Happy tuesday funny

Never thought I would prefer to be ghosted lol. Before this I was obviously not happy. 500 apps deep with only 4 first round interviews, and I’m only getting interviews for the ones I’m grossly UNDERqualified for, so I end up not being able to compete. But then the insane high of the first email made the crash of the second email 1000% worse.
Funny thing is I am in the TA/HR space, and when mistakes like this are made you generally do the interview still as a curtesy. I guess I am glad that I am not wasting my time, but it’s extra frustrating that this is happening on a role in which I am overly qualified for to begin with.
Thanks for letting me rant, my people.

Happy Thursday! If you weren’t able to listen to the live podcast we had on Tuesday at 8PM UTC here is the recording! Leave any questions in the comments! BlockStar Podcast Update

Not sure what’s going on in my subconscious, but lately (almost every night) I’ve been having dreams that I’m married to someone else. It’s always someone that I haven’t seen in over 20 years, but who I had strong feelings for back in high school. They’re very emotional dreams and I wake up feeling extremely drained / sad. It takes hours before I feel normal.
Does anyone else experience these?
Not sure if it’s relevant but I’m in a happy, stable marriage of 7 years with an amazing woman that I love very with all my heart, and we’ll be welcoming our third child on Tuesday. We have been going through a lot of stress lately, but we’re very close and have a strong bond. As far as the women in my dreams they’re people I haven’t even seen or thought about in years.

Ok so I can’t clearly do math (or just proof of my mental state lol) but today is 2m since I found everything out. I’ve never shared my story, but I want to because maybe it’ll help put things into perspective.
This is long…
Shortly after the birth of my second, I left the father of my children. We were together for almost 8 years - most of which he was in active addiction (crack/heroine/pills etc). It was a trauma bond for sure, but SOMETHING after the birth of my son clicked. At 30 years old, I moved back home with my kids to my moms. No job. No money, literally nothing. I got help. I sought therapy. I started school and got a job. I focused on myself and my babies. I was happy. So happy with how my life was.. then came R (we’ll call him that).
I knew. I knew from the moment we started talking I wanted to spend forever with him. Sounds corny, but you just know (or so I thought).
Our relationship moved fast. I remember thinking, rather being on the fence about letting him move in with me, but I ignored the red flags in the back of my head and went forward with it.
About 4m into our relationship we found out we were pregnant. In December, he proposed.
I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t fully emotionally present during the pregnancy. My hormones were crazy (who’s aren’t), and I just was struggling.
Our daughter was born, and things seemed to go back to normal. I loved watching him “become” a dad. I loved the bond he had built with the oldest 2.
Fast forward to now. On April 8, before a friends birthday party, something in my gut told me to look at his phone. Before this I never had, I TRUSTED him. Fully, unconditionally trusted him.
I was blindsided. I sent his Snapchat data to my email. Didn’t say a word, and on the way to the party he told me “we need to talk.” YAH WE DO.
I was numb. I don’t remember much the following days, let alone how the kids survived.
The entirety of our relationship was built on deceit. From the very beginning. Porn. Cam girls. Thinking woman are “sugar mamas” sending them money. I mean it’s so many layers of lies I just can’t explain the severity. It’s gross.
The EA started in February of 2021. The funny part is she was pregnant too, ended up delivering 2 days before me.. but anyways. The emotional affair started then. I delivered our daughter. When she was 4ish months old it became physical. He swears it was only once but. Idfc. I don’t believe him and I don’t wanna know.
March of this year we had just gotten back from a family vacation. The week we’re home, he left us sleeping in the middle of the night, to go have sex with a girl who works a different shift than him.
My proudest (or not) moment was driving to her house (because this dumb mf saved their address’ in Snapchat) and while I was pulling up, her friend was pulling up to get her. I waited. Then asked if she was screwing my fiancé. SHE PRETENDED NOT TO SPEAK ENGLISH. Joke was on her because I’m bilingual. I made it clear I knew where she lived, what she had done, and she was lucky the youngest was asleep in my car 🫠.
Through this all I have stayed calm. I haven’t yelled, called names, degraded or belittled.
In the immediate aftermath, he was a mess. A mess because he got caught? A mess because he had to end his affair? A mess because he’s genuinely sorry? Who knows. He cut all contact. Told his family what he did. Told his best friend and his wife. And told HR and his boss, which let to him being let go from his position.
He has been doing everything right. I praise him for that. He cut off contact. Open phone policy. Deleted all forms of social media, Life360 on phone and he is trying. He constantly tells me my feelings come first, I need to heal. “His don’t matter,” but see I am too empathetic and feel like I NEED that emotional vulnerability from him, and while he says he’s giving it, I can’t help but feel like he’s not. He’s present.
This brings us to now.
Last night, well the entirety of this week has been hell. Today I’m trying to celebrate the “new” us instead of dwelling on the past, and tomorrow is our sweet girls first birthday… I just can’t help but not be mentally ok though. We were awake until almost 2:30am. Him blame shifting. Him getting defensive. Him yelling and talking down to me. He knows my past. He knows that literally my entire life I was abused, and when talked to in that way I shut down. He contradicts what he says “I understand repeating questions and feelings because u need to get it out,” but then when I asked why in the beginning of it all he was PROTECTING the Whore, he got defensive. Said he’s not. That’s why he’s mad 🙄…. Ok, sir. You have guilty written in red all over u, gtfo.
Im at the point where I need to accept being ok without him. I feel like that’s the only way for me to cope with this. Yah, we decided on R, but nothing better than “surface level” is getting better. I can’t help but feel like SOMETHING is missing.
I’ve mentally given myself 6m, which will be October? Maybe idk I can’t think right now… and I just don’t have the heart to tell him that. I have been in therapy. I have been consistently doing the work on myself. HE says he’s going to go on his off day and make the effort to find a therapist (ok not holding your hand through that but I’ll believe it when it happens). His actions aren’t matching his words. How does he feel he has any right being angry towards me, when I have not once raised my voice, threatened or belittled him?
I feel like he’s stuck in that high school mentality… but ffs I’m 33 years old with 3 kids under 5. like I don’t have time for the “tit for tat” bs.
I am overwhelmed. Emotionally drained. Mentally exhausted.
I don’t know what to do. I know only I can make that decision but it is a really crappy place to mentally be right now 😞

​
Hi all,
​
How can I help self, since I was 18 and now I'm 34, I have problems with work. I hate working, I hate any form of work, I hate it from the bottom of my soul, I despise it, it's disgusting to me. At the age of 18, when I found my first job, before I had to go to the morning shift in the morning, I had aggressive attacks of beating around the house with my hands and feet, and I said at the top of my voice that " I didn't want to go to work" Of course, with all this madness, I managed to go to work, and from the age of 18-34 I was unemployed for only 4 years. I was ok with some jobs, but most of them, like working on hard physical jobs, disgusted me. I have now found a new job, and I should start working tomorrow, but the very thought that I have to go to work tomorrow makes me RAGE, that I would fall all over the house.......and I haven't worked for 2 years, maybe I'm lazy., and it's nice to do nothing, you have to be honest and admit it to yourself and say...YES I DON'T LIKE WORKING, I DON'T LIKE ANY WORK OBLIGATIONS. To be clear, I like to help someone, etc. But going to work to sign a contract and be a slave of a company NO. NO WAY It's a waste of my precious time, it's better to spend those 8 hours at work, I'd rather go to the city for coffee with friends, have fun, go to the cinema, watch a movie, have a good time, because NOBODY BUT NOBODY CAN PAY for that feeling, that FREEDOM, that's all
​
and when I'm working I can't relax......most workers are happy about the weekend off? Thats a funny hahahaha
I'll have to go to work again, and that's driving me crazy over the weekend....I can't relax over the weekend. The only way I can relax is when I take an annual vacation of 3 weeks.....the first 2 weeks are great for me...and when I enter the third week of the annual vacation, I'm already sick, because it's my last week of vacation. Although I was looking for a job from home, because I'm very good at computers, that would suit me the most, but I didn't get the opportunity because I don't have an IT degree.
​
Can you help me with advice? I know that this is not normal, and that you can't do without work, something has to be done, but it makes me tired, it exhausts me.

and I didn’t even realize it at the time. He sent me a text saying “so I was just watching porn and I’m losing it because there’s a guy in it who looks exactly like me.” and then he sent me a screenshot of a man who truly looked just like him getting fucked doggy-style by another man.
I just replied “that’s awesome haha.” It cracked me up how much the guy looked like him, and I only thought briefly to myself “oh I guess he’s gay now” but I’m pretty sure he expected me to acknowledge his homosexuality and maybe show some gesture of acceptance, which I would’ve been happy to do. But it really didn’t occur to me that this was probably his way of testing the waters for reception before coming out.
Anyway he’s still in the closet and I’m afraid I might be the reason why. Or maybe he didn’t expect me to be like “oh wow you’re gay congrats” at all and I’m overthinking it. Just thought this was funny and wanted to share.

Ladies and gentlemen of Morefolk, you all must be terribly confused. I've sent this message to your emails and your phones, which took quite a lot of time, so please listen to me. As you're all well aware, there have been a series of murders in this town of ours. Murders that have, up to this point, had their details kept private. For the "sake of investigation", as our police department puts it, the specifics of these crimes have been kept under wraps. Bullshit. All of it. It's all a load of bullshit. Our police aren't keeping this information secret for the security of the investigation. They're doing it out of cowardice.
Isn't it strange that, even in a small town like this where everyone is connected, nobody seems to know anything about the recent deaths? Ellie... Sasha... Claire... Jackie... all taken away from us. Yet, nobody has anything to say? Do you seriously believe that the husbands of the pregnant women that were slaughtered are keeping quiet because they're too "traumatized"? Or, perhaps they keep quiet due to some kind of nondisclosure agreement they have with the police, right? Wrong... all wrong. The police have BRIBED and BULLIED the husbands of the victims into silence.
It's come to my attention through my own investigation that this goes deeper than just the police force. They're being ordered around by an agency that remains unnamed even within the files I've managed to crack. All this is to say, this situation is much more than it seems on the surface. After finding what I've dug up, it's obvious to me why they're trying to keep the husbands quiet. You know what? Fuck that. I never trusted these damn cops. I knew something suspicious was going on. You all have a right to know the truth. Below is a leak of a transcript containing some very... interesting information. The police force is going to lie to you, they'll tell you that what I am about to expose is purely fabricated. They're cowards, all of them. I dare you to look into their eyes as they lie to your face, and tell yourself that you trust them. With that being said, allow me to grant you the real truth.
(Start of Transcript)
Detective Casper: "Alright, the date is February 17th, it's 8:45 AM. My name is detective Casper. Everything from here on out is on the record. Mister Middleton, I appreciate your willingness to speak about what happened last night. Typically we wouldn't... handle things this way. We'd have you cleared psychologically first, and this session wouldn't occur for a while longer. Unfortunately, this isn't a conventional situation. I hope you understand.”
Middleton: "Yeah... I do"
Detective Casper: "That being said... your voice is shaky, and your eyes are still red. Are you okay? Can you do this right now?"
Middleton: "Do I look okay to you? I'll be "okay" when that crazy bitch gets executed. You hear me?"
Detective Casper: "I hear you, and I promise you, the more help you give us, the closer we'll get to delivering justice. You're doing a brave thing here today, I hope you know that."
Middleton: "I'm not fucking brave. I couldn't do anything to stop that... that goddamn monster. I'm not brave. I'm angry. I just want that thing dead."
Detective Casper: "I know... I would too, trust me. You keep referring to the suspect in rather inhuman terms. Why is that? Was the suspect wearing a mask or some other form of concealing clothing that made them appear less human?"
Middleton: "You... you aren't going to believe me... I just know that thing couldn't have been human... it couldn't have been... it looked human but it just wasn't."
Detective Casper: "I apologize, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let's not focus on that right now. Let's start from the very beginning. Typically, criminals of this sort tend to "stalk" and "survey" the homes of their victims. They spend time figuring out the schedules and patterns of behavior of their victims. Did you notice anything strange before this tragedy happened? Maybe a car suspiciously driving past your house repeatedly? Perhaps someone consistently looking at your property? Anything at all?"
Middleton: "No, never. Everything seemed so... so normal. I swear, I didn't see anything like that."
Detective Casper: "I understand. Thank you. I would also like to mention, if at any time you require something to drink or eat during this interview, please tell me. We will be happy to accommodate you."
Middleton: "I'm okay, thanks. If... if I put anything into my stomach, I'm afraid I'll just vomit again. My throat already hurts enough as is..."
Detective Casper: "Understood. Once again, you're being very brave, please stay strong, for your wife."
Middleton: "Please... call her Jackie..."
Detective Casper: "Sure. Do it for Jackie, okay?"
Middleton: "Yeah... for Jackie...."
Detective Casper: "Alright, thank you, Mr. Middleton. Now, going forward, I'm going to ask you to describe the events that happened last night. If at any point in time you feel uncomfortable, we can take a break. Do you understand?"
Middleton: "I understand, I do...."
Detective Casper: "Very well, let's proceed. According to your call with dispatch, the events unfolded at or around 1:13 AM. Is this correct?"
Middleton: "That's correct."
Detective Casper: "Right, now then, could you explain what exactly happened that night? I will ask you to be concise, but I will refrain from interrupting you. I'm all ears, okay?"
Middleton: "Alright... well, Jackie and I were in bed, asleep. I remember waking up to the sound of thumping. I couldn't exactly place it, but I soon realized it was coming from underneath the bed. Jackie woke up right after that. I got out of bed and... I looked at the floor. There was a fucking hand... just, sticking out from under the bed. It was a woman's hand. This whole time, the thumping from under the bed just continued and continued..."
Detective Casper: Was there anything on the hand? Any jewelry, any identifying scarring or tattoo?"
Middleton: "No... nothing like that. It was just a pale hand. Jackie couldn't see it at the time, but she was already really freaked out by the bumping. I shouted at the person under the bed, I told them to come out. I heard a lot of shifting around, and the bumping immediately stopped. The hand stretched forward and clawed at the floor like it was dragging the rest of the body forward with it. I... oh Jesus..."
Detective Casper: "Are you alright?"
Middleton: "I can keep going... please. I can do this."
Detective Casper: "Very well, please continue."
Middleton: "It took a while for that... that thing to come all the way out. It... it looked like a nude woman, but it just... it was so off. It couldn't have been human. There's just no way."
Detective Casper: "How do you mean? What made it appear so inhuman to you?"
Middleton: "There was... a long, stitched-up gash on her abdomen. Her eyes were so cloudy and grey... and it looked like tears were leaking out of them. She was nearly bald, her head only had a few short hairs sticking out of it. Oh God, the smell... she smelled like utter shit... and the way she moved. She didn't stand up at first. She just laid on the floor and looked up at me... You have to believe me. That thing was not a human. It was something else... I'm not crazy. I swear on my life I'm telling the truth."
Detective Casper: "I believe you, I do. You're a great help to us right now. Here, take some tissues. It's okay. You're doing great. Take your time, alright?"
Middleton: "Thank you... I uhm.. I appreciate it. Please continue to believe me... What I'm about to say doesn't sound real, but, but... but it is. I promise it is."
Detective Casper: "I'm here for you. It's okay. Every detail matters."
Middleton: "Okay... Okay... She uh, she opened her lips while staring at me. She didn't move her mouth or... or move her lips or tongue. But she made this, just... this awful noise. It sounded like an infant crying. Just... that sound coming out from her lips, it isn't natural. It isn't human. The crying sounded... like if you took a recording of an infant crying and you looped it over and over again. It was the most horrific shit I've ever heard."
Detective Casper: "She didn't even move her mouth? You said it sounded as if the crying were coming from a recording. Did you happen to notice any audio-playing devices on her person?"
Middleton: "No... she was completely naked, she couldn't have hidden one anywhere. That... that sound... it was coming from her.."
Detective Casper: "I understand. Please, continue, if possible. What happened after that?"
Middleton: "I just... froze. I couldn't move a muscle. It was like I was having a sleep paralysis episode. My body was stiff as a rock, and she stood up and faced Jackie. Jackie must've been so scared... she couldn't move either. She just laid in bed, with a look of horror on her face... Oh God... I should've done something, but I just... I couldn't. I felt completely numb."
Detective Casper: "It's understandable, oftentimes we freeze up in horrifying moments. It isn't your fault."
Middleton: I know, but... this was different... This wasn't just me freezing up in fear, it was like... it was like nothing I've ever felt before. She, uh, she was standing next to Jackie, and... I... I think I'm gonna be sick. Please, can I just... take a break? Please?
Detective Casper: "Of course. We'll take a fifteen-minute recess. You're doing a fantastic job, you deserve a break."
(15 Minutes Pass)
Detective Casper: "Alright, we are now back in session. Mister Middleton, are you comfortable resuming where we left off?"
Middleton: "Yeah... I am. I still feel sick, but I have to do this. I do. That monster stood next to Jackie and... it just... it tore into her. It just dug its horrible fingers into her stomach and began ripping and clawing and just... it was so awful. There was so much screaming and so much blood... oh my God. Jackie... Our poor baby... he was supposed to be our baby... he was supposed to be alive. He was supposed to be named Jack. He was supposed to be alive and be our baby. And that fucking monster just... took him from us. It clawed its way inside and ripped Jackie open and tore out our child..."
Detective Casper: "Please, Mister Middleton, I know you must be hurting. Please, stay focused, or you'll upset yourself further. What did the suspect do with the child?"
Middleton: "She... She... she tore into her own abdomen... she tore her stitches apart and opened her own abdomen... her own womb... and she forced our baby inside of her... she fucking... she fucking... oh dear God..."
Detective Casper: "Mister Middleton, our forensics crew didn't recover any DNA that might belong to the suspect as of yet. From the sound of it, she should have bled quite profusely inside of the room, based on your description. Wouldn't you think so?"
Middleton: "I told you, she's not fucking human. She didn't even bleed. It was like... just an empty cavity in her abdomen. And she stuffed our baby in there... my wife is dead, my unborn baby is dead... you think a human could have done something like this?"
Detective Casper: "I think you're understandably upset by this event. I think that some details might be exaggerated or misunderstood in your head."
Middleton: "You don't... you don't believe me, do you?"
Detective Casper: "Look... we are taking everything into account. We are truly trying to bring justice for you, Jackie, and Jack. We really are. We are going to consider your account going forward in our investigation. Your help is appreciated, Mister Middleton."
Middleton: "Fine... believe me or don't. But mark my words. When you find the fucker that's responsible for this, you'll see that it's only a vicious creature. Don't try to reason with it. Don't try to arrest it. Put a bullet in its fucking skull? You understand me?"
Detective Casper: "Noted. Do you have anything more you would like to add to the record?"
Middleton: "Just... just kill it..."
Detective Casper: “Alright, this marks the end of the recording at 9:27 AM”
(End of Transcript)
Funny how the "official record" is still being kept secret, huh? These bastards know what they're doing. Every single interview with the husbands has consistent themes. No signs of forced entry into the home. Knocking under the bed. The man is unable to move. The descriptions of the woman and the sounds she makes. What she does to the poor mother and child... it's all consistent. Something horrible is happening in this town. The police, and whatever agency is contacting them, are suppressing this information. I am going to blow this whole thing wide open. I am going to find out what's going on, for the sake of our town.
Know that this is not the final leak I will spread. Know that I am urging each of you to embrace the truth. Know that I am calling on each husband they tried to threaten and bribe into silence to speak out. You all have a right to safety and transparency. This cannot continue, for the sake of our friends and family. Morefolk is a place of dignity, there's no room for gruesome murder and government corruption here. This will not be the last you hear of me.
Signing off for now,
-J

I've been a fat lump of shit for a long, long time and I've finally had it. I can't continue to exist like this. I hate the way I look and how I am perceived by others. I'm tired of being reached out to only when others need to get some work done. I've been a nerd all my life and now I wanna be social and happy. I wanna be able to do pushups for once. I want friends. I hate the feeling I get whenever I zone out around people at college and notice that I'm invisible to them. I wanna learn how to be social and funny. I can't constantly stay silent and bear all of this shit. I'm done. This is not gonna be easy but I will try until I succeed. I'll have a friend group within a year and work on my physical capabilities. This is a post about me, for me. Wish me luck reddit.

A recent post on anxiety got me wondering about this...
This may sound soap-boxy, but the point is to offer hope and encouragement to others feeling burdened by negative emotional states in their lives.
There's a lot of talk about anxiety out there, but never in my whole life had I understood what people meant by anxiety. There is fear, of course. But any time people talked about anxiety it sounded to me like they were talking about fear. So I've always wondered what anxiety is and never experienced it.
So I had to break down and actually look up the definition of anxiety. There isn't a good one! Here's the distinction I seem to find:
"Fear" they say is response to a known, external threat. "Anxiety" is a response to an POSSIBLE threat imagined in the mind.
This is a completely stupid definition. That "anxiety" response IS the fear response, but it's just brought on by THINKING (as opposed to an external threat). The emotional/feeling responses are exactly the same responses (although the former will always be more intense).
To talk about them as if they were different emotions is to sabotage clear and simple solutions to problems. The cure for anxiety is perfectly straightforward, if not exactly easy: just stop thinking! Being afraid of what MIGHT be is totally a waste of time and energy. Save it for when bad things actually DO happen.
When I feel nervous about something that MIGHT happen, I know that's just unnecessary fear triggered by a thought pattern. It's not "anxiety" as if anxiety were some kind of medical condition. Just recognize the fear (symptom) AND the thought train (cause). Don't encourage the thought train and it will evaporate on it's own like any thought; this is basic mindfulness. The fear response will fade in short order after the thoughts recede. The thoughts CAUSE the fear, so don't encourage them. If they arise (and bring on fear) so be it. Just recognize the situation for what it is, and just sit and let it be. Watch the thoughts without encouraging or discouraging; they will fade away. They MUST. This is how the mind works.
Further there is a lot of talk in health science writing about other responses as if they were fundamental to our emotional lives; but they are not fundamental at all! The big ones:
DISGUST - This is a learned response. We are taught what to find disgusting as we grow up and we imitate the disgust response of others while learning. Eventually it internalizes, but it's not-at-all fundamental. You can unlearn ANY disgust response if you want to. All disgust is is an emotional response to THOUGHTS ABOUT something unpleasant. There can be NO disgust response without thinking. Granted we become SO habituated that the thoughts can be automatic. But, like "anxiety," learn to stop thinking and you will stop finding things "disgusting" as well. They will be merely unpleasant; and there's nothing wrong with experiencing anything that's merely unpleasant. Unless you THINK there is :) THINKING is the source of all these kinds of problems; and breaking the habit of automatic thinking is the cure.
PRIDE/GUILT/SHAME - None of these are fundamental; and life improves drastically when one jettisons them from their life. ALL require thinking.
Pride doesn't even make sense... If one realizes the facts that 1.) everything comes down to luck (including the luck of being the kind of person that's hard working and highly skilled), 2.) there is no enduring self, and 3.) the will is NOT free, then "taking pride" in anything is completely nonsensical. If someone you love does a good job, of course be happy for them and appreciate them and their work! But pride? What is there to be proud of? Ever?
People seem to confuse pride with appreciation and they are as different as can be. Appreciation is always positive, and pride is always a detriment. Suzuki-roshi said "Pride is 'something extra' that should be eliminated from whatever work you do." Just do your work.
Guilt/shame, like feaanxiety, are a false distinction. The emotional response is exactly the same. The distinction comes from what circumstances brings on the emotional state; but the important thing is the emotional state is the same and can be completely eliminated. One can only feel guilt or shame if one thinks one "should" have done something differently. But that "should" is totally optional thinking!
The health writers say "guilt" comes from when we recognize we have harmed others. But why would we intentionally harm anyone? If you *inadvertently* harmed someone, it's natural to feel bad and to want to take corrective action. So take such action! There is no problem here. If you didn't intend harm, then there's nothing to feel guilty over, even if the other person is deeply hurt or offended. Do what you can, learn your lessons, and move on. If the other person can't let it go (and there are many people like that), then leave them behind.
Shame is even more unnecessary and can be eliminated from life pretty easily. Shame is the self-evaluation that you aren't "good enough" in regards to something or other. But that "good enough" is just an opinion! Someone else gave you that conceptual yardstick with which to measure yourself. Some yardsticks are worthwhile, but most are not. Judgment (like any conceptual thinking) is not fundamental to life, even if it is necessary at times. Just always do you best. If that ends up not being good enough, there's no reason to be ashamed. Just change strategies, increase proficiency through practice, or drop the matter altogether and move on to something else. Shame need have no place in our lives.
EMBARRASSMENT - Another learned (i.e. not fundamental) response that is completely unnecessary. Like Guilt/shame embarrassment requires thinking; and specifically thinking about what OTHERS think about you. As mindfulness deepens, eliminating unnecessary thinking can become almost an obsession. Thinking is "bad enough" (again unavoidable at times), but thinking about *what other people are thinking* is about as unnecessary of thinking as there can be! Chances are 95% of what they're thinking is already unnecessary!
Yes, thinking about what others are thinking is unavoidable (and highly useful) at times. But when it is NOT necessary, why engage in it? It actually takes effort and energy to think! With mindfulness practice over time you can break the automatic thinking habits. When you cultivate a quiet mind, it becomes clear how much effort it takes to think; so being a lazy person can be a boon!
If I do or say something in company that others find amusing or ridiculous; I'm almost always confused as to what people are laughing over. I usually have to put some effort into thinking about what they are thinking! When I do figure out what's going on, it's almost exactly like having a joke explained to you (which is not very funny and you probably won't laugh). By the time I figure out WHY others are laughing at me, the "boat has already sailed" as far as embarrassment goes. There is a simply bald, intellectual understanding follow by "...ah. Now I understand... So... what's for lunch?"
It's a disservice to people to discuss these things as if they were immutable responses, and deeply confusing to pretend there are important differences in named emotions where there are no real differences at all.
It's further a disservice to treat them as (mental) health issues when 97% of the time *there is merely unnecessary thinking occurring.*
Eliminate the unnecessary thinking and the problems all go away.

Events are listed by the day. Events that happen every week appear first, one time stuff after that. If you have anything you’d like people to know about, comment here or message me and I’ll add it in. If you’d like further info about any of the events, look it up! I usually don’t have any extra to add.
Large Scale, Ongoing, and Multi-Day Events

Local Running, Walking, and Biking Info: https://troubleafoot.blogspot.com/
OutdooFarmer’s Markets:

• Lake Ella Grower's Market: Wednesday and Saturday, 11am-2pm. You can always find organic vendors, and foragers: The Holistic Cannabis Community, Artzi Farms, Hickory Nut Gifts, and others. Including Pita Queen! Farmer's Market Nutrition Program Coupons gladly accepted!
  
• Frenchtown Heritage Market: 524 N MLK Jr Blvd. Saturdays, 10am to 2pm. Come grow community and support your local farmers and makers, while you get your groceries for the week! Don’t forget! We match SNAP/EBT, so you DOUBLE your money to go towards locally grown fresh fruits and vegetables! If the guy with the pineapple is there, get it.
  
• Tallahassee Farmers Market: 2904 Kerry Forest Pkwy, Saturdays, 8am to Noon. Come see us at Tallahassee's longest-running farmers market! We are a year-round market, featuring local farms and vendors that provide the best seasonal produce, meats, baked goods, and more. We welcome you and your whole family (leashed pets included) to come out and meet your local farmers! Ample parking is available between our lot and the shopping center lot next door (by Red Elephant). Come early for the best selection.
  
• Tallahassee Downtown Market: Ponce de Leon Park, Saturdays, 10am-2pm. Join us for a stroll in the park among local makers, bakers, artists and farmers as live music is played by local musicians!
  

THURSDAY, 6/8

• The Hub at Feather Oaks: Bingo. 6pm
  
• Dreamland BBQ: Weekly Open Blues Jam. If you'd like to sing, please bring your own mic. 6pm
  
• The Rose Room: Open Mic Night. 6pm
  
• The Great Games Library: Solforge Fusion Sealed-Deck Tournament. Anyone interested in SolForge: Fusion, please come out! Thursday nights at 6:00pm to 9:00pm ish will be dedicated to SolForge Fusion gameplay and weekly tournaments. If you play or have played MTG but would like to spend less, this is a great alternative CCG with inexpensive entry and minimal purchases to enjoy playing competitively. In-store and online tournaments may be played with the same decks purchased at any store. SolForge was created by the same designer for MTG, Netrunner, and Key Forge, Richard Garfield, and the designer for Ascension, Justine Gary. 6pm/$35 Entry Fee for 4 Sealed Half-decks, Special Art Playmat Prize for 1st Place
  
• Oyster City Brewing Co: Open Mic Night! Join us on Thursdays from 6:30-9:30 PM for Open Mic Night hosted by the incredible Mike Ingram of The Brown Goose! This is your chance to show off your skills! Whether you're a musician, poet, comedian, or have a hidden talent, we can't wait to see what you bring to the stage. 6:30pm
  
• World of Beer: Trivia Night. 7pm
  
• The Bar at La Casa: Tallahassee Thursday Comedy. 7pm
  
• Lake Tribe III: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Smitty's Taphouse: Trivia Lab Thursdays. Teams of 6 or fewer players can compete for $30 / $20 / $10 Prizes + The Golden MacGuffin prize table! New format! Interactive smartphone answering for your comfort and safety! 6 Fun Rounds - 42 Total Questions. 7:30pm
  
• Cap City Video Lounge: Gamera: MST3K. Join us Thursday as we climb aboard The Satellite of Love along with Joel, Tom Servo and CROOOOW as the Gang riffs the 1965 kiju classic, GAMERA, who will devastate every city in Japan but maintains that he is a friend to all children...despite leaving them homeless and killing their parents. 8pm/free but donations encouraged
  
• Fire Bettys: Electronic Thursdays. There will be rotating music genres from local artists! 8pm/free/21+
  
• Poor Pauls: Trivia. 8/21+
  
• 926: Karaoke. 9pm
  
• La Casa: Comedy Night! 9pm
  
• Fire Bettys: Electronic Show. Join us for Experiment 002 and take a mind-bending trip into the sound of the future! Our electrifying music party will transport you to another dimension with cutting-edge beats and non-stop excitement. 9pm
  
• Bird’s: Karaoke with Nathan. 9pm
  

• Blue Tavern: Free Jazz Five Buck Thursday (and Jam Session) with the Longineu Parsons Trio. Expect the unexpected when the supertrio of Longineu Parsons, Brian Hall, and Michael Bakan hold court for Blue Tavern's exciting new Free Jazz Five Buck Thursday series (FJFBT). From Louis Armstrong classics to meditative musical dreamscapes, hard-driving funk grooves to wild Balkan beats, and free jazz adventures to the deepest downhome blues, Parsons-Bakan-Hall do it all--and they do it like no one else, whether here in Tallahassee or anywhere else on the planet. Oh, and don't forget to bring your instrument and sit in during the final 10:00 set open jam (space permitting). 8pm/$5
  
• Retrofit Records: King Krule “Space Heavy” Album Listening Event. 8pm
  
• The Bark: Closet Goth with No Face and Good Real Estate. 8pm
  
• 926: Jameson Tank with Learning To Swim and The Sparrows. 8:30pm
  

FRIDAY, 6/9

• Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with Everett Young. 5pm
  
• Hobbit West: Friday Night Dart Tournament. Anyone can Enter! Sign ups at 7:30, Darts fly at 8:00/$10 entry fee
  
• Ouzts Too: Karaoke with DJ Nathan. Best karaoke DJ in town. 8pm
  
• The Bar at La Casa: Latin Night. 8pm
  
• Just One More: Karaoke with DJ Rah. 9pm-11pm/21+
  
• 926: The Hot Friday Night Party and Drag Show. 9pm/$5/18+
  

• Proof: The Allie Cats. 5pm
  
• Peppers: Saylor Dollar. 6pm
  
• The Red Shed: Walkers Crossing. 6pm
  
• The Hub at Feather Oaks: Ben Baggett. 6pm
  
• Lake Tribe: John Moore. 6:30pm
  
• The Wine House on Markey Street: Little Mercies. 7pm
  
• Ruby Diamond: Second Annual Screen Spectacular featuring original film scores from student films and arrangements of music from film, TV, and video games performed by the FSU Studio Orchestra. 7:30pm
  
• Fire Bettys: Jupiter Troupe + Soul Candy - Free Show! 8pm
  
• The Bark: BRAT! with support from Brass Wizard, Slug Crust, Nightfall Ends, and Subpotent. 8:30pm
  

SATURDAY, 6/10 It’s my birthday! Happy birthday to me.

• Brinkley Glen Park: Invasive Plant Removal. Join Master Gardener Volunteers at this weekly invasive plant removal event. This is a great way to learn to ID our invasive plant species and how to remove them. We recommend wearing long pants and sleeves, closed-toed shoes, gloves, a hat and mosquito spray. Bring gardening tools such as hand clippers, loppers, trowels, etc. if you have them. We are removing coral ardisia bushes and berries, nandina, tung trees, Tradescantia flumenensis, cat's claw vine, winged yam, Japanese climbing fern, skunkvine and more. Directions: The best way to get there is to take Meridian Rd to Waverly Rd, go to the next intersection and turn left onto Abbotsford Way, then turn left at the next road called Woodside Dr. At the stop sign turn left onto Lothian. Lothian ends in a cul-de-sac and there is a sign that says Brinkley Glen Park. 8:30am-11:30am
  
• The Rose Room: The Rose Revue. Performances by your favorite entertainers and special guests! Shows at 8pm, 10pm, & Midnight! A unique cast EACH show! 7pm
  
• Duke’s and Dottie’s: Line Dancing Plus Lessons. 7pm/21+
  
• Bird’s Oyster Shack: Laughterday Night Fever. This week: Five Year Anniversary Laughterday Night Fever! Join us every Saturday at Bird's Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack for a free comedy show! 8:30pm
  
• La Casa Bar: Karaoke With Nathan. 9pm-1am
  
• The Bark: Sickening Saturday Drag Show. 10:30/$10/18+
  

• Woodville Branch of the Leon County Public Library: 2nd Saturday: History Under the Sea. Florida’s long coastline and crystal blue waters make for excellent diving experiences! The wonders of the sea have called many people to explore the depths! Come learn about diving practices through the years. Kids will go on a ‘dive’ of their own and discover the wonders of Florida’s waters! 11am
  
• Adams Street: Adams St Flea. Browse our market full of locally hand-made items, art, and vintage finds, all set to the vibes of our house DJ on Adams St. Make an afternoon of your trip by visiting the restaurants and shops in the heart of our Capital City. Noon
  
• Blue Tavern: 2nd & 4th Saturday Old Time Jam. All players & lovers of old-time Appalachian music are welcome to join! 4pm
  
• The Hub at Feather Oaks: Zach Lambert. 5pm
  
• The Rose Room: Grand RE Opening (Now in RR Sq). Welcome to our Rose Room... Come see how much we bloomed! WE have so much to show you... The Rose Review will leave you begging for more... with 2 amazing shows @9 and 11 followed by our very own burlesque troop @midnight ... This is a themed night Pride month so come out and support these AMAZING performers and show so Love... 6pm/$10
  
• 926: Mason Pace, Cinema Stereo, Satin, Copyright Claim, and The Fetish. 7pm
  
• Blue Tavern: Pat Puckett. 8pm/$5
  
• House of Music: Selwyn Birchwood. 8pm
  
• Cap City Video Lounge: Pride Burlesque Show. Shaken Not Stirred Burlesque is back at your fav local theater Cap City Video Lounge! We have an amazing show planned for Pride month! We're here, we're queer, & we're gonna make you cheer! Enjoy our queer cuties, exquisite enbys, & bi-babes! You don't want to miss our Pride Burlesque Revue! Pride looks/outfits welcome & encouraged! Don't forget to tip your performers! 8pm/18+/masks required/$10 General Admission, $20 VIP Admission: Front row seating, $35 Celebration Special: Ticket & a personalized song from Shaken Not Stirred Burlesque!
  
• Fire Bettys: Live Band Karaoke. 8pm/free
  
• SoLook Tally (434 FAMU Way): Submersive Sounds Hip-Hop Showcase featuring Nu Skinny, Trem Sol, Ro-Thoro, Tokyo.Extraordinaire, Da Beast, and DJ Ryan Chargers. 9pm
  
• Common Ground Books: June CGB Movie Night: Paris is Burning. 9pm
  

SUNDAY, 6/11

• Bicycle House: Sunday Ride. Ride at 10:30 AM from Bicycle House. We will ride the Cascades trail to the St Marks trail and down to Wakulla station and return, about 31 miles. Ride speed is 12 to 14 mph, with periodic regroups. Vernon Bailey is the ride leader. Vernon is a new CCC member who’s been biking for 50 years enjoys riding with small groups and weekend touring. 10am
  
• Gamescape: Pokémon League. Come learn, play, and trade with the Pokémon Trading Card Game and the Pokémon video games! We LOVE seeing new players, so come learn how to play! We play both the Trading Card Game and the Video Game casually and competitively. The store offers lots of different seating arrangements to meet our group's needs, as well as food, drinks, and Pokémon products for purchase. We are also hold regular, officially sanctioned tournaments for Pokémon Trading Card Game and Video Game Competitions! 2-4pm
  
• Lake Tribe: Colby Scheib. 3pm
  
• House of Music: Songwriter Sunday. Songwriters of Tallahassee hosted by Rachel Hillman. Bring your original songs on Sunday - sign up is at 4:30. No Cover Songs please - this is an event celebrating original music. Accompanists and Bands Welcome - you must be able to set up within two minutes, so no crazy pedals or amp shenanigans. No Backing Tracks - Please find someone to play your song with you. 5pm
  
• The Plant: Open Jam. All instruments, all players welcome. 5pm-9pm
  
• House of Music: Perkins Street Pickers. 5pm
  
• Oyster City Brewing: Comedy Night. Come have some laughs with us on Sunday nights! If you are interested in participating in the show, reach out to [email protected] 7:30pm
  
• The Rose Room: Synful Sunday. 8pm
  

• Ology: Marauder’s Market. Noon
  
• Goodwood: Tomato Feastival 2023. Join us for our 2023 Tomato Feastival on Sunday, June 11 from 2-6 p.m. at Goodwood Museum & Gardens! Enjoy great food, live music, meeting our farmers, playing games, and of course, local tomatoes. 2pm
  
• The Hub at Feather Oaks: Dominic Milner. BK’s SnowKone Factory is also here from 1-4 pm that day with their great selection of snow cone flavors and Dippin' Dots ice cream. The ice cream of the future of yesteryear! 3pm
  

**MONDAY, 6/12

• Just One More: Bingo. 5pm-6:30pm
  
• World of Beer: Corn Hole Night. 6pm
  
• American Legion Hall: Cha Cha - Weekly Lessons. 6:15pm/$5
  
• Hangar 38: Bingo. 6:45pm
  
• Vino Beano: Tipsy Trivia. 7pm
  
• The Rose Room: Karaoke Night. 8pm
  

TUESDAY, 6/13

• Blue Tavern: Shanice Richards Happy Hour! 5pm
  
• World of Beer: Poker Night. 6pm
  
• The Rose Room: Drag Bingo and Open Stage Night ft. Britney T. Foxx! 6pm
  
• Oyster City Brewing Company: Tuesday Night Beer-go! 6pm
  
• The Rose Room: Queer Dinner and a Movie! 6pm
  
• Crafty Crab: BOOMIN' Karaoke. 7pm
  
• Gamescape: Hobby Night. Slay the grey together! Join your fellow gamers and turn your pile of grey miniatures into a battle ready army. Need some painting tips? Feel free to ask at hobby night. You can bring any miniature for any game to paint. 7pm
  
• Ology Midtown: Jazz Jam Sessions. 7pm
  
• Island Wings: Trivia. 7pm
  
• House of Music: Tuesday Trivia & Karaoke. 7pm
  
• Burrito Boarder: Karaoke with DJ Roldus. 8pm
  
• Blue Tavern: Bluesday Tuesday with Bill Ricci. Every Tuesday is Blues Day @ the Blue Tavern and Blues Meets Girl is a Tallahassee favorite. This perfect, intimate venue provides just what you need for both a mid-week break and authentic blues music experience. 8pm/$5
  
• 4th Quarter: Professor Jim's Tuesday Night Trivia. Popular for a reason! 8pm
  
• Argonaut Coffee: Trivia Tuesday. 8pm
  
• 926: Tacos and Trivia. 9pm
  
• Fire Betty’s: Comedy Show. 9pm/21+
  

• Cap City Video Lounge: Tallahassee Filmmaker Meeting. Join us at Cap City Video Lounge to pitch and discuss coming film ideas and video projects, both currently in production or in the pre-production stages! Please bring your work and ideas via links, thumb drives, or discs so that we can showcase it on the big screen in the Cap City Video Lounge's Fantomas Theatre! (Trailers and Shorts only, please!) No experience is necessary to join, but a small $5 admission fee will go towards our wonderful meeting location to continue supporting the passion of movie making in the local community! Please invite local actors, crew members, and film enthusiasts to join us on Tuesday, June 13th! We will be returning to an itinerary for our meetings starting in July that will help amp you guys up for the next 48 hour competition in November! Tickets for the 48 Hour Film Festival Premiere from this past month are available for purchase in person or over the phone! Hope to see you there! 7:30pm

WEDNESDAY, 6/14

• Rose Room: Women's Wednesday. Featuring Our Rose Roulettes and drink specials all night long. A night for all of our female-identifying friends to enjoy a safe space and an awesome happy hour! 6pm-2am
  
• Blue Tavern: The Wednesday Night Lab Session. 5pm
  
• Sugar and Spice Tally: Game Night. Join us every Wednesday Night for community game night. Bring your own or use ours! Let me know if you need to reserve space for a large group. Free to attend! 5pm
  
• Tara Angel’s Magic: D&D Experience - Adult (18+) Group. Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition - Candlekeep Mysteries. A one-shot is a D&D event that starts and finishes in the same session, typically lasting 3 - 4 hours. We have pre-generated characters for players to choose from. WHAT TO BRING: Pencils, Dice (can be purchased in store), Mask (encouraged for unvaccinated participants), Enthusiasm! Please sign up in advance to reserve a spot in this campaign. Tickets can be purchased in-store, over the phone, or on the website. For more information, please email [email protected], or call: (850) 878-4555 6pm-9pm
  
• Goodwood: Wonderful Wednesday. 6pm/$5
  
• Level 8 Rooftop Lounge: Trivia. 6pm
  
• The Great Games Library: Open Game Night. 6pm/free
  
• American Legion Hall: Sue Boyd Country Western and More Dance Class. Session 2 - Beginner 6:30 to 7:45 pm What: East Coast Swing and Waltz. Cost: $8.00 per person. Wear comfortable shoes you can turn in. 7:45 to 8:15 - Practice dance with paid admission. 8:15 to 9:30: Intermediate - 2 Step and WCS. $8.00 per person or $13.00 for both classes. Vaccines are required. Face masks are optional. Changing partners is optional. 6:30pm
  
• Perry Lynn’s Smokehouse in Quincy: Wed Night Open Mic w/ Steven Ritter and Friends. 6:30pm
  
• Hangar 38: Trivia. 6:45pm
  
• Oyster City Brewing Tallahassee: Trivia. Teams up to 6 players for three rounds with 10 questions and a tie breaker each round. Winners are by round so don’t worry if you need to come late or can’t stay the whole time! Prizes include a round of beer, a 6 pack and a gift card! 7pm
  
• Proof: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Vino Beano: Wine Bingo. 7pm
  
• Fermentation Lounge: Trivia. 7pm
  
• Blue Tavern: Wednesday Open Mic with Doc Russell. The open mic night that has run continuously for almost 20 years, once housed at the Warehouse, lives on at the Blue Tavern. Doc Russell continues as the host with the most. Sign up starts at 7:45pm/free to attend
  
• House of Music: Bar Bingo! Free to Play & Late Night Karaoke. 7pm
  
• The Bar at La Casa: MidWeek KARAOKE! 7pm
  
• Fire Betty’s: Karaoke! 8pm/21+/free
  
• Dukes and Dotties: College Night and Line Dancing Lessons. 8pm
  
• The Bark: Karaoke with DJ Nathan. Best karaoke DJ in town. 9pm
  
• World of Beer: Karaoke with DJ Cowboy. 9pm
  
• 926: Dragged Out Wednesday. 10pm
  

• 926: Normalizing Hate: A Difficult Discussion on LGBTQ+ Rights in Florida. Gay-owned Junnier Law & Research P.A. is presenting "A Law & Your Rights Hour" discussion on "Normalizing Hatred: An Uncomfortable Discussion About LGBTQ+ Rights in Florida" at 926 Bar & Grill to talk about the government clawback of LGBTQ+ rights in Florida. We will informally discuss LGBTQ+ current events and how they affect our identity as a group and as individuals. Talk leads to anger, anger leads to planning, planning leads to action--Let's turn Anger into Action! 7pm
  
• Square Mug: Ahleuchatistas (feat. Trevor Dunn of Mr. Bungle/Fantômas) with Frogs Dogs and Cowl. 7pm
  

I (M29) have been seeing this woman (F31) consistently for the better part of a month. We were connected through a mutual friend after I saw her at an event, and the chemistry was electric right from the start.
We’ve spent a significant amount of time together, the majority of it at her place, late at night, per her request. We’ve had intense, personal conversations. Tons of laughs and strong/explicit mutual flirting — basically everything except for actual, physical intimacy.
The reason is she’s going through a lot mentally right now. She’s extremely hung up on two guys from her past, one of which rejected her around a month ago. In addition, there are things going on in her home country that aren’t helping matters.
She says that I’m a “real man”, that I’m incredibly sexy, confident, etc but she’s afraid of how I make her feel because she’s not yet over her past situations, but that she feels she will be somewhat soon.
I’ve respected this, and I told her that while I’ll never be okay “just being friends” I’m happy to end or pause things if she feels it just isn’t the right time. However, to this point, she’s still enthusiastically initiated hangouts with me, so I’ve continued my pursuit. Last Tuesday, things reached a peak when I helped her with something at her apartment, and she made the “real man” comment and gave me a light kiss goodbye, after initially rejecting my attempt at a kiss a few hangouts prior.
Following that, we hung out again this past Saturday after I woke up to a text from her asking if I wanted to resume helping her out with a project for school, but obviously I took that as a thinly veiled hangout invite. I proposed a museum date, she agreed and responded happily with blushing emojis, etc.
We had an enjoyable day overall, but sadly, the good parts were punctuated with some clear moments of disrespect and boundary-pushing on her part.
I.E. — answering the door in a slightly sour mood, and grumpily questioning what we were doing going to the museum/stating that it wasn’t a “date” after she’d just happily accepted via text. Then, after we had a super fun time and spirits were high again — she initiated a loud conversation about why we couldn’t “just be friends” in the middle of a crowded restaurant when I told her multiple times that it’s not something I’m down for, and if she’d like to keep seeing me, she needs to get over it. We then went back to her place, with strong/clear sexual flirting along the way, and after initially rolling around on the couch, acting giddy and in the mood, she made things awkward when I tried to advance the situation, and ultimately went cold on the sexual front the rest of the night.
At the end of the night, following a lot more conversation and BS on her part, she kind of called herself out and asked if she’d crossed any boundaries, with a slight, knowing grin on her face. I politely said “yes”, and she blew me a kiss and left — and I’ve felt really weird about the entire situation since.
I’ve decided to not reach out since, and to wait for her to text me. It’s been several days now. Part of me is enjoying it, because I feel it’s the right thing to do for my own dignity, but part of me is pretty sad, because we had some lovely times together, and while I know it’s likely the case that this person just isn’t a proper fit for me right now, I can’t help but hope things kind of work out, even if only for a brief while.
Am I making the right call by pulling away? There’s the urge to text her, see if we can hang, maybe speak my mind in person, but idk. I feel like I should really just see this silence through.

Happy Tuesday! I will add pictures for each item as requested. All prices included tracked shipping!

• Yellow PS2 Console, stand and controller NTSC - $800
• Obscure: The Aftermath CIB(PS2)[Works but the disc is scratched] - $28
• Gunvalkyrie Game and Case (Xbox) - $29
• Donkey Kong Jungle Beat GC(CIB) - $30
• Battle for Bikini Bottom CIB (GC) - $22
• Mortal Kombat 3 Loose (GB) - $12
• Bayonetta 2 CIB(Wii U) - $28
• Shovel Knight CIB - $22
• Super Smash Brothers CIB Wii U - $11
• Super Mario Maker Wii U CIB - $13
• Mario Party 9 Game and Case - $40
• NBA Street Vol 2 (GC) - $26
• Cooking Mama Sweet Shop: Sealed - $37
• Bayonetta 2 (W/Bayonetta) Wii U CIB - $
• Cooking Mama 5 Sealed: - $95
• Donkey Kong Country 1-3 Loose: $70
• Red Mario Wii Mote x2 - $25
• Spyro Dawn of the Dragon CIB PS2 - $40
• Mario Sports Mix CIB - $27
• Yo-Kai Watch Flesh Souls 3DS - $45
• Yo-kai Watch 3DS - $25

Well holy fucking fuck. Kayla sent me a nude. Does consent just not exist as an idea for women? I dont go sending unasked for dick pics to everyone. Well tbf i did send one to becs friend once. They added me right as I was sending it to bec and it tapped the group chat. I was mortified. Died a fair bit inside. Bec laughed her ass off. Heh. Funny in hindsight. She says I have old man skills with technology. I do. And fat thumbs.
Anyway. Distracted again. Chatty chatty. I got angry at Kayla. Like really angry. I just couldn't put up with it anymore. So I called her and told her I dont want to be around her any more. But in my angry voice. My serious voice.
I got catfished as a kid by a girl I really cared about. She used photos of her sister. Then a girl I dated after was really big on sending stuff like that and I had to be into it or it made her angry/disappointed with me. That last one just ended up being a toxic mess I hated. I didnt like doing that sort of stuff. When I met bec she was much more confident than me. I think. Her friends would joke she was taking advantage of me. They called me her 'derp'. Fair enough, was derp. 🫠 But she liked showing herself off to me, and that does include those sort of pictures. And she didnt ask the first couple of times and i didnt make a big deal out of it because I really liked her and I didnt want to embarrass her or make her feel awkward. Eventually I explained how I feel about that sort of stuff. I didnt want her to think I was weird for not being that into it. But since then she respected my boundary and she helped me feel safe about it, and i grew to like her show offyness. But I still have my boundaries. Random photos of her in lingerie asking if I like it when we werent together was... not cool. But im not upset by it... just wasnt cool. Just have the no faces rule. And I dont save them. I feel like thats good safety and boundaries. Is it weird to feel not the masculine one becsuse I had those rules? 😕 Bec didnt like the 'no saving' rule to start with. She took... offence. She said it came across like I didnt like looking at her in 'my own time' or that I wasnt interested. But she understands now. But yea. I adapted. I was never comfortable with it with daina.. that fucked me up. Kate i tolerated it and it went tits up when I finally had enough of how she treated me. Jess... well she just straight up didnt give a shit about my boundaries and spammed my phone and fb with nudes. Literally. Bec I... adapted. It is something that made her feel happy and wanted. So I engaged in that sort of flirting. Just with my ground rules that she respected it.
But Kayla. Wtf. Never did thst with her. No idea why she thinks id be comfortable with it. I muridkdkejejehdj. Like whhyyyyyyryudisjsjeje. I dont get it. I feel crazy again. Like ive missed something. We werent getting along. I was basicslly ignoring her after last week. I dont want to see her naked! You know whats weird? I feel gross. I feel like ive cheated. And I havent cause im not Becs anymore. But it makes me feel icky. And now I have a different naked person in my mind now and I hate it because I only wanted Bec. And I feel dramatic for saying I hate Kayla for it. And I cant tell her im angry at her because Im a sucker and all I could do was what I did. Look at least she didnt grope me. Small miracles at least.
I dont get whh she ruined what little possibly of friendship we had left. Wtf did she get out of it? I dont even know what I did wrong. What did I do to make her think this was okay? Why does she respect me so little?
Im gonna trh and sleep. I just feel... hurt and unimportant. Nothing I want seems to matter. Nobody ever stops to think what will make me happy.

I have an idea of who I want to become eventually. I also realize I am far from this person as of now.
I am in a very dark place emotionally. I struggle every day with getting out of bed.
I have noticed a pattern in my life that whenever I find myself in a group of people I care about, I want to be closer to them but I feel I don't deserve them. I feel inadequate. I don't like anything about myself, the way I look, the way I sound, how I lack charisma. This is pattern that has been present in my life for at least a decade.
Currently I have been working at my frist job for 9 months. Not everything is perfect. I don't like how everything is getting worse for the past six months, how due to changes in management we lack charismatic leaders who would stand up for the people they are responsible for. But as long as I have the wonderful people from my team working with me, I can bear a lot. One of many regrets I have though is that I don't have any way of actually making meaningful connections with them. I feel I am a person of second category. I try to sit as close to them as possible every day. I try to spend as much time with them as possible. I go for coffee breaks with them, but I hardly ever speak, not because I don't want to talk, but because I am not fully present with them, as my mind is busy 100% of the time coming up with reasons why I am unworthy of being friends with, how unlikeable and unlovable I am, how I've never been anyone's first choice. It feels that at best they just don't mind me, but they don't like me either. But there's also a part of me that is just waiting for them to tell me to fuck off, but this blow never comes.
Anytime someone says something in the realm of needs and desires, I have noticed I have something like an automatic shame reaction. For example, when someone tells a sex joke, I fantasize about sex, but on the outside I have a shitty reaction like pretending I misheard something. This is frustrating because this is not the real me. The real me would be verbal, would explore the topic further, make another joke. And I see others do it, and I just bottle everything inside, and make the impression that I'm a shy, innocent, immature person and this is so tiring. I have the core belief that my needs are not valid, that I should be ashamed of them, never let anyone know I have them. Through time it means I've become invisible and mute, and whenever I drink alcohol and my defenses are down, people seem so surprised I have a dark side to me, that I swear, that I have desires and fantasies.
I compare myself a lot to others, especially an older friend who seems perfect from my perspective. He is charismatic, attractive, funny, confident, shameless. Everyone wants to spend time with him, everyone wants him around, anytime he's absent, someone notices his absence. He is free to express his love for the people he loves. I admire him but I also quite naturally feel like shit when he is around. At the same time, I know I've been feeling like this long before he appeared in my life, and I know if he were to disappear, I wouldn't feel any better. This is not a matter of closeness with him, or his acceptance. It is a matter of me feeling good about myself, working on myself to become acceptable to myself. But being aware of all my shortcomings, it is just impossible to me.
From time to time though when I compare myself to that older friend, I have a thought that maybe my judgement is not entirely correct. He used to be my manager, and he was the embodiment of all the traits I want to cultivate within myself. An interesting thing is that for a short moment I had it, at least partly.
7 years ago, when I was at the first year at the University, I was chosen to be my group leader. I realize this means a far smaller scope of responsibility than being a manager in a corporation, but sometimes when I look at that older friend, he sort of reminds me of myself at the beginning of my life as a student, even if more self confident, and more emotionally mature.
When I was chosen to be my group leader, it turned out all of a sudden that I have leadership skills. I was ready and willing to accept the responsibility for my group, and become sort of a mediator between my group and the teachers. One of the female friends called me "a smiling, charismatic man", another one hit on me for a short while on messenger. All other groups were jealous of how well my group was getting along. We were the best group. I had the universal acclaim of being the best group leader. I remember that at that time I was different. I was happy, I had friends. I felt I was important, and needed. I was seen, and I was heard. People counted on me and it felt amazing. After years of feeling like a pain in the ass of other people, suddenly I was not a burden, but someone loved.
Even though it did not last long, since I started to overstep my boundaries to please others, to deserve being in the group, I consider this short time (between me being chosen as a group leader and the moment when I started self-sabotaging) to be my greatest success so far. I was allowed to give a lot to other people, and I so want to give a lot to people I like, and they accepted it and me, and it was so different than what is considered by most people to be my norm.
One of the saddest things I can think to myself is that I am the polar opposite of my older friend at work (he is not even the first person who makes me feel this way - inspired AND hopeless). Every day when I wake up, my first thought is "you don't deserve those people", "you don't deserve all these good things he deserves", "you'll never be like him". But the memory of the time at the beginning of my life as a student gives me some sort of hope. I wonder if it is possible that it is not completely lost, and maybe I can somehow get back to the person I was 7 years ago, and work further to, for example, establish my boundaries.
My point is that if I once had leadership skills (even if they were not perfect), but they seem to be non-existent now, are they suppressed but still within me, or are they lost completely? Does anyone have a similar experience of losing a valuable asset, only to find it later on?

I would really like to get into the finance field but I don’t know where to start. I’m 29 and I graduated college in 2016 with a bachelors in communications from a good school. for the past 6 years i’ve been working at software companies doing implementation, project management, etc. I don’t enjoy working in software at all and on top of that it’s been a really unstable industry this past year with mass layoffs and whatnot. I figure it’s time to change my path because I don’t want to wake up at age 45 and realize that i wasted 20+ years of my life doing something that didn’t make me happy.
The funny thing is, when I was a freshmen in college, I really wanted to get into the business school. I took prerequisite classes like macro and micro economics, calc, etc but i didn’t get accepted when I applied. I got discouraged after that rejection and gave up entirely (which was a mistake). Now i want to get into finance/business but don’t know where to start.
Does anyone have any advice, tips or recommendations? Has anyone made a career change to finance? Thanks in advance!

My 10 month old is a great overnight sleeper most of the time, but naps.. 😅 I could really use some tips on helping him nap more consistently.
Some background: he doesn't fall asleep independently yet. we hold him and transfer to the crib for naps and nighttime, but he does put himself back to sleep at night if he wakes up. He has always been a catnapper unless he's held for the whole thing, so if I hold him he'll easily sleep 1.5-2 hours, but if I transfer him to the crib it's 30 minutes IF he doesn't wake up on the transfer. At daycare, they say they have some success putting him down awake and letting him fall asleep on his own but sometimes they need to hold him. On Tuesday apparently he napped for 2 hours in the crib, which is not super uncommon for him at daycare but completely unheard of if he's home. Yesterday at daycare he napped a total of 20 minutes all day because he refused to be set down. On weekends we TRY to transfer him but sometimes end up holding him for an hour just to make sure he gets a decent nap. If he gets a 35+ minute crib nap, we're jumping up and down in celebration lol.
Is holding him to fall asleep causing the problem? Or is this just normal? He sleeps so good at night but naps are just an absolute crap chute.
Edit to add: fortunately he's super happy, even yesterday after napping for only 20 minutes all day he was so happy right up until bedtime. So I do wonder if he's just gonna be one of those kids who drops naps really early because he doesn't need that much daytime sleep.

I need to add context before I talk about the nightmare holiday. It's a long one because without it, it just kinda won't make sense. I probabaly wouldve got this off my chest ages ago but the sheer ammount of story telling seemed draining as talking about it makes me feel deflated and sad. It always pops up in my head though, think i just need to get it out
I have just turned 24 and my partner is 23, we have a 3yo together. I have ADHD and was only just diagnosed in January this year. I've been thought of as autistic too by counselors and as I've gotten older and more self aware, it's quite obvious that I am. I don't want a diagnosis for this though as it wouldn't change anything but add limitations due to the stigma and misconceptions surrounding it.
Im a stay at home mum and have been since i finished college at 21. Haveing a child has made symptoms more obvious and I heavily struggle with washing and putting clothes away due to sensory issues and with prioritising tasks, motivation etc Sometimes I can get overhwelemed by the sheer ammount of things to do that I shut down and fall behind. From the outside it can be perceived as laziness, to me I am battling myself and trying my hardest to get through each day. I also have complex ptsd and comes with that is permenant 24.7 depersonilsation which is its own hell, this makes me disconnected and feel dream like. Add on the over stimulation from lights, sounds, socialising etc this gets so bad that I can struggled getting around shopping centres. My brain turns to complete mush. All my issues and this made college HELL for me, I struggled so much and nearly got kicked out multiple times for each college due to awful attendance and falling behind severely. Idk how but I managed to walk away with 2 level 3 qualifications and a level 2. Working would be extremely difficult for me, when lo starts nursery in September I will look for a job but something that is part time and allows me to recuperate.
My partners never helped me, even during lockdown and paternity leave (4m off, lo was a newborn) I was healing from pregnancy (3rd degree stitches inside) and juggling a whole house (moved in 1 day before birth) and baby whilst he played his games everyday till 6am, wakeing up 1pm. I was so sleep deprived I was hallucaitng. He did nappies, I'd have to plead for him to clean a single dish or put his dish in the kitchen, put his wrappers in the bin and not stacking them up next to it, pissing on the floor in toilet. No matter how hard I begged and pleaded for help, he'd stonewall me. Laugh at me with his gamer friends on mic, tell his family I'm physco etc. 0 affection, only when he wants sex. Never a kiss, a touch, nothing.
When he started work, this became set in stone though. These things were no longer arguable, it was my job now. I communicated all the issues with my partner and his gameing addiction to mil because she kept saying that I was being controlling of lo and not allowing my partner the chance to bond, this pissed me off ALOT as I was begging him.. crying at him for help. Anyways as he started work and lo got older, things didn't exactly change but just became the norm. Mil would always bother the shit out of me with unsolicitled advice.. i'm breastfeeding for too long, makeing lo clingy, lo doesn't see her enough despite getting to see her 2x to 3x a week due to being down the road from us, I'm a mean mum for not giveing lo chocolate, I'm lean for not wanting people to smoke near her. Everything I want for my child was somehow me targeting her and stopping her from being a nana. His family members thought that I was controlling of lo because I don't allow mil the chance to bond with her due to no sleepover yet, that i don't allow lo over enough. I didn't give lo bottles to lo? I'm refusing mil the chance to bond. I'm refusing partner the chance to bond too despite makeing bottles for him and him only to give to lo, but him refusing because he's busy. Lo would only sleep if I put her to bed? Apparantly this is my fault, I made her too clingy and gave no one else the chance to do it despite begging partner to and him refusing.
I have openly called partner mentally and fincanially abusive and opened up about it due to the unfair judgments and comments I was receiving. Apparantly the issue lied with MY inability to communicate. (In the holiday my adhd and autism will be used as a means to gaslight in to thinking I'm the bad commutator, despite him being the one that refuses to even achlowledge me) they would always find every excuse under the sun to justify his behaviour because he's their perfect boy, the youngest.
Lo is now 3yo, she goes round to mils every Sunday unless somethings on that day. She still hasn't slept over but I don't see the need for it yet. I've brought up issues with her and stand my ground. Things are more settled, partner still does fuk all in the house but we've found more of a balance. He plays with lo more now and I got to out for the first time to see my friends and go out clubbing, she stayed with him for the whole night and was the first time she went down without me there. (This wasn't always my choice tho)
Mil has pissed me right off, many times.but she has done a lot for us, drove me many times to see my family who are further away. Helped me get back and fourth when my grandad was dying, payed for things for us, got us shopping, drove me shopping etc. I stayed with partner at mil and fils house, I'd catch the college bus from there. And his family are also nice, I just think I've been painted quite negativley which they've gone off. She's not all bad.
The holiday.
It's a large building in the countryside, 12 rooms which fit the 23 people going (7 were kids) it was mil, fil, partners 2 brothers and their partners, mils dad and mum, her brother and his gf, mils 2 sisters and their partners, and 1 of their kids who is a teenager brought their partner. As u come in to the building there's a pub which we stocked so as the day time was comeing to end and kids went to bed, drinking started. I had a drink the first night, didn't the 2nd.
Things were great for the first 2 days. Come the 3rd day and shit went down, it was the day I found out everyones true feelings about me, I've never felt so gaslight and bullied in my entire life (even despite being heavily bullied in school and abused at home).
It was about 9pm & we were all quite drunk at this point. I was less as I stayed sober until lo went to bed which was a lot later than the other kids. Partner doesn't drink so he was stone cold sober. We had to keep going up and checking I lo was alright as we didn't have a monitor and we were on the top floor near lots of stairs.
We were doing kareoke and I was really happy and relaxed. As I walked past partner who was playing darts with his brother (1) (who I need to add, has no kids and is 26 still living with mil) he called me over and told me to go check lo. idk what come over me but I said, no I've done every night of every day of her life. Let me have a break for once. (I have only seen my friends twice in 4yrs due to him being insecure, arguing against me leaving lo etc. Drinking is rare for me so I just wanted to relax and switch off just a bit) Partner didn't say anything, the brother turned round and said "no, I'm sorry but I don't agree with that" I say "what do u mean?" He goes "he works, he gives u a roof over ur head, food on the table. He works everyday to provide for u and lo and what do u bring to the table?" I just stood there for a moment processing what he justt implied and already feeling drained by the idea of if I go "I'm grew and raised lo, i maintain and house and have basicly sacrificed and given up everything to do it" he responds with "so u don't bring anything then? Because u don't do the washing, u never clean the house and being a sahm is a walk in the park to doing his job everyday" I stood there and just walked away.
I went to the bar and sat on the stool, I just felt really hurt especially as my partner just listened and nodded in agreement to everything. Psrtners brother (2) was makeing drinks (he has a 2m old). Mils brothers gf was sat on the stool next to me. I basicly just started crying, I couldnt hold it. I was just sad af. I basiy repeated what brother (1) had said and tried justifying myself and explaining why he's wrong and that despite falling behind on things at times I truly try. It's not fair to say I don't bring anything to the table when I could use the same logic and say be doesn't bring much to the table as a dad, bringing in money doesn't add more value to him and less to me. And was just saying it's always me who is made out to be unappreciative of him, when all I've done is show appreciation whilst he never has and has verbally told me he doesn't. They weren't mean they were trying to stay neutral and not add fuel to the fire which was fine.
Brother (1) gf comes over to see what's going on. I repeat everything i told them and everything else to her. She goes "no no no, I'm gonna stop you right there. I havnt talked to you much and only hear what's going on from other people, I'm gonna tell you straight what I think" She is shouting all of this at me quite aggressively. Me: "okay" im a little confused tho Her: "No. Don't speak, let me finish" Me: "okay" Her: repeats what b1 was saying "WHAT DO U BRING TO THE TABLE, UR ALWAYS COMPLANING ABOUT HIM BUT U DO FUK ALL" Me: "But thats not fair -" Her: "NO LET ME SPEAK, NO, NO,NO" Me: "but what ur saying isn't fair" Her: repeats everything b1 said to me Me: still trying to speak but she keeps saying no over me and saying shut up. Mils brothers gf starts saying to the gf, let her speak (eventually she and everyone listening will tell me that it was me who wouldn't let her speak and was aggressive first) Me: I start raising my voice to try and over power hers in hopes of her hearing me and letting me defend myself. I'm trying to say the same things I said before and hseing the same logic but turned round on partner to try and get them to relise how unfair what they were saying to me was.
Mil comes STORMING in from the other room and starts screaming at me to shut and telling me that I always talk badly about her son when ive had a drink (that's not true. The last time I spoke about him was because he stormed off and ran away from the house because he thought I said something sexual to his brother in a group convo about shoes 🥴. Another time was when one of aunties ASKED me and tried getting gossip out of me. Its not even negative but the truth) Fil comes in and starts on me, partner comes and says I agree with what's being said but u all need to calm down. I'm basicly crying my eyes out and they all keep it going, I'm now repeating that I didn't start it I just felt hurt about what b(1) said to me. Mil hears what he said to me and agrees to, saying u don't appreciate partner.
Eventually she goes and things die down, I'm still really upset. I go outside to vape and get some fresh air, b(1) comes out to talk and said he was out of order but that I don't do enough at home. I ipen up about my struggles with adhd and autism and how what seems nothing to them, is harder for me. I'm trying my hardest and the house isn't even messy at all, its fine I just struggle with washing. We basicly end up chatting about random stuff after and yh.
I go back in and I try talk to b(1) gf who I see is playing pool with the uncles gf. I say can we squash it, play pool with you and be friends? she kicks off and says no, I don't like you and I don't agree with you etc. She starts shouting again, really load. I snap and say FUK YOU Mil STORMS in worse than before and pushes her body against mine, I'm taller so she raised her head and pushes it close to mine. I can feel her breath, she points her finger to me and screams about how I woke her dad up with MY screaming (it wasn't me it was b(1) gf and she knew this) she is still going and I just stare her dead in the eye, my breathing is calm and I didn't move an inch. I was abused physically, mentally and emotionally at home so I started to withdraw. Apparantly everyome thinks I'm being aggressive towards mil now but I'm not reacting. Partner had the audacity to grab me and try and pull ME away from her, I try yanking myself away and say get off me, I've literally done fuk all this whole night and then u pull me away as if im the one being aggressive and instigating?
I go back outside to vape and listen to music because im just sad af at the point, i hide on a bench where it's pitch black and zone out staring at the views and the lights from the towns in the distance. I start getting yelled at, called a wanker, an attention seeker etc. I eventually come in at this point, if anyone spoke to me I'd just ball it. Everyone was calling me selfish for still being awake because I should go to bed and sleep it off. I just needed to be alone and needed the peace and fresh air.
I walk in to the living room and see gf 1 is chatting with partner, twisting something I told her a while ago. I said a guy from college messaged me that I used to fancy, I ignored him but wanted to try and disconnect my Facebook from my partners phone incase he got jealous and funny with me. Even after deleting the message I was still really worried because he is quite jealous, I was worried about gim getting a message notification. She basicly made out that I wanted to meet him up and cheat. She thought my partner should know the secret she had been keeping to herself.. 😐 5mins later she goes to brother (2) and tries touching him and flirting with the mils brother, everyone saw it and spoke about it the day after. But not as much as how apparantly wanted to cheat on partner.
Eventually I went to bed.
The next day I didn't come downstairs, I didn't eat etc. Not because I didn't want food but because I didn't want to see or be round any of them and going to the kitchen meant I had to do that. Mil came to the room and never apologised but stood there saying.. well I don't appreciate partner, he was playing darts with his brother and it was your turn to check lo. I said yes maybe I should've just gone up but I just needed a break in that moment, i wanted to switch off. Maybe I was wrong for saying it but what b(1) said was disgusting. She goes well partner doesn't get to switch off, apparantly him going out multiple times a week to football and spending all his free time after work isn't time to himself but winding down. That its wrong for me to expect him to give me any money for train tickets to see my friends because I need to fund fun things myself. That its wrong to ask my money to do anything and I should just be happy staying at home and going to the same park with lo. Basicly saying all my labour is for everyone else but all his is for himself and he deserves more respect etc. Trying to give me parent advice, how I should change my routine etc how its my fault me and partner don't spend quality time together because I don't give up lo enough. How I'm the reason partner has worries about me going out with friends because I give him reasons to (I never ever have) and uses what the brothers gf said. That if i have these struggles that I just need to go doctor and get fixed because he pulls his weight and I don't pull mine. That I don't listen to people, everyone's tying to help me and I'm stubborn and won't take anyone's advice etc. How I blame partner for all our issues when its also on me and I need to communicate better, despite me being the one begging for a simple no or yes from him.
Everyone is telling me that it was the drinks and I was in the wrong too by saying the things i did. That I started being aggressive and rude to the gf first, everyone who witnessed how she wouldnt let me say even a word and how she was shouting at me first.. all now said it was me.
That I use my adhd and autism as way to get sympathy and justify being lazy, I just heed go the doctors and sort my head out. That I'm the one who comes across really closed off and blunt when all everyone wants to do is help, I push everyone away. That I'm really closed off and don't agree with everyone trying trying insert themselves other people's relationships is wrong, they are an open family and are only trying to help as they don't want to see us break up.
Yh.
They go out and fly kites with the kids, I go down to do it with lo. Afterwards brothers gf comes up to me and says I'm sorry for how I said everything last night, but not for what I said. I snapped and started going in on her. She says I lie about him being abusive and I victimise myself, I use all my issues as an excuse to make people feel sorry for me to get away with doing the bare minimum. That if she ever had kids she'd make sure she was working first and I'm a bad partner for haveing a baby before I sorted myself out. That I shouldn't expect partner to have lo to go out, I expect too much from him because he works and I don't do anything.
Yh no. I snapped back and used the times she faked pregnancies to keep brother 1, the times she would cause chaos because he had friends that were girls on Facebook. How she took phycoclogy yet has the audacity to tell me I'm lying about my issues etc. Her nickname is " physco *name: so whenever she spoke I kept saying it. I went.. its not nice when someone won't let u speak is it? And kept doing it until she left me alone. She went in and screamed to everyone about me, how she came to kindly apologise and I was horrible to her.
When we got home I havnt looked at the family or anyone else since. I didn't put down the things they said in full but it was basicly me stood there as all these people watched in agreement as they went in on me and disrespected me as a mum, a person with mental health issues and just as a bloody human. I hate them all. It was genunaly the worse night of my entire life and the day after was just as bad. The way everyone was gaslighting me and trying to get in my head twist things. It's all my pushed under the rug because its just a bad night of drinking. It wasn't just a bad night, not only did they show their true colors and thoughts about me but full on targeted me.
I would love to move and be a single mum, but I can't drive in a place that requires me to do so to get the jobs. (Bus routes are bad where I am) I feel utterly trapped. I'd need a low stimulating job too. It's just shit. With the adhd and the fact I require changes to my enviroment to function but can't get out or have money to do anything, I feel like I'm drowning in expectations, judggyness, chaos, and the same rooms and closing in on me and I fe suffocated. I don't want to feel this way, I feel like I just have pain and hurt knocking me down all through my life. If I could get on a plane and live alone with lo, find a job suitable for what I can keep up with I would. I feel like it's completley out of my reach though and Im stuck.
Btw if anyone actually read all this, damn 🤣 I just really needed to get it all off my chest weather it be heard by anyone or not.

OK, so this takes some explaining, but hopefully it’s worth your time. Spoilers, obvs.
In 2021, Leos Carax released his debut English language movie, written by Ron and Russell Mael of Art-Pop legends Sparks and starring Adam Driver, Marion Cotillard and Simon Helberg. It received great acclaim, winning several awards, but also left many cold. It’s such an odd film, but there’s a fantastic explanation as to why it’s such a difficult movie.
There are two stories running in parallel. One is that of the comedian, the opera singer and their gifted child. The other is the story of how the filmmakers wrote this movie. It’s an allegory for its own creative process.
The character Annette is the movie Annette, and her three parents are different elements of the screenwriters’ creativity. Henry McHenry, played by Adam Driver, is Sparks’ humour and pop sensibility. The accompanist, played by Simon Helberg, is their musical talent. Ann Defrasnoux, played by Marion Cotillard, is their genius.
These characters’ fates determine what kind of movie this will be, and it doesn’t end well for any of them.
I’ve made a video that lays out the evidence for this - https://youtu.be/36ExvkMIipU. Part 2 is coming soon.
For those that don’t know, Sparks have made funny and catchy pop music for almost 50 years, influencing artists as wide ranging as Bjork, Beck, Sex Pistols, Erasure and Red Hot Chilli Peppers, making great music to this day yet somehow have remained obscure.
Leos Carax said this about this about his collaboration with Sparks: “We had 80 songs and only kept 42. There were many versions of every song, depending on where the story was going.”
So during the 8 years of development, pieces were added, removed and altered, and this concept is embedded into the movie itself. If you look at the quotations, additional music and archival movie footage used throughout, something interesting connects it: there’s an uncanny number of references to creative works that were changed into something different, moving it beyond from the artist’s initial vision. Just like ‘Annette’.
‘The Crowd’ by King Vidor This movie from 1928 is used during a montage of Ann’s performances. Its original release was delayed because the movie studio was displeased at the lack of a happy ending. At their insistence, seven alternative happy endings were filmed.
‘Till the clouds roll by’ While Henry is babysitting, the TV shows a musical number from this 1946 Judy Garland movie. The song, ’D’ye love me’, was filmed by a different director (her husband Vincente Minnelli) but then cut from the final movie.
‘Oceans’ Footage is used from this French nature documentary which was distributed by Disney Pictures. The final cut had 20 minutes of violent footage removed to make it palatable to a young audience.
‘Rogue one’ We see this playing at a cinema while Henry rides past on his motorcycle. The Star Wars spin-off had extensive reshoots with new scenes, including a new soundtrack and ending.
‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ There are several visual parallels between ‘Annette‘ and the first feature-length Disney movie. It was originally conceived as a comedy piece, with a continuous run of jokes from the dwarfs. In later drafts, scenes were removed in order to focus more on Snow White and the Evil Queen, and less on the comic relief.
‘The Night of the Hunter’ The shot of Ann’s body falling to the depths of the ocean calls back to this 1955 American Thriller. The screenplay was by James Agee, based on his own book, but director Charles Laughton rewrote most of the script without credit. This was partly because the story features an evil preacher, highly controversial at the time, so the changes were made so that he would appear unordained.
‘Bluebeards Castle’ This opera was completed in 1911, but not taken seriously because of its single act structure. It was modified in 1912 and a new ending added in 1917.
‘National Brotherhood Week’ by Tom Lehrer This is the song that goes “and the Catholics hate the Muslims, and the Muslims hate the Catholics”. The musical satirist would often update the jokes in his songs at live performances.
‘Symphony No. 2’ by Gustav Mahler This was composed reusing elements of the composer‘s first symphony,
‘Otello’ by Verdi This was written between 1879 and 1887. Many drafts exist between the libretto first being written and its completion, with notes and letter published showing the evolution of the work as the music demanded changes to the text and vice versa.
‘Carmen’ by Bizet This was altered several times during the rehearsal for the first performance. As such, the vocal score from March 1875 shows significant changes from the version of the score sold to the publishers, which is in turn different to the orchestral score. Nobody knows which version was originally performed.
‘Madam Butterfly’ by Puccini First completed in 1904, this was withdrawn after a disastrous premiere. In total Puccini wrote five versions of this opera.
‘Norma’ by Bellini When composing this opera, Bellini wanted it to be performed by star soprano Giuditta Pasta. To entice her, he offered to retouch or even change the character completely to suit her.
‘Symphony No. 4’ by Brahms The debut performance was a scaled-down preview played on two pianos to a small audience of friends. Despite going on to be a classic, it was panned by the audience, with critic Eduard Hanslick describing it as “being given a beating by two incredibly intelligent people”.
‘La traviata’ by Verdi This opera was envisioned in a contemporary setting, but the authorities insisted it be set in the past.
‘Mother Courage and her Children’ by Bertold Bretch This 1941 play includes the quotation “War is like love, it always finds a way”, which likely serves as inspiration for ‘True love always finds a way’. For it’s second production in 1949, Brecht revised the play to make Mother Courage less sympathetic, because despite rave reviews, he felt that critics misunderstood the piece.
These works aren’t necessarily being evoked because of their stories or themes, but because of how they were changed. Leos Carax and Sparks are showing us that the movie we’re watching is inextricably tied to the method used in creating it. In other words, it’s not just an incidental bit of trivia that ‘Annette’ had several drafts, it’s core to the understanding of the movie.
With the release of the Unlimited Edition of the soundtrack album, Sparks gave some insight into a previous draft, and it helps us to better understand the final movie. It includes a handful of demos and unused songs which show a very different trajectory for Henry McHenry. Instead of destroying his career by offending his audience, he’s instead met with indifference because falling in love and having a child has taken away his edge as a performer. We therefore know that Henry’s comedy routines were rewritten, and this fact can be used to explain a lot.
The title of Henry’s show is The Ape of God. This is a term for Satan that originated from the Middle Ages, meaning that he impersonates (or apes) godly things to make people do evil. Encyclopaedia Britannica describes it as “an evil who attempts to imitate God through spurious, malicious creations that he interpolates for the divine creations”. The word “interpolate” means “to insert something (of a different nature) into something else”, which is what the screenwriters are doing by reworking these scenes. The Henry McHenry that we see isn’t the character as originally envisioned - he’s a rewrite, and this explains the uncomfortable anti-comedy of his routines.
One of Sparks’ defining characteristics is humour, with a distinctive style of wit that’s been a constant presence in their music throughout the decades. Their songs feature colourful characters and clever pop-culture references, but with ‘Annette’ they go in the opposite direction, filling it with sadness at every turn. If you look back through Sparks’ catalogue of songs, finding something without an element of joy or humour is rare. They’re a “fun” band, but that element of fun is mostly missing in ‘Annette’ - this is fundamentally different to the Sparks we’ve seen before.
This was explained by Leos Carax when asked how the movie was reshaped from Sparks’ original screenplay.
“The only changes I made were with the writing. It was only a storyline without characters. The brothers live in this Sparks bubble, which is pop fantasy. There was a lot of irony. Irony in a cinema is a danger, I think. It has a tendency to make everything less crucial, less real. It’s a bit too easy for cinema, especially today. I had to make that irony into something else. We had to really create Henry as a character.”
Here’s the theory: Ron and Russell wrote a comedy that was true to Sparks, then employed Leos Carax to impose restrictions on the rewriting process. These were the changes necessary for the band to achieve their dream of making a true art house tragedy.
I still have lots more to share on this, but in the meantime I’d love your thoughts.

OK, so this takes some explaining, but hopefully it’s worth your time. Spoilers, obvs.
In 2021, Leos Carax released his debut English language movie, written by Ron and Russell Mael of Art-Pop legends Sparks and starring Adam Driver, Marion Cotillard and Simon Helberg. It received great acclaim, winning several awards, but also left many cold. It’s such an odd film, but there’s a fantastic explanation as to why it’s such a difficult movie.
There are two stories running in parallel. One is that of the comedian, the opera singer and their gifted child. The other is the story of how the filmmakers wrote this movie. It’s an allegory for its own creative process.
The character Annette is the movie Annette, and her three parents are different elements of the screenwriters’ creativity. Henry McHenry, played by Adam Driver, is Sparks’ humour and pop sensibility. The accompanist, played by Simon Helberg, is their musical talent. Ann Defrasnoux, played by Marion Cotillard, is their genius.
These characters’ fates determine what kind of movie this will be, and it doesn’t end well for any of them.
I’ve made a video that lays out the evidence for this - https://youtu.be/36ExvkMIipU. Part 2 is coming soon.
For those that don’t know, Sparks have made funny and catchy pop music for almost 50 years, influencing artists as wide ranging as Bjork, Beck, Sex Pistols, Erasure and Red Hot Chilli Peppers, making great music to this day yet somehow have remained obscure.
Leos Carax said this about this about his collaboration with Sparks: “We had 80 songs and only kept 42. There were many versions of every song, depending on where the story was going.”
So during the 8 years of development, pieces were added, removed and altered, and this concept is embedded into the movie itself. If you look at the quotations, additional music and archival movie footage used throughout, something interesting connects it: there’s an uncanny number of references to creative works that were changed into something different, moving it beyond from the artist’s initial vision. Just like ‘Annette’.
‘The Crowd’ by King Vidor This movie from 1928 is used during a montage of Ann’s performances. Its original release was delayed because the movie studio was displeased at the lack of a happy ending. At their insistence, seven alternative happy endings were filmed.
‘Till the clouds roll by’ While Henry is babysitting, the TV shows a musical number from this 1946 Judy Garland movie. The song, ’D’ye love me’, was filmed by a different director (her husband Vincente Minnelli) but then cut from the final movie.
‘Oceans’ Footage is used from this French nature documentary which was distributed by Disney Pictures. The final cut had 20 minutes of violent footage removed to make it palatable to a young audience.
‘Rogue one’ We see this playing at a cinema while Henry rides past on his motorcycle. The Star Wars spin-off had extensive reshoots with new scenes, including a new soundtrack and ending.
‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ There are several visual parallels between ‘Annette‘ and the first feature-length Disney movie. It was originally conceived as a comedy piece, with a continuous run of jokes from the dwarfs. In later drafts, scenes were removed in order to focus more on Snow White and the Evil Queen, and less on the comic relief.
‘The Night of the Hunter’ The shot of Ann’s body falling to the depths of the ocean calls back to this 1955 American Thriller. The screenplay was by James Agee, based on his own book, but director Charles Laughton rewrote most of the script without credit. This was partly because the story features an evil preacher, highly controversial at the time, so the changes were made so that he would appear unordained.
‘Bluebeards Castle’ This opera was completed in 1911, but not taken seriously because of its single act structure. It was modified in 1912 and a new ending added in 1917.
‘National Brotherhood Week’ by Tom Lehrer This is the song that goes “and the Catholics hate the Muslims, and the Muslims hate the Catholics”. The musical satirist would often update the jokes in his songs at live performances.
‘Symphony No. 2’ by Gustav Mahler This was composed reusing elements of the composer‘s first symphony,
‘Otello’ by Verdi This was written between 1879 and 1887. Many drafts exist between the libretto first being written and its completion, with notes and letter published showing the evolution of the work as the music demanded changes to the text and vice versa.
‘Carmen’ by Bizet This was altered several times during the rehearsal for the first performance. As such, the vocal score from March 1875 shows significant changes from the version of the score sold to the publishers, which is in turn different to the orchestral score. Nobody knows which version was originally performed.
‘Madam Butterfly’ by Puccini First completed in 1904, this was withdrawn after a disastrous premiere. In total Puccini wrote five versions of this opera.
‘Norma’ by Bellini When composing this opera, Bellini wanted it to be performed by star soprano Giuditta Pasta. To entice her, he offered to retouch or even change the character completely to suit her.
‘Symphony No. 4’ by Brahms The debut performance was a scaled-down preview played on two pianos to a small audience of friends. Despite going on to be a classic, it was panned by the audience, with critic Eduard Hanslick describing it as “being given a beating by two incredibly intelligent people”.
‘La traviata’ by Verdi This opera was envisioned in a contemporary setting, but the authorities insisted it be set in the past.
‘Mother Courage and her Children’ by Bertold Bretch This 1941 play includes the quotation “War is like love, it always finds a way”, which likely serves as inspiration for ‘True love always finds a way’. For it’s second production in 1949, Brecht revised the play to make Mother Courage less sympathetic, because despite rave reviews, he felt that critics misunderstood the piece.
These works aren’t necessarily being evoked because of their stories or themes, but because of how they were changed. Leos Carax and Sparks are showing us that the movie we’re watching is inextricably tied to the method used in creating it. In other words, it’s not just an incidental bit of trivia that ‘Annette’ had several drafts, it’s core to the understanding of the movie.
With the release of the Unlimited Edition of the soundtrack album, Sparks gave some insight into a previous draft, and it helps us to better understand the final movie. It includes a handful of demos and unused songs which show a very different trajectory for Henry McHenry. Instead of destroying his career by offending his audience, he’s instead met with indifference because falling in love and having a child has taken away his edge as a performer. We therefore know that Henry’s comedy routines were rewritten, and this fact can be used to explain a lot.
The title of Henry’s show is The Ape of God. This is a term for Satan that originated from the Middle Ages, meaning that he impersonates (or apes) godly things to make people do evil. Encyclopaedia Britannica describes it as “an evil who attempts to imitate God through spurious, malicious creations that he interpolates for the divine creations”. The word “interpolate” means “to insert something (of a different nature) into something else”, which is what the screenwriters are doing by reworking these scenes. The Henry McHenry that we see isn’t the character as originally envisioned - he’s a rewrite, and this explains the uncomfortable anti-comedy of his routines.
One of Sparks’ defining characteristics is humour, with a distinctive style of wit that’s been a constant presence in their music throughout the decades. Their songs feature colourful characters and clever pop-culture references, but with ‘Annette’ they go in the opposite direction, filling it with sadness at every turn. If you look back through Sparks’ catalogue of songs, finding something without an element of joy or humour is rare. They’re a “fun” band, but that element of fun is mostly missing in ‘Annette’ - this is fundamentally different to the Sparks we’ve seen before.
This was explained by Leos Carax when asked how the movie was reshaped from Sparks’ original screenplay.
“The only changes I made were with the writing. It was only a storyline without characters. The brothers live in this Sparks bubble, which is pop fantasy. There was a lot of irony. Irony in a cinema is a danger, I think. It has a tendency to make everything less crucial, less real. It’s a bit too easy for cinema, especially today. I had to make that irony into something else. We had to really create Henry as a character.”
Here’s the theory: Ron and Russell wrote a comedy that was true to Sparks, then employed Leos Carax to impose restrictions on the rewriting process. These were the changes necessary for the band to achieve their dream of making a true art house tragedy.
I still have lots more to share on this, but in the meantime I’d love your thoughts.