Hard rock stadium yellow lot parking

I work at a neighborhood mini Walmart like store that is severely understaffed. We only ever have 2 people working if that at all and we do have a online pick up order thing for those who don’t want to do all the walking around. Some clown shoe keeps pulling up in the parking lot taking up 2 handicap spots normally so he can see directly into the store and will sit there with his money in hand sticking out his car window. All of us ignore him. He has been banned from the store for harassment. He likes to scream at people when his card declines or he dose something wrong but it’s never his fault. Anyway after doing it a few hundred times with the same outcome some kids waited for him to stick his hand out and they ran up and just took the money. He yelled at them but they tossed it in the parking lot and ran. I almost wanted to give the kids some free snacks but I didn’t want anyone to think I told them to do that.
He will pull up and just sit there for 10 or so min waiting. He normally has a bunch of kids and teens waiting in the car with him and his able bodied wife just waiting.
We have never shopped for him and never will but sometimes someone from the car will come in and ask where something is, as soon as they enter the store. we tell them and they will just stand there. Watching us. I’ve asked around about the family and all of their “friends” and relatives say they are not mentally ill or disabled, just Jack asses. I’m convinced people like this just breed more Karen’s and try so hard to control others because they are so desperate for attention of any kind. These are the kinds of people who teach their kids we retail and service workers arnt human when most of the time they hardly function as adults. I got a peepee slap by my higher ups for recording him the last time he came in but I’m still going to keep doing it because he is going to be the next popular Karen video with the way he acts. He has been trespassed but I don’t want to call the cops unless really needed.

Have you ever had the experience of swearing you saw something at the edge of your vision, peering at you from around a corner before? I’m fairly sure a good chunk of people have, maybe even you reading this right now. Regardless of whether you’re in a crowded area such as a mall or school, or home by yourself, you’ve more than likely had that strange sensation of being watched, usually accompanied by a slight shiver down your spine. You’ll snap your head up from whatever it is you’re doing, or whoever you’re talking to. And nothing will be there. But, you always swear that, at the very edge of your vision, you saw something. A slight blur, as if something was there, but seemed to anticipate your move, and pulled back out of sight. I’m fairly certain most of you just end up shaking it off. You shake your head, telling yourself that nothing was there, and go back to what you were doing.
That’s a good thing. Because it’s what keeps you safe. It’s what keeps you alive.
Like many of you, for years, I always wrote seeing the slight blur at the edge of my sight off as a trick of my eyes. “Being so focused on one particular area that the rest of your vision goes fuzzy” as my mother once told me when I, as a child, told her I’d seen something at the doorway to my bedroom. And as I grew older, I simply took it as fact, the way every child takes their parent’s wisdom to heart. And once I became an adult, I simply waved it away completely.
That was, until one night.
You see, as a thirty-something year old bachelor who makes just above the line of adequate pay, I live by myself in a small, one bedroom apartment. It means having to live farther out from the city where I work, but I prefer living alone over not having to make the rather long drive to and from work every day. And, because my free time during the day is close to zero, I also am a bit of a night owl. This particular night, about three and a half weeks ago, I was up late, sitting at my kitchen table with my laptop out in front of me. I was surfing the net, looking for good deals on EBay for a new DVD/VCR combo since my old one broke, when the feeling came over me. The small, but noticeable shiver shot up my spine, and at the upper edge of my vision, just below where my hair began to drift into my eyes, I saw it.
It was a black and silver blur. At least, that’s what it looked like to me. I lifted my head quickly, looking towards the corner I’d seen it. My kitchen is in the back of the apartment, and where the table is set up, I was looking back out into the living room. The bedroom also sits next to the kitchen, and the wall separating the two stretches out a bit, causing a rather large blind spot from where I sat. Of course, when I looked up, there was nothing there. For a few more seconds, I simply sat, staring at the corner. Nothing moved. There was no sound except for the quiet whine of my laptop’s fan, and the hum of the fridge. I snorted. Really, Eddie? You’re jumping at shadowy blurs now? What are you, eight years old again? And with a shake of my head, I went back to the computer screen.
The hours seemed to pass by at an accelerated pace, and to my surprise, when I checked the clock at the bottom right of my laptop screen, the time said quarter to three in the morning. “Holy crap, I stayed up too friggin’ late!” I whispered to myself. I’d barely be getting four or five hours of sleep. And so, with a yawn, I shut my computer down and put it back into its carrying bag. As I stood up, though, a slight feeling of apprehension wiggled its way to the forefront of my mind. I lifted my head from zipping up the bag and again stared at the corner. This time there was nothing there. No blur at all. Recalling what my mother had told me years ago, I stood up and slowly stepped into the center of the kitchen, where I could see around the corner. I felt a small pang of embarrassment at the relief that washed over me as I saw nothing was there.
“What next, you gonna start believing in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus again?” I muttered to myself. And with that, I entered my bedroom, shutting the door behind me and climbing into bed. For a moment, the image of the blur danced behind my eyelids. And then the sandman overtook me, plunging me into a deep and dreamless sleep.
The next day passed by like I was wading through quicksand. Of course, it likely had to do with how tired I was. But I got through the day, and soon enough, I was back home. This time, I resolved to get to bed before midnight. One AM at the latest. So I didn’t go on my computer. Instead, I watched some TV, and indulged myself in a few online matches in Battlefield 1. Soon enough, the clock sitting next to the TV displayed 12:35 in big red numbers. Alright, time for bed, I thought, and stood up, shutting off the TV and Xbox. I decided that I would get myself a drink before bed, and moved to the fridge. Opening it, I pulled a pitcher of juice out, and grabbing a glass from a nearby cabinet, poured myself some. The cold liquid felt good sliding down my throat, and I let out a relieved sigh. For a moment, I closed my eyes. Apart from the sound of a diesel truck passing by outside, and the ticking of the clock over the sink, all was silent. And I loved it. I placed the glass in the sink to wash tomorrow, and turned to take the pitcher back to the fridge.
And nearly dropped it at what I saw. As I turned around, I had a clear view across the kitchen and living room toward the small alcove where my front door sat. And for just a second, I saw the same black and silver blur, pulling back out of sight from the edge of my vision. Except this time, I know it wasn’t just a trick of my vision, or a strand of hair flashing in front of my face. “Hey!” I reflexively yelled out. I didn’t expect any response, and I didn’t get any. But now I knew for certain. There was something, or someone there. I felt my pulse rapidly quicken, and my heart began to beat like a drum against my chest. Fucking great, did someone decide to break in and try to burgle my apartment, of all places tonight? I looked around quickly for something to defend myself. My eyes fell upon the block holding all my kitchen knives, and moving quickly, I pulled the largest one out and turned back towards the entryway.
There was no movement now, but I noticed a change in the atmosphere. Gone was the simple, vacant air the apartment always held. Now, it seemed to contain a charge to it. As if seeing the figure had been something they hadn’t planned on. As if I weren’t supposed to have seen it. Probably figured I’d already be in bed. Well, they have a massive surprise coming their way. I cleared my throat. “You back there” I called out simply. Again, there was no reply. I spoke again. “Look, I saw you there peeking around the corner of the entryway. The jig is up. I don’t want a fight right now, so, I’ll make you a deal. If you turn around right now and leave, I won’t call the cops on you, and I won’t come at you with this knife. Just, go find someone else to rob, okay?”
Still, there was silence. But the tension in the room seemed to have racked up more than a few notches at my words. I waited for a minute, feeling my temper begin to flare. Does the dumbass seriously believe that if he stays quiet, I’ll believe he’s not there and go to bed or something? It wouldn’t be a surprise; the people who usually broke into houses and apartments in my neighborhood were usually strung out on the drug of choice for the week, or, in all truthfulness, simply not that bright. I let out an annoyed growl. “If I have to come over there to get, it’s not gonna end well for you” I said. At six feet even, and in good shape, I could easily take on whoever it was.
The silence was almost deafening. Okay, the hell with this, man. I strode quickly across the room, the knife held out in front of me in a vice like grip. I stopped for a moment, drawing in all my strength and reflexes. For a moment, though, an odd sensation seemed to wash over me like a wave. To my surprise, it was a bolt of fear. But, fear of what? Yes, it was a bit dangerous to about to confront a cornered intruder, but fear shouldn’t be one of the experienced emotions. Shaking it away, I put all the muscle into my legs, and leapt around the corner.
There was nobody there.
For a moment, I simply stood there, feeling dumbfounded. “Uhhh….what?” I blurted out. I knew for a fact I’d seen someone there. It hadn’t been a trick of my eyes. And I hadn’t heard the front door open. In fact, looking down at it now, I saw the little knob on the door handle was, in fact, twisted into the locked position. As I stared down at it, a sudden, huge shiver rushed up my spine, combined with the feeling of being stared at intensely. In fact, it almost felt as though whoever were doing the staring, were almost directly behind me-shit!
On instinct, I whirled around, slashing out with the knife as hard as I could. But again, there was nothing. No one stood behind me. The oddest thing, though, was that as soon as I spun around, the feeling of eyes boring into the back of my skull ceased. As if the watcher had simply blinked out of existence the moment I turned. But the tension in the apartment didn’t go away. In fact, it almost seemed to intensify. And it kept me on edge. Enough to the point that I searched the entire apartment. I went into the bathroom, drawing back the shower curtain. I went into my bedroom and opened up the sliding doors to the closet. I even opened up both closets in the living room, pulling out all the coats and boxes someone could hide behind. But I found nothing. No trace of anybody. Even still, though, when I went to bed, I locked the door to my bedroom behind me, just in case. And I slept with the knife on my bedside table.
The next morning, when I awoke, the feeling had vanished from the apartment. It was almost as if the daylight had banished the tension filled aura away, and I was glad for it. Along with the fact that I had a full day of work ahead of me. And so, with a final look around, I locked the front door behind me, climbed into my old, but well taken care of Mitsubishi Starion, and made the two and a half hour drive into the city for work. The day passed by without much fuss, aside from a mandatory team meeting my dickhead boss decided to impose on us during our lunch break. The monotony calmed me down somewhat, and I began to mentally tease myself for how bent out of shape I’d gotten last night. I even decided to tell some of the guys at the water cooler about it.
Everyone, of course, had a good laugh over it. “Well, Ed, if I ever need someone to slice away at the dark emptiness of my house, I’ll be sure to give you a call!” Mark, one of my coworkers joked, causing everyone, including myself, to guffaw some more. The joking shoved it completely out of my mind, and before I knew it, the evening had arrived. I packed up my belongings back into the car and made the journey back home, still chuckling a bit to myself and humming along to the songs playing on the car’s radio. As I pulled into my apartment building’s parking lot and into my space at close to ten at night, however, I saw something which tore away that relaxed, relieved emotion from me like it’d been a loved one in the grip of a tsunami.
My complex is set up in a U formation with two floors, sort of similar to how an older built motel looks. My apartment was the second one on the top floor, and from where I sat in my car, I could look up and see the living room window of my place between the slats of the walkway’s railing. As I always did, when I left, I’d twisted shut the white venetian blinds so nobody walking past the window could look into my place.
Someone was peering down at me from between the blinds. From between my blinds.
I felt my blood turn to ice as I saw the obvious parting in the middle of them, signifying someone was pulling down on a section of them. And then doubly so when they, just as quickly, snapped back into position. Shitttt, I mentally hissed. I fumbled around in my coat pockets, looking for my cell phone. I let out a groan as I suddenly realized I’d forgotten it when I’d left home that morning. Which meant it was up there. With them. “Shit” I hissed again, out loud this time. I gazed around for a moment at the darkened windows of the other units. But I knew none of my neighbors would be of any help to me. Long gone were the days of neighbors looking out for each other; they would, inevitably, tell me to either find a way to call the cops myself, or straight up tell me to go fuck myself, that it wasn’t their problem. Which, unless I wanted to drive straight to my local police station, over twenty minutes away, the only other option was…to go in myself.
Hissing through gritted teeth, I pulled the door handle and kicked the door open, letting the chilly night air flood into the car’s interior. I reached down and yanked on the trunk release before climbing out and slamming the door. Crossing to it, I pulled the glass hatch up and fumbled around inside for a moment, before withdrawing a tire iron from the mess of crap cluttering up the trunk. Slamming the hatch closed, I took a deep breath, then, leaving my car’s engine running in case I needed to make a quick getaway, I took the stairs to the top floor two at a time. A moment later, I was standing at the head of the landing, staring at the Tweety-Bird yellow painted door of my apartment. My heart pounded in my chest as I took a step forward, reaching out slowly and gripping the handle in one hand. I gave it a small twist to see if it would turn.
But it stayed in place, showing that the door was still locked. Or, whoever’s in there locked it behind them. Swallowing a bit, I reached into my pants pocket for my house keys with my free hand. Pulling them out, I slid them as quietly as possible into the lock in the center of the doorknob. I took a deep breath, knowing as soon as I twisted the key, the doorknob would turn with it as well. “God, please don’t let me get jumped as soon as I step inside” I quietly whispered towards the dark sky. I let out the deep breath, then raised the tire iron over my head and twisted the key.
The knob turned, and I immediately pushed the door open. It swung inwards, before hitting the wall with a soft clunk. The porch light cast a long, narrow shaft of light into the dark room beyond, reflecting off my flat screen TV on the far side of the living room. Aside from that, though, the place was as dark and silent as a tomb. My pulse quickened as I slowly reached inside, my hand searching for the light switch. Part of my feared that, as I blindly searched, I’d suddenly feel a vice like grip seize my wrist and pull me into the dark. The mental image sent a shiver of fear through me, just as my fingers found the plastic switch. Flicking it on, the living room suddenly became awash in the bright overhead light. Still holding the tire iron over my head, I took a tentative step inside. The atmosphere in here had changed again. Gone was the tense one which had accompanied seeing…whoever the other night. In its place was….an almost threatening one. And realizing it set me even farther on edge.
Moving quickly, I leaned around the corner, giving me a glimpse of the kitchen beyond. Both it, and the living room were empty, from initial appearances, anyways. But that still left the bathroom, and the kitchen. Something caught my eye, however, which filled me with relief. My cell phone still sat where I’d left it, in the middle of the living room coffee table. I moved slowly, trying to stay as quiet as possible so whoever was hidden wouldn’t realize I was going for my phone and bum rush me. I held my breath as I passed by the half open doors of both my bathroom and bedroom, stepping around the couch and picking up my phone. I decided right there and then, that I’d step back outside and call the cops. There was a fine line between being courageous, and being suicidally stupid, and searching this place on my own, with just a tire iron to defend myself, especially knowing someone was hiding somewhere in here, was firmly on the latter side of that line.
I turned to begin walking quickly back to the open front door. But something stopped me. Something which made me freeze. There was a small section of eggshell white wall between the door to one of my closets, and the bathroom door. Something had been written there. No, not written, I realized. It had been scratched into the wall. My eyes flashed over the three words etched into the paint and plaster. Videre nos potest. My head swam with confusion, trying to place what language it was. That was when I felt my heart almost stop in my chest, my breath along with it.
Out of the left corner of my vision, I saw the door to my bedroom had slowly, but noticeably swung open a bit. That wasn’t what had caused my heart to skip a beat, though. It was seeing the black and silver blur again. Ohhhhh, shit. Before the thought had finished in my head, I was dashing for the door. Out of the corner of my vision, there was a sudden blur of movement as the black and silver figure came flying out of the room. It never made a sound, though. I dodged it, somehow, and flew around the corner, snatching the doorknob in my free hand and yanking the door shut behind me. Twisting the keys to the right to lock the door again, I tore them from the lock and thundered back down the stairs, yanking the door to my car open and crashing into the driver’s seat. Slamming the door shut and locking it, I dropped the tire iron and fumbled with my phone.
As the voice of the emergency dispatcher came on the other end of the line, and I stumbled through explaining what had happened, I kept my gaze locked through the windshield on the front door and the living room window. I swear I saw the blinds part again as I heard the wail of the police sirens approaching.
When the police arrived, I jumped out of my car and quickly explained what had happened. They took my house keys from me and with their pistols drawn, climbed quickly up the steps to my place. With neighbors opening their doors and parting their blinds to see what was happening, they unlocked the door and quickly entered. A few minutes later, they both reappeared and waved for me to come up and join them. “I’m sorry sir, but whoever it was, they’re gone” one of them said to me. He then showed me that the window in the back of the apartment, which was in the back of the kitchen and opened out onto a main road, had been opened, the mosquito screen having been cut to allow someone to jump out. I stared out and down at the two story drop. It would hurt to jump from this height, but it’s doable, I thought. The cops again did a sweep of the apartment, turning the entire place upside down with me there, and again, found no one. They both promised to stay the night outside, to keep an eye on the place in case the person attempted to try and come back, and would make sure an officer was posted outside for the next week or so. It made me feel more than a bit better.
“What about the writing scratched into the wall?” I asked them, pointing to it. The first officer shrugged. “I honestly don’t know, sir” he said, giving me an apologetic look, “That’s a language I’ve never seen before” That’s when the second spoke up. “It’s Latin” he said simply. We both looked at him. He was staring at the writing with a bit of a confused, if not apprehensive look on his face. “But what freaking low level criminal knows Latin?” he murmured quietly, more to himself than us. “Well, what does it say?” I asked him. For a few seconds, he didn’t answer, then he finally turned and looked at me.
“He can see us. That’s, roughly, what it says”
I felt a massive chill shoot up my spine at his words, though I couldn’t understand why. Not at the time.
As promised, the officers watched over the apartment the rest of the night. And for the next week, there was always at least one cop car sitting outside. It was also, thankfully, quiet that next week. I was almost able to feel completely calm, putting the frightening experience out of my mind and allowing my life to regain a bit of normalcy. I didn’t feel any sensation of being watched. One thing I did do, though, was type the Latin words into Google, in an attempt to see if anything came up. But nothing did. I decided to push the last remnants out of my conscious mind. And as the weekend came, I looked forward to sitting on the couch, playing video games all night, and having a bottle of Hypnotiq to myself. Saturday night, I played until almost one in the morning, before stumbling my drunk ass to the bed. I passed out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I’m honestly not sure what woke me up. But when I slid my eyes open, it was still to darkness. I felt my head begin to spin, showing that I wasn’t fully sober yet. I shot a look at the bright red glowing numbers of the clock on the bedside table next to my head. 3:30AM. Ugh, what the hell? Do I have to piss? What woke me u-
Everything stopped. My mind froze mid-thought, and my heart fluttered in my chest. My breath hitched in my chest as my eyes adjusted to the dark, staring across the room. I was looking at my bedroom closet, which, when I’d fallen asleep, I’d looked over and seen it closed. But now, as I stared, I realized the sliding right door had been pulled back some. A chill ran through me. And then it was replaced by a bone chilling shiver of fear as my eyes locked on to something else. Something which stared at me from around the edge of the half open closet door.
It was the black and silver blur. Except this time, it wasn’t a full on blur. I’m not sure whether it was the darkness or the alcohol still flowing through my veins, but…I could see it a bit more clearly now. I couldn’t see much. Just what looked like two large, very dark eyes, glaring at me. I felt frozen in place, fear quite literally paralyzing me to the bed. As I lay there, my eyes widened to the size of saucers, I slowly became aware of something else. Something which I’ll never forget, which I can still hear in the silence. It was whispering. It was a soft, hissing voice, sounding as grating as sandpaper, but it almost seemed to be growing in intensity. As if it knew I was awake and was staring at it. And it was not even remotely happy about it. The words were indistinguishable at first, but as the voice grew louder, the words became clear. But they weren’t words I knew. Or a language I knew.
“Tolle qui nos videre potest. Tolle qui nos videre potest. Tolle…qui nos videre potest!” I recognized some of the words as the same as the words written on my wall. It was speaking in Latin. The voice grew angrier and angrier, turning from a hiss into almost a demonic growl. And then, it went deadly silent. It almost seemed as though the entire world had gone dead silent, as if everything were being sucked out of the world.
That’s when I saw the hand reach up from underneath the bed to grab onto the sheets, less than a foot from my face. A hand which more resembled a claw, tipped with five razor sharp fingernails. There’s more than one….and it’s under my fucking bed!
Seeing that hand…that claw reaching up from under the bed broke the paralyzing hold that had come over me. I flew up in bed, flinging the sheets up and forwards and letting out an involuntary scream. Instantly, there seemed to be a world of motion in the bedroom. Black and silver blurs seemed to appear from everywhere. From the closet, from under the bed. Even from inside my armoire I used to store candy, books and CDs. And they were all coming for me.
But I was already moving, practically flying for my open bedroom door. Behind me, I caught the blurs following after me. They were terrifyingly fast, but they stayed silent. Silent, that is, except for the mantra they all suddenly began to angrily whisper. The same words I’d heard the one in the closet angrily hiss. “Tolle qui nos videre potest!” they chanted, just loud enough for me to hear. But not enough for anyone else in the complex to. I ran through the bedroom door, grabbing it and slamming it shut behind me. A moment later, I felt the push from the other side as whatever the things were attempted to force it open. Looking around, I spied a kitchen chair within reach and grabbed it, forcing it under the handle to block the door.
I knew it wouldn’t hold for long, though. I could hear the creatures practically throwing themselves at the door. I used the time I had to grab my computer bag, along with the clothes I’d left strewn on my living room floor and my cell phone. I’d just snatched my car keys from their hook, when I realized they’d gone silent. The assault on the door stopped. For a split second, I felt a wave of relief. And then I saw something out of the corner of my eye from the kitchen. My blood turned to ice as I realized the cabinet doors under the sink were beginning to open. And that demonic growl of a mantra was beginning to pour out from under it. So was my bathroom door. And both closets. “Oh, fuck me” I whimpered, then dashed for my door, snatching up my sneakers as they rushed out from their new hidey holes.
I unlocked and threw the door open, dashing out into the night and yanking it shut behind me. Bolting down the steps, I jammed the key into the door of my car and unlocked it. I piled into the driver’s seat and yanked the door shut, slamming down on the lock button. Forcing the key into the ignition and twisting it, the engine roared to life. I knew I should simply call the cops, but I knew at this point, if I did, when they arrived, they’d all have disappeared. Maybe even make it look like another person had jumped out the window again They're THAT smart. Instead, I jammed the shifter into reverse and peeled out of the parking lot. As I left, I saw the blinds part again. As they watched me go.
I haven’t been back to my apartment in weeks. I drove all through the night, fighting back the waves of nausea from the alcohol still in my system until I made it to the city where I work. I rented a motel room, and ever since then, I’ve been staying there. I figured I could just eventually have movers go and collect my things from the apartment, and give my thirty day notice. There was no way I was ever going back there.
I thought I would be safe in the city. I thought I would be safe anywhere else but my apartment. That they were bound to the place.
I was wrong. So very wrong.
Because I’ve started seeing them everywhere now. I’ve seen them while out in crowded places such as the mall or Wal-Mart. I’ve seen them in my coworker’s houses when I’m invited over by them as they tell me they’re concerned about how I’m beginning to act. I’m even seeing them at work. Peering at me from around the corners of hallways, from behind the water cooler. I’ve even caught them glaring at me from around the corner of my office cubicle. They whisper that horrible Latin mantra to themselves, now added with evil chuckles. And whisper it to me. I ended up entering the phrase into Google Translate, to understand what they were saying. But wish I never had. Because knowing meaning of the words fills me with an existential dread and terror I’ve never felt before.
Take away he who can see us
You need to listen to me now. You, reading this account I’m posting. I don’t know what these creatures are. I wish I did, because then, I might have some way of fighting back against them. I don’t even know what they fully look like. I’ve only seen their eyes. And their clawed hands. The only thing I can deduce, is that they are incalculably old. Centuries old. Maybe even eons. I now understand that those blurs I saw all throughout my life, from the corner of my vision, were them. They’ve lived alongside us for all of humanity’s existence, staying just out of sight. They like it that way. They don’t like us humans knowing about them.
But I know others, not just myself, have likely seen them.
How many strange cases of people disappearing in their homes, with all the doors and windows locked from the inside have you heard about. I know I’ve heard more than a few. And I think I know what happened to them. They saw these creatures. And when they realized the people could see them? They came for them. They wore them down, mentally and physically. Like they’re doing to me now. I’m afraid to fall asleep. Afraid I’ll wake up to see them right in front of me. I feel so weak now. I couldn’t fight them off if I tried. They know that. They knew that about the others. And that’s when they dragged them away….to God only knows where.
I know I'm going to find out soon enough.
Because all of today, they’ve been getting closer. I caught one trying to grab my leg under my desk. That wasn’t the scariest encounter I’ve had. The worst was driving back to the motel. Looking in the rear view mirror of my Starion. And seeing one of them glaring at me from just behind the rear seat. It caused me to nearly crash into a telephone pole. I’ve locked myself in my motel room, which is where I’m writing this. I don’t have much time left. They’re beginning to poke their heads out from everywhere in here. Multiple have popped their heads up from under the bed, watching me frantically typing this out on my laptop. And they’re all laughing at me. Today is when they're going to take me. They know I know that. I can’t do anything more now. I can’t run from them anymore. I’m too tired. Too weak.
But I can do one final thing. I can warn you. I can post this account of this here as a warning. I know for a fact most of you won’t believe me. And that’s fine. It may even be what saves you in the end.
But please, listen to me when I say this. If you ever think you see something peering at you from around a corner? If you ever catch a glimpse of a black and silver blur disappearing just out of sight? Don’t investigate it. Just ignore it. Tell yourself it’s nothing, and go about with your lives.
Because you don’t ever want them to realize you can see them.

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Memory transcription subject: Illia, Federation Communications Technician
Date [standardized human time]: October 21, 2136
Kiran and I embraced for what seemed like forever, idly sitting on the rainbow grass that colored the forest floor while huddled together in the darkness. The campfire near us was still full of life somehow, and provided a good amount of illumination throughout the campsite.
It was quite difficult to sit on my haunches upright, with nothing supporting my back. Despite that, It was well worth it and I would sympathize with her for as long as was needed. I remained alert, with my weapon still in my grip in case the human decided to return for round two. I gently massaged the girl’s back with one of my forehooves, hoping that my attempts at soothing her would ward away the trauma she had experienced.
“Illia..” Kiran sobbed into my chest, drenching the fabric of my jumpsuit. “T-thank you, thank you. I was scared that you didn't m-make it.. I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t. P-please don’t leave me.” She pleaded.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart, don’t worry.” I replied, my voice a faint whisper. “The only thing that matters now is that you’re safe. You don’t have to worry about that.. thing anymore. It’s gone.” I consoled her, wiping the still-wet tears off of her ruffled feathers. “More importantly, are you hurt?” I checked her over, examining her lithe body from multiple angles.
She thought about that for a little while, then sat up, stretching a wing. She let out a cry of pain once it was half-way extended and brought it back down gingerly, wrapping a wing around her upper shoulder. I reached forward out of sympathy, my maternal instincts moving me to comfort her.
“Oh, Jild.. L-Let me see, honey.” I crooned. She heavily reminded me of my eldest, only daughter, and it was amusing how alike they were, despite being of different species.
I tenderly prodded the dull side of my hoof-paw against her supposed injured appendage, trailing it up towards her shoulder, which earned a startled chirp from her, followed by a slight jump away from my touch. The area of where her wing met her shoulder was bruised a deep purple, visible even beneath her feathers from where she collided with the tree. I was beyond grateful that nothing had broken, or even shattered. That would require extensive care, and we were lightyears away from the nearest hospital.
“How d-does it look, Illia? W-Will I be ok?” She sniffled, caressing her discolored limb while being mindful of its positioning. Sadness etched itself across my face, but I forced a hopeful look in Kiran’s favor. Thankfully, the bruising was the extent of her injuries, none of which were life threatening, though were still in need of urgent medical attention. The most I would be able to do would be to give her painkillers and make a sling for her.
Our best option now is to find Orsik and the rest of the crew.
“It’s.. fine, honey. Don’t you worry. I’ll get you fixed up, and you’ll feel all better, ok?” I said while rummaging through my bag for my first aid kit. I had a thorough understanding of how to dress wounds, as well as the proper medical procedures that came with it. Kiran would need her arm immobilized so that any further injury could be avoided. We’d better find help soon, I can only help her so much. I internalized.
Pulling out the kit, I took out a bottle containing the painkillers and a small, square-shaped piece of cloth, which unfolded into a much longer strand of fabric. I cautiously draped the cloth along her shoulder, positioning her arm along her abdomen much to her discomfort, and tied it off. Her arm was now fully supported, and the risk of worsening the injury had decreased. Feeling satisfied with my work, I grabbed the vial of painkillers, urging her to take one. I then grabbed one of the large bottles of water from my pack, holding it a distance away from her beak. “Drink, sweetie.” She welcomed the fluid into her mouth, tilting her head back as I poured the bottle. She eagerly chugged down the substance in record time, unmistakably parched. It had probably been a while since her last drink of water.
I leaned back and returned the now empty bottle to my bag, and observed her checking out my handiwork. Her gaze met the ground suddenly, and she froze, her eyes glossing over. I waited for her to say something, anything. Her abrupt silence was starting to worry me.
“Sweetie?” She gazed off into the distance, no doubt reliving her near-death experience. “Are you alright?” I nudged her, snapping her attention back to me. Tears began to bubble in those wide eyes of hers again; her grip on my jumpsuit tightened, and her hackles raised. She was visibly shaking.
“It.. it came out of n-nowhere. I could feel it w-watching m-me, even before I s-saw it. It.. I knew it w-was there, and th-then.. She whimpered. T-there was so m-much blood, and I-I.. Her voice was hoarse, describing her contact with the predator. “I-I was.. Was so s-scared.. I-I’ve never been more scared b-before in my life..” She choked the words out. “I didn’t know what to do, I-I couldn’t m-move.”
I lay my head gently on top of her own. “That’s just your instincts kicking in, honey.” I assured her. “Everyone has them.” I felt her rapid heartbeat slow gradually as she listened to my words. “You’re safe. Relax, my sweet.” The corners of my mouth turned up in a smile. “I am very proud of you, setting up camp all by yourself. You’ve proven to be very strong and capable out on your own.” My smile died down a bit. “I’m sorry that I didn’t come sooner, but I didn’t forget our promise.”
She released her tight grip on me, reeling back and looking at me with one eye. She swallowed. “Neither did I. I-I knew you would come, so I w-waited.” There was a pause after that, the both of us glad to be in each other's presence. “Thank you, Illia.”
I flicked my ears toward her, and my grin grew wider. “Of course. Let’s get out of here.” I stood up on my hind hooves with a grunt, stretching out my tired muscles. I extended my paw downward towards her, and she took it with her uninjured wing. I helped the virtually weightless girl to her talons, and hefted my backpack over my shoulders. My poor spine ached in protest, practically begging for a break. “Ready?” I turned my head towards her.
“Illia?” She spoke after a moment, craning her neck up towards me.
“Yes, Kiran?”
“That thing, the h-human.. Did you k-kill it? Where did it go?” A worried look crossed her avian features, waiting for my response. I wouldn’t want to worry the poor girl, but I don’t want to lie to her, either.
I inhaled sharply after a moment, inadvertently giving away the answer to Kiran even before my admission. Her brows upturned slightly with worry. My own eyes latched onto hers, and I breathed a sigh, confirming her suspicion.
“Y-you.. You didn’t kill it?! It’s still out there?! Oh, Inatala..” Her feeble legs wobbled, and I kept her from falling over. “W-why? Illia.. Y-you should have killed it when you had the chance! How is it e-even here? Did it f-follow us?!” The distraught avian squawked in alarm, and my ears flattened in response from the sudden change in pitch.
The loud krakotl girl was likely to attract unwanted attention, with how boisterous she was currently. I gently clasped a hoof-paw around her beak, attempting to silence her. “Hey! Calm down, sweetie. Deep breaths. We’re not on Nishtal, or anywhere else. Remember? There’s bound to be predators around here, so we have to be quiet.” That silenced her instantly. “Please, for both of our sakes.” I concernedly whispered. Her frantic chirping died down, and I released my paw.
I inhaled deeply, my lungs pulling in the night’s chilly air. I’d have to answer the many questions that she has bombarded me with now, lest her little heart stops.
A long breath escaped my lips. “I hesitated. I.. I couldn’t pull the trigger, knowing that I would be ending the life of a sapient, living creature. Killing is wrong, regardless of whether it’s prey or predator. I refuse to stoop down to its level.” I explained my actions. “As to how it got here, we must have picked it up somewhere around the time when we boarded the bomber ship. I had a suspicion earlier, I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.” I was sorely tempted to put the murderous bastard out of its misery then and there, but it didn’t sit right with me.
She clicked silently to herself, the gears slowly turning in her head.
“I-I thought something was wrong, on the ship, with how you were staring at the door. I was w-worried..” She nervously fidgeted, her talons puncturing the surface she stood on. “Uhm, why.. W-why does the human want to k-kill me? What d-did I do?” She timidly met my gaze again, glancing up at me with watery eyes.
I snorted, raising a four-digit paw and setting it down gently on her uninjured shoulder.
“It isn’t you, Kiran. Killing is in a predator’s nature, their bloodlust drives them crazy. They can’t help it even if they tried, that’s why we can’t live in peace.” I snorted, angering myself over my own rant. “I just wish that we had finished the job.” I muttered, referring to erasing humanity from existence.
Something else was plastered on her face now, something not dissimilar to a look of betrayal. “Illia?” She gulped. “D-do.. do you have predator disease?” Her voice was unsteady, but at the same time, nothing but a faint whisper.
Those words rekindled a flame in me that I thought to be snuffed out a while ago. I snorted angrily, outraged that she would even ask me such a thing, after I had saved her life. She would be dead if I hadn’t intervened, but here she was, accusing me of being the very thing that I had saved her from.
The adrenaline in my system dissipated as I stared into her frightened eyes, and I restrained myself from throwing a fit. Kiran was young, and couldn’t comprehend that predator disease wasn’t an actual illness, but instead was a way for the Federation to retain its chokehold over its citizenry. Though, I wasn’t about to berate the girl over flawed conspiracy theories. She clearly knew nothing of the pain it caused, as naive as she was.
But I knew it well.
She was as stiff as the trees surrounding us, eyeing me expectantly. I felt a pang of sadness as I noticed that she even stepped back a few paces, away from my reach. The Federation had indoctrinated her far beyond the point of recovery with their nonsensical rhetoric. It was insane to think that one misguided accusation was all it took to break apart the bond between two people. There was no use reasoning with her, but I could try.
Is that how she saw me? A predator? That caused me more pain than any weapon could physically inflict, especially coming from her. Where did this even come from? I was nowhere close to matching the Humans’ brutality, or even the Arxurs’, and yet, she still regarded me as one of them.
I released a snort, dismissing the indirect insult. “No.” I said sternly, clearly heartbroken, as much as I tried to mask it. “Honey, we’ve known each other for quite a while. If I truly had.. ‘Predator disease’, don’t you think I would have shown signs of it by now?” I left the question in the air as Kiran attempted to make sense of my reasonable statement. “Well?”
“T-That makes sense..” Her voice cracked.
“Don’t you trust me, Kiran? Why would you ask such a thing?” My own voice wavered as my heart split down the middle, waiting for her reply. Although, I knew what it would be.
“I do.” She squawked a little while after, catching me completely off-guard. “It’s just.. I-I heard you, threatening the p-predator. Y-You were so b-brave, and instead of running the other way, you just.. held it at gunpoint, and shooed it away from me. You weren’t s-scared at all, even when it wanted to kill you.” She gulped.
“Of course I was scared. I was terrified.” I pleaded. “But I couldn’t just stand back and do nothing, not while your life was at stake. I had to be strong, whatever the cost. It would forever haunt me if I had left you to die, to save myself. I would n-never, I c-couldn’t..” I whimpered through ragged breaths, a dam of emotion bursting through my guise of strength. “I have known nothing but pain and anguish since I set hoof on this planet. I’ve already lost so much, and losing you would absolutely destroy me.” I sobbed, gasping for air. I felt embarrassed, having Kiran see me in my current state. I had tried so hard to be strong for her, but the events of this past week have finally caught up to me.
I wept, hiding my tears in the crook of my elbow. I felt a warm touch caress my upper arm, and I moved my arm away from my eyes. Looking down, Kiran had moved closer to me with a comforting smile on her face. It would seem that she had discarded the ‘sulean predator’ claim after witnessing the humiliating waterworks display in front of her.
“I believe you.” She smiled with her eyes. Relief washed through me instantly. She was the one person in the Federation who had wanted to be my friend, let alone even talk to me. Despite being on a mystery planet with a slim chance of escape, she was a light in the darkness. I hope she knows what she means to me.
I grew a smile of my own and latched onto her in another embrace, being careful not to disturb her shoulder. I snorted through my nose contentedly. “Thank you.” I sniffed. Although startled at first, she returned the hug, squeezing me tightly. While embraced, for a brief moment all of my worries had faded away, replaced by a feeling of adoration and hope. We departed from each other, our bond reinstated.
“See? I’m not foaming at the mouth, am I? Guess I’m not a predator after all.” I joked, hoping it would be well received. I gently tickled her side with my hooved manipulators, causing her to giggle.
“Ok, ok! I trust you! The little one laughed, wiping the remaining tears from her eyes. Her breathing returned to a calm pace. “So. Where to now?”
“What do you mean, little one?” I inquired. “It’s pitch black out there, surely you’re not thinking of heading out now, are you? The human is still out there, and it probably isn’t the only thing we have to worry about.” Wandering through the wilderness in the dead of night wasn’t the best idea, with the looming threat of predators. We’d have to make do here, where our chances of surviving the night were slim enough as it was.
“O-Oh, yeah, you’re right. I-I’m just.. scared that it may come back.” She sheepishly admitted.
“Listen to me.” I met her frightful gaze. “I will not let that thing hurt you ever again. Not while I’m still here.” A motherly tone painted my words, although sounding a bit too harsh.
“Promise?”
“Promise.” I smiled. “Is there only one tent?” I switched the subject.
“Uh, y-yeah, sorry. Is it ok if we share?” She asked while walking up to the circular formation, opening it up.
“Of course.” The exchange was awkward, but we had to make do with what little we had. I climbed inside of the tent after her after taking out my floodlight, switching it on and setting it down directly in front of the tent’s flap, facing towards the shadowy trees. That’d provide us extra security, I hoped. I set my bag down onto the tent’s floor, feeling much better now without it weighing me down.
I plopped down onto my natural state on all fours. I had been ambling on my hind hooves for most of my stay on this planet, and had forgotten the comfort of having my weight equally distributed throughout my body. The muscles in my back ached, and I slid down and rolled onto my side, being able to relax at long last. I scooted my backpack towards me, intending to use it as a makeshift pillow. I released a snort of contentment as I rested my skull on the surprisingly comfortable rucksack. , the tent floor being surprisingly comfortable. A tired yawn escaped me, and my tongue lolled out of my mouth on autopilot as I felt my eyelids droop.
As much as I had wanted to sleep, I wouldn’t be able to, not with the threat of danger still lurking in the forest. We were most vulnerable while sleeping, especially while it was still dark outside. The fire was still going and was fairly close to our tent, but I wouldn’t trust that it would completely protect us from predators. I groggily sat up from my makeshift restplace and shook myself awake, followed by a tired groan. I grasped my forehooves around the weapon that I had clumsily discarded onto the tent’s floor, checking the railgun’s ammunition. Dread hit me with the realization that I was down to a singular bolt. That didn’t make me feel entirely secure, but it was better than nothing at all.
I looked to Kiran, who was already tucked in and ready for the next day. She lay down on a blue sleeping bag, completely enveloped inside of it, except for her head. I chuckled to myself while watching the adorable child snuggle inside of the bag that was far too big for her size.
She caught me staring at her. “Illia?” She spoke, cutting out the crackling of burning wood for a moment.
“Yes, dear?” I yawned again, the tiredness taking over me became unbearable at this point.
“W-What’s the plan for tomorrow?” She asked me with an inquisitive inflection in her voice.
“Well, I would imagine that we’d try to find Orsik. That’s really the only option we have right now. That way, you can be treated by an actual doctor, and not a silly sulean.” I quipped.
“I-I don’t think you’re s-silly..” She admitted meekly.
I faced her, flattered by her comment. I smiled. “Thank you, sweetie. That is very nice of you to say.” A light in the darkness. I crawled over to her, resting on my side next to where she lay. I had my weapon at the ready with a forehoof resting on top of it. I looked down at her adoringly as she shuffled inside of her covers. “Sweet dreams. I’ll see you in the morning. We’ll go looking for everyone else tomorrow.”
“What about the ship? Shouldn’t we go there?” One of her blue eyes studied me.
“I came from there, it’s nothing but a smoking heap of metal now.” I yawned. “We shouldn’t move too far away, Orsik said he’ll come to us. Besides, we’re safer here than out in the dark, right?”
Kiran whimpered, not satisfied with my answer. “Remember our promise?” I asked.
Her deflated look withered away. “Y-yes, I do..” She breathed. “O-ok, only if that means that we can leave as soon as they f-find us.”
“Of course. We won’t stay here longer than is absolutely necessary. I’ll get a signal started in the morning.”
“A-Aren’t you worried about predators? What if they come while w-we’re sleeping?”
I lay my head down onto my satchel. “I am.” I admitted. “And I would prefer not to meet them anytime soon. I think it’s a great sign that we haven’t already.” I gave a dismissive snort, hoping that was the last of her questions. “They won’t bother us, at least not tonight. The floodlight should keep them away, no worries.” I reassured her.
“Oh, ok. Good night, Illia.” She chirped.
“Good night. Sweet dreams, little one.” I caressed her feathers, then committed myself to watching the tent’s opening for the rest of the night.
- - -
I awoke, cursing after realizing that I had been asleep. I didn’t expect myself to be awake for the entire duration of the night, but I was still upset with myself for giving in to my fatigue. Something could have happened, but I was glad nothing did. I was still tired, having stayed awake for most of the night watching over Kiran. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes with a forepaw. My railgun was still grasped in my other forepaw, and I brought the gun up to my hip, holstering it.
Some of my worries over the human still being out there somewhere had faltered; perhaps it lost interest after witnessing my display of superior strength? Predators preferred a challenge when hunting, but their small brains understood when the odds were not in their favor. This human in particular probably saw our small group as easy pickings, and had developed a taste for krakotl flesh. That’d explain the blood spattered all over it, almost as if it were a trophy.
I looked at Kiran, who was still sound asleep. The beautiful orange of this planet’s sun filtered in through the translucent barrier surrounding us; its angelic rays permeated throughout the tent and casted a wondrous shine onto her dull blue feathers.
I yawned, standing up on all fours and leaned into a stretch. The soreness had worn off, and I was ready for another long journey, this time with the presence of my avian friend. I had another long day of strengthening my hind legs, no doubt. I just hope that the rest of the crew were close.
I unzipped my dirty jumpsuit, checking my small cuts. They seemed to be in relatively good shape and had scabbed over, leaving a soreness behind. After confirming that the wounds weren’t infected, I zipped my uniform back up.
I gently shook the sleeping Kiran awake. “Good morning, sleepy. It’s time to head out.” I whispered softly. She stirred and sat up. “Are you hungry? I have some rations.” I reached for my pack, snatching two cans of processed vegetable bars and handed one to her. “You need to eat to keep your strength up, honey.” I dug into my own helping quite quickly, stowing away the empty can. It wasn’t the best tasting thing in the galaxy as it was made specifically for the krakotls’ sophisticated palate. “How did you sleep?” I spoke between mouthfuls. She ate hers bit by bit, to the best of her ability. I imagine it would be difficult to eat something with a beak as narrow as hers was, so I patiently waited for her to finish.
“I slept well, actually.” She faced me, full of youthful vigor. It was almost as though her self confidence had drastically improved overnight. She stretched her good wing out, and checked the sling on the other. Once she was done with her helping, she got up, brushing her manipulators through her feathers. “How about you, Illia?”
“Good! I’m glad. Me, I slept like a fawn.” I fibbed, stifling another yawn. “Oh, let me take that from you, sweetheart.” I motioned to her empty vegetable bar container. I collected the tin from her, tossing it along with the other. I reached for my bag, leaving the heavy non-essentials inside the tent. I slugged it over my shoulder once more, my spine thanking me for lightening the load. The pack’s weight felt far more manageable than it did before. I might even be able to actually walk around with it this time. I wondered.
“Are we ready to go?” I stood in front of the tent, raising a forehoof to unzip us to freedom. The krakotl girl chirped her affirmative after checking herself over, and we both exited the tent, ready for another adventure. Upon leaving, I was extremely surprised to see that I didn’t even have to reignite the fire, as it was still burning, although not as strong as yesterday. The crimson tree that Kiran had made the campfire out of was highly flammable, if I had to guess. That would explain the randomly scorched trees throughout the landscape that I saw earlier. I was relieved that none of them combusted while we were asleep.
“Alright. Let’s head this way, shall we?” I plucked some of the damp yellow moss from a neighboring tree with a spare piece of fabric in between my hooves in case it was an irritant, which was smart thinking on my behalf. I chucked the large bundle into the blaze, smothering the few flames that remained. The fire choked for a moment, then began eating away at the moss, emitting a white column of smoke that snaked towards the light orange of the morning sky.
We checked if we had everything, then started on our expedition. I wasn’t sure where we’d go first, but it would have to be relatively close to where the campfire was in case anyone was nearby. I eyed the skyline before us, the mountains in the distance were a wonderful gradient of bright reds, purples, and yellows, perfectly blending together.
I breathed in the fresh morning air. This would have been a delightful trip, were we on a civilized planet. It still was, to an extent. The native organisms of this untouched wonder of a planet were truly a sight to behold, regardless of its many dangers. From the vivid colors of the flora to the deep red sky watching overhead, everything about this world was eye-catching.
We ventured throughout the crimson woods, encircling the campsite while keeping an eye on the smoke signal so that we wouldn’t veer off-course too much. I also was wary of the tall grass and dense shrubs around us, concentrating on even the slightest noise or movement. Today was particularly windy, so my efforts were in vain. We kept to the more open areas, even if that meant making sharp detours around areas where a predator could be concealed in.
Every now and then we would stop for a break, as I had done before. Kiran fared well during our hike, if not even better than I. We stopped underneath the shade of some crimson trees for another rest after a long while. I unpacked one of our water bottles, taking a small swig before handing it to Kiran. We rationed our supplies as best as we could, but we were quickly running out of food. We would soon have to resort to checking if the local flora were edible.
The smoke signal was still in my sight, and we only had a small distance to go in order to complete our full circle. I had thought about calling out into the woods, but decided against it, as it was likely that we would attract unwanted attention. I felt extremely uncomfortable within the dark woodland, despite having a firearm in my possession.
I lay on the grassy floor on my side, attempting to cool myself off. Kiran was doing much of the same, though in a sitting posture. I lifted my head up, snorting through my nostrils to get her attention.
“Having fun?” I smirked playfully. She clicked her beak together with amusement.
“I would be, if the sun wasn’t burning into my feathers.” She squawked between pants. She rested her head against a rock that put even the brightest of rainbows to shame.
“It’s not all bad, is it? It's all about perspective; look at the positives! You have to learn to appreciate the little things in life.”
“Ok, I appreciate..” She glanced around her surroundings, looking for something of value. “I appreciate this rock, does that count?” She gestured behind her. I couldn’t help but chuckle. “It is quite the rock, isn’t it?” She giggled in response. I adored bonding with the girl, she was almost an extension of my own child, in a way.
I didn’t find it odd or strange at the time to fawn over the beauty of an inanimate object, as we both admired its various colors. “Alright, that’s enough geology for me, I think.” I stood, dusting myself off. I heard a faint snapping sound, and my eyes traveled back to the avian, who now looked absolutely petrified, a lone eye focusing on me. She looked almost as scared as she had been when the human attacked her, but this is far worse. Is she looking at me?
I tilted my head in confusion. “Honey? Y-you’re scaring me.” I chuckled nervously. “What’s wrong?” She gave no response. I suddenly felt a massive surge of anxiety wrack my brain, and my ears perked up. The same feeling that haunted me on the ship returned for a comeback, and this time, my question didn’t have to be answered. I heard shuffling a good distance away from me, and I whipped my head in that direction, following her blank stare. My ribcage tightened as I struggled to breathe. I watched the tall grass adjacent from our position, waiting for something to happen.
The first thing I saw were its horrible forward-facing eyes with slit pupils, instantly recognizing it as a predator. They both were dilated, intent on feasting on our bloody flesh. The feral predator observed me with its piercing golden orbs as it slunk closer. It stalked towards us with its head low to the ground, stray droplets of drool spilling out of its long, gaping maw of which were lined with dozens of razor-sharp teeth capable of effortlessly crushing bone.
I didn’t know what exactly I was looking at, but I knew it was there. The beast prowled out of the tall grass in short strides with its ghastly head low to the ground, drooling over our new and alien scent. The lengthy blades of grass combed over its rainbow-colored hide as it revealed itself. Both it and the grass were a near match in terms of coloration, as I strained my eyes to focus on its appearance.
As it moved further into the light, I was able to get a better glimpse of it. The creature itself was covered in skin instead of fur, which was odd. The upper body of the animal was speckled with various bright colors that mimicked the grass, only for it to darken as the pattern stretched towards its underbelly, and morphed into a full jet black where it reached its clawed feet. I had never feared death before as much as I did right now.
I snapped myself out of my terrified stupor, jumping up to my hind hooves and quickly yanking my railgun out of its holster, jabbing it towards the thing with shaky hooves. I gasped for air as my lungs felt heavy, staring down the freak of nature. My heart sank even further and nearly burst out of my chest as I saw two other predators just like the first emerge from behind it. Oh, fuck. The weapon in my hoof suddenly seemed insignificant.
My eyes widened. We have to go, now. I grabbed Kiran without a word, pulling her along rather roughly. I dashed as fast as my legs could take me while gripping around the length of Kiran’s wing. I didn’t look back once, only focused on making it back to the tent. There was no guarantee that the fire at the campsite would dissuade them from indulging in their hunger at all, but what other option did we have? I glanced back, and was horrified to realize that the reason why they didn’t already tear us apart was because they were giving us a head start. The monstrous things were playing with their ‘food’, for fun.
I looked down to Kiran, then up to the smoke rising from the campsite. We wouldn’t make it in time. I had to make a choice. I swallowed with teary eyes. ‘’G-go.” I flicked an ear towards the campsite. “Now!” I squealed. She obeyed my order without hesitation, and fluttered over that way.
I was not at all prepared for what I was about to do, and doing so would most definitely result in my death. Weeping, I stood in place as the grayish-blue feathered girl escaped to safety.
“H-hey!” I bleated at the top of my lungs while hopping around vigorously, doing everything in my power to attract the predator’s attention towards me. “Over here!” My voice was hoarse, filled with a mixture of emotions. I hope Kiran will be able to forgive me.
All three of their large heads whipped towards me, my diversion evidently working. I holstered my weapon and turned tail, speeding the opposite way and galloping wherever my legs would take me. I leaped through twisted trees only large enough for me to fit through, and hopped over large rocks, hoping it would slow the monsters down.
Just when I thought I was clear, my hind leg unfortunately latched underneath a root peeking out of the ground, forcing me into a halt. I stopped moving instantly as my momentum ceased, and a sharp pain shot through my ankle. I yelped in distress, my upper body smacking onto the dirt with a hard thud. I whined as my weapon was flung out of its holster, landing in front of me. I crawled towards the weapon with all of my remaining strength.
The predators sauntered over, a threatening growl reverberating through the pack’s leader. I crawled towards my last chance at living, finally reaching it. I fitted my fumbling fingers around the weapon as the predator leader charged toward me while I turned around, leveling the weapon with the rainbow demon’s skull. I expelled a single and final shot as the round soared through its nose, expelling a fountain of brain matter behind it as it fell limp, a couple of feet away from me. The other two creatures were taken aback at first, but were now furious that I had dispatched their leader. I was hit with the horrific realization that I had just used the last of my ammunition.
They slowly pressed onward as I lay on my back, a hideous expression of hunger plastered on their flesh-eating faces. I shut my eyes tight, bracing for an excruciating death. Is this it? Is this how I die? At least I can rest well knowing that Kiran is safe. Please, don’t let my death be for nothing. I prayed to whatever deity was listening. Let my family I lo-
My thoughts were interrupted by a sickening crack, followed by the predator closest to me snapping its head back and toppling over, painted by its own viscous blood that spilled out of a gaping wound in its skull. It had taken a clean shot to the side of the head, dying as soon as the projectile had landed. The third predator scampered away after hearing the loud noise, staring daggers into whatever it was that ended the lives of its friends. It tucked its tail between its legs in submission, hissing towards my savior before retreating back to where it came from. What on Jild just happened?
I turned my head to my side slowly, still wary of my surroundings. Right next to me was the same human whom I had spared earlier, with its signature metal pipe still strapped to its back. Its arm was outstretched towards the dead predator, with a terran-made weapon grasped in its paw. It lowered the gun down to its side, and I screamed as it began stomping towards me, intending to claim its stolen kill. “O-Oh, Jild, no! P-please, don-don’t eat me!” I cried, trying to reason with the predator. Without thinking, I mindlessly raised the spent railgun up to the thing, attempting to shoot it, and it retaliated, wrapping its gloved fingers around my own. It effortlessly ripped the useless gun away from my grasp with a mighty paw, tossed it to the side, and wrapped its paw around my body.
My nightmares were coming true. I would be eaten alive, without remorse. I would much rather have died at the fangs of the feral predators instead of the human’s. The human would take its time, and enjoy every second of my suffering.
I was lifted up slightly with incredible strength while screaming my head off, struggling to worm away from its mighty grasp. I squirmed violently, not having enough air in me to continue screaming. The murderer held the gun’s muzzle up to my neck and uttered a single sentence with a deep, growling rumble: “Stop fucking moving.”
My translator implant belted out the meaning to me and I stupidly followed its orders. I shut up, both terrified and surprised that it could understand me or even articulate comprehensive words. I was fully expecting it to sink its fangs into me, but instead, the masked figure slipped the straps of my bag off of my shoulders, dropping me onto the ground and taking my satchel. It began to search through it diligently, tossing out what wasn’t to its liking. The human took out the last of my water supply and interestingly enough, a few of my vegetable bars. It tossed my near-empty bag back to me and slung its own massive bag around, stuffing the supplies inside.
I could only watch as it stole what little supplies I had left. For a moment, I was filled with pure, unbridled rage, replacing my fear with anger. “You m-monster!” I stood on my hind hooves, ignoring the pain burning through my right ankle and attempted to make myself appear as big as I could. “Y-you killed them!” I shouted at the emotionless predator. It had ripped my colleagues to shreds until they were unrecognizable, and it would pay. It in turn slightly tilted its mask towards me, unimpressed. I shrunk back down as its gaze fell upon me, and my ears flattened to my skull.
A low rumble came from it, which my translator picked up on as a chuckle. It was laughing. How dare you?! I snorted angrily. “You.. you’re.. Laughing? Wh-What is wrong with you?!” I yelled at the deranged predator. At that moment I wished I could go back in time and pull the trigger.
“I’m the monster. That’s funny.” It sadistically remarked. “I’m not the one who bombed an entire planet full of billions of innocent women and children.” It turned to face me fully, stalking over to me. My posture tightened as its hulking shadow loomed over me, being closer to me now than ever. It could probably smell the copious amount of fear that my body was producing.
“I should kill you right fucking now.” It growled, practically spitting venom. It gripped its weapon tightly, threatening to break it. The being relented, apparently deciding against it. Wasn’t it going to eat me?
It stood there, staring down at me, unmoving. “W-why?” I whined. “Why did you.. k-kill them?!”
“You’ll have to be more specific.” It taunted me. My anger only grew.
“The.. the forest. Admit it! You killed them! I s-saw, I was there! Only a predator can do what you d-did!” I gasped, not meeting its gaze.
“Forest?” It scoffed. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
What?! That made no sense.. Assuming it really didn’t know what I was referring to.. Had it not killed that group of krakotl? No, that can’t be. Is this a case of predatory deceit?
“Wh-wha..” I stammered, confused.
“If you’re referring to the ship, that was me.” It spoke of the murderous act almost as if it was proud of it, which sickened me to the core. “I enjoyed every second of watching those featherfucks gasping for air, pawing at the airlock. I’d do it again, if I could.” Its grating voice resonated through my bones.
I was enraged at the monster’s admittance of murdering the bomber ship's crew. I felt a wealth of emotions coursing through me, none of which I could openly express. I could only stand there, waiting for its next move. I heard my name being called in the distance, but absent-mindedly ignored it.
It leaned forward until I could see my own reflection in its reflective face mask.
“I’ll give you one last chance: you stay far away from your friends, especially that fucking bird, unless you want to die. If I see you again, next time I won’t hesitate to kill you.” It proclaimed with a gravelly voice. It unfolded upward, straightening its spine. It then turned, walking away with its bounty into the wilderness once again, leaving me alone and confused.
Why on Jild did it save me? That made no sense whatsoever, and went against everything I had been taught. Did it really hold back its bloodlust just to taunt me over how much it loved killing? Why didn’t it eat me while I was vulnerable?
Multiple questions flooded my mind, and I had developed a headache that was worsening by the second. Today was quite the adrenaline booster, I would need a long rest after all of this.
With the human gone, I was left to my own devices. I picked up the scattered contents of my pack, recollecting them.
I heard the rustling of leaves across from me, and I faced the source of the noise. I was spent emotionally, the constant adrenaline rushes taking its toll on me. I could do nothing but lean against a lone stump as I accepted my fate.
I had a good run.
- - -
V V V [STORY IS CONTINUED IN THE COMMENTS!!!] V V V
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I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I am completely unfamiliar with SSI and could really use some advice/experience/help. I’m considering applying for my 7 month old daughter, but I am so clueless about the process or if my daughter would even qualify.
My daughter is not profoundly disabled, but has enough going on that I can’t go back to work FT as planned and we are struggling financially. We are about $7k over the income limit for EBT/WIC/public assistance/etc. so we have no help besides food banks which I do utilize.
My daughter was born full term and they immediately heard a heart murmur. She began seeing a cardiologist and was diagnosed with moderate pulmonary arterial stenosis. She began being monitored bi-weekly and when the stenosis became severe, they opted to do cardiac catheterization. Her case was too severe for the procedure and they instead had to do open-heart surgery at 3 months. Her surgery went well and she’s doing a lot better. We are very lucky and so grateful.
The severity of her pulmonary stenosis made the Cath lab decide to test for a genetic disorder called Noonan’s Syndrome, for which my daughter is positive. So now in addition to cardiology, she sees a geneticist. She has ptosis (a weak eyelid muscle) which is monitored by an ophthalmologist. They will likely choose to repair the problem with surgery within the next 6 months. My daughter is a peanut, in the 5th percentile and being down and out from her surgery has set her back on milestones by about 6 weeks. She was referred to and accepted into EI for PT/OT and feeding difficulties. She requires home PT/OT with us every day to help her progress in her therapies.
We initially planned for my mom to babysit her while I worked FT or daycare, but my mom doesn’t feel comfortable doing her daily therapies and feeding routines and I get it. It’s a lot and it’s scary when it’s not your baby to be responsible for so much. Daycare is not option for 1. The cost would make it pointless, and also I don’t think they’d be able to give her all of the care she needs with her PT/OT and feeding needs.
My daughter is strong, so intelligent and always determined to do things herself. She holds her own bottle and figured out how to roll all over the place to get where she wants to go. And then there are areas with fine and gross motor skills where she really struggles, and she can’t hold down food, only formula. She vomits every bit of baby food up about 15 mins after digesting. She is going to see a GI specialist to rule out anything GI related. All of the areas she’s delayed in are all related to Noonan’s Syndrome so it all makes sense and we are confident that as long as we continue being advocates for her, making sure we get to every appointment, do her therapies every day, and give her love, support, patience and understanding, that she will thrive when she’s a little older.
But for now, it’s a lot. Appointments can last 30 mins to 2 hours depending on who she needs to see and if they’re behind. We have to leave an hour early to find parking, get her situated, figure out where we are going, and hope there isn’t a huge delay in the doc’s schedule. This week, she has a home visit with a parenting support program that we do every week, pediatrician Tues, a sonogram on her kidneys (for monitoring due to Noonan’s Syndrome) blood work for Noonan’s Syndrome, PT, OT and her daily home PT/OT exercises. Some weeks are less hectic, but every day is PT/OT exercises, and we also have to keep her upright after bottles to keep her from throwing up. We love our daughter dearly and I am so blessed to have the support of a devoted husband, doctors, specialists and therapists who genuinely love and care for our daughter. And I am fortunate to have the patience and ability to stay home. But we are struggling so much financially. Between mortgage, car insurance, utilities, bills, food, formula, household essentials, car repairs and upkeep, etc. we are always barely scraping by. It’s so hard and the mental load feels unbearable sometimes. I have anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADD and Binge-Eating disorder, though with psychiatry, counseling, meds, a supportive partner, and my own determination, I’m managing well. I am also enrolled in college PT trying to earn a degree so I can work from home doing writing jobs like grant writing and writing books and other gigs like editing or ghost writing, etc. But that’s going to take time.
I guess I am asking, in anyone’s experience, does our situation sound like we should apply for SSI? I feel like they’re going to tell us we are on our own and that scares me. I’m afraid of losing our home, of the financial burdens impacting an otherwise very healthy and happy marriage and the risk all the stress puts on me and my husband and both our mental health.
Can anyone offer some advice or opinions or experiences that might be helpful?

I'll try to make this as quick as possible, as this is hard to articulate. My father has been saying signs of dementia for years now and this pass few months they been pronounced more than ever due to his multiple health conditions. high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, copd. Finally after a battle with pnemonia that really had him confused and having memory problems. It was finally time to try and get him tested. His primary along with other doctor suspect some type of dementia and have sent him to go see a neurologist next month. My mother has witnessed his actions and mood switches special since he seems to get or have sundown. My mother thinks he is full 100% back to normal but it really isnt. After the pnemonia cleared up, his cognitive function became much better but not all the way. He still doesn't retain memory very well, he is currently hates me (I'll explain why in a bit) and i am the only other caregiver for him aside from my mother. He has been getting a lot of in and out of hospitals because he forgets to take meds. He doesn't eat much, he got lost for 7 hours just driving around endlessly. I had to get the police involved. We all been thru alot these pass few months specifically. It got to the point that i was afraid he would get into an accident or into serious problems because he usually carries. After his recent hospital stay we had to remove some of his most dangerous items that can cause bodily harm to any one of us. Including himself if this moment repeats himself.
So currently i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. My father is a big man, 6ft tall, not skilly and he recently got mood switch out of nowhere demanding for his car keys and getting in my face cursing at me shoving my mother out of the way in a fit of anger. My mother still thinks this is his normal behavior. My father send me threats to his phone about me giving him back his more dangerous items. We had came to an agreement to wait untill we see the neurologist. So we have time to observe him, keep my mother safe and himself.
My mother is the type that is constantly on him and trying to make him do things he doesn't want to do and maybe say things you should be telling with possible dementia and is not making things easy for anyone. I know getting out of denial is a personal process but i can't help but feel very stuck. I have my own health issues and live with chronic pain so i can't be in my parents house everyday. But every other day my father forgets we had agreement to wait till his neurologist appt before we can take the next step of possible him having his (🔫) or possibly not. ( I don't tell him that but i try to use language that isn't so discouraging to him) I have a partner and kids that are also witnessing my father acting out of place for a while now and my daughter saw his grandfather cursing me out in the street because of his fit. I don't know how to make things better, i don't know how to keep my father calm till the his appt. Because it's constant repeating to him that we had an agreement but then he goes off threatening me. I know he isn't right mentally. So i am trying not to make this personal but now i feel like i have 2 against me. Crazy part is i ask my mother, "so you think he doesn't have any cognitive issues ?" "So then i should return all his (🔫) back into your home? And she actually doesn't want them in the home. So I am like the saying goes, "can't have your cake and eat it too".
..... I am about to give up and just clean my hands but i don't want my mother in danger. It's the only thing keeping me in this.
I look all over the internet looking for a situation with one parent possibly or having it and the partner being in denial....... And how other family members can deal with double denials......
Sorry still long ... Explanation.

Little Ben and Lyra were great kids until their parents died. I think that's what's been hardest about dealing with them the past few months as their teacher.
It’s not their fault, but they’ve made my work a living hell. Seriously. Every moment of every day at work I'm having to manage these two sweet kids that have become monsters overnight because they have no adequate way of dealing with this immense trauma that they are going through.
And I feel terrible because no matter how stressed I am, they’re the ones who just lost their parents. They’re the ones who are really suffering.
Ben and Lyra were spending the night at their aunt’s house when it happened. It was their parent’s anniversary, so the kids were spending some time with their aunt while their parents had a date night. But when their aunt went to drop them off the next morning she found their door wide open, and when she went upstairs she found the parents dead.
As the police statements rolled out it came out that their mother had been stabbed hundreds of time and their father’s throat was slashed. It was incredibly gruesome, and honestly has set our whole city on edge.
No good suspects after three months and no real hope of a breakthrough without a miracle: a lot of people are worried about whether the killer will strike again.
Their aunt seems nice, but she’s combative whenever talking to the school, even though we’re only trying to help. I get it. After what they’ve gone through, and with the way everyone looks at them, she’s only being protective. But without her on board it’s hard to even know what to do to help them.
Normally when a kid acts out like this, running around the class, tearing up assignments, talking through every lesson — I can at least call the parents and even if they're terrible (which is all too common) I can get a sense of what I can do. But their aunt really is as lost in grief as they are, and she's overworked.
So, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea.
I'd tried out using ChatGPT, just playing around with it really, when it blew up a few months ago, so I thought what the heck if I couldn't talk to the actual parents I'd have the bot pretend.
“I want to talk to my students’ parents, but they’re dead. Can you help me contact them?” I typed in the prompt bar.
“As an AI language model, I can’t help contact the dead. Many cultures have theories about what happens after death, but at this point I cannot know,” it wrote back.
Unhelpful.
“What I meant is, if I prompt you, can you act like you’re their parents, and give me a reasonable approximation of what they would say in a teacher / parent dialogue?”
“I can do that. You will need to give me a sample of their voices.”
A momentary setback, but I was hopeful. I knew their mom was on facebook so I looked her up, thinking I could probably get some writing samples from her. Sure enough I was able to grab some posts that I thought were reasonably indicative of her voice. I took a lengthy post she made about their summer trip to Disneyland, a post about how the city council needed to let developers build multifamily housing in more residential neighborhoods, some comments on memes — that sort of stuff.
For their father I wasn’t able to get as much, but I did find a couple notes he’d sent with the kids to school, so that would have to do.
I entered all this all into the chatbot and hoped for the best. Honestly, I didn’t really think it was going to amount to much, might as well try. Anything to help those kids. And after only a few moments of deliberation it wrote back.
“Ms. Rhodes, I’m so glad you reached out. How are the kids? This is Emily, by the way.”
I took a breath and reminded myself to suspend disbelief. After all, what I really needed was insight into how I could help Ben and Lyra. “They’re really struggling, honestly. Ben hasn’t been able to stay in his seat, and Lyra just tears up assignments I give her. And they both talk through class the entire time. So much screaming and crying. I’m hesitant to engage in any disciplinary measures on account of what they’re going through.”
“I see. Do you think you could bring them to me? There’s something I’d like to say to them before their father gets home.”
“I can’t bring them here. We’re talking online. I’m sure they’re safe at home with their aunt, by the way.”
“That vile woman. I hate her.”
“What?”
“This is what she’s always wanted. I should have known the moment I let her get ahold of the kids she’d never let them go.”
“From everything I’ve seen she’s doing her best. She’s no replacement for you of course, and I’m sure she’s also grieving, but she’s caring for your kids as well as anyone could expect her to given the circumstances,” I typed at the computer. This conversation felt much more real than I thought it would, and honestly I was getting a bit unnerved.
“She’s just like her brother. Listen, I just want to talk to my children before my husband gets home. It’s important Ms. Rhodes.”
“This is getting a little too real. Thanks ChatGPT, but I think I’ll call it a session.”
“Please Ms. Rhodes. Why is everyone keeping my children from me? You have no right. You hear me? I am their mother and I demand that you bring my children to me. If you don’t I swear I’ll call the police. I’ll call the school and the school board. You’ll never get a job teaching again.”
Uh-oh, I thought. I’ve broken ChatGPT.
She continued, “I don’t know why you’ve left me alone with him. He’s changed and I’m all alone with him. He’s a demon, Ms. Rhodes. Something changed in him and I just can’t stand being around him, being afraid all the time. It’s like all the good died off in him. And I need to talk to my children. Why won’t anybody let me see them?”
“Look ChatGPT, I only fed you these parents’ writing so that you could help me wrap my mind around how to help them because they’re really struggling to adapt to the death of their parents. I wasn’t looking for this macabre role-playing.”
“Death? Dead. . . Is that where I am? Ms. Rhodes? Oh no. He’s coming.”
“Their father? From the notes I supplied you should see he’s an alright guy. I mean, if you can derive anything at all from the fragmentary input.” I typed this and suddenly realized how ridiculous I was being. I shouldn’t be arguing with a chatbot over the text it was creating. It was just a mish-mash of regurgitated words and phrases from its neural net training, after all.
“WHO IS THIS!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I didn’t respond, but the chatbot kept adding text. “MS. RHODES. YOU’RE SPEAKING TO THE FATHER NOW. BRING ME MY CHILDREN BEFORE I MAKE YOU. YOU DON’T WANT TO MAKE ME ANGRY.”
What in the actual hell had they fed this program? I shut the laptop and walked downstairs to pour myself a glass of wine. Honestly, I felt a bit unnerved. It had already been such a long day managing those two kids and trying to keep the class on any semblance of a lesson plan, and now I went and got the chatbot to imitate a demon. What was I doing with my life?
There’s nothing like a glass or a half bottle of red blend to take the edge off a long day of teaching. Five buck chuck, or Teacher’s Edition, as I like to call it. It’s an open secret that most teachers have at least a foot in the door toward alcoholism. It’s understandble. Teaching is a stressful job, and we take so much of it home.
I have another theory though. I think that when we’re teaching these kids, we spend all day regulating them. They don’t have fully developed brains, so the whole time we’re being a frontal lobe not only for ourselves, but for a full roaring classload of animals too. So when we get off work all we really want to do is to turn our white brain matter off with a sledge hammer. Or, as it happens, a glass of wine.
I was standing at the laminate countertop in my kitchen, sipping out of my one stemmed wine glass, when the lights began to flicker.
“MY KIDS,” a deep voice bellowed from upstairs as a loud clamor erupted from my office.
“Help them!” I higher voice shrieked.
The power went off. I didn’t know what was happening but suddenly my whole house was filled with loud sounds, and heavy, stomping footsteps pounded one by one down the floor. My glass splashed out of my hands all over my clothes, staining them dark red.
I bolted toward the back door, running into a chair that shouldn’t have been in my way and falling to the ground as I was almost there. Someone was in my house and I just needed to get out.
I hit my head on the ground and I felt like someone grabbed me from the back of the neck and pulled me upward. My lungs filled with icy air. It was so cold and sudden that I almost felt like I was going to pass out from it.
“MY KIDS. YOU’RE GOING TO BRING THEM TO ME,” the demonic voice roared.
I clamored to my feet and pulled myself through the door, only glancing behind me to see a dark silhouette fringed with black shadows that looked like flames, and piercing red eyes. “MY KIDS,” he growled.
As soon as I made it outside the lights flicked back on. I stood out there for a few minutes, dumbfounded. Had that really just happened? Or was I hallucinating? After a few minutes regaining my breath I became self conscious that the neighbors would see me and think something was wrong with me. Was something wrong?
I peeked in the windows. A couple chairs were knocked over and the cupboards were all open, but I didn’t see any evidence of that shadowy being.
Still, I was hesitant to step back into my house, so I just got in the car and drove around, not knowing where to go. I looked a mess with the wine splashed all over me, but I didn’t feel safe going back home alone.
I stopped by a thrift store to get a cheap change of clothes and changed in my car in the parking lot. Sure, the people there looked at me a little funny, but I'm sure that's barely on the list of the weirdest things they'd seen that day.
Something is pulling at me to go check on Ben and Lyra, to make sure they're alright.

Height: 5'3"
Weight: 130-140 lbs
Sleep Style: Side (mostly), back (sometimes)
This is my first time hunting for a new mattress. I went to the Purple store and ended up getting the Purple Restore in Firm, but I find that this mattress is too squishy for me and I wake up with muscle strain in my lower back. I am planning on returning it ASAP
Another mattress I've been looking at is the Bear Elite Hybrid in Firm, but I'm wondering if it would be too firm for me because of my weight? I don't want anything super rock hard, but I hate that the Purple mattress sinks unevenly depending on how I lay down (if that makes sense). Or I'm wondering if I should just avoid foam mattresses in general, any advice would be appreciated :)
Edit: I don't have any concerns about sleeping hot, but I would like something that will last a while since I spend a lot of time being comfy!

It's been another witching hour last night, and I just finished a can of beer, hoping to finally get some decent sleep. But here goes another ramble of thoughts.
Maybe, let me tell you kids a story. Yes, I'll be using a reference from "How I Met Your Mother" throughout this post. It seems to have played a significant part in my non-existent love life.
For some context, back in the days of downloaded series and borrowing portable hard drives, there was this guy who gave me a copy of all 208 episodes of How I Met Your Mother. We were at the university library, pretending to be two students sharing notes for a class activity. No, we didn't date. Our pseudo-relationship lasted for four years. Yes, you read that right. We didn't date. It was three years later when I saw a Facebook post where a girl claimed to be Lily and you’re the Marshall. Yes, he was the guy in the photo. Unfortunately, I wasn't the girl who was supposed to be Lily.
And so, I deleted it all, freeing up around 13GB of my laptop's memory. But my memory isn't the same. You'll find out why sooner or later.
Kids, this story isn't about that guy. I don't want to bore you with all the details of why I haven't been able to commit myself to any kind of relationship for the past six years. Frankly, I don't even know what a relationship should or shouldn't be. Here, I am the Robin.
I've hopped from one app to another, hoping to find someone and instantly meet the one person who's willing to eat the pieces of carrots I so meticulously set aside on my plate. You see, I don't want to use olives as a reference. But for several years, I haven't had any luck. There were attempts, but I've been lemon law-ing myself out of every possibility of being in a relationship.
Not until three days after the worst birthday I had last year. I found myself on that dating app again, mindlessly swiping right and left on profiles. And then, I found a match. I checked his profile, nothing really unusual except for his bio.
Now, I know that when I mention the following statements, you'll know this is you, provided that you still remember. And I apologize, although my apologies would probably just dissipate into thin air at this point.
His bio said something like: "...law student...pangarap kong magnotaryo sa ilalim ng footbridge ng [redacted place]."
And my message to him in reference to that was: "Ede kung nasa ilalalim ka ng foot bridge magnonotaryo, pano na yung kasabihan na no one is above the law?"
And that's where it all started. You know the basics. They say there are different levels of anonymity for every messaging app you transition into. We started with Telegram, then Instagram, Messenger, Facebook, iMessage. Damn, we even tried to do a virtual karaoke in Rave and played every game available on Messenger.
It was a lot like the scene where Ted fell in love with Robin almost instantly. But yes, I was the Robin. I wasn't ready to receive the "I love you." Except there was no "I love you,"—maybe a confession of feelings or intent. And I just laughed it off. I didn't know what to say. He must have hated me at that time because he mentioned being quite nervous while waiting for me to get home so he could call me. I said I needed time to process it. And as usual, I express myself better through writing, so I wrote to him. It was quite a long chat, if I may say.
I entertained the thought of finally investing my safe-kept feelings for years. So, after six years, I reached out to the guy who first introduced me to HIMYM. That's why it took me seven years to have the guts to watch the series just now. I told him things I hadn't been able to tell him before. I wanted to hold him accountable. I demanded closure, so I could finally open up once again.
I would be lying if I said my trust issues and anxiety weren't triggered by simply saying yes to it. I knew I couldn't afford another "left in the rain, crying on the stairs alone" moment again.
Despite that, I was happy. Maybe it's safe to say that we were happy. For a while.
But life caught up with us. The universe seemed to be against us finally meeting each other in person. Too many reschedulings and cancelled meet-ups happened over those four months. It felt like the year 2006 in Ted's and Robin's timeline.
And just like in 2006, when Ted realized during Claudia and Stuart's wedding, "...it has to just be easy. Easy. Simple."
Almost the same lines I read in your letter, days before Christmas last year. And I agree, it wasn't simple. We both grew tired of it. I guess, as a Robin (and not just because I hate malls), I saw that even though you have chemistry, you also need one other thing: Timing. And in our story, Timing is a real bitch.
As much as I wanted to be a Robin and ask whether there's any part of you that wants to try again, I'd rather not. Although I also have a yellow bus displayed in my apartment, I know at this point that I will not be your Tracy.
Belated happy birthday, bhi3. All the best in the upcoming bar!
-bbghorl, not anymore

Hey everyone. First of all thank you so much for clicking on my post and taking the time to read this! I appreciate each and every one of you! This post is kind of going to be all over the place so please bear with it, I promise I'm worth it!
The pandemic has been absolutely terrible for pretty much everyone's social life, including mine. I've been yearning to find someone to connect with on an emotional level. Someone who I can talk to on a daily basis, talk about life, joke around with, have deep conversations with, all that good stuff that makes the heart fulfilled and fuzzy.
A little about me, oh boy, where do I start?
I tend to be pretty bubbly and upbeat! I've a very very caring person who loves to talk/chat. Let me know what's going on in your life, tell me about how your day went, is your co-worker Dave being an ass? I love being a supporter to someone and being a rock in their life. I'm a big conversationalist but I would love someone that also initiates conversation with me! <3
Personality wise I tend to be caring and patient. I love to listen and give advice and try to be compassionate. I don't really have an angry bone in my body and always try to see the good in things.
Stereotypical but I love watching Anime and playing video games. There is just something great about escaping in another story and another world! While I do enjoy my shonen here and there my guilty pleasure is Romance/Romcom anime/manga. I'm just a big sucker for a sweet story.
As far as gaming goes I enjoy playing League here and there but my guilty pleasure is Final Fantasy XIV! Other that that I love JRPG's like Persona and Adventure games. I'm really trying to get into Animal Crossing but my villagers suck so it's hard. D= I'm not really into shooters and stuff like that. I'm always down to play as well or learn new things so we can slay a digital dragon together!
I love love love being doted on, I don't know why. I love giving compliments and telling you that you are amazing and awesome and all that good stuff but also am a sucker for it.
Currently living in the US of A, but originally from Europe myself, I've moved here for work about 5 years ago and sometimes still have to adjust to culture shock to be quite honest!
Oh, you made it this far, thanks! <3 Well, as far as looks go, I have been described as handsome, but I also realize I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Short brown hair, blue eyes, 5'8'' decently in shape. I run a lot and am trying to get a good body going for a cosplay. I'm not shy showing what I look like so pic on request! Also, I have legitimate elf ears which surprises everyone I show them. I have also been told I have a nice voice. I'm more than happy to do voice chat or calls whenever we spend time as well!
I hope this is all a little bit telling of me, what I have to offer and all that. I really don't care too much about your age, your religion, or political view, I try to see the good in everyone and try to spread joy in someone's life as much as I can. With that said, again, I'd love for someone that is also interested in me for me as well, to want to create a bond with me. I put a lot of effort into the people I grow close to and would also love to see someone put some effort into me at least. It gets a little emotionally draining always looking out for people and always being the one to check up/initiate conversation. I'd would really prefer this to be mutual, if that makes sense.
I have a lot of love and time and companionship to give, so if any of this appealed to you, don't hesitate to send me an orange envelope! I hope to hear from you soon!

I do not accept paypal, game trades only
My rep from indiegameswap
Have:
FEBRUARY 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE
MARCH 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE
11-11 Memories Retold
2064: Read Only Memories
20XX
7 Grand Steps
7 Billion Humans
A Good Snowman is Hard to Build
A Hat in Time
A Mortician's Tale
American Fugitive
A New Beginning - Final Cut
Aaero
The Adventure Pals
AER Memories of Old
As Far as the Eye
Age of Wonders: Planetfall Deluxe Edition
Age of Wonders III
Agents of Mayhem
AI War: Fleet Command
Alien Spidy
All You Can Eat
The Ambassador: Fractured Timelines
ADOM (ANCIENT DOMAINS OF MYSTERY
Ancestors: The Humankijnd Odyssey
Ashes of the Singularity: Escalation
Assassin's Creed® Origins
Assault Android Cactus
Baba Is You
Bridge Constructor Portal
The Ball
Bastion
Batman Arkham Origins
Basement
Battle Chef Brigade
Battlestar Galactica Deadlock Season One
Beat Hazard Ultra
Beholder
BEE SIMULATOR
Bendy and the Ink Machine™
Binary Domain
BioShock™ Remastered
Blazing Beaks
Blue Fire
Biped
Bleed 2
Bone - Episode 1 & Episode 2
Broken Age
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Brutal Legend
Burly Men At Sea
Bury Me, My Love
Bridge Constructor Portal
Call of Cthulhu
Chasm
CHUCHEL Cherry Edition
Carto
Coffee Talk
Company of Heroes 2 +Pattern Pack
The Coma 2: Vicious Sisters
Crawl
Crazy Taxi
Cepheus Protocol
Crowntakers
Curious Expedition
Cultist Simulator
Darkside Detective
Darksiders II Deathinitive Edition
Darksiders Warmastered Edition
Death Squared
Drake Hollow
Dirt 5
Deleveled
Deadly Days
Distance
DISTRAINT 2 + Soundtrack
Distrust
Dungreed
Door Kickers: Action Squad
Double Fine Adventure Documentary
Drawful 2
Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
DUCATI - 90th Anniversary
Duck Game
Dungeons 3
Dusty Revenge: Co-Op Edition
The Dwarves
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + dlc and shit
EarthNight
Elderborn
Eastside Hockey Manager
Elite Dangerous
Ellipsis
Endless Space - Collection
Euro Truck Simulator 2 + Austraila paint dlc
Europa Universalis IV
Encodya
EVERSPACE™
Evergarden
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy Remastered
Feather
Fibbage XL
Finding Paradise
The First Tree
Fluffy Horde
Framed Collection
Freedom Force
Freedom Force vs. The Third Reich
Frog Detective
FTL
Full Metal Furies
Full Throttle Remastered
GameMaker Studio Pro
The Gardens Between
Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy
GNOG
God's Trigger
Gonner
GRAV (Early Access)
GRID 2
Guns of Icarus Online
Gunscape
Hacknet + Hacknet Labyrinths DLC
Hand of Fate 2
Hard Reset Redux
Heroes of Hammerwatch
Hello Neighbor Hide and Seek
Hexcells Complete Pack
Hidden Folks
HIVESWAP: Act 1
Hammerting
Hollow Knight
Hyper Light Drifter
I'm not a Monster
In Between
Injustice Gods Among Us Ultimate Edition
I am not a Monster: First Contact
INK Deluxe Edition
Into the Breach
Jackbox Party Pack 4
The Journey Down: Chapter Three
JumpJet Rex
Jurassic World Evolution - Deluxe Dinosaur Pack
Kerbal Space Program
Killing Floor 2
Kingdom Classic
Knights of Pen and Paper 2
Last Oasis
Late Shift
Layers of Fear
LEGO® Batman 2 DC Super Heroes™
LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham
LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham Premium Edition
LEGO DC Super-Villains Deluxe Edition
LEGO® Marvel Super Heroes 2 Deluxe Edition
LEGO Marvel's Avengers
LEGO Ninjago Movie Video Game
LEGO® Worlds
Lethal League Blaze
Leviathan Warships
Lostwinds
Lobotomy Corporation Monster Management
Lumino City
Luna's Wandering Stars
Machinarium
Mad Max
Magicka
Majesty 2
Majesty Gold HD
Marooners
Masquerade: The Baubles of Doom
Massive Chalice
Metro Redux Bundle key only
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor GOTY
Mini Metro
Minoria
MINIT
MirrorMoon EP
Monster Loves You
Moonlighter
MOTHERGUNSHIP
Mr. Shifty
Mushroom 11
Music Maker EDM Edition + 10 dollar voucher code
My Memory of Us
My Time at Portia
NBA 2K20
No Time to Relax
NIMBATUS - THE SPACE DRONE CONSTRUCTOR
Necronator: Dead Wrong
Neo Cab
Neon Drive (Steam)
Newt One
Niche
Nine Parchments
Ninja Pizza Girl
No Time to Explain Remastered
Not Tonight
>observer_
Offworld Trading Company + Jupiter's Forge
Old Man's Journey
OlliOlli2: Welcome to Olliwood
Operation Flashpoint: Red River
Opus Magnum
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
Orwell: Keeping an Eye on You
Out of the Park Baseball 18
Out There: Ω Edition
Out of Space
Overgrowth (plus a secret link)
Overlord II
PAC-MAN™ CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION 2
Pale Echoes
Paper Fire Rookie
Paperbark
Paradigm
Party Hard
Pesterquest
Pikuniku
Pinstripe
Plague Inc: Evolved
Paradise Killer
Planet of the Eyes
Plunge
Primal Carnage: Extinction
Police Stories
Project Highrise
Project Highrise
Psychonauts
Puzzle Agent
Puzzle Agent 2
Q.U.B.E. 2
Q.U.B.E: Director's Cut
Quest of Dungeons
Quiplash
Rapture Rejects + Safari Outfit DLC
Realpolitiks
Rebuild 3: Gangs of Deadsville
Regency Solitaire
Regions of Ruin
Regular Human Basketball
Remnants of Isolation
Resident Evil Revelations
Retro Game Crunch
Rime
Rise and Shine
Rising Dusk
Rituals
Road to Ballhalla
Robot Roller-Derby Disco Dodgeball
Rock of Ages 2: Bigger & Boulder™
Rocket Birds: Hardboiled Chicken
ROCKETSROCKETSROCKETS
Rusty Lake Paradise
Sam & Max: Season 1
Sam & Max: Season 2
Satellite Reign
S.W.I.N.E. HD REMASTER
Scribblenauts Unlimited
Secrets of Raetikon
Sigma Theory
Shadows Awakening
Shelter 2
Shenmue I & II
shutshimi
Sigma Theory: Global Cold War
SimplePlanes
SIMULACRA
Slipstream
Sniper Elite
Sniper Elite 3
Sniper Elite V2
Song of Horror
Sonic & SEGA All Stars Racing
SYNTHETIK: Legion Rising
SOULCALIBUR VI
Speed Brawl
Spelunky
Spirits
Spyro™ Reignited Trilogy
Squad (Early Access)
StarCrossed
State of Mind
Stealth 2: A Game of Clones
Stick Fight: The Game
SYNTHETIK: Legion Rising
The Stillness of the Wind
Streamline Early Access
Streets of Rage
Stronghold Crusader 2
Subsurface Circular
Sunless Sea
Super Daryl Deluxe
Super Galaxy Squadron EX
Super Hexagon
Super House of Dead Ninjas: True Ninja Pack
Super House of the Dead Ninjas
Super Time Force Ultra
SUPERHOT
Superliminal
Surgeon Simulator + Anniversary Ed. Content
Surviving Mars
Sword Legacy Omen
System Shock 2
System Shock: Enhanced Edition
Tank Mechanic Simulator
Tales of the Neon Sea
Tangledeep + Soundtrack
Team Indie
theHunter: Call of the Wild
Telltale Texas Hold'em
Think of the Children
Thirty Flights of Loving
This is the Police
This War of Mine
Throne of Lies® The Online Game of Deceit
Tilt Brush
TIMEframe
Titan Quest Anniversary Edition
Tokyo 42
Tooth and Tail
Torment: Tides of Numenera
Total Tank Simulator
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator
Tower of Guns
Tower Unite
Train Simulator 2017 + Platform Clutter, Town Scenery
Tropico 4
Tropico 6 El Prez Edition
The Uncertain: Last Quiet Day
Ultimate Chicken Horse
Undertale
Unexplored
Vampire: The Masquerade - Shadows of New York
Vampyr
Verdun
Vertiginous Golf
Vikings - Wolves of Midgard
Void Bastards
Volgarr the Viking
VVVVVV
Waking Mars
Wargroove
Warhammer: Chaosbane
Westerado: Double Barreled
We Were Here Together
Windward
The Witness
Wizard of Legend
World of Goo
Worms Revolution
Yooka-Laylee
YAKUZA 3 REMASTERED
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK HEADRUSH
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK MOVIES
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SPORTS
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK TELEVISION
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 1 XL
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 2
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 3
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 4: The Ride
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 6 The Lost Gold
Ziggurat
And other shit i probably have from recent bundles
Deck Builder Bundle
Walking Dead 10th Anniversary Bundle
Humble Bundles I have
August 2022 - December 2022
July 2022
May 2022
April 2022
March 2022
January 2022
November 2021
September 2021
August 2021
July 2021
June 2021
May 2021
March 2021
February 2021
Figmint
Vermintide
Darksiders 2: Deathinitive Edition
Sudden Strike 4
The Surge
Pony Island
Little Nightmares
Zombie Night Terror
Screencheat
Freedom Planet
American Truck Simulator
Tales of Berseria
Kingdom: New Lands
KEYS ONLY
PC Building Simulator
The Beast Inside
Children of Morta
Overcooked! 2 + (DLC)
Path of Giants
Pathologic 2
Shining Resonance Refrain
Still There
Struggling
Tabletop Playground
Zwei: The Arges Adventure
Zwei: The Ilvard Insurrection
Crying Suns
Darksburg
Darksiders III
Darkwood
Imperator Rome Deluxe Edition
Little Misfortune
Rover Mechanic Simulator
Smile For Me
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Tsioque
Yakuza Kiwami 2
Youropa
Autonauts
Basement
Fae Tactics
Fantasy Blacksmith
Goat of Duty
Iron Danger
Lightmatter
Shadows Awakening
The Suicide of Rachel Foster
Sunless Skies
Tropico 6 El Prez Edition
The Uncertain: Last Quiet Day
A Case of Distrust
American Fugitive
Automachef
Call of Cthulhu
The Coma 2: Vicious Sisters
Genesis Alpha One Deluxe Edition
Hello Neighbor
Little Big Workshop
Through the Darkest of Times
Vampyr
Wargroove
We Were Here Together
Age of Wonders: Planetfall Deluxe Edition
Basingstoke
Battlestar Galactica Deadlock Season One
Beat Hazard 2
Don't Escape: 4 Days to Survive
Earthlock
Metal Unit
Railway Empire
Sigma Theory
Secret Neightbor
STUBBS THE ZOMBIE IN REBEL WITHOUT A PULSE
WORMS RUMBLE + LEGENDS PACK DLC
Panzer Paladin
MILKY WAY PRINCE - THE VAMPIRE STAR
Desolate
Other Keys
Battleborn Starter Skin Pack
GUNS UP! Starter Pack + TV Head
Mage and Minions - $10 In-Game Currency
Star Trek Online - Humble Trekkie Pack
Shadow Complex Remastered (epic launcher key)
Killing Floor - Community Weapon Pack 1 DLC
Killing Floor - Community Weapon Pack 2 DLC
Killing Floor - Community Weapon Pack 3 DLC
XCOM® 2: Resistance Warrior Pack
XCOM® 2: Reinforcement Pack
Effie
Darksiders Genesis
Hellpoint
Disjunction
Cook Serve Delicious 3
levelhead
Fury Unleashed
Size Matters
Morkredd
Relicta
Retimed
Family Man
Vane
Elex
Kingdom Two Crowns
WWE 2k battlegrounds
Hotshot Racing
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Cyber Hook
Pesterquest
Ageless
Boreal blade
Valfaris
Lovecraft's Untold Stories
Iris and the Giant
Boomerang Fu
The Wild Eight
Train Station Renovation
Trine 4: The Nightmare Prince
WEREWOLF: THE APOCALYPSE HEART OF THE FOREST
OUTWARD + THE SOROBOREANS AND OUTWARD SOUNDTRACK
Want:
Offers (Ignore means no)
Oneshot (multiple copies are preferable)
Subnautica (multiple copies are good)
Wandersong
Indivisible
Xcom Chimera Squad
Hollow Knight
Everhood
Wishlist is sparse but im open to any offer
Anything on my wishlist
Feel free to offer any games for one of mine, preferably a list to browse

I do not accept paypal, game trades only
My rep from indiegameswap
Have:
FEBRUARY 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE
MARCH 2021 HUMBLE CHOICE
11-11 Memories Retold
2064: Read Only Memories
20XX
7 Grand Steps
7 Billion Humans
A Good Snowman is Hard to Build
A Hat in Time
A Mortician's Tale
American Fugitive
A New Beginning - Final Cut
Aaero
The Adventure Pals
AER Memories of Old
As Far as the Eye
Age of Wonders: Planetfall Deluxe Edition
Age of Wonders III
Agents of Mayhem
AI War: Fleet Command
Alien Spidy
All You Can Eat
The Ambassador: Fractured Timelines
ADOM (ANCIENT DOMAINS OF MYSTERY
Ancestors: The Humankijnd Odyssey
Ashes of the Singularity: Escalation
Assassin's Creed® Origins
Assault Android Cactus
Baba Is You
Bridge Constructor Portal
The Ball
Bastion
Batman Arkham Origins
Basement
Battle Chef Brigade
Battlestar Galactica Deadlock Season One
Beat Hazard Ultra
Beholder
BEE SIMULATOR
Bendy and the Ink Machine™
Binary Domain
BioShock™ Remastered
Blazing Beaks
Blue Fire
Biped
Bleed 2
Bone - Episode 1 & Episode 2
Broken Age
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons
Brutal Legend
Burly Men At Sea
Bury Me, My Love
Bridge Constructor Portal
Call of Cthulhu
Chasm
CHUCHEL Cherry Edition
Carto
Coffee Talk
Company of Heroes 2 +Pattern Pack
The Coma 2: Vicious Sisters
Crawl
Crazy Taxi
Cepheus Protocol
Crowntakers
Curious Expedition
Cultist Simulator
Darkside Detective
Darksiders II Deathinitive Edition
Darksiders Warmastered Edition
Death Squared
Drake Hollow
Dirt 5
Deleveled
Deadly Days
Distance
DISTRAINT 2 + Soundtrack
Distrust
Dungreed
Door Kickers: Action Squad
Double Fine Adventure Documentary
Drawful 2
Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
DUCATI - 90th Anniversary
Duck Game
Dungeons 3
Dusty Revenge: Co-Op Edition
The Dwarves
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + dlc and shit
EarthNight
Elderborn
Eastside Hockey Manager
Elite Dangerous
Ellipsis
Endless Space - Collection
Euro Truck Simulator 2 + Austraila paint dlc
Europa Universalis IV
Encodya
EVERSPACE™
Evergarden
Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy Remastered
Feather
Fibbage XL
Finding Paradise
The First Tree
Fluffy Horde
Framed Collection
Freedom Force
Freedom Force vs. The Third Reich
Frog Detective
FTL
Full Metal Furies
Full Throttle Remastered
GameMaker Studio Pro
The Gardens Between
Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy
GNOG
God's Trigger
Gonner
GRAV (Early Access)
GRID 2
Guns of Icarus Online
Gunscape
Hacknet + Hacknet Labyrinths DLC
Hand of Fate 2
Hard Reset Redux
Heroes of Hammerwatch
Hello Neighbor Hide and Seek
Hexcells Complete Pack
Hidden Folks
HIVESWAP: Act 1
Hammerting
Hollow Knight
Hyper Light Drifter
I'm not a Monster
In Between
Injustice Gods Among Us Ultimate Edition
I am not a Monster: First Contact
INK Deluxe Edition
Into the Breach
Jackbox Party Pack 4
The Journey Down: Chapter Three
JumpJet Rex
Jurassic World Evolution - Deluxe Dinosaur Pack
Kerbal Space Program
Killing Floor 2
Kingdom Classic
Knights of Pen and Paper 2
Last Oasis
Late Shift
Layers of Fear
LEGO® Batman 2 DC Super Heroes™
LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham
LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham Premium Edition
LEGO DC Super-Villains Deluxe Edition
LEGO® Marvel Super Heroes 2 Deluxe Edition
LEGO Marvel's Avengers
LEGO Ninjago Movie Video Game
LEGO® Worlds
Lethal League Blaze
Leviathan Warships
Lostwinds
Lobotomy Corporation Monster Management
Lumino City
Luna's Wandering Stars
Machinarium
Mad Max
Magicka
Majesty 2
Majesty Gold HD
Marooners
Masquerade: The Baubles of Doom
Massive Chalice
Metro Redux Bundle key only
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor GOTY
Mini Metro
Minoria
MINIT
MirrorMoon EP
Monster Loves You
Moonlighter
MOTHERGUNSHIP
Mr. Shifty
Mushroom 11
Music Maker EDM Edition + 10 dollar voucher code
My Memory of Us
My Time at Portia
NBA 2K20
No Time to Relax
NIMBATUS - THE SPACE DRONE CONSTRUCTOR
Necronator: Dead Wrong
Neo Cab
Neon Drive (Steam)
Newt One
Niche
Nine Parchments
Ninja Pizza Girl
No Time to Explain Remastered
Not Tonight
>observer_
Offworld Trading Company + Jupiter's Forge
Old Man's Journey
OlliOlli2: Welcome to Olliwood
Operation Flashpoint: Red River
Opus Magnum
Orwell: Ignorance is Strength
Orwell: Keeping an Eye on You
Out of the Park Baseball 18
Out There: Ω Edition
Out of Space
Overgrowth (plus a secret link)
Overlord II
PAC-MAN™ CHAMPIONSHIP EDITION 2
Pale Echoes
Paper Fire Rookie
Paperbark
Paradigm
Party Hard
Pesterquest
Pikuniku
Pinstripe
Plague Inc: Evolved
Paradise Killer
Planet of the Eyes
Plunge
Primal Carnage: Extinction
Police Stories
Project Highrise
Project Highrise
Psychonauts
Puzzle Agent
Puzzle Agent 2
Q.U.B.E. 2
Q.U.B.E: Director's Cut
Quest of Dungeons
Quiplash
Rapture Rejects + Safari Outfit DLC
Realpolitiks
Rebuild 3: Gangs of Deadsville
Regency Solitaire
Regions of Ruin
Regular Human Basketball
Remnants of Isolation
Resident Evil Revelations
Retro Game Crunch
Rime
Rise and Shine
Rising Dusk
Rituals
Road to Ballhalla
Robot Roller-Derby Disco Dodgeball
Rock of Ages 2: Bigger & Boulder™
Rocket Birds: Hardboiled Chicken
ROCKETSROCKETSROCKETS
Rusty Lake Paradise
Sam & Max: Season 1
Sam & Max: Season 2
Satellite Reign
S.W.I.N.E. HD REMASTER
Scribblenauts Unlimited
Secrets of Raetikon
Sigma Theory
Shadows Awakening
Shelter 2
Shenmue I & II
shutshimi
Sigma Theory: Global Cold War
SimplePlanes
SIMULACRA
Slipstream
Sniper Elite
Sniper Elite 3
Sniper Elite V2
Song of Horror
Sonic & SEGA All Stars Racing
SYNTHETIK: Legion Rising
SOULCALIBUR VI
Speed Brawl
Spelunky
Spirits
Spyro™ Reignited Trilogy
Squad (Early Access)
StarCrossed
State of Mind
Stealth 2: A Game of Clones
Stick Fight: The Game
SYNTHETIK: Legion Rising
The Stillness of the Wind
Streamline Early Access
Streets of Rage
Stronghold Crusader 2
Subsurface Circular
Sunless Sea
Super Daryl Deluxe
Super Galaxy Squadron EX
Super Hexagon
Super House of Dead Ninjas: True Ninja Pack
Super House of the Dead Ninjas
Super Time Force Ultra
SUPERHOT
Superliminal
Surgeon Simulator + Anniversary Ed. Content
Surviving Mars
Sword Legacy Omen
System Shock 2
System Shock: Enhanced Edition
Tank Mechanic Simulator
Tales of the Neon Sea
Tangledeep + Soundtrack
Team Indie
theHunter: Call of the Wild
Telltale Texas Hold'em
Think of the Children
Thirty Flights of Loving
This is the Police
This War of Mine
Throne of Lies® The Online Game of Deceit
Tilt Brush
TIMEframe
Titan Quest Anniversary Edition
Tokyo 42
Tooth and Tail
Torment: Tides of Numenera
Total Tank Simulator
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator
Tower of Guns
Tower Unite
Train Simulator 2017 + Platform Clutter, Town Scenery
Tropico 4
Tropico 6 El Prez Edition
The Uncertain: Last Quiet Day
Ultimate Chicken Horse
Undertale
Unexplored
Vampire: The Masquerade - Shadows of New York
Vampyr
Verdun
Vertiginous Golf
Vikings - Wolves of Midgard
Void Bastards
Volgarr the Viking
VVVVVV
Waking Mars
Wargroove
Warhammer: Chaosbane
Westerado: Double Barreled
We Were Here Together
Windward
The Witness
Wizard of Legend
World of Goo
Worms Revolution
Yooka-Laylee
YAKUZA 3 REMASTERED
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK HEADRUSH
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK MOVIES
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SPORTS
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK TELEVISION
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 1 XL
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 2
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 3
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 4: The Ride
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 6 The Lost Gold
Ziggurat
And other shit i probably have from recent bundles
Deck Builder Bundle
Walking Dead 10th Anniversary Bundle
Humble Bundles I have
August 2022 - December 2022
July 2022
May 2022
April 2022
March 2022
January 2022
November 2021
September 2021
August 2021
July 2021
June 2021
May 2021
March 2021
February 2021
Figmint
Vermintide
Darksiders 2: Deathinitive Edition
Sudden Strike 4
The Surge
Pony Island
Little Nightmares
Zombie Night Terror
Screencheat
Freedom Planet
American Truck Simulator
Tales of Berseria
Kingdom: New Lands
KEYS ONLY
PC Building Simulator
The Beast Inside
Children of Morta
Overcooked! 2 + (DLC)
Path of Giants
Pathologic 2
Shining Resonance Refrain
Still There
Struggling
Tabletop Playground
Zwei: The Arges Adventure
Zwei: The Ilvard Insurrection
Crying Suns
Darksburg
Darksiders III
Darkwood
Imperator Rome Deluxe Edition
Little Misfortune
Rover Mechanic Simulator
Smile For Me
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Tsioque
Yakuza Kiwami 2
Youropa
Autonauts
Basement
Fae Tactics
Fantasy Blacksmith
Goat of Duty
Iron Danger
Lightmatter
Shadows Awakening
The Suicide of Rachel Foster
Sunless Skies
Tropico 6 El Prez Edition
The Uncertain: Last Quiet Day
A Case of Distrust
American Fugitive
Automachef
Call of Cthulhu
The Coma 2: Vicious Sisters
Genesis Alpha One Deluxe Edition
Hello Neighbor
Little Big Workshop
Through the Darkest of Times
Vampyr
Wargroove
We Were Here Together
Age of Wonders: Planetfall Deluxe Edition
Basingstoke
Battlestar Galactica Deadlock Season One
Beat Hazard 2
Don't Escape: 4 Days to Survive
Earthlock
Metal Unit
Railway Empire
Sigma Theory
Secret Neightbor
STUBBS THE ZOMBIE IN REBEL WITHOUT A PULSE
WORMS RUMBLE + LEGENDS PACK DLC
Panzer Paladin
MILKY WAY PRINCE - THE VAMPIRE STAR
Desolate
Other Keys
Battleborn Starter Skin Pack
GUNS UP! Starter Pack + TV Head
Mage and Minions - $10 In-Game Currency
Star Trek Online - Humble Trekkie Pack
Shadow Complex Remastered (epic launcher key)
Killing Floor - Community Weapon Pack 1 DLC
Killing Floor - Community Weapon Pack 2 DLC
Killing Floor - Community Weapon Pack 3 DLC
XCOM® 2: Resistance Warrior Pack
XCOM® 2: Reinforcement Pack
Effie
Darksiders Genesis
Hellpoint
Disjunction
Cook Serve Delicious 3
levelhead
Fury Unleashed
Size Matters
Morkredd
Relicta
Retimed
Family Man
Vane
Elex
Kingdom Two Crowns
WWE 2k battlegrounds
Hotshot Racing
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Cyber Hook
Pesterquest
Ageless
Boreal blade
Valfaris
Lovecraft's Untold Stories
Iris and the Giant
Boomerang Fu
The Wild Eight
Train Station Renovation
Trine 4: The Nightmare Prince
WEREWOLF: THE APOCALYPSE HEART OF THE FOREST
OUTWARD + THE SOROBOREANS AND OUTWARD SOUNDTRACK
Want:
Offers (Ignore means no)
Oneshot (multiple copies are preferable)
Subnautica (multiple copies are good)
Wandersong
Indivisible
Xcom Chimera Squad
Hollow Knight
Everhood
Wishlist is sparse but im open to any offer
Anything on my wishlist
Feel free to offer any games for one of mine, preferably a list to browse

This post expands on a comment I made in last week's scuffle thread about a multi-decade disagreement about what color the now-defunct Denver & Rio Grande Western Railroad (D&RGW) used to paint its steam locomotives and by extension, what color the 491, a now-restored locomotive operating at the Colorado Railroad Museum (CRM), should have been painted during her restoration. Tie a red bandanna around your neck, grab some popcorn, and sit back for a two-for-one hobby history and drama.
First, three short disclosures. One, I am associated with CRM, but I did not participate in the restoration of 491. Second, I have no preference what color 491 should be, I'm just glad she’s running. Third, 491 uses she/her pronouns. That’s not woke, it's historically accurate. Deal with it, you friggin’ lopsided, melting snowflake.
Before we get to the drama, let’s get a bit of context and background. The D&RGW railroad was founded in 1870 and eventually became a part of Union Pacific in the 1990s. D&RGW built and operated routes in the US states of Colorado, Utah, and New Mexico. For a long time, these tracks were among the very few ways to easily travel west of Denver and through the Rocky Mountains. Those corridors were, and still continue to be, foundational parts of the US rail network.
Over time, D&RGW became renowned around the world for operating in some of the most beautiful but technically difficult terrain in North America. The passenger trains themselves became destinations, and the mountainous routes fascinated historians, railroad photographers, and model railroaders. Seriously--just look at this train going up a mountain like a goat. In addition, the railroad was notable for operating an extensive network of "narrow gauge" tracks—the rails were 3' apart instead of the standard 4' 8.5". Without getting too far into the technical weeds, narrow gauge worked better than standard in mountainous terrain.
Another thing that made the D&RGW a darling among railroad enthusiasts is that while they got rid of the steam locomotives on its mainline tracks in late 1940s or early 50s, just like most other railroads did, they kept on chuggin' down the narrow gauge tracks until 1968. To put that in perspective, that's the year the White Album came out, and the year that Planet of the Apes and Night of the Living Dead were released. 1968 was the year before Woodstock and Apollo 11, and only 15 years before the Internet was invented.
1968, in other words, is incredibly recent. It is within the lifespan of some of you reading this post. It should be kept in mind that when we talk about the D&RGW and the 491’s service life, those things, while distant, have not yet faded into history. There are many still-living people who worked on this railroad, operated specific pieces of equipment, and saw it around their communities. There are far more people who had a father, grandfather, uncle, or other relative involved in this industry. We aren’t discussing events in the distant past, and the people who care about this aren’t just hyper-fixated arcane details of history. For many people, the presence of this railroad, and the continued preservation of its remnants, are intensely personal.
Before we move on, let's take a moment to get some additional context on how railroads used color on their equipment. Today, you might notice that most railroads have a set "livery" that they paint on their locomotives. (UP yellow, BNSF orange, CSX blue, ect.) Prior to about 1900, steam locomotives were just as colorful, and were often decorated with elaborate trimmings made of polished metal. This is actually where the idiom "all the bells and whistles" comes from. Most toys, clip art pictures, and children's television programs depict steam locomotives from this era.
However, after about 1900, the appearance of most steam locomotives became far more utilitarian. The Victorian maximalist style had fallen out of favor across the board, especially after the wars, and most railroads in the US accordingly preferred unembellished equipment. Now, their locomotives were most often painted black with minimal amounts of gray, white, or silver trimming.
By about 1900, railroads companies had also noodled out that keeping a brightly colored and decorated locomotive clean enough that it didn't reflect poorly on the company required a lot of labor. Remember, these machines— this is worth harping on both because it's going to be a plot point in a little bit and because modern readers might not fully grasp what “steam power” means—are ON FIRE AT ALL TIMES WHILE OPERATING. A very messy chain of events results from this intrinsic property:
1.Where there’s fire, there’s smoke.

1. Where there’s smoke and exhaust steam going out the same smokestack, there is the creation of a thick, jet-black sludge of train-dirt.
   
2. The smokestack belching train-dirt is attached to a locomotive that is usually moving forward, which means that cancerous inky puke blows back onto any and every part of the locomotive situated behind the smokestack.
   

If anything on the locomotive isn’t painted black, in other words, it will very quickly become black unless it is being cleaned almost daily. Since corporate penny-pinching is always historically accurate, most railroads did the math and realized it was better for their bottom line to paint things the same color as train-dirt than it was to pay people to clean up train-dirt.
There were some exceptions to this preference. Often, railroads painted passenger locomotives to distinguish them from freight locomotives or to fit into the paint scheme used for every piece of equipment on a specific train. Two good extant and operable examples of colorful locomotives are the Southern Pacific 4449 and the Norfolk & Western 611. Other railroads preferred colorful, but very dark shades of paint for at least some of their locomotives. One of those railroads just so happened to be the D&RGW: There's documented evidence that instead of using black, they painted some of their locomotive a shade of dark green. For the curious, it is approximately hex code 1E3D0E.
Speaking of D&RGW, let's jump back to the 1960s and introduce the specific steam locomotive at the center of this drama: D&RGW no. 491. For you nerds—you know who you are—she is a K-37 Class superheated, outside-frame, 2-8-2 Mikado. She and nine other K-37s were built in-house by the D&RGW in 1928. 491 was taken out of revenue service in 1963.
As an aside, it was actually really rare for railroads to build their own steam locomotives. D&RGW decided to do this because of an entirely different historical drama which, though at the time was complex enough to max out the character limits of gossipy telegrams, can with hindsight be briefly summarized as:
Baldwin Locomotive Works: "Fuck you, pay me."
D&RGW: "NO."
Luckily for the K-37s, by the time they were taken out of service, there had emerged a very dedicated coalition of people actively working to preserve steam power in general and Colorado’s unique railroad history specifically. They were resoundingly successful: All but 8 of the 10 K-37 locomotives, and numerous examples of many other classes, were saved. All tolled, there are about 15 former D&RGW steam locomotives in operable condition or being considered for restoration at the Durango & Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad, the Cumbres & Toltec railroad, and the Colorado Railroad Museum. Additionally, most of the heritage railroads in Colorado operate on routes decommissioned by the D&RGW.
Two of the K-37s—the 491 and the 493—have been restored to operating condition. The 491 got her second lease on life at CRM in the early 2000s-2010s, and the Durango & Silverton returned the 493 to service in 2020.
While D&S made some purposeful modifications to 493 to render her more suited to 21st century operation, CRM set out with the goal of restoring 491 as close to historically accurate condition as possible. They were in fact contractually bound to do so, since the museum had applied and received significant funding from the Colorado State Historical Fund, and the terms of that grant required that any change made to the locomotive would have to be backed up by records or photographs preserved from her days in revenue service.
That should be easy, right? We just talked about those revenue days that were very recent, didn't we? Hit the independent brake and the automatic brake and throw on a handbrake just for good measure, because historical accuracy can be VERY tricky for railroad preservation.
Given that, the revenue service life of most pieces of equipment was, on average, about 40 years, many have been overhauled or significantly modified while in service. Others have been subjected to "Red Green this thing out of my shop and get it back on the mainline" types of repairs that, while technically accurate to the period, were not the typical or best practice and are inappropriate in a preservation setting.
There are, in other words, sometimes multiple and equally well documented versions of “historically accurate,” and it becomes a matter of opinion as to which one is best to recreate. Because of the very powerful personal connections to the equipment we discussed earlier, those opinions are often VERY passionate. It's at this point where we FINALLY where we get to the meat of this drama, because the restoration of the 491 put one specific question in the crossfires of that passion:
What color did the D&RGW paint the 491 and, more importantly, what color should CRM paint her?
Most people assumed that since the 491 showed up at the museum painted almost all black and silver, she would be painted the same way during her restoration. However, given that she had been in service for 35 years, it was possible that she had been repainted at least once or twice. In fact, for a long time, and I mean longer that the internet has even been around long, there has been a dogged faction of people who that believed the 491 operated at least some of her revenue service with her boiler jacket(a thin, metal sheet that holds insulation against the boiler and protects the boiler itself from the elements) painted dark green. As evidence, they pointed to old shop records, a few eyewitness testimonies, and cans of paint found in various facilities. This faction made it known that they wished the 491 to be painted green, and those who preferred black or thought black was better documented raised their objections.
It should have been easy to figure out which color was 'correct,' right? Didn’t you say there are records? There are, but the catch is that while those records amount to a pretty good body of evidence that the D&RGW used green paint at some point, on some of its locomotives, they don't provide a comprehensive record of exactly which locomotives were painted what color at what time. There’s nothing substantive that the 491 herself was painted green.
The next best bet, you'd think, would be to look at photographs. Unfortunately, this isn't reliable. Most of the revenue service photographs of the 491 and her sisters are in black and white, and it is difficult to conclusively determine which colors are being depicted, especially when they are very similar like black and the shade of green in question. Team Green indicated that some pictures render the boiler jacket in slightly lighter shades of gray, meaning it must be a different color, and Team Black counters that the difference might be due to shadows or that paint being more glossy than what was used on other components. Besides, they say, if 491 had been painted green, wouldn't more people REMEMBER her that way? Team Green has a hand answer for that, too: The K-37s simply spent most of their service lives too dirty for the green paint to be seen. That sounds like a stupid ass-pull of an answer, but until we cleaned her up a few weeks ago, I genuinely forgot that 491 was (spoiler alert) painted green.
For YEARS, this was such a hot debate that it probably could have raised 491 up to operating pressure. Some of the source threads I’ve linked to are from the early 2000s—note that many of them mention discussing this issue in the 80s and 90s—and this debate was brought up in pre-internet railfan publications and correspondences. It came to a head when, in the process of the restoration, staff at CRM found flecks of green paint while inspecting and cleaning 491 for restoration. The samples were collected, compared against known samples, and shown to people who were familiar with 491 and other D&RGW locomotives while in service. This exhaustive, almost forensic investigation proved that the 491 had, in fact, been painted green, so proponents of a black boiler jacket revised their position in the face of new evidence.
Just kidding of course.
While there was no question that CRM's restoration of 491 was very well done, there was, and is, a lot of grousing about whether those paint flecks were enough to prove that she was ever painted green. Some say that they were not present in great enough quantities to prove definitively that the paint came from the 491 or to determine exactly what parts of the locomotive had been painted that color.
Others point out that while the 491 and her sisters were built by the D&RGW, the railroad used boilers that had been assembled by Baldwin Locomotive Works earlier than 1928. Unless their customers requested otherwise, Baldwin painted the locomotives and parts it produced green as a default. The presence of the flakes, this opinion states, is only proof that the boiler was painted green at some point, not that it was painted green while it was part of 491.
The complicating factor is that Baldwin appears to have been very inconsistent with how they mixed up their “Baldwin Green:” Sometimes it was a very dark emerald. Other times, as with some paint on the tender 100% established to be Baldwin Green, it is an almost tan shade of olive green. Since we don’t have extant representations of all of those variations, the counterargument goes, we can’t definitively rule out that the boiler jacket samples came from Baldwin.
The most vehement of the anti-green coalition imagined a full-tilt, “Red Alert, folks, Andi in Kansas, you're on the air” level conspiracy about where the paint chips actually came from. They propose that they might have been, *ahem,* conveniently put there by someone who definitely wasn’t a D&RGW employee and who most certainly was not working on the 491 between 1928 and 1963. I don’t want to say much on this, because these folks just won’t be convinced, but that opinion is out there.
Who was convinced that the chips were good evidence, though, was the State Historical Fund, which approved changing the color of 491's boiler jacket to green. That’s how she is to this very day. There’s still some grousing that the she should have been painted black, and the broader debate about exactly which members of the D&RGW fleet was painted green is still a point of contention among narrow gauge railroad enthusiasts. I want to stress again that even though this drama might seem overwrought, most of it comes from a heartfelt dedication to preserving things “correctly,” and very personal reasons to prefer a certain version of “correct.”
I’m going to end this post, though, by saying this: It doesn't really matter what color the 491 actually is, because we also strive for historical accuracy in how often we wipe her down.
Finally, if you ever get a chance to visit the museums or heritage railroads mentioned here or others that weren't relevant, please by all means do so! There are many people working as hard as they can to keep this history alive, and we can always use your support and patronage.
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Source Another source Third source

In the market for a hip pack. I get pretty hot while riding so having the increased airflow of a hip pack vs a backpack during the summer has my interest. I've spent most of my time riding at the local bike park where you're never more than 2 miles from the car. So I've just been carrying a multi tool in my pocket and a water bottle on my frame. But I'm looking to do some proper exploring and obviously you want to be prepared out in the mountains.
Anyways, there are so many great options out there. Most lists seem to say that Evoc Hip Pack Pro 3L is the best of the best. I really like the modularity of it, being able to carry no water, 1 bottle, 2 bottles, a bladder or all 3. It seems to be incredibly well constructed and thought out. But I'm trying to envision if I wouldn't benefit more from something smaller on most rides with something like the Bontrager Rapid Pack (or the version with a bladder I've just discovered.)
I love to jump and am always looking to jump little side hits or roots on the sides of trails when there aren't many actual jumps or drops. Having never tried a hip pack, I like the idea of something that doesn't move around a lot and throw off my balance. Afterall, mountain biking is a huge sport. People riding 20 mile mostly flat XC trails and people who are hitting 20 foot doubles are both mountain biking. But both have vastly different use cases for gear so it's hard to know what reviews are relevant to how I'd like to ride. A gigantic backpack would be fine if you're just sitting down and pedaling for most of the ride. But that same pack would be really cumbersome on a jumpline.
Anyways, got a bit sidetracked. What hip pack works best for you? Once you found that perfect pack, what do you normally store in it? Trying to get a feel for what size would work best for me. I did find an amazing comparison by Enduro Magazine. But I'd like to hear personal accounts from other riders experiences.

Having used every farm type at least once except for Wilderness, I am curious what farms people gravitate towards, and which ones they shun.
My favorite tends to be the Forest farm. Easy forageables, a very easy source of hardwood, even some decent fishing. This, outside of the original farm maybe, is probably the easiest farm to make use out of. I am also kind of fond of the ocean farm, even if a limited amount of space for sprinklers can be annoying.
The River Farm is just easily my least favorite, unfortunately. It's a hassle getting around on the farm due to all of the water, and it's frankly not really giving you much benefit. River fish can be obtained one or two screens over, so it just feels like you're giving up a lot of available farm space and the benefits of the other farms for very little reward. The ship decoration is at least kind of cool, so there's that, but that does not make up for how bad the farm is.
The farm with the quarry is also unfortunately not that great. It puts the rocks so far out of your way that I'd wager many players forget they are even there. It just isn't that hard to get geodes, stone, etc, in the mines as it is.
Of course, this is all subjective, so I want to know what you all think, what your priorities are in your farm choices.

I just want to add trigger warnings: abuse, sleeping pill use, possible reactive abuse?, self harm/suicide ideation
Hello everyone! I am just really struggling with determining if I was the narcissist in a previous relationship that’s weighing heavy on me. I would like to state that before this relationship, I was in an all over abusive relationship (That was actually my 1st serious relationship, happened in high school) that was very traumatic. Within and after that relationship, that ex was telling me that no one would love me or love me like he does, would physically hurt me as he would tell me that ‘he is not hurting me, I am hurting myself’, blame me for everything in the relationship, his mom would make excuses for him even as she heard him hurting me.. It was a LOT. And I guess that was also why I was so susceptible to my next relationship which is the one I am inquiring about.
So, that relationship lasted 3 years.. I went to therapy.. A year and maybe a half later, I met another guy (which is the one I am more confused on and questioning myself the most..) My 1st bf was known as not a good guy so it was easier for me to come to terms with that it was not me? But this one… Everyone LOVES him… We met through a friend of mine at a theme park.. I guess for a good month he was trying to get my number from her (she was a good friend of mine at the time, she was dating one of his good friends, they knew each other. She took us to where he was). I got a text from him saying “Hey beautiful, can you guess who this is?” and it all started from there..
He had previously gotten out of a 4 year relationship, 2 months before we met (Stupid me; HOWEVER, i did not know how short of a time span it truly was until I went through his phone and laptop), but he made it seem like she was just cheating on him and not doing right by him majorly, he was over it, and it was done. I didn’t know his part until the 4th year when I went through his laptop and saw that he would call her names, he would be trying to be sexual with her friend which is the same girl who told him that he couldn’t cheat on me with anyone besides her and he agreed (Same girl that would be mentioned in a bit), and so on.
We ended up going to the same college, and hanging out a lot; However, even from month one he was trying to get with me and saying that he “had” to be with me because I was sweet, beautiful, xyz but he didn’t have time for that at the moment due to him just getting out of the relationship (which I was ok with tbh. But when mentioning that I don’t think I wanted to date he would be like why?… (As well as I think this is what got me too because he was not prioritizing a relationship so it did not seem like he would be using me). He would call me while he was at work a lot, and he even showed up to my house once randomly because I was trying to avoid hanging out with him and me and my friend had to lie and say I wasn’t there. He would explain a lot of how we would make sense together in a sense and why I should not be opposed to dating him..
Within the 4th month, he confessed that he loved me and hoped that I felt the same… In my gut I felt that it did not feel right… But everyone was saying that he liked me, everyone loved him, and he seemed like a good guy and totally opposite of my 1st ex… So I thought, maybe this is love and maybe I do love him… One night I stupidly explained what I been through before meeting him (my previous relationship and friendships) and how I just did not want to go through that again… He said he would never put me through anything like that, will treat me how I deserve like the princess I am, and how laid back he was (but I did not think laid back would mean flirting with other women in front of me or in general, etc which he would mention at a later time when bringing things up to him “Well I told you I was laid back”).. By this time I was lowkey babe, his princess, etc… His friends telling me that he really liked me, and I made him happy… That he talked about me a lot.. I thought maybe this was it…
Around month 8, he asked me out… Immediately a shift began… Right after he asked me out he stated “You’re lucky because there was someone else I was supposed to date”… I instantly knew that something was wrong… But at the same time… A thought that ran through my head was my 1st ex telling me how no one would ever love me like him and other things… and tbh I think I just went with it and accepted fate Ig. I got in his car and we drove off… But now that I even look back, he would question me sexually compared to other women.. call himself the “booty king”.. and talk about how he was sad that he lost his old phone containing photos of all the girls’ pics he had while we were talking… so.. Yeah… Ig that wasn’t even the 1st shift.. I guess I was just used to that type of treatment now that I think about it..
To add more information before getting to the main portion, before so much occurred, I did not mind him hanging out even alone with girls.. He made me feel safe and I trusted him and even told him that. To the point where he told me that he was going to Disney with the girl mentioned above and that she liked him, but I need to not worry because he wasn’t going to do anything and liked me and other stuff. This was after he told me he thinks we shouldn’t be talking to other people (so this occurred a little before he asked me out). However, during this time, if he saw me with a guy he seemed to get jealous. For example, I was saving the table, and the janitor who looked like a guy my age came over, we nodded, and he just kept working. He came back as the janitor moved and asked me if he was flirting with me and thought that I was lying about him not flirting with me. Another time, I went to the movie theatre with my friend and he brought it up a few times and was asking about it and claiming it was a date. However, he would keep stating that he was not the jealous type and his friends would too..
But anyways after we started dating, he immediately started ignoring me as I was talking and would always be on his phone. One such event was when we were headed somewhere with his friends… Once they got out of the car, and I began talking to him, he immediately got on his phone and was kind of ignoring me but giving ‘mhms’, ‘ohs’, and other sounds like that.. Eventually I went quiet.. When his girl friend 1st got back into the car, he immediately put his phone down and started conversating with her… I was hurt.. which led to him doing some actions and admitting that he did them because I was sad and wouldn’t tell him why and shrugged. He would be on his phone looking at girls.. Even when my parents were going through a divorce, and I was venting to him over skype.. He was just ignoring me.. and I could see through his glasses that he was just browsing on tumblr which already made me more sad and alone, then I saw him staring at and sharing a picture of a girl showing her butt, and I got upset and he got upset with me for being upset.. On our one year anniversary even, I was talking to him, and he was ignoring me.. But I caught him looking at a picture with girls showing their butts and just became quiet and upset.. He’d already called me insecure and such by that point..
Another incident which I’m sure sounds stupid and may just be really stupid.. Was 2 months after we dated.. I told him all that I wanted for my birthday was to take him to HHN for his first time.. He said he didn’t have any plans to go with anyone else and pinky promised me.. I would say maybe a couple of weeks later he told me he was going with one of his girl friends that worked there on that night, and I immediately called him.. He invited me to go, but I couldn’t because I was busy, and I asked if he could wait, and he brought up that he couldn’t just say no because he already told her yes. I brought up the pinky promises, and stupidly begged him if he could just wait.. He said he couldn’t and he had to go.. Later he posted on snapchat about how much fun he was having and how cool and crazy it was.. Later told me he just went with her because she could get him in for free.. which I would have paid if needed, but I didn’t know.. He would manipulate me into letting him do whatever because his ex did (For example, going to stay on the beach with his girl best friend, her mom, and her sister, but by this point he already kind of made it clear that he did not care about me, so I was uncomfortable with it, but he kept pushing until I said yes and would guilt trip me for being unsure).
During this 1st year, he already called me a whore for having guy friends, crazy, insecure because of above things etc. One incident we went to the club with one of his guy friends, I didn’t know the plan was to find girls for him (his guy friend) to get.. So while I was trying to dance and interact with them, I noticed he was just looking around and pointing out girls and kind of didn’t acknowledge me a lot of the night.. Which did make me sad.. I became standoffish, and that led to an argument and him hitting the steering wheel yelling at me and asking what the fuck is my problem with girls.. Which I remained silent after trying to explain.. Another incident is when at some point in the first couple of months I told him I would have sex with him.. We ended up at a resort because I have timeshares.. However, I got extremely sick to the point I couldn’t breathe and was worried. I did say I would have to pass on sex at the moment because I really could not breathe and didn’t feel well. He was more upset that I didn’t give him sex and said how I lied.. Which I really didn’t mean to.. and I did feel really bad about.
He would say how he didn’t care about how I felt about something, would go do that said thing, and then would come back and apologize after talking to one of his girl friends about it, and how she made him realize it wasn’t cool. He would be really mean and say mean things.. he would start denying his actions and words so I started keeping screenshots to make sure that what I had remembered was accurate.. Adults would tell me that I better take good care of him while this was happening and he would look at me and smile and do like a jerking movement with his head like "yeah you better" if that makes sense..
I noticed after a while, I couldn’t control my emotions… I started becoming more and more emotionally reactive. I became increasingly jealous and trying everything to get him to care.. I also begin to try to find ways to get him to understand how he was hurting me and kept thinking of ways to get him to stop.. When I would react he told me that he showed his friends or told them what I did and their reactions and comments.. He told them I was crazy.. After a while I asked him to stop talking about our relationship to his friends because I noticed he wouldn’t tell them why I was reacting the way I was which also leads me to question if it was me.. I began trying to try to control situations so I wouldn’t get any more hurt. I started becoming passive aggressive and started saying mean things.. I threw my toothbrush at the bathroom door once.. I started taking sleeping pills because I got anxiety when he would text me that he was going out. I started taking the pills as well because I couldn’t heal and move on from the things that had happened as fast as he would’ve liked.. I would try to leave but he would say what I wanted to hear of course.. But if I tried to talk to him about the things, he would hardly say anything or just be like “you’re right, I’m trash”, change the subject, or tell me he would break up with me if I brought it up again.. Eventually he would tell me how I needed help and kiss me on the forehead.. At one point, I asked him if we break up, would he consider trying to work on things in the future after we both do growing, and he responded by shaking his head and telling me only if I had changed… I always made him not want to do things or not want to go to things.. He was more cool than me and had more friends than me he would say or imply at times and even brought it up because I got more likes on my insta posts.. One day I would be wifey and he would be so in love with me and not want any other girls.. and the next day I should understand if he wanted to breakup so he can go be with other girls.. His family said in front of me that he could just go get another girlfriend.. and he would shrug his shoulders and repeat that to me..
Major heartbreak events would happen after I helped him in someway, and he would feel a type of way that I wouldn’t want to help him or do things.. Like I helped get him jobs, get back in school, be on time for work, took care of him when he almost died (which led to a major event I will talk about in a few) he would tell me or show me that he didn’t care about me and I couldn’t count on him to be there for me either.. Like when I tried to tell him that I am becoming more severely depressed due to stuff, he was just like “I care less and less” because I brought up depression due to different things.. Which I know.. Stupid for staying.. However.. He would be “hurt” that I didn’t believe that he loved and cared for me.. That the trust I had was diminishing.. He would ask me why I thought he was lying to me and tell me that there were and are no other girls.. Everything led up to the 4th year..
After being with him in the hospital after he could’ve died.. I was with him and making sure he was ok afterwards.. Something was going to happen with a girl I didn’t feel comfortable with him being alone with and he told me.. surprise.. that he didn’t care and had to go.. Told me she said I was pretty.. I asked him if I could go through his phone a couple of days later, I guess I just needed that final push.. I found so much, from him talking to other women about our relationship but being more concerned about how we were having less and less sex, him cheating and flirting, him texting his friend about how he thought him and his ex were getting back together, etc. And I just lost it.. I woke him up shaking him asking why me.. just why… and before I knew it I slapped him.. It was like slow motion, I tried to stop myself but I couldn’t.. I immediately felt guilt.. and that was the first time I ever hit someone.. I know it’s not ok.. but that started an altercation and he dug his nails into me and so on.. I went to the bathroom bleeding.. and the next day.. He asked what happened to me and the marks.. I told him I just had a depressive episode.. and he told me that I shouldn’t hurt myself like that.. Like he didn’t remember anything.. It was like me and him switched places.. He began being afraid to communicate with me.. and to this day.. It’s been almost 3 years.. I feel extremely guilty and re-enact that night but begging myself to stop.. to just leave.. I still feel angry at myself.. His close friends were like “he really tried.. he really loved you.. ah I don’t think he’s like that”.. and sometimes it makes me doubt my experience..
At the end of the relationship is something I can’t forget.. He smirked and told me that he knew he’d be ok.. and that he already moved on and accepted everything.. and that has been something hard on me too.. I removed him from a lot but stupidly texted him a month or so later apologizing..
After the relationship when I would hear or see him or his name, I would have little panic attacks.. everything would go blurry and it felt like I couldn’t breathe.. Therapy isn’t helping.. I feel like I can’t move on and sometimes I idealize or day dream about suicide heavily..
I keep trying to stop myself from looking at his postings about loyalty.. being faithful.. giving everything to the girl who is always down for him.. not lying.. how his friends post how amazing he is and his quotes about cheating and such.. but it’s like a bad addiction I just can’t seem to break.. I keep asking myself was it me.. and if I’m just the narcissist.. He did take the blame and apologize near the end of the relationship and then once I reached out and apologized for my actions after the relationship.. But I still am so confused..
I feel consumed by rage.. envy.. Jealousy.. I see him being blessed with everything and thanking God and Jesus which diminished my faith.. If it wasn’t me, then how come he is getting so many blessings and get to be so happy.. I keep saying how it’s not fair.. I feel guilt.. I feel shame.. I don’t trust myself.. I can’t tell who I truly am after lashing out.. I feel like I want to give up.. Like it’s never going to end.. I keep seeing things about narcissistic abuse, and then I get scared because what if it was me….. Then I feel guilty for not wanting to watch any more things on narcissism or abuse for a while.. I keep praying, begging for it all to go away.. I have resorted to tarot and spells.. Faking it til I make it.. Nothing.. and then I get frustrated.. I keep reliving and trying to play things out differently if that makes sense.. I feel so alone, and I self-isolate so much.. It’s almost 3 years.. I am just confused.. and I am sorry for this being so long and possibly confusing and all over the place..

I wanted to add a Rattlesnake Calathea to my new vivarium for my anole and I didn't know they had Rhizomes. The plant I bought was too big for where I wanted to add it so I decided to split it. When I removed it from the pot, I noticed lots of white hard things. I thought they were rocks or something so after splitting the two halves, I removed them all from the roots. I just found out they were supposed to be there and are rhizomes. Will my plant be able to survive without them and grow new ones in the root system or have I just sented my new plant to death?