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Episode 1. I Don’t Want You To Be Happy
It was 10 p.m. and the moonlight was dazzling. Room 101, on the top floor of Hotel Waverick Seattle, was pitch black, and there was the faint sound of breathing.
Natalie Davidson opened her eyes, but the world before her was so muddled that she couldn't see clearly. Her body felt strange as if it had caught fire and she was burning alive. Someone seemed to be lying on top of her, pressing down, but no matter how much she struggled to push him away, he remained motionless.
Her mind was a mess and she couldn't think straight. She only vaguely remembered that the previous night she had welcomed her fiancé back from his travels abroad, and then because she was so happy and drunk, she had been brought to her stepsister's room to rest. She hadn’t expected to find this when she woke up.
"Who are yo–" Natalie's voice was cut off by a heavy gasp from the man, and his grip on her body got tighter and tighter. She didn't have the strength to push him away. "Let me go …"
She had never felt like this before. A wave of lust washed over her, and she could not help but respond to him. Her body was exceptionally hot and she frowned. Something wasn't right. The feeling of lust faded and she suddenly felt terrified, but she couldn't stop the man. As he pushed into her, she felt herself losing consciousness until finally she couldn't stay awake any longer and passed out.
Outside, the sky was dark. Around three in the morning, the cell phone on the bedside table vibrated violently. With a frown, the man woke up from his sleep. His gaze slid across the messy bedsheets and then over to Natalie, who was covered only by a thin blanket. His expression immediately darkened. He picked up the phone and slammed it down. The hostility in his eyes was clear. These people had actually dared to drug him. They must have gotten tired of living.
Steadily, he got up, threw back the covers, and went to take a shower in the bathroom. Afterward, without a trace of hesitation, he turned and left the room, as if the person on the bed was just an object he didn't need to pay attention to.
When Natalie woke up, it was morning.
The moment she opened her eyes, she felt pain. She had a splitting headache and her entire body was extremely sore as if it had been beaten. She sat motionless at the head of the bed. The events of the previous night flashed through her mind like a movie, making her tremble with despair. The man who had assaulted her was obviously not her fiancé, Nick. How could she have lost her virginity under such strange circumstances?
What should she do?
What on earth should she do?
She hurriedly picked up her clothes from the floor and put them on. She wanted to go home quickly and wash up; she couldn’t bear to stay in this room even a second longer. But the moment she opened the door, she saw Nick, who was standing outside with a shocked face, alongside her stepsister Sheryl and her father Tom, who both looked furious.
"Nick?"
Natalie didn't know how to explain and barely got a grip on her thoughts before she was slapped in the face by her father. The mess in the room had not been cleaned up and the evidence of what had happened there was obvious.
"Look at what you’ve done! You’ve cheated on your fiancé, you’ve embarrassed me, you’ve embarrassed the whole family! How could I have raised a daughter like you?"
Nick gripped Tom’s hand tightly and frowned as he looked at her face. "Natalie, how could you do this?"
"No, no." She shook her head with all her might, trying to clasp his hand, afraid that he would leave. “I was drunk last night. I only came back to the room to rest.” She suddenly looked at Sheryl, who was standing in front of her with wide eyes. “You did this, didn’t you? You were the one who brought me back to the hotel last night, to this room. Why did you do this to me?"
When Sheryl heard this, she looked wrong. "I don't understand what you're saying. I did no such thing."
"You didn't?" Natalie growled as her anger reached its peak. "Then how did I end up in someone else's room? Why would that man–"
"Enough!" Nick interrupted her with a loud shout as if he didn't want to hear any more. "You want to blame someone else for what you've done?" He looked at her coldly. "I only left for six months and you're already this desperate. Did you really have to climb into someone else's bed?!"
Natalie hugged her arm in panic as tears rolled down her cheeks and dripped onto the carpet. She couldn’t believe Nick was saying these things. They had been together for three years and were about to get married.
"Nick," she said in a low voice, practically begging as she looked at the resolute man in front of her. "Please believe me …"
"Don't say any more, just listening to you disgusts me." With a look of pure disdain, he turned around and strode off down the corridor. "The engagement’s off. I don't want to see you again."
His words were like a sharp knife stabbing straight into her heart. Despair slowly spread through her and was on the verge of spilling out. It was so painful that she could no longer breathe.
"Nick!"
She staggered after him, but her father grabbed her by the arm and shoved her to the floor.
“Natalie, you’re no longer part of this family. From this day on, you’re not my daughter!”
She was stunned. After they left, her head was in shambles; she didn't even know how she made it home, but by the time she did her belongings were already packed and left by the door. Tom had even booked a plane ticket for her, and he told her to pick up her stuff and leave the country immediately.
"Natalie, are you alright?"
She was in a daze as she lowered her head to pick up her things. Sheryl walked down the steps at a leisurely pace. When Natalie ignored her, she didn't get angry. Instead, she laughed. "Do you really want to know how you ended up in that room? Let me tell you. You were right, I put you there. I did it because I want to marry Nick and I can't stand the thought of you being happy with him."
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Episode 2. Exile
Natalie raised her head and bit her lip. She was so angry that she couldn't utter a single word. Her whole body was trembling with fury. She couldn't understand why Sheryl would ruin her life like this.
"Hmm” Sheryl smiled, “So what if you’re angry?" Sheryl played with her curly hair and sneered. "Nick doesn't believe you. Your father doesn't believe you either. You can go abroad and live on your own."
Natalie was furious. "Why are you doing this to me? Why are you running my life? Why"
She rushed forward hysterically and wrapped her hands around Sheryl’s neck, but Sheryl didn't resist. She only blinked pitifully at her. "Sister, don't hurt me … Last night really wasn't my fault … What are you doing?"
Hearing the commotion, Tom rushed out, looking so angry that the veins on his neck stood out. He raised his hand and pushed Natalie to the ground. "Are you crazy? Are you trying to kill your sister?"
Natalie fell to the ice-cold sidewalk, where she remained. Unable to bear the pain any longer, she was on the verge of tears. She thought of her mother and her childhood, but no matter how hard she wished, she could never return to that time.
Rosemary, her stepmother, came up behind her. When she saw the marks on her daughter's neck, she was so angry – just like her husband – that she raised her hand and slapped Natalie.
"You uneducated brat! You're just the same as your mother! You might as well die!"
The more she slapped, the harder each slap became. Tom stood beside her, but he only seemed to be concerned about Sheryl's injuries. As the attack went on, Natalie’s vision grew blurry from the blows, but all she could feel was the coldness in her heart as if all warmth had left it.
—-----------------------
At that time, in his office at the Clair Group, Bryce was looking at his assistant with a malicious expression.
"What's going on?" His face was so gloomy that his gaze could bore holes through a person. "How is the investigation going?"
His assistant was sweating under his gaze, but he swallowed and told him the news. "It's Evan Wilson."
Bryce knew of Evan. A while ago, he had worked with the Clair Group on a project and had taken many kickbacks from it. Bryce didn't like his way of handling things, so he had sent his men to destroy the Wilson family. Right now, the Wilsons were on the verge of bankruptcy and collapse.
"Evan bribed the hotel's waiter and drugged you. He probably wanted to use this to …" The assistant's voice trailed off until he was no longer breathing.
The situation was clear now: Evan was behind all of this. Bryce had never thought that something would go wrong and that he would have to completely deviate from his original plan.
"I checked, Evan booked a room in the hotel last night." The assistant looked up at him hesitantly, then looked down again. "But you didn't use it …"
Bryce's expression suddenly changed and he asked in a low voice, "What do you mean?"
The assistant was confused. He could only look at his face and repeat hesitantly, "You didn't use the room yesterday."
If he didn't go into his room, then who was the woman who had been lying on his bed? In his mind, he saw broken images of her flushed cheeks and her body writhing beneath him, but what he remembered clearest were those cries of grief and heart-breaking pain. He suddenly remembered the crimson spots on the sheets that he had noticed before he left — the woman had been a virgin.
Bryce's brows knit together. He told his assistant in a deep voice, "Go check the identity of the woman who was in my room immediately."
He wanted to know where she had come from.
The assistant immediately hurried off to do as he had been told. But no matter how fast he moved, he wouldn’t be able to find any useful information. The hotel’s surveillance tapes had already been wiped by Sheryl. How could she possibly leave behind evidence that would show that she had set Natalie up? Naturally, she had had to cover her tracks. After doing this, she continued to pretend that she was innocent, and gloated as she watched Natalie get kicked out of her house in a sorry state.
Natalie didn't even stay a night before she was packed off and sent out of the country. She lugged her heavy luggage onto the plane. She had been exiled without knowing when she could return.
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Episode 3. You’re My Daddy
Five years later, Natalie stood in the first-class lounge at Heathrow Airport, staring at the two tickets in her hands, unable to focus. She had been in England for five years and in all that time she hadn't made even one phone call to her family. Her father treated her like she was dead and as if he couldn't care less about it. If it wasn't for Sheryl and Nick’s engagement, he might not even have remembered she existed.
Her heart had no attachment to the place she had been separated from for years. All her feelings had been erased on the day she was thrown out. She didn't want to go back and see the people who had hurt her, but she couldn't stand listening to her father's threats on the phone. If she did not do what he said, he would not let her grandmother live peacefully, he could even hurt her. Her grandmother was the closest person in the world to her. She had wanted to bring her to England to spend the rest of her life there, but she couldn't sway the old lady from her desire to be in the country where her husband and daughter had lived. Natalie had no choice but to leave her where she was. If it wasn't for her grandmother, she probably wouldn't go back for the rest of her life, but she couldn't afford to lose her to her father’s anger.
"Mommy, Mommy."
Lost in her thoughts, she suddenly heard a lovely, gentle voice beside her. She looked down and saw a four-year-old boy lightly tugging at the corner of her jumper. He told her in a serious tone, "Stop daydreaming. The plane is about to take off."
Only then did she recover her wits. The anger in her eyes gradually softened as she smiled and picked up the child. "Alright then, let's go to the gate."
At the same time, on the other side of the first-class lounge, a tall man in a suit with two burly bodyguards standing behind him strode towards the gate with a cold expression.
Natalie had bought first-class tickets. In the past few years, she had suffered a lot from feeling rootless in a foreign country, and she had developed many issues. She had bad insomnia and headaches, and she was afraid of loud noises. The moment she got on the plane, she covered her eyes with a blanket to try to fall asleep, but first, she told Liam to be good and not run around.
Liam was her most precious treasure. He was very well behaved. He sat on his seat as he was told and played with the toy she had bought him, occasionally stealing glances at her.
Natalie put her head against the window. He soon noticed that she did not look well.
"Mommy." He leaned across and looked at her. Seeing that she was frowning, he asked worriedly, "Are you not feeling well?"
Natalie coughed twice due to an itch in her throat. With a hint of weakness in her voice, she answered, "I'm fine …" She looked at the child and forced a smile. "I'm just a little thirsty."
Without waiting for her to say anything, Liam jumped out of his seat and hurried off excitedly to get her some water. She didn't know who he took after. He was only four years old, but he was as sensible as a small adult, and he could even take care of her.
Liam came running back with a glass of water. As he reached their seats, he bumped into a man who had just stepped into the plane. The glass in his hand wobbled and the water spilled from it, wetting the man’s shoes and the legs of his pants.
Bryce lowered his head and looked at the water stains on his clothes. He frowned in displeasure. "What are you doing? Don't you know to watch where you're going?"
"I'm sorry." Liam held the cup and apologized repeatedly. But when he raised his head and looked at the man, he was immediately stunned, "I …"
Liam had once finally mustered the courage to ask his mother about his father. Natalie was taken aback and stood speechless for a moment before she randomly showed the young boy a picture of a handsome man and told him that this was him.
Looking at Bryce, Liam instantly somehow recalled the same picture, and realized that the two men resembled each other to almost a fault! Bryce was a well-built man, who possessed a muscular demeanor and suave gait. His pose and grace made the young boy quiver. The more he looked at Bryce, the more he felt that the man in front of him fit his image of his father from the picture. He stood quiet for two seconds, before hurling himself at Bryce’s long leg and then shouted, "Daddy!"
The two bodyguards behind Bryce were completely taken aback by the scene unfolding in front of them. They had been with Bryce for a long time, but this was the first time they’d seen someone act so affectionately with him, let alone someone so young.
Bryce's expression instantly turned ugly. He reached out his hand to push away the little arms that were wrapped around him and said coldly, "Don't randomly call people your father. I'm not your father."
He had known many women who had claimed to be pregnant with his child, but this was the first time he had ever seen such a clever and affectionate 'son'.
Liam stared at his face and answered with certainty, "You are my daddy. Why did you abandon me and Mommy?"
The more he spoke, the more wronged he felt. He pouted his small mouth and put on a pitiful expression. When the passengers beside them heard this, they immediately looked over in curiosity.
Natalie couldn’t sleep through the commotion. She opened her eyes and looked in the direction of the noise, only to find her son standing in the middle of the aisle, holding onto the leg of an unfamiliar man.
"Sorry, sorry." She quickly got up. Embarrassed, she reached out to take the child's hand. "He must have made a mistake. Liam, let go of him."
Her son had always been sensible and listened to her over anyone else, but today she didn't know what was going on. No matter how much she tried to persuade him, Liam continued to hold onto the leg of that strange man's pants. He bit his lips in frustration and refused to let go.
Bryce was a cold person, but when he looked at the child's pitiful expression, he felt a bit moved. He frowned and said to Natalie, "Why did you become a mother? If you couldn’t give him a complete family, it would have been better not to have him at all."
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Back at the end of last year I had a series of weird things happen that I’m trying to process/get some insight on. It started a few months after I began experimenting with magic mushrooms. I had taken a fair amount of mushrooms before these events happened and hadn’t experienced anything out of the ordinary even taking probably close to 7 grams in a period of 2 hours or so - and did not have too heavy of a trip) I decided to start dosing before work which I figured would be chill as (like I said) I had already experimented and did not get visuals or feel particularly out of control. In fact it felt like I was a lot more in tune with my surroundings even driving and stuff.
With that said, I started taking about 1 gram or so every couple days and around this time is when I met Sue - a homeless woman who would come into our coffee shop almost daily while I was barista-ing. I was immediately intrigued by her and we became fast friends. She told me she was 67, half miwok Indian, half polish, and she was always dressed in a colorful outfit, beautiful rings, with her nails painted. She’d tell me about her tarot readings and we’d share a cigarette while I was on break. It was clear when I met her she probably had some type of mental illness going on because she would sometimes talk loudly about arch angel michael, money from god, and things that didn’t make a lot of sense to me, but I tried to remain open minded and curious with her. I even offered her mushrooms but she refused saying she had “enough spiritual stuff going on in her life.”
One day, after a particularly interesting conversation with Sue, I disappeared off to run an errand for my boss, when I came back Sue was gone and my boss handed me a tattered book. it was “A Life in Drama” a biography on Shakespeare or something of the like, and the outside of the book was covered in cryptic pen drawings like I’d never seen before. There was an inscription “June Sue I learn from you!” Which immediately brought me back to the first day I met her. She had drawn me and I had told her loved that I loved her name - she told me I should add it to my name and I agreed with her.
“your guardian anglebirth” it read. And there was a sparrow hawk, trees, a ship all sort of in abstract pen drawing. On the front, in small ink, less than an inch, there was an almost abstract looking shape and in the center was the word “love” - she never told me what the shape was as she didn’t remember drawing it but later my therapist suggested it as a picnic basket. Anyway, a few days later I went and had it tattooed on my arm because I loved it.
I was in the process of quitting my job around this time so I wasn’t seeing Sue as often which prompted me to think about when to go visit her. I was in no hurry to show her, I knew when the time was right I would go.
A few afternoons later, after taking about a gram of mushrooms I bought 200$ worth and then went to see her. It was around this time that day I started hearing voices I thought at the time were god and the mushrooms themselves.
It’s been a while since this all happened so my memory is a bit blurry, though I did write down most of what happened shortly thereafter. Anyways, there was something about Sue that I trusted. I really wanted to show her my mushrooms so I took her to my trunk. All I remember is sitting in the back of the trunk with her and all of a sudden these crazy lilac purple lights start shining down on me like I’m on a stage? This is in broad daylight on the street. I remember there was like a little noise they made I think, and it felt like i was in the twilight zone. It was so bizarre - I’ve never experienced anything remotely like it. And the only place they really shown down on was my face and neck (where I had lots of acne). As I’m like, what the fuck is going on Sue looks over and says something along the lines of “many gifts are coming to you.” ( like I said, never experienced ANY visions before and having Sue acting like she saw the light too makes me feel like something weird is going on. )
Later on back in her tent all of a sudden I start experiencing the most insane pain but it’s not physical. To this day I don’t know how to describe it but I was deeply uncomfortable to the point where I am SCREAMING in this woman’s tent and she’s telling me to quiet down so the cops don’t come and commit me. After that she gave me water, food, and it kind of felt like she could read my mind which is a phenomena I experienced a lot the next few days. Everything I needed she provided. I was completely depleted and weak. She was yelling at mysterious powers saying “earthangel June (me) does not deserve this!!” She told me I had been divinely poisoned by the mushrooms because I had not blessed them before ingesting them. Later that night she also tells me that her tarot cards told her a young woman would come to visit her and that I was she.
I slowly came down a bit. Sue offered for me to spend the night, but I knew I wanted to go back home, though it was past midnight when I got home. I don’t remember much of the mundane time between - The next morning I woke and headed back to her where I spent another full day and find out both me and my dads debit cards aren’t working, and Sue is unsurprised (I’m starting to believe in this weird matrix of energy she’s talking about and feel like I’m targeted when I’m around her, or that she has some sort of bad luck) She dropped many lessons about God, energy, and demons and doing readings for people, which I started to come around to that day. I noticed that even people I would have avoided or felt unsafe with on my own, respected her or at least stayed away from her. I have a vivid memory of her saying “watch this!” And then with a lasso motion zapping me energetically so hard it makes me wince. That day Sue piled heaps of designer clothes into the trunk of my car which had been donated by the wealthy. As she does this she handed me a piece of paper that had printed on it what I later find out is a piece of “They’re made out of meat” by Terry Bison.
They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars." "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
She asked me if I remember the guy who comes into our coffee shop with a helmet on sometimes, and I say yes, and she suggests he might be an alien because she found this on the table after he left.
It is clear to me now that day, November 29th I was beginning to open the question - who am I? I’d been curious of my lineage but also potential past lives.
I went back home that night and At 2am still hopped up from the mushrooms I put on some clothes Sue had given me and got in my car feeling called to drive aimlessly. After 15 minutes I reached a glowing indigo Hyatt sign and immediately pulled in. I had just quit my Hyatt job and figured at the very least it could be a job opportunity for me there (as I had just quit working at a Hyatt)
When I got there a short, beautiful, and politely unassuming woman greeted me at a desk amidst a beautiful well light welcoming room. She appeared to be completely alone and I immediately felt safe and welcomed by her, though I quickly revealed I wasn’t quite sure why I had intended to show up to the hotel. I went with the flow, the woman asked me if I’d rather be at a cheaper Hyatt down the road and I immediately refused. I went to use the restroom, when I came out there was a single strangely menacing, yet friendly guard.
I hung around aimlessly, asking if I could sit on the marble countertops - dressing and acting as if completely in a trance and unashamed of myself and still high on mushrooms. The woman discouraged me because I think I would’ve been seen on the cameras. Instead, I sat down on a comfortable couch and began to converse with her. I felt She was gentle and good hearted but I also felt we were deeply on the same wavelength somehow. She asked me about my life, and I vaguely mentioned it was changing deeply - referring to my experiences with Sue and Psylocibin, without mentioning them. I stared deeply and intently at her, listening to her talk a bit, while in my head I asking questions in my mind “who will I have children with?” “Where do I belong in this life?” Feeling desperate and exhausted by those questions.
The woman picked up her can of bright red coke with both hands, 3 fingers facing up on either side, and told me the answers would come to me in a dream. I broke out into surprised, joyful, and astounded laughter and exclaimed “holy shit!” Because in my state it seemed like she was totally clued into what I had going on. Then she said what translated to my trancelike state as something along the lines of, “this isn’t my first rodeo.”
At this point, I’m still in an altered state and believe this hotel is somehow heaven?
Once our conversation was over, we took the elevator up together, (I think she knew I was high and wanted to make sure nothing went wrong.) I asked for a room on the 4th floor, but she said an entire childrens soccer team was residing and that she’d give me the third. I laughed and thanked her. She asked me a few questions, I don’t remember what they were, but they were easy to answer and I only remember her saying “we just want to make sure what you took was clean.” I’m not sure what she meant by this looking back, but in the moment I thought she was asking me because there was something she didn’t want to share with me if the mushrooms I had taken weren’t safe. Like she wanted to check my purity or something (though I could be imagining that)
She lead me to my room, said I could leave the door open, with the latch, when I wanted to come down, and did not give me a key and then she said that she’d be with me all night long.
I put my things down, and immediately began to look at myself in the luminescent hotel room mirrors feeling a deep pain and sadness. I slowly and delicately put my hair up, washed my face carefully, got undressed and began to massage lotion into my skin for some reason?
Then I looked in the mirror and began to squeeze the gunk out of my skin, believing that I am somehow ridding myself of ancestral curses - famine, disease, rape, pain. I started to form a story line around potential past lives. I’ll spare y’all the details of the rest of my episode because a lot of it still doesn’t make much sense to me. But besides the light I saw, it’s little coincidences that I keep coming back to in my mind that are so strange.
Like, The next day I get a haircut, the barber is an eclectic guy and mentions my evil twin sister (something Sue also did) for no apparent reason (I’ve never met the guy before) afterwards I go to the kava bar and immediately meet a random girl who also seems to be in the middle of a psychotic episode. She starts talking about conspiracy theories and stuff and she tells me she is secretly a native woman who just appears to be a black woman. Then she pulls out a pendulum and refers to it as “this thingy” I’m a bit surprised because the night before Sue had shown me how to use one to read yes, no and maybe.
I take my new friend Candace back home with me (she reveals to me she has another name she only shares when she feels safe) I don’t remember what it was but when I introduce her to one of my roommates as Candace he says “oh no it’s something more ancient than that” which I find really weird because he’s never met her before (how would he know she had a second name?) and it’s just a weird thing to say in general.
I forget I have a therapy appointment that day and am all of a sudden skeptical of my therapist, Candace briefly meets her and then tells me “she was divinely sent” which makes me feel less paranoid and I remember expecting her to say something of the like.
It’s also around this time I find 3 dead birds on a bike ride on the ground (3 different species) within exactly 11 minutes and they seem to stand out enough to maybe be trying to tell me something. I asked my friend who is a medicine woman to interpret the meaning, and it feels pretty on point to what happened looking back.
In retrospect, not necessarily everything I’ve shared means something extra-ordinary, but I’m curious to hear some other thoughts on what happened, and the context.
I put my things down, and immediately began to look at myself in the luminescent hotel room mirrors feeling a deep pain and sadness. I slowly and delicately put my hair up, washed my face carefully, undressed and began to massage lotion into my skin for some reason?
Then I looked in the mirror and began to squeeze the gunk out of my skin, believing that I was somehow ridding myself of ancestral curses - famine, disease, rape, pain. I started to form a story line around potential past lives.
I laid down in the bed, bluntly put, grabbed my vibrator, and spent hours with a voice in my head I believe to be the woman. She was gentle, wise and delicate, and when I touched myself I felt it was not me but her.
She told me things I wanted to understand about original biblical references, the creation of Adam and Eve, or whatever names they were, and I saw and felt at times, that I was birthing other creations amidst the quiet, deep intense, solitude of our connection. It was deeply lovely. I looked at the clock and had an innate sense our time was coming to an end. Completely naked and feeling nothing but gratitude, love, and wonder, I opened the curtains and looked out at the most beautiful cloudy sunrise. I felt I was looking directly at god and not a word had been said all night inside the room. It was one of the most beautiful things ID ever seen - I was truly in it, and I just knew.
I forgot, that when I had first checked into the room I had texted the man I was sleeping with, whom I loved, but was feeling confusion around as we were staying only casually connected. I regrettedly called him back (he had tried to call me earlier after I had sent him a series of cryptic texts like “some really cool shit is happening call me when you can.”) I asked him if I could come over, he said “I have some things to do today, can it wait?” I said “no” “he said I guess I can make the time then, or something along those lines.” Still in a complete trancelike state, I got in the car and frantically drove to his house without any real permission, which is painful to think about in retrospect.
When I got there, I unassumingly rang the doorbell and he happily let me in as if, or as I thought, he’d been expecting me.
I crawled into bed with him and felt safe again, like I had with Sue and with the woman whose name I had learned was Alexandria. I thought I could relax, but then immediately sex ensued again, and I felt both more and less control than I usually did when I was not in this strange state.
I don’t remember much except screaming and crying loudly, calling his name and telling him I loved him (which I had never done before) and I remember him saying it back to me.
I could feel my spiritual energy was so strong he was responsive to it which was terrifying as it was so new to both of us. In retrospect, I feel we were-him most of all, somewhat blind to what was happening. Sue had told me we had the power to hypnotize men, but I didn’t think I would be doing that so soon.
Before I knew it he asked me if I had a condom. I said no only in my car outside. And he pulled out what almost appeared to be a flaming red one directly after asking me if I had mine. I don’t remember putting it on or taking it off. I asked if he’d had sex with anyone else and he said “last week” which was strange and hurt me because I thought we had been sort of accidentally exclusive for the majority of our relationship together - later he revealed he had not had sex. I recall holding his hand and showing each other the birth of creation, me showing him love perhaps, feeling balls of light and darkness as stars circle each other before they explode. After that I only really remember being on top of him, me in complete control, asking him to cum, him saying “I can’t” and then having a massive horrible realization, looking him straight in the face and saying, “ohhhhh you’re the devil aren’t you? You’re beautiful. Oh my god you’re beautiful.” He looked so beautiful and I held his face. Then I was professing my love for him again and again and again even though my heart was breaking as I did because I somehow knew the face looking at me was not capable of love. The rest was a confusing blur. I don’t remember much about leaving him except that it hurt me probably more than the spiritual pain I had experienced in the tent. I felt completely and utterly alone, heart broken, and terrified. Rattled, and in a daze I pulled up my phone directions, and drove for what felt like 20 minutes until I saw a beautifully insane woman, head hung low, dressed in black, almost like a shadow, sitting on the curb, both feet in the road. I slowed down, rolled my window, and asked for Sue. She said yes she’s already at the place with the TV, and she said she wanted something in return. She went to reach for my Bluetooth adapter and without question, I handed it to her. I had learned not to be afraid to lose things, my love and life was the only thing that mattered to me.
I drove onward, got on the freeway, and in memory, passed exits I recognized over and over again driving for what felt like an hour, miserable and screaming and crying in pain and fear, windows rolled down wind recklessly pushing and pulling at me, and calling out for Sue, understanding I was time traveling. I remember most vividly seeing the words “Richard blvd” (the name of my exit to Davis” at least twice between sacramento exits. I attempted not to doubt, only to trust, I would arrive home, though I was terrified for my physical and spiritual lives.
I don’t remember much about arriving home. I only remember being deeply relieved to be somewhere familiar again.
I would stay in this state a few more days…until my parents pulled me out, I believed my mother had died and I felt such agony I was screaming in the room of my house, my roommates rushing in to comfort me. I was not in control enough of myself to remain on those realms in any capacity after the days I had been through. I needed to be recaptured reraptured in love only my family could give me. And I am forever grateful they took me home to them.