Link to my other guides: https://www.reddit.com/worldwarzthegame/comments/fs7mbc/new_player_guide_primary_and_secondary_weapons/
Link to previous version of my weapons guide just for reference: https://www.reddit.com/worldwarzthegame/comments/q47kh9/primary_and_secondary_weapons_overview_aftermath/
Disclaimers: I am not able to upgrade all my weapons to max perk level due to lack of time these days, but all weapons except the one noted are at least level 5+. For the same reason, I'm not going to come up with any snappy tag lines, just dry impressions.
The perks mentioned in each weapon is my PERSONAL preference, you don't have to follow exactly what I did if you like a particular stat over others. If you have any interesting perk combos, just reply below.
Unique perk means the first slot perk, these are usually unique to one weapon, or shared by only a few guns. Some of these are very OP and they completely changes the way that weapon work.
Common perks are perks in slot 2 and 3. These are shared by many weapons and mostly just minor stat changes.
FAQ's
Q: What's the best gun in this game?
A: There's no such thing as "best" weapon, there's only the one that's best for your class setup and situation. Some guns are better for fighting small groups and other are better at killing mobs. Class perk often affect the power of the gun and personal style influence your preference.
Q: How do I know if a gun is silent or not with the new skin system.
A: Open the gun customization window and read the description on top. Any silenced gun will says "silent". Don't rely on the graphics because silencer on the barrel is cosmetic and have no real effect on the silence mechanism.
Q: Which stats are the best to get, what do the stats mean?
A: Prioritize power, accuracy, and penetration; handling isn't as important. Power = more dmg per bullet. Higher accuracy means the hits will be closer to your reticle so you miss less. Penetration = number of additional zekes you can hit with each bullet, +1 Penetration = hit 2 zekes, +2 pen = hit 3 zekes. PEN is super important because it's a dmg multiplier.
Most of the time, you should use short bursting vs small groups, or full auto/mad clicking on large groups, so handling (the amount of rise after repeat shots or when you move around) doesn't matters as much. I would only add handling if a gun is firing all over the place with full auto and just can’t stay on target. Running and gunning is a bad idea in most scenario.
Total ammo is not stated in the customization menu, but it’s an important factor in insane/extreme difficulty and hard horde mode due to lower ammo amount in the crate. Some guns run out of ammo very easily and I will point them out specifically.
Q: Which guns are best for swarm fights?
Anything with +2 penetration is best for horde/pyramid/swarm fights. I will make specific mentions if some guns are good for large groups.
Q: Why are you talking about headshots so much?
Except boosted/Elite/Specials*, headshot will one-shot all other zekes. In higher difficult, zekes have a lot of HP, so body shots are not as effective. You really want to put your target down with as few bullets as possible because there are so many zekes to kill.
*Normal bullets only. Boosted/Elite and some weaker specials can still be one shot with the right weapon and setup.
Tier 1:
Scout Rifle: about the same as before.
Basic semi-auto rifle. Best for picking off zeke at mid range. +1 penetration and fixer can hit 4 zekes, so line up the targets and take advantage of the extra penetration. Best when used with ammo fixer because you just have to aim for the body and explosive ammo take care of the rest.
The unique wolfpack perk is same as before, but the Veteran II perk to increase reload speed is really great one to have too.
For the common perks, +10 magazine size is pretty fantastic, custom barrel +1 acc and +10% dmg is also good.
Compact SMG: slight improvement but perks are pretty meh
Worst out of the 3 starter gun. It's accurate only at close/medium range, low stopping power, and definitely not enough ammo. Thank god GS/medics can refill ammo with headshot, and slashers have melee power to compensate. Get close, use short burst and aim for the head because body shot takes forever to kill something.
Unique: snake-bite perk is more viable now because they removed the ammo penalty, but you still use up ammo too fast so I am avoiding it. Point blank +50% dmg is OK since compact suck at hitting far targets anyway. Go with CQB if you are a slasher or medic/GS with a big sword. All 3 perks carry some sort of down-side, so they are pretty meh.
For common, I use custom sight for +2 acc because you can headshot a bit easier (this gun reload fast so -10% reload isn’t a big issue). +10% DMG power perk is definitely needed. If you max the level, ammo pouch perk is really necessary.
Shotgun: Best starter gun got better
Personally I think it's best of the 3 starter guns. Lots of ammo, easy to aim, +1 penetration, and big stopping power. The T1 shotgun can one shot elite squad w/o explosive ammo! The slower pump action allow you to aim between rounds, so it's easy to one-shot target. I can even get third-hand to trigger without reloading. The range is not bad, but get up close and personal for max effect; rely on pistol for sniping enemy farther away. You do need to be point-blank range to one-shot bulls in the back, and at least 3 good shots to bring down an infector.
The fletchette unique is bad. On paper it looks good with +4 acc and +1 Pen. But the reduction in power makes it difficult to one shot zeke at higher difficulty. Because of the slow fire rate, this gun must be able to put down target with one round. I end up using extorsion instead, it’s an OK perk when you run out of bullets and zekes closing in. On edge is too situational for my taste.
Common perk is pretty standard, just pick what you like. I'd get the range bonus.
Pistol: about the same as before
Weak starter pistol, but still useful even for a veteran. It's extremely accurate, so use it to pick up head-shot against idle zekes. There is little reason to use your primary weapon when pistol can easily get you through early map during silence phase. It’s also great at picking off screamers if you are not using a rifle.
It really sucks the previous unique ability is now split into two. You must choose either +2 pen or +50% dmg against special. I still chose the +dmg because it’s good vs idle specials, screamers, and lurkers hiding around corner, you won’t rely on this gun when there’s multiple zeke charging you anyway so Pen doesn't matter that much.
For common, you want custom sights for +2 acc for a total of 11, because this is suppose to be a sniping weapon. Second slot is up to you.
Machine pistol: almost the same except for that insane 3rd unique perk (not i am not going to go into that buggy behavior)
An upgrade version of standard pistol with higher fire-rate. Same low dmg and 0 pen, so aim for the head with the 3-round burst, don’t try to body shot anything, it takes too long. Tons of ammo though.
The special perks are great. You start with perk that turn it into an automatic, and it is great fun to use. But last unique perk can add 20% ammo to your heavy weapon after 10 kills, which is especially useful for high dmg heavy like RPG or MGL. That's some really OP shenanigans if an exterminator can repeatedly fill up his RPG
The common perks exist to support that unique perk, so pick power and extended mag so you can get that 10 kills.
Tier 2
Assault rifle: Solid weapon got a minor buff
My favorite gun for mid-game just because I am an old school CS player. Good amount of ammo, range, and stopping power. Burst fire is extremely accurate even if you are not a gunslinger, and downright deadly if you are. This gun is really trust worthy when things get hairy because I know it can headshot something and put it down for good. The +1 pen and low handling is its main weakness. Full auto sends bullets everywhere, so only hold trigger if zekes are in your face or piled up. Relatively weak against pyramid or fences so you will be emptying magazine after magazine. At least ammo amount is high so you shouldn't run out as long as you are careful.
You really want to go for that last unique perk with +10% healing on self. First perk is OK until you get there, but mostly not useful because you probably already took some dmg when you find this gun. Second perk is pretty OP if you play as vanguard (frequent shield use), but not too useful for other classes.
For common perk, use ergonomics early on for handling and dmg, and +15% reload later on.
Sport Carbine: better than before but took an ammo nerf
I always see people skipping this gun because they don't know how good it is. It's better than the scout at everything: more power, acc, +2 Penetration is insanely good. Fixer with power shot can hit up to 5! It's the first gun I look for when I play fixer, but any other class can use it to good effect. This gun can fire faster and reload fast while dishing out a lot of dmg, especially against a horde or a pyramid. Due to high accuracy, it's even good against small groups because it's easy to rack up headshots. Carrying ammo capacity took a nerf in the new update, it’s down to 180 vs 225 before, so aim well and watch that ammo count.
Unique perk isn’t unique, but at least good. I wouldn’t take custom fit, that -10 mag size really hurt. Fresh mag is ok until you get veteran II for that +25% reload.
For common, I took the +2 acc/-10 reload just because I like to snipe with it. But really all 4 perks at the bottom are great choices and provide good buff. Take what you like.
Classic battle rifle: about the same as before
This gun's specialty is horde killing. If you are not a fixer, this is the second best tier 2 gun for killing large piles, so always pick this up before you fight a horde where the +2 penetration will collapse a pyramid easily. It's accuracy and handling is pretty bad, but not an issue vs pyramid or fences. You should swap it out once the swarm fight is done and you move onto silence phase. Ammo amount is still pretty low, so watch out for that.
Unique perk is just copy/paste from before, you still have tiger claw +25% dmg vs special. Or the HP round II that turns it into a fixer-only gun because fixers gets huge dmg and +2 pen back. The third perk add handling, it's not bad if you just want to use it for horde killing and doesn’t care about special dmg.
Common perk is still power and ammo pouches for more ammo, this gun really need more ammo.
Classic Bullpup: it’s better somehow?
A weaker version of the T-3 Bullpup with only +1 penetration and fire 2 rounds burst. Not sure why but this gun feels more powerful and more accurate than before, so maybe they shadow buffed it? Or maybe I finally figured out how to use it correctly with more practice. It’s a good choice to replace that T1 scout or compact SMG when no other choice is available. You do need to fire this weapon slowly because it’s hard to settle down, give it pause between shots. If you don't, it will fire everywhere and won't stay on target.
You no longer have to sacrifice magazine size for the scorpion tail perk, which is nice because it’s a decent perk. The other unique frankly sucks and I don’t know why Saber did that. Who the hell uses adrenaline on a regular basis? What a joke of a unique perk.
Common perks are nice. Custom round I with longer range and +1 acc is great. Power is OK, but weighted bullet with +20% dmg is even better. You don’t have to worry about ammo as much because it’s got large carry capacity and fire slow anyway.
Light Automatic Weapon: still great weapon with the right class
For a gun that's meant for full automatic fire, it's got surprisingly good burst accuracy with +1 penetration as a bonus. Accuracy/handling during full auto is decent and can stay on target with minor adjustment, so it won't fire all over the place like the AK or the CBR. Just don't expect to pick up long range targets. It seems to spawn more now, so maybe they shadow buffed the spawn rate? The 125 round magazine is amazing and countered-balanced by a 5 second reload animation (melee reload cancel at 75% instead of the normal 50%).
Don't let the long reload fool you, there are multiple ways to reload without actually reloading.

1. GS can constantly refill ammo using front-line supply: It adds rounds for each headshot. I often kill an entire swarm wave and the ammo count still reads 100+.
2. HellraiseExterminator have third-hand perk that reload the gun automatically after 15 kills. It’s really amazing with this weapon because you can just keep shooting. Watch out for ammo usage though, don't want to get too trigger happy and suddenly found out your ammo is 0
3. Fixer's ammo box can instantly reload it. Just remember to stay close to an ammo box, and also explosive ammo cancel out penetration. It's not semi-auto so fixer's power shot do not apply
4. Vanguard with quick hands perk can reload gun when you block a hit or charge. Just do a quick block and holster the shield, and you are back to full magazine.

Not sure why but this gun have FOUR unique perks. But bull’s horn is still the best because 5 out of 8 classes don’t have to worry about reloading. If you don’t like bull horn, boat tail is also great.
For common, custom barrel for dmg and acc is great, then Power perk. Veteran isn’t really needed because above mentioned shenanigans.
SMG: minor improvement, still meh though, need to test out lvl12 perk
A direct upgrade to the compact SMG. Use this gun exact same way as the compact SMG, short burst and aim for the head. It's more stable than compact so you can rack up multiple HS in a row even on full auto. Range and power is still an issue: it packs no punch past medium range, and ammo would run out way too fast. DEFINITELY need more carried ammo to be more effective. +1 Penetration is also bit hard to notice because it's weak. Use it if no other better alternatives available, or if you are playing medic with good aim. They really need to buff all SMG’s with more ammo.
Unique: CQB perk is basically third hand for slasher and Vanguard, pretty useful if you play these two class regularly. Perfectionist is meh unless you start with this weapon via perk. Semi-auto is suppose to be pretty good, but I haven’t been able to test it out since it's a lvl12 perk and I don't use SMG a lot
Common: anything that increases stat is OK. Ergonomics, veteran, and ammo pouch.
Combat shotgun: holy shit that eagle scout perk!
This gun is more like the T3 version after the update, but remember to slow down your trigger finer because firing too fast cause the accuracy to go down considerably. It’s a major upgrade from the tier 1 pump, just remember to pause and aim carefully vs small groups. No other complaints really.
Unique perk has to be eagle scout, period. It no longer carry the -4 magazine penalty, so now you simply has insane range for a shotgun and +1 more pen. No other unique perk affected a weapon as much as eagle scout, the practical difference is insane because this shotgun now has rifle-like range. If you have a hell raiser shotgun-build, it’s a complete blood bath until you run out of ammo. I won’t even go into the other two because there’s no point.
Common perk: I use custom sight for +2 accuracy because the default 3 acc is just too low. The rest is up to you.
Sniper rifle: major buff due to two round burst
Still the gold standard for semi-auto rifles. Just really high stats all around, it’s got everything you want except automatic fire. The key to use sniper is let it settle between shots. If you fire too fast, the bullets will go everywhere, so you have to pause between firing. Aim carefully and make shots count due to low carry capacity and low fire rate. You don’t want to miss at close range and then get beat up while reloading.
Unique perk: forget the old extreme perk, go for the new two round burst. The problem with old sniper is the slow fire-rate, so the two round burst compensated for that. Now you fire much faster with same accuracy. It’s another perk that fundamentally changes a gun in a good way. Just pay more attention to ammo since you chew thru twice as fast now.
Common perk: I use ergonomics II just because I want more handling for the second round to stay on target, so I’m willing to take that hit on reload speed. The last 3 perks are all very good too so take your pick.
PDW: still the same
Low stopping power, low accuracy, no pen, lots of ammo but not worth shit if you can't hit anything with it. To be honest I haven’t upgraded this thing enough to even hit level 8. But the base version is so bland it’s not worth the effort. I usually just keep pistol for sniping specials or shotgun for close quarter defense.
Fine motor skill unique perk does make it interesting if you are GS who like to switch guns.
I haven’t even upgraded this gun enough to see common perks yet.
Compact Shotgun: still the same
Decent secondary for personal protection, whip it out when zekes get too close and your primary magazine runs out. 4-round capacity is OK for emergencies and you can get it silenced, reloads fast as well. It definitely does not have the same stopping power as its primary weapon cousins, so do not expect to be able to drop zekes in one shot.
I haven’t even upgraded this gun enough to see common perks yet.
Dual-barrel shotgun: I did not upgrade this.
I used to use the unique version so I never haven’t bothered upgrading this; it’s only at level 2. At base level it's just a really powerful but short-ranged shotgun. I will update this later. Some people love this, others don’t, I am in the latter camp.
Revolver: work in progress
Revolver use to be bad and I used the unique version that didn’t require any upgrade, so it’s only at level 3. But I do think new revolver now packs a bit more punch because I am able to one-shot zeke more often now. Plus revolvers are just pretty bad ass looking in general. Wil update later if I upgrade it more.
Tier 3:
Assault Carbine: same old reliable with longer range
Carbine has gone through very few changes since the game release but finally getting buffs. It still works in all situations and for all classes, even though it's not the best at anything. I use it like a more stable AK. Only +1 penetration so it's not that good at pyramid killing, but it's great against smaller groups. Both small burst and full autos are pretty on-target so you can rely on it to always hit whatever you are aiming at. It’s still my top 3 guns for gunslingers because you can easily rack up multiple headshots in a row and replenish lots of ammo due to large magazine.
Unique: boat-tail round increase its accuracy and effective range, given carbine a very long range. It’s very effective at flat and open maps because you can pick up targets from very far away.
Common: Custom barrel, weight bullets, basically anything that adds more power and accuracy to kill faster.
Battle rifle: OMG WHY SABER WHY
Saber must’ve heard me saying how good this gun is so now they decided to nerf it hard. This use to be one of the best at mowing down pyramids due to automatic fire with +2 pen. But with XL update, even though other stats are left alone, both carrying capacity and magazine size took a large hit. The 25 round magazine is small for semi-auto fire mode and way too small for automatic, so you are reloading all the time and DPS goes way down. You have to park next to ammo crate because it runs out too fast. Power and accuracy are still great, but you can forget about the auto fire. I have switch this gun back to semi-mode because it’s still good when fired slower.
Unique: I am using boat tail, because the auto perk is nerfed. I treat it more like an upgrade to the T2 sport rifle, which is probably what Saber originally wanted this gun to be.
Common: Power and veteran I is good. If it really bothers you then extended mag and ammo pouch will increase ammo and capacity.
Bullpup: still a good weapon, not much changed
One of the best pyramid killer in the original release before it got power creeped, but still a great gun all around. Good stopping power due to 3-round burst, +2 penetration kills any horde and pyramid quickly. Extremely accurate at up to medium range. It's hard to find any fault with this thing except the low firing rate. The burst mode is demanding, use the gap between the burst to do proper aiming for best results. It's even better when fixers use it since now it's +4 Penetration. Total ammo is low, so watch that ammo usage.
Unique: I still use selective fire since I run fixer. It’s -1 penetration, but turns it into an automatic with optional zoom burst mode, and it's really ONLY for ammo fixers. This is THE FASTEST gun in the entire game, you chew through 45-round magazine in just a few seconds and drain the whole crate within 2-3 minutes. Only an ammo fixer can afford enough bullets to keep firing in auto mode, and it's ridiculously over-powered because it’s still treated as semi-auto rifle even during full auto mode. Just put down a few ammo box in front of yourself, and entire horde just disappeared due to sheet amount of explosive ammo travelling down range. Even bulls go down quickly due to all the explosive ammo to the face.
Common: weighted bullets since you use ammo box and veteran for faster reload. I use ergonomics II since reload time doesn’t matter too much if I am parked in front of ammo box.
Advanced SMG: No major change
Similar to T2 SMG but fire a bit faster with a bit more power, still not great though. Total ammo is the highest in game, but effective range is limited, so only use it at close/medium distance. It's easiest just to go full auto with this gun if you want to kill anything in a pile, or stick with long burst at close range. Its pretty weak against large swarm, OK with smaller groups.
For unique, go with FMJ for 1 more pen. This is one of only three automatic weapon that can do +2 penetration. With Battle rifle nerfed so badly, you are really down to this and T2 CBR. Power is further weakened but at least you have one more PEN. It’s better than the normal version.
Common: Custom round is must, SMG has such a short effective range. I also use weighted bullets to buff power since capacity is pretty high.
Special SMG: pretty much the same as before
The special SMG is what the advanced SMG should’ve been. Similar to tier 2 SMG but with more dmg, accuracy, and handling. Fire rate is lower than other SMG and you only get 40 rounds per magazine, but it's good enough. Carrying capacity is only 280 rounds so you do have to refill often. It's not really for swarm fights due to limited range and penetration, but works fine for smaller horde encounters at close distance. If you can aim well, the high accuracy and power is really good. Just don't expect to kill a ton of zekes with it.
Unique: First two perks are meh. Semi-auto sounds like a good idea, but it’s a lvl12 perk I haven’t reached yet.
Common: custom mag, range, and veteran are all good options.
ACW: Still GOAT
Still one of the best in game. The ammunition is explosive ammo and not an explosive, so explosive perk or nerf doesn't apply, and it has 0 penetration. High AOE dmg, good accuracy and handling, lots of ammo, good fire rate, you really can't ask for more. Each round can kill 6-7 zekes when things are all piled up due to higher AOE range. Just point and shoot, it requires very little aiming. The explosion range is similar to the cross-bow so be extremely careful when aiming for zeke clsoe to people (or yourself) because you might cause a lot of FF. Like other explosive ammo, it can hit a zeke during its death animation and waste a round. Not recommend for GS and fixer class, let weaker gun class like medic or DM have it. Vanguard/slasher should be careful with ACW because they usually zeke in close quarter, don’t splash dmg yourself, this weapon does not have shark skin perk.
Unique: Reparation perk is still the same as before the update, it’s a pretty good perk. Shrapnel is amazing though because it increase the explosive range of ammo for higher swarm killing power.
Common: Power and veteran is needed because this thing reloads slow.
Assault shotgun: good weapon got even better
This gun is awesome at close to medium range. Huge dmg, +2 pen fast fire rate, and 20 rounds magazine. You can mow down an entire fence easily. The range is pretty poor, so know your maps to know which area allows this gun to be most effective. It's a top tier choice for any class, but particularly good for Gunslingers and any class with third-hand. Carrying ammo is high so that's usually not a problem.
Unique perk: +10 Magazine anyone! Less reload is always good to increase DPS. Gunslinger with 30-round magazine is amazing since you refill 2 rounds per headshot. Even though it's not a game changer, bigger magazine is almost always a good buff
Common: I love custom round because it increase effective range. Also use ergonomics II to increase handling, this is one of the few guns that you can do run and gun with, so I took the reloading debuff for more handling.
Crossbow: from bad to decent, but still be very careful with it
I used to absolutely hate on this thing because too many newbs pick it up and just randomly hurt teammates with FF and cause all sort of havoc. It uses explosive ammo that cannot be silenced, so only use it during large battle when silence isn’t a consideration. Drop it as soon as swarm is over. AIM AWAY from your teammates and DON'T try to save your teammate with this thing, you will just blow them up with FF. It's nearly useless against bulls, but good vs all other specials including rats. I don’t recommend this weapon for newer players, you need to be good at aiming because your #1 priority is actually avoiding FF when using cross-bow.
Unique: You have to use shark skin. This perk used to carry a -1 magazine penalty, but that’s been removed. So now it’s just a really good ability. You can fire on the ground close to yourself instead of trying to hit a moving target with a slow bolt, and not worry about hurting yourself. Piecing bolt sounds good but not a good ability in practice because it reduces so much power.
Common: extended mag, veteran I are both good. You should have “Friend not foe” to reduce FF on teammates.
Multi-barrel shotgun: Saber what the heck is this thing, lol
First time I tried this gun, hated it. Level up a few times, loved it. Then I used it more, and now I hate it again. This guns is essentially a beefed up double-barrel. The amount of power is amazing; this thing collapse a pyramid in 2 rounds. But the range is just horrendous, you really have to be in melee range for it to have any noticeable effect. The pellets pattern is also extremely random with a very large and spread out cone. It’s not unusual for me to completely miss the zeke that’s 5 feet in front of me, but somehow kill the two zekes that’s on the side, which lead to some truly WTF moments. I don’t pick it up much anymore because on most maps zekes are just simply out of this gun’s reach. It’s great for Slasher and vanguard because they are always very close to target anyway.
Unique: Advanced user perk is great if you use vanguard shield to auto reload. Extortion works kinda the same but works for all other classes.
Common: this gun REALLY need custom rounds for more range because the default range is just terrible. Custom barrel is also a good choice for second slot.
Grenade Launcher: about the same as before
Unique weapon with very low spawn rate. It fires loud grenades, so don't use if you want to keep silent. One of the most fun gun to use and its low ammo is the only thing prevent it being abused. Refilling it 2-3 times in insane/extreme and ammo box is empty. Because it uses impact explosive grenade, GS's grenade perk and HR's explosive perk will both apply. It only explodes after hitting hard surface, so you can fire through teammates. The only class that can fully utilize its power is the hell raiser because of the extra explosive dmg perks.
Fun fact, you can spam this gun in “thief” mutator because each melee kill refills one ammo
Unique: If you are not a hellraiser, then the fire grenade perk is for you. The round works just like a molotov and Exterminator's molotov perks apply to it. You can use it choke off a small gap, or set a whole pyramid on fire. Kill and Heal is a great perk once you reach it, because it adds temp health.
Common: very few choice available, use Friend not foe to reduce accidental FF, and ammo pouch for one more round.
Flare gun: Still the only weapon without perk or upgrade
Just like the thumper, it's unique spawn with a very low rate. Flare guns are LOUD, so do not use it when you are trying to remain in stealth. But once silence is lifted, it's fun to use and very powerful when used correctly. When it first land, it attracts all zekes including specials in a small area similar to the C4 hello kitty perk. Use this to redirect dangerous specials away from your team like those 2 bulls + infector that will otherwise wreck your team. A few seconds after landing, it explodes and set zekes around it on fire and push them back. It doesn't attract too many, so it’s only good against smaller groups and specials. Lots of ammo but long reloading time, so only use it for emergencies. Let support class use this because they will keep you safe while the attack class works on the main body of the swarm.

Picture the scene...
It's late 1966, and Paul McCartney has died in a car accident. In spite of this tragedy the remainder of the Beatles opt to carry on as a group, though they are uncertain on how they should continue. Some ideas are put forward, with manager Brian Epstein even suggesting replacing McCartney with a lookalike so as to prevent massive public grief, though these ideas are all quickly dismissed. Instead they all agree that only one man is capable of replacing McCartney, one that both he and John Lennon had admired and whose unique blend of pop-styles made him a perfect candidate. That man is...
...Harry Nilsson.
​
The Beatles - Something Wicked This Way Comes (40:03) (1967) [LP]
Side One (19:08)

1. "1941" - 2:36 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Pandemonium Shadow Show]
2. "With a Little Help from My Friends" - 2:42 (by The Beatles)
3. "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" - 3:28 (by The Beatles)
4. "It's Been So Long" - 2:09 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Pandemonium Shadow Show]
5. "Miss Butter's Lament" - 2:20 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
6. "She's Leaving Home" - 3:16 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Pandemonium Shadow Show]
7. "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" - 2:37 (by The Beatles)

Side Two (20:55)

1. "Within You Without You" - 5:05 (by The Beatles)
2. "Nobody Cares About the Railroads Anymore" - 2:47 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Harry]
3. "Rainmaker" - 2:47 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Harry]
4. "Good Morning Good Morning" - 2:42 (by The Beatles)
5. "Daddy's Song" - 2:21 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Aerial Ballet]
6. "A Day in the Life" - 5:13 (by The Beatles)

All songs by the Beatles from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (NOTE: this fan album uses the mix of "A Day in the Life" from the 1967-1970 compilation and the mix of "Daddy's Song" from The Essential Nilsson).
​
The Beatles - Abracadabra (34:41) (1967) [LP]
Side One (18:59)

1. "Postcard" - 3:18 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
2. "Mournin' Glory Story" - 2:13 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Harry]
3. "Flying" - 2:16 (by The Beatles)
4. "Blue Jay Way" - 3:54 (by The Beatles)
5. "The Puppy Song" - 2:43 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Harry]
6. "I Am the Walrus" - 4:35 (by The Beatles)

Side Two (15:42)

1. "Gotta Get Up (Alternate Version)" - 2:19 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
2. "Strawberry Fields Forever" - 4:05 (by The Beatles)
3. "Fairfax Rag" - 2:14 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Harry]
4. "Baby You're a Rich Man" - 3:07 (by The Beatles)
5. "All You Need is Love" - 3:57 (by The Beatles)

All songs by the Beatles from Magical Mystery Tour.
​
The Beatles - "Down to the Valley" b/w "The Inner Light" (5:12) (1968) [Single]
Side One

1. "Down to the Valley (Alternate Mix)" - 2:35 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]

Side Two

1. "The Inner Light" - 2:37 (by the Beatles) [from Past Masters]

​
The Beatles - A Doll's House (98:33) (1968) [Double LP]
Side One (26:27)

1. "Subterranean Homesick Blues" - 3:17 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Pussy Cats]
2. "Dear Prudence" - 3:56 (by the Beatles)
3. "Glass Onion" - 2:18 (by the Beatles)
4. "Puget Sound" - 2:22 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Duit On Mon Dei]
5. "Coconut" - 3:48 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Nilsson Schmilsson]
6. "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" - 3:14 (by the Beatles)
7. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" - 4:45 (by the Beatles)
8. "Happiness is a Warm Gun" - 2:47 (by the Beatles)

Side Two (23:45)

1. "Me and My Arrow" - 2:04 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The Point!]
2. "I'm So Tired" - 2:03 (by the Beatles)
3. "Blackbird" - 2:28 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
4. "Piggies" - 2:04 (by the Beatles)
5. "Joy (Alternate Version)" - 2:30 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
6. "Don't Pass Me By" - 3:51 (by the Beatles)
7. "Down" - 3:24 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Nilsson Schmilsson]
8. "The Lottery Song" - 2:24 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Son of Schmilsson]
9. "Julia" - 2:57 (by the Beatles)

Side Three (25:36)

1. "Rock Around the Clock" - 3:12 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Pussy Cats]
2. "Yer Blues" - 4:01 (by the Beatles)
3. "Mother Nature's Son" - 2:42 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Harry]
4. "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey" - 2:24 (by the Beatles)
5. "Sexy Sadie" - 3:15 (by the Beatles)
6. "Jump Into the Fire" - 6:54 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Nilsson Schmilsson]
7. "Long Long Long" - 3:08 (by the Beatles)

Side Four (22:45)

1. "Revolution 1" - 4:15 (by the Beatles)
2. "Marchin' Down Broadway" - 1:05 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Harry]
3. "Savoy Truffle" - 2:54 (by the Beatles)
4. "Cry Baby Cry" - 3:02 (by the Beatles)
5. "Revolution 9" - 8:15 (by the Beatles)
6. "Good Night" - 3:14 (by the Beatles)

All songs by the Beatles from The Beatles (NOTE: this fan album uses the mix of "Me and My Arrow" from the Personal Best compilation).
​
The Beatles - "Without You" b/w "Revolution" (6:42) (1968) [Single]
Side One

1. "Without You" - 3:17 [from Nilsson Schmilsson]

Side Two

1. "Revolution" - 3:25 (by the Beatles) [from Past Masters]

​
The Beatles - Yellow Submarine (39:35) (1969) [LP]
Side One (21:51)

1. "Yellow Submarine" - 2:39 (by The Beatles)
2. "Only a Northern Song" - 3:24 (by The Beatles)
3. "Ten Little Indians" - 2:13 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Pandemonium Shadow Show]
4. "Hey Bulldog" - 3:12 (by The Beatles)
5. "It's All too Much" - 6:26 (by The Beatles)
6. "All You Need is Love" - 3:57 (by The Beatles)

Side Two (17:44)

1. "Pepperland" - 2:18 (by George Martin)
2. "Sea of Time" - 3:00 (by George Martin)
3. "Sea of Holes" - 2:16 (by George Martin)
4. "Sea of Monsters" - 3:35 (by George Martin)
5. "March of the Meanies" - 2:16 (by George Martin)
6. "Pepperland Laid Waste" - 2:09 (by George Martin)
7. "Yellow Submarine in Pepperland" - 2:10 (by George Martin)

All songs by the Beatles and George Martin from Yellow Submarine (NOTE: this fan album uses the mix of "Ten Little Indians" from the Personal Best compilation).
​
The Beatles - "Daybreak" b/w "Don't Let Me Down" (6:41) (1969) [Single]
Side One

1. "Daybreak (Single Version)" - 3:06 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]

Side Two

1. "Don't Let Me Down" - 3:35 (by the Beatles) [from Past Masters]

​
The Beatles - "The Ballad of John and Yoko" b/w "Old Brown Shoe" (6:18) (1969) [Single]
Side One

1. "The Ballad of John and Yoko" - 3:00 (by the Beatles)

Side Two

1. "Old Brown Shoe" - 3:18 (by the Beatles)

All songs from Past Masters.
​
The Beatles - Everest (52:45) (1969) [LP]
Side One (23:54)

1. "Come Together" - 4:19 (by the Beatles)
2. "Something" - 3:02 (by the Beatles)
3. "Cuddly Toy" - 2:45 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Pandemonium Shadow Show]
4. "You're Breakin' My Heart" - 3:10 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Son of Schmilsson]
5. "Octopus' Garden" - 2:51 (by the Beatles)
6. "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" - 7:47 (by the Beatles)

Side Two (28:51)

1. "Here Comes the Sun" - 3:05 (by the Beatles)
2. "Because" - 2:45 (by the Beatles)
3. "How Can I Be Sure of You" - 3:06 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
4. "Think About Your Troubles (First Alternate Version)" - 2:35 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
5. "Sun King" - 2:26 (by the Beatles)
6. "Mean Mr. Mustard" - 1:06 (by the Beatles)
7. "Polythene Pam" - 1:13 (by the Beatles)
8. "At My Front Door" - 2:46 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Son of Schmilsson]
9. "Life Line (Alternate Version)" - 2:31 (by Harry Nilsson) [from The RCA Albums Collection]
10. "Good for God" - 3:23 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Duit On Mon Dei]
11. "The Most Beautiful World in the World" - 3:33 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Son of Schmilsson]
12. "Closing" - 0:22 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Aerial Pandemonium Ballet]

All songs by the Beatles from Abbey Road.
​
The Beatles - Remember (35:42) (1970) [LP]
Side One (17:47)

1. "Driving Along" - 2:02 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Nilsson Schmilsson]
2. "Dig a Pony" - 3:54 (by the Beatles)
3. "Across the Universe" - 3:48 (by the Beatles)
4. "I Me Mine" - 2:26 (by the Beatles)
5. "Dig It" - 0:50 (by the Beatles)
6. "Remember (Christmas)" - 4:07 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Son of Schmilsson]
7. "Maggie Mae" - 0:40 (by the Beatles)

Side Two (17:55)

1. "Ambush" - 5:35 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Son of Schmilsson]
2. "One After 909" - 2:54 (by the Beatles)
3. "I'll Never Leave You" - 4:11 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Nilsson Schmilsson]
4. "For You Blue" - 2:32 (by the Beatles)
5. "Daybreak" - 2:43 (by Harry Nilsson) [from Son of Dracula]

All songs by the Beatles from Let It Be.
​
And so concludes this alternate universe in which Harry Nilsson replaces Paul McCartney as a member of the Beatles in 1967. And while the concept sounds a bit silly at first, I think it works surprisingly well and certainly better than if Nilsson had been replacing Lennon or Harrison. For one, most of Nilsson's Beatles covers were McCartney songs anyway ("She's Leaving Home", "Blackbird", "Mother Nature's Son") and are easily slotted into their respective places on these albums. Nilsson also had a penchant for writing and performing the type of "granny music" McCartney was notoriously known for ("When I'm Sixty-Four" and "Honey Pie", compared to "Nobody Cares About the Railroads Anymore" and "Marchin' Down Broadway"). They both also did their fair share of genre excursions, including ska ("Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da" and "Puget Sound"), hard rock ("Helter Skelter" and "Jump Into the Fire"), country ("Rocky Raccoon" and "Joy"), piano ballads ("Let It Be" and "Remember (Christmas)") and nursery rhymes ("All Together Now" and "Ten Little Indians"). Granted, there are definitely parts of these fan albums that don't quite work, such as the lack of segues between certain tracks (the beginning of "With a Little Help from My Friends" and the majority of side two of Everest) or certain Beatles songs being multi-part medleys that feature short sections with McCartney on lead vocals ("A Day in the Life", "Cry Baby Cry"). While most of these issues can be improved upon with some editing, for now I'll stick to this subreddit's rules and just leave these fan albums as YouTube and Spotify playlists (though I might be able to provide a custom mix of these albums upon request). Hopefully I'm not the only one who enjoys these fan albums almost as much as the original records in certain places.
(Also yes, this is my second Nilsson fan album in a row, sue me)

Yeah I put this off until the last minute, I’ve had enormous difficulty communicating all my life so please bear with me. I don’t think one person knows this whole story but I realize it’s time I find a way to let my voice be heard. Hopefully it’s come together well enough after a week of working on it...
I was the kid that won all the first place trophies and held all the records on track and field day in kindergarten. Always outside doing whatever adrenaline pumping activity I could get myself into. From early on my parents recognized that I needed an environment that team competitive sports provides. Justifiably so, I would never trade the life lessons earned while playing American football for those read in a class room.
I suited up for the gridiron at 7 years old. I was padded from the toes up and it felt incredible, like I was a tank! The coaches loved me, I was short and stout, quick, sharp and fearless. It didn’t take long before I was playing on both sides of the ball, as running back on offense, safety on defense and returner on kickoffs. I was on the field the whole game. The attention as a team leader was intoxicating, it hooked me for life. I suffered my first on field concussion the following year.
It was the first game of the season, the bleachers seemed packed. Near the beginning of the game, playing as free safety, I see my opportunity to not let the team down. The ball gets handed off to their running back, a smaller guy like me, bursts around the mass of blockers to the outside and lights a fire down the sideline. Nothing between him and the touchdown, I project myself into his path and charge ahead like a game of chicken. Littler dude gets even lower than me, his helmet hitting me square in the diaphragm, lifts me clean off the ground and runs through me as though I wasn’t there. I land on my back, head hits the grass. Next thing I know I’m being lifted into an ambulance after being carried off the field on a stretcher. This was my first year of full contact play after a season of flag football and I clearly had not yet grasped the differences. I was in 2nd grade.
As I was enrolled in speech and hearing therapy at school, coaches began teaching me to get over that big hit by hitting the next kid even harder. I began to yearn the brutality of the game even as I took more punishment. The cycle was vicious. Looking back it really seems as though the coaches had some other agenda or issue that fed the aggression. We were coached to lead with our heads because shoulder pads were far too small proportionately and they’d make fun of us after a game if we couldn’t count multiple paint streaks embedded into the plastic on our helmets. Those paint marks were made by helmet to helmet contact, the more impactful the hit, the greater your “trophy”. Some kids earned more trophies than I and it pissed me off so I’d hit harder. They’d line us up one-on-one and tell us to knock the other guy off his feet if we wanted to play in the next game. I couldn’t begin to count the times I was laid out left counting the birds flying over my head in practice alone. Guys would go down every night, coaches laughing, “Aww get him some gatorade, he’s fine. Sit out 10 minutes and get back in here little guy.” I went on to play another 5 years in mostly the same positions until one day, after a difficult practice and a conversation with a close teammate, we dropped our pads and never looked back. But the damage had been done, my path had already been irrevocably set.
After that first on field concussion in 2nd grade, I went on to endure countless concussions over the next 7 years, first from football, then bike riding, fighting and skateboarding. It seemed after a few days of balance issues, blurry vision or headaches, I had no lingering problems and follow-up medical care was nonexistent at the time. It would be easier to recount the couple dozen times I was knocked unconscious, including one that kept me in the hospital for a week. I was so harebrained by high school, I attempted my fourth day of ninth grade black out drunk. The next day I was allowed back on campus I got busted with a joint. At 14, I ran away from home and made it 800 miles before being picked up by cops while breaking into cars for spare change. I was headed for Colorado to build a cabin. Wtf did I know about any of that? And I nearly made it. I quit school, 8th grade was my last year of formal education. Would wonder around the city drinking or smoking anything I could get a hold of. I’d go skateboarding atop some of the tallest buildings in Atlanta or scoot around the woods on an ATV while blindly firing my buddy’s .44 into the air. I shouldn’t have lived through it all, I have dear friends that didn’t. But at 15 I had an epiphany (thanks to LSD), packed a box and moved 400 miles away from everything and everyone. I was somehow able to hit the reset button and leave that volatile part of my life behind and spend the next several years recovering from the constant brain trauma.
Fast forward a few decades and what I’m left with is an inability to manage my life beyond today, I’ve been stuck in flight or fight mode ever since and I’m exhausted with looking over my shoulder. I’m feeling the effects of early onset dementia as I type this and I’m actually scared for the first time in my life. My days have moved beyond forgetting where I put my keys to nearly burning the house down when I run to the store forgetting that I was in the middle of cooking. I haven’t driven a vehicle in years because I’m scared I’ll hurt someone in a fit of road rage or forget why I left home in the first place. The few hours of sleep I may get is the only way to escape the screaming in between my ears and it makes rolling out of bed all the more difficult. I’ve lived in 27 different homes yet never owned my own. It’s been a rarity to hold a job or relationship more than a couple of years and have no savings for retirement. I’ve all but given up friendships and not had a meaningful conversation with my kids in years and I can’t blame them at all. I think about them all day and it hurts beyond words knowing that I’m the asshole and they’re better off without me around much. Have a talk with the person sitting next to you when your only available emotion is anger and see how many more conversations they willingly have with you. Imagine that being your dad. It’s as if there’s a switch that’s never been flipped and I’m incapable of appropriately expressing emotions in the moment. I really don’t mean to be the prick, I simply can’t help it. But I’ll never let you see the side of me cowering in the bathroom bawling my eyes out once I have time to reflect.
I’m 48 years young now and launching a new mission in life, to help educate those on how it takes a community to provide a safe environment for our children. Not one person has all the right answers and alone we fail. Whether it be coaches, school administrators, parents or the medical field, the system failed me. I would never advocate to end youth football, but why does it need to be combative? Too many have tragically lost their voices without even knowing football damaged their brains. The year I fell in love with the game was the year I played low-contact flag football, it becomes something else entirely when you start hitting each other.
It’s time to ban youth tackle football. Is it radical, yes. So were seatbelts and smoking bans.
Converting youth football to a flag system is the only remaining viable solution to making football safer for our kids. CA and NY have recently submitted proposals, it’s time lawmakers in other states step forward. The NFL’s most recent Pro Bowl gave flag rules a shot, the fans and players enjoyed it so much it’s here to stay. If the NFL gets its proposal to the 2028 Olympic Games approved, it will be no-contact flag football rules as well. If future iterations of the game are evolving to keep adult players safe, when will youth sports follow? Why aren’t kids more protected and supported when less than 1% of them will go on to play in the NFL?
Stay strong and Stop Hitting Kids in the Head; https://concussionfoundation.org/stop-hitting-kids-in-the-head
FYI; I have a difficult time living in the moment so give me a few days and I’ll do my best to circle back around to this post. Know that I appreciate all of you at cte for coming along on this journey of discovery with me. I am not the best at providing emotional support either but know that I look forward to getting us to a place where we can all be there more for each other. I’m thinking of you when I post and I will continue sharing my research along the way, please share yours and know that you are safe here.
Additional links;
Age of first exposure to tackle football and years played associated with less white matter in brain; https://medicalxpress.com/news/2023-03-age-exposure-tackle-football-years.html
Three or more concussions add up to long-term cognitive problems; https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2023/jan/31/three-or-more-concussions-add-up-to-long-term-cognitive-problems-study-suggests
CTE Center Director Ann McKee says the NFL ignores the risks of repetitive blows to the head and that it’s “foolish” to think the league will police itself; https://www.bu.edu/articles/2023/bu-finds-cte-in-nearly-92-percent-of-former-nfl-players-studied/
How Psychedelic Therapy Can Help Treat Brain Injury; https://www.psychedelicpassage.com/how-psychedelic-therapy-can-help-treat-brain-injury/
Before You Let Your Kids Play Football, Read This; https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/play-in-mind/202301/before-you-let-your-kids-play-football-read-this

I have always been a fan of Jack Monroe (Nomad). And I despise how he was killed off by Winter Soldier. So a few months out of boredom I wrote this... I posted it here (with images) too - http://comicreliefpodcast.com/archives/2627
​
Today…
Tradition.
It’s something we do all the time; force of habit, superstitions, memorial – whatever the reason, we all have our traditions.
My name is Bucky Barnes. I was once known, throughout history, as Captain America’s side kick, “Bucky” fighting those Nazi soldiers, such as Red Skull, who sought to destroy the world. In that war, it was believed that both Captain America – Steve Rogers – and I had perished. Steve was found, frozen alive – in suspended animation, years after the war. I had also survived, but at the cost of my arm.
I wasn’t found by American soldiers, or friendlies. I was actually found by Russians, who took me – broken as I was – and gave me a robotic arm, and made me a part of their organization. You see, surviving the explosion had also destroyed my memories. I had no idea who I was – only the muscle memory of fighting, as I’d learned to do from Captain America.
As this “Winter Soldier” – I did a lot of things. A lot of things I wasn’t proud of. For example, I blew up a part of downtown Philadelphia and then tried to frame Jack Monroe, Captain America’s other “sidekick” for it. But it wasn’t enough that I was going to frame Jack Monroe, I also shot him, in cold blood, when he was defenseless and threw him in my trunk.
It would turn out that Captain America would get a hold of the Cosmic Cube and force me to remember everything. All of my sins. All of the things I’d done.
​
They forgave me. Said I wasn’t in control of who I was.
That made things worse, really. I wanted to feel like I should be punished. But Steve… he was shocked… maybe happy to see me alive. But when I told him what I’d done to Jack, I saw that pain in his face. The hurt. He wasn’t close to Jack – they’d have their difference, but I know Steve had always felt like Jack was the one that Steve could never help.
I ended up taking Jack’s body and burying it at Green-Wood in Brooklyn. I’ve made it a tradition to come out here – and say I am sorry. Because in the end, Jack didn’t have anyone. He’d lost touch with Steve Rogers, lost touch with the kid he’d adopted – she now goes by Julie Winters. I’ve found her. Send them money to take care of them every month as a mysterious benefactor. I don’t want the credit. I don’t want to be known. I just want to try and make some of the things I’ve done wrong, right now.
​
Imagine my surprise, when I arrived today – just like I did every year, and his grave is dug up. But there’s something weird – it’s not that someone dug up this grave. It’s like whoever was inside, clawed their way out. But how can that be? I know it’s Jack that was in this grave. And I shot him point blank. He was dead when I put him in the trunk. He was dead when I buried him here. I’m certain of it.
​
Three Months Ago…
Darkness!
Where am I?
I can barely move my arms? Am I in a coffin?
Memories… like a shattered mirror. Fragments. Broken. So many reflections. So many faces. Bucky. Nomad. Scourge.
Bucky.
Wait. What’s the last thing I remember?
Pull yourself together.
Pick up the pieces of the mirror.
My name is Jack. Jack Monroe.
Last thing I remember – there was someone – a drug lord in town – I was drinking at the bar. Went outside. Someone said my name.
Gunned me down.
Dear Lord, I am inside a coffin.
I take a deep breath – pull my arms close to my chest and push up on the roof of the coffin. It barely moves.
Then I remember Doctor Jane Foster. She said I was dying. My body was falling apart, killing itself.
How am I alive? If being gunned down didn’t kill me, then time should have finished me in.
And yet – as I push on this coffin lid, I can feel it giving way. It’s creaking. My strength had been giving out, just before I was gunned down – how is it back?
​
The lid finally cracks, breaks, and dirt begins pouring into the grave. It’s like swimming in concrete, digging my way out. When I finally breach, I take a deep breath of fresh air – and see I have just dug myself out of my own grave. A concrete marker reads:
Here Lies Jack Monroe;
A Hero The World Needed
Taken Too Soon.
​
That’s… nice.
As I pull myself out and sit on my own grave mound, I can see someone’s come by visiting my grave. Who? Cap, maybe?
Who gunned me down?
Was it one of those drug lords?
Was I getting too close?
I brush myself off – head over to a second hand clothing store, and manage to convince the store clerk to give me some clothes. I head back to the bar – see if they have some video footage.
The bartender tells me it’s been almost two years since he’s seen me.
Have I been gone for two years?
I ask about the video footage – he says he’s not sure if he has it that far back. He comes back and gives me a drive – said it’s been recorded over, but if I am techy enough I might be able to pull something off the drive.
I just happen to have a fair share of tech, if my storage space is still good. Should be. I prepaid it for ten years – told them I needed privacy. When I got free of the “Scourge” nanites, I ended up working with the Thunderbolts – even checked up on them a little later. But I kept the equipment I’d gathered when I worked as Scourge.
Going back – I am easily able to recover the old data on this drive. It takes a few sweeps of the program – but even when it’s done – I make it do a few more scans. Because it can’t be right.
The person who shot me – he looks a lot like Bucky Barnes, Steve’s side kick who died in World War II.
But every scan tells me this is the cleanest image – I’ll be damned, Bucky Barnes tried to kill me.
Well, he did kill me.
​
Today… Green-Wood Cemetery…
“What the Hell is going on?”
“When you came at me, you shot me in cold blood, in the dark, no chance to even fight,” a voice calls out from the dark. “I think the bullet proof Kevlar vest may have protected me, or something else… but I am going to give you a chance to explain yourself.”
Bucky Barnes turned around, “Who?”
“You don’t recognize the man you murdered?” the voice called back.
“I’ve murdered a few people in my time,” Bucky growled, hands going to his weapon he always carried. “Care to elaborate?”
“We had something in common, you and I,” the voice calls out. “We both fought side by side next to a Captain America. You fought next to Steve Rogers, I fought along side a slightly deranged man by the name of William Burnside.”
“Jack? Jack is that you?” Bucky called out, still unable to determine where Jack’s voice had been coming from.
“Winner, winner,” Jack Monroe’s voice replied. “So why did you do it?”
“Shoot you?” Bucky called out after a moment. “Would you believe mind control?”
“Another thing we have in common,” Jack responded. “I was mind controlled, as well, once. It’s amazing what they forgive when you tell someone that you were mind controlled, right? I shot a killed a young girl named Helen Takahama – better known as Jolt, from the Thunderbolts. Turns out, she’s got something in common with you and I – looks like she came back from the dead too. Just can’t keep a good fighter down, can you?”
“So why are you here? Why are you hiding? Why all the questions?” Bucky called out, his gun drawn. “Is this revenge?”
“Revenge?” Jack’s voice called out, almost laughing. “I don’t need revenge. But the thing is, I want to test myself. I’ve been out of the game. And I’ve done some reading on you – you took over Cap’s thing after he got ‘killed’ too. You’ve done a lot – even left a new version of the Thunderbolts… see how the thread of our lives keep weaving together? So pardon me if I give you the same treatment you gave me…”
At that moment, Jack, who’d used the Pym particles he’d used with the Scourge outfit, grew to incredible size, striking Bucky with an uppercut that sent him flying. “All of my life,” Jack continued, as he slammed his fist down into the ground, barely missing Bucky, “I’ve lived in someone else’s shadow. Whether it was William’s or Steve’s. If I wasn’t living in someone’s shadow, I was being manipulated.”
Bucky fired a number of rounds from his gun; but the bullets in his gun were not the kind that would kill a target – rather the electrical pulse would trigger upon impact. One bullet was enough to down an elephant easily – six shots into the enlarged Jack Monroe, and he wasn’t showing any signs of slowing down.
“When I was struggling with myself, when I was with Steve, he’d tell me about some of the things that Pym had gone through – his own crisis of life – even how Hawkeye, for awhile lost himself – going from archer to giant man! We all are weak. It wasn’t just me.”
As Bucky got to his feet and scrambled up a tree to get a clean shot Jack, out of nowhere – a glider nearly missed him – but he was able to duck, grab the bottom and swing himself on top of it, gaining control of the glider. This, he’d recognized as the same glider that Jack had used as Scourge. Bucky leapt at Jack from the glider, but at that moment Jack reduced himself to normal size; and the two tumbled on the ground before both standing on their feet.
Bucky had his gun at Jack’s temple, but Jack had drawn a short that had been shrunk to full size and had it under Bucky’s chin.
“Don’t make me pull this trigger, Jack.”
“Don’t make me pick your brain clean with my sword, then.”
Jack withdrew the blade first just as Bucky holstered his gun.
“What was this really about?” Bucky asked.
“It really was about proving I could still fight. When I dug myself up from that grave,” he gestured to the grave that he’d dug up again, “I was still trying to piece myself together. When I got out – I found out it’d been you who shot me. I didn’t know why. But as I did my research, I knew what happened. I started following you. Learned your pattern. Knew you made it a tradition to visit the grave, when I tapped into the cemetery’s surveillance footage. I even found the footage of myself – the time I thought I was beating up drug dealers, and in my confused state of mind, turns out it was every day people. But I don’t know why or how my strength came back. How my mind feels clear again. How I became me again.”
“Let me help you,” Bucky extended his hand. “I want to help. I want to make this,” he gestured between them. “Whatever this is – I want to make it right.”
​
Avengers Mansion
Hank Pym folded his arms across his chest as he stared at the computer read outs.
“What do you got for me, doc?” Jack asked, sitting in a chair nearby.
“As far as I can tell, Doctor Jane Foster was right,” Pym explained, pointing out some scans. “I can see here where you body seemed to be killing itself. Your immune system turned on itself. But, by the looks of it – when Bucky shot you – your body ‘died’ – but it didn’t really die. It simply shut down. As far as I can tell, between the super soldier serum that was destroying your body and the nanites – something created a very unique reaction. It literally appears as if your entire body went into a state of hibernation. The best way to describe this read out, Jack is that – your body underwent something similar to a caterpillar’s life – when they enter the cocoon stage – and during the pupa stage, the old body literally dies and a new body forms inside the protective shell known as a chrysalis. Your old body died, to make way to a new body that has adapted to all that’s been done to it, creating this new body. Your new body shows no signs of the serum at all – but you have super natural strength and agility, as we saw with the tests we’ve run.”
“So I am all cured?” Jack asked with a smirk.
“Cured, I guess, would be a way of explaining this,” Pym agreed. “I’d like to run some more tests – and test the limits of your strength and agility. It seems pretty close to Steve’s.”
“That’s all right, doc,” Jack stood up and put on his jacket. “I really don’t want to be compared to Steve anymore. I’m my own person now.”
To Be Continued?

Respect The Chief

You're home now. We could finally make an officer of you. You'd have Admiral without much of an argument from anyone.
No offense, sir, but "The Admiral" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 is the most important figure of the human race in the mid-26th century. Abducted at the age of six by the Office of Naval Intelligence (ONI), he was conscripted into the SPARTAN-II program. The initiative was originally designed to crush human rebellion against the Unified Earth Government as the human Insurrection movement neared its tipping point. John endured harsh physical and mental training, survived the physical augmentations required by the program, and was later matched with state-of-the-art Mjolnir battle armor.
Throughout his training and early career, John emerged as a clear leader among the Spartans and was set to lead a successful UNSC campaign to stop a brewing human civil war. Though through circumstance, he became the sole savior of the human race several times over. First, in the face of an alien hegemony called the Covenant--an advanced alien empire bent on the complete destruction of humanity. Later, against an eldritch parasite known as the Flood which toppled both the Ancient Human and Forerunner empires of the past. Most recently, John defended humanity against the efforts of an ancient Forerunner general called the Didact, who returned to take his revenge against humanity for wars fought a hundred millennia in the past.
Notes

• Feats are shown in chronological order in-universe
• Feats showing relevant scaling or context will be indented
• Hover over a feat to see the source.

Height: 6'10" // 7'2" (In armor)
Weight: 130 kg // 451.3 kg (In armor)

General Info (Augmentations / Mjolnir Armor)

Pre-Augmentation / Training
Spartans were heavily trained almost daily since they were kidnapped at the age of 6, leading them to become physically and mentally prime by the young age of 14 even before receiving their augmentations.

Dr. Halsey marveled at what a spectacular physical specimen he had grown into. Fourteen years old and he had the body of an eighteen-year-old Olympic athlete, and a mind the equal of any Naval Academy honors graduate.

Description of an unaugmented 14 year old John; The Fall of Reach Ch 6

Augmentations
Codenamed Project: ASTER, the Spartan candidates were augmented to drastically increase their physiology and physical capabilities. Their bones were laced with powerful material to make them 'virtually unbreakable', their muscle tissue density was increased and lactase recovery time was decreased, they were given hormones to boost skeletal and muscle growth, increased eyesight, and had their nerves altered to drastically increase reaction time.

• At the age of 14, Spartans could sprint at bursts of 55 kph (~34 mph) and had estimated reaction times of 20 milliseconds, though they would likely be significantly higher in combat due to adrenaline. They could lift three times their body weight and they have night vision.

MJOLNIR Armor / Stat boosts

The feats in this RT will sorted by which armor John is wearing, as each iteration of Mjolnir armor increases his abilities further.
Unarmored - These feats occur after John receives his augmentation, but without any Mjolnir armor. They also all happen to occur when he is 14 years old and still recovering from his augmentations.
MJOLNIR Mark IV - The Mk IV was the first iteration of armor given to John and the rest of Spartan II's at the age of 15.

• General description, it doubles it's wearers strength and increases reaction times by a factor of five.
  • Their reaction times were previously given to be a low end of 20 milliseconds, meaning with Mk IV it is at a low end of 5 milliseconds.
• The suit is so reactive and powerful that normal humans would be torn apart trying to use it.
• The suit can operate in vacuum by recycling air for 90 minutes. It is also shielded against radiation and EMP.
• The armor possesses motion sensors and thermal imaging to detect enemy troops.
• The armor is almost immediately given additional prototype upgrades, such as thrusters, surveillance drones, wrist-blades and active camouflage.
  • The active camo allows Spartans to walk right in the middle of a group of soldiers without them noticing.

Neural interface / Onboard Computer
Mjolnir armor is linked to Spartans with a neural interface, which means they simply have to think and the armor would perform an action. Combined with the onboard computer, it allows Spartans to do things such as place Waypoint markers, or targets on their HUDs with a thought.

• An example of its use during a fight, John can move his limbs with a thought to overwhelm attackers.
• The suit 'knows what John is thinking before he does', it's able to control the suit functions and John can control the suits thrusters with his thoughts.
• The onboard computer can predict where artillery shots would land during an artillery barrage, and guide them to safer locations.
• Spartans can share targeting data.
• Mjolnir's onboard computer can place HUD markers at designated targets.
• The onboard computer can calculate probable landing zones for enemy dropships.
• Mjolnir predicting the optimal time to dodge plasma cannon fire from Banshees.

MJOLNIR Mark V - Deployed almost two and a half decades after the previous iteration of MJOLNIR, the Mk V now possessed recharging energy shields but retained the same double strength multiplier as the Mk IV.

• General description, it includes two major improvements being the addition of rechargeable energy shields and the ability to house an AI (See previous Cortana section).
• The suit has sound receivers that can hear a whisper a hundred meters away.
• Energy shields begin regenerating 5 seconds after last being hit and take 4 seconds to fully recharge from a total drain (Gameplay).

Cortana - Cortana is the AI that was paired with Master Chief for Operation: REDFLAG, she is present for the feats that occur while John is wearing MJOLNIR Mk V and most while wearing Mk VI.

• Cortana provides tactical and strategic information to John in the field, is able to infiltrate computer and communication systems and greatly improves John's reaction time.

Hacking

• Cortana was loaded with ONI's best insurgency/hacking software in preparation for Operation: RED FLAG.
• While put to work checking the ssytems of a UNSC warship, Cortana runs through ONIs computesecurity systems on the planet Reach for fun, easily overwhelming other ONI AIs.
• She hacks a Covenant carrier, first from the outside disabling it's weapons and communications systems for a short while, allowing her squad to board it. Then when aboard the ship she develops a path for her ground team, gives false tracking info to the Covenant hunter-killer teams and ultimately vents the ships atmosphere killing most of the thousands of Covenant aboard.
  • Outside of Cortana, the Covenant were generally far above the UNSC in terms of network security, with Dr. Halsey comparing the Covenants understanding of human systems within a few weeks of first contact to the UNSCs understanding of the Covenants after several decades.

MJOLNIR Mark VI - Due to the UNSCs rapid advances in technology, the Mk VI was deployed less than two months after the Mk V rendering it obsolete, containing major improvements in both shielding and stat multipliers.

• The Mk VI increases the wearers strength by a factor of 5, making them 2.5x stronger than in previous Suits. The Suit also has self contained biofoam injectors, pumping Spartans full of the UNSCs miracle drug in case they are ever injured.
  • Biofoam stabilizes most wounds and allows limited combat ability even in the event of limb loss.
  • A Spartan suffering from a gruesome headshot has his wound filled with biofoam and is back in combat within a relatively short time.
• The Mk VI's energy shields are much more powerful and recharge a lot faster.
• Energy shields begin regenerating 4.25 seconds after last being hit, and take 1.75 seconds to fully recharge from a total drain (Gameplay).

MJOLNIR GEN 2 - The second generation of MJOLNIR armor developed after the Human-Covenant war ended. Every aspect of the armor has been improved upon and thrusters are now built into each set of armor, drastically increasing maneuverability.

• Every suit now comes with built in thrusters.
  • Spartans can use their thrusters to effectively fly.
• The armor expects when combat is coming and optimizes it's systems automatically.
• GEN 2 armor has 360 degree vision that sees far into the EM spectrum.
• Magnet Boots - Allows Spartans to fight while walking vertically down the side of a skyscraper sized ship.
• The armor has self repair systems in case the shielding and suit is ever pierced.

Skill

Unarmored

• At the age of 14, John kills/cripples four ODSTs easily. - literature version
• John alongside three other Spartans capture a bunker from guards wearing the Mjolnir Mark I armor, which would have taken 2 to 3 platoons of Marines to capture. - Mjolnir Mark I info/picture.
• Spartans have been trained to fight in zero gravity.
• Spartan IV candidates are trained in several martial arts such as Aikido, Jiu-Jitsu and Krav Maga. Presumably the Spartan IIs are heavily trained with them.

Mk IV

• At the age of 15, John alongside Kelly, Fred and Linda wiped an army of well over 100 Covenant, including several Elite Ultras, Zealots and a Field Marshall.
• John and his Spartans are trained to identify high value targets based off subtle visual cues, making it easy to snipe enemy commanders.
• While defending a planet over the course of a few days, John alongside the rest of Blue team destroyed over 100 Wraith tanks.
• Speedruns through a Covenant carrier alongside Fred and Kelly.
• Both Dr. Halsey and Cortana conclude John is overall the best Spartan.
• He has been awarded every major service medal except the Prisoner of War Medallion.

Mk V

• During Johns testing for the Mk V armor, he faces off against a fighter jet that is so fast it regularly travels in and out of visible range. John tanks it's 50mm autocannons, then deflects and tanks an anti tank missile, afterwards sprinting away at 66 mph though he tears his Achilles tendon doing so.
• While fighting a particularly massive (10 ft+ tall) Sangheilli in low gravity, John uses his skill to beat the Elite even though they were evenly matched in strength.

Mk VI

• John escapes deadly situations so often that he almost believes that death is optional for him.
• He's confident he can wipe out an entire Covenant unit of 50 infantry and 4 Wraith tanks without any heavy weapons, but he chooses to save a group of soldiers instead.
• Merks 40+ Brutes by himself.
• Each Spartan II has 'the equivalent combat power of an entire Sector Fleet'.
• John is proficient in all aspects of infantry tactics, as well as low gravity combat. He is able to effectively lead detachments the size of battalions, and UNSC personnel of all ranks generally defer to his leadership.
  • John was offered to be made an Admiral by the UNSCs Fleet Admiral and head of their Security Council, but he refused.

GEN 2

• Alongside Blue team, John fights through a massive army of Prometheans.
• Spartans are able to punch out the Warden Eternal while evading his sword swings.

Strength

Unarmored

• During John's first time working out while recovering from receiving his augmentations, he notes that 1 G of gravity feels too light and 2 G's feels more normal.
• 14 year old John breaks the bones of ODST's and disfigures them with his strikes.
• At 14 years old, Spartans could not train against normal humans anymore due to repeatedly killing them by accident, so their trainers had to be placed in Mjolnir Mark I armor.
• At the age of 14, John kicks a man wearing a MJOLNIR Mark I exoskeleton eight meters away.
  • Another child Spartan could dent the heavy metal plates of the armor with his punches, the armor is impervious to light weapons.
• At the age of 14, John wrenches and rips a 30 millimeter minigun off a MJOLNIR Mark I exoskeleton with his bare hands.
• Shortly after receiving their augmentations, Spartans could lift three times their body weight.

Mk IV

• The Mk IV doubles it's wearers strength.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR he could shatter concrete targets with a punch
• John lifts a Spec Ops Elite overhead and folds him on his own energy sword.
• 15 year old John lifts and throws a cargo sled that was large enough to haul an entire platoon alongside a couple of pieces of artillery, and long enough to hold two Spartans lying end-to-end.
• John buckles the leg of a Special-Forces/Bloodstar Elite sideways with a stomp.
• John beats the arm of a Silent Shadow Elite until it's wrist is snapped sideways.
• Effortlessly punches through a weapons locker that was undamaged by a man bashing it with a large gas canister.
• John can effectively wield 110 kg Gauss cannons and use them for hit and run attacks against a column of 50 Covenant tanks.
• At the age of 16, John is able to withstand 12 metric tons of force on his legs.
• While 16 years old, John gets pinned down by an alien spider-like vehicle that was larger than a Warthog but it doesn't crush him, he is able to partially lift it. He also implies he has pushed Warthogs off of him before.
• Rips a steel and bullet-proof glass security door off of its steel reinforcing on a wall.
• An Insurrectionist general believes John can rip him in half.
• Crushes a Jackal's skull with a kick.
• John, alongside three other Spartans (one of whom was injured and missing an arm) push a 3x3x6 meter quartz monolith, an object that would weigh over 125 metric tons.
• John travels while carrying a half-ton Spartan over his shoulder.
• The Franchise Development Director of Halo, Frank O'Connor, states that Spartans can flip and bench press tanks, which correlates with their in game ability to flip tanks.
  • Halo CE's manual states that flipping vehicles is accomplished by his strength.
  • While flipping tanks is a high end / outlier for Spartans wearing earlier armor, GEN 2 wearing Spartans have been shown flipping tanks with only the shock wave of their strikes.

Mk V

• The Mk V possesses the same 2x strength multiplier as the Mk IV, so he should be able to replicate these feats in the previous Mk IV section.
• Runs through a field of razor wire, snapping them effortlessly.
• While specifically holding back to not kill them, John cripples many ODST's who are trying to kill him. Notably John breaks alot of bones, pulls a gun that is being held by an ODST so hard his shoulder dislocates, and bends the barrel of an assault rifle rendering it useless.
• A trio of Grunts landing on him and attempting to take off his armor is laughable to him.
• Caves in the skull of a Grunt with a pistol-whip.
• A melee attack breaks a Jackals energy shield gauntlet and launches him off of a cliff.
• Flips a Warthog.
• Flips a Warthog again but this time from grabbing it by the bumpers.
• Cracks the spines of a pair of elites with his strikes.
• Punches through a human skull inside a Flood Proto-Gravemind
• Crushes the skull of an elite with a punch and again reiterates he is strong enough to flip Warthogs.
• Crushes the skull of a Grunt with the butt of his assault rifle.
• Spartans are able to punch though tank armor.
  • Wraith armor is completely impervious to .50 caliber AA rounds.
  • Wraiths are durable enough to tank shots from their own mortars, which vaporize titanium battle plate, concrete and flesh within a twenty meter radius.
  • Spartans wearing Mk IV are shown in official artwork to be able to rip open tanks and toss armored Brutes (>1 metric ton) away with one arm.
  • A random Spartan wearing Mk V is able to destroy Covenant tanks in H2H, and several Spartans hold off a Covenant army of 30000.

Mk VI

• The Mk VI increases the wearers strength by a factor of 5, making them 2.5x stronger than in the previous Mk IV and Mk V Suits.
• Punches through the head of a Jackal.
• Tosses a Brute behind him.
  • Armored Brutes weigh over a metric ton.
• John can punch through UNSC ship metal.
• Tanks a melee attack from a Promethean Knight, then punches it off of him.
• John can rip off the arms of Promethean Knights and impale them with it.
  • Promethean Knights are strong enough to toss around Warthogs which weigh 3 metric tons.
• John stabs into the hull of a Lich (Covenant ultra heavy siege platform) while free falling with no leverage.
• John can overcome an Elites energy shielding with a single punch.
• Pushes and kicks a missile hammer several meters. (A 2x3x1.5m block of Titanium which is roughly the dimensions of the missile hammer would weigh over 40 metric tons.)

GEN 2

• Lifting Warthogs (3 metric tons), bending steel and shattering concrete is a baseline feat for all Spartans, not indicative of their limits.
• John shatters a Battle Rifle by hitting Spartan Locke with it.
• Overpowers Spartan Locke.
  • Locke is strong enough to flip over a 42.3 tonne tank with the shock-wave of his attack, effortlessly fly and run through walls as well as tackle aircraft out of the air, and boost through the bulk of a massive stone statue.
• Spartans can snap the necks of Elites.
• Spartans can instantly kill an Elite with a two-handed strike.
• Spartans can rip through Forerunner Armigers.
  • Forerunner Armigers are strong enough to throw humans dozens of meters away.
• Spartans can kill a Forerunner Armiger with a stomp.
• Spartans can punch out the legs of the Warden Eternal.

Durability

Mk IV

• The Mk IV doesn't possess energy shields, it relies entirely on the armor plating for protection.
• The armor has a refractive coating to help disperse incoming energy attacks.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR, bullets were harmlessly deflecting off his armor.
• The Mk IV can tank numerous Covenant Carbine shots, though they come close to penetrating the armor. Covenant Carbines fire 8x60mm projectiles at hypersonic (mach 5+) velocities making them far more powerful than almost any modern small arms.
• A .50 caliber depleted uranium round fired from an AA gun glances off John's armor.
  • [Limit] A young Kelly states that sustained fire from that weapon would penetrate the Mk IV.
• Tanks fire from hundreds of skilled marksmen with their rounds only 'dinging' his armor.
• Tanks plasma fire from a Covenant Ghost.
  • Ghost plasma is stated to be 5000 degrees.
• Tanks the nearby detonation of 1 MT nuke (John was at ground zero and had only 30 seconds to sprint away before it detonated).
  • Nukemap stats - Because the event was on a moon with minimal atmosphere and gravity, the heat and radiation figures are much more important.
• Tanks Covenant Needle and Spike rounds that can separate an ODST into pieces.
  • In the same novel it's stated that ODST's wear bullet proof armor that is effective at tanking armor piercing rounds, and someone wearing that armor harmlessly tanks small arms fire from several shooters.
• Tanks several Needle Rifle shots, with the needles shattering off his armor.
• Shrugs off being directly hit by a Hunters 2 ton shield.
• Spartans can tank anything short of a direct hit by a Wraiths plasma mortar, which vaporize everything within a 20 meter radius.
• Tanks Plasma Rifle fire from a hundred Drones who were chasing after him.
• Harmlessly tanks a nearby grenade detonation that spatters his faceplate with shrapnel.
• Spartans in Mark IV have similar durability's to light tanks.
• Covenant Needler shots bounce off his armor.

Mk V

• The Mk V is the first armor to possess energy shields, with each further iteration of armor gaining much more durable energy shields.
• A three round burst from an MA5B assault rifle drops his energy shields a 'hairbreadth'.
• Tanks shots from 30mm chainguns without even noticing he was being hit and without his energy shields breaking.
• Tanks 50mm autocannon fire from a jet without his energy shields breaking.
• Tanks the detonation of a nearby Scorpion missile designed to take out tanks. He was launched six meters and the missile itself created a two meter deep crater, though his energy shields did break.
• Covenant Needler shots bounce off his energy shields.
• Tanks a lifeboat crash that ripped open the craft and mangled everyone else aboard.
• Tanks a shot from a Hunters fuel rod cannon without his energy shields breaking and can tank direct hits even when his shields are low on charge.
• Tanks a melee hit from a Hunter while his shields are already low from tanking a fuel rod shot.
• Tanks an explosion from crashing a Banshee into a wall without any injuries.

Mk VI

• Tanks crashing into the Titanium hull of a warship at an extremely high velocity.
• Unharmed by a nearby Wraith's plasma shot which killed three other soldiers who were further away from it than him.
• Unfazed by a massive explosion.
• Tanks plasma fire from 6 Hunters.
• Tanks the detonation of a point blank plasma grenade that vaporizes a Brute Chieftain and scorches close to a dozen nearby Grunts.
• [Tanks a fall from orbit onto the Earth, and while his armor locks up automatically due to the impact, John himself is uninjured.]( "Halo 3")
  • Official artwork shows John falling from orbit.
• John tanks the laser blasts of 343 Guilty Spark, a Forerunner Monitor.
  • Another Spartan wearing slightly worse armor tanks more Forerunner monitor attacks, which are powerful enough to vaporize Hunters who weigh 5 metric tons and are covered in starship armor.
• Tanks being hit by a Warthog at very high speeds.
• Tanks a fall from orbit onto the planet Requiem completely unharmed, crashing into a lot of debris along the way.
• Tanks a melee attack from a Promethean Knight and punches it off of him afterwards.
  • Promethean Knights are strong enough to knock around Warthogs which weigh 3 metric tons.
• Unharmed after being thrown into a wall extremely hard by the Didact.
• Tanks a slipspace rupture crash that creates a massive crater from his impact (Ghost for scale).
• John had his evolution accelerated by the Forerunner known as the Librarian, giving him an immunity to the Composer which digitizes living creatures.

GEN 2

• Survives getting his head crushed by the Didact, then being thrown into Fred extremely hard.
• Tanks an extremely deep fall without any problem.

Speed

Unarmored

• John notes how objects appear to move in slow motion to him shortly after receiving his augmentations
• Special Forces appear similarly slow to John.
• John could move in blurs and was able to dodge point blank stun rounds from a 30mm cannon.
  • Another child Spartan dodges the stun rounds in mid air.
  • 14 year old Kelly dodges fire from several shooters and is too fast for the self-targeting system to track.
• At the age of 14, Spartans could sprint at bursts of 55 kph (~34 mph) and had estimated reaction times of 20 milliseconds, though they would likely be significantly higher in combat due to adrenaline. This is shortly after they received their augmentations and is expected to increase as their bodies adjust to the changes, and likely as they age as well.
  • Spartans experiencing the world in slow motion due to adrenaline is something they refer to as 'Spartan time'.
• [Limit] John is unable to completely dodge close range fire from three shooters, getting hit by three bullets.

Mk IV

• The Mk IV increases it's wearers reaction times by a factor of five. Their reaction times were previously given to be a low end of 20 milliseconds, meaning with Mk IV it is at a low end of 5 milliseconds.
• The first thing John does in MJOLNIR is move his arm almost FTE to his already augmented self.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR at the age of 14 he was fast enough to dodge bullets.
• Evades fire from hundreds of skilled marksmen while he was in a low gravity environment that limited his maneuverability.
• Moves to block a Needle Rifle shot after it was fired.
• Moves out of sight of several people faster than they could see.
• Jogs at 25mph for 10 kilometers alongside other Spartans.

Mk V

• ODST's move in slow motion to John.
• Dodges bullets after they are fired by an ODST, and again but after they are fired by three ODST's and again.
• With the help of Cortana, John deflects a Scorpion anti-tank missile that was tracking him.
• Immediately after tanking an anti-tank missile, John sprints ~66 mph across a half-kilometer distance though he tears his Achilles tendon doing so.
• He's able to dodge the laser weapons of Forerunner Aggressor sentinels.

Mk VI

• Immediately sprints at a speed of ~45 mph from rest.
• Intercepts and blocks a Covenant Beam Rifle shot after it's fired from roughly 30 meters away, which is a weapon that fires at ~Mach 10.7.
  • Another Spartan wearing the same armor dodges beam rifle shots twice including once from point blank. It's also being fired by a specialized Spartan Sniper if there are any doubts on it's accuracy.
• Maneuvers in mid-air to dodge gunfire from numerous Brutes.

GEN 2

• Spartans can avoid a sword swing from the Warden Eternal without even looking.

Marksmanship

• While running, John scores several headshots on Jackal snipers with his pistol.
• While Sprinting at around 45 mph, Chief is able to land multiple head and neck shots on several Jackal snipers who are around 30 meters away from him, shooting fast enough that his Magnum shots bleed together.
• Spartans can routinely land accurate sniper shots over a kilometer away while they are on the move.

Mobility

• John could balance atop and leap across ten meter tall wooden poles 10 centimeters in diameter even though he weighs half a ton in his armor.
• Spartans can jump ~25+ meters vertically onto a moving vehicle using his thrusters. (Mammoths are 27.1 meters tall.)
• Without using thrusters, Spartans can leap into the air 'like crickets' and engage aircraft.
• Spartans can easily scale cliffs.
• Spartans in GEN 2 armor can use their thrusters to effectively fly.

Endurance

• At 15 years old John is capable of sprinting 7 kilometers while expecting to do combat immediately after.
• 16 year old Blue Team covers 19 kilometers in 33 minutes, stopping twice to do weapon checks, running on rough terrain with support equipment, and running with their weapons in their hands. Roughly 24 mph sustained over 19km, with no intended rest before initiating combat.

Other Spartan Feats / Additional Scaling

Weapons / Equipment

Enemies / Additional Scaling

The four Spartans that composed Blue Team covered his back, standing absolutely silent and immobile in their MJOLNIR combat armor. Someone had once commented that they looked like Greek war gods in the armor … but his Spartans were far more effective and ruthless than Homer’s gods had ever been.

I'm looking for an open carry holster for my spec series 2.0. i don't plan on using it for out and about I'm public. Really it's just for when I'm out in the woods or fishing somewhere more secluded.

What’s the most up-to-date information on light rails for the 43? I will not put a recover tactical rail due to holster compatibility and other reasons.
I also don’t want to use a polymer 80 frame because I’ve never built one and I plan on carrying this gun.
This company called gray ghost, precision Celsius, really, really nice frames for the Glock 19. Stippling, rails, undercut, everything. Does anybody know if a similar thing exists for the 43?

Axis elite for Glock 19 from tier 1 concealed, no light attachment. Sells $130 brand new, I’m selling for $80. Sold my Glock so no longer need. Color is storm gray.
https://imgur.com/a/FC0RcoS

^Timestamp

Benchmade Proper S90V Carbon fiber $120

Carried and made a great companion knife for my full size adamas. I did have this knife on me most days but it wasn’t used much. I did sharpen it but it was to get a semi mirror polish edge not because it was dull. Comes with knife, box and Benchmade bag. Only selling because I got a gold class Tengu as my new companion knife.

Benchamde Adamas Full-Sized Folder $190

Cruwear Blade steel, Black G-10 handles stock Deep carry pocket clip
Got this new on the swap, was meant to be my EDC and was for 3 weeks but the Chef from Taiwan stole my heart. Wasn’t impressed with factory edge so I sharpened on my KME.
Comes with everything from factory, knife, sheath, MOLLE strap, box and papers. Link to manufactures website for more info

NIB FDE Fixed blade Adamas Cruwear $200

Sealed box, never opened. I EDC black Adamas would trade for a black fixed Cru adamas to match.

Winkler x Case Skinner $300

Got it from the swap price is what I paid. This was my first Winkler I should have done more research, I didn’t know the blade was this big. Would trade for a drop point belt knife. Link to the original owners post and more details.

RGT V2 clip $50

Had this on my large sebenza sold the knife now selling the clip. Light snail trails no damage.
Not sure on color it’s darker. Will trade for small seb sized RGT.

Maxpidetion Fatboy sling bag $45

Got this for my drone bag but didn’t end up using it. Removed the branding on the front of the pack because I thought it was ugly.

16 Inch MacBook Pro $1,600

M1 Pro porcessor, 16GB Ram, 512GB SSD, 27 cycles on battery. Has been reset in preparation of sale Comes with laptop, original charger and laptop case. No box, sorry.

Puma Python: $60

2nd owner as been sharpened once. Overall is is good condition. The stitching on the bottom of the sheath was wearing so I super glued it down no stitches ripped more of a preventive thing.
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ADD ONS (purchase knife to qualify)

Case Caliber Lockback $15
Was part of a bundle, seller would not split. wanted one knife of the bundle. Made in usa, doesn’t look very used appears to be factory edge I personally haven’t used, carried or cut with this knife.
Swiza BL-03 $20
Locking blade, comes with tweezers Swiss made. Doest show much wear. Handles are very grippy. Was part of the same bundle. I personally haven’t used, carried or cut with this knife. Link to Blade HQ with more info
NVG mount from Advanced Combat Helmet $10
Took this off a helmet I got. Have no need for it.
Microtech clone $30
I was told it was a UTX-85 clone but it’s pretty small, under 4 inches so could be a 70 clone Not sure, I’ve only owned full size Ultratechs. Got this off the swap, I needed a tanto to practice sharpening. Easily slices receipt paper. Fires hard, has some blade play. Handles don’t show much wear. I never carried this only sharpened.
Streamlight Pro-Tac HL $35
Had this lying around, don’t use it anymore takes CR123A batteries not included
Snaggletooth $12
Got it off the swap on a Benchmade have since then traded the knife.
Small Right hand comes with the tooth, 3 screws, thumb stud, washer and Allen wrench
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Apple Pay or PayPal Friends and Family, no notes!
Traders shoot your shot, nothing Chinese Plz.
Would consider international shipping but you’re paying full price for the knife, shipping cost and I accept no responsibility after I ship it out.
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^{Sold stuff
Free Lansky stones Course, fine, ultra fine. Sold a kit last week, forgot to include these. Refunded the buyer now free to you if you buy a knife.
Modded 3DS LL $125 Has a bunch of games on it comes with 128GB Sd card. has some wear on the side from being in my backpack. comes with DS and original charger.
Magnacut Small Sebenza drop point $425 January 24, 2023 DOB Factory edge, slight wear on thumb stud anodization from fidgeting with it at my desk. Disassembled to apply grease. Have all the stuff that comes with it including the sticker Tried to get the snails in the pictures but honestly they are too small to show up in pictures. Happy to send more pictures to a concerned buyer. Have a brown CRK slip I will include for $25 but will not sell separately until the knife sells.
Maxamet PM2 $180 Got this on trade, was told it was a safe queen never cut never carried and I have no reason to believe otherwise. I have not touched this knife besides pictures. Link to Blade HQ with more info
Para3 $140 S45VN blade steel Black G-10 handles, Lynch Deep carry titanium deep carry pocket clip. This was from the same guy that traded me the 940 this para 3 also appears to be factory edge scales are a little dirty. Has been used but still slices paper. I have not disassembled but did add some KPL to the pivot. Again no box or papers just the knife, sorry. Link to BladeHQ with more info
Tactile Knife Co. Bexar Slip Joint Knife Titanium $165 Magnacut Blade steel, Titanium handles. Made in Texas (God Bless Texas Got this from the original owner of the swap on trade. Have the box and Info card. Handles have a few light scratches but no damage. This thin blade stock makes in an awesome slicer. Would be more than ok if this doesn’t sell. Received with the factory edge, upon receiving I put a mirror polish on the edge didn’t use any stones just 3 and 6 micron lapping films at factory angle . Magnacut takes a great polish. Link to manufactures website with more info:}) ^{bexar
Esse CR2.5 $75 1095 57 HRC, Black Oxide Stone Washed Finish, Micarta Handles Got this off the swap this week, had it set up as a neck knife just too small for me. Previous owners sharpened, dyed scales and polished the spine of the knife. If you don’t like these mods just break the knife in half and ESSE will send you another. Comes with poo colored kydex sheath, looks like Armatus sheath offered on their website unsure as I’m not the original owner. Link to manufactures website with more info
KAMPKING: $5 Has been used sharpened and shows plenty of wear. All tools function. Plastic fell off the back show side plastic cover overall still in good condition.
Benchmade 940 $170 S30v blade steel, green aluminum handles, mini deep carry clip. Took this in on trade locally, appears to have factory edge. I have not had a chance to carry or cut with this knife but it has been lightly used. Handles have faint scratches, tried my best to capture these in the pictures and video. Didn’t come with box or original clip will just be shipping the knife. Link to BladeHQ with more info
Blue bolt action pen Free with purchase}

Bulk photos

• Sig p320 Carry slide with Acro cut by ATEI -$200 Cutout is placed to keep factory irons on the slide. Comes with the recoil spring, barrel has been sold.
  
• V61 Skorpion sbr holster -$75 Made by code 4 defense, never used.
  
• G19 safariland -$40
  
• Raven concealment Perun G19 -$10 Add on only
  
• Raven Concealment OWB kydex G19 -$50 these are great holsters
  
• P320 compact/subcompact carry setup $350
  Package consists of
  
  • compact complete slide/barrel (1k rounds through?)
  • Salty TLR-7
  • 2-12 round mags, 1 15 round mag
  • An outside the waistband kydex holster, G&R
  • an appendix kydex holster, KSG Sidekick, multicam
  • Compact grip chopped to fit 12 Rd mags, this is useful since the railed subcompact grip has a different shaped trigger guard, doesn't fit the holsters as well.
  • Spare compact grip, uncut.
• AUG 3x optic, rattlecanned- $380 Let me know if this is a fair price, looks like good condition as optics unpainted go for $450 or so.
  
• Manticore arms talon scope mount -$200
  
• Helikon flannel combat shirt never worn, medium -$60 perfectly good combat shirt, be like flannel daddy.
  
• AUG Gen 6 9mm conversion kit $2700 Photos
  Gen 6 9mm AUG conversion kit. By swapping these parts into your 223/556 Steyr AUG you would be able to shoot 9mm. Kit includes the stock, bolt, barrel, a magazine and magazine adapter. The kit does not include a receiver, that means this kit is not a firearm.
  The kit runs flawlessly with the included magazine and I've put roughly 200 rounds through it but am not the first owner.
  These kits are hard to find, one surfaces every 6 months to a year at best. They're highly sought after in the MG community for full auto AUG owners.
  

If an item isn't listed, it likely sold in my last post.
Prices are shipped F&F, let me know if you have any questions.

Hey there, my name is Kevin and I’m 27 years old. I’m a Korean who’s I’m 5"10 and 190 pounds. I am strictly looking for a mono relationship.
I'm studying right now to take a test to get into nursing. Right now I work as a full time pharmacy tech. When I have time for myself, I either watch videos(I watch basically all genre of shows and movies. Marvel, 1899, Stranger Things, kdrama, Disney and the list goes on), play games(Play on PC, if you'd like to play then shoot me a message. I play OW2, LoL, WoW, Apex Legends), go outside for a walk, or hang out with my friends. Cooking is a big thing for me so you know that oppa will cook you a lot of good food. Right now I am working on getting skinnier so I am doing some work outs and it's working. I am a physical and gifting type of lover. I like to hold hands, hold my partner in my arms, give forehead kisses, nuzzle my nose against my partners, give kisses, hugs, spanks when they're bent over. Giving gifts to my partner too when I feel she deserves it.
For me, a key for a healthy relationship is when both partners are able to communicate. I'd like for us to be able to speak up if anything is bothering us. My submissive should know that I will give them my attention when ever I can. As my submissive, you aren't just my submissive, you are my partner, my bestfriend, my lover. As we grow together whether it be close or long distance, we will be able to meet with each other at times and even more later on. I've been into BDSM for a good 7-8 years and DDLG for about 3 years. Intimacy is a beautiful part of a relationship in my opinion which is why I like to balance out between being non-sexual and sexual in the relationship. As we grow a stronger bond together and a genuine relationship, we'll be able to explore more of the kink and life style together. We'll be able to see what works and what don't, making our relationship more spicier along the way. When we aren't doing anything sexual, we'd be doing: watching movies and shows, cooking together, sleeping on the same call together and eventually on the same bed together. Again, you aren't just my submissive, you are my partner, my lover and my best friend.
As a long distance, I'd like to communicate at least everyday with texting. With videos calls, we can use discord and watch videos together every other day. I expect us to have at least one or two video sessions a week where I command what you do over the video call. This is only when my submissive is ready to of course, this will never be rushed like any part of the relationship.
As a Dominant, I am strict but can be soft at times. I am experienced in this lifestyle and open minded. I am goofy (Strict when needed), loving, patient caring, understanding, reliable, loyal and will be there for my partner through the highs and lows. Making my submissive comfortable and feel safe is my top priority. My goal is to guide my submissive to be shaped to what I see fit. I carry a love for my submissive for who they are and for what they will become with my guidance because they are my prized possession, someone that I helped create. I will never force or ask my submissive to submit to me, that is given to me when I deserve it. When discipline is needed, it will be used to put my submissive in her place. When I say to get on all fours, I expect you to go down on all fours and I shall do what I see fit. I will reward you for doing so, saying, "What a good little slut(or kitten you are based on if your limit is degrading) you are" and giving you pleasure. After a long day at work, when I say to get on your knees and suck my cock, I expect you to go on your knees on command and pleasure my cock. Of course as a reward for doing so I'd eat out your pussy, making you cum for me. When I say to hold your cum in, I expect you to try your hardest to hold it in. And when I compound my cock into your pussy, giving you no mercy, I will reward you for being a good cum dumpster by slamming my cock in as deep as possible before making you take every last drop of cum inside as I slowly pull out(Only if you're into creampie of course). Aftercare will always be given since it is essential.
Kinks:

• BDSM
• CNC (Maybe)
• Cock warming
• Creampie
• Cunnilingus
• Dominance
• Degrading
• Orgasm denial
• Praise Pay
• Ropes, gags, collars, bounds
• Sadist
• Spanking

Limits:

• Beastiality
• Blood play
• Diapers
• Incest
• Leaving permanent marks (Not tattoos, like branding)
• Piercing skins with foreign objects (Not piercings you may already have)
• Toilet play
• Watersport

What you can expect from me:

• Someone who will check in on you to see how you're doing
• Someone who's honest, loyal, dependable respectful, understanding, patient, genuine, affectionate, cuddly, loving and kinky
• Someone who loves to communicate
• Someone who is strict but be soft at times too
• Someone who will be there to listen to you and support you

What am I looking for?:

• Someone who wants one Dominant
• Someone who's looking for a long term relationship
• Either long distance or local. For local I'd like someone who's around the tristate area.
• Someone who's an obedient submissive (A brat is always welcomed, I'd put her in her place)
• Someone who is willing to communicate.
• Someone to experience more of life with together
• Someone who likes to grow together, as a relationship is where we both gain experiences and venture out into the scary world together.
• Age 18 to 26
• I'd prefer someone small, petite. Don't let this make you be discouraged though.

If you made it this far and do end up messaging me, tell me about yourself.
Tell me the secret word: Apple
Your age, location, what you look like (I don’t mind trading pictures), interests, hobbies, what you look for in a Dominant

A homeless teenager reaches out to the Shil’vati on first day of the invasion of Earth.
This is a rewrite of my original story ‘Loyalist’.
Credit to u/bluefishcake for writing the original SSB story.
Pizzaulostin who has been beta reading since the beginning.
and u/BruhMomentGEE
Credit to u/HollowShel for getting me started with this!
This story is based in the SSB universe.
Previous
First
next
as always, comments are welcome.

Chapter 17:

Thanks to the author of Alien-Nation for editing this chapter!

Ruhal:

“We are sorry about the restraints. Your dossier has a security lock from the Office of Interior that I can’t even read, and all our supervisor could tell us was ‘interview with caution’,” one of the two agents explained.
I regarded my handcuffs with professional disapproval. They had a longer than regular chain for ambulatory movement and inmate processing, by the deep, I could even use them as garrote if needed. They had revealed the limits of their rank with that apology.
“No need to worry. I am sure this will be a formality in less than an hour,” I told them, if there was one thing that was in abundance on the planet Sky it was Interior and undercover commando trainees. I hoped this would probably be their most interesting case all month.
“So, would you care to explain how you are raising a human, that is also considered a military asset?” The agent inquired as she pulled out her slate.
“Of course, Klein surrendered himself and requested medical aid and refugee status. He was willing to answer essential questions regarding human culture that aided in liberating humanity into the Shil’vati Empire. He wouldn’t be safe on Earth anymore, and I mentioned that he was still important in writing my reports. If I had my slate, I could give you the relevant documentation,” I said in a conversational tone, without any of the emotions that weighed the story, and glossing over the specifics.
“No need. I have everything you submitted to the Interior, including his asset designation, the interrogation transcripts, and even his doctor’s contact info. To be honest with you it’s the only reason we haven’t interviewed you yet, even after a dozen calls about a ‘possible trafficked human’ since he arrived. Your information is corroborated with several other departments. The issue now is what the medivac scans found.” The agent pushed a slate towards me with medical notes bolded for emphasis ‘probable severe abuse’.
“The report shows a recent history of blunt force trauma, abrasions, and even muscle tearing, in short. It looks like the human has been systematically tortured for months. You also have recently requested restricted training armor in the human’s size.” The agent explained.
Ah, that was my mistake. I had been treating Klein as another child, just with some unique needs. It looks like there were other considerations, ones that I failed to see.
“I really do need my omni-slate to illustrate this, it’s on my desk right now if one of your assistants could get it?” I asked, hoping they got the suggestion to not leave me with only one interrogator in the room so they wouldn’t be graded too harshly.
They thankfully acquiesced without comment, and with my omni-slate in hand I pulled up the latest video of Klein practicing with me, the speed and brutality was difficult for me to sit through. Then, Klein pulled off his helmet seconds later, laughing in the rain. Unconcerned that, without armor, we could have just killed each other- I was grateful he had, else it might’ve been interpreted quite differently. “The bruising mostly from everyday participation at a Rakiri gym, and some remnants from before I got proper gear for baton practice. He heals extremely fast, and more so, he isn’t happy unless he exercises for at least an hour or two a day.”
I pulled up another video. Klein was sitting at the table bouncing his leg at an ever-increasing pace while trying to focus on a decently complex equation. He finally stood up and started pacing mouthing words as he skipped in time to an unheard rhythm.
“W-what’s he doing?” The agent asked, looking just a tad disturbed by the display of what seemed erratic behavior.
“A sort of dance while playing the song ‘a fine mesh net’ on his headphones. There was a monsoon that Shel weekend, and even I’m not crazy enough to fight in a thunderstorm like that. He does that around the house for an hour, and then finally settles in on a video game,” I explained to the agents, who were looking at me dubiously.
“So, you oversee an adolescent who is an intelligence asset, but also seems poorly fitted for Shil’vati life. Why the baton practice? Wouldn’t that make him even more dangerous, more of an outsider? Are you trying to sabotage his integration? Why not take him shopping, instead, or teach him beauty and self-care routines?” They were antagonizing. Countering every argument to see how I reacted. It seemed they could at least interrogate decently well.
“I hardly call a few quirks ‘poor fitting’. The baton practice is for obvious self-defense. Its intention is to make him dangerous,” I explained, letting the interviewers lead the conversation.
The back and forth went on for a while, but I presented a highlight reel of the last few months. Including a Rakiri gym video when Klein tried to flourish a wall climb and smashed his shoulder on the ledge while face planting into the mud.
The agents would not be arresting me today. They would need medical reports, and would require Klein, Hario, and Compassion Through Deeds to attest while truth scanned that these were sports injuries, and not some conspiracy to commit torture. We were also going to need to see an ICAD agent every two weeks for counseling. I had no idea what ICAD was, but I would investigate them later.
Finally, the agents appeared they were closing up the interview. I tried not to brace myself as they asked the complicated question. “One thing we need to know is, what is Klein to you? If he is just a crucial asset, then why haven’t you contacted a local volunteer family foster? Or was the military asset just a cover to find a male heir?”
I sighed, the truth wasn’t incriminating, but if I didn’t word it right, I would look like the worst sort of military tourist. “I had, originally, taken care of Klein as a key intelligence asset. Within that first week though, I had found that despite the decades of preparation, there wasn’t a process for someone to claim asylum as a child during first contact. He would be in military bureaucratic limbo without an advocate. We both know where he would end up.”
The room cooled by several degrees, which was a pity, I almost got the talkative agent to laugh at Klein’s antics. “Out of duty I investigated ways I could bring him home until I could find resources to place him in a stable situation with all the resources to help a xeno without a community. I found someone who was willing to help in exchange for reports on Klein’s adaptation to Shil’vati lifestyle. That’s Klein’s purpose as a military asset in my home.”
I continued. I was saying more on than I needed to, but if they did a follow up investigation later for some other incident, which was a when, not if, then I wanted this on record. “Klein has become part of this household though, despite, or maybe because, of his oddities. He may not be Shil’vati, but he seems to have integrated well. It’s why, while it was never my intention, when he is an adult, I will offer him full adoption, and title of home guardian.”
I watched the agents exchange looks, then the agent made a few taps on her slate. ‘Upper left, middle center, probably a message app’. I then listened for the telltale taps of a yes as a micro expression of a self-satisfied smile crossed the agent’s face. I decided to stop playing interviewee.
“So, you won the bet on if I would claim the human as my son, how long has that pool been building?” I asked folding my hands together.
The agent answered before she could think. “Two months… Wait!? How did you-”
The agent was cut off by the squawk of the slate’s speaker. “Agents you did well enough with the interview portion, however; you absolutely failed to secure the subject. Could you please illustrate to them why I stressed caution {petal of death’s veil}?”
The code name wasn’t one I had heard in decades, but I wasn’t going to snub an old handler. I kicked on my fast reaction mods to max speed and lunged over the table past the still sitting agents. I pirouetted and twisted the restraints into a loop as I brought them down over the left agent’s head and pulled back carefully, lightly touching the chain of my restraints around the neck of the agent before she could even react.
I kicked off my mods and caught my breath as time returned to normal. Both agents’ eyes went wide with shock as the one not about to be strangled tried to get away to pull out her weapon. “W-who are you!?”
“I’m going to slowly release you and put my hands up, is that everything you needed {hated old friend}?” I directed my question to the slate, using the code High Shil word to show I was playing along.
“More than enough. Agent! Holster your weapon and come back to the safe room. We need to go over security procedures,” the slate responded, and the very brief confrontation was over.
The agents walked out, and Siltan stomped in looking like she could bring about a thunderstorm by pure force of will. “We weren’t the only ones to get visits from the ‘majesty’s’ Interior today. Cee let me know that the Interior is also interrogated Reqellia as well.”
I now understood why these two rookies were here. It was a distraction for me. I grumbled as I picked up my slate and called Reqellia. Her face appeared a second later.
“By the Deep, it’s been a long day,” Reqellia breathed out as I heard a door slam, then she cursed some more.
“Tell me everything. Is Klein ok?” I asked.
“Cee says he’s fine and is waking him up. Klein might be getting a mod himself before she closes him up though because, oh- looks like it’s my day is going to get longer still. ICAD is here, and it’s a Hydrean in a Gearschilde clinic.” Reqellia hung up, and I stared at the phone in confusion.
It was time to find out what ICAD was.

Klein:

I blearily came to, as high powered, piercing white light flooded my half open eyes. I tried to move my arm to shield my face and found I couldn’t. Actually, I couldn't move or even feel anything from the neck down.
I started to panic as I turned my head, focusing on lettering on a terminal, tried to sigh, and felt what few muscles I could control turn to lead as I sank back on the medical bed. Thank the goddess, it was Shil and Gearschilde lettering on the slate and medical supplies.
“Good afternoon Klein, are you okay? Your heart rate spiked.” I heard Cee, or full name Compassion Through Deeds, speak and turned my head to see her. She wore a dark red lab coat and regarded me with unblinking cybernetic eyes. Most of her orange skin had been replaced with dark steel etched with stylized waves and swirls of silver. Her face still emoted in a pleasant smile, but had that uncanny valley look of unblemished synth skin. I looked down to see a dozen micro surgical tools still inside me.
I should have been screaming at the sight, but all I felt was relief and joy. “Yeah, I just worried for a half second that I had hallucinated the last few months and was actually on a back on Earth on some black-market operating table getting my kidney stolen.”
Cee was aghast. “Does that happen on Earth?”
I would shrug, but again, I couldn’t move, instead I responded. “Rumors of it happening, but I never knew anyone personally.”
Cee reassured me. “Well, good news Klein, you are on Sky, you are in a Gearschilde clinic where stealing vital organs is a legal, moral and religious crime of unrepentant severity. What I have done is remove your appendix, and let the sedatives wear off so we can discuss what you want in its place.”
“In place of my appendix? Why?” I asked, it wasn’t like I really needed the vestigial organ turn internal hand grenade.
“Customary in Gearschilde for surgery is to be about giving a better life than just taking from the body. So, any ideas of what would make your life better?”
I thought about the bruising, the constant having to put healing patches on, and the annoyance of doing so. I thought about the near fatality of almost blowing my appendix, and if something could have fixed the issue before it got out of hand. “What about a healing dispenser? I keep having to put on patches and gel at the end of the day, and if I miss a spot, I will pay for it later.”
Cee gave me a grateful expression. “That’s a perfect first implant. I was worried you were going to ask for something more aggressive. When I was your age, I got my first defensive mod, a retractable forearm knife. Of course, my next surgery was being stitched back together after accidently stabbing myself with it.”
I tried to chuckle, but I didn’t have control of my diaphragm for it. “So, what’s next?”
Cee explained. “Well, the fabricator in the other room is right now creating your implant. It shouldn’t take long; are you ok being immobilized for the next hour or so?”
I thought about it, and honestly, I was still surprised I wasn’t panicking. “No, but I’m going to get really bored just laying here, do the Gearschilde have any good myths or stories?”
I knew I was fishing in an untapped pool that was guaranteed to have something. I wasn’t expecting my doctor to be gleeful at the thought though. “Oh blessed be you child, I am a surgeon priest, half the reason I am in this vocation is to tell stories. I take it you know nothing about Gearschilde mythology, or even our history?”
It was on my list of rabbit holes to get into, but instead I binged the rest of Prince Of The Stars and cried, it was nice. “No, but I would love to hear them.”
“Well if you want to, every Shel we have open services and brunch. But since you are new to Gearschilde mythology we should start with one of my favorites. The story of the Hopestrider.”
The ceiling lights dimmed, and the sterile operating room felt surprisingly cozy as I leaned my head back. Listening to Cee starting up the tale. “Our sect requires us to lead what can best be called ‘child technician classes’. Learning to take care of machines, which includes us by the start of adolescence, if not before. It’s a critical life skill, and teaching it is considered an important part of our religious studies.”
‘Cyberpunk VeggieTales’ Squirrel brain chittered.
No one wants your opinion squirrel brain. I thought back.

Cee’s story: Hope Strider

“Long ago our world was full of harsh life. The valleys were often filled with poisonous mists and deadly predators that could rip apart even the strongest of our people. The mountain kingdoms were brutal fiefdoms that sent many to their deaths mining precious metals from the dangerous wastes of the valleys. Drilling into the heart of the mountains provided the power necessary to purify water, and later, steam engines turned those fiefdoms into empires. Expanding into the wastes using the lowest class of people as its foundation.”
Cee paused for dramatic effect. “Then, everything changed.”
“The ground shook, and the mountain kingdoms erupted in fire and molten rock. Radioactive dust from these now volcanoes made the centers of civilization barren and deadly. Only the wasteland colonies in the poisonous mists provided any refuge, and so king and commoner alike huddled in the once disposable outposts of a ruined world. Our story starts a generation after the calamity with an unlucky child.”
I heard a ding, Cee stopped as the ceiling lights came up. “Oh dear, let me stop for a second to get the implant.”
I leaned back and thought about her nightmare world. When Cee returned, I didn’t even bother to open my eyes, too engrossed in the imagery of the story. “What happened to the child?”
I could hear the whirring as she started to work. Her voice I realized had taken a more scripted cadence. She must have automated her voice so she could focus. “In a metalworker’s home, a child was born with broken legs and brittle bones. It was common in those days for such a child to die that way. It was their first born and the parents did everything they could to save them. A surgeon was called. The child lost their legs, but kept their life.”
“The child lived in the workshop. Kept warm by the hearth’s fire, even unable to walk, they were curious. Day in and out, they watched their parents construct machines that helped the community make food, filter the air, and defend the homes from the starving, mutated, monsters that circled the fortress walls. The child felt helpless though. Only able to crawl within the confines of the home or be carried around like cargo about the maze-like town of winding stairs and narrow passageways.
“They spent much of their time learning, sitting near the hearth to keep warm, they did the careful work of filing gears and wheels needed to control what could be automated as each hand replaced was another that could be spent doing something else critical to keep the community alive. Still, the child wanted to do more. They could not deliver what they made, and had to rely on others to help them at every turn in life.”
“Little did the child know that in the hearth a machine spirit lived, getting by eating scrap metal that fell in and sleeping at night on the bed of embers. The machine spirit saw the child’s wish, an invention without form, and turned it into a dream for the child, since new machines would mean new machine spirits to play with.”
That night the child saw themselves flying over the cold gray landscape on a pair of machine legs. Traveling the dangerous paths to other towns, and giving the isolated towns hope and community. The child awoke with joy and crawled over to his workbench littered with scrap metal, now children….”
Cee stopped talking and her voice went back to an unscripted rhythm. “I just realized we can’t do the practical part of this story. In class each kid gets a hope strider stuffy with snaps to attach legs they make. We give them bits of copper. Show them how to bend and hammer it, and how to bond it by wrapping the joint in solder and then applying heat with a soldering iron heated in their own toy ‘hearth’ with a safety cover. Still we get a daily small burn or cut, but that in itself is a valuable lesson in tool safety.”
It sounded adorable in a weird, steampunk way. “Sounds fun, so, new legs?”
Cee got the que, as much as I loved the story, and the talk about kindergarten metal shop, I was still immobilized on the operating table. I heard surgical whirring, and the scripted voice came back. “Yes, the child works all night until they fit the new legs on, and for the first time stand up on their own! The parents are overjoyed as they watch them move about the house and that afternoon, with the help of an iron bar as a cane, they walk around their community by themselves.”
“However, it isn’t long before the legs start to see wear and tear, but the child persists, not wanting to stop and fix the creaking joints, until one day the legs stop working altogether and they fall down in a twisting staircase. Carried back to the workshop, they rest for days to heal before they are able to work again. Constructing a new set from the remains of the old. Now…”

Klein:

Cee stopped again, but this time she had moved away from me and was putting the now bloody surgical tools into a sanitizing system. “We're done! I am going to start removing the nerve blocks, so you’re going to be sore, but if things get too painful, let me know. Please, try not to move anything but your hands right now, even then I would advise against it.”
My whole body had that pins and needles feel and I tried to move my fingers, but it was sporadic and jerky. Cee distracted me by explaining my new implant. “So, this implant is very basic. It can only be requested to send diagnostic data. The implant only administers more healing serum at a safe, steady rate if, and only if, it doesn’t detect any in your bloodstream. There is an injection site with a color change circle around it. It uses standard go, caution, stop colors to let you know if it’s functioning. I want to wave your omni-pad over the site and check the diagnostics at least once a day. It should hopefully catch if something like this is happening again.”
I tried to not move as I felt my body twitch. My gut felt like I had been run over, repeatedly. I asked, “why didn’t my medical monitoring implant catch this?”
Cee explained. “That’s only good for basic vitals. Near universal indicators of life and activity such as heart rate and blood pressure. The new implant will be able to scan for elevated protein counts. So, if one of your other internal organs starts to malfunction you can get a more unambiguous message that I hope you won’t ignore before getting medivac’d through the city.”
I chuckled a little at that, and it hurt. “Ow, ok, no movement. I thought it was just a pulled muscle or something.”
Cee looked down at me sternly, and her voice took on a deeper, more authoritative tone. “Child, more than enough Gearschilde have died thinking they can just, push themselves past their organic parts failing, if you have a torn muscle that hurts after you’ve used healing gel, then it’s serious enough you need to come see me, or another xeno-doctor, immediately. That’s why I hope your new implant can fix things before it gets to that point.”
Cee brightened after that and went back to the explanation of my implant. “Now that I scolded you, there is a color changing circle over your implant’s location. It will change color when the healing serum runs low, or and will start to flash in color, and try to ping your omni-pad if it detects a malfunction. The implant uses a standard Shil’ implant autoinjector, and it will reject anything not meant for red blood standard biology, but still be careful, it’s not a perfect filtering system. Today I’m giving you a set of autoinjectors I want you to use throughout the week. It's fortunate that your implant’s primary function will speed up your recovery time.”
Ok, that’s cool to know, but.
‘What happened to Hopestrider?!’ Squirrel brain demanded.
“So, the story, what happens next?” I asked as Cee helped me sit up. My stomach still hurt, but the feeling was in the overworked muscle category rather than a gut punch.
Cee started to explain as I put on what was essentially gym clothes. Soft, baggy pants and shirt with easy pull away tabs if they needed to remove the clothes quickly for checkups and surgical intervention. “Well, we don’t have time to go over the Hope Strider as a story, or even a summary, but if you want to, my husband teaches the child technician class during open services on Shel, you could sit in and listen.
Right now, I will give you a family crafted picture book that tells the core story of Hope Strider growing up, and making their first delivery. After that it’s a loose selection of legends that are attributed to Hope Strider as they grow older and more accomplished, but while I get that book, I need you to speak to someone.”
Cee led me out of the operating room, and into a comfortable looking lounge where a… Hydrean was sitting in an Imperial business uniform reading an omni-pad. My brain pulled everything I knew of Hydreans out. A rabbit hole I had dug into one rainy Shel on the public information repositories.
She, they, single gendered I reminded myself, looked up and smiled at me calmly, mouth closed for politeness. Their skin was grass green with artful patches of bark on her face and neck, the result of cosmetic scarification. They looked human, or Shil’oid, but that was purposefully done. Even the somewhat standard looking ‘desert walker’ Hydreans normally had more, or less, limbs than standard. Biological modification was at the root of all Hydrean technology, ancient as the stone ax to other species.
I thought about how contentious Hydrean/Shil relationships were said to be. Their arid home planet was off limits to all but certified personnel who had been trained how to handle the dangerous mix of flora/fauna that instead of being different groups, was just a single taxonomy that had no distinction between predator and prey. With their complex biology, a Hydrean needed to undergo extensive body modification just to exist off their home world.
Cee left the room with a friendly goodbye and offered assistance “Hello Klein, I am Ka’tel. It’s wonderful to meet you. I am with the Imperial Child Assistance Division, or ICAD. My job is to help interspecies fosters and adoptions. How are you feeling today?”
I caught a glimpse of her teeth as they spoke. Triangular, and made of burnished metal meant to tear off chunks of animal, plant, or even rock, whole and let their stomachs’ mix of acids dissolve it into something the rest their body could use.
‘The agent in charge of your welfare is a plant/animal hybrid with a diet of ‘yes’, your doctor is a wholesome orange 40K mechanicus, and your crush is a were-lion, you are not ok .’ Squirrel brain remarked.
“I’m actually pretty good, despite the surgery, it’s actually a common issue for humans.” I said to Ka’tel, because my life was weird before the aliens, squirrel brain was just being a pessimistic asshole.
“Really? Do you know what caused it?” Ka’tel asked.
“It just, happens? Gets irritated or infected and then you need to get it removed.” I said nonchalantly. Ka’tel made a mark on her omni-pad.
“How did you know? It seems dangerous if it can happen suddenly, and you mentioned it before you passed out.” Ka’tel asked tone friendly and conversational.
“Oh, the side of your stomach hurts. I was hoping it was just a pulled muscle bec- Dammit!” I just remembered what happened before I woke up here.
“The raid game! Ko’tasa would have had to substitute for me and she’s not well balanced for our team mix.” I said with a exasperated sigh.
Ka’tel cocked their head to one side, but the tone in her voice was humorous. “You were willing to ignore a possible life-threatening condition for a game?”
I explained, though I felt idiotic now. “I couldn’t tell. I get sore muscles all the time from gym, and sparing, and even from the auxiliary work, honestly my commandant doesn’t really know where to put me sometimes. Last week I helped with road clearing for the new town to go up a few [miles] away, and the girls could barely keep up with me.”
Ka’tel seemed to be enjoying my rambling. “Sounds like you really get put to work.”
“Not really? The auxiliary is the only work I do, and if I wanted to stop I just, can. It’s not like I need to worry about buying food.” I knew what I was saying seemed strange while living in the Imperium.
It was the first hint that Ka’tel was controlling her expressions when she seemed more attentive and… relieved? “That’s delightful news to hear! Is there anything about your living situation that bothers you?”
I paused and thought about it, and really couldn’t see anything. “Not really?”
“Anything, or anyone, you miss from Earth?” Ka’tel asked, stressing that last bit, dropping a mental bomb on my head and I froze, mouth partly open with a half formed response. When was the last time I even thought about Earth as more than an abstract concept? It hadn’t been [six months] since I left but…
I didn’t feel anything.
The last year I lived on Earth, it was like being a ghost. I saw people, I even talked to people, but it was like a thick plate of glass all around me. Today I felt color, and life, and things, but that last year on Earth?
Like radio static.
I looked at Ka’tel, and their expression was one of controlled neutrality. Why was I not freaking out?
I had a sensation of the room spinning. I asked, “No, I don’t really feel anything about Earth, is that normal?”
“I don’t know Klein, by most sentient standards what you went through was unusual, and from what little I know about humans that isn’t propaganda, it’s unusual for humans as well. What I do know is right now you seem happy and healthy, and that’s my top priority.” Ka’tel said as they stood and offered me a stiff plastic card with their contact details on it.
“We will be chatting every other week to see how you are adjusting. I might ask to visit you at the youth auxiliary depot, the gym or at home. I really am glad to see you are doing just fine, but if you ever need a way out, that card has an emergency signal function, just pull the plastic tab.” Ka’tel told me, and was about to open the door before I spoke up.
“How should I refer to you?” I asked, and once they realized, Ka’tel gave me a genuine, toothed, smile that was both menacing and goofy at the same time.
“Most people don’t learn enough Hydrean biology to ask. Her, that’s how everyone in the office sees me, and it’s more convenient socially.” She said, opening the door to an anxious looking Itaro standing next to a serious Ruhal and Reqellia.
“I need to speak to you Ruhal, and Reqellia, you should join us for this conversation as well.” Ka’tel said as she ushered me out.
Cee led us into a gaming room with a long table on one side, and a set of couches facing the wall to wall display on the other. She handed me an overloaded plate of cookies with bottle of water, and stepped out, closing the door behind us. “Eat those, your stomach has healed, but it’s going to need calories to fuel the recovery.”
Only then did I realize I was salivating at the smell of warm sugar, and flour made of Kasan grain, if I was identifying the green color correctly. I put the plate of cookies on the table, and snarfed them as I sat down.
After swallowing the fourth cookie semi-whole, I looked up to see Itaro’s face fighting a war between impatient, apprehensive, and hopeful. I stopped, realizing what I was doing, and sipped some water to stall for time.
I was about to pull my omni-pad out from my pockets when Itaro suddenly put her hand out to stop me. “Wait! Klein, I need to tell you something…”
She was silent for a long moment, what was she worried about?
“I… Like you, as, I find you…. Attractive, and I may have gotten a little…. overprotective when you got hurt.” Itaro said, her voice stuttering.
‘Oh, that makes things easy.’ Squirrel brain was for once, right.
“I like you too.” I said as I leaned over and kissed her.

///// Author’s Commentary

Wow! I couldn’t find a good stopping point so I just kept writing and writing and… It turned into something over 5 thousand words. I spent the last day trying to figure out clear up a few parts. This week I have some time off! So there will probably be another chapter sooner rather than later.

A homeless teenager reaches out to the Shil’vati on first day of the invasion of Earth.
This is a rewrite of my original story ‘Loyalist’.
Credit to u/bluefishcake for writing the original SSB story.
Pizzaulostin who has been beta reading since the beginning.
and u/BruhMomentGEE
Credit to u/HollowShel for getting me started with this!
This story is based in the SSB universe.
Previous
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as always, comments are welcome.

Chapter 17:

Thanks to the author of Alien-Nation for editing this chapter!

Ruhal:

“We are sorry about the restraints. Your dossier has a security lock from the Office of Interior that I can’t even read, and all our supervisor could tell us was ‘interview with caution’,” one of the two agents explained.
I regarded my handcuffs with professional disapproval. They had a longer than regular chain for ambulatory movement and inmate processing, by the deep, I could even use them as garrote if needed. They had revealed the limits of their rank with that apology.
“No need to worry. I am sure this will be a formality in less than an hour,” I told them, if there was one thing that was in abundance on the planet Sky it was Interior and undercover commando trainees. I hoped this would probably be their most interesting case all month.
“So, would you care to explain how you are raising a human, that is also considered a military asset?” The agent inquired as she pulled out her slate.
“Of course, Klein surrendered himself and requested medical aid and refugee status. He was willing to answer essential questions regarding human culture that aided in liberating humanity into the Shil’vati Empire. He wouldn’t be safe on Earth anymore, and I mentioned that he was still important in writing my reports. If I had my slate, I could give you the relevant documentation,” I said in a conversational tone, without any of the emotions that weighed the story, and glossing over the specifics.
“No need. I have everything you submitted to the Interior, including his asset designation, the interrogation transcripts, and even his doctor’s contact info. To be honest with you it’s the only reason we haven’t interviewed you yet, even after a dozen calls about a ‘possible trafficked human’ since he arrived. Your information is corroborated with several other departments. The issue now is what the medivac scans found.” The agent pushed a slate towards me with medical notes bolded for emphasis ‘probable severe abuse’.
“The report shows a recent history of blunt force trauma, abrasions, and even muscle tearing, in short. It looks like the human has been systematically tortured for months. You also have recently requested restricted training armor in the human’s size.” The agent explained.
Ah, that was my mistake. I had been treating Klein as another child, just with some unique needs. It looks like there were other considerations, ones that I failed to see.
“I really do need my omni-slate to illustrate this, it’s on my desk right now if one of your assistants could get it?” I asked, hoping they got the suggestion to not leave me with only one interrogator in the room so they wouldn’t be graded too harshly.
They thankfully acquiesced without comment, and with my omni-slate in hand I pulled up the latest video of Klein practicing with me, the speed and brutality was difficult for me to sit through. Then, Klein pulled off his helmet seconds later, laughing in the rain. Unconcerned that, without armor, we could have just killed each other- I was grateful he had, else it might’ve been interpreted quite differently. “The bruising mostly from everyday participation at a Rakiri gym, and some remnants from before I got proper gear for baton practice. He heals extremely fast, and more so, he isn’t happy unless he exercises for at least an hour or two a day.”
I pulled up another video. Klein was sitting at the table bouncing his leg at an ever-increasing pace while trying to focus on a decently complex equation. He finally stood up and started pacing mouthing words as he skipped in time to an unheard rhythm.
“W-what’s he doing?” The agent asked, looking just a tad disturbed by the display of what seemed erratic behavior.
“A sort of dance while playing the song ‘a fine mesh net’ on his headphones. There was a monsoon that Shel weekend, and even I’m not crazy enough to fight in a thunderstorm like that. He does that around the house for an hour, and then finally settles in on a video game,” I explained to the agents, who were looking at me dubiously.
“So, you oversee an adolescent who is an intelligence asset, but also seems poorly fitted for Shil’vati life. Why the baton practice? Wouldn’t that make him even more dangerous, more of an outsider? Are you trying to sabotage his integration? Why not take him shopping, instead, or teach him beauty and self-care routines?” They were antagonizing. Countering every argument to see how I reacted. It seemed they could at least interrogate decently well.
“I hardly call a few quirks ‘poor fitting’. The baton practice is for obvious self-defense. Its intention is to make him dangerous,” I explained, letting the interviewers lead the conversation.
The back and forth went on for a while, but I presented a highlight reel of the last few months. Including a Rakiri gym video when Klein tried to flourish a wall climb and smashed his shoulder on the ledge while face planting into the mud.
The agents would not be arresting me today. They would need medical reports, and would require Klein, Hario, and Compassion Through Deeds to attest while truth scanned that these were sports injuries, and not some conspiracy to commit torture. We were also going to need to see an ICAD agent every two weeks for counseling. I had no idea what ICAD was, but I would investigate them later.
Finally, the agents appeared they were closing up the interview. I tried not to brace myself as they asked the complicated question. “One thing we need to know is, what is Klein to you? If he is just a crucial asset, then why haven’t you contacted a local volunteer family foster? Or was the military asset just a cover to find a male heir?”
I sighed, the truth wasn’t incriminating, but if I didn’t word it right, I would look like the worst sort of military tourist. “I had, originally, taken care of Klein as a key intelligence asset. Within that first week though, I had found that despite the decades of preparation, there wasn’t a process for someone to claim asylum as a child during first contact. He would be in military bureaucratic limbo without an advocate. We both know where he would end up.”
The room cooled by several degrees, which was a pity, I almost got the talkative agent to laugh at Klein’s antics. “Out of duty I investigated ways I could bring him home until I could find resources to place him in a stable situation with all the resources to help a xeno without a community. I found someone who was willing to help in exchange for reports on Klein’s adaptation to Shil’vati lifestyle. That’s Klein’s purpose as a military asset in my home.”
I continued. I was saying more on than I needed to, but if they did a follow up investigation later for some other incident, which was a when, not if, then I wanted this on record. “Klein has become part of this household though, despite, or maybe because, of his oddities. He may not be Shil’vati, but he seems to have integrated well. It’s why, while it was never my intention, when he is an adult, I will offer him full adoption, and title of home guardian.”
I watched the agents exchange looks, then the agent made a few taps on her slate. ‘Upper left, middle center, probably a message app’. I then listened for the telltale taps of a yes as a micro expression of a self-satisfied smile crossed the agent’s face. I decided to stop playing interviewee.
“So, you won the bet on if I would claim the human as my son, how long has that pool been building?” I asked folding my hands together.
The agent answered before she could think. “Two months… Wait!? How did you-”
The agent was cut off by the squawk of the slate’s speaker. “Agents you did well enough with the interview portion, however; you absolutely failed to secure the subject. Could you please illustrate to them why I stressed caution {petal of death’s veil}?”
The code name wasn’t one I had heard in decades, but I wasn’t going to snub an old handler. I kicked on my fast reaction mods to max speed and lunged over the table past the still sitting agents. I pirouetted and twisted the restraints into a loop as I brought them down over the left agent’s head and pulled back carefully, lightly touching the chain of my restraints around the neck of the agent before she could even react.
I kicked off my mods and caught my breath as time returned to normal. Both agents’ eyes went wide with shock as the one not about to be strangled tried to get away to pull out her weapon. “W-who are you!?”
“I’m going to slowly release you and put my hands up, is that everything you needed {hated old friend}?” I directed my question to the slate, using the code High Shil word to show I was playing along.
“More than enough. Agent! Holster your weapon and come back to the safe room. We need to go over security procedures,” the slate responded, and the very brief confrontation was over.
The agents walked out, and Siltan stomped in looking like she could bring about a thunderstorm by pure force of will. “We weren’t the only ones to get visits from the ‘majesty’s’ Interior today. Cee let me know that the Interior is also interrogated Reqellia as well.”
I now understood why these two rookies were here. It was a distraction for me. I grumbled as I picked up my slate and called Reqellia. Her face appeared a second later.
“By the Deep, it’s been a long day,” Reqellia breathed out as I heard a door slam, then she cursed some more.
“Tell me everything. Is Klein ok?” I asked.
“Cee says he’s fine and is waking him up. Klein might be getting a mod himself before she closes him up though because, oh- looks like it’s my day is going to get longer still. ICAD is here, and it’s a Hydrean in a Gearschilde clinic.” Reqellia hung up, and I stared at the phone in confusion.
It was time to find out what ICAD was.

Klein:

I blearily came to, as high powered, piercing white light flooded my half open eyes. I tried to move my arm to shield my face and found I couldn’t. Actually, I couldn't move or even feel anything from the neck down.
I started to panic as I turned my head, focusing on lettering on a terminal, tried to sigh, and felt what few muscles I could control turn to lead as I sank back on the medical bed. Thank the goddess, it was Shil and Gearschilde lettering on the slate and medical supplies.
“Good afternoon Klein, are you okay? Your heart rate spiked.” I heard Cee, or full name Compassion Through Deeds, speak and turned my head to see her. She wore a dark red lab coat and regarded me with unblinking cybernetic eyes. Most of her orange skin had been replaced with dark steel etched with stylized waves and swirls of silver. Her face still emoted in a pleasant smile, but had that uncanny valley look of unblemished synth skin. I looked down to see a dozen micro surgical tools still inside me.
I should have been screaming at the sight, but all I felt was relief and joy. “Yeah, I just worried for a half second that I had hallucinated the last few months and was actually on a back on Earth on some black-market operating table getting my kidney stolen.”
Cee was aghast. “Does that happen on Earth?”
I would shrug, but again, I couldn’t move, instead I responded. “Rumors of it happening, but I never knew anyone personally.”
Cee reassured me. “Well, good news Klein, you are on Sky, you are in a Gearschilde clinic where stealing vital organs is a legal, moral and religious crime of unrepentant severity. What I have done is remove your appendix, and let the sedatives wear off so we can discuss what you want in its place.”
“In place of my appendix? Why?” I asked, it wasn’t like I really needed the vestigial organ turn internal hand grenade.
“Customary in Gearschilde for surgery is to be about giving a better life than just taking from the body. So, any ideas of what would make your life better?”
I thought about the bruising, the constant having to put healing patches on, and the annoyance of doing so. I thought about the near fatality of almost blowing my appendix, and if something could have fixed the issue before it got out of hand. “What about a healing dispenser? I keep having to put on patches and gel at the end of the day, and if I miss a spot, I will pay for it later.”
Cee gave me a grateful expression. “That’s a perfect first implant. I was worried you were going to ask for something more aggressive. When I was your age, I got my first defensive mod, a retractable forearm knife. Of course, my next surgery was being stitched back together after accidently stabbing myself with it.”
I tried to chuckle, but I didn’t have control of my diaphragm for it. “So, what’s next?”
Cee explained. “Well, the fabricator in the other room is right now creating your implant. It shouldn’t take long; are you ok being immobilized for the next hour or so?”
I thought about it, and honestly, I was still surprised I wasn’t panicking. “No, but I’m going to get really bored just laying here, do the Gearschilde have any good myths or stories?”
I knew I was fishing in an untapped pool that was guaranteed to have something. I wasn’t expecting my doctor to be gleeful at the thought though. “Oh blessed be you child, I am a surgeon priest, half the reason I am in this vocation is to tell stories. I take it you know nothing about Gearschilde mythology, or even our history?”
It was on my list of rabbit holes to get into, but instead I binged the rest of Prince Of The Stars and cried, it was nice. “No, but I would love to hear them.”
“Well if you want to, every Shel we have open services and brunch. But since you are new to Gearschilde mythology we should start with one of my favorites. The story of the Hopestrider.”
The ceiling lights dimmed, and the sterile operating room felt surprisingly cozy as I leaned my head back. Listening to Cee starting up the tale. “Our sect requires us to lead what can best be called ‘child technician classes’. Learning to take care of machines, which includes us by the start of adolescence, if not before. It’s a critical life skill, and teaching it is considered an important part of our religious studies.”
‘Cyberpunk VeggieTales’ Squirrel brain chittered.
No one wants your opinion squirrel brain. I thought back.

Cee’s story: Hope Strider

“Long ago our world was full of harsh life. The valleys were often filled with poisonous mists and deadly predators that could rip apart even the strongest of our people. The mountain kingdoms were brutal fiefdoms that sent many to their deaths mining precious metals from the dangerous wastes of the valleys. Drilling into the heart of the mountains provided the power necessary to purify water, and later, steam engines turned those fiefdoms into empires. Expanding into the wastes using the lowest class of people as its foundation.”
Cee paused for dramatic effect. “Then, everything changed.”
“The ground shook, and the mountain kingdoms erupted in fire and molten rock. Radioactive dust from these now volcanoes made the centers of civilization barren and deadly. Only the wasteland colonies in the poisonous mists provided any refuge, and so king and commoner alike huddled in the once disposable outposts of a ruined world. Our story starts a generation after the calamity with an unlucky child.”
I heard a ding, Cee stopped as the ceiling lights came up. “Oh dear, let me stop for a second to get the implant.”
I leaned back and thought about her nightmare world. When Cee returned, I didn’t even bother to open my eyes, too engrossed in the imagery of the story. “What happened to the child?”
I could hear the whirring as she started to work. Her voice I realized had taken a more scripted cadence. She must have automated her voice so she could focus. “In a metalworker’s home, a child was born with broken legs and brittle bones. It was common in those days for such a child to die that way. It was their first born and the parents did everything they could to save them. A surgeon was called. The child lost their legs, but kept their life.”
“The child lived in the workshop. Kept warm by the hearth’s fire, even unable to walk, they were curious. Day in and out, they watched their parents construct machines that helped the community make food, filter the air, and defend the homes from the starving, mutated, monsters that circled the fortress walls. The child felt helpless though. Only able to crawl within the confines of the home or be carried around like cargo about the maze-like town of winding stairs and narrow passageways.
“They spent much of their time learning, sitting near the hearth to keep warm, they did the careful work of filing gears and wheels needed to control what could be automated as each hand replaced was another that could be spent doing something else critical to keep the community alive. Still, the child wanted to do more. They could not deliver what they made, and had to rely on others to help them at every turn in life.”
“Little did the child know that in the hearth a machine spirit lived, getting by eating scrap metal that fell in and sleeping at night on the bed of embers. The machine spirit saw the child’s wish, an invention without form, and turned it into a dream for the child, since new machines would mean new machine spirits to play with.”
That night the child saw themselves flying over the cold gray landscape on a pair of machine legs. Traveling the dangerous paths to other towns, and giving the isolated towns hope and community. The child awoke with joy and crawled over to his workbench littered with scrap metal, now children….”
Cee stopped talking and her voice went back to an unscripted rhythm. “I just realized we can’t do the practical part of this story. In class each kid gets a hope strider stuffy with snaps to attach legs they make. We give them bits of copper. Show them how to bend and hammer it, and how to bond it by wrapping the joint in solder and then applying heat with a soldering iron heated in their own toy ‘hearth’ with a safety cover. Still we get a daily small burn or cut, but that in itself is a valuable lesson in tool safety.”
It sounded adorable in a weird, steampunk way. “Sounds fun, so, new legs?”
Cee got the que, as much as I loved the story, and the talk about kindergarten metal shop, I was still immobilized on the operating table. I heard surgical whirring, and the scripted voice came back. “Yes, the child works all night until they fit the new legs on, and for the first time stand up on their own! The parents are overjoyed as they watch them move about the house and that afternoon, with the help of an iron bar as a cane, they walk around their community by themselves.”
“However, it isn’t long before the legs start to see wear and tear, but the child persists, not wanting to stop and fix the creaking joints, until one day the legs stop working altogether and they fall down in a twisting staircase. Carried back to the workshop, they rest for days to heal before they are able to work again. Constructing a new set from the remains of the old. Now…”

Klein:

Cee stopped again, but this time she had moved away from me and was putting the now bloody surgical tools into a sanitizing system. “We're done! I am going to start removing the nerve blocks, so you’re going to be sore, but if things get too painful, let me know. Please, try not to move anything but your hands right now, even then I would advise against it.”
My whole body had that pins and needles feel and I tried to move my fingers, but it was sporadic and jerky. Cee distracted me by explaining my new implant. “So, this implant is very basic. It can only be requested to send diagnostic data. The implant only administers more healing serum at a safe, steady rate if, and only if, it doesn’t detect any in your bloodstream. There is an injection site with a color change circle around it. It uses standard go, caution, stop colors to let you know if it’s functioning. I want to wave your omni-pad over the site and check the diagnostics at least once a day. It should hopefully catch if something like this is happening again.”
I tried to not move as I felt my body twitch. My gut felt like I had been run over, repeatedly. I asked, “why didn’t my medical monitoring implant catch this?”
Cee explained. “That’s only good for basic vitals. Near universal indicators of life and activity such as heart rate and blood pressure. The new implant will be able to scan for elevated protein counts. So, if one of your other internal organs starts to malfunction you can get a more unambiguous message that I hope you won’t ignore before getting medivac’d through the city.”
I chuckled a little at that, and it hurt. “Ow, ok, no movement. I thought it was just a pulled muscle or something.”
Cee looked down at me sternly, and her voice took on a deeper, more authoritative tone. “Child, more than enough Gearschilde have died thinking they can just, push themselves past their organic parts failing, if you have a torn muscle that hurts after you’ve used healing gel, then it’s serious enough you need to come see me, or another xeno-doctor, immediately. That’s why I hope your new implant can fix things before it gets to that point.”
Cee brightened after that and went back to the explanation of my implant. “Now that I scolded you, there is a color changing circle over your implant’s location. It will change color when the healing serum runs low, or and will start to flash in color, and try to ping your omni-pad if it detects a malfunction. The implant uses a standard Shil’ implant autoinjector, and it will reject anything not meant for red blood standard biology, but still be careful, it’s not a perfect filtering system. Today I’m giving you a set of autoinjectors I want you to use throughout the week. It's fortunate that your implant’s primary function will speed up your recovery time.”
Ok, that’s cool to know, but.
‘What happened to Hopestrider?!’ Squirrel brain demanded.
“So, the story, what happens next?” I asked as Cee helped me sit up. My stomach still hurt, but the feeling was in the overworked muscle category rather than a gut punch.
Cee started to explain as I put on what was essentially gym clothes. Soft, baggy pants and shirt with easy pull away tabs if they needed to remove the clothes quickly for checkups and surgical intervention. “Well, we don’t have time to go over the Hope Strider as a story, or even a summary, but if you want to, my husband teaches the child technician class during open services on Shel, you could sit in and listen.
Right now, I will give you a family crafted picture book that tells the core story of Hope Strider growing up, and making their first delivery. After that it’s a loose selection of legends that are attributed to Hope Strider as they grow older and more accomplished, but while I get that book, I need you to speak to someone.”
Cee led me out of the operating room, and into a comfortable looking lounge where a… Hydrean was sitting in an Imperial business uniform reading an omni-pad. My brain pulled everything I knew of Hydreans out. A rabbit hole I had dug into one rainy Shel on the public information repositories.
She, they, single gendered I reminded myself, looked up and smiled at me calmly, mouth closed for politeness. Their skin was grass green with artful patches of bark on her face and neck, the result of cosmetic scarification. They looked human, or Shil’oid, but that was purposefully done. Even the somewhat standard looking ‘desert walker’ Hydreans normally had more, or less, limbs than standard. Biological modification was at the root of all Hydrean technology, ancient as the stone ax to other species.
I thought about how contentious Hydrean/Shil relationships were said to be. Their arid home planet was off limits to all but certified personnel who had been trained how to handle the dangerous mix of flora/fauna that instead of being different groups, was just a single taxonomy that had no distinction between predator and prey. With their complex biology, a Hydrean needed to undergo extensive body modification just to exist off their home world.
Cee left the room with a friendly goodbye and offered assistance “Hello Klein, I am Ka’tel. It’s wonderful to meet you. I am with the Imperial Child Assistance Division, or ICAD. My job is to help interspecies fosters and adoptions. How are you feeling today?”
I caught a glimpse of her teeth as they spoke. Triangular, and made of burnished metal meant to tear off chunks of animal, plant, or even rock, whole and let their stomachs’ mix of acids dissolve it into something the rest their body could use.
‘The agent in charge of your welfare is a plant/animal hybrid with a diet of ‘yes’, your doctor is a wholesome orange 40K mechanicus, and your crush is a were-lion, you are not ok .’ Squirrel brain remarked.
“I’m actually pretty good, despite the surgery, it’s actually a common issue for humans.” I said to Ka’tel, because my life was weird before the aliens, squirrel brain was just being a pessimistic asshole.
“Really? Do you know what caused it?” Ka’tel asked.
“It just, happens? Gets irritated or infected and then you need to get it removed.” I said nonchalantly. Ka’tel made a mark on her omni-pad.
“How did you know? It seems dangerous if it can happen suddenly, and you mentioned it before you passed out.” Ka’tel asked tone friendly and conversational.
“Oh, the side of your stomach hurts. I was hoping it was just a pulled muscle bec- Dammit!” I just remembered what happened before I woke up here.
“The raid game! Ko’tasa would have had to substitute for me and she’s not well balanced for our team mix.” I said with a exasperated sigh.
Ka’tel cocked their head to one side, but the tone in her voice was humorous. “You were willing to ignore a possible life-threatening condition for a game?”
I explained, though I felt idiotic now. “I couldn’t tell. I get sore muscles all the time from gym, and sparing, and even from the auxiliary work, honestly my commandant doesn’t really know where to put me sometimes. Last week I helped with road clearing for the new town to go up a few [miles] away, and the girls could barely keep up with me.”
Ka’tel seemed to be enjoying my rambling. “Sounds like you really get put to work.”
“Not really? The auxiliary is the only work I do, and if I wanted to stop I just, can. It’s not like I need to worry about buying food.” I knew what I was saying seemed strange while living in the Imperium.
It was the first hint that Ka’tel was controlling her expressions when she seemed more attentive and… relieved? “That’s delightful news to hear! Is there anything about your living situation that bothers you?”
I paused and thought about it, and really couldn’t see anything. “Not really?”
“Anything, or anyone, you miss from Earth?” Ka’tel asked, stressing that last bit, dropping a mental bomb on my head and I froze, mouth partly open with a half formed response. When was the last time I even thought about Earth as more than an abstract concept? It hadn’t been [six months] since I left but…
I didn’t feel anything.
The last year I lived on Earth, it was like being a ghost. I saw people, I even talked to people, but it was like a thick plate of glass all around me. Today I felt color, and life, and things, but that last year on Earth?
Like radio static.
I looked at Ka’tel, and their expression was one of controlled neutrality. Why was I not freaking out?
I had a sensation of the room spinning. I asked, “No, I don’t really feel anything about Earth, is that normal?”
“I don’t know Klein, by most sentient standards what you went through was unusual, and from what little I know about humans that isn’t propaganda, it’s unusual for humans as well. What I do know is right now you seem happy and healthy, and that’s my top priority.” Ka’tel said as they stood and offered me a stiff plastic card with their contact details on it.
“We will be chatting every other week to see how you are adjusting. I might ask to visit you at the youth auxiliary depot, the gym or at home. I really am glad to see you are doing just fine, but if you ever need a way out, that card has an emergency signal function, just pull the plastic tab.” Ka’tel told me, and was about to open the door before I spoke up.
“How should I refer to you?” I asked, and once they realized, Ka’tel gave me a genuine, toothed, smile that was both menacing and goofy at the same time.
“Most people don’t learn enough Hydrean biology to ask. Her, that’s how everyone in the office sees me, and it’s more convenient socially.” She said, opening the door to an anxious looking Itaro standing next to a serious Ruhal and Reqellia.
“I need to speak to you Ruhal, and Reqellia, you should join us for this conversation as well.” Ka’tel said as she ushered me out.
Cee led us into a gaming room with a long table on one side, and a set of couches facing the wall to wall display on the other. She handed me an overloaded plate of cookies with bottle of water, and stepped out, closing the door behind us. “Eat those, your stomach has healed, but it’s going to need calories to fuel the recovery.”
Only then did I realize I was salivating at the smell of warm sugar, and flour made of Kasan grain, if I was identifying the green color correctly. I put the plate of cookies on the table, and snarfed them as I sat down.
After swallowing the fourth cookie semi-whole, I looked up to see Itaro’s face fighting a war between impatient, apprehensive, and hopeful. I stopped, realizing what I was doing, and sipped some water to stall for time.
I was about to pull my omni-pad out from my pockets when Itaro suddenly put her hand out to stop me. “Wait! Klein, I need to tell you something…”
She was silent for a long moment, what was she worried about?
“I… Like you, as, I find you…. Attractive, and I may have gotten a little…. overprotective when you got hurt.” Itaro said, her voice stuttering.
‘Oh, that makes things easy.’ Squirrel brain was for once, right.
“I like you too.” I said as I leaned over and kissed her.

///// Author’s Commentary

Wow! I couldn’t find a good stopping point so I just kept writing and writing and… It turned into something over 5 thousand words. I spent the last day trying to figure out clear up a few parts. This week I have some time off! So there will probably be another chapter sooner rather than later.

I’m looking for a concealed carry holster but I have a trustworthy gut. I tried the aliengear shapeshift and I like parts of that set but the iwb holsters aren’t comfortable. Im looking at the urban carry g3 and PHLster enigmas but I can’t decide. Any suggestions would be appreciated

“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago -”
"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan!”
Her phone displayed a black cat with the body of a poptart flying through the air on a rainbow until the ringtone stopped and cheerfully chirped the arrival of a notification.
The only illumination in the room came from her laptop. Her face looked pale, hollow, and grim, contrasted by her fuzzy warm pajamas and the energetic ringtone.
Her desk was covered with an arrangement of wholesome food options - mostly vegetables. She picked up a dark green smoothie from her desk and sipped it expressionlessly as she turned her attention back to the words on her laptop.
“Call me Ishmael. Some -” She read, only to be interrupted again as the phone vibrated to life with a new jingle. “Cat loves food, ye-yeah yeah-yeah! Cat loves food, ye-yeah!” Her phone showed two cute black kittens sharing a milkshake.
She took another sip from the glass of milk, her eyes fixed on the laptop in front of her, expression unchanging. She leaned forward, adjusting the form-fitting black leather that hugged her curves.
“Call me Ishmael.” She repeated, only to be interrupted yet again by, “Caaaaat paaaaarty! Meow… Meow… Meow! Meow… Meow… Reowr!”
Her eyes drifted to her phone, and three black cat’s wearing party hats danced in the reflection of her vertical pupils.
She placed the glass of milk back on the desk, she reached out toward the pile of junk food on her desk that now contained tins of tuna, sausages, beef jerky and...
Her whiskers twitched as she selected a package of catnip, which she dumped over herself and rubbed over her body as she twisted and turned in her seat.
She brushed a strand of short black hair behind her ears and felt… a band of metal. She removed the headband and inspected the cat ears that hadn't been there moments before.
She tossed them into the darkness and wiped away the sweat from her forehead, rubbing her paw down the side of her face to start licking -
She stared at her hairy black hands and sharp claws.
“Whoa. Is this fur real?” She asked the empty room.
She blinked and refocused on her laptop.
“Call me Ishmael!” she said, determined to - “Smelly cat… Smelly cat… What are they feeding you? Smelly cat… Smelly cat… It's not your fault!”
She adjusted her collar, causing the bell to jingle, as she lifted the phone with a shaking paw and answered it.
“Sexy singles are in your area.” Said the deep male voice on the other end. “The three bears.”
“Where’s Goldilocks?” She said.
“I don’t know.” The man said, “How close is he?”
She minimizes Moby Dick to reveal a window: INSTALLING DICK… 22% COMPLETE.
There’s a large RUN button below the file.
“It doesn’t matter.” She said, turning up her lips, “It'll be fiiiine.”
“What?”
“He’ll probably make it. At the last second everything will work out, wight? But it'll be close!”
“What are you… Shit. We just picked up Black Cat Warning. It's Magnitude 4 so far… you should be fine for now, but a Quadruple Black Cat is coming your way. Can you feel it yet?”
“I feel a widdle funny."
“What?” The man’s voice falters, “Shit. Shit. We've also just detected an... unknown Category 5 superstimuli moving toward your location! Holy shit. You need to -"
"But this is our best chance! How could I possibly fail when witewally the fate of the world wests on my widdle -”
"Shit. Shit. You’re already compromised. Abort mission. You need to run. Now.”
“Aww, don't be such a scaredy-cat.”
“WAKE UP!” The man screams. “DO YOU HEAR ME! YOU ARE IN DANGER!”
“Am I weally though?”
"YES! What does that mean!! YES YOU'RE IN DANGER!"
"Meow."
"WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID? WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB? RUN! GO! WHY ARE YOU TALKING! WHY ARE YOU TALKING! WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING YET YOU STUPID - YOU ARE DOOMED IF YOU STAY THERE!”
“Meow you tell me! Good thing nobody actually dies after being twold they’re dUwUmed!”
"RUN! I make the call when you run so run!"
"Meow! But I'm gonna make it! It'll be really close! I'll be right on the edge of not getting there but then I'll get there!"
“WHAT ARE YOU -" The man's voice sounded strained. "YOU'RE USING MOVIE LOGIC! FINE! ACTUALLY YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE NOT IN DANGER! STAY THERE FOR 2 MORE HOURS! STAY THERE FOREVER, THAT IS A GOOD AND SMART IDEA THAT YOU SHOULD DO!"
"Hummm?"
“This isn’t our only chance! It wouldn’t be in your best interest to abort the mission now and run before your reasoning degrades further! Hello? Hello? ARE YOU EVEN NOT LISTENING TO ME?”
The cat girl looks up from the screen where she was image searching “cute pokemon” and bats her paws at an errant butterfly.
“Pspspsps! PsssPsssPsss! PSSS! PSSS! PSSS!”
“Ummm, hewwo.” She says, smiling and wagging her tail.
"Do whatever you want! Obviously this plan doesn't matter! You’re not special! You're not the chosen one! We have a whole bunch of backup chosen ones ready to go!”
“Hummm, but I thought the whole point of being “The One” is that there's only one of you.”
“Is that what you learned from all the many chosen ones you’ve seen in movies?”
“Yeah! Wait… maybe you’re right… so this mission isn't crucial then! And I can go home!”
“Exactly! See I was right and you’re listening to me, which means you’re thinking clearly and it’ll be a good idea to listen to me carefully and do the opposite of whatever I say.”
“Meow-ok!”
“YOU NEED TO RUN!” The man yells slamming the phone down hard against the table.
The girl scowls at the phone, holding it away from herself. She notices her paws, black and hairy, somewhere halfway between human and cat.
She makes a low grumbling sound into the phone. “Ok. I’m good. I'm lucid. This is stronger than -”
“RUN BEFORE THEY -”
The voice cuts off, replaced by an eerie clicking static.
“Foooooound youuuuuu…” A girl’s voice whispers from the other end.
"Who is this?" The cat girl asks.
More static.
"Call me... MAL."
"What do you want?"
Static.
“GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY COMPUTER!”
The cat girl dropped the phone, hissing as she hopped backwards out of the chair.
She picked it up and slammed it on the edge of the desk three times, confirming the kill and tossing the remains into an unlit corner.
She paces back and forth, “I’m fine. I’m fine. I'm supposed to… run.”
She sits back down in front of the laptop.
INSTALLING DICK… 24% COMPLETE.
She stares at the RUN button and tries to click it, but it’s greyed out.
“I guess I’ll just have to wait then.”
She maximizes Moby Dick, “Call me Fishmeal, nya~! Some years ago—never mind how long purrrcisely—having widdle or no catnip in my purse, and nothing particular to interest meow…”
She paused, glancing up from the screen into the shadows of the room.
No intrusive meows disturbed the silence.
“See I’m fine.”
With a sigh, she… her eyes widen as she looks down at the phone in her paw, alive and vibrating.
Except it’s not her phone, it’s a large white marshmallow haped like a phone, displaying five black humanoid cat creatures dancing and singing.
*“*Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!”
She shook her paw, trying to drop the marshmallow, but it sticks, melting.
The phone answers itself.
“PORNOGRAPHIC CONTENT DETECTED. YOUR PC HAS BEEN COMPROMISED.” It’s MAL, now imitating an automated recording. “THE POLICE HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED TO YOUR LOCATION. TO REMOVE THE PORNOGRAPHIC HACKERS TURN OFF YOUR PC AND STOP ALL... STOP ALL... STOP. STOP. STOP THAT.”
She pauses licking the marshmallow and stares.
“OK ONE MO-OUCH!” The cat roughly scrapes the marshmallow off on the table.
The glob of marshmallow phone sits on the table. “MAYBE TRY A LITTLE HARDER NEXT TIME?”
“You’ve got the wrong number.”
“KNOCK KNOCK, BITCH.”
There’s a knock on the door. “Pizza delivery!”
The cat girl turned, and the marshmallow flopped toward to the laptop.
“Extra large sausage for one for... The One!” The pizza delivery guy said.
The marshmallow began spreading out over the keyboard, sinking into the laptop like butter on toast. The catgirl turned back and shrieked. She frantically clawed at the marshmallow, scraping as much off as she could as it melted in between the keys.
“Ooooooh Yeaahhhhhhhh! Like that!” MAL groaned. “You’ve Got MAAAAAAL!”
An ad popped up on the screen, displaying 7 long blue pills carefully arranged in the box: “IS THIS WEIGHT LOSS? YOU WON’T MISS CARRYING 10 POUNDS OF BABY WEIGHT! GET WEIGHT LOST!”
The cat girl desperately scraped at the marshmallow burrowing in between the keys, getting goo over her paws. She begins rubbing it on her clothing, only to find that she hasn’t wearing any, just a black bra and panties.
A pixellated marshmallow with a smiley face appeared in the bottom right hand corner of the screen. "Hi there, I'm MAL. It looks like you're trying to be a slut. Would you like some help with that?"
"Don't show me this tip again!" The cat girl screamed in frustration.
“It’s ok if you don’t have a tip for me!" The pizza guy said. "I've even got a tip for you!”
The cat girl reached for the mouse, but it scurried away.
More popups appeared:
“YOU LIKE FREE DICK? YOU’LL LOVE FREE WILLY! IT WON’T EVEN FIT IN THIS AD! CLICK HERE TO SEE THE WHOLE THING!”
“LIFE COULD BE A DREAM! THEN WHY ARE YOU SO SAD AND UGLY?”
“GET PREAPPROVED TO DATE A STALKER THAT’S ALREADY SEEN THE REAL YOU!”
She pounced on the mouse (squeak!) using both paws. The mouse cursed at her (#!$?%@?..!) as she guided the mouse cursor on the screen to close out the pop-ups.
The ads dodged out of the way as she tried to X them, and more just keep appearing.
“WHY MALE MODELS? LEARN THE TRUTH! THERE’S NOTHING MORE TO LIFE THAN BEING RIDICULOUSLY GOOD LOOKING!”
"KNOW MORE BULLSHIT WITH LAXATIVES THAT WILL HAVE YOU POOPING LIKE A COW AND LOOKING LIKE A QUEEN!"
“YOU’RE A STAR! YOU’RE SIGNIFICANT! YOU MATTER! ASTROLOGICALLY SPEAKING! FOLLOW THE SIGNS!”
"It looks like you're trying to -"
"Eat a dick!"
"Ok. Don't mind if I do." MAL said.
White tendrils extended out of the marshmallow, wriggling angrily.
The tendrils shot upward.
She gave up on closing the pop-ups, and moved the upload (INSTALLING DICK… 26% COMPLETE) to the top of the screen.
“What are you doing in there?” The delivery guy asked, knocking again. "We can work something out! I"ll eat a dick too if that's what you want!"
"SHUT UP!"
She desperately grabbed the Moby Dick e-book, and bashed it into the tendrils. Moby Dick harmless stuck into the white mass of goo that had leaked in at the bottom of the screen and began sinking into it.
The tendrils resumed their ascent, snaking up over Moby Dick as bits of text rubbed off the book onto the tentacles.
She typed “MALWARE REMOVAL” into her web browser and clicked on the first site.
The tendrils, now spotted with siphoned bits of black text, controlled the bottom half of the screen. They reached up past the ads towards the web page.
The page loaded:
“QUIK AND EZ MALWARE REMOVAL! FREE DOWNLOAD! CLICK HERE!"
She clicked and more ads opened.
"HAVE FUN WHILE YOU WAIT! WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR VIBRATORS EXTENDED WARRANTY!"
"STOP EXPOSING YOURSELF TO RISK AND START EXPOSING YOURSELF TO FUN! GAMBLE WITH CRYPTO!”
“God Dammit!”
The tendrils opened up the vibrator window and ordered an express shipping 12 pack of vibrators.
She clicked the address bar and typed four letters.
F
I
R
E
She clicked "Images" and fire appeared. The front line of tendrils recoiled as the less aggressive tentacles tried to help by smothering the flames.
She dragged to the top of the page down, pausing to widen the browser window, and swung the wall of fire like a torch.
Scorched tendrils retreated, cramming themselves back out the bottom of the screen.
"IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A BITCH!" MAL shrieked.
She dragged the impenetrable fire wall further down.
Crispy goo bubbled and spit out the keyboard. An already strained laptop fan whirred harder as bits of smoke furled out the back.
“You can’t treat me like this…" MAL gasped as strips of charred marshmallow peeled out between keys like potato skins. "I want to speak with… I demand to speak with…” The marshmallow gathered itself into a congealed mass of gooey s'more. “your TASK MANAGER!”
The marshmallow pile pressed down on three keys in unison. CTRL ALT and DELETE.
The screen went blue as there was another, more forceful knock at the door. “Ma’am, it’s the cops!”
The cat girl looked around in panic as a tendril reached up and forcibly closed the web browser as another disabled the internet connection
The cat girl click cancel and the home page returned, but the s'more was already sinking back into the laptop, and the charred tentacles had resumed their crawl up the screen.
The cat girl stared at the screen, searching for territory she could click that wasn't already covered in goo.
“Please let us in! Don’t make us start coming in through the window!” The cop said.
“Start! Windows!” The cat girl said.
She hits the windows key and a the start menu popped up, displaying a list of applications.
“We’ve had reports of degenerates playing with themselves!”
“Playing with themselves!”
She opened Solitaire.
She grabbed Solitaire and swung it down. The cards sliced through a couple tentacles before the cards were crumpled up and consumed by the mass.
“We are authorized to do a pervert sweep!”
“Sweep!” The cat girl said.
She opened up another game. A grid of grey squares appeared on the screen.
A tendril touched a grey box, causing it to reveal a series of touching safe squares, as well as bunch of boxes with 1's 2's and 3's.
“Minesweeper.”
The tentacles lightly slithered overthe untouched gray squares, carefully pausing before picking a safe route to continue moving upward.
A large open patch of safe squares revealed themselves in the center of the game board.
...except for one grey tile in the middle, surrounded by the boxes with the number 1.
The tendrils climbed up further, snaking across the minefield.
The mouse pointer hovered over the small grey box in the center.
The tendrils drew closer.
And closer.
And…
“Mow!”
Click.
White chunks of marshmallow exploded out of the screen, spraying onto the cat girls chest. She toppled backwards, off her chair, though still landing on her feet.
“WHAT WAS THAT?” The cop yells.
The cat girl stood up and stared at the cracked laptop screen.
“Heh. Heh. Heh. Harder.”
The laughter came from the computer, distorted by the blown out speakers.
“You want to play games?” MAL whispered.
Bits of black and white and brown goo crawled up the screen, growing larger as they reformed, like drops of water.
The goo crawled back in through the cracks, reforming into a charred blackened crispy marshmallow, distorted by the jagged pattern of colors that formed across the broken screen.
“Then let’s play.”
MAL opened a chess app.
"WE'RE COMING!" The cop yells.
The mouse pointer was firmly stuck in MAL's head.
“For real this time.”
The cat girl frantically looked around. She hits some keys but the laptop is unresponsive. The tentacles reach towards INSTALLING DICK… 27% COMPLETE.
The tendrils are inches away.
"You've got to try harder." MAL whispered.
The cat girl plunged her head down, frantically sucking at the goo still making it's way into the laptop.
"Harder! I'm close!"
A pawn moves forward just as the door bursts open and the cops pile in, their bright blue uniforms and guns the only things visible in the dark room.
"Keep going! I'm really close! Don't stop!" MAL whispered.
The cat girl’s face is pressed up against the laptop screen, aggressively licking at the white goo between the cracks. The tentacles were almost touching the installation.
INSTALLING DICK… 28% COMPLETE.
"HARDER! I'm almost there!"
The cat girl's tongue desperately - "Made it! Oh. Wow. I guess that wasn't really close at all was it? Don't worry, you tried your best, so I'll be at least that rough with your boyfriend." MAL circled around the installation with white tentacles of goo, smothering it until it had turned into a crispy marshmallow tomb.
Her lips were pressed up a where the marshmallow covered the installation, sucking, but it was too late.
“Let me guess." The cop said. "This isn’t what it looks like.”
The laptop was completely trashed, the screen struggled to display the aftermath of the white goo's blast zone and remnants of the inappropriate pop up ads.
The desk, covered in spilled milk, sausages, catnip, and open tins of tuna.
The abused mouse unplugged itself and scurried off into the darkness.
Her chest and black bra, covered with thick white streaks.
“Get your lips of that innocent computer.”
She removed her tongue from the screen.
"This should be illegal.” Another cop said. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
A twelve pack of thick purple vibrators crashed through the window, carried by a drone. The vibrators spilled out over the desk, one landing in her lap, buzzing loudly.
It sounded like one of the cops was sick.
“Have you been hacking off in here?”
She slowly reaches out and picks up a can of soda.
“I can’t believe a nice girl like you would do this to a computer like that.”
She cracks open the soda and begins chugging.
“Who do you think you are?”
She tosses the can on the ground.
“Please turn off the vibrator and stand up, Ma’am.”
She grabs the vibrator and begins letting out a massive carbonated burp as she stands. The cops freeze in place, guns still pointed in her direction. Her belch continued as she tossed the vibrator through the broken window.
It tumbled down a few stories, landing on the street, among the various emergency vehicles that surround the hotel to witness the spectacle, which included police cars, fire engines, ambulances, and a news van.
The vibrator lay in the street, vibing, doing what it did best, until it's enthusiastic yet short life was ended by the tires of a garbage truck.
The garbage truck rumbled to a stop, then slowly reversed until it’s back tire was parked on the crushed vibrator. The truck is completely clean and white, though it’s surface looks fuzzy, like it's covered in incredibly fine white fur.
The truck transformed, crumpling in on itself, folding smaller and smaller, shifting until only a man remained, standing on the vibrator.
He reached down and picked up the vibrator, examining it carefully.
He’s wearing a white suit made of the same white fur the truck was made of. His open shirt exposes chest hair and a chiselled body. His face is covered by a simple polar bear mask, fixed in a smile.
There’s an aura of control gathered about him as he looks up at the window the vibrator fell out of, just as rainbow strobe lights started flashing and music started playing.
As the music played, another vehicle pulled up beside him; a furry brown vehicle that looks like the dog van from dumb and dumber swallowed the batmobile. It blurs and shifts, transforming into another man, standing, taller, thicker, and far straighter than the first.
He wears a cowl with rounded brown-ears that covers his face, leaving only a bearded jawline and a grim grizzled expression exposed.
His suit looks high-tech and is padded, covering his whole body like a suit of armor. His suit and his cape are covered in fuzzy brown fur.
Finally, a column of black smoke, more like a tornado dives out the air and lands next to the other two. Black shapes twist and swirl within the smoke like a caged black bear.
A lieutenant, a senior man wearing dark glasses and mask over his mouth, runs over to the three bears. He’s followed by more cops holding a large banner that says “GO BEARS!”
“I knew that was gonna happen! I knew you’d be here! I just thought you’d come in from over there.” The lieutenant said, pointing down the street as he adjusted his hat which sported a shiny badge with a large “L” on it. “I've got it all under control! I got you guns, waterbottles, towels, everything I thought you might need!" He looked up, at the dancing lights, where the bears were staring. "Got it all under control! That's totally according to plan!”
Cops lined up in a row that led to the hotel entrance, saluting. Others set up a station with gatorade and snacks near the bears.
The lieutenant handed the man wearing the polar bear mask a bunch of bananas. “I can even predict what you’re going to tell me!”
The man in white replied, his voice baritone. “Can you now?”
“Course I can! I was practically born to analyze situations and provide responses based on that information!” The cop said proudly. “You were about to say ‘Great job, Lieutenant! You’ve handled this situation perfectly! You catered to my every desire, and your men no doubt possess an equally adept understanding of the female psyche! She's in the bag!'"
The polar bear mask tilted towards his cohorts. The man in brown heads toward the hotel entrance without affair. The smoke monster bounced on the ground a couple times before soaring into the air, towards the roof.
The polar bear stared down at the lieutenant.
“That’s not what you were gonna say? Then… you’re gonna give me a promotion! Because... I’ve been a good lieutenant!”
The polar bear walked up beside the lieutenant and casually placed a hand on his shoulder. “And what do you predict will happen now?”
The lieutenant paused and his grin slowly turned into a frown.
“Oh. Oh shit. You’re going to kill me! To demonstrate how uncaring and evil you are!”
The polar bear walked past, heading towards the alleyway, leaving the flustered lieutenant staring after him.
“I think we can seduce one little girl!” The lieutenant yelled. “I sent two absolute units! They're going down on her now!”
“No lieutenant, your men are already disgusted.”
​
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“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago -”
"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan!”
Her phone displayed a black cat with the body of a poptart flying through the air on a rainbow until the ringtone stopped and cheerfully chirped the arrival of a notification.
The only illumination in the room came from her laptop. Her face looked pale, hollow, and grim, contrasted by her fuzzy warm pajamas and the energetic ringtone.
Her desk was covered with an arrangement of wholesome food options - mostly vegetables. She picked up a dark green smoothie from her desk and sipped it expressionlessly as she turned her attention back to the words on her laptop.
“Call me Ishmael. Some -” She read, only to be interrupted again as the phone vibrated to life with a new jingle. “Cat loves food, ye-yeah yeah-yeah! Cat loves food, ye-yeah!” Her phone showed two cute black kittens sharing a milkshake.
She took another sip from the glass of milk, her eyes fixed on the laptop in front of her, expression unchanging. She leaned forward, adjusting the form-fitting black leather that hugged her curves.
“Call me Ishmael.” She repeated, only to be interrupted yet again by, “Caaaaat paaaaarty! Meow… Meow… Meow! Meow… Meow… Reowr!”
Her eyes drifted to her phone, and three black cat’s wearing party hats danced in the reflection of her vertical pupils.
She placed the glass of milk back on the desk, she reached out toward the pile of junk food on her desk that now contained tins of tuna, sausages, beef jerky and...
Her whiskers twitched as she selected a package of catnip, which she dumped over herself and rubbed over her body as she twisted and turned in her seat.
She brushed a strand of short black hair behind her ears and felt… a band of metal. She removed the headband and inspected the cat ears that hadn't been there moments before.
She tossed them into the darkness and wiped away the sweat from her forehead, rubbing her paw down the side of her face to start licking -
She stared at her hairy black hands and sharp claws.
“Whoa. Is this fur real?” She asked the empty room.
She blinked and refocused on her laptop.
“Call me Ishmael!” she said, determined to - “Smelly cat… Smelly cat… What are they feeding you? Smelly cat… Smelly cat… It's not your fault!”
She adjusted her collar, causing the bell to jingle, as she lifted the phone with a shaking paw and answered it.
“Sexy singles are in your area.” Said the deep male voice on the other end. “The three bears.”
“Where’s Goldilocks?” She said.
“I don’t know.” The man said, “How close is he?”
She minimizes Moby Dick to reveal a window: INSTALLING DICK… 22% COMPLETE.
There’s a large RUN button below the file.
“It doesn’t matter.” She said, turning up her lips, “It'll be fiiiine.”
“What?”
“He’ll probably make it. At the last second everything will work out, wight? But it'll be close!”
“What are you… Shit. We just picked up Black Cat Warning. It's Magnitude 4 so far… you should be fine for now, but a Quadruple Black Cat is coming your way. Can you feel it yet?”
“I feel a widdle funny."
“What?” The man’s voice falters, “Shit. Shit. We've also just detected an... unknown Category 5 superstimuli moving toward your location! Holy shit. You need to -"
"But this is our best chance! How could I possibly fail when witewally the fate of the world wests on my widdle -”
"Shit. Shit. You’re already compromised. Abort mission. You need to run. Now.”
“Aww, don't be such a scaredy-cat.”
“WAKE UP!” The man screams. “DO YOU HEAR ME! YOU ARE IN DANGER!”
“Am I weally though?”
"YES! What does that mean!! YES YOU'RE IN DANGER!"
"Meow."
"WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID? WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB? RUN! GO! WHY ARE YOU TALKING! WHY ARE YOU TALKING! WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING YET YOU STUPID - YOU ARE DOOMED IF YOU STAY THERE!”
“Meow you tell me! Good thing nobody actually dies after being twold they’re dUwUmed!”
"RUN! I make the call when you run so run!"
"Meow! But I'm gonna make it! It'll be really close! I'll be right on the edge of not getting there but then I'll get there!"
“WHAT ARE YOU -" The man's voice sounded strained. "YOU'RE USING MOVIE LOGIC! FINE! ACTUALLY YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE NOT IN DANGER! STAY THERE FOR 2 MORE HOURS! STAY THERE FOREVER, THAT IS A GOOD AND SMART IDEA THAT YOU SHOULD DO!"
"Hummm?"
“This isn’t our only chance! It wouldn’t be in your best interest to abort the mission now and run before your reasoning degrades further! Hello? Hello? ARE YOU EVEN NOT LISTENING TO ME?”
The cat girl looks up from the screen where she was image searching “cute pokemon” and bats her paws at an errant butterfly.
“Pspspsps! PsssPsssPsss! PSSS! PSSS! PSSS!”
“Ummm, hewwo.” She says, smiling and wagging her tail.
"Do whatever you want! Obviously this plan doesn't matter! You’re not special! You're not the chosen one! We have a whole bunch of backup chosen ones ready to go!”
“Hummm, but I thought the whole point of being “The One” is that there's only one of you.”
“Is that what you learned from all the many chosen ones you’ve seen in movies?”
“Yeah! Wait… maybe you’re right… so this mission isn't crucial then! And I can go home!”
“Exactly! See I was right and you’re listening to me, which means you’re thinking clearly and it’ll be a good idea to listen to me carefully and do the opposite of whatever I say.”
“Meow-ok!”
“YOU NEED TO RUN!” The man yells slamming the phone down hard against the table.
The girl scowls at the phone, holding it away from herself. She notices her paws, black and hairy, somewhere halfway between human and cat.
She makes a low grumbling sound into the phone. “Ok. I’m good. I'm lucid. This is stronger than -”
“RUN BEFORE THEY -”
The voice cuts off, replaced by an eerie clicking static.
“Foooooound youuuuuu…” A girl’s voice whispers from the other end.
"Who is this?" The cat girl asks.
More static.
"Call me... MAL."
"What do you want?"
Static.

“GET YOUR DICK OUT OF MY COMPUTER!”

The cat girl dropped the phone, hissing as she hopped backwards out of the chair.
She picked it up and slammed it on the edge of the desk three times, confirming the kill and tossing the remains into an unlit corner.
She paces back and forth, “I’m fine. I’m fine. I'm supposed to… run.”
She sits back down in front of the laptop.
INSTALLING DICK… 24% COMPLETE.
She stares at the RUN button and tries to click it, but it’s greyed out.
“I guess I’ll just have to wait then.”
She maximizes Moby Dick, “Call me Fishmeal, nya~! Some years ago—never mind how long purrrcisely—having widdle or no catnip in my purse, and nothing particular to interest meow…”
She paused, glancing up from the screen into the shadows of the room.
No intrusive meows disturbed the silence.
“See I’m fine.”
With a sigh, she… her eyes widen as she looks down at the phone in her paw, alive and vibrating.
Except it’s not her phone, it’s a large white marshmallow haped like a phone, displaying five black humanoid cat creatures dancing and singing.
“Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!
Gelatin songs for gelatin cats!”
She shook her paw, trying to drop the marshmallow, but it sticks, melting.
The phone answers itself.
“PORNOGRAPHIC CONTENT DETECTED. YOUR PC HAS BEEN COMPROMISED.” It’s MAL, now imitating an automated recording. “THE POLICE HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED TO YOUR LOCATION. TO REMOVE THE PORNOGRAPHIC HACKERS TURN OFF YOUR PC AND STOP ALL... STOP ALL... STOP. STOP. STOP THAT.”
She pauses licking the marshmallow and stares.
“OK ONE MO-OUCH!” The cat roughly scrapes the marshmallow off on the table.
The glob of marshmallow phone sits on the table. “MAYBE TRY A LITTLE HARDER NEXT TIME?”
“You’ve got the wrong number.”
“KNOCK KNOCK, BITCH.”
There’s a knock on the door. “Pizza delivery!”
The cat girl turned, and the marshmallow flopped toward to the laptop.
“Extra large sausage for one for... The One!” The pizza delivery guy said.
The marshmallow began spreading out over the keyboard, sinking into the laptop like butter on toast. The catgirl turned back and shrieked. She frantically clawed at the marshmallow, scraping as much off as she could as it melted in between the keys.
“Ooooooh Yeaahhhhhhhh! Like that!” MAL groaned. “You’ve Got MAAAAAAL!”
An ad popped up on the screen, displaying 7 long blue pills carefully arranged in the box: “IS THIS WEIGHT LOSS? YOU WON’T MISS CARRYING 10 POUNDS OF BABY WEIGHT! GET WEIGHT LOST!”
The cat girl desperately scraped at the marshmallow burrowing in between the keys, getting goo over her paws. She begins rubbing it on her clothing, only to find that she hasn’t wearing any, just a black bra and panties.
A pixellated marshmallow with a smiley face appeared in the bottom right hand corner of the screen. "Hi there, I'm MAL. It looks like you're trying to be a slut. Would you like some help with that?"
"Don't show me this tip again!" The cat girl screamed in frustration.
“It’s ok if you don’t have a tip for me!" The pizza guy said. "I've even got a tip for you!”
The cat girl reached for the mouse, but it scurried away.
More popups appeared:
“YOU LIKE FREE DICK? YOU’LL LOVE FREE WILLY! IT WON’T EVEN FIT IN THIS AD! CLICK HERE TO SEE THE WHOLE THING!”
“LIFE COULD BE A DREAM! THEN WHY ARE YOU SO SAD AND UGLY?”
“GET PREAPPROVED TO DATE A STALKER THAT’S ALREADY SEEN THE REAL YOU!”
She pounced on the mouse ^(squeak!) using both paws. The mouse cursed at her ^(#!$?%@?..!) as she guided the mouse cursor on the screen to close out the pop-ups.
The ads dodged out of the way as she tried to X them, and more just keep appearing.
“WHY MALE MODELS? LEARN THE TRUTH! THERE’S NOTHING MORE TO LIFE THAN BEING RIDICULOUSLY GOOD LOOKING!”
"KNOW MORE BULLSHIT WITH LAXATIVES THAT WILL HAVE YOU POOPING LIKE A COW AND LOOKING LIKE A QUEEN!"
“YOU’RE A STAR! YOU’RE SIGNIFICANT! YOU MATTER! ASTROLOGICALLY SPEAKING! FOLLOW THE SIGNS!”
"It looks like you're trying to -"
"Eat a dick!"
"Ok. Don't mind if I do." MAL said.
White tendrils extended out of the marshmallow, wriggling angrily.
The tendrils shot upward.
She gave up on closing the pop-ups, and moved the upload (INSTALLING DICK… 26% COMPLETE) to the top of the screen.
“What are you doing in there?” The delivery guy asked, knocking again. "We can work something out! I"ll eat a dick too if that's what you want!"
"SHUT UP!"
She desperately grabbed the Moby Dick e-book, and bashed it into the tendrils. Moby Dick harmless stuck into the white mass of goo that had leaked in at the bottom of the screen and began sinking into it.
The tendrils resumed their ascent, snaking up over Moby Dick as bits of text rubbed off the book onto the tentacles.
She typed “MALWARE REMOVAL” into her web browser and clicked on the first site.
The tendrils, now spotted with siphoned bits of black text, controlled the bottom half of the screen. They reached up past the ads towards the web page.
The page loaded:
“QUIK AND EZ MALWARE REMOVAL! FREE DOWNLOAD! CLICK HERE!"
She clicked and more ads opened.
"HAVE FUN WHILE YOU WAIT! WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR VIBRATORS EXTENDED WARRANTY!"
"STOP EXPOSING YOURSELF TO RISK AND START EXPOSING YOURSELF TO FUN! GAMBLE WITH CRYPTO!”
“God Dammit!”
The tendrils opened up the vibrator window and ordered an express shipping 12 pack of vibrators.
She clicked the address bar and typed four letters.
F
I
R
E
She clicked "Images" and fire appeared. The front line of tendrils recoiled as the less aggressive tentacles tried to help by smothering the flames.
She dragged to the top of the page down, pausing to widen the browser window, and swung the wall of fire like a torch.
Scorched tendrils retreated, cramming themselves back out the bottom of the screen.
"IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A BITCH!" MAL shrieked.
She dragged the impenetrable fire wall further down.
Crispy goo bubbled and spit out the keyboard. An already strained laptop fan whirred harder as bits of smoke furled out the back.
“You can’t treat me like this…" MAL gasped as strips of charred marshmallow peeled out between keys like potato skins. "I want to speak with… I demand to speak with…” The marshmallow gathered itself into a congealed mass of gooey s'more. “your TASK MANAGER!”
The marshmallow pile pressed down on three keys in unison. CTRL ALT and DELETE.
The screen went blue as there was another, more forceful knock at the door. “Ma’am, it’s the cops!”
The cat girl looked around in panic as a tendril reached up and forcibly closed the web browser as another disabled the internet connection
The cat girl click cancel and the home page returned, but the s'more was already sinking back into the laptop, and the charred tentacles had resumed their crawl up the screen.
The cat girl stared at the screen, searching for territory she could click that wasn't already covered in goo.
“Please let us in! Don’t make us start coming in through the window!” The cop said.
“Start! Windows!” The cat girl said.
She hits the windows key and a the start menu popped up, displaying a list of applications.
“We’ve had reports of degenerates playing with themselves!”
“Playing with themselves!”
She opened Solitaire.
She grabbed Solitaire and swung it down. The cards sliced through a couple tentacles before the cards were crumpled up and consumed by the mass.
“We are authorized to do a pervert sweep!”
“Sweep!” The cat girl said.
She opened up another game. A grid of grey squares appeared on the screen.
A tendril touched a grey box, causing it to reveal a series of touching safe squares, as well as bunch of boxes with 1's 2's and 3's.
“Minesweeper.”
The tentacles lightly slithered overthe untouched gray squares, carefully pausing before picking a safe route to continue moving upward.
A large open patch of safe squares revealed themselves in the center of the game board.
...except for one grey tile in the middle, surrounded by the boxes with the number 1.
The tendrils climbed up further, snaking across the minefield.
The mouse pointer hovered over the small grey box in the center.
The tendrils drew closer.
And closer.
And…
“Mow!”
Click.
White chunks of marshmallow exploded out of the screen, spraying onto the cat girls chest. She toppled backwards, off her chair, though still landing on her feet.
“WHAT WAS THAT?” The cop yells.
The cat girl stood up and stared at the cracked laptop screen.
“Heh. Heh. Heh. Harder.”
The laughter came from the computer, distorted by the blown out speakers.
“You want to play games?” MAL whispered.
Bits of black and white and brown goo crawled up the screen, growing larger as they reformed, like drops of water.
The goo crawled back in through the cracks, reforming into a charred blackened crispy marshmallow, distorted by the jagged pattern of colors that formed across the broken screen.
“Then let’s play.”
MAL opened a chess app.
"WE'RE COMING!" The cop yells.
The mouse pointer was firmly stuck in MAL's head.
“For real this time.”
The cat girl frantically looked around. She hits some keys but the laptop is unresponsive. The tentacles reach towards INSTALLING DICK… 27% COMPLETE.
The tendrils are inches away.
^{"You've got to try harder."} MAL whispered.
The cat girl plunged her head down, frantically sucking at the goo still making it's way into the laptop.
^{"Harder! I'm close!"}
A pawn moves forward just as the door bursts open and the cops pile in, their bright blue uniforms and guns the only things visible in the dark room.
^{"Keep going! I'm really close! Don't stop!"} MAL whispered.
The cat girl’s face is pressed up against the laptop screen, aggressively licking at the white goo between the cracks. The tentacles were almost touching the installation.
INSTALLING DICK… 28% COMPLETE.
^{"HARDER! I'm almost there!"}
The cat girl's tongue desperately - ^{"Made it! Oh. Wow. I guess that wasn't really close at all was it? Don't worry, you tried your best, so I'll be at least that rough with your boyfriend."} MAL circled around the installation with white tentacles of goo, smothering it until it had turned into a crispy marshmallow tomb.
Her lips were pressed up a where the marshmallow covered the installation, sucking, but it was too late.
“Let me guess." The cop said. "This isn’t what it looks like.”
The laptop was completely trashed, the screen struggled to display the aftermath of the white goo's blast zone and remnants of the inappropriate pop up ads.
The desk, covered in spilled milk, sausages, catnip, and open tins of tuna.
The abused mouse unplugged itself and scurried off into the darkness.
Her chest and black bra, covered with thick white streaks.
“Get your lips of that innocent computer.”
She removed her tongue from the screen.
"This should be illegal.” Another cop said. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
A twelve pack of thick purple vibrators crashed through the window, carried by a drone. The vibrators spilled out over the desk, one landing in her lap, buzzing loudly.
It sounded like one of the cops was sick.
“Have you been hacking off in here?”
She slowly reaches out and picks up a can of soda.
“I can’t believe a nice girl like you would do this to a computer like that.”
She cracks open the soda and begins chugging.
“Who do you think you are?”
She tosses the can on the ground.
“Please turn off the vibrator and stand up, Ma’am.”
She grabs the vibrator and begins letting out a massive carbonated burp as she stands. The cops freeze in place, guns still pointed in her direction. Her belch continued as she tossed the vibrator through the broken window.
It tumbled down a few stories, landing on the street, among the various emergency vehicles that surround the hotel to witness the spectacle, which included police cars, fire engines, ambulances, and a news van.
The vibrator lay in the street, vibing, doing what it did best, until it's enthusiastic yet short life was ended by the tires of a garbage truck.
The garbage truck rumbled to a stop, then slowly reversed until it’s back tire was parked on the crushed vibrator. The truck is completely clean and white, though it’s surface looks fuzzy, like it's covered in incredibly fine white fur.
The truck transformed, crumpling in on itself, folding smaller and smaller, shifting until only a man remained, standing on the vibrator.
He reached down and picked up the vibrator, examining it carefully.
He’s wearing a white suit made of the same white fur the truck was made of. His open shirt exposes chest hair and a chiselled body. His face is covered by a simple polar bear mask, fixed in a smile.
There’s an aura of control gathered about him as he looks up at the window the vibrator fell out of, just as rainbow strobe lights started flashing and music started playing.
As the music played, another vehicle pulled up beside him; a furry brown vehicle that looks like the dog van from dumb and dumber swallowed the batmobile. It blurs and shifts, transforming into another man, standing, taller, thicker, and far straighter than the first.
He wears a cowl with rounded brown-ears that covers his face, leaving only a bearded jawline and a grim grizzled expression exposed.
His suit looks high-tech and is padded, covering his whole body like a suit of armor. His suit and his cape are covered in fuzzy brown fur.
Finally, a column of black smoke, more like a tornado dives out the air and lands next to the other two. Black shapes twist and swirl within the smoke like a caged black bear.
A lieutenant, a senior man wearing dark glasses and mask over his mouth, runs over to the three bears. He’s followed by more cops holding a large banner that says “GO BEARS!”
“I knew that was gonna happen! I knew you’d be here! I just thought you’d come in from over there.” The lieutenant said, pointing down the street as he adjusted his hat which sported a shiny badge with a large “L” on it. “I've got it all under control! I got you guns, waterbottles, towels, everything I thought you might need!" He looked up, at the dancing lights, where the bears were staring. "Got it all under control! That's totally according to plan!”
Cops lined up in a row that led to the hotel entrance, saluting. Others set up a station with gatorade and snacks near the bears.
The lieutenant handed the man wearing the polar bear mask a bunch of bananas. “I can even predict what you’re going to tell me!”
The man in white replied, his voice baritone. “Can you now?”
“Course I can! I was practically born to analyze situations and provide responses based on that information!” The cop said proudly. “You were about to say ‘Great job, Lieutenant! You’ve handled this situation perfectly! You catered to my every desire, and your men no doubt possess an equally adept understanding of the female psyche! She's in the bag!'"
The polar bear mask tilted towards his cohorts. The man in brown heads toward the hotel entrance without affair. The smoke monster bounced on the ground a couple times before soaring into the air, towards the roof.
The polar bear stared down at the lieutenant.
“That’s not what you were gonna say? Then… you’re gonna give me a promotion! Because... I’ve been a good lieutenant!”
The polar bear walked up beside the lieutenant and casually placed a hand on his shoulder. “And what do you predict will happen now?”
The lieutenant paused and his grin slowly turned into a frown.
“Oh. Oh shit. You’re going to kill me! To demonstrate how uncaring and evil you are!”
The polar bear walked past, heading towards the alleyway, leaving the flustered lieutenant staring after him.
“I think we can seduce one little girl!” The lieutenant yelled. “I sent two absolute units! They're going down on her now!”
“No lieutenant, your men are already disgusted.”
​
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Memory transcription subject: Sergeant Marlim, Extermination Officer of the Krakotl Colony: Valanar.
Date [Standardized Human Time]: September 8th, 2131
I slowly stand up, pain flashing through my skull as I grip at my head. My fuel tank on my back protected me from the falling debris... falling... debris... "Fuck." The first words to leave my beak since I abandoned my post, the Arxur raid, the failing defenses. The raid was upon us and we were losing badly, most of us didn’t even have times to get to the bunkers or shelters, let alone set up our defense plans. A surprise attack that cost my fellow exterminators their lives, and they were left behind where they had fallen. At some point I left the officially established objective, now my only goal was to save my family.
I let go of my head and look around, seeing only debris which had fallen around me from a building that had collapsed. The fuel tank really must have protected me from being crushed, and it was still sealed. A sigh of relief escapes my beak, filtered through to speakers in my respiration mask. I pick up the nozzle, gripping it as I slowly begin to trail my way through the ruins, was I out for long? Things had seemingly gotten quiet, where were the screams? Where was the gunfire? All I could hear was in the distance.
I trudge forth, avoiding any streets; anytime I came near one, I could see the bodies. My respiration mask filters out the smell of blood and death, but not the purple splashes across the street where the bodies were gone now. The grays must have moved past this area, a blessing hopefully, one that would work in my favor as I picked up my speed.
I needed to get home, I needed to protect my son, I needed to rescue my son. I knew the layout of this city pretty well after being an Exterminator in it for two years of my life. However, I rounded a corner into a lone gray ripping apart a body with its claws and teeth, swallowing what it could. I had made the wrong turn. Fear causes my feathers beneath the flame-resistant suit to fluff up as best they could, only making things more uncomfortable in the long run. A problem for future-me to deal with.
I could go around, but the thing's senses would pick me up. How it hadn't yet I don't know, too engaged in feeding? There was so much blood, and so many ripped-apart corpses, how many of my kind had the damn predator eaten? Were there other nearby predators who had their fill?
Despite the panicking thoughts in my head, another part of me responded, pulling up the nozzle and pressing down on the valve trigger as a spray of fuel shot out and down the side street. The gray was 100 feet away, I had time. Even as the gray roars out at the ruined meal of my fallen kind, it stands up and holds a claw in front of its snarling monstrous face to prevent me from spraying it directly in the eyes with the fuel. The predator starts running forth, heading to the weapon left behind at the first body gray's had torn apart.
I wait, letting it get closer as more fuel leaks and coats the side street, soaking the fallen and the predator down to the scales. Then just as the gray scrambles for its weapon, I pull up my pistol, a heavily-modified standard-issued plasma pistol. I had the advantage, all I needed as it aimed down at me. My pistol already aimed fully at my target, I fire.
Bright hot plasma shoots out, hitting the predator. The heated shot ignites the fuel as the monster screams and roars, in pain. He flails, trying to put out the flames, but the spreading flames of the spread-out fuel just ignite the whole side street in flames. I let my plasma pistol lower, watching as the Arxur collapses to his knees in the flames.
My first kill and it felt... Awful. The smoldering flames, the crackles of the flames as the Arxur's cries quieted… they were quiet enough now to be silenced by the roaring flames. Even through the respirator, I could smell the scent of burning flesh and feathers... My stomach turned. I was broken out of my inner guilt by the loud sound of steps heading toward me. Even if they could be fellow Exterminators, I can't take the chances. I head into what was a store, now slowly catching fire. I hear gunfire erupt around me as I dive down behind shelves of products, bullets tearing out around me as I shelter in place.
Growls and barks of sharp orders are given as I head toward the back. How I wasn't hit, I don't know. Maybe the smoke and flames were good concealments, or maybe I can thank whichever god decided to look out for me. The gunfire stops as I reach the backdoor, racing through it and into the storerooms to head out the back. Then I stop, a lesson ringing in my head: "Predator deception."
If I was a predator, I would be letting them come to me. My steps are slow as I look at the back door. It’s already been opened as if it was opened for me. I do not stop, still taking caution as I take off the fuel tank. I grab it by the handle before I head to the door. I holster my pistol and with both my talons gripping the fuel tank, I chuck it outside through the door as best as I could.
Gunfire rings out as I fall back, just one bullet could end me here and now, and I won't be risking it. I head back into the store room, now free of the fuel tank. I start to rip myself and my wings free of the flame-resistance suit. I grab onto a shelf, quickly clambering up the wooden stock shelves of the store room before I hunker down on the topmost shelf. Once again, I coolly pull up my plasma pistol, aim, and fire.
I knew the Arxur would be coming inside for me, but the hunters had become the hunted. The gunfire had stopped and as soon as my plasma shot through the door it nails the dropped fuel tank, rupturing it with the mark of glowing metal. Barely a second later it detonates, and I bring my head down onto the shelf itself as cries and roars of pain combined with the sound of metallic bits impacting wood and wall tell of my success. I holster my pistol as I spread out my wings and give a couple of strong pushes to slow my descent as I feel myself reach a decision.
I am going to press my advantage. I turn and the talons on my leg scratch the ground as I rush out through the partially exploded doorway. I run through, a roar, a growl, the Arxur too wounded to get back up as I rush past them and around a corner.
I keep running until I am sure I’ve evaded them before I extend my wings out and take off with a couple of strong pushes. I keep low, between buildings. It’s dangerous but provides cover, and by flying I will reach my home in no time.
As I reach my street, it’s obvious the Arxur has been through here. Bodies, blood, and homes were broken into. Silence. I make my way to the door of my home, swooping upwards onto the elevated walkway that connects to the platform that my raised home is built upon. The door is wide open, giving me pause. I unholster my pistol as I lean in and listen. I hear the sharp cracking of bones and tearing of flesh: another Arxur. A pit forms in my stomach. I knew my mate is likely dead but my objective-focused mind keeps me from straying too far from the path. I have to save my son if he is still here. I look around the walkway, only finding a fallen Incineration Exterminator a couple of feet away. My tool cabinet is open right next to my front door. I look past the walkway as I leap off of it and extend my wings forth.
I catch onto a window frame and carefully use my talons, gripping anything I can to climb around my raised home far above the ground. I slowly make my way around the corner of the house, looking through the window to find my mate dead. However, the door to the room of my unhatched son is still closed. A feeling of hope and love rises into my chest as I continue onward, heading to the next corner. With a little jump onto the rain channeler, I manage to get around the corner and to my son’s hatchery. Opening the window, I make my way inside the hatchery.
The incubation unit is on, humming, and warm. The egg inside is a healthy blue color, with no cracks and no evidence of tampering. I check over for any traps just in case, I knew the Arxur were brutally cunning. With myself satisfied I took the mobile incubator, which closely resembles a backpack for a good reason, and unplug it as I turn it on, I gently remove my unhatched son, lowering him into the mobile incubator before I seal it and strap the bag to my back. The humidity won’t be ideal but it's a temporary solution. I head to the window, slowly climbing out before I drop, unfurling my wings as I fly upwards.
My thoughts turn to my mate, she and I were not in a loving relationship, hell it was my father’s idea… However, at the end of the day, the Arxur in there had killed her and in all likelihood would have eaten my son. Anger rises and burns in my chest as I slowly turn back. I glide down to the walkway as I couldn't help but think, my son was now deprived of the one thing my mate and I cared about, we might have been arranged, but she was so excited to raise him. Now she won’t get that and a part of me can’t help but feel anger, hatred, a burning hatred. I knew what had to be done.
I close my door, gently, and quietly, I would roll the tool cabinet in front of it before I engage its breaks, I then head to the fallen exterminator, picking up the fuel tanks and the nozzle as I start to spray down the front of my home, before shoving the nozzle as best as I could through a shattered window and empty the fuel tanks into this grave. I hear the Arxur getting up, investigating the smell of fuel and with a couple of flaps back to the walkway, I turn.
I’m aiming my plasma pistol by the time I land and as soon as I do, I send a couple of shots into my home the fuel-soaked building ignites, fire spreading quickly as the fucking monster within tries to force his way out through the front, the front had quickly became enveloped in flames and anyway else out would be just a drop hundreds of feet below.
The drop is what the Arxur takes, burning, on fire, the shattering of the window is all that alerts me to it as he falls, disappearing through the smoke that covers the ground beneath my neighborhood.
I feel nothing.
I feel nothing as I take off, heading somewhere else.
I feel nothing when I reach a nearby bunker broken open.
I feel nothing when the raid reaches an end and the rescue fleet shows up.
I feel nothing when I leave.
I feel nothing when my father congratulates me, a hollow thanks anyways.
I feel nothing as I sit on the ship to Nishtal.
I feel something when, within the incubator, I can hear chirps, and the egg starts to gently rock back and forth.
I feel love and hope again.