! What are you doing?! KEN== (Leaning towards Barry)
You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! VANESSA: We need to talk! (Vanessa pulls Ken out of the bathroom) : He's just a little bee! : And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! KEN: Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA: No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! KEN: Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... : My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! VANESSA: Goodbye, Ken. (Ken huffs and walks out and slams the door. But suddenly he walks back in and stares at Barry) : And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners MADE BY MAN! (Ken leaves again and Vanessa leans in towards Barry) VANESSA: I'm sorry about all that. (Ken walks back in again)
KEN: I know it's got an aftertaste! I LIKE IT! (Ken leaves for the last time) VANESSA: I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. : I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. : Are you OK for the trial? BARRY: I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. (Flash forward in time and Barry, Adam, and Vanessa are back in court) MONTGOMERY-- We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM: Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... (Barry stares at Adam) ...Yeah. LAWYER: Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. MONTGOMERY: Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around : is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. (To lawyer)

• You got the tweezers? LAWYER:
• Are you allergic? MONTGOMERY: Only to losing, son. Only to losing. : Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. : What exactly is your relationship (Points to Vanessa) : to that woman? BARRY: We're friends. MONTGOMERY:
• Good friends? BARRY:
• Yes. MONTGOMERY: How good? Do you live together? ADAM: Wait a minute... : MONTGOMERY: Are you her little... : ...bedbug? (Adam's stinger starts vibrating. He is agitated) I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,
  : doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? BARRY:
  
• Yeah, but... MONTGOMERY: (Pointing at Janet and Martin)
  
• So those aren't your real parents! JANET:
  
• Oh, Barry... BARRY:
  
• Yes, they are! ADAM: Hold me back! (Vanessa tries to hold Adam back. He wants to sting Montgomery) MONTGOMERY: You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? ADAM: He's denouncing bees! MONTGOMERY: Don't y'all date your cousins? (Montgomery leans over on the jury stand and stares at Adam) VANESSA:
  
• Objection! (Vanessa raises her hand to object but Adam gets free. He flies straight at Montgomery) =ADAM:
  
• I'm going to pincushion this guy! BARRY: Adam, don't! It's what he wants! (Adam stings Montgomery in the butt and he starts thrashing around)
  

MONTGOMERY: Oh, I'm hit!! : Oh, lordy, I am hit! JUDGE BUMBLETON: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting) The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! : I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! : You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! : Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! BARRY: - Adam, stay with me. ADAM: - I can't feel my legs. MONTGOMERY: (Overreacting and throwing his body around the room) What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison : from my heaving buttocks? JUDGE BUMLBETON: I will have order in this court. Order!
: Order, please! (Flash forward in time and we see a human news reporter) NEWS REPORTER: The case of the honeybees versus the human race : took a pointed turn against the bees : yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. (Adam is laying in a hospital bed and Barry flies in to see him) BARRY: - Hey, buddy. ADAM: - Hey. BARRY: - Is there much pain? ADAM: - Yeah. : I... : I blew the whole case, didn't I? BARRY: It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. ADAM: I'd be better off dead. Look at me. (A small plastic sword is replaced as Adam's stinger) They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
: Look, there's a little celery still on it. (Flicks off the celery and sighs) BARRY: What was it like to sting someone? ADAM: I can't explain it. It was all... : All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! BARRY: ...All right. ADAM: You think it was all a trap? BARRY: Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. : What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM: What will the humans do to us if they win? BARRY: I don't know. ADAM: I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. BARRY: Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!
ADAM: Oh, my. (Coughs) Could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY: - Why? ADAM: - The smoke. (We can see that two humans are smoking cigarettes outside) : Bees don't smoke. BARRY: Right. Bees don't smoke. : Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. : That's it! That's our case! ADAM: It is? It's not over? BARRY: Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. : Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. (Flash forward in time and Adam is making a paper boat in the courtroom) ADAM: And assuming you've done step 29 correctly, you're ready for the tub! (We see that the jury have each made their own paper boats after being taught how by Adam. They all look confused) JUDGE BUMBLETON:
Mr. Flayman. ADAM: Yes? Yes, Your Honor! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Where is the rest of your team? ADAM: (Continues stalling) Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. : Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, : and as a result, we don't make very good time. : I actually heard a funny story about... MONTGOMERY: Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs : taken up enough of this court's valuable time? : How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? : They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges : against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. : I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case! JUDGE BUMBLETON: Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going : to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. ADAM: But you can't! We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY: Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? : Show me the smoking gun! BARRY: (Barry flies in through the door) Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? : Here is your smoking gun. (Vanessa walks in holding a bee smoker. She sets it down on the Judge's podium) JUDGE BUMBLETON: What is that? BARRY: It's a bee smoker! MONTGOMERY: (Picks up smoker) What, this? This harmless little contraption? : This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. (Montgomery accidentally fires it at the bees in the crowd and they faint
and cough) (Dozens of reporters start taking pictures of the suffering bees) BARRY: Look at what has happened : to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" : Is this what nature intended for us? : To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines : and man-made wooden slat work camps? : Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? (Barry points to the honey industry owners. One of them is an African American so he awkwardly separates himself from the others) LAWYER: - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. BARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! ADAM AND VANESSA: Free the bees! Free the bees! BEES IN CROWD: Free the bees! HUMAN JURY: Free the bees! Free the bees! JUDGE BUMBLETON: The court finds in favor of the bees!
BARRY: Vanessa, we won! VANESSA: I knew you could do it! High-five! (Vanessa hits Barry hard because her hand is too big) : Sorry. BARRY: (Overjoyed) I'm OK! You know what this means? : All the honey will finally belong to the bees. : Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. MONTGOMERY: This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. : You'll regret this. (Montgomery leaves and Barry goes outside the courtroom. Several reporters start asking Barry questions) REPORTER 1#: Barry, how much honey is out there? BARRY: All right. One at a time. REPORTER 2#: Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY: My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.
(Barry flies outside with the paparazzi and Adam and Vanessa stay back) ADAM: (To Vanessa) - What if Montgomery's right? Vanessa: - What do you mean? ADAM: We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to a man) BUSINESS MAN: Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? BARRY: First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. (As Barry is talking we see a montage of men putting "closed" tape over the work camps and freeing the bees in the crappy apartments) Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, : every last drop. (Men in suits are pushing all the honey of the aisle and into carts) We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more (We see a statue of a bear-shaped honey container being pulled down by bees) than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. : We're all aware of what they do in the woods. (We see Winnie the Pooh sharing his honey with Piglet in the cross-hairs of a high-tech sniper rifle) BARRY: (Looking through binoculars)
Wait for my signal. : Take him out. (Winnie gets hit by a tranquilizer dart and dramatically falls off the log he was standing on, his tongue hanging out. Piglet looks at Pooh in fear and the Sniper takes the honey.) SNIPER: He'll have nausea for a few hours, then he'll be fine. (Flash forward in time) BARRY: And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... (Mr. Sting is sitting at home until he is taken out of his house by the men in suits) STING: But it's just a prance-about stage name! BARRY: ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products : and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. (An old lady is mixing honey into her tea but suddenly men in suits smash her face down on the table and take the honey) OLD LADY: Can't breathe. (A honey truck pulls up to Barry's hive) WORKER: Bring it in, boys! : Hold it right there! Good. : Tap it.
(Tons of honey is being pumped into the hive's storage) BEE WORKER 1#: (Honey overflows from the cup) Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! : - I think we need to shut down! =BEE WORKER #2= - Shut down? We've never shut down. : Shut down honey production! DEAN BUZZWELL: Stop making honey! (The bees all leave their stations. Two bees run into a room and they put the keys into a machine) Turn your key, sir! (Two worker bees dramatically turn their keys, which opens the button which they press, shutting down the honey-making machines. This is the first time this has ever happened) BEE: ...What do we do now? (Flash forward in time and a Bee is about to jump into a pool full of honey) Cannonball! (The bee gets stuck in the honey and we get a short montage of Bees leaving work) (We see the Pollen Jocks flying but one of them gets a call on his antenna) LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") We're shutting honey production! : Mission abort. POLLEN JOCK #1: Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. (The Pollen Jocks fly back to the hive)
(We get a time lapse of Central Park slowly wilting away as the bees all relax) BARRY: Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. ADAM: Oh, yeah? BARRY: What's going on? Where is everybody? (The entire street is deserted) : - Are they out celebrating? ADAM: - They're home. : They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. : I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY: At least we got our honey back. ADAM: Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? : It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. : This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. :
And now... : Now I can't. (Flash forward in time and Barry is talking to Vanessa) BARRY: I don't understand why they're not happy. : I thought their lives would be better! : They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. VANESSA: You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? BARRY: - What did you want to show me? (Vanessa takes Barry to the rooftop where they first had coffee and points to her store) VANESSA: - This. (Points at her flowers. They are all grey and wilting) BARRY: What happened here? VANESSA: That is not the half of it. (Small flash forward in time and Vanessa and Barry are on the roof of her store and she points to Central Park) (We see that Central Park is no longer green and colorful, rather it is grey, brown, and dead-like. It is very depressing to look at) BARRY: Oh, no. Oh, my. :
They're all wilting. VANESSA: Doesn't look very good, does it? BARRY: No. VANESSA: And whose fault do you think that is? BARRY: You know, I'm gonna guess bees. VANESSA== (Staring at Barry) Bees? BARRY: Specifically, me. : I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. VANESSA: It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. BARRY: That's our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA: Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. : And then, of course... BARRY: The human species? : So if there's no more pollination,
: it could all just go south here, couldn't it? VANESSA: I know this is also partly my fault. BARRY: How about a suicide pact? VANESSA: How do we do it? BARRY: - I'll sting you, you step on me. VANESSA: - That just kills you twice. BARRY: Right, right. VANESSA: Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. (Vanessa leaves) BARRY: (To himself) I had to open my mouth and talk. : Vanessa? : Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? (Vanessa is getting into a taxi) VANESSA: To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. :
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. : It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. BARRY: Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA: I know. Me neither. (The taxi starts to drive away) BARRY: Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. : Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? : Roses! : Vanessa! (Barry flies after the Taxi) VANESSA: Roses?! : Barry? (Barry is flying outside the window of the taxi) BARRY: - Roses are flowers! VANESSA: - Yes, they are. BARRY: Flowers, bees, pollen!
VANESSA: I know. That's why this is the last parade. BARRY: Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA: Could you slow down? (The taxi driver screeches to a stop and Barry keeps flying forward) : Barry! (Barry flies back to the window) BARRY: OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. VANESSA: Yes, it kind of is. BARRY: I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you : with the flower shop. I've made it worse. VANESSA: Actually, it's completely closed down. BARRY: I thought maybe you were remodeling. : But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. VANESSA: I don't want to hear it!
BARRY: All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. : I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. : All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. : - Bees. VANESSA: - Park. BARRY: - Pollen! VANESSA: - Flowers. BARRY: - Re-pollination! VANESSA: - Across the nation! : Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. : They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. : Security will be tight. BARRY: I have an idea.
(Flash forward in time. Vanessa is about to board a plane which has all the Roses on board. VANESSA: Vanessa Bloome, FTD. (Holds out badge) : Official floral business. It's real. SECURITY GUARD: Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. =VANESSA== Thank you. It was a gift. (Barry is revealed to be hiding inside the brooch) (Flash back in time and Barry and Vanessa are discussing their plan) BARRY: Once inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA: How about The Princess and the Pea? : I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! BARRY: Yes, I got it. : - Where should I sit? GUARD: - What are you? BARRY: - I believe I'm the pea. GUARD: - The pea? VANESSA:
It goes under the mattresses. GUARD: - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. VANESSA: You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! : Let's see what this baby'll do. (Vanessa drives the float through traffic) GUARD: Hey, what are you doing?! BARRY== Then all we do is blend in with traffic... : ...without arousing suspicion. : Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are about to get on a plane) SECURITY GUARD: Stop! Security. : - You and your insect pack your float? VANESSA: - Yes. SECURITY GUARD: Has it been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA: - Yes.
SECURITY GUARD: Would you remove your shoes? (To Barry) - Remove your stinger. BARRY: - It's part of me. SECURITY GUARD: I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. (Barry plotting with Vanessa) BARRY: Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. (Flash forward in time and Barry and Vanessa are flying on the plane) Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! VANESSA: I think this is gonna work. BARRY: It's got to work. CAPTAIN SCOTT: (On intercom) Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. : We have a bit of bad weather in New York. : It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. VANESSA: Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. BARRY:
I gotta get up there and talk to them. VANESSA== Be careful. (Barry flies right outside the cockpit door) BARRY: Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. (The flight attendant opens the door and walks out and Barry flies into the cockpit unseen) BARRY: Captain, I'm in a real situation. CAPTAIN SCOTT: - What'd you say, Hal? CO-PILOT HAL: - Nothing. (Scott notices Barry and freaks out) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Bee! BARRY: No,no,no, Don't freak out! My entire species... (Captain Scott gets out of his seat and tries to suck Barry into a handheld vacuum) HAL: (To Scott) What are you doing? (Barry lands on Hals hair but Scott sees him. He tries to suck up Barry but instead he sucks up Hals toupee) CAPTAIN SCOTT: Uh-oh. BARRY: - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
HAL: (Hal doesn't know Barry is on his head) - Who's an attorney? CAPTAIN SCOTT: Don't move. (Scott hits Hal in the face with the vacuum in an attempt to hit Barry. Hal is knocked out and he falls on the life raft button which launches an infalatable boat into Scott, who gets knocked out and falls to the floor. They are both uncounscious.) BARRY: (To himself) Oh, Barry. BARRY: (On intercom, with a Southern accent) Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. : Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? (Vanessa looks confused) (Normal accent) ...And please hurry! (Vanessa opens the door and sees the life raft and the uncounscious pilots) VANESSA: What happened here? BARRY: I tried to talk to them, but then there was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. : Now one's bald, one's in a boat, and they're both unconscious! VANESSA: ...Is that another bee joke? BARRY:

• No! : No one's flying the plane! BUD DITCHWATER: (Through radio on plane) This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? VANESSA: This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. BUD: Where's the pilot? VANESSA: He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. BUD: Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? BARRY: As a matter of fact, there is. BUD:
• Who's that? BARRY:
• Barry Benson. BUD: From the honey trial?! Oh, great. BARRY: Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. : It's got giant wings, huge engines.

VANESSA: I can't fly a plane. BARRY: - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA: - Yes. BARRY: How hard could it be? (Vanessa sits down and flies for a little bit but we see lightning clouds outside the window) VANESSA: Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. (An ominous lightning storm looms in front of the plane) (We are now watching the Bee News) BOB BUMBLE: This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, : where a suspenseful scene is developing. : Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... ADAM: That's Barry! BOB BUMBLE: ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers : and an incapacitated flight crew. JANET, MARTIN, UNCLE CAR AND ADAM: Flowers?! (The scene switches to the human news)
REPORTER: (Talking with Bob Bumble) We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls : with absolutely no flight experience. BOB BUMBLE: Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. BUD: I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. : They've done enough damage. REPORTER: But isn't he your only hope? BUD: Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. : Their wings are too small... BARRY: (Through radio) Haven't we heard this a million times? : "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."... BOB BUMBLE: - Get this on the air! BEE: - Got it.
BEE NEWS CREW: - Stand by. BEE NEWS CREW: - We're going live! BARRY: (Through radio on TV) ...The way we work may be a mystery to you. : Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. : But let me tell you about a small job. : If you do it well, it makes a big difference. : More than we realized. To us, to everyone. : That's why I want to get bees back to working together. : That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. : We get behind a fellow. : - Black and yellow! BEES: - Hello! (The scene switches and Barry is teaching Vanessa how to fly) BARRY:
Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA: - Hover? BARRY: - Forget hover. VANESSA: This isn't so hard. (Pretending to honk the horn) Beep-beep! Beep-beep! (A Lightning bolt hits the plane and autopilot turns off) Barry, what happened?! BARRY: Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. VANESSA: - That may have been helping me. BARRY: - And now we're not! VANESSA: So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. (The plane plummets but we see Lou Lu Duva and the Pollen Jocks, along with multiple other bees flying towards the plane) Lou Lu DUva: All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! : Move out! (The scene switches back to Vanessa and Barry in the plane) BARRY: Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! (Barry sticks out his arms like an airplane and flys in front of Vanessa's face)
VANESSA: Don't have to yell. BARRY: I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. VANESSA: It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! BARRY: It's not a tone. I'm panicking! VANESSA: I can't do this! (Barry slaps Vanessa) BARRY: Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! VANESSA: (Slaps Barry) You snap out of it. BARRY: (Slaps Vanessa) : You snap out of it. VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! (We see that all the Pollen Jocks are flying under the plane) VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it!
VANESSA: - You snap out of it! BARRY: - You snap out of it! VANESSA: - Hold it! BARRY: - Why? Come on, it's my turn. VANESSA: How is the plane flying? (The plane is now safely flying) VANESSA: I don't know. (Barry's antennae rings like a phone. Barry picks up) BARRY: Hello? LOU LU DUVA: (Through "phone") Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? (All of the Pollen Jocks are carrying the plane) BARRY: The Pollen Jocks! : They do get behind a fellow. LOU LU DUVA: - Black and yellow. POLLEN JOCKS: - Hello. LOU LU DUVA: All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop. BARRY: Where? I can't see anything. Can you? VANESSA: No, nothing. It's all cloudy. : Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. BARRY: - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. (On the runway there are millions of bees laying on their backs) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. VANESSA: - What? BARRY: - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. : Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. : Bring the nose down. BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! CONTROL TOWER OPERATOR: - What in the world is on the tarmac? BUD: - Get some lights on that!
(It is revealed that all the bees are organized into a giant pulsating flower formation) BEES: Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! BARRY: - Vanessa, aim for the flower. VANESSA: - OK. BARRY: Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? LOU LU DUVA: Affirmative! BARRY: Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. : Land on that flower! : Ready? Full reverse! : Spin it around! (The plane's nose is pointed at a flower painted on a nearby plane) - Not that flower! The other one! VANESSA: - Which one? BARRY: - That flower. (The plane is now pointed at a fat guy in a flowered shirt. He freaks out and tries to take a picture of the plane) VANESSA: - I'm aiming at the flower!
BARRY: That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! (The plane hovers over the bee-flower) : Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. : Rotate around it. VANESSA: - This is insane, Barry! BARRY: - This's the only way I know how to fly. BUD: Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? (The plane is unrealistically hovering and spinning over the bee-flower) BARRY: Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! : Just drop it. Be a part of it. : Aim for the center! : Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! : Come on, already. (The bees scatter and the plane safely lands) VANESSA: Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!
BARRY: - Yes! (Vanessa is about to high-five Barry) No high-five! VANESSA: - Right. ADAM: Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? BARRY: What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! ADAM: - Thank you. BARRY: - But we're not done yet. : Listen, everyone! : This runway is covered with the last pollen : from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. : That means this is our last chance. : We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. : If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?
: Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? BEES: We're bees! BEE WHO LIKES KEYCHAINS: Keychain! BARRY: Then follow me! Except Keychain. POLLEN JOCK #1: Hold on, Barry. Here. : You've earned this. BARRY: Yeah! : I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. (The Pollen Jocks throw Barry a nectar-collecting gun. Barry catches it) Oh, yeah. JANET: That's our Barry. (Barry and the Pollen Jocks get pollen from the flowers on the plane) (Flash forward in time and the Pollen Jocks are flying over NYC) : (Barry pollinates the flowers in Vanessa's shop and then heads to Central Park) BOY IN PARK: Mom! The bees are back! ADAM: (Putting on his Krelman hat) If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time. : I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! (The bee honey factories are back up and running) (Meanwhile at Vanessa's shop) VANESSA: (To customer) Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Can I help who's next? : Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. (There is a room in the shop where Barry does legal work for other animals. He is currently talking with a Cow) COW: Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! : Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! BARRY: I had no idea. VANESSA: Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? BARRY: Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. MOOSEBLOOD: Sorry I'm late. COW: He's a lawyer too?
MOOSEBLOOD: Ma'am, I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. VANESSA: Have a great afternoon! : Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. BARRY: No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. VANESSA: You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? BARRY: All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. VANESSA: Thank you, Barry! (Ken walks by on the sidewalk and sees the "bee-approved honey" in Vanessa's shop) KEN: That bee is living my life!! ANDY: Let it go, Kenny. KEN: - When will this nightmare end?! ANDY: - Let it all go. BARRY: - Beautiful day to fly. POLLEN JOCK:

• Sure is. BARRY: Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. (Barry recreates the scene near the beginning of the movie where he flies through the box kite. The movie fades to black and the credits being) [--after credits; No scene can be seen but the characters can be heard talking over the credits--] You have got to start thinking bee, my friend! :
• Thinking bee!
• Me? BARRY: (Talking over singer) Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. : I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? SINGER: Oh, BarryBARRY: I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! SINGER: All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. BARRY: I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Part 1 Part 2
Context: Long ago, the Dragon King, Xayd, turned mad and nearly tore the kingdom in two. His younger brothers sent him to a prison-like cavern with only one person to tend to him... you. Over the years you've brought him his food, you've grown fascinated with him. What you don't realize is that he's grown just as fascinated with you, and has claimed you for himself. He wants to see and know all of you. Even the parts of yourself you don't know anymore.
Setting: The Mad Drake's Prison - Bedchambers/A human village
Tags:[MM4A][Fallen King x Slave][Friends to Lovers][Yandere Fallen King Dragon Speaker][Cruel Dragon Prince Speaker][Loyal Slave Listener][VERY SPICY][Obsessed][Fantasy][Magic][Flirting][Seduction][Action][Rising Up][Lore Drops][Dominant][Protective][Possessive][Aftercare][CW: Action/Mentions of Torture/Genocide]
Usage: You may tweak or record this script. Gender flipping is OK! Please credit me if you use this script in any of your projects. If you would like to use this script for a paywalled recording, please note:
Monetization: All forms of monetization are OK with me! Youtube, Patreon, etc. I would appreciate being able to listen to the recording, if possible. Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you!
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[S] = Serefis, the youngest of the Brothers, Three.
All unmarked text is Xayd
[Scene opens in Xayd’s bedchambers]
[SFX: The bed shifting subtly]
[You lie curled up against your King in the quiet of his makeshift bedchambers]
“Alright…?”
[Pause]
“Good… You did very well, my little Mouse. You trust me so implicitly… it’s a rather nice change of pace.”
[Pause…]
[He laughs but muffles it under his free hand]
“I promise, feeling will return to your legs shortly. Again, my apologies for getting a little carried away… Control is very difficult when you’ve been dying of thirst for over a decade and a nice, cool drink of water hops into your arms.”
[...Pause?]
“Oh, don’t you question my metaphors… My head is just as scrambled as yours, which… is something of a shame, nice as it is, as I really do need to think of a plan.”
[Pause???]
[He laughs]
“Love, I never have a plan! But, if I had to pick a direction, we should figure out what my brothers are up to, at present, starting with Serefis. He’s almost never home, but also never so far away that Aremis can’t bail him out of trouble.”
[Pause?]
“Hmm? Oh, no need to go spying on my behalf… Let’s just enjoy the quiet for a bit.”
[Pause…]
[His heavy hand rests on your bare back, a claw tracing gently down your spine]
“Tell me what you want.”
[...]
“Dearest, please… You hide behind that meek little servant act, but I know there is more to you. Your magic was completely drained by the time you freed me… You can speak freely with me.”
[...Pause?]
[His tone softens even more]
“Oh, sweetling… You have my word I won’t do you harm. You are safe with me. We are equals, in private. Once I take the throne back, well… It may take a bit before you can sit on the throne by my side, but you shall. Eventually.”
[Pause…?]
“How do I know you’re worthy to be my mate?”
[He chuckles softly, smoke flickering through his teeth]
“You know… Making love gives my kind insight into our partners. Honestly, you’d be surprised how many assassins I got to let me be by sheer virtue of my bedroom prowess. Regardless, my interactions with the royal family seem to have done something to my nature… Where I was callous and selfish, I now know empathy… Bragging aside, I was able to see who you were when you let your guard down. Now, I just want you to admit to being that person instead of being my scared little Mouse.”
[Pause]
[He chuckles again]
“Oh, I know you’re still scared… You’ve gone through quite a harrowing decade, my love. But I know, in time, you will awaken and I will see you in your truest form.”
[...?]
“Hmhm, there is no rush… For now, dress yourself, and let us go say hello to Serefis, my youngest brother. I sense that he’s heading for a human village to get his cheap little thrills.”
[Pause…]
[He smiles mysteriously]
“Yes… If we stepped in to protect the humans, they may be keener to support my rule. Smart Mouse. Now, go on, prepare yourself… If you can walk alright?”
[SFX: Some uncertain steps]
[...]
“I’ll, ah… be more gentle next time. Apologies.”
[Pause]
[Scene fades out]
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene opens back midair]
[SFX: Dragon wings/rushing air]
[You cling to Xayd’s back as he takes flight, struggling not to fall off or panic. He, in the interim, seems happy as can be]
“Ah, brisk! I did so miss fresh air!”
[Pause!!]
“What’s that, love? I can’t hear you over the sound of my wings!”
[PAUSE!!!!]
“Oh!! Yes, the village is just up ahead.”
[SFX: Distant eruptions and dragons roaring]
“...And it sounds like my little brother has begun the act of trying to pretend he’s a big man that can take any and all challengers. Sigh. Oh well… Let us deliver him a particularly sumptuous slice of humble pie, shall we?”
[PAUSE???]
[Who said ‘we’??]
“Oh, don’t fear, my love! I know you can handle this!”
[Pause…]
[Your King said it]
[SFX: The dragon roaring growing louder]
[As Xayd sweeps closer, you see a golden dragon flying overhead a forest, blasting fire with malicious glee]
“Oh, Seref… In his full dragon form to scare some humans? Tsk, tsk… and here I thought you’d get to see me in my full form as well. Oh well, if he’s going to make this easy on me…”
[SFX: Distant human screaming]
[You see humans, just like you, scurrying beneath, desperate for the simplicity of their lives]
[...]
[SFX: A magical hum building]
[Your fists clench. Magic surges through you that you haven’t tasted in years. You expect your King to silence you again but, all he does is tilt his head back slightly and say:]
“Kick his ass, my love.”
[...]
[SFX: Rushing air followed by an eventual harsh thud]
[You jump from Xayd’s back and land in the village. Fire surrounds you. Death. But you are cold in this familiar plane of suffering]
[SFX: Panicking humans/fire/etc.]
[Serefis hovers above, laughing at the misery he leaves in wake]
[S] “Pathetic little specks! Accept your fate like proud men or lay sullied on the ground like the weak little children you are!”
[SFX: Serefis breathing fire/people screaming]
[...]
[You clench your fists, everything falling silent around you as you watch the fire cascade down, red as the sun]
[...]
[Who are you?]
[SFX: An even greater fire exploding upward]
[You hold your hands up and the fire slows, turning black and icy]
[S] “...W-Wha-? You… You froze my flame!”
[You don’t give him the chance. You hurl the ebony fireball back at him as hard as possible. The great dragon prince howls in pain before plummeting to the Earth, form writhing and wriggling back to a more humanoid one]
[SFX: The humans ceasing to panic/murmuring in awe]
[...]
[SFX: The Listener marching toward Serefis]
[Pause.]
[The now humanoid dragon looks up at you, a mix of enraged, confused, and humiliated]
[S] “Rrgh, you… You deflected my fire back at me… You’re one of the ones that Aremis wants to be wiped off the face of his Earth!”
[Pause]
[SFX: The flames growing]
[He glares at you, the fire beginning to build in his throat, when Xayd hops down at long last]
“Brother, dearest! I’d hoped to introduce you to my mate in better terms, but it looks like you two are getting along so well!”
[Serefis appears not to hear him, too focused on trying to kill you]
[S] “YOU WILL BURN FOR THIS YOU-!”
[Pause!]
[SFX: Serefis getting a polite kick to the face]
[S] “GAH! MY NOSE-!”
[Xayd places a boot over his brother’s neck and Serefis wheezes in surprise]
“Enough, Seref.”
[Seref stops immediately, more frightened than you’ve ever seen him]
[S] “X-Xayd-!”
[SFX: Some humans gasping/more murmuring]
[Pause…]
“Oh, shh… Poor widdle baby brother… Didn’t expect someone who could fight back? Mwahh, you always were so… What’s the word…”
[A smile carves into his face]
“...Bratty.”
[S] “W-Wh… H-How are…? Y-You should be locked up, still! Y-You should be dead!”
[Pause…]
“Mmh, funny that. Did you somehow get even smaller, brother dearest?”
[Serefis glances about, almost literally a cornered animal]
[S] “P…Please… Please don’t kill me…”
[Xayd leans down and seizes his brother once more by the neck, lifting him up]
[SFX: Xayd dragging Serefis to his feet]
“Shhh… Poor lad, you’ve nearly wet yourself. Not into being choked? … Aww, fine. I won’t kill you just yet if you be a good boy for me and deliver a message to Aremis. Can you do that for me, sweetest little brother?”
[Pause…]
[S, eager] “Y-Yes! Of course! N-Not an issue at all, brother!”
[Xayd smiles and turns to you, still clutching his poor brother by the throat]
“Darling…? What would you like to say to Arty, hm? As the current King, he is the one that ordered your punishments, neglected to feed you and the other servants, and has turned a blind eye to Serefis’s antics toward the humans…”
[...]
[Pause.]
[Xayd almost giggles before he turns back to Seref]
“You heard them… Tell Aremis: ‘Songbird says hello’.”
[Serefis looks between you, clearly weighing his options. At last, he manages a weak:]
[S] “Y-Yes, Xayd…”
[Pause]
“Ah, ah, ah…”
[S, scared] “M-My King?”
[Xayd smiles, happy as can be once more]
“Good boy. Off you go, now. Shoo, shoo!”
[SFX: Serefis taking flight as fast as he possibly can]
[You stand with your King amidst a crowd of awed humans. He turns to you, smiling amicably]
“I think that went quite well, don’t you, dear?”
[...]
[You suppose so]
[To be continued]
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: Serefis used to demand that Xayd let him win at chess. Xayd responded, in kind, by making him eat any of the chess pieces that Xayd claimed from him. This is either horrifying or hilarious, depending on if you have siblings or not.

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SomeOrdinaryGamers

LOST EPISODES - "Plankton Got Served" zBhEQ9uU59s
"'Arther: Lost Episode' (SH*TPASTAS)"
"Red Moon"

She was malice and hatred, her efforts to undermine the Empire's efforts for peace- in spite of everything the Humans had done- had culminated in her attempting to simply raze everything and force the issue.
Brave and Noble Kurtulmak, God of Kobolds, had roared with all of the ferocity of a Dragon, sacrificing himself to ensure Bahamut, the Justicemaker, could strike Tiamat's heart, and in his final breath, begged Bahamut to protect his people.
"That's a load of fucking bullshit!" I yapped.
The Priests of Bahamut recoiled at my words, clearly not anticipating that I- who miraculously returned, whose resurrection was clearly a divine miracle, and was thus also clearly a sign of Bahamut's favor- would be pissed.
"There is absolutely zero fucking way that actually happened!" I snapped.
It was a full day since my resurrection, and I'd been exhausted. I was still exhausted, but I absolutely was not having any fuckery. So I calmly asked them for the account of what had happened, after overhearing them talking about how Bahamut had clearly brought me back and pushing the holy vestments on me.
Which I did wear, because I wasn't going to go around naked.
This of course was the wrong choice because it gave their story some implicit weight.
"Alright, so first off, Asgorath was the one who brought me back, not Bahamut." I said, shutting down that narrative immediately. "Second, the only reason he did that was because I guess I impressed him? Third, he brought me to Bahamut's palace, Bahamut didn't bring me there, and fourth-" I paused, my anger at the situation briefly giving way to a pang of grief. "And fourth, Kurtulmak was already dead when Bahamut arrived."
"Imperator, clearly you must still be exhausted and confused from-"
I flung Magic Missiles at him, he was sturdier than Humans, but he still died. "Bring him back!" I ordered. "I though he'd survive."
This of course terrified the priests, who did bring him back immediately.
I stood up and walked over to the window overlooking the area. The town had been eradicated, it was only thanks to our efforts to get Darastrixthurhi livable that the nursery survived.
"Do any of you remember what Christianity was like?" I asked.
"Y-yes, Imperator." One of the Priests stated.
"Stop acting like a Christian, and start following your God's tenets, or I swear upon mine I will kill you and leave him to deal with you."
"Ruuk, that's enough." Tallyn warned. "We lost most of our family, we didn't know what to think of what happened, we went with what made sense."
"I can understand that." I said. "Mistakes happen, and sometimes things are misunderstood." I shot a glare at the Priest. "I will not tolerate attempts at gaslighting me into believing your story. Bahamut is ashamed of you."
He looked away, then looked back at me before bowing. "I am sorry, Imperator. Please forgive my transgression."
"I've already killed you once." I said. "You don't need forgiveness, you only need to do better. Make your actions your apology, words are meaningless before Bahamut." The way he stared at me with such profundity indicated that he had absolutely not considered that before.
"Tallyn, what the fuck is going on when something that basic escapes your notice?"
"Times have been difficult." Tallyn replied. "Galax was killed on that day, he gave his life protecting us from Tiamat's breath weapon."
"A shame. He was a dick, but he was at least on the right path. Who's in charge of the Temple?"
"That would be Mitne, the Dragonborn." Tallyn replied. "We've been quarantined since the attack, except this time, it's for a good reason."
"Yeah, Kurtulmak's divine essence is causing Humans to turn into Kobolds, but without his guidance." I said. "Have they at least let anyone out?"
"No. It extends to anyone we touch, anyone we try to heal. We chose to be quarantined."
This wasn't even square one. This was the table being flipped by an irate player who didn't get their way.
"Any negative effects on our people?" I asked. He shook his head. "Good, there's that, at least. Did any worshipers of Kurtulmak remain?"
"There were some holdouts, but..."
"But?" I pressed.
"We converted them." Tallyn said. "Not by force, I know you would never forgive us for that, but since Kurtulmak is dead... There's no point in worshiping a dead god."
"I see." I said. "I want everyone who was affiliated with Kurtulmak's Temple brought to me immediately."
They hesitated, but complied.
There were only fifty of them, all dressed in Bahamut's vestments.
"I'm going to give you all a choice." I said. "Remain in Bahamut's Temple, or join me in a fool's errand to worship a dead God." They looked at each other. "Until yesterday, not a single one of you made any efforts to worship him, I am currently the only one stubborn enough to do so. Now, make your choice. If you will join me, cast aside your vestments, and pledge your service to my God. If Bahamut complains, he can bother me about it."
The way they removed the vestments indicated they only went with Bahamut's Temple because they were convinced to, or maybe even forced to, I couldn't trust that Tallyn knew everything.
"Tonight." I said, looking at them critically. "We will be performing a public ritual in Kurtulmak's honor. If the Temple of Bahamut deigns to strike against us, do not kill them if you can help it, but make them suffer, for they act against their God's wishes."
Maybe. I wasn't entirely certain why he searched for me, or why Asgorath brought me back- the latter, at least, I could think as doing it just for the sake of doing it, maybe there was some sort of balance my being brought back would achieve, or maybe he wanted Kurtulmak's story to have a more satisfying ending, I wasn't certain, nor would I ever really be certain.
All I knew was, if there was some way to bring him back, I would most certainly do it, and the first thing that came to mind was worship, there was a reason why Gods needed followers,
In spite of my exhaustion, keeping my resurrection a secret was a Bad Idea. If the Temple of Bahamut's new High Priest was a problem, he'd try to do more than a little gaslighting,
I looked at the Priests of Bahamut, who observed this all with disappointment in their eyes.
"Gather the people." I said. "Tell them their Imperator has words that must be heard."
One of them scowled, I walked up to her. "Is there going to be a problem?" I asked in a low tone. "Do not think for a second I did not see that look you gave me. A year may have passed, but do not forget the antagonism the Temple brought me under better leadership. I was the one Bahamut directed when platinum was needed for your Temple, I was the one who had the platinum sword forged."
I paused, bending over to keep her looking at me as she tried to look away. "Your actions now dictate whether I return as a benevolent leader, or a cruel tyrant, I will happily go either way as long as what needs to get done gets done. I am electing to do good, in honor of your God's pact with mine. I do not need to be. Is this understood?"
"Yes, Imperator." She said.
"Direct your High Priest here." I said. "Tell him his Imperator wants him for words."
"Imperator, the High Priest does not answer to anyone other than Bahamut." Another spoke.
"He will, if he understands what's good for him." I said. "Last I recall, Mitne is not a Kobold, he was Human before he was reborn, and unless he has proven he understands what is necessary for the Warren, and not just his God's glory, I cannot trust that the very concerning actions I've seen today are not indicative of a more systemic problem."
"We serve Bahamut's will." The third Priest stated.
"Your names, tell me them." I said. They blinked, confused. "Are you disobeying a direct order from one whom Bahamut sought out in death, whom Asgorath saw fit to return to life?" I asked. "Or am I only a convenience if I am compliant to the machinations of the Temple?"
"Rahmut." The Priestess spoke, her gaze turned downward.
"Kuudra." The first spoke, his gaze meeting mine evenly.
"Farin, Imperator." The third spoke with slightly more respect.
"This one gets it." I said. "The people gathered now, the High Priest brought in here immediately. Failure to do either will be considered treason. Is this understood?"
"What, may I ask, is the punishment for treason?" Kuudra asked.
"For the time being, a sharp slap to the face. I'll move up to the death penalty if it gets particularly egregious."
They bowed.
"Fuck's sake, did you forget our salute?" I asked. They froze. "Out."
They left.
"Imperator." I looked toward the fifty, all saluted. I smiled and nodded.
Slowly, the people below gathered, Tallyn returned, and for a moment, there was a moment of tension between us.
"Does my manner of addressing your Temple displease you, Tallyn?" I asked.
"I'd be lying if I said it didn't." He replied. He held out a bundle of cloth, and I took it. My eyes widened as I saw the crimson sheen of the leather armor Kurtulmak had made for me.
"I thought I was incinerated?" I asked.
"Our Artificers classify it as a legendary item, unsurprising considering it was created by a God." He said. "It takes more than a solid blast to destroy an item like that. I may have needed to punch a few Priests to get it out, Bahamut will take it out of my hide at his discretion.
My once-blind eye ached. "He will not." The words came unbidden from my own lips, I held hands grasping my shoulders firmly. Tallyn's eyes widened, he knelt immediately. "I speak through your Imperator, and shall only reveal myself when necessary. Tallyn is, and always has been since that day two and one half years ago, my claimed agent upon this world." The chuckle I heard did not come from my own mouth, yet it reverberated throughout the room. "He has made me almost regret giving him my regard many times."
"What is your wisdom, my God?" Tallyn asked.
"Justice and Good above all else, yet even Evil may be paid unto Evil. So long as justice is served, so long as Good is preserved, the means to achieve that Justice may be forgiven. Ruuk understands what I need*, I will tolerate his indiscretions so long as it achieves that ultimate goal."*
I felt those hands loosen, for a moment, I felt like I was going to faint.
'I am here, Ruuk, as I always have been. Do what needs done.' Bahamut's voice echoed in my mind, and the aching in my eye faded.
"The people are gathered." Tallyn spoke. "Let them know their Imperator has returned."
I put on my armor, finding comfort in its presence, and I strode toward the balcony. It was dead silent before I showed up, and the only indication that anyone realized who I was, was a few startled gasps.
'We have imbued you with further power.' Bahamut spoke. 'A year is a long time to be gone, this gift will ensure the people understand who has advocated for your return.'
I climbed onto the balcony. "Altiuiri thran hansa tairais." My words reverberated with power, and I stepped off of the balcony. The screams were short lived, once the spectral wings burst out from my back. I descended such that everyone could clearly see me.
"By the effort of Bahamut, and the grace of Asgorath, your Imperator has returned." I spoke. "I am very, very disappointed, I am gone for one year, and everything goes to shit."
I made it obvious that, in spite of my clear disapproval with things, I was trying to be humorous. A handful of people laughed. Good, I didn't need fear quite yet. Everyone was dressed in some kind of vestment, which told me a lot about how the prior administration ran. I could feel Bahamut's anger burning within my heart.
'They are required by law to show fealty to me.' He spoke. 'I grant you permission to destroy this mockery of my will.'
"To those who do not feel the need to pledge your fealty to Bahamut, disrobe immediately. Those vestments are nothing but a mark of slavery to a faith you do not follow."
I could see palpable relief in the eyes of most of the people, who didn't even hesitate to undress. "To the rest, may your faith to your God be respected, you are the ones who have use for such things- even so, you are not required to show your devotion in such a way. Disrobe, if it is your desire."
A handful of Kobolds undressed. "Place the vestments over there." I said, pointing at an empty spot. They did so.
'Now, burn this mockery against me.'
I pointed my finger at the pile, each vestment folded with respect. "Docar ethim nil'gnos." I spoke, and the firebolt streaked toward the pile, setting it ablaze instantly. There were a few shocked gasps.
"May this affront to Bahamut's ideals be burned away, zyak qe coi."
"Tomorrow." I said. "I want each of you to write any complaints or criticisms you may have had in the preceding year. If for whatever reason you do not have access to paper or writing implements, I will ensure you have something, if only to ensure clear communication. You will write your name, as well as anything that comes to mind, no matter how petty, no matter how insignificant. And if anyone bars your way toward delivering these to me personally, you have every right to strike them down, as they will be a traitor to the Empire."
'Call out the name of Kova, have her approach.'
"Kova." I spoke, "You are within this crowd, approach."
A female Kobold slowly made her way over to me. she was bruised, her eyes downcast. "What has happened to you?" I asked, lowering myself to stand before her.
"I- spoke out against the Temple." She said. "They beat me for blasphemy."
'This is my gift to you, it is your own power, you do not need to pray to me for this.' Bahamut spoke.
I gently rest my hand on her, guided by Bahamut, but not controlled. I spoke, "Irisv itov erlelee." I felt a rush of power completely unlike Sorcery, the bruises healed, her dull scales regained their luster, she looked up at me with wide eyes.
"Brutality to our own is evil." I spoke. "Speak freely, your voice is the voice of the Empire, as are the voices of your fellow Kobolds. In benevolence or tyranny, I would never silence you."
I had some very sharp words for Mitna.
I pulled away from her and flew up again. "Tomorrow." I spoke. "Though I work within the gifts given to me by Bahamut, I will be leading a ritual in honor of Kurtulmak." A quote came to mind. "That is not dead which can eternal lie; and with strange aeons even death may die. Until the day I die, I will not give up on my God, our Emperor. Go in peace."
I flew back up to the throne room. "Tallyn." I said. "Why have beatings occurred under your leadership?" I asked.
"Wait, beatings?" He asked.
Footsteps echoed as one of the Priests returned. "Imperator." Farin stated, he started to bow, caught himself, and then saluted. "The High Priest has refused to see you." He said.
​
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I am in but of a dilemma. I met a new friend when I was 20, she was 24 (it’s now over a decade later). We met overseas but we’re from the same country, different cities. We’ve never lived in the same place.
Over the last decade we’ve kept in touch via social media, phone calls and the occasional visit - possibly once every 2 years averaged out.
During this time she has had severe issues with her marriage. She’s been unhappy almost the entire time I’ve known her but is too embarrassed to get a divorce (even though I among others have told her her happiness is paramount and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about). Instead my friend has found comfort in repeatedly cheating on her husband in pursuit of her own happiness.
I (now regretfully) supported her in whatever decisions she made, saying things like “infidelity doesn’t happen in a vacuum” “I know you’re just trying to make yourself happy” and excusing this somewhat shitty behaviour. I always gently encouraged leaving her husband rather than constant cheating but because she told me she didn’t have other friends and wasn’t close to her family I didn’t want to alienate her more.
Over the years I did meet her husband a few times and despite all she’s said about him, I do think he’s a sweet guy and doesn’t actually deserve the things she’s been doing. She constantly says she’ll leave but never does and goes back to sleeping around behind his back.
I guess due to us living in different cities and me knowing I’d never do what she did I let myself off the hook for excusing her behaviour.
Anyway, fast forward to recent times and I got engaged and she immediately asked to be a bridesmaid as she is now one of my oldest friends. I said yes (I didn’t want any but fiancé wanted an even bridal party so I went with it).
Being in a different city meant she couldn’t help which but I was ok with this, I’m a planner and was excited to do it all myself anyway.
For all my bridesmaids I wrote a letter asking them to be a part of the day, outlining expectations, which was essentially, I don’t want you to stress, I’ll pay for everything, I just need you to be around the week of for last minute help if required, no hard feelings if you opt out because life can be tricky that type of thing.
She accepted and it was fine for a while but then she got super needy and demanding. I gave the girls options for dresses to pick themselves and she kept saying how unflattering they were, kept making disparaging comments about wedding planning in general. This carried on until my bachelorette party.
My bach was a very low key quiet girls champagne brunch. I told her not to travel because it seemed a big expense for such a minor event. (she's recently started in a new industry and I was conscious she didn’t have a lot of excess money so wanted to give her an out). She came anyway but because of the expense she didn’t hire a car, and didn’t want to use public transport/taxis so I had to cancel my hair and makeup to pick her up and drive her around.
After this day, I heard from my other friends just how negative she was, almost everything out of her mouth was a jab at how terrible marriage is, how it's a trap, ball and chain, slow death etc all the cliches.. I brushed it off as it being a hard time for her given her marriage struggles but then… she did that same thing at my wedding.
She travelled, again no car and then the day before the wedding asked how I was getting her to the venue - I had made a group chat with the bridal party 3 weeks in advance and asked them to arrange travel between them/carpool as I would be onsite the night before and they needed to be there in the morning. So I had arrange her transport last minute, her dress wasn’t pressed so I had to do that morning of my wedding, she didn’t arrive at the expected time and “pranked’ me on arrival which scared the hell out of me and got my heart racing which I couldn’t get rid of the entire day. She decided she hated her hair after it had been done (even though I had asked what she wanted weeks in advance and she never replied) She disappeared for an hour without telling anyone, only came back when it was my (brides) turn for hair and asked for her to be redone and I would have to wait… which I did because I was furious but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went to help set up.
I got the same feedback from even more people that she was negative the whole day “I remember being happy on my wedding day, that doesn’t last” etc to the point the both other bridesmaids, and the photographer all pulled her aside at different times and told her to get it together.
There were sooo many other things but I digress.
After the wedding, despite my annoyance, I didn’t want to be a bridezilla and end a friendship so I tried to get past it but she kinda ghosted me instead. Which honestly I was fine with because I saw this bratty otherside of her and after her meeting my other friends I realised that I don’t agree with her choices and can’t condene them anymore (cheating) and she's so negative and has been the entire time I’ve known her without trying to better herself or seek therapy or anything so I think I have outgrown her.
We’ve barely spoken in 6 months and today she asked if she could come visit as there has been a weird distance between us and she wants to catch up. My mind instantly started coming up for excuses to use to avoid confrontation, which is mean, and got me wondering whether I should be honest with her and say I think we’ve outgrown each othe I can’t support her actions/I’m hurt at how she acted this last year towards my marriage.
I feel like I’ve been her one supporter and I don’t want to hurt her by removing a friendship she needs but then she hasn’t been there for me (It's always been me supporting her) and has ignored me for the better half of a year (during which I have really struggled but never once saw her as someone I could go to for help).
It’s not all about the wedding but it was seeing her with my other friends and family and in a situation where it wasn’t about her and how she acted in that situation and my opinion of her has really changed.
What should I do?

This little piece I wrote because I have zero mental energy to write something I care too much aobut the format and quality, and i've been wanting to have a look at this topic for a while.
Don't expect a lot of quality, but here have a thing.
---
[This video is shown in its raw form for purposes of transparency of the procedures. For the edited version please visit the Emergency Services Guild public-facing site]
[Content Warning: This video contains images of both stampedes and wartime stampede incidents of the following situations: Human First Contact, Operation Blindside, Sillis Occupation, Kolshian Scouting of Venlil Prime]
[This video will be subtitled instead of utilizing audio translation]
The camera’s view is completely obscured by a grey mass “I think it’s running, can you check it for me?” says a deep bassy voice of a human.
“Yes, i’m getting the audio and a very good closeup for your shirt” the voice of a venlil sounds hoarse
The grey mass recedes and the room becomes visible. A large naturally-lit room of plain appearance, there is a long table set in the center of it surrounded by chairs, the table itself is clearly designed with a holographic projector and at the far end of the room there is a large display.
There are seven people present, three humans dressed in grey outfits with red highlights, each one of them with a different insignia emblazoned on their breast but all three of them have similar themes, a helmet, an axe and a ladder is present on all three designs. Four venlil represent, two with sashes of office with the white with red stripe color and the exterminator’s pyre-and-shield insignia and two with armbands with the red pawprint.
“Alright, before we start the actual meeting, can I ask why are they here?” says one of the humans, well-built and with a lighter complexion, pointing at the two venlil with sashes.
“Because it’s part of our job? Because we’re involved?” says the one with greyish wool and dark spots
“I’m sorry if i’m skeptical why an exterminator is in a meeting involving public safety and stampede response”
“Because” the venlil’s voice becomes louder “It’s our job. And I’m already brahking tired of this whole act. I’ve heard every variation of ‘you shouldn’t be the ones doing this’ you can imagine. Every human I’ve met has said this, multiple times” he slams his fists on the table
“And I brahking agree, look!” he points at one of the venlil with the armbands “Our jobs literally overlap, why do we even HAVE this overlap? What could the exterminator’s guild do in a stampede that the emergency services guild couldn’t? Why is it that any job that requires you to have the slightest bit of tail to do it they drop on us? I don’t brahking know!” he’s taking deep breaths “So… Why don’t we skip this part and just get to the meeting?”
The humans are taken aback, while it seems like the venlil were quite unfazed at the sudden energetic outburst in a strange reversal of the usual reactions. “Not… Quite what I was expecting” that first human adds “Alright, I’ll keep my thoughts to myself for now”
With that, the human that had been adjusting the camera sits down and the arrangement of seating is visible clearly: The four venlil are on one side of the table while the three humans are on the other. One of the venlil with the armbands speaks up “We are gathered at this moment for a presentation of the United Nations’ Extraplanetary Emergency Response Division’s research on the nature and possible mitigation of stampedes”
“Present for this meeting are three human representatives of the UNEERD, Captain Fabia” a human female with short crimson hair and wiry build nods “Captain Jorge” the first human nods “And Captain Ishikawa” a human much taller human with shortly cut dark hair and mildly reddened skin speaking of a disagreement with the eternal twilight nods.
“Present are also four venlil representatives. Representing the Exterminator’s Guild are Division Lead Toss” the venlil who had the outburst earlier nods “Of the Stampede Response division, Division Lead Tunam” a venlil with a strangely reddish coat halfway between pink and red nods “Of the Behavioral Studies division” the speaking venlil himself, best identified by an eyepatch on his right eye, nods “Representing the Emergency Services Guild is me, Division Lead Onam of the Stampede Response division, and Division Lead Liram” the venlil beside him nods, a woman with a distinctive vertical striping pattern “Of the Medical Response division.”
Onam takes a deep breath “You may begin the presentation, Captain Jorge” he’s being incredibly professional
With that, Jorge uses a holopad to summon an image on the monitor at the far end, a simple bullet point list “Though all present here already know, I’ll state it for the record. The ESG has requested from the UNEERD an independent study of mitigating techniques for stampede events, both to help us increase our understanding of the local needs and to acquire an outside perspective that may improve their own understanding”
“We will be presenting our current findings, which have proven to be pretty surprising in my opinion” he gives another command to his holopad moving to the next slide “I’ll begin with the most important finding before we look into how we’ve reached this conclusion. But in effect, a proper stampede event can actually severely reduce to completely eliminate casualties in a situation of panic, however, those events can devolve into panicked flight as well as not every species is capable of those”
At that, Toss tilts his head to the side “Of all things… Stampedes preventing casualties? That’s really difficult to believe”
Ishikawa offers a shrug “I know. I’ll be honest we kind of came into this with, let’s say… A bit of a bias against you. But the observations held true, and it turns out the situation is considerably more complex than it seems”
Jorge nods “Take note this is mostly a preliminary study, we don’t have a lot of data of the sort we needed.” he pulls up another bullet list in the screen “Our work was focused more on the behavioral end, as you’ve more than proven to have the infrastructure and technical superiority here, but we have found a distinct lack of behavioral studies on stampedes”
Tunam takes a deep breath “Sure. More stuff we got wrong, as always” but before one of the humans can say something he waves dismissively with his tail “It’s alright, you’re just doing your job. It just gets exhausting hearing this every damn paw. Sorry for the interruption, please continue”
Jorge has a look on his face for a moment, something like worry and sympathy, before continuing “We have performed our studies by examining footage of stampede events with specific characteristics. First, monospecies events, with three examples. The stampede events during our first contact, as a sample of stampede events amongst the Venlil, recovered footage of an event in the Cradle during Operation Blindside, as a sample of stampede events amongst the Gojid. Take note that while this particular footage was from a situation far from any attack sites and before the arxur invasion, the reliability of it is shaky because of the wartime situation. And a stampede event on Sillis that happened recently in response to peacekeeper forces”
As he talks, three of the bullet points light up “Additionally, we later compared stampede events involving multispecies groupings. Particularly we have studied the very recent events here on Venlil Prime during the kolshian threat as well as a second event that occurred on Sillis involving a damaged dam” the last two bullet points light up
The female firefighter pipes up “We’re going to treat you like adults here but early warning we’re not going to be censoring any of the footage. I imagine given you all work with this there shouldn’t be anything you’re not familiar with”
The one-eyed venlil makes an assentive motion with his ears “Sadly, we’ve all seen enough of the carnage to be used to it”
Jorge moves on to the next slide, which contains video. He passes the holopad off to the human woman at his side “Your turn, Fabia”
She nods “We’ll start by examining this footage of the first contact. First tell me if there’s anything unusual you notice here” she says, letting the footage play. It’s an aggregation of a few different cameras, apparently from residential apartments. It shows the residents, all Venlil, running away from their apartments and spilling over in the streets, the residents of each apartment building start running towards where presumably the nearest bunker is. It only takes a few moments before they start pushing each other out of the way and the ones at the fringes of the herd end up unable to follow the group as the ever-growing mass of people start to push them against the walls of the buildings and side streets, a little while longer the first tramplings start to happen.
Tunam has had a very careful eye on the footage “This looks like a textbook case of a stampede. Nothing particular to it” he flicks his ear to the side
Taking the sign, Toss adds in “Dreadful, as always, but not even the worst example I’ve seen”
Onam sighs “I remember that one. Wouldn’t want to be those two knowing all of this was caused by them. But still, a pretty normal stampede, if anything a mild one”
Liram makes a dismissive wave of her tail “Didn’t even manage to overflow the hospitals, so i’m calling that one a win”
The sunburnt human bites his lower lip, trying to keep something inside. But ultimately it spills over “How bad is it for those kinds of responses?” it’s not so much an accusatory tone as much as a sad one.
“Very” is the only answer Onam gives.
At that, Fabia waves “And here is where a human, or more specifically outsider perspective helped.” she presses a couple of controls in the holopad, rewinding the footage to the start “I want you to pay attention to how this particular herd moves, just the one from the beginning of the video”
The footage plays again, showing the residents of the apartments rushing out, most take the stairs while a few take the elevators. There’s parents carrying their pups and some elderly being rushed along. The footage switches to the outside view where the whole herd of venlil from the apartment seems to erupt out of the front doors at the same time, it follows them for a bit until they’re closer to another group leaving their residence before Fabia pauses “Here’s where we noticed something, how much panic do you see in here?”
It’s Tunam’s turn to respond “Normal levels, i’d say, nothing out of ordinary. Which, they were expecting a raid or worse, so keep that in mind.”
Fabia nods “And that’s why the difference is important. Pay attention to their movement” she rewinds to the moment where they’re leaving the apartment building “Pay close attention to their feet” she zooms the video
The four venlil focus on it, seemingly unable to see what is happening “It takes humans at least months of training to be able to do this. They’re all moving in perfect synchrony” she rewinds one more time, and with the information out there it’s clear that at this point, this herd’s footsteps are moving in perfect lockstep “And I have severe doubts those people have any sort of training”
Onam turns his one good eye towards Fabia, then back at the footage, then back at Fabia “That… Yes, I can see that. But that has to be a fluke, if that is true then we wouldn’t have tramplings”
In response, Fabia changes footage. It shows a different apartment building, but the contents are similar: Up until the herd is a good distance away from the building their movement is synchronous and even the exit, though clearly panicked, seems to flow without injury. She shows footage from three more apartments “We thought that too, but this pattern repeats every time. This is a level of instinctive organization that’s, to me, supernatural. But at some point it breaks down”
The medical lead had his eyes closed in thought for a while now “That… Now that you say that… Stampede injuries are always outside. Well, no, not always of course. But less than twelve percent of them happen inside buildings, the vast majority happens on the streets”
The human woman passes the datapad aside, Ishikawa picks it up and calls up the footage again. It’s the same as the initial one, but it shows two herds approaching “And here’s where it breaks down. Look” he plays it as everyone pays much closer attention to the details of the video. The two different herds simply crash into each other, causing people to fall over and the two previously-synchronized groups to fall completely out of order.
Tunam’s tail swipes a short arc forwards “Ah, I see. Each herd is acting like a single unit at that point, so this situation is like two people running into each other. Now they’re on the floor and confused” he stares as the footage continues, and what was two groups ends up splitting into four completely disorganized groups “And the herds are unable to reform after that”
“This is where i’m going to introduce some specific terms we’re using here” Ishikawa adds “Specifically we’re referring to the organized movement portion as a ‘stampede’ proper. The situation where everything breaks down and they are completely disorganized we’re referring to as ‘panicked flight’, much how it is for us humans. And this specific situation that caused the breakdown of the stampede we’re calling an ‘impact’ event, given it was two herds impacting against each other”
Ishikawa then changes to a different piece of footage “And this will be the second breakdown situation we’ve recognized, a ‘command failure’ event.” he starts the footage, it’s a proper stampede, the video is from a camera on a defensive bunker proper, the masses trying to get inside are visible at the bottom of the image. Something happens in the incoming stampede, it slows down a little bit, before suddenly the back half overtakes the front half, tossing people into the ground.
“Notice how the approaching herd seems to be behaving as we’ve initially expected, even going so far as slowing down to prevent from barrelling into the people waiting to enter the bunker” he adds, before rewinding to just before the breakdown and zooming the video “But notice here, at some point those two start having a discussion while they run” the video is zoomed on a pair of venlil who seem to be shouting, though the video has no audio “Shortly after, the entire formation breaks and the rear speeds up, trampling the front”
The crimson venlil adds “They were following the one on the right…” he has a certain tone of awe on his voice “They all had their attention trained on him”
At that the female firefighter makes a questioning noise “How’d you figure that out?”
Tunam does a quick sideways flick of his ears in a dismissal move “I guess you don’t know how to see where we’re focusing our attention on when we don’t have to turn our entire heads for it. But pay attention to the ears, when they’re completely upright to take in sound they’ll be tracking whoever the focus is. As you can see, they were all focusing on the one on the right, which was the one being yelled at” he focuses on the now still image for a while “You can see he has his tail in his hands, while the one yelling at him has his chest first ruffled out.” his eye seems to focus beyond the image now “This herd didn’t break down because of another, but they lost guidance, is that it?”
Jorge sighs, but he has a slight smile “See, I told you it’d be wise to have at least one venlil in our team. Just from being able to read their body language he skipped past two weeks of comparisons”
Ishikawa gives a light sigh “But that’s correct. This is a ‘command failure’ situation. We’ve noticed that in every stampede there seems to be someone that works at least as pace setting, if not straight up herd leader. It seemed in cases to mostly be arbitrary, but once someone got in that position everyone would follow that one”
Jorge picks up the holopad again “Next up” the screen changes again, it’s another video that is quite clearly not on Venlil Prime “This one happened during peacekeeping operations on Sillis…” there’s a certain inflection of disgust in the human’s voice as he mentions ‘peacekeeping’ “You probably already know what to expect but I want you to focus on the differences here”
The video that plays out starts with what seems like a protest in front of a UN field base, the recording is from the body cam of a soldier on top of a watchtower. There’s a moderate mass of tilfish with all sorts of signs, there’s shouting. The camera turns to show an APC get close to the mass from inside the base, there’s shouting from the human guards but nothing happens, until the APC revs up its engine heavily. At the angry roar of the vehicle the protesters started to bolt, four large groups forming in different directions.
The camera follows one such group as it starts heading off down a street, unlike the venlil stampedes this one starts from moment zero with trampling and people moving into each other. At some point it’s visible someone at the middle of the formation seems to hesitate and slow down, causing the entire mass to slow down for a moment, and then someone else near the slower raises their arms. At this point this is too far from the soldier’s body camera to catch noise, but what seems to be a discussion has happened, and suddenly the stampede speeds up and the scene that follows gets considerably worse as the mass turns into a tangle of limbs cross across eachother and tearing itself apart as they try to move in the same general direction.
“It started bad” says Toss “But it got worse. I’ve never seen a stampede get worse like that”
Onam puts his tail on the table, tapping the surface gently with it “It happens as it grows in size but this group didn’t change. That did seem like a command failure situation causing it to get even worse, yes, but they seemed to already be very out of sync from the start”
The human with the holopad nods “And that’s the biggest failure of your treatment of stampedes showing itself.” he rewinds the video to when the APC starts roaring “And honestly, we were stuck on that failure mode for a while too until one of the younger members of our team spoke their mind. Pay closer attention to the amount of damage that is happening during the stampede here” they all lean closer as they watch the start again “How many wounds are you seeing?”
It’s the one-eyed venlil that answers “None… They’re not trampling eachther, they’re climbing each other, and walking under the others, somehow without hurting themselves?” his voice has a definite awe to it.
Jorge nods “Yep. Tilfish, both from their body plan and however way their kinesthetic sense works, appear to be fully capable of moving over, through and under each other like they weren’t even there. That seems to be pretty unique to their species”
It’s the red furred venlil that comments now “But they lose that coordination when the command failure happens, so they start to miss their movements and now we have limbs tangled on themselves and tearing themselves apart”
“Comparing medical reports from this with medical reports from the first incident with just venlil” starts the female firefighter “We see different wound patterns. A monospecies panicked flight of tilfish will lead primarily to damaged and removed limbs while one of venlil will lead to crushing wounds. Because your herd movement patterns and capacities are different, when the stampede fails into panicked flight the wounds are different”
Liram tilts her head to the side “That’s what you meant. We… Speh, the entire federation, has been treating stampedes like they behave the same for every species” her tail swats left to right for a while with an excessive amount of force “But this makes sense. And I presume you have an example of a species that doesn’t stampede up next, right?”
Jorge nods, moving to the next video. It shows a wide, long street “This one was recovered from the Cradle, this happens during the strikes on the orbital defenses but before the first orbital drop. Meaning, long before any ground operation starts” the video is sped up considerably at the start, the trickle of gojid into the streets is slow as to require that, but the flows from the buildings and side streets slowly thicken as more and more people start fleeing away from the camera’s direction. The mass that forms is enormous, taking up the entire street, and to flows and moves as if it wasn’t a mass of people, not even like a mass of animals, but it flows like a river, like it ceased to contain living beings and it now contained fluid particles.
Tunam, whose expression has been growing more and more serious by the moment, initiates “I… I’ve never seen a stampede like… It really shows the difference seeing the comparison, here we didn’t have groups forming at exit points and leaving, we have a slow trickle until the mass of people is…”
Ishikawa nods “Until the mass of people starts behaving like a fluid, completely detached from the will of the people inside of it” he puts his elbows in the table “Very much how it works with humans. At that point, you just need to let the flow move you and hope for the best, while trying to keep yourself safe”
Jorge zooms in the image, which appears to be sufficiently high quality to get detailed images of any particular member of the mass “You can even see the measures they take to prevent harming themselves” he directs the zoom to an area where you see the gojid have somehow arranged themselves back-to-back and front-to-front as they’re pushed and shoved, trying to avoid harming themselves on each other. It’s visible, however, they have no control over the motions as they’re simply being moved by the mass. One unlucky woman trying to hold on to some form of backpack gets pulled under the mass of bodies by the article. Most gojid seem to be taking conscious effort to keep their quills from flaring out, but many are failing and some trickle of blue can be seen on some backs
“Of course” the zoomed out area directs to a different section while zooming out “This is neither instinctual nor organized, as you can see the vast majority of the cases are like… This…” the best description of the moving mass of very sharp people being dislocated by nothing but panic and fluid forces is… A meat grinder. There’s more blue than brown visible and the speed with which the human moves the video elsewhere is quite indicative of how none of the present trained emergency workers had the stomach to witness it.
Liram has stood up “By the void… But- But- There’s gojid population on this planet! I’ve never seen anything like this when they’re involved!” there’s straight up panic in her voice.
With a command, Jorge moves on to the next slide “And that segues well into the next topic of research, multispecies stampedes” there’s a still image of a large street in the capital, mostly empty at this point “As you can imagine there’s behavioral differences in multispecies situations”
Jorge passes the holopad over to Ishikawa “This one is pretty recent, hell I still remember it myself. The kolshian probing attack” the video starts, and for a few seconds the slow foot traffic of the mostly empty street seems undeterred. Then, most everyone still walking the streets, which here in the capital means a variety of species from venlil and human to takkan and iftali, picks up their holopads at once. And with different degrees of urgency and reading speed, they start running.
Nothing seems to progress further than that other than people entering buildings, but after a while longer it happens, groups start leaving the buildings in large herds “As you can see” Ishikawa pauses “We see them exiting buildings in large groups, just as the stampeding species do” he let it play again. Just like in the first two videos the large groups seem to be moving roughly in coordination within themselves, but it seems to be a much more frail kind of coordination as the group’s form changes and shifts as the people inside adjust their position.
Ishikawa zooms into one of the groups “Here, check their movement” it’s visible that only a portion of them is moving in actual synchrony, the venlil as well as a pair of sulean and three krakotl seem to be moving very much in lockstep, and one human who seems to be acting as a leader as she points and shouts. Meanwhile the other humans, two takkan and a gojid aren’t moving quite in synchrony but seem capable of keeping themselves in formation thanks to the others around them. “Here we see the effect of a mixed species setting. The stampeding species manage to give enough structure to the group that the others can follow”
Tunam is staring intensely at the video “But that’s a very fragile configuration, isn’t it? The ones organizing on instinctive drive can’t possibly keep this much structure for long? Without training this is going to break down quickly”
Ishikawa nods “That’s what we thought as well but…” he lets the video play, and they watch that mass of bodies continue to move mostly organized down the street. At some point another equally mixed group starts approaching from the side, but one of the takkan appears to start shouting. But instead of things breaking down, what happens is that both groups merge together, there’s some minor bodily impacts but from the visible motions of the group there’s some shared apologies and they continue moving at a slower speed, matching the speed of the second group “That doesn’t happen, the whole situation is even more stable”
The video continues for a while, and Ishikawa zooms to the front of the formation. The human who’d been the apparent leader taps rather violently a venlil on the shoulder. There apparently seems to be a verbal altercation, but both give each other affirmative visual cues and the venlil speeds up a little bit. And the rest of the herd matches pace as the group changes direction to another street “And this is a smooth change of command, presumably the human that’d been the unofficial lead figured out who knew the shortest path to the bunker and they’ve began following him instead”
The crimson venlil sinks down in his chair “That’s… I’ve never seen a stampede move quite like that, even multispecies ones. It has to be you…”
“Much as i’d love to give us all the credit” Jorge starts “I don’t quite think it is. Or rather, it’s not something i’d say is inherently human. If it was, once that group changed command they’d break down, or it wouldn’t be able to merge that easily with a takkan mediating. No, I think it was just those specific humans being able to keep their cool that helped it.”
He looks at Tunam for a half second before continuing “Everyone else seems to be… Very prone to panicking quickly. And while we’re just as prone to panic we don’t seem to get there as fast as the others. For some reason. Keeping a bit of a calmer head allows the prevention of command failures and the overall effect of reducing the panic level in a herd enough that any member present has enough wits to negotiate through an impact as well”
Upon noticing Tunam’s souring expression, Ishikawa gives the pad another command to move on to the next video “To give a bit more context to an important part of the behavior we’re analyzing here, we have this one footage of what is essentially a stampede event, but not one most people would recognize as such”
It seems to be footage of Sillis again, most obvious by the number of tilfish present. The footage is from a cargo hauling drone in a work site by a river at the bottom of a dam. There are a handful of humans, a half dozen venlil and a gojid all wearing construction uniforms identifying them as part of one of the UN relief forces, the various tilfish around are also wearing bright construction vests and protective gear and with the exception of two of them, they seem to be trying their best to stay away from the others. Suddenly, the gojid who’s near the river looks down at his feet, then starts running away shouting. At that everyone other than the tilfish start running as well, the group slows down for a moment as the tilfish workers run towards the group and they all continue together up a hill. A few seconds after they crest the hill there’s suddenly water in the worksite as the dam cracks and collapses. The group stops at the top of the hill, and quickly they’ve brought up holopads to start doing damage assessment as a few head closer to the rushing waters.
“This, as you can see, looks nothing like what you expect out of a stampede. We’ve interviewed those workers remotely to get a better grasp of what happened” Fabia adds “Thanks to their sensitivity to ground vibrations, the gojid worker caught the dam’s damage early and called for the others to run, which caused the work crew to evacuate to higher ground.” she waves at Ishikawa, who rewinds the video and zooms on the group as it runs “As you can see, we have the organized movement of a stampede proper” and known his cue he skips ahead to the group on top of the hill “And they stopped quickly, as well.
The human with reddened skin rewinds the video again to show the moment the group slows down “And here’s the particular detail I want you to pay attention to. Notice the group formed when the gojid called out the emergency, but only two tilfish joined it. The two that were already talking with the UN forces”
Onam tilts his head, clearly in thought as his blind eye is facing the screen now “You’re saying there’s an influence of familiarity?”
In answer, Ishikawa shakes his head in negative “Yes and no, we believe this is an effect of threat-assessment. The two that trusted the veracity of the information about the danger moved as quickly as the rest of the herd, which had managed to form thanks to the presence of the venlil and tilfish. Only after the other tilfish recognized those two did they start moving”
“And the whole group slowed down for them, without breaking apart” the crimson venlil adds “This is very much not anything we’d consider a stampede, however as you said the synchronized movement happens and they even managed to clear through the obstacles in a surprisingly safe manner on the way out”
Jorge picks up the holopad again and moves on to the next slide “So to sum up our theories. Certain species have an innate capacity of large-numbers collective movement, what we call a stampede is simply that natural capacity displaying itself during mass flight. That capacity can be harnessed to reduce casualties of panicked flight by giving the moving group an organized form, but only as long as the organization can be sustained. This mass movement capacity also applies to situations where other species would still perform in an organized fashion, but its instinctive nature severely speeds up the process.”
Before he can continue, however, Tunam mutters a little too loudly “But the results you’re going to give us are going to be the same brahking thing as always”
Jorge ignores the muttering “To begin with we’re going to suggest a system similar to the fire brigades we have on Earth. Essentially, any group large enough, such as a company or an apartment building, needs to have a handful of people with some training in emergency procedures for fire escape, so they can guide the rest of the people.”
Ishikawa intrudes “And in countries with higher seismic activities like mine, those procedures also include how to deal with earthquakes for example”
Jorge nods, and takes a deep breath “Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Your threat-assessment skills are horrible, for some reason- No, I think for reasons we’re all acquainted well enough by now, you’re all very likely to jump at shadows, far more than you should. However, your flight responses are part of your nature, trying to fight your nature never, ever works, you always have to work with it.” he’s staring directly at Tunam, who has met his stare with his right eye “So the primary suggestion is to introduce a form of ‘emergency herd lead’ training in organizations so that we’re certain there are individuals capable of keeping command and a lower baseline of chaos during a stampede event as well as further research into better methods of performing such a function”
Tunam doesn’t flinch from the stare “Come on, say it”
“No. As much as I’d love to say something like what you think I will, I’ll be honest. You guys expect to face orbital bombardment threats with enough frequency that civilian bunkers are part of city planning. Not a human alive today could imagine living in this nightmare their entire lives, I’m going to give you some credit here. Plus, in real threat situations as seen in the last video, you have very beneficial threat responses.” Jorge adds
Jorge waits for a few moments, then continues “That concludes the presentation of the early findings and initial measures we’ve identified. It should be noted that this topic will require much further research, preferably from a multidisciplinary group with representatives of multiple species. Though those findings may be applicable at the present our suggestion is that any action taken at this moment be only provisional and on an experimental level until further research can be made”
Onam stands up “Very well, with that I declare the meeting concluded” he takes in a deep breath and sits back down, making an annoyed sound with his voice as he swats his tail to the side “What is it about you humans that you could see all those things?”
Fabia shrugs, sitting more relaxed in her chair “I don’t think it’s something special, we’re just outsiders with a different perspective.”
A loud screeching noise can be heard, and as everyone turns to face Tunam the source of the noise is visible as the hand he had on the table had dug its claws into it “It’s not like we haven’t found out those things before, isn’t it?” he doesn’t seem to be directing his words to anyone in particular
The one-eyed venlil tilts his head to the side “We did have that work group almost fifteen cycles ago. I remember they were considering a suggestion like what we just had right now, but the work group never went anywhere and we never got any real results”
Tunam stands up suddenly, sending his chair scattering “One more to the list I guess…” there’s a tiredness to his voice “I should figure out where they wound up…” he turns around and goes to leave “We’re done here, yes? I should go” and stalks out.
The remaining people in the room look at his exit confusedly, as Ishikawa comes over to turn off the camera the others can be seen leaving.

What I've mostly seen in the night sky is energy orbs. They move in various directions, and don't exist as a typical understanding of aircraft. People can write it off as gov, but what I've seen goes further. Yet, what I've seen of that sense, I don't think is all there is. I just think it's a particular phenomenon of something greater.
I'm at a point where I think it's mostly a magical thing, not a technological thing. I think aliens live among us already, like the movie 'Men in Black', but I don't think it's anything like the movie. I think there's a demonic force, but I don't think it's anything like religion. I think it's closer to goblin myths and mythological creatures and beings than something science fictional. Yet, I think that's only part of it.
I perceive it all run by dark or black magic. I think the dark magic tries to make the demonic aliens seem scarier and more powerful than they really are. I think the technology aspect was just to rope us into traps to be addicted to it. I think the technology we use is part of the black magic, and the entire agenda was so that if I mention a comment like this, it's sounds schizo and from the dark ages. That talks about aliens using magic, sounds like a paranoid conspiracy.
Last year, for a couple months, I cut myself off from a lot of things, including computers and cell phones. I realized that television is the main weapon. I started theorizing that if TV were a computer system itself, like 'Big Brother', can it invent and create whatever it wants in reality, kind of like 'Hunger Games'? If it's all simulation, is there any way to fight back? Did the aliens create TV and radio?
I found that the main weapon is studio laughter. 'Laugh at the crazy guy!'
So, I started digging through my own past, and realized the apathy of the US nation is controlled by studio laughter. I theorized it's part of a security system and is some type of government psyops program to apathetize the world, making TV seem godlike. I know that sounds crazy, but they even had studio laughter in 'Scooby-Doo'.
Once I got past the laughter, I noticed the 'hive mind' seemed like a security system too. Remember, if it's a simulation, then what's real?
The two main things that stood out are nature and the stars. I think the security system is designed to make one be cut off from the stars and nature. I think that's the main agenda. It sounds simple, but I really think that it just is. There's probably more to it, but when nothing can be trusted as truth, how would anyone really know?
Can anyone relate to this discussion? I don't care if you think I sound crazy. If you want to berate me for how crazy I sound, go ahead. I'm just trying to put a different spin on it, because when it's fantasy over science fiction, it's not as scary. What I'd like is to get the real truth, if any can be found.
One of the reasons I'm posting this is because people give a lot of comments in other posts that it's just a simulation. So, I'm also opening up the discussion for simulation.
If you think this is not about UFOs, I would put it back on the idea that what is being disclosed recently within media may be a diversion or half truth, or that everyone thinks it's about technology, when I'm suggesting it might be magical. So, in relation to what's coming out in the news, is the 'shipwrecked craft' a diversion of something bigger? Could the something bigger be magical, as opposed to technological? That's the connection, if you're trying to say that my post isn't on topic.

What I've mostly seen in the night sky is energy orbs. They move in various directions, and don't exist as a typical understanding of aircraft. People can write it off as gov, but what I've seen goes further. Yet, what I've seen of that sense, I don't think is all there is. I just think it's a particular phenomenon of something greater.
I'm at a point where I think it's mostly a magical thing, not a technological thing. I think aliens live among us, like the movie 'Men in Black', but I don't think it's anything like the movie. I think there's a demonic force, but I don't think it's anything like religion. I think it's closer to goblin myths and mythological creatures than something science fiction.
I perceive it all run by dark or black magic. I think the dark magic tries to make the demonic aliens seem scarier and more powerful than they really are. I think the technology aspect was just to rope us into traps to be addicted to it. I think the technology we use is part of the black magic, and the entire agenda was so that if I mention a comment like this, it's sounds schizo and from the dark ages. That talks about aliens using magic sounds like a paranoid conspiracy.
Last year, for a couple months, I cut myself off from a lot of things, including computers and cell phones. I realized that television is the main weapon. I started theorizing that if TV were a computer system itself, like 'Big Brother', can it invent and create whatever it wants in reality, kind of like 'Hunger Games'? If it's all simulation, is there any way to fight back?
I found that the main weapon is studio laughter. 'Laugh at the crazy guy!' So, I started digging through my own mind, and realized the apathy of the US nation is controlled by studio laughter. I realized it's part of a security system and was a government psyops program to apathetize the world, making TV seem godlike. I know that sounds crazy, but they even had studio laughter in 'Scooby-Doo'.
Once I got past the laughter, I noticed the 'hive mind' seemed like a security system too. Remember, if it's a simulation, then what's real?
The two main things that stood out are nature and the stars. I think the security system is designed to make one be cut off from the stars and nature. I think that's the main agenda. It sounds simple, but I really think that it just is. There's probably more to it, but when nothing can be trusted as truth, how would anyone really know?
Can anyone relate to this discussion? I don't care if you think I sound crazy. If you want to berate me for how crazy I sound, go ahead. I'm just trying to put a different spin on it, because when it's fantasy over science fiction, it's not as scary. What I'd like is to get the real truth, if any can be found.

My Brony Archive Youtube Channel

NOTE: This channel is not monetized and never will be.
Welcome to my archive project! Here I am re-uploading a variety of videos related to My Little Pony and the Brony fandom that are no longer on Youtube. Thanks to the people at Pony Archive and Archive.org for preserving all of these videos, I found the vast majority of these videos from those two places. Without those people, most of this content would be long lost.
Below is information and playlist links to all the content I have already re-uploaded. All of these playlists can also be found on my channel page. If any of you have personal copies or links to any missing videos from the below channels that are not on my channel, please let me know! There is almost certainly content from these people I am still missing! And if you have any recommendations for videos you want me to find archives of, please let me know that as well! If you have any personal archives of videos you would like to send me to re-upload, send them to my Google drive. My Gmail is [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Wubcake: All the videos I could find from Wubcake's old channel. Featured a variety of creative content mainly related to My Little Pony and Equestria Girls. Videos include comic dubs, fanfic readings, animatics, song covers/parodies, fun Skype calls with voice actors messing around, and a bunch of dubs and parodies.
Sawtooth Waves: All of the videos I could find from Sawtooth Waves' channel. Features a lot of MLP analysis content plus some music stuff, and a few meme videos.
Miscellaneous Creative Content: This playlist group consists of character dubs and songs from Alioopster and Kira Buckland (aka Rina-Chan), and comedic parodies and pmvs from HeavyWeaponsBaby, BronyVids, & Weegy. Other playlists here include pmvs from old deleted pmv channels, a few random comedy videos, a couple missing Silly Filly Studios animations, 4 missing comic readings by Pitch & Magpie Productions, a few missing songs from BluNoseReindeer, and a covedub of the MLP Japanese opening by Awkward Marina.
Mysterious Mr. Enter, Digibrony, & BronyCurious: The playlist "Mysterious Mr. Enter Missing Videos" includes every other deleted, privatized, unlisted, or copyright blocked Mr. Enter video I could find, some of which are deleted reviews relating to MLP. I also have all of his MLP content put together in the playlist "Mysterious Mr. Enter MLP Reviews"
As for Digibro, her MLP content mainly consisted of reviews/analysis, along with some random comedic and podcast stuff. The playlist "Digibrony's MLP Era" consists of every video that I have found that Digi made during from December 2012 to May 2014, plus the occasional MLP video she made later on thrown in at the bottom of the playlist. The playlist "Digibrony's MLP Reviews" consists of her scripted MLP reviews only. Also, both playlist descriptions includes links to text blogs Digi wrote about MLP episodes, most of which had video versions that are lost and I have been unable to find. If there is any MLP related content from her I have missed, please let me know.
As for BronyCurious, the playlist "Tommy Oliver 3D (BronyCurious) Deleted/Unlisted Videos" contains every unlisted/privated video I could find from TommyOliver3D/BronyCurious. And the playlist "BronyCurious MLP Reviews" contains only the MLP reviews he made. Sadly, a lot of Tommy Oliver's old MLP content appears to be lost. It is also very much possible that there are some Wayback archives for videos that I missed, considering that it was hard to find links. So, if any of you have links or personal copies to any videos I am missing from him, please let me know.
Miscellaneous Review Content: This playlist group consists of some reviews related to MLP by TheoryBrony, LethalAuroraMage, Clover Keen, and Quilled Inc. It also includes some deleted Pieguyrulz videos, including a MLP related discussion video he did plus some deleted episodes of his Re-Cast podcast (although those aren’t MLP related). There is also a playlist for missing Schaffrillas Productions videos, including his Blue Sky Studios ranking that was recently copyright blocked.
Old Saberspark Videos: Every Deleted Saberspark video I could find, mainly funny comedy skits relating to MLP and bronies! He also made monthly “Top 10 Pony Videos” and “Top 10 Pony Songs” during 2012, so good fandom time capsule!
Old PaleoSteno Videos: Every deleted/private video I could find from PaleoSteno (both his old and current channels)! Mostly consisting of reviews, discussions, and convention panels, and some “Top 10 Pony Songs" during 2013, so another good fandom time capsule!
"Brony Breakdown" with Saberspark & PaleoSteno Podcast (Everfree Network): "Brony Breakdown is a livestream show hosted by Saberspark and Paleo. Each week, we will cover and discuss topics that have occurred throughout the previous week. From the comings and goings of voice actors to major events in the fandom, we strive to keep you updated on what is going on the Brony community. Along with that, we will showcase our personal picks of fan content from the past week. Sometimes it is a silly video, other times it is a beautiful piece of music! The possibilities are endless and that is half the fun of digging through content in the fandom! So tune in for your weekly dose of news and fan creations from the world of Bronies!"
EmuEmi's "Pegasisters Live" Podcast (Everfree Network): "A live stream show that is hosted by EmuEmi & Sondra W.! Weekly we bring news from the show and fandom, interviews and the occasional charity auction or giveaway, all from a girl's perspective!"
I highly recommend the Brony Breakdown & Pegasisters Live podcasts in particular if you are nostalgic for 2012-2013 brony stuff. They both had very entertaining hosts, reacted to a bunch of news and fandom content from the time, and had several great guests, including Grey DeLisle (voice of Daphne of Scooby Doo and many others), M.A. Larson (MLP writer), Cathy Weseluck (voice of Spike from MLP), Brenda Crichlow (voice of Zecora from MLP), SoGreatandPowerful, Nowacking, ACRacebest, BlackGryph0n, Living Tombstone, PinkiePieSwear, and others). Due to all of this, these podcasts are fantastic time capsules for the golden age of the brony fandom.
"Post My Video" with JHaller & BVids Podcast (Everfree Network): "A show where we talk about the animations, PMVs and parodies produced by the MLP community as well as talk to their creators, post tutorials and more!" - Great time capsule when it comes to all of the old fandom creative content since this show dives deep into that side of the fandom.
Radiant Eclipse Podcast (Everfree Network): "Radiant Eclipse is a modular, segment-based talkshow produced by The Vanacus Blog exclusively for EverFree Radio. Every week features a special guest. Some of them are well known by our community, as well as many other talented Bronies you never knew existed! Our program offers relevant news and comical trivia. When you tune in, you'll be just as entertained as you are informed. We select the most interesting topics so you don't have to!"
Reading Rainboom (Everfree Network): "Reading Rainboom is a bi-weekly show dedicated to producing high quality readings of Friendship is Magic fan fiction. Featuring a large cast of experienced voice actors to provide voices for the characters in addition to the usual narrator, the show aims to provide you with a more immersive and varied reading, more akin to a radio play than an audio book."
Other Everfree Network Content: Some other Everfree Network shows are mostly still public, but there were a few missing episodes I managed to find, so I uploaded those. I made playlists combining the still public content with my re-uploads. This playlist group includes all of the Everfree Network podcasts/shows listed above plus these additional ones, which are Equestria Inquirer, DustyKatt's Stay Brony My Friends, & Michelle Creber's Saturday Night Songs. The remaining Everfree Network content is still on their Youtube channel.
Bronyville Podcast: “Okay, so there's this show called My Little Pony: Friendship is magic. It's not what you normally expect from a show for little girls. It's crazy good, expertly animated and cast, and has spawned this community called the 'bronies'. Join two bronies, Apple Cider and Chef Sandy, as they discuss episodes, culture, community events, and a ton more. Come on, all those stars on the side don't lie!”
The Bronyville Podcast was a popular brony podcast that ran from early 2011 through 2016, it's a goldmine of ancient fandom content and discussion. The podcasts are very interesting time capsules, with a lot of interviews with famous people in the fandom at that time as well as reviews of Seasons 1-5 episodes as they came out and speculation about the future seasons. With how early the podcast started (April 2011!), it captures the entire golden age of the brony fandom. On top of that, it's an entertaining and fun podcast.
ToonKriticY2K: Disclaimer: If you are unaware this user has admitted to engaging in predatory behavior with a variety of minors (which is why he deleted his channel and essentially had to cut off his online presence). Everyone else who appeared in these videos in all likelihood had no idea what he did and later cut off all ties with him when they found out. These reuploads are not an endorsement of anything ToonKritic2YK has done, and will be for archival purposes only. If his presence understandably bothers you, I would recommend not watching these videos. I reuploaded them because many people enjoyed the videos at the time and I believe that those who want to watch them should still be easily able to. Especially since there are still many collabs he was in on other channels that are still public on Youtube, and many of his videos featured other well known bronies such as Joshscorcher in them (who all later denounced and cut off from ToonKritic and are still in good standing with the community). The content mainly consists of MLP reviews and other fandom content such as podcasts and convention vlogs, and game livestreams with friends.

Which characters in Mad Men are just like the characters in Scooby Doo? I mean Daphne is totally obvious it's Joan, and Peggy oh my god VELMA and Fred ... mayyybe Stan? Which I guess makes Ginsberg Shaggy? So who is Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo LOL?

Three days ago, my housemates were alive.
And I wasn't losing my fucking mind.
Three days ago, I awoke to my housemate, Misty, shaking me.
“Get up!!”
Misty was usually the last to roll out of bed out of all of us, so I figured it was something important. My housemate wouldn’t get out of bed for nothing. She valued her sleep—often comparing her bed to a safe haven. Her place of solitude. I was right there with her, until she startled me out of slumber. I opened my eyes to find her face roughly three inches from mine, her expression lit up with excitement I couldn’t justify this early in the morning.
She smelled of toothpaste breath and her raspberry scented body wash. Her thick black curls framing her face were still damp from what I presumed was a shower, hanging in tangled knots in front of wide, almost unseeing eyes. When I first met her, Misty Kang had been my crush for a while. With a Korean father and a Texan mother, she definitely caught eyes when we hung out. We had a thing in freshman year, which quickly fizzled out once we started living together. Never date your housemates.
I will just say that.
Over the last few years, Misty has become one of my closest friends.
When she knew I was at least conscious, my housemate was grabbing my arm and yanking me out of bed. “Get up!”
I was barely awake, and those were the only words I could fully distinguish.
I shooed her away for a moment and swung my legs out of bed, taking a minute to blink sunlight out of my eyes coming through the blinds. “Sam.” Misty was in front of me again.
I don’t think she understood the concept of being half asleep.
She wouldn’t leave me alone, waving her arms wildly. Her shadow under the soft morning light almost reminded me of one of those inflatable tube guys.
“Huh?” My voice was a low croak, and her smile widened.
“Guess who’s just scored tickets for an actual screening of the first five minutes of gameplay for the most anticipated game of the decade?”
“What?” Her string of words wasn’t making sense in my caffeine deprived mind. It just sounded like gibberish to me, initially.
Like we were in some cheesy commercial, she was the lead, and I was the confused NPC with the WTF expression. But when I went over it in my head, words started to slide together like a jigsaw puzzle. Misty didn’t get excited about video games. Well, she did. Though, my housemate was one to get excited on behalf of someone else. After living with her for a while now, I had concluded she was a follower.
By that, I mean whatever others thought or did or said, she copied it. If her Twitter followers were mad at bad takes, she would drop all of her own opinions on said follower and focus on what other people said. We had Korean barbecue for takeout the other day, and Misty clearly did not like it from the creased look on her face, and her very obviously spitting it politely into a napkin.
Jay, my other housemate, liked it.
And so did I. So, naturally, Misty announced she wanted more.
I had to watch her suffer through two more portions before she excused herself—presumably to throw up. Blinking at my housemate who was clearly excited for Jay, I resisted the overwhelming urge to roll my eyes.
“Slow down. What game? What are you talking about?”
I got out of bed and threw on my robe, half aware of the mess from last night on my desk. Another attempt to finish an essay which just wasn’t happening. The monster energy cans and takeout Chinese wrappers were embarrassing. I got a basic run-through as I headed downstairs with Misty right behind me, practically breathing down my neck. From what I understood, there was a Reddit post.
That was all I got from Misty’s squealing. She leapt down the stairs after me with a spring in her step. The clock above the front door told me it wasn’t even 9am. The smell of bacon, however, was quick to arise me from the dead.
Jay was in the kitchen making breakfast. I noticed his laptop was open on the table, and every so often he’d peer at it with wide, almost disbelieving eyes. Jay and Misty were complete opposites, which made them great people to live with. Jay was a quiet book who was slightly on the pretentious side, routinely quoting something philosophical to piss me off.
He had rich parents on the other side of the world, but the guy himself was fairly humble and had mostly detached himself from said family.
My housemate was usually well put together. In fact, I barely saw him in his pajamas, excluding game nights. That morning, however, he was a disheveled mess, still in yesterday’s clothes.
He offered me a grin. I glimpsed sauce from last night’s dinner still staining his chin. Jay hadn’t brushed his hair or even put on deodorant.
I caught a whiff of BO when he ducked in front of me, his gaze glued to his MacBook. It was rare when Jay ignored basic hygiene, so yeah, I was going to guess this was a pretty huge thing. “I did tell her not to wake you up, y’know.”
His slight aussie accent was always refreshing on a morning. Born in Australia and moving to the states when he was ten years old, Jay still had a slight tinge in his accent. I had seen pictures of his family, and the guy had definitely gotten most of his dad’s genes, thick brown hair, and freckles. While his dad was built like a pro wrestler however, Jay was leaner like his mom.
I shrugged. “I was already awake.”
“Liar.” He didn’t look away from his laptop.
Looking closer, I glimpsed the Reddit homepage.
“So, you have won something.”
Jay didn’t answer. I could tell he was excited by the way he could barely keep still, bustling around the kitchen, barefoot. “Coffee?”
His voice was more of a Misty-like squeak, and I half wondered for a moment if they had switched bodies, or he had at least become one with my other housemate through a chemical explosion. In our kitchen, which was yet to be cleaned after a cooking disaster several nights ago, I wouldn’t be surprised if something was living on the countertop. I nodded, slumping into a chair. “What’s going on? Why is Misty freaking out?” I nodded at his laptop. “She said you’ve won something?”
As if my housemate couldn’t hold it in anymore, he nodded, turning his screen towards me. “You know____, right?”
“Yes.” I sipped my coffee, eyeing a toaster strudel sitting on the countertop. "You mean the game which has been coming out for a decade."
He ignored that. “Well, what if I told you one of the developer’s posted on the official sub this morning?”
“For _____?"
He nodded with a grin, and I wondered it this was one of those rare times when Jay was blindly looking through a red flag to see what he wanted. I had heard of these types of scams, and Reddit was a breeding ground for them.
Gamers were pretty intense. I didn’t realize I was pulling a face until I caught his lips curving into a smile. Jay was usually the skeptical one.
“You don’t believe me.”
I downed my coffee to avoid replying. When I had drained the cup, he was still staring at me with amused eyes.
“What?”
“You think it’s bullshit.”
I shrugged. “You said it,” I said. “I’m pretty sure that game isn’t even partway through development. Didn’t Twitter leak a still last year? Also, they’ll be bringing out a new console before that game comes out.”
I leaned back in my chair. “It’s more of a pipe dream, at this point.”
“The leaks were fake,” Even he didn’t look sure. “Anyway, that’s not the point. One of the dev’s posted on the official sub this morning. He asked if we were all excited for the new game, asked if we could post some of our favorite NPC dialogue, and he’ll DM winners.”
“Uh-huh.” I nodded at the screen. I had already checked my phone for an internet meltdown concerning this post, but there was nothing. “And where is that post now?”
Jay didn’t look at me. “It was deleted. So it only reached a certain number of people.”
“Oh, it was deleted?” I couldn’t resist a smile. “What a coincidence.”
When I laughed, Jay scowled, showing me his screen—navigating his trackpad to his Reddit DM’s.
To my surprise, there was actually a message from what I guessed was a throw-away account.
While I was skim reading the DM, Misty hurried in, all dressed and ready for the day. I peeked at her outfit from Jay's laptop. Cute.
Extravagant, but cute. My housemate cranked the radio up before bouncing between us, a toaster strudel hanging out of her mouth.
Misty was a living animated character. Ignoring her wide smile, I turned back to the screen. “Congratulation!!” The DM started with capitals.
It took me reading it twice to realize there was a clear spelling mistake. I sent Jay a pointed look, but he was too busy practically vibrating with excitement. If the guy had any more caffeine, he was going to explode. “Since when did winning DM’s start with a typo?”
“I knew you were going to say that.” Jay curled his lip. “They were clearly excited when typing the message.”
“But this is supposedly an official,” I said. “Surely they would make sure it’s professional?”
My housemate didn’t reply, shooting a look at Misty, who rolled her eyes.
“Wow.” I squinted at the screen. “I am so sorry for caring about your safety. You do realize these types of scam’s usually end up with you being sold on the black market, right?”
I shuddered. “I’ve heard horror stories about underground markets specializing in illegal organ harvesting.”
“Or…” Jay’s eyes were glued to the screen. “You could be happy for me?”
I frowned at the rest of the message, which was just a capitalized freak-out about the upcoming release of the game, before inviting Jay (and a friend!) to a five-minute preview of gameplay, as well as a Q&A. There was a location and a time, which was brow-raising. “10 at night.” I said. “Who hosts a gaming convention at 10pm?” I leaned my chin on my fist. “Unless they wanted to lure as many gullible people as possible, and ship them to some organ harvesting factory on the other side of the world.”
Jay scoffed. “That’s dark.”
“You’re actually considering going to a 10pm gaming convention in the middle of nowhere. I’m trying to wake you up.”
Jay nudged me that time. “It’s real. Relax.”
“And.” I pointed to the screen. “No phones? Why would they ask you not to bring your phones?”
“To stop us filming content,” Misty sang. “Duh.”
I groaned, leaning back in my chair. “You’re on his side? This is clearly shady!” I didn’t get mad unless something was seriously pissing me off, and this was one of those times. Jay was a smart guy. There was no way he was falling for this bullshit. I thought he was joking around when he spent the day tracking the location on Google Maps. I went to class like normal and got updates through text. At lunch, Jay agreed with me and said it was in fact shady, and he wasn’t going. By afternoon classes, he was texting me in paragraphs explaining his own skepticism but had found several “friends” on an online forum who were also going and had changed his mind once again. The guy couldn’t make up his mind. He was driving me crazy.
Misty sent me several videos of Jay pacing the kitchen with his MacBook in his hands. She was broadcasting his mental breakdown via Instagram stories. But then she started to send me pictures of herself in different outfits, asking me for my opinion on each one. At that point, I turned my phone off. My housemates had lost their fucking minds. I did my own research though, just to make sure I wasn’t actually going to lose them to a shady cult.
I searched for the game itself, but just as I thought, it was shown as still in development. Every “update” was just fan speculation.
There were YouTube videos and TikTok’s of fake leaks, but nothing was real. It was either AI generated, or badly edited. By the time my classes had ended and I had turned my phone on, I had a barrage of missed calls and texts.
Most of them were from Misty with her outfit changes, and Jay changing his mind again.
This time he was convinced it was all a scam, his texts full of typos and crying emoji's which he never used. Before it hit me that Misty was most likely using his phone to text me.
I was right. When I walked through the door, I was greeted by both of them sitting on the stairs. Misty was scrolling through Jay’s phone, while the boy had his head in his hands. According to Misty’s last text, he was back to being excited to go.
From the look on his face, eyes shadowed with sleep circles, light brown curls slipping from under his hood, I wasn’t sure what Misty meant by “excited”. The guy looked the complete opposite. His mind had been consumed by the game, and the idea of seeing new content.
When I dropped my bag and folded my arms, fixing the two of them with my best disapproving parent look, Misty jumped to her feet. “Sam!” she waved Jay’s phone at me. “Did you get my texts? We’re actually going now!”
The 100+ texts on both messenger and iMessage said otherwise.
I nodded, my gaze on Jay. “Both of you do realize it’s a scam, right?” I softened my tone despite growing progressively more irritated. We were grown adults, not kids. I could understand a group of teenagers falling for it, but two twenty-three-year-olds?
This time, I ducked in front of Jay. “Hey.” I pulled down his hood, and he groaned, burying his head in his knees. “I don’t want to freak you out, so listen to me, okay?”
I exhaled out a breath. “I’m not saying something bad is going to happen to you, because it most likely won’t—and yes, I admit I’m being paranoid.” When he lifted his head, blinking through bedraggled curls, there was a faint smile on his lips. “But.” I said. “You are most likely going to end up disappointed. Which I don’t want, because you won't shut up about it for weeks."
I was only partly joking.
For a moment, I thought my housemate was going to wake up, and nod, laughing at how crazy it was.
Before shook his head and jumped up.
“I’m going to take a shower, alright? I should start getting ready."
I admit, I exploded at him.
We argued while he was in the shower, and I paced up and down the hallway, coming up with multiple reasons why he was definitely going to die, and only two positives if it was in fact real. In the end, I gave up worrying all together. I didn’t say anything when the two of them were hurrying around looking for shoes and missing car keys. I didn’t realize they were gone until the door was clanging shut, and a text was coming through. I didn’t look at it until an hour later, and I had calmed down.
Jay: 1h ago: Stop worrying, lmao. We’re good! I’ll keep my phone just in case. I’ll make sure to avoid the organ harvesting 😉
Another from Misty a few minutes later: “Love you! Chillll, kay? 😭😭 It’s going to be fun! I’ll take pics!”
…
Followed by: “Oh shit, we can’t. I’ll try to sneak some!"
Attached to the text was a photo of the two of them. Misty with a wide smile and a peace sign, and Jay who looked like he was mid-shout, his eyes on the road.
Those texts were… at least comforting, I guessed. Maybe they were right. I figured I was paranoid, and they in fact would really be okay.
But that didn’t stop the anxious coil in my gut when I tried to force down takeout pizza. I attempted to focus on my essay to distract myself, but I couldn’t stop glancing at my phone, and checking Twitter. There was a hashtag on the DM, which was just “PlayStationGO.” When I searched for it, however, nothing came up.
Sure, it was a private convention and only a select few knew about it, but nothing could escape Twitter.
Somewhere, someone must be talking about it. After scrolling through endless tweets though, I realized I was wrong. There was nothing.
That put a bad taste in my mouth.
10pm came, and I held my breath all the way through a Netflix TV show I was forcing myself to watch, half asleep, slumped at my desk.
I could barely distinguish the plot.
I just had a vague idea of the character names, and some of their motivations.
Midnight passed, and I was struggling to stay awake.
I glanced at my phone.
No messages, just a notification from Spotify reminding me my favorite band was playing nearby.
1am.
Still nothing. I fell back to sleep.
2:48am.
This time, I stayed awake for a few minutes glaring at my phone before my eyes grew heavy.
3:16: am.
My phone buzzed with a text from Jay, but I could barely desipher it: "can't feel help my head hurts Canshdhsn727272_6798mi/!! _&go home please. (Sent from: PlayStationGo™️ BETA)."
3:27: am.
3:54: am. I was wide awake, blinking at a notification which had popped up from an unknown number. I was trying to figure out what number it was, when my phone vibrated again and I almost jumped out of my skin.
After a moment of hesitation, I answered it.
I was trying so hard not to think of the possibility of it being the emergency room, or even worse, the cops.
All of my worst nightmares had come true in a single second.
“Hello?” I whispered in a croak.
“Are they in the house with you?” The stranger’s voice came through in a hiss of interference.
His words sent my mediocre dinner lurching back up my throat. “What?” I managed to get out. “Who?”
“Your friends.” He said, and I leapt to unsteady feet, my gut twisting and turning.
“No.” I found myself taking slow strides toward the window, brushing back the curtain and peering out into the night. “Why? Did something happen to them?” I paused.
“How did you get my number?”
“That does not matter.” His voice rattled in my ear as I rushed downstairs, almost stumbling down the bottom two. “I need you to get out of that house. Now. Get as far away as possible.”
I could hear his rapid breaths.
He was driving. I could hear the rumble of the engine. With my phone pressed to my ear, I obeyed his instructions, pulling open the door and stepping out into the cool night, a brisk breeze grazing my bare arms was just enough to stop my thoughts spiraling.
I was barefoot, in nothing but a robe, staggering down the driveway. The night was calm and silent; our neighborhood was asleep, each window drowned in darkness. I couldn’t breathe, my clammy fingers wrapped around my phone, as this stranger broke down over the phone. “Whatever you do,” he gasped out.
“Do not, I repeat DO NOT remove the PlayStationGo—shit!! He hissed out, static rattling the call. The guy seemingly got ahold of himself, and the wheel, and continued. I started to walk—where I was going, I had no idea.
The stranger lit a cigarette. I heard the click of a lighter and his exhalation of breath. “It was a BETA version, but we had to rush it. This was not my idea. My boss is a greedy man. He wanted to release the game last year, which would have meant widespread infection. Luckily, that did not happen. We did manage to delay it, but only by a year.” His words barely made sense to me as I struggled to get a word in, peering in the dark. “It was supposed to be a virtual experience of the game—a whole new angle of gameplay. But testing was difficult. First, on monkey’s, we lost multiple subjects. Tonight was supposed to be a…well, I guess you could call it out first attempt on human subjects,” his laugh was bitter. “I knew the tech wasn’t finished. And I tried. Believe me, I fucking tried. I tried to blow the whistle, but these bastards know where my parents live."
Something squirmed its way down my spine.
“So my friends were lab rats?” I said stiffly. “You used them?”
I fucking knew it.
I knew it was too good to be true.
“Yes and no. Listen to me, the people I work for are hunting them down. Trust me, I don’t want my bosses to find them because a life of experimentation will await them. Torture. Do you hear me? It does not matter if subjects fail. They don’t care. As long as there is at least a light at the end of the tunnel for them, they will see it as a win, and bring the publication date closer. They will not be treated as humans. Your friends signed a contract before trying out the tech, where the small print stated that, under section 3, player engagement, all subjects must agree to offer themselves as participants in later updates. I silently cursed Jay for always skipping the terms and conditions when buying games." The man stopped to breathe.
“I have told you multiple times, and I won’t say it again. Get as far away from that house as possible. I will take care of them. I will make sure of it." The sound of squealing engines, and I stopped power walking, coming to an abrupt stop. The silence of the night around me, compared to the sound of the highway he was on, traffic horns and the wind rushing through the window was an eerie contrast, a disturbance to the heavenly bubble we were trapped in.
“What do you mean ‘take care of them?” I had to swallow a yell. “Hey! What are you talking about?
“I’m sorry.” Was all he replied with. “I’m afraid it is too late. There was once an opportunity to save the mind during the initial level of the demonstration. However, once the PlaystationGo has been fully attached to the base of the subject, we no longer have control of it. Once integrating itself into the cerebral cortex, the PlayStationGo can only be removed by signing out of the player’s account,” his breath was heavy. “On this unfortunate occasion, however, your friends are unable to navigate the system due to a malfunction which scrambled their brains,” He trailed off. “Which has left them stranded in the game."
I let out a breath. “Right.” I said. “That’s.. bad. I mean, it’s a fucked-up piece of technology, but they’re just playing a game, right?”
There was a pause, before the man laughed.
“Young man, I don’t think you understand,” he said. “The PlayStationGo was created to give the player a full virtual experience of our game. The PlayStationGo is not a physical object. Created with nanotechnology, it attaches itself to the subject’s brain and is supposed to create a personal gaming experience for each player. As I said, however, it is not finished. It is yet to be released to the public, and of course, we are expecting certain ethical arguments due to the controversial—”
I pulled the phone away from my ear, shaking my head. I didn’t need to hear his attempts at trying to save his own skin.
“You need to help them,” I whispered. “Do you hear me? Can you do that? Can you help them?!”
“That is what I am trying to tell you,” He said.
“I know you are upset and confused, and believe me, I offer my apologies. But you need to listen to facts. During initial testing, our subjects were conscious enough to know where their home was. We are unsure why this happens, though we have linked it to territory, as well as the main character of the game heavily influencing their actions. I have been tracking them from the testing facility, and they are incredibly close. Please get as far away from there as possible. If you are no longer in the vicinity of the house, I can end this quickly and quietly before we gain attention.”
I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. Maybe start fucking screaming at him, because he was talking about getting “rid” of my friends, after their mistake.
“Do you understand me?” He said, when I couldn’t reply. “Your friends are lost causes!”
Before I could answer, though, headlights were suddenly coming around the corner, and I found myself paralysed to the spot. The car which swerved twice, crashed into several trash cans, before reversing and coming straight towards me, was not Jay’s car. Jay’s car was an old hunk of junk he’d gotten from a scrapyard. Jay’s car had doors which were practically hanging off, and a stereo which exclusively played either static gibberish, or old tapes I had no idea how to use. This car was bright yellow, and definitely had an option to drive itself. When the car came to a stop, inches from careening into me, I lost all control of myself.
I was vaguely aware of my phone slipping from my fingers and hitting the sidewalk. But I was too busy staring at the two shadows in the front of the car. The driver, and the passenger.
And the muffled screaming coming from the trunk.
When the door swung open, a figure stepping out, I did not recognise my housemate.
The stranger told me I wouldn't, but I didn't believe him.
Jay had left the house in casual jeans and a sweater, bearing the game's logo.
Now, I found myself face to face with a man with my housemate's face and features, his smile and eyes-- but something had been severed in his eyes and twisted in his expression. For one, Jay was wearing a suit I knew he couldn't afford, the sleeves torn, collar pulled open, smears of red staining the front.
His pants had cufflinks, and the Rolex on his wrist had definitely been pulled off someone's corpse.
The silver was stained a revealing scarlet. Drinking in his face, he looked like Jay. His curls hung in front of his eyes, freckles speckling his cheeks, but everything else wasn't. It wasn't until I was glimpsing what was moulded into the flesh of his hand, did I remember how to move. But then I was taking all of him in, everything my mind had intentionally skipped, because I didn't want to believe the stranger on the phone. Nanotechnology, the man had said in a hiss.
Fiction, I had thought.
Before I saw the reality of it, a writhing metallic like substance glued to the guy's temple, and slowly, very slowly, inching down his cheek, already forming around the bridge of his ear, a very faint blue light flickering.
Something must have alerted him. His cavernous eyes left mine, and he twisted his head—and I heard the sound of his neck snapping, his head lolling to the left slightly, his eyes flickering. I watched his whole body seem to sway back and forth, ready to fall forwards.
Before the newly formed device on his ear turned red, then green.
It was almost like he was… rebooting. As if coming back to life, Jay lifted his head at an awkward angle, before looking straight through me. The blood vessels in his eyes had popped, rivulets of red beading down his face. He should have been dead, I thought. No. No, he was dead. That… that thing was keeping him alive. “Well, shiiiittt,” he said. I could sense the game dialogue which had taken over him, forming on his mangled tongue.
“I’m a man on a mission.”
In jerking movements, he turned and marched back towards the car, opening the door, and sliding into the front seat.
I remembered how to move, ducking to grab my phone, before something slammed into the back of my head—and I saw stars.
I didn’t remember hitting the floor, only the soft sound of her voice, a seductive murmur repeating NPC dialogue, and her kitten heel sticking into my spine, forcing me onto my face.
Misty. I was expecting her to get it over with. But when she dragged me to my feet, sticking the barrel of a gun into the flesh of my neck—I figured she was still playing the game.
Twisting around to meet her eyes, lifeless and empty, only filled with light from the device which had taken over half of her face, I felt sick to my stomach. This thing wasn’t a games console or a virtual reality headset.
It was an attempt at coercing and programming something you already don’t understand, to do something impossible.
I could see that in the way the things had visibly chewed and eaten through her flesh, devouring her from the inside and out. I could see what was left of the dress she had worn earlier, but something must have gone wrong with her too. Because Misty had thrown on another outfit over the top, a diamond necklace hanging from her neck.
I caught a thin river of red pooling down her right temple, trying to ignore the twitchy way she moved, just like a character. From the way Misty walked, stumbling, I already knew she was gone. My housemate had newly acquired strength, throwing me in the trunk of the car where three other hostages were, and slamming it shut on my attempts to reason with her. She didn’t tie me up or restrain me.
In the dim light I could just make out though passing streetlights, I could see the trunk opened from the inside. Which was too easy.
Still though, Jay was driving recklessly, and every time I tried to throw the damn thing open, I was knocked backwards, rolling into a screaming girl, who was bound by her hands and feet. It took me multiple attempts before I had the trunk open, freezing cold air blasting me in the face. I untied the other hostages, but when I told them to come with me, they just stared blankly at me, and continued begging for their lives—and it only took me glimpsing what was attached to their temples, a familiar writhing metal plate, for me to understand. They too were playing the game. This time, as NPC hostages.
I found myself gingerly touching the trembling metallic flesh of the girl's fingers bound in rope. It had a slimy consistency, and I swore, I felt something bite into me.
No way, I thought.
This thing was sentient, yes. But it wasn't living.
Listen, I wish I could tell you what it was like to jump out of a moving car, but I can’t.
I remember it as lunging out of the trunk, hitting the freezing cold air, before hitting the ground head first, neutron star collisions exploding in the backs of my eyes.
What I do remember is waking up on the side of the road. Hours later. The sky was bright blue, a scorching sun blinding me when I managed to force my eyes open.
The early morning rush hour flew by as normal, and I wondered how ignorant American people had to be to ignore someone knocked out on the side of the road.
It’s not like I was nowhere near civilization. There was a fucking Subway right next to me.
When I had gathered myself, I remembered I had no phone. I couldn’t go home in fear of running into my rogue housemates playing their own fucked up version of _____ in their head. My plan was to try and find my phone, get in contact with the stranger who blew the whistle on my friends being dangerous, and find them. They couldn’t be far., right? And even if they weren’t themselves… someone would be able to save them.
If someone could do this to them, surely they could reverse it.
I felt sick, tired, and I was starving.
So, with some loose cash I’d found in my pocket, I bought a Subway and a Coke.
The woman at the counter smiled widely at me. She leaned forward, with a wink. “Nice cosplay!”
Cosplay?
I didn’t understand what she meant until I swore I felt something… move its way up my pant leg. I ignored it, and it happened again, this time it felt like something was… biting.
A bug, maybe? I had been laying on the side of the road for around six hours.
When I went to the bathroom, though, I found myself staring at an all too familiar glint of silver creeping its way across my temple. Like it was sentient, parts of it sider webbed towards my ear while the rest writhed into my hairline.
I pulled up my pant leg again, and there it was, a fungus-like metal substance which had already formed in two solid metal masses on my knees. I remember grazing two fingers across the thing beginning its slow feast of my flesh. I remember trying to pull it off, hissing in pain when I risked ripping off my own skin with it. I remember shaking my head and being in denial, even when the lights dimmed above me, and the bathroom door in front of me became more of a shadow. When I strode back through the Subway store, I began to see slight flickers of light above each person, highlighting something not quite there yet.
I could see it already starting, beginning to take over my thoughts. Cars which sped past were suddenly highlighted, and at the corner of my eye, if I concentrated, the outline of a map was starting to appear. Even now, when the room is almost completely taken over by shadow, and my thoughts are half my own, and half not—when a metallic device is beginning to form over my eyes—I know if I hold on, this thing won’t take me. I have considered killing myself, but that wouldn’t… be right.
How could I kill myself when there is so much left to do?
This developer was right. I don’t even know where I can sign out. There’s what looks like the beginning of some kind of index when I look up, but it’s not… finished. I can still see entangled pieces of code struggling to load what I’m guessing was log out. Whatever this thing is, it’s taking over me. Fast. Like a fungus, like a virus, it will not stop until it’s dragged me into the game, until it's leeched itself onto me.
I can feel it happening right now. It's been slow.
Almost painfully slow.
But maybe that is the point. Maybe part of the game is to feel my own thoughts beginning to unravel in favor of something else entirely.
Fuck.
Time is going by…. Fast.
Five minutes ago… I was trying to get home. But I can’t remember where I live.
I can’t concentrate.
I can’t think straight.
I have a phone—but I don’t know how I got it. Did I steal it?
Every time I move, the slowly emerging map comes to life at the corner of my eye jerks with my movement. There is a car parked nearby.
I know it belongs to the man with a child.
But a confusing blur of light is highlighting it to be something of importance. Reality is crashing in front of me, replaced with contorting shapes and bursts of color I have to blink through.
I keep hearing... sirens.
Jay is messaging me.
On what, I'm not sure.
But I need to find him.
I’m sure one mission won’t hurt, right?