I’m African American. My best bud was my supe (white) but he just left for better work doing some travel roofing and the guy replacing him is a nazi (“probably” I was told). Stamp on his truck says local 1488. Planning to move to Richmond soon to be closer to a union but this would definitely kick start the process. Google give nothing but firefighters.

I was scraping a living working as a security guard.
I was stationed in shopping malls where my days were spent asking teenagers to move on. I sat behind desks in the lobbies of office blocks staring at CCTV monitors where nothing happened for hour after hour. And I patrolled construction sites on freezing cold nights, actually wishing someone would try and break in and steal some of the building materials. At least then I could get warm by chasing them.
My job was garbage.
One night, I was responding to an alarm which had gone off at the lot of a car dealership.
I parked up outside. The alarm was flashing but there was no sign of damage to the building so I assumed it was yet another waste of time.
I stood in front of the window and looked at the sleek, high-performance vehicles on display that cost more than I would earn in a lifetime on my pathetic wage. My reflection peered back at me: a sad figure dressed in a grey security guard’s uniform.
I sighed, turned away and headed back to my car. I had left my work phone on the passenger seat. I had to use it to fill in an online form after every call out before leaving the scene and would get my wages docked if I did not complete all the boxes correctly. It felt so futile.
I unlocked the car and was reaching for the door handle when I saw movement across the road. A glimpse of something running on all fours.
It slipped down an alley and away out of sight.
I thought at first that it might have been a fox.
There were a small number of exclusive restaurants in the surrounding blocks and their refuse would be packed with tasty morsels for scavengers. They wouldn’t care that it was leftovers from haute cuisine prepared by a chef with his own show on cable tv.
But my hand hovered over the door handle.
What if it had been a dog? I wondered. A stray destined for the pound that would eventually, heartbreakingly, be put to sleep.
I had always liked dogs a lot. I admired their loyalty and their tenacity, though my circumstances over the years had meant I had not owned one since I was a teenager.
And though I should have got busy filling in the mind-numbing online form, I decided that could wait.
I wanted to see if it was a dog. If it was, maybe I could rescue it and give it a home. That would give my empty life some kind of purpose.
Trying not to think about how I was going to afford to pay for dog food and veterinarian’s bills, I set off on the animal’s trail.
The alley I had entered was narrow and dark. I gave my eyes a moment to adjust then carried on. I moved slowly, not wanting to spook the animal.
I knew that if it felt threated it could lash out, and the last thing I needed was a trip to ER to get treated for a bite.
But there was no sign of it and the only sound was a drunk singing in the distance.
I shook my head sadly. I would have to give up and get back to the car. There would be another job lined up for me by now and the supervisor would be wondering where I was.
I turned – but did not take another step.
A pair of eyes glowed in the darkness ahead of me. They were red and burning with rage.
I could see the snout of the animal now as well and its teeth… only they were not the teeth of any kind of dog or fox. They were way too big, way too sharp.
They were fangs. And they were coming my way.
My guts cramped with fear.
I needed to get out of there or stand and fight. I clenched my firsts.
The animal was close. It began to snarl and crouch. I realised with horror that it was about to go for me.
Suddenly the alley was filled with the sound of screeching tyres and an engine roaring like it was fit to burst.
A car sped into view. It was backing in and barely fit into the cramped space. Its sides scraped along the sides of the alley with a sickening screech. Then it slammed to a halt.
I heard a door open, and a man stepped out of the driver’s seat.
He wore a battered leather coat that reached almost to his ankles. A fedora was balanced at a rakish angle on his head.
He smiled, and I saw the glint of a gold tooth.
“Well, howdy,” he said to me, “I will take it from here.”
The animal had not moved since he had arrived on the scene. It had remained low to the ground, its teeth bared, its hackles raised.
The man stood tall before it, patted a holster on his hip and said, “I got six silver pieces in here. I will need only one. There will be no morning after regrets then. The only thing waiting for you will be a cold hard grave.”
It was insane. He was speaking to a crazed animal as if it could understand him.
The animal responded with a howl, then leapt at him.
Moving with lightning speed and agility, the man rolled out of the way and was back on his feet in a flash. He drew, and a loud retort filled the alley – all while the animal was still mid-air.
The impact of the projectile sent it spiralling down. It hit the ground heavily and did not move.
I stood there transfixed, barely able to breathe.
The man opened the trunk of his car, picked the animal up and placed it inside.
As he closed the trunk, I could swear I saw pale human skin appearing beneath the animal’s fur.
The man turned back to me. “Word of advice, stranger. Stay out of dark alleys on nights like these. The full moon’s real pretty, but she brings out the beast.”
Then he tapped the brim of his fedora in a relaxed salute and climbed back into his car.
I was left standing watching open-mouthed as he drove away.
I had not noticed that it was a full moon but, when I looked up, I saw it burning bright in the dark city night.
I took a deep breath and headed back to my car.
There were missed calls on my work phone and a red-flagged email telling me to report to personnel in the morning.
I did not tell the drone in the suit who I met in the security company’s headquarters at 9.30 the next day what had happened in the alley. I knew that was pointless. There was no way he would believe me – and, it turned out, the damage was already done.
I listened as he told me that I was fired for taking an unauthorised break.
It took all my self-control not to reach over the desk, grab him and tell him exactly what I thought of his organisation and his stupid face.
With my head held high, I walked out onto the street. I had my dignity but nothing else. I was unemployed and close to broke.
I needed to think. I decided it was too early to go to a bar and consider my options over a stiff drink, and my cramped apartment was the last place I wanted to be when I was already feeling down, so I set off walking.
I had no destination in mind, I just drifted.
As I paced the streets, my mood got bleaker and bleaker. I could not see a way out of the dire situation I was in.
Finally, as dusk fell, I gave in to the temptation of a drink. There was a bar on the corner. It had no windows and there was broken glass and cigarette ends scattered across the sidewalk in front of it.
It was a dive.
Ideal for a loser like me then, I figured, and headed in.
The inside of the bar was hazy with smoke and dimly lit by a fluorescent strip that was dancing with flies. There were half a dozen patrons nursing beers, and a juke box was playing a song about looking for love.
The only thing anyone was going to find in this place was regret and stale breath.
I headed to the bar and ordered a double bourbon neat. The barman slid over a glass and poured out the drink.
The rim of the glass had more fingerprints on it than a crime scene. Telling myself that alcohol was a very effective disinfectant, I downed the bourbon in one, then turned to leave.
Call it the ambiance, call it the dirty looks I was getting because my eyebrows did not meet in the middle, but this bar was not helping my mood one little bit.
I was almost back at the door, when it swung open and the man from the alley strolled in.
His fedora, long leather coat and confident strut made him stand out a mile in the seedy bar.
He looked at me and I saw recognition in his eyes, but he carried on right by me without a word and made his way towards a lone figure sitting at a corner table.
I’d paid this man no heed before. He was keeping to the shadows and, even as he was approached, he had eyes only for the drink that sat in front of him.
Common sense was telling me that there was about to be trouble and I should leave, but I had not ended up one step away from the gutter by listening to my common sense.
So I leant against a wall and watched and waited.
The man wearing the fedora had reached the table. He had his back to me, but I imagined a gold tooth glinting as he said, “It is time to end this.”
His voice was calm and cold. He meant business.
The lone figure responded by taking a long drink, then placing his glass back down slowly and deliberately. The sound of the glass clinking on the tabletop was the loudest sound in the bar by now.
The juke box was silent and everyone else in there seemed transfixed by the encounter as well.
The lone figure got to his feet. He was slender and dressed all in black. In the gloom, his eyes were two points of darkness and his skin looked drained of all colour.
Then he smiled, and I felt a cold chill run through my body.
The tips of his teeth were viciously sharp points. Had he had filed them down to be like that? I wondered. Or was there another explanation?
One that belonged far from the light of day, in a dank, dark place like this.
The lone figure kept smiling as he said, “That’s not going to happen. It’s night now, so I will be leaving here to get myself a drink that satisfies my thirst. The plasma they keep behind the bar for me here just doesn’t cut it. In fact, this whole situation lacks bite.”
Then he snarled and his jaws snapped open. His grotesque teeth looked like a steel trap. One that was about to close around the neck of the man in the fedora.
But, once again, he moved at speed, producing a sharp wooden stake from inside his leather coat and striking it into the heart of the lone figure – who screamed then crumbled into dust.
The man in the fedora turned to walk away.
Only his path to the door was blocked by the barman. He held a sawn-off. “You should not have done that,” he said. “Vampires are my best customers.”
Then he let loose with both barrels.
There was nothing the man in the fedora could do. He was sent flying backwards, crashing through chairs and tables before sliding to a halt.
Appalled at this vicious assault, I threw myself at the barman and knocked him out with a right hook.
Then I scrambled over to the man in the fedora. He was in a bad way, but he was still breathing. His eyes flickered opened.
I forced a reassuring smile onto my face and said, “Don’t try and move. I’ll call 911.”
“No, there’ll be too many questions.” he gasped and tried to sit up. His face contorted with pain and he swore. Then, through gritted teeth, he said, “Help me get out of here.”
I had no idea what he was talking about and still thought calling the authorities was the best thing to do, but I saw that the other customers were giving us filthy looks and that the barman was coming round. I decided that getting out of there as soon as possible was the wisest option after all.
I helped the man in the fedora get to his feet and took as much of his weight as I could as we struggled towards the door and out into the night.
I recognised his car parked across from the bar. He gave me the keys and collapsed into the passenger seat.
I was about to tell him I was not insured to drive his vehicle when I saw the door of the bar open and the barman emerge.
Getting pulled over for a traffic offense was small change compared to the volley that was about to come our way, so I dived into the car, gunned the engine and gripped the wheel as we sped away.
I almost hit a car at the next intersection but swerved just in time. My heart was beating way too fast and I was coated in sweat. Then the headlights of a truck filled my line of vision and its horn blasted out a warning.
It missed us by inches.
I could not take it anymore. I pulled up at the side of the road and sat there shaking.
I glanced over at the man in the fedora and was amazed to see he was grinning.
“What in Hades’ name is going on?” I snapped.
“I am a freelance operative,” he replied. “I am paid by the government to eliminate monsters.”
I looked at him, lost for words.
“Sounds crazy, I know,” he continued. “But I assure you I don’t need a straight-jacket, just one more favour. I live a couple of blocks from here. I’m figuring it would be safer to walk the rest of the way and, while my Kevlar vest, soaked up most of the blast I’m still in a world of pain…”
He left it hanging there.
I sighed then told him I’d help him get home but that was it.
A day that had started with me being fired had descended into chaos and my nerves were shredded.
With him leaning on me we made our way slowly through the streets, until finally we reached what looked to me like a derelict warehouse. Even though it was late, a steady stream of traffic passed by. This city never slept.
“This is my place,” he said, while unlocking the door with a big brass key. The door opened with a creak and I helped him inside.
He flicked a light switch on, revealing a long open plan room that was a strange mix of workshop and living space.
An old and very comfortable looking sofa sat in front of a tv that looked about thirty years old. There was a fridge nearby, a stove, and a sink that was piled high with dishes.
A tool box stood open on the floor near to the sink, and a wide wooden workbench ran along the side of one wall.
There was an unmade bed as well, and an empty clothes hanger. Rumpled clothes lay scattered across the floor.
“I’m guessing you live here alone,” I said.
He shrugged and responded with, “Wherever I lay my stakes, that’s my home.”
I thought he was joking until I saw the row of wooden stakes lined up against one of the walls. The tip of each was sharpened – just like the one he had used in the bar.
He tapped the nearest one and said, “I like to keep plenty of replacements. Always seem to be leaving the things behind.”
Then he made his way over to the sofa and sunk down onto it.
I could see he was still in a lot of pain, but his breathing was regular and as I watched his eyelids closed and he started to snore quietly.
It was time for me to make my exit – only I could hear the rain falling heavily against the roof of the building. It sounded filthy outside, and I was beat.
There was an armchair in one corner of the room. It looked ancient and the lining was split open in a bunch of places. At that moment in time, it also looked incredibly comfortable.
I dragged myself over and pretty much collapsed onto it.
I don’t even remember closing my eyes.
The next thing I knew, I was blinking and yawning and rubbing my face. The morning sun was reaching into the room from a skylight and there was a pot of coffee brewing on the stove.
There was also a fax machine whirring into life.
I thought they’d gone the way of the dinosaurs so was bemused by the spectacle as a printout appeared. I went over to see what was on the sheet of paper.
It was a two-tone reproduction of a mug shot. Whoever it was, was not going to win any beauty contests. He looked desperate and dangerous. He also appeared human, but I assumed there was more to him than met the eye, if he was of interest to a monster hunter.
Below the picture there was a dollar sign followed by four figures.
I whistled quietly to myself. To a man in my dire financial straits, it was a substantial sum.
I was thinking how having that kind of money in my pocket would have made my life a whole lot better, when the man who I had helped the night before came into the room.
He took the printout from me, studied it, then said, “Looks like it’s time for me to go back to work.”
His leather coat and fedora were on the floor. He started to bend over to pick them up but pulled up in pain.
“Look,” I said. “If I understand this right, and you’re going to try and take out that desperado for that fee, then I would say you are going to fail. I reckon at the best you’ve cracked a couple of ribs. What you need is a partner, with a fifty-fifty split of the money when we succeed.”
He did not look happy about my suggestion and replied, “It will be dangerous in the extreme. You must realise that after seeing the last couple of vermin I took out?”
Unease trickled through me. But I wasn’t going to be put off that easily. I really wanted the money.
I pointed at the mug shot and asked, “What kind of monster is this?”
He grabbed a second page that had appeared from the fax machine, read it, then told me, “It says he is a shapeshifter. He is more dangerous than the lycanthrope I killed in the alley because he can change at will, not just during the full moon, and he could well share the cold logic of the vampire from the bar. The amount of the fee reflects this.”
I swallowed and tried to pretend like I was not scared as I said, “My offer to partner up with you still stands.”
He felt his ribs then looked me in the eye and growled, “Let’s do this thing.”
He drove this time, wincing every time we hit a pothole.
I had the two printouts on my lap and was leafing through an old A to Z of the city. I was looking for the street name that was among the details provided on the second sheet of paper.
“You do know it’s much easier to do this online,” I told him, as yet another bump in the road made me lose my page.
“Easier, but risky,” he told me. “Emails and messaging services are frequently hacked but no one is looking for information sent by fax. And who’s to say someone is not looking at the results of your internet searches the moment you bring them up.”
“I guess you don’t trust money being wired into banks either. So how do you get paid?” I said with a cynical tone.
He replied without missing a beat: “In cash. Used notes. Collected from drop off points, and never the same place. Do you like being given cash in hand? I know I do.”
I had to smile. He had me there. I went back to the A to Z.
After a couple of unnecessary detours caused by my rusty map reading, we finally turned into the right street. The apartment block we were looking for was on our left.
Finding monsters in alleys and dive bars had made sense. I also assumed monsters would hang out in graveyards, crumbling mansions, and other generally creepy and run down locations.
As I climbed out of the car and looked up, I was surprised.
The apartment block was sleek and modern. Balconies extended below each window. The views from the upper ones must have been stunning. And back down at ground level there was no graffiti or trash anywhere in sight.
“Are you sure this is the right place?” I asked.
He looked me at me and said, “The fax never lies.”
Then, hiding his pain behind a swagger, he strode up to the entrance and pressed a bunch of intercom buttons all at once.
“Someone is bound to be expecting a delivery,” he said, and sure enough we were buzzed in straight away.
We made our way through the plush lobby and waited on the elevator. The details we had been given also told us the shapeshifter lived in the penthouse suite.
“Must be profitable being a monster,” I said as the display showed the elevator descending.
The man in the fedora kept his attention on the display as he replied, “For some it can be. They use their differences to gather fortunes and power, sometimes through deluded acolytes, sometimes through violence and cunning. For others, though, being different is a curse, pure and simple. They wallow in filth, driven by base instincts to feed and hide. Either way, it is only a matter of time before they are identified as monsters and an operative is sent to end them.”
The elevator arrived and the doors slid open. The interior was wallpapered and there was a small, ornate sofa on one side. More signs that the shapeshifter had clearly done very well for himself.
That was all about to change.
The elevator ride was smooth and swift, and we emerged into a corridor where our boots sank into a thick, white carpet. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a security camera fixed high on the wall turn to face us.
I pointed it out and whispered, “Motion activated.”
The man in the fedora drew and obliterated the camera. “Not anymore,” he said and walked up to the door leading to the penthouse.
“It’s over,” he yelled then slammed his boot into the door. I noticed for the first time that he had steel toe caps and steel heels. The door cracked, he forced it open and stepped inside.
I followed. I could feel the adrenaline pushing my fear away.
The downtrodden security guard was history, I was a monster hunter’s partner now.
The vestibule of the penthouse was larger than any of the rooms in my apartment. There were oil paintings on the wall and light fittings that sparkled like jewels. A door opened up off it.
The man in the fedora was already barging through it. I hurried after him, into a living room with a floor to ceiling window. High rises soared in the distance.
A man sat in an antique chair in one corner of the room. I recognised him from the mug shot.
He had an arrogant sneer on his face. An arrogance that spread to his voice when he said, “Breaking into my home was a mistake. The last one you will ever make.”
Then he rose to his feet – and began to change.
His entire body expanded and within seconds he loomed over us. His skin cracked and dark fur began to appear. His fingers split open and claws unfurled, and the sneering face that looked down on us was now that of a beast.
It growled and with dizzying speed went for the man in the fedora.
He made to draw, but his injuries must have slowed him because the shapeshifter reached him before he could.
The shapeshifter lashed out with one of its claw-tipped paws, and the man in the fedora was sent flying across the room.
He lay there looking dazed. His leather coat and Kevlar vest were ripped and blood was seeping out.
The shapeshifter raised its claws, ready to inflict a fatal blow.
I had to act. I grabbed a chair and swung this at the shapeshifter. It turned and smashed the chair out of my grip.
I was left standing there as the shapeshifter snarled at me. The only thing I had achieved was to move up the victim chain. I would be diced and sliced and left as a gory mess on the floor.
My life flashed before my eyes, and I felt sick to the core as I realised my last thought would be: I have wasted my time on this earth.
Then something whipped into sight, a blur of silver. The shapeshifter looked confused, then its head toppled to the floor.
The man in the fedora dragged himself into view. He was holding a silver boomerang. “An excellent weapon,” he drawled, “Portable, with an edge that will cut through most anything, and very loyal. It always comes back.”
The decapitated head was already changing back into that of a man. A very dead man.
I turned away and was violently sick.
By the time I had recovered, the man in the fedora had left the room. I ran after him and called out, “Do we still have a deal? I get half of the fee.”
He was stepping into the elevator and did not turn round as he replied, “Yeah, sure. I’m going to collect it now. I’ll meet you later to hand over your share. Be at the alley where we first met, at midnight. And don’t be late.”
The doors slid closed behind him.
I punched the air and said, “Yes!”
I was too wired to head home or go for a drink so once again found myself pacing the streets.
I was excited at the prospect of the cash coming my way, but I wanted more than a pay-off. I wanted to be back on the trail of a monster. I wanted the rush of the confrontation. The elation of victory.
Sure, I was green and I knew there was no way I could strike out on my own. But the way forward was obvious. I had persuaded the man in the fedora to partner up with me once. I would do that again.
I was still telling myself that as I waited for him in the alley. It was five minutes to midnight.
Then midnight came and went and there was no sign of him.
I told myself not to worry. He would be there soon, with my money, and I would seize my opportunity to change my life forever.
But, by one a.m., I was still alone.
I cursed the man in the fedora. Did he think he could rip me off?
Well, there was no way I was going to let that happen.
I set off for his base.
It took me hours to get there on foot. I was exhausted but still furious, until I saw that his door was hanging open.
I knew that someone as security conscious as him would never have left it like that, and my anger dissipated.
My nerves tingling with dread, I slipped inside – to be met by a shocking sight.
The man in the fedora was lying on the floor in a pool of blood.
“No,” I cried out and ran forwards. I knelt next to him and tried to find a pulse, but there was nothing.
I began to weep. And as I did so, laughter drifted from the edge of the room.
I span round. A tall, pale figure dressed all in black walked into view. His eyes were pools of darkness. My mind flashed back to the lone figure in the bar.
The vampire.
Was this his kin?
“You did this.” I spat the accusation out.
The pale figure smiled. “I took my revenge.”
I was shaking as I screamed at him, “You murderer!”
The pale figure shook his head. “No. I did not kill him, because there are worse things than death I can inflict. You will see.”
Then, he walked away, out into the night.
My mind was racing. I needed to do something. But, what?
I decided I should take care of the body first. It was an empty shell now, but I still wanted to treat it with respect.
I grabbed a towel from among the things on the floor and began to clean away the blood. I stopped when I saw two wounds on the neck.
They were small and deep and I knew in my heart what they were.
Bite marks.
I recalled the vampire’s words: … there are worse things than death I can inflict.
And now when I looked down at the man in the fedora’s chest, I could see it was moving. This was so slight, it was no wonder I had missed it, but there was no question now. He was not dead.
He was undead.
I knelt there and watched as his chest rose and fell, as his eyes opened.
I could see the pain in them, the confusion.
“What happened?” he asked. His voice was very faint.
I told him. There was no point in lying. No way back.
And he knew that. Better than me.
“I can’t exist like this. As a monster,” he said in a quiet, weary voice.
Then he asked me to help him get up. I supported him as he struggled to his feet. He took off his fedora and handed it to me.
It was dawn by now and the sun was starting to reach into the room through the skylight.
He began to move through the shadows that remained towards the still open door.
He hesitated for a moment on the threshold, perhaps remembering his own life, perhaps summoning the courage he needed, then he stepped outside.
Through the gap, I could see the smoke rising from his exposed skin as the sunlight touched him.
I closed my eyes. I could not bear to watch.
I stayed like that for a long time. After a while, I moved over to the sofa and collapsed onto it.
I felt more alone and lost than I had ever done in my whole miserable life. The world was infected by evil. How could I find my place in it now my eyes had been opened to this?
At dusk, I made a decision.
There was one thing l could do. One thing I had to do:
Take revenge.
The need for this burnt white hot inside me.
I put the fedora on, picked up a stake and stepped outside.
The rain struck the streets as I stared out into the night. The lights of cars blurred as they passed, and sirens rose and fell in their endless serenade.
I took a deep breath. Excitement and fear mingled inside me. It was time to go to work.

Company Name	Title	City
United States Secret Service	Criminal Investigator	Norfolk
United States Secret Service	Criminal Investigator	Richmond
Seven Hills Animal Hospital	Veterinarian	Forest
Claws & Paws Animal Care	Veterinarian	Powhatan
Rosendin Electric	Project Risk Manager	Alexandria
New River Community Action	EHS Teacher	Check
EIT	.NET Tester	Danville
The Phoenix At Harrisonburg	Deli Cook	Harrisonburg
Westminster Canterbury	RN	Lynchburg
Air Line Pilots Association	Budget and Financial Analyst	Mclean
Air Line Pilots Association	Administrative Assistant	Mclean
Clark Transfer	Owner Driver	Virginia Beach
Central Research	Financial Analyst 3	Alexandria
NOVA Parks	Events Coordinator	Alexandria
Carter Machinery	RENTAL SALES REPRESENTATIVE	Annandale
COMPU DYNAMICS LLC	Fiber Optic Technician	Chantilly
COMPU DYNAMICS LLC	Electro-Optics Technician	Chantilly
Central Research	Financial Analyst 3	Herndon
NOVA Parks	Event Planner	Lorton
NOVA Parks	Party Planner	Lorton
NOVA Parks	Events Coordinator	Lorton
Carter Machinery	Rental Sales Agent	Sterling
Carter Machinery	RENTAL SALES REPRESENTATIVE	Sterling
Guidepost Montessori	Infant and Toddler Montessori Assistant Teacher	Aldie
[solidcore]	Head Coach & Community Manager - Ashburn, VA	Ashburn

Hey guys, here are some recent job openings in va. Feel free to comment here or send me a private message if you have any questions, I'm at the community's disposal! If you encounter any problems with any of these job openings please let me know that I will modify the table accordingly. Thanks!

Company Name	Title	City
The Oregon Clinic	Medical Assistants (Multiple Openings)	Portland
American Red Cross	Chief Development Officer	Portland
Deloitte	Employment Tax Manager - Global Employer Services	Portland
Deloitte	Audit & Assurance Manager	Portland
Holiday Inn - Columbia Riverfront	Lobby Attendant (Night)	Portland
VIP Hospitality Group	Accounting Assistant	Portland
Adidas	LTD-Senior Product Owner - Global Team Sports	Portland
Ferrellgas	Truck Driver $3,000 Sign-On Bonus!**	Portland
VCA	Immediate Openings Lead Certified Veterinary Technician Portland	Portland
Garmin International, Inc.	Immediate Openings Senior Optical Design Engineer Portland	Portland
Artech Information System LLC	Build and Release Engineer (IOS)	Portland
Kforce	Remote Lead Polygot Software Engineer	Portland
Society of Hispanic Human Resource Professionals	Chief Human Resources Officer	Portland
American Heart Association	Region Business Operations Director	Portland
Talence Group LLC	Director of Operations	Portland
Girls on the Run	Program Director	Portland
Portland Community College	Director, STEP & Pathways to Opportunity Statewide	Portland
Bridgeway Professionals	Financial Advisor	Portland
Women in Retail	Senior Vice President of People	Portland
Danaher Corporation	Consumables Technical Field Sales Specialist (REMOTE)	Portland

Hey guys, here are some recent job openings , feel free to comment here if you have any questions, I'm at the community's disposal! If you encounter any problems with any of these job openings please let me know that I will modify the table accordingly. Thanks!

Company Name	Title	City
United States Secret Service	Criminal Investigator	Richmond
Blue Ridge Bank NA	EVP - Chief Human Resources Officer	Richmond
Early Autism Services	Behavior Technician	Richmond
Burger King/Carrols Corp	Restaurant Staff Team Member Crew - 974	Richmond
The Brass Tap - Craft Beer Bar & Restaurant	ServeBartender	Richmond
Mosaic Restaurant	Host/Hostess	Richmond
Crothall Healthcare	Off-Site Maintenance Supervisor	Richmond
St Jardins - Richmond, VA	Senior Dot Net Developer with Blazor	Richmond
PartnerMD	Patient Services Representative (PSR)/Medical Receptionist	Richmond
Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas	Software Engineer Java and Cloud Service/Angular Developer	Richmond
Saint Francis Home	Concierge- Assisted Living Facility	Richmond
Crothall Healthcare	HOUSEKEEPING OPERATIONS MANAGER, Days, Richmond, VA (1166428)	Richmond
United Language Group	Medical Site Credentialing Specialist	Richmond
Compass Behavioral Solutions	Child Behavior and Family Support Specialist	Richmond
Rapid Technologies	Sr. Java Program Analyst	Richmond
Comtec Information Systems	Systems Engineer	Richmond
Rapid Technologies	Java Program Analyst	Richmond
Candlewood Suites	Part Time Front Desk Receptionist	Richmond
Blue Ridge Bank NA	Immediate Openings EVP Chief Human Resources Officer Richmond	Richmond
East Providence	Director, Software Engineering	Richmond

Hey guys, here are some recent job openings in richmond. Feel free to comment here or send me a private message if you have any questions, I'm at the community's disposal! If you encounter any problems with any of these job openings please let me know that I will modify the table accordingly. Thanks!

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Rules for the Sterling Void: The Valley of Gods and Monsters
You need a change. You need some excitement. Your life feels like it’s been mis-sold to you. Damaged goods that you’re desperate to return, but sadly, you were born out of warranty. You hate your job. You hate your home. You don’t have any family or friends that you feel you can connect to. Student loans, mortgages, bills overdue. You left your dreams to gather dust and crumble like some ancient artifacts in a museum’s stock room. When did it all go so wrong? Nothing has turned out the way you hoped it would when you were a kid. It’s all just been a series of compounding mistakes. Why did nobody tell you that, after a certain point life just seems to get worse and worse? It’s not that you want to die. No, that isn’t it at all. You want another throw of the dice. You want to start again, at a different place, in a different time. You want to go somewhere where you can begin anew, with a completely clean slate. That’s when you first hear about the Sterling Void: The Valley of Gods and Monsters.
A mysterious valley that was said to be home to powerful gods and terrifying monsters. Despite the warnings of the locals, you just cannot resist the allure of the unknown and decided to seek out the valley. After many days of arduous travel through rugged terrain, you finally find yourself at the entrance to the valley. There, you see a sign with a seemingly otherworldly language that makes you uneasy and a lectern with a blue scroll on top of it, a sense of dread washes over you and, just as you take a step forward, it hits you, literally, a note hits you in the face, it contains a set of petrifying rules, but your curiosity gets the better of you. You take a deep breath and step into the valley, fully unaware of the horrors that await you. As you walk further into the valley, the you begin to notice strange things. The colours of the plants and rocks seem to shift and change, and the sky above you is a deep shade of purple. You hear whispers in your ear, but when you turn around, no one’s there. Suddenly, you feel a tug at your feet and look down to see tendrils of mist wrapping around your ankles, pulling you down.
You tried to fight it, but it’s no use. You are dragged down into the mist, and when you finally emerge, you find yourself in a completely different world. The sky is a shade of silver, and the ground beneath you is made of shimmering white crystals. The air is thick with the scent of burning incense and the sense of unbelievable petrifying dread, and you can hear chanting in the distance. This is the Sterling Void, explorer and the you are now trapped there, but you wanted this and you are to blame. You knew that you had to follow the rules if they wanted to survive in this strange and dangerous place. And so, begins your journey through the Valley of Gods and Monsters, where you might face unimaginable horrors yet discover incredible secrets that may change your life forever.
Take a deep breath, adventurer, and savor the scents of burning incense and warm air. Listen closely to the wyverns chirping, inviting you to join them in eternal flight. But beware the staring imps, giants, ogres and griffins, ready to pounce at any moment. An insolent stare and you’ll be in their grasp, a glob of flesh. Remember the note you found, its warning ringing in your mind: 'Follow the rules or perish.' You shudder at the thought, but you're determined to make it through the Valley alive. You pull out the crumpled note as a reminder and steel yourself for the journey ahead. It reads the following -
Rule #1: Do not look at the gods or monsters, some of them are incomprehensible to humans in their "natural form" and, their mere presence can drive a person insane. Although it's not the case for all of them, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Rule #2: Make as little noise as possible. The gods and monsters can hear even the slightest sound and, if you're too obnoxious or noisy, you might be stripped of your soul.
Rule #3: Do not touch or disturb any objects that appear out of place, as they may be cursed or possessed by malevolent entities. These objects may include ancient artifacts, unusual stones, or unusual markings on the ground. If you encounter such objects, it is best to avoid them altogether and move on. Attempting to interact with them or take them may lead to disastrous consequences, such as being possessed by a vengeful spirit or cursed with a never-ending torment. Always exercise caution and respect for the supernatural forces that inhabit the Sterling Void. The objects in the valley can bring forth unspeakable horrors.
Rule #4: Only eat fruits and vegetables, as they are provided abundantly by the plants. Do not harm any animals unless they attack you first, as they are protected by divine grace. However, if the elementals or gods provide you with meat, you may eat it. It is important to follow the rules of supernatural hospitality and show gratitude for their generosity. Breaking this rule will result in severe consequences and you will forfeit the right to your soul and flesh, as it is a sign of disrespect towards the beings that have granted you protection and shelter. Remember, survival is possible without meat, but it is impossible without the protection of the elementals and gods.
Rule #5: Do not breathe in the mist. The mist in the valley can cause hallucinations and distort your perception of reality, making it dangerous to navigate. Cover your nose and mouth with a cloth if you must pass through it.
Rule #6: Do not touch the water unless it is orange in color. The water in the valley is cursed, and those who drink from it will suffer a fate worse than death. If you must drink, only drink from the "gilded water" that is orange in color and has regenerative properties.
Rule #7: Do not make eye contact with the statues. The statues in the valley are cursed, and those who look into their eyes will be trapped in a never-ending nightmare.
Rule #8: Do not trust your senses entirely. The valley can play tricks on your mind, and what you perceive may not always be real. Always verify your surroundings before making decisions.
Rule #9: Do not speak to anyone or anything that could possibly be a malevolent creature. The valley is home to creatures that can mimic human voices, and their intentions are often malevolent. Be cautious and discerning in your interactions .
Rule #10: Do not attempt to leave the valley without proper preparation. The gods and monsters that reside within the valley will make it difficult to leave.
Rule #11: Try to minimize use of light especially if you're out in the open. The creatures in the valley hate it and, and may hunt those who use it.
Rule #12: Do not disrupt the natural order of the valley. The curse that plagues the valley is delicate and easily disrupted. Avoid stepping on any cracks or disturbing the natural environment. Those who break the natural order will suffer dire consequences.
Rule #13: Do not open any doors unless you know where they lead. Some doors in the valley lead to places best left unexplored. If you do not know where a door leads, do not open it.
Rule #14: Do not climb any trees unless it is necessary. The trees in the valley are alive and may trap you if you climb them. Only climb if it is necessary for your survival.
Rule #15: Do not use any technology unless it is absolutely necessary. The valley is a place of ancient magic, and technology may anger the gods and monsters that reside within it. Use technology sparingly and only when it is necessary for your survival.
Rule #16: Do not pick any flowers unless they're orange, pink or red. Most flowers in the valley are cursed, and those who touch them will suffer a fate worse than death.
Rule #17: Do not enter any caves. The caves in the valley are home to creatures best left undiscovered.
Rule #18: Do not follow any "weird" sounds. The sounds in the valley are often a trap set by the creatures that inhabit it.
Rule #19: Should you spot an Inn with a sign or a placard reads "The Guardian's Grin" on the road-side, you’re in luck! You’ve found a traveller’s haven. Feel free to spend as much time as you want here and even stock up on supplies and, if you have need something, feel free to ask the staff for help. However, try not to be a nuisance and, don't overstay your welcome if you turn out to be a nuisance, the owner doesn't take kindly to those who abuse his hospitality. If you make a mess or, are a nuisance, don't stay for more than a day. And, in case you're wondering, none of the inhabitants of the inn are human no matter how human they look or, act.
Rule #20: Do not stay in one place for too long. This makes you an easier target for the creatures in the valley. Always be on the move, and do not linger in any one place for too long.
Rule #21: Do not attempt to communicate with the gods or monsters unless you have a concrete reason to or you really think you need to. They do not like pointless chatter, and attempting to communicate with them without any concrete reason so will only anger them.
Rule #22: Do not walk in predictable patterns. This can draw unwanted attention from the creatures in the valley. Vary your movements and be unpredictable.
Rule #23: Do not look at the sky, the sky looks like it’s made of silver alloys and, it is utterly incomprehensible to humans because of how “perfect” it is. And, can drive them insane, it is called the “sterling void” for a reason
Rule #24: If you see wooden signs or, milestones, do not read them or look at them for too long, they are memetic hazards.
Rule #25: If you hear screams of help, don't answer them. Don't move, you can't run or hide. Simply pray for salvation for heaven's divine grace. Only move when help comes, you'll know when help comes.
Rule #26: If you see an animal that has gone extinct in your universe, don't fret. It's neutral. It won't attack you unless you attack it.
Rule #27: If you see a loved one or, an object that you cherished but, lost, you are in a different plane of reality. The beings in this reality will try to convince you that you are home, and that everything is back to normal. They will try to keep you there, so be careful not to let your guard down. If you stay too long, you may forget who you really are and become trapped in this false reality forever. Keep in mind that even though the beings in this reality may look like your loved ones or your cherished objects, they are not the same entities and cannot be trusted. Stay alert and focused on finding a way back to your own reality. Look for blue-colored entrances and, exits for they are the only way out.
Rule #28: If you find scrolls, pick them up, they're going to be useful. Unless they're black in which case, they're best avoided as they're memetic hazards.
And just as you put the note back in your pocket, you remember the blue scroll, you take it out. It reads "The Nameless One is a fearsome creature that roams the deepest and darkest corners of the Valley of Gods and Monsters. Its origins are shrouded in mystery, and its true name is lost to the ages, but one thing is certain: it is a force to be reckoned with. Towering over its prey, the Nameless One is covered in an impenetrable layer of obsidian armor, and wields a massive hammer that can crush even the strongest of warriors. Its eyes glow with an otherworldly light, and its roar can shatter the very ground beneath your feet. Few have dared to face the Nameless One and lived to tell the tale, but those who have speak of a creature that is relentless, cunning, and utterly without mercy. If you ever find yourself face to face with the Nameless One, pray that you have the strength, the skill, and the luck to survive its wrath. If you see any of his minions, you will know. Stay away from them, if you harm them, you will anger the Nameless one. And don't fall asleep out in the open unless you want to become food for his minions
Remember, these rules are not to be taken lightly. They're more than just words on a piece of paper. They're like the Nameless One's eldritch serpentine minions, crawling underneath your skin, snaking through your blood and flesh, like a caterpillar playing host to thousands of wasp larvae. Although you may feel weakened, tired and disoriented, it's crucial to push through. Shake off the feeling and continue with unwavering determination. Your survival hinges on your ability to persevere. And, do keep in mind that sometimes you might have to violate these rules but, do not break any of these rules unless explicitly told to ignore a given rule. Only trust notes from me( You'll know if a note is from me) and, non-black scrolls. Do not trust any other source of information though you can try your luck with certain gods, fairies and elementals . But, not all rules necessarily have to be correct. And, do not forget the rules. Forgetting even one of the rules can lead to disastrous consequences.
As you’re about to roll the scroll, you notice a poem at the bottom that reads -
I am a set of rules, both true and false,
Some may lead you right, others may convulse.
Secrets I hold, mysteries I hide,
But beware, dear explorer, for I may misguide.
​
Beware of sneaky contradictions,
And secrets lost in the Void's evictions.
Can you spot the lies, can you see?
Or will they trip you up and deceive?
​
I am a list of rules, some true and some fake,
Read me closely, your life is at stake.
The truth is hidden, the lies intertwined,
Can you spot the deception and leave it behind?
​
But beware, dear reader, for beyond these words,
A darkness looms, like flocks of ominous birds.
The raven is watching, its eyes full of dread,
A symbol of death, of melancholy, and of what lies ahead.
​
You keep exploring.
A voice in the back of your brain keeps chanting "Don’t fall asleep" as you walk.
You keep exploring.

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Strap into your red leather bucket seats, this is a doozy. tl/dr at the bottom.
So, I got word the other day that my '08 Element EX AWD 5sp is on its last legs. A fairly long laundry list of repairs, that would likely cost me more than the car is worth. And that's on top of a phantom cooling issue that hasn't truly been pinpointed by any mechanic, and has caused some pretty frustrating moments. It's likely salvageable, but it won't do for what I need a car for.
What do I need a car for you might ask? I'm not a daily driver. I bike to work, and can walk or bike for most errands. I likely drive less than 10 miles a week, usually.
However, when I do drive, it's typically for weekend trips to go camping, mountain biking, skiing, fishing, whatever. I also do one or two longer road trips around the West a year to see family. I live in Colorado, and spend most of my time outside of there in Utah and Montana. I need a vehicle that is good in snow, can handle bad dirt roads, and is safe and competent on graded dirt roads. I also want to feel safe on the highway, but not totally bored.
You're probably thinking "Get an Outback, RAV-4, or CX5". That's also what I was thinking.
My budget is a max of 15k. I could probably do 20k, but with how infrequently I actually drive for day to day stuff, and the fact that I don't depend on my car to commute, I'd prefer to not spend too much. I'm also working with a teacher salary in a high COL area.
Most of the abovementioned cars I have been seeing within that budget are 5-10 years old, and have roughly 80-120k miles on them. I don't see many RAV-4s for less than 17. I also grew up with a bunch of Subaru people, and know (anecdotally ) that around the 100k mark things start to need more frequent repairs. (Correct me if I'm wrong here).
Then I remembered an old friend that had a 1999 Isuzu VehiCROSS, the Iron Man edition.
(Link: https://www.caranddriver.com/reviews/a35873856/1999-isuzu-vehicross-by-the-numbers/ )
He's a very meticulous car nerd. Between that, his Subaru Baja, FJ Cruiser, Miyata, WRX, and RV (plus his wife's Tuscon), he had his hands full. He's willing to part with it.
He's offering me 8k for it.
It's a 1999 Iron Man edition. 170k miles (20k less than my Element) 80% Tires, just replaced water pump, timing belt, brakes, filters, etc. He is also the kind of guy who washed and detailed his cars monthly, and was always a step ahead of maintenance. Other than some sun bleaching on the Iron Man logo, it's in near pristine condition with wear items replaced.
Upon reading that review, I noticed them talking about braking performance being stellar, and a stiffer suspension feel. While the mileage isn't amazing, it's not far from my Element, and around what a Tacoma that costs 4x as much would get. I feel like it wouldn't be a bore on the highway, but I'd also feel pretty safe in it.
The drawbacks for me are cargo space and the cramped rear seat. But, it's usually just my girlfriend and I, and I can get a roof box. We are small people, and could pack lighter anyway. She also has a boner for the car, but she owns a '98 T100, so her taste is good but not practical =)
TL/DR:
In short, I'm totally in love with the idea of this car, and other than a couple of practical quirks, I feel like it's not a terrible choice. Even if it's less convenient, I feel like the joy I would have with owing and driving it would outweigh those things, and I must admit, the cool points of showing up at a trailhead with a Japanese James Bond moonrover make me giddy.
So. On one hand, I could do the "responsible" thing and get a newer Outback or something comparable. It would be likely medium high mileage and could possibly need expensive work in the future. Most of those worth getting IMO are pushing the limit of my budget.
Or, do I do the fun thing and get my dream car for well within budget, and assume the risk of repairs with an older, exotic car with higher mileage? Sure, it's been very well taken care of, but it's still almost my age. But. Just look at it.
Any advice would be very welcome. If it seems like I've talked myself into this, you aren't entirely wrong, but hearing others opinions really does help.

Major League Soccer

MLS 360 Stream

Home	Away	Time	TV	Match Thread
New England Revolution	New York City FC	7:39 PM	Apple TV Free	Match Thread
Toronto FC	Charlotte FC	7:39 PM	Apple TV Free	Match Thread
FC Cincinnati	Inter Miami CF	7:39 PM	Apple TV Free	Match Thread
Columbus Crew	Real Salt Lake	7:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread
Atlanta United FC	New York Red Bulls	7:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread
Orlando City SC	Nashville SC	7:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread
Philadelphia Union	Sporting Kansas City	7:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread
Los Angeles Galaxy	Seattle Sounders FC	7:55 PM	FOX/Apple TV Free	Match Thread
FC Dallas	Portland Timbers	8:39 PM	Apple TV Free	Match Thread
Chicago Fire FC	DC United	8:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread
St Louis CITY SC	Minnesota United FC	8:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread
Colorado Rapids	Los Angeles FC	9:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread
San Jose Earthquakes	Houston Dynamo FC	10:39 PM	Apple TV Free	Match Thread
Vancouver Whitecaps FC	CF Montreal	10:39 PM	Apple TV	Match Thread

Live Updating Comment Stream

NWSL

Home	Away	Time	TV	Match Thread
Kansas City Current	Portland Thorns FC	12:50 PM	CBS	Match Thread
Chicago Red Stars	Houston Dash	2:00 PM	Paramount+	Match Thread
Racing Louisville FC	Washington Spirit	3:00 PM	Paramount+	Match Thread
NJ/NY Gotham FC	OL Reign	7:30 PM	Paramount+	Match Thread
San Diego Wave FC	North Carolina Courage	10:00 PM	Paramount+	Match Thread

USL Championship

Home	Away	Time	TV
Hartford Athletic	Orange County SC	2:00 PM	ESPN+
Detroit City FC	Rio Grande Valley FC Toros	4:00 PM	ESPN+
Loudoun United FC	Colorado Springs Switchbacks FC	4:00 PM	ESPN+
Indy Eleven	Las Vegas Lights FC	7:00 PM	ESPN+
Miami FC	Memphis 901 FC	7:00 PM	ESPN+
Tampa Bay Rowdies	Birmingham Legion FC	7:30 PM	ESPN+
Monterey Bay FC	San Antonio FC	10:00 PM	ESPN+
Oakland Roots SC	New Mexico United	10:00 PM	ESPN+
Sacramento Republic FC	Louisville City FC	10:00 PM	ESPN+
Phoenix Rising FC	San Diego Loyal SC	10:30 PM	ESPN+

USL League One

Home	Away	Time	TV
One Knoxville SC	Union Omaha	6:00 PM	Postponed
Richmond Kickers	Charlotte Independence	6:00 PM	ESPN+
North Carolina FC	Lexington SC	7:00 PM	ESPN+
Chattanooga Red Wolves SC	Central Valley Fuego FC	7:30 PM	ESPN+
South Georgia Tormenta FC	Northern Colorado Hailstorm FC	7:30 PM	ESPN+

NISA - NISA Live Streams

Home	Away	Time	TV
Chattanooga FC	Gold Star FC Detroit	3:00 PM	Eleven Sports
Maryland Bobcats FC	Flower City Union	7:00 PM	Eleven Sports
Savannah Clovers FC	Michigan Stars FC	7:00 PM	Eleven Sports

^{All Times Eastern}
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hello, earlier today i had an incident and I need to identify a specific make of car.
my information is limited to a basic look at night and a very blurry picture.
information I have: hyundai, 10+ years old, 2005-2010 I think, had 2 round headlights and then 2 smaller round fog lights in the lower part of the bumper. tail lights are just 2 big roundish starting at corners, has a smaller reflector part between taillights and license plate. has that low roof 4 door design, unsure if I had 4 doors but it definitely had a full back seat. no more than a v6 for sure. it was painted kinda bright burgandy red.

Lothli woke up bright and early this Saturday, as always. Then, with a yawn, she checked her phone: April 1st.
Was there something important happening today? I don’t quite remember…
Her thoughts were quickly swept away by the mundanity of her morning routine. Pulling on clothes, brushing her teeth, doing her hair…
And so, she was entirely caught off guard when she arrived in the kitchen.
Her twin sister cackled like a madwoman, stirring a gigantic cauldron smelling burnt iron, cotton candy, and writer’s tears.
“Maishul, what exactly have you done?” Lothli sighed, ambling over to the bubbling cauldron.
“This? Oh, just a little April Fool’s prank!” the other twin giggled before pulling out a miniature figurine of a strange humanoid insect. With a snap of her fingers, the statuette grew to full size, glancing around warily.
“Oh goodness! What’s going on here?” the moth woman exclaimed, seeming more confused than frightened. “What kind of insect are you? I’ve never seen anyone with just four limbs like you two!”
Lothli turned to Maishul, a frown on her face. “Is this Minerva? Did you STEAL her? We’re going to get banned, you know.”
The other twin continued cackling, heedless of Lothli’s wrath. “No, no, I got permission! Look!”
Indeed, the paper Maishul pulled out did have the signatures of one, two… how many authors?!
“Maishul, what the heck have you done?” Lothli huffed. “This is— how do we—”
“Excuse me, but I believe I may be lost?” Minerva asked, her wings fluttering nervously. “While I would love to ask the two of you some questions, I need to return to my lab, if you could point me in the right direction?”
“Oh, I apologize, Dr. Minerva. You’re currently experiencing a dream. Please do forget about this,” Lothli sighed before snapping her fingers and reverting the insectoid woman to her figurine form.
“How exactly are we going to explain this to Polaris?” Lothli deadpanned with her gaze on her happy-go-lucky sibling.
“Oh, I have a good ‘ol industrial barrel of Remove-Yo-Memory. I’m sure it’ll turn out fine!” Maishul grinned back. “Look, look! Let me show you what wonderful scenes I’ve cooked up for everyone!”
Scene One: Art’s Very Bad, No Good Day
I was not having a good day. First, I was thrown into yet another random plane of existence. Dimension hopping was something I wanted to experience no more than one time in my life; thank you very much. And yet, here I was. In yet another random plane of existence with absolutely no say.
“Iklem.”
Second all, I found myself surrounded by these strange creatures. Four legs, shimmering black pelt, bizarre snake-like neck, flat head, creepy singular eye, and that weirdly human voice. Definitely not a fan.
“Iklem.”
The three Iklems crept—
Ahem. The plural of Iklem is Iklemli, Art.
And thirdly, that obnoxious voice ringing out in my head. Who was that? Why were they in my head? And why could they read my thoughts?
Fine. The three Iklemli crept closer and closer, predatory intent clear. I backed away slowly before my phone suddenly burst out with the cheery tune of Weird Al singing, “Just eat it (eat it), eat it (eat it)...”
“I’m in the mother of all situations here, Demoness, and you choose a freaking parody song? Can you at least tell me what the hell is happening here?” I snarled into my phone’s mic, watching the approaching monsters closely.
“M’dear, I hate to say it, but I have no clue what’s happening.” The slight strain in the Demoness’s usually sultry voice gave me pause. That Demoness? Confused? I really was in some deep shit, wasn’t I?
“Could you at least tell me what an Iklem is?” I said, imitating those creatures as best I could.
“My love, how do I explain this? As best as I could tell, at least five foreign dimensions have been forced together into one singular mess. And whoever did it had no grace or finesse at all.”
Tell the Demoness that she has no grace or finesse, either! Hmph!
Rolling my eyes, I communicated the feelings of my new head neighbor to the Demoness.
“Well, dear, tell your new friend that they should consider undoing this fiasco,” the Demoness replied with a sigh. “Whatever the case is, those Iklemli you mentioned are from one of those other dimensions. I can’t tell you a thing about them.”
With that good news, I turned back to the advancing beasts. This was going to be a fun one…
“Maishul, you can’t just break the fourth wall and shove your thoughts into the scene,” Lothli huffed, shaking her head.
“Pfffft!” Maishul blew a raspberry before turning back to her abomination of a cauldron.
“Also, you can’t just swap to first-person narration. We’re in third-person narration.”
“Well, Matt writes in first-person. And I respect our fellow author’s intent; thank you very much!”
Lothli raised an eyebrow in response before pointing to the bubbling cauldron of doom. “You call THAT respecting our fellow authors’ intents?”
“They gave permission!” Maishul pouted before turning back to her inglorious creation. “And you won’t complain once you see my next glorious scene!”
Scene Two: Sloth Squared
Pride’s scowl only grew deeper as he dragged his erstwhile companion along. The swampland around them had warped into a blooming forest, with trees looming large overhead. The various fully intact buildings were most concerning, indicating that the pair had passed into a rift.
“Sloth, GET UP!” he hissed, shaking the lazy layabout.
“Huh? Wuzzit? I’m sleepin…” Sloth snored, already back asleep.
“We’ve got a MAJOR problem here. Pretty sure a rift opened around us, so stay on guard!”
Sloth blearily stumbled to his feet before glancing wide-eyed at his surroundings.
“Holy cow, you’re right! I didn’t even notice. But, man, Pride, I’m so tired… I…” Sloth stumbled a bit further before faceplanting directly into a bed of flowers.
“Dammit, Sloth. This is ridiculous, even for your standards.” Pride leaned down to pick Sloth back up, but something strange was afoot. As soon as he leaned down, an overwhelming surge of exhaustion passed through him as well, and he collapsed on top of his companion.
“Dude, you’re sleeping right on top of a good patch. Can you two move?” A voice lazily drifted into Pride’s mind before he rocketed up ramrod straight.
“Hwa— what!? Oh. A rifter.” Pride composed himself as he stared down at the man who awoke him. About five foot six, with short white hair and red eyes.
“Uh, I’m not a rifter or whatever you just called me. I’m Clear, prince of Sloth. And you?” Clear tilted his head.
“Prince… of me? Ehehe, there’s no prince of me…” Sloth murmured in his sleep.
“Typical rifter, spewing nonsense. Come on, you lazy bum. We’re gonna hide before this gets violent.” Pride turned to drag Sloth away but found his legs unwilling to move.
“Hey, man. C’mon now. You haven’t noticed you’re in a dream yet?” Clear said, his hand extended. “Let’s just talk, alright?”
Pride struggled for a few more moments, then back at Clear. “Alright, alright, never seen a rifter do that before. Calm down, yeah? I’ll chat until this rift collapses.”
“So please, introduce yourself properly this time,” Clear responded, freeing Pride with a flick of his hand.
“Right. I’m Pride, that’s Sloth.” Pride pointed at himself, then at his companion. “Can we go?” “No. Please explain what you are doing here and those wings on your back.” Clear yawned. “Also, don’t use our nation’s name as a moniker. It’s probably disrespectful… or something. Eh, we don’t actually care that much.”
“Huh? We’re here because your stupid rift pulled us in,” Pride hissed. “And these wings? We were born with ’em. No story here. Also, pretty sure we were the ones who had those names first.”
“Eh, the kingdom of Pride wouldn’t be very happy to hear about that,” Clear responded. “But whatever, man. Things have been rather chill ever since a random blob named Sparky fell on top of the Demon King and ate him or whatever. So enjoy the nap, I guess. Mind if I join in?”
Pride rolled his eyes before scooting over to allow Clear access to the flowers. Before long, Sloth and Clear were snuggled up together, much to the chagrin of Pride.
“What the hell am I supposed to do now?”
“Aren’t they just the cutest?!” Maishul exclaimed. “We should make that our newest OTP. I bet Haru would approve.”
“Please don’t ship characters across two different SerSuns,” Lothli replied with a shake of her head. “Also what was that about Sparky eating the Demon King—”
“OKAYNEXTSCENE!!”
Scene Three: Machines, Demons, and The World Tree
There was a rather strange rash of oddly dressed folk in Lugavya lately. Or rather, just odd folk in general.
Rumors flew of a human with bird wings who passed over the town, carried through hurried whispers between the residents. A strange man with fierce red eyes insisting on making ‘deals,’ much to the annoyance of passersby trying to get through their day.
Lena and Veska had met to investigate, unable to keep themselves still while such strange events abounded. No sooner had the two exchanged greetings did two strange men approach, flagrantly discarding any sensibilities on their right to free speech.
“Hello!” the younger one called out before getting his head gently bonked by the older.
“W-what was it? Oh! The greeting we use should have been ‘well met,’ right?” the teenage boy puzzled himself, rubbing his head.
“No. Firstly, as foreign visitors, we do not use that greeting. Secondly, we do not greet them. They greet us,” the older whispered, turning his eyes to Lena and Veska. It seemed at least one of them remembered their manners.
“Peace, strangers. We will not begrudge you for your transgressions. Tell me, what business have you with us?” Lena began.
“We are looking for directions. We have lost our way. Please, would you tell us our current location? Latitude and longitude are preferred, but any notable landmarks will do.” The older man bowed slightly, with the younger following shortly after.
Latitude? Longitude? These words were unfamiliar to Lena and Veska.
“This is Lugavya. Home to Alvedos, the World Tree?” Veska explained, an eyebrow raised. Were these folks raised under a rock or something?
The two men conversed among themselves, their frowns deepening.
“Apologies, but I am unaware of Lugavya. Could you perhaps point us in the direction of the United States?” the older asked, tilting his head slightly.
“Oh, and if you know of any demons, could you put in a word for me? I can’t figure out the ritual to get home without one of them…” the younger added.
The United States? Demons? More unfamiliar terms. Lena and Veska knew these newcomers were oddballs, but this was a bit much.
“I’m sorry—really! But we simply don’t have the knowledge to help the two of you. Perhaps you could head to the Foresters? I’ll give you their location.” Lena rattled off directions to the nearby Foresters’ hall.
“Thank you very much.” The older man stalked off after a stiff bow, and the younger man quickly followed.
“Sticks and stones, what is the world coming to?”
“Was that Megan’s SerSun? All that intricately balanced worldbuilding, and you just shoved random crap in.” Lothli barely held back a sigh. “Also, you didn’t even introduce those two characters. How are our readers supposed to know who they are?”
“This is left as an exercise to the reader,” Maishul tittered into the camera before returning to the glorious mess in her cauldron.
“Next scene!”
Scene Four: The One With No Chill
There wasn’t much that could faze a Huntress.
It was often said that their wills were unshakable. Nothing could cause them to stop them from single-mindedly accomplishing their goal. And yet, Olivia stood dead in her tracks, staring at the abomination across the Dam square.
“I AM OLIVIA. DARK HUNTRESS. SMASHER OF SQUEAKERS. AND THE ONE WITH NO CHILL,” the awful creature that vaguely resembled Olivia boomed.
“That young lass a friend of yours?” Barlow remarked, barely holding back a chuckle.
“Nope.” Olivia chucked one of her daggers at the offending sight, but she deflected the blade with a ripple of its musculature.
“You are weak. You have no strength. Witness me, false Olivia.” The muscle monster took up a ridiculous pose, her muscles overtly flexing.
“I will destroy you. And after that, I will destroy your creator. And I’ll salt your entire bloodline, while I’m at it,” Olivia snarled.
“I would like to see you try, false Olivia. Last time, I was overcome by the power of the Deus Ex Machina. But this time, I will not be struck down.” The monster took a step forward, the cobblestones cracking under her feet.
Olivia flinched. A Huntress does not feel fear. A Huntress does not back down. Yet… in the face of this horrible being… Her mind recalled the near-death experience she had with the Beast. Did she really want to face that again?
She shook her head, clearing it. No. She would finish this. Olivia raced at the mocking facsimile of herself, her onyx daggers at the ready. As she drew closer, she summoned every ounce of strength and struck.
As Olivia flew through the air, the world seemed to slow down.
Ah… this feels… familiar…
“‘Admittedly, Huntress, you are quite the entertainer—”
“No!” Lothli slapped the figurines out of Maishul’s hands, sinking them into the dreadful mire of the cauldron below. “You can’t reuse that line for the third time!”
“But you used it, Lothli. That’s hypocritical!” Maishul harrumphed.
“Yes, because it was the first time we used it. You can’t just reuse jokes like that!” Lothli glared. “And don’t think I forgot about that comment Clear made about Sparky. What. Exactly. Did you do?”
“Uhm, uhh…” Maishul stuttered. “W-Well, I maybe kinda spilled some my Story-Breaking-Plot-Devices into the cauldron on accident…”
“Your WHATS?!” Lothli stared at her twin in disbelief.
“Uhh, it wasn’t a big deal or anything. Just, uh... Scarlet, the Demon King, Sparky, Wan, Pre-Geas Dread Lord Ardus, the plague from , the Deus Ex Machina, the Beast, and the entirety of the United States’ arsenal of nuclear weaponry.”
Lothli shook her head with a sigh. “I’m pretty sure you caused mass human extinction at least three times over.”
“Well! No time to worry about it! Next scene!”
Scene Five: Bea and Ophelia Discover The Wonders of Nuclear Physics
Bea and Ophelia stared at the booklet that had just materialized before them. “Maishul’s Simple Guide to Stealing and Utilizing the Entirety of the United States’ Arsenal of Nuclear Weaponry: For Dummies!” The booklet was decorated with garish stickers of rainbows and glitter, along with cartoonish mushroom clouds.
With a glance at Ophelia, Bea picked up the book. Immediately, her mind was flooded with images and knowledge. Where exactly every nuclear silo in the United States was located. The launch codes and how to bypass the two-key rule. The birth and loving families of each and every nuclear warhead…?
“Bea? Dear? Are you alright?” Ophelia shook Bea gently, concerned. Bea wordlessly handed over the booklet and watched the same information flow through her. The two shared a meaningful glance before turning the manual over. A bright red button sat there, glowing ominously amongst the childish stickers and drawings of shocked faces.
“This is absolutely too dangerous to be left just lying around,” Bea murmured, staring at the booklet intently. Maybe it was a prank some lesser fae put together to induce some concerning but ultimately harmless illusions. But deep down, the two knew this was far more sinister than a simple prank. Plus, there was no fae named “Maishul” that either of them knew of.
“I’m going to have to seal this thing away with the strongest magic I have,” Ophelia declared. With a wave of her hand, ethereal chains weaved around the book. Magical seals whirled through the air, all concentrated on the offending manual. The horrors of nuclear annihilation have been contained with a final clap of her hands.
For around five seconds. Immediately after the ritual was complete, as if to spite Ophelia’s work, a glowing sword descended from the heavens, slicing through the glowing chains and seals like butter. The two barely managed to glimpse the name written on the side: “The Deus Ex Machina,” before the blade landed squarely on the big red button with a satisfying click!
“Shit.”
“So what exactly were you saying about ‘not worrying about it’?” Lothli shook her head in dismay. “How are we going to explain this mess to their poor, poor writers? What are we going to say to Bay?”
“It’ll be fine! I’m not breaking any of the rules on shortstories, which means I totally can’t be banned!” Maishul quipped cheerily.
“That is 100% not how it works.” Lothli crossed her arms. “Don’t drag me down with you.”
“I dunno! You’ll bail me out, right?” Maishul shrugged before returning to her appalling project. “Next scene!”
Scene Six: Sanguia Loses a Fight
These were the end times. The world felt… sideways. The government was in shambles. A plague that turned people into fine, yellow dust had apparently appeared, sweeping the continent from east to west. Yet, there was nothing I could do. Right in front of me, I had my own foes to contend with on the roof of Holos Lucidium.
On my right was a shapeless mass, writhing and transforming, throwing vicious barbs my way. It never introduced itself, but I knew its name from within myself: the Beast.
On my left was a much more innocent figure, at least on the surface. He had slicked-back black hair, brown eyes simmering with self-assured pride, and an easy smirk. And to cap it off, he introduced himself promptly and with great gusto; he was Dread Lord Ardus.
I could attempt to flee, but what purpose would that serve? Even if I got away, which my gut told me was highly unlikely, I would be abandoning my guild to die to these two monsters. So no. I stood my ground here.
“Sanguia. Member of Holos Lucidium.” I balanced my stance between my two flanks, watching both. With a smirk from Ardus and a ripple from the Beast, the fight began.
I quickly discarded the idea of even fighting the rippling mass on my right. It had no blood I could control, and impacting it with my blade would make me stuck. But the Dread Lord was no slouch, either.
As I rushed at Ardus, a tingle in my spine screamed at me to duck. I tucked into a combat roll as a great blast of flame roared right where I used to be.
“Fiesty, aren’t you? Well, that’s what makes it fun,” the Dread Lord growled, licking his lips.
I had no time to respond as a raging, shimmering bull attempted to ram its gleaming horns directly through me. I sprung off the ground, landing just behind the writhing bull. There was no time to go on the offensive; it took all I could to stay alive.
“Stop struggling, Interloper,” the Beast snarled. “I have plans I have to attend to. Plans that do not involve you.”
I kept the undulating mass between myself and my second opponent. My only hope was to promote crossfire. The dagger I held in my right hand felt woefully inadequate for this task.
“You heard the fella. I’ll end this, here and now.” Ardus thrust his hand straight up into the air as if grasping something far above him.
“Dread Lord. May I take this as a sign of betrayal?” The Beast rumbled, a dangerous edge to its voice.
“Nah, I never said I was working with you. You’re too… icky for my tastes.” The Dread Lord tapped his chin thoughtfully. “It’s a good thing you’ll be obliterated in an instant. Ta ta!”
I looked up with a heavy heart, knowing how outclassed I was. There was barely time to say goodbye before a massive ball of light enveloped me in its all-consuming shine. The last thing I managed to think was:
That was an utterly unfair fight.
“Well, the protagonist of our SerSun just died. What now?” Lothli looked at the cauldron in dismay.
“Hey, it’s not so bad! Scarlet is still alive, right?” Maishul dug around in the cauldron before pulling out yet another distended scene. “Look! Here she is!”
“What… is that?” Lothli looked at the scene with equal parts awe and disgust.
“Oh! Well, I really liked Fye’s SerSun, so I made my own! Isn’t it great?”
“Maishul, I think you missed the entire point of his SerSun. Where’s the inter-character drama? Where’s the mystery? Where’s the actual HISTORY?” Lothli poked the off-kilter scene with distaste. “This version of the story is just <Murder.>.”
“Well too bad, dear ‘ol sis! Here! We! Go!”
Scene Seven: Murder Without the History
Hi, I’m Benedict Lushon, Ben for short. Somehow, I think I just unlocked the secret to teleportation. I stand in the middle of the mansion’s dining room, feeling my stomach turn violently. One moment, I was chained in front of a cackling Kyle, and the next thing I know, we’re back in this blasted room. I crane my head, checking who else is here.
Teddy, check. His monocle and top hat are still crooked as he looks around the room, just as confused as I.
Cornell, check. Unfortunately, he still seems to be out cold.
Kyle, check. Wait—
I stride up to Kyle and grab onto his lapels. “What exactly have you done?” I say, shaking him back and forth.
Unfortunately, he seems even more confused by the current events than I am, judging by the bulging eyes and frothing at the mouth.
“W-What exactly happened here!? We were just— and then—” my former coworker manages to sputter out before a booming feminine voice rings out from the walls.
“Heya! What’s up, characters! It’s me, ya girl Maishul, back at it again with another fun murdery twist!” The cheery voice that booms out from the walls contrasts with all the horrors we’ve seen thus far. Also, who talks like this? Did we get kidnapped by one of those Instagram influencers? Ugh, I hate those kinds of people.
“Who are you?! What have you done?!” Kyle screams, his voice cracking. “I have waited YEARS to take my revenge on these fools, and you—”
“Oh. You.” The voice seems displeased at the interruption. “Sorry, I didn’t think your Tuffy plotline was interesting, so I retconned it!”
Now, that was the mark of a bad writer. As a future multi-bestselling author, I know that one of the most sinful things a writer can do is randomly retcon the story. I’m confident this random influencer girl will never go anywhere in her writing career.
“YOU! We were known as the Tufforo family, and we—” Kyle rages before being cut off by the voice again.
“Sorry, don’t care.” A piece of duct tape manifests itself directly onto Kyle’s mouth. I would find it funny if it didn’t demonstrate how supernatural this influencer’s power seems.
“Anyways! Here’s the rules. I’m not really good at that being cryptic thing, so it’ll be easy!” the voice announces with glee. “Here’s my super special sparkly OC, do not steal, known as Scarlet, Scourge of the Americas. She’ll try and chase you down! She wins when you’re all dead. You all win when, I don’t know, she dies of old age or something. You can try to kill her; it won’t work!”
‘Super special sparkly OC, do not steal?’ So, what, did I find myself in some hellish parody of Earth? That must be it. This must all be a very terrible dream. I sincerely hope that none of my readers would ever consider making fanfiction like this of my stories.
“By jove, those rules seem downright unfair!” Teddy finally seems to have found his voice. “Please, good madam, could you let us go? We have already suffered at the hands of that accursed man—”
“Lalala, can’t hear you!” the girl’s voice sang out. “Here she comes! Give it up for… Scarlet!”
A hidden panel drops a… rather regular-looking young woman onto the floor. Why, if I were in charge, I would have ensured that my villain would have a spectacular appearance. Someone as fascinating and spellbinding as Jack the Ripper—
Scarlet dashes at Kyle and [REDACTED]
… … Technical Difficulties
“MAISHUL! What the hell was that?! Is that how you talk when I’m not around? And what the hell was that last section?” Lothli furiously slapped the tortured scene back into the accursed project bubbling menacingly below.
“Well, Scarlet’s kinda messy, so I tried to cover it up,” Maishul pouted. “Also, I was just trying to liven up the scene a bit! Kyle’s so BORING. He speaks in RIDDLES and they make my brain HURT.”
“That’s because you don’t have a single brain cell in that head of yours,” Lothli huffed. “Don’t make such sweeping changes to people’s stories!”
“Well… dear sis, could I trouble you for a favor, since I’m so head empty ‘n all?” Maishul smiled her widest, most brilliant smile.
“What.” The other twin glared back, unimpressed.
“Well, if you don’t want the two of us to get banned, can you help me separate these stories back out? Please?” With a fluttering of her eyelashes and a winsome wink, this would undoubtedly win her sister to her side—
“Deal with it yourself. I’m going to hand out apologies.” Lothli had no sympathy for her twin’s plight.
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Maishul cried. For now, she was burdened with her least favorite task; actual work.
And thus, this tale comes to a close. Nevertheless, its name will ring true throughout the land as the legendary fable known only as “In the Shadow of Machines, Scarlet, and the In Between Geas and the Beginning of the Demon Murder History: Dissonance, also How Did We Get Here?”
Thank you very much for your time. And apologies for my sister.
Lothli, signing off.
Credits: Maishul, Lothli, FTF!Olivia, and the Deus Ex Machina, from u/Lothli’s FTF Serial, Minerva and the plague, from u/PolarisStorm’s Art, Demoness Virtua, Sparky, and Dread Lord Ardus from u/mattswritingaccount’s Iklemli, Lena, and Veska from u/MeganBessel’s Pride and Sloth from u/Helicopterdrifter’s Clear and Alex from u/Carrieka23’s Talix, Sanguia, and Scarlet from u/Lothli’s Olivia, Barlow, and the Beast from u/Not_theScrumPolice’s Wan, Bea, and Ophelia from u/ZachtheLitchKing’s Ben, Theodore, Cornell, and Kyle from u/FyeNite’s The Entirety of the United States Arsenal of Nuclear Weaponry from the United States.
Special thanks to u/OldBayJ, which this fantastic feature would be impossible without.

Prearranged with laur_leo

I have always been a fan of Jack Monroe (Nomad). And I despise how he was killed off by Winter Soldier. So a few months out of boredom I wrote this... I posted it here (with images) too - http://comicreliefpodcast.com/archives/2627
​
Today…
Tradition.
It’s something we do all the time; force of habit, superstitions, memorial – whatever the reason, we all have our traditions.
My name is Bucky Barnes. I was once known, throughout history, as Captain America’s side kick, “Bucky” fighting those Nazi soldiers, such as Red Skull, who sought to destroy the world. In that war, it was believed that both Captain America – Steve Rogers – and I had perished. Steve was found, frozen alive – in suspended animation, years after the war. I had also survived, but at the cost of my arm.
I wasn’t found by American soldiers, or friendlies. I was actually found by Russians, who took me – broken as I was – and gave me a robotic arm, and made me a part of their organization. You see, surviving the explosion had also destroyed my memories. I had no idea who I was – only the muscle memory of fighting, as I’d learned to do from Captain America.
As this “Winter Soldier” – I did a lot of things. A lot of things I wasn’t proud of. For example, I blew up a part of downtown Philadelphia and then tried to frame Jack Monroe, Captain America’s other “sidekick” for it. But it wasn’t enough that I was going to frame Jack Monroe, I also shot him, in cold blood, when he was defenseless and threw him in my trunk.
It would turn out that Captain America would get a hold of the Cosmic Cube and force me to remember everything. All of my sins. All of the things I’d done.
​
They forgave me. Said I wasn’t in control of who I was.
That made things worse, really. I wanted to feel like I should be punished. But Steve… he was shocked… maybe happy to see me alive. But when I told him what I’d done to Jack, I saw that pain in his face. The hurt. He wasn’t close to Jack – they’d have their difference, but I know Steve had always felt like Jack was the one that Steve could never help.
I ended up taking Jack’s body and burying it at Green-Wood in Brooklyn. I’ve made it a tradition to come out here – and say I am sorry. Because in the end, Jack didn’t have anyone. He’d lost touch with Steve Rogers, lost touch with the kid he’d adopted – she now goes by Julie Winters. I’ve found her. Send them money to take care of them every month as a mysterious benefactor. I don’t want the credit. I don’t want to be known. I just want to try and make some of the things I’ve done wrong, right now.
​
Imagine my surprise, when I arrived today – just like I did every year, and his grave is dug up. But there’s something weird – it’s not that someone dug up this grave. It’s like whoever was inside, clawed their way out. But how can that be? I know it’s Jack that was in this grave. And I shot him point blank. He was dead when I put him in the trunk. He was dead when I buried him here. I’m certain of it.
​
Three Months Ago…
Darkness!
Where am I?
I can barely move my arms? Am I in a coffin?
Memories… like a shattered mirror. Fragments. Broken. So many reflections. So many faces. Bucky. Nomad. Scourge.
Bucky.
Wait. What’s the last thing I remember?
Pull yourself together.
Pick up the pieces of the mirror.
My name is Jack. Jack Monroe.
Last thing I remember – there was someone – a drug lord in town – I was drinking at the bar. Went outside. Someone said my name.
Gunned me down.
Dear Lord, I am inside a coffin.
I take a deep breath – pull my arms close to my chest and push up on the roof of the coffin. It barely moves.
Then I remember Doctor Jane Foster. She said I was dying. My body was falling apart, killing itself.
How am I alive? If being gunned down didn’t kill me, then time should have finished me in.
And yet – as I push on this coffin lid, I can feel it giving way. It’s creaking. My strength had been giving out, just before I was gunned down – how is it back?
​
The lid finally cracks, breaks, and dirt begins pouring into the grave. It’s like swimming in concrete, digging my way out. When I finally breach, I take a deep breath of fresh air – and see I have just dug myself out of my own grave. A concrete marker reads:
Here Lies Jack Monroe;
A Hero The World Needed
Taken Too Soon.
​
That’s… nice.
As I pull myself out and sit on my own grave mound, I can see someone’s come by visiting my grave. Who? Cap, maybe?
Who gunned me down?
Was it one of those drug lords?
Was I getting too close?
I brush myself off – head over to a second hand clothing store, and manage to convince the store clerk to give me some clothes. I head back to the bar – see if they have some video footage.
The bartender tells me it’s been almost two years since he’s seen me.
Have I been gone for two years?
I ask about the video footage – he says he’s not sure if he has it that far back. He comes back and gives me a drive – said it’s been recorded over, but if I am techy enough I might be able to pull something off the drive.
I just happen to have a fair share of tech, if my storage space is still good. Should be. I prepaid it for ten years – told them I needed privacy. When I got free of the “Scourge” nanites, I ended up working with the Thunderbolts – even checked up on them a little later. But I kept the equipment I’d gathered when I worked as Scourge.
Going back – I am easily able to recover the old data on this drive. It takes a few sweeps of the program – but even when it’s done – I make it do a few more scans. Because it can’t be right.
The person who shot me – he looks a lot like Bucky Barnes, Steve’s side kick who died in World War II.
But every scan tells me this is the cleanest image – I’ll be damned, Bucky Barnes tried to kill me.
Well, he did kill me.
​
Today… Green-Wood Cemetery…
“What the Hell is going on?”
“When you came at me, you shot me in cold blood, in the dark, no chance to even fight,” a voice calls out from the dark. “I think the bullet proof Kevlar vest may have protected me, or something else… but I am going to give you a chance to explain yourself.”
Bucky Barnes turned around, “Who?”
“You don’t recognize the man you murdered?” the voice called back.
“I’ve murdered a few people in my time,” Bucky growled, hands going to his weapon he always carried. “Care to elaborate?”
“We had something in common, you and I,” the voice calls out. “We both fought side by side next to a Captain America. You fought next to Steve Rogers, I fought along side a slightly deranged man by the name of William Burnside.”
“Jack? Jack is that you?” Bucky called out, still unable to determine where Jack’s voice had been coming from.
“Winner, winner,” Jack Monroe’s voice replied. “So why did you do it?”
“Shoot you?” Bucky called out after a moment. “Would you believe mind control?”
“Another thing we have in common,” Jack responded. “I was mind controlled, as well, once. It’s amazing what they forgive when you tell someone that you were mind controlled, right? I shot a killed a young girl named Helen Takahama – better known as Jolt, from the Thunderbolts. Turns out, she’s got something in common with you and I – looks like she came back from the dead too. Just can’t keep a good fighter down, can you?”
“So why are you here? Why are you hiding? Why all the questions?” Bucky called out, his gun drawn. “Is this revenge?”
“Revenge?” Jack’s voice called out, almost laughing. “I don’t need revenge. But the thing is, I want to test myself. I’ve been out of the game. And I’ve done some reading on you – you took over Cap’s thing after he got ‘killed’ too. You’ve done a lot – even left a new version of the Thunderbolts… see how the thread of our lives keep weaving together? So pardon me if I give you the same treatment you gave me…”
At that moment, Jack, who’d used the Pym particles he’d used with the Scourge outfit, grew to incredible size, striking Bucky with an uppercut that sent him flying. “All of my life,” Jack continued, as he slammed his fist down into the ground, barely missing Bucky, “I’ve lived in someone else’s shadow. Whether it was William’s or Steve’s. If I wasn’t living in someone’s shadow, I was being manipulated.”
Bucky fired a number of rounds from his gun; but the bullets in his gun were not the kind that would kill a target – rather the electrical pulse would trigger upon impact. One bullet was enough to down an elephant easily – six shots into the enlarged Jack Monroe, and he wasn’t showing any signs of slowing down.
“When I was struggling with myself, when I was with Steve, he’d tell me about some of the things that Pym had gone through – his own crisis of life – even how Hawkeye, for awhile lost himself – going from archer to giant man! We all are weak. It wasn’t just me.”
As Bucky got to his feet and scrambled up a tree to get a clean shot Jack, out of nowhere – a glider nearly missed him – but he was able to duck, grab the bottom and swing himself on top of it, gaining control of the glider. This, he’d recognized as the same glider that Jack had used as Scourge. Bucky leapt at Jack from the glider, but at that moment Jack reduced himself to normal size; and the two tumbled on the ground before both standing on their feet.
Bucky had his gun at Jack’s temple, but Jack had drawn a short that had been shrunk to full size and had it under Bucky’s chin.
“Don’t make me pull this trigger, Jack.”
“Don’t make me pick your brain clean with my sword, then.”
Jack withdrew the blade first just as Bucky holstered his gun.
“What was this really about?” Bucky asked.
“It really was about proving I could still fight. When I dug myself up from that grave,” he gestured to the grave that he’d dug up again, “I was still trying to piece myself together. When I got out – I found out it’d been you who shot me. I didn’t know why. But as I did my research, I knew what happened. I started following you. Learned your pattern. Knew you made it a tradition to visit the grave, when I tapped into the cemetery’s surveillance footage. I even found the footage of myself – the time I thought I was beating up drug dealers, and in my confused state of mind, turns out it was every day people. But I don’t know why or how my strength came back. How my mind feels clear again. How I became me again.”
“Let me help you,” Bucky extended his hand. “I want to help. I want to make this,” he gestured between them. “Whatever this is – I want to make it right.”
​
Avengers Mansion
Hank Pym folded his arms across his chest as he stared at the computer read outs.
“What do you got for me, doc?” Jack asked, sitting in a chair nearby.
“As far as I can tell, Doctor Jane Foster was right,” Pym explained, pointing out some scans. “I can see here where you body seemed to be killing itself. Your immune system turned on itself. But, by the looks of it – when Bucky shot you – your body ‘died’ – but it didn’t really die. It simply shut down. As far as I can tell, between the super soldier serum that was destroying your body and the nanites – something created a very unique reaction. It literally appears as if your entire body went into a state of hibernation. The best way to describe this read out, Jack is that – your body underwent something similar to a caterpillar’s life – when they enter the cocoon stage – and during the pupa stage, the old body literally dies and a new body forms inside the protective shell known as a chrysalis. Your old body died, to make way to a new body that has adapted to all that’s been done to it, creating this new body. Your new body shows no signs of the serum at all – but you have super natural strength and agility, as we saw with the tests we’ve run.”
“So I am all cured?” Jack asked with a smirk.
“Cured, I guess, would be a way of explaining this,” Pym agreed. “I’d like to run some more tests – and test the limits of your strength and agility. It seems pretty close to Steve’s.”
“That’s all right, doc,” Jack stood up and put on his jacket. “I really don’t want to be compared to Steve anymore. I’m my own person now.”
To Be Continued?

Respect The Chief

You're home now. We could finally make an officer of you. You'd have Admiral without much of an argument from anyone.
No offense, sir, but "The Admiral" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Master Chief Petty Officer John-117 is the most important figure of the human race in the mid-26th century. Abducted at the age of six by the Office of Naval Intelligence (ONI), he was conscripted into the SPARTAN-II program. The initiative was originally designed to crush human rebellion against the Unified Earth Government as the human Insurrection movement neared its tipping point. John endured harsh physical and mental training, survived the physical augmentations required by the program, and was later matched with state-of-the-art Mjolnir battle armor.
Throughout his training and early career, John emerged as a clear leader among the Spartans and was set to lead a successful UNSC campaign to stop a brewing human civil war. Though through circumstance, he became the sole savior of the human race several times over. First, in the face of an alien hegemony called the Covenant--an advanced alien empire bent on the complete destruction of humanity. Later, against an eldritch parasite known as the Flood which toppled both the Ancient Human and Forerunner empires of the past. Most recently, John defended humanity against the efforts of an ancient Forerunner general called the Didact, who returned to take his revenge against humanity for wars fought a hundred millennia in the past.
Notes

• Feats are shown in chronological order in-universe
• Feats showing relevant scaling or context will be indented
• Hover over a feat to see the source.

Height: 6'10" // 7'2" (In armor)
Weight: 130 kg // 451.3 kg (In armor)

General Info (Augmentations / Mjolnir Armor)

Pre-Augmentation / Training
Spartans were heavily trained almost daily since they were kidnapped at the age of 6, leading them to become physically and mentally prime by the young age of 14 even before receiving their augmentations.

Dr. Halsey marveled at what a spectacular physical specimen he had grown into. Fourteen years old and he had the body of an eighteen-year-old Olympic athlete, and a mind the equal of any Naval Academy honors graduate.

Description of an unaugmented 14 year old John; The Fall of Reach Ch 6

Augmentations
Codenamed Project: ASTER, the Spartan candidates were augmented to drastically increase their physiology and physical capabilities. Their bones were laced with powerful material to make them 'virtually unbreakable', their muscle tissue density was increased and lactase recovery time was decreased, they were given hormones to boost skeletal and muscle growth, increased eyesight, and had their nerves altered to drastically increase reaction time.

• At the age of 14, Spartans could sprint at bursts of 55 kph (~34 mph) and had estimated reaction times of 20 milliseconds, though they would likely be significantly higher in combat due to adrenaline. They could lift three times their body weight and they have night vision.

MJOLNIR Armor / Stat boosts

The feats in this RT will sorted by which armor John is wearing, as each iteration of Mjolnir armor increases his abilities further.
Unarmored - These feats occur after John receives his augmentation, but without any Mjolnir armor. They also all happen to occur when he is 14 years old and still recovering from his augmentations.
MJOLNIR Mark IV - The Mk IV was the first iteration of armor given to John and the rest of Spartan II's at the age of 15.

• General description, it doubles it's wearers strength and increases reaction times by a factor of five.
  • Their reaction times were previously given to be a low end of 20 milliseconds, meaning with Mk IV it is at a low end of 5 milliseconds.
• The suit is so reactive and powerful that normal humans would be torn apart trying to use it.
• The suit can operate in vacuum by recycling air for 90 minutes. It is also shielded against radiation and EMP.
• The armor possesses motion sensors and thermal imaging to detect enemy troops.
• The armor is almost immediately given additional prototype upgrades, such as thrusters, surveillance drones, wrist-blades and active camouflage.
  • The active camo allows Spartans to walk right in the middle of a group of soldiers without them noticing.

Neural interface / Onboard Computer
Mjolnir armor is linked to Spartans with a neural interface, which means they simply have to think and the armor would perform an action. Combined with the onboard computer, it allows Spartans to do things such as place Waypoint markers, or targets on their HUDs with a thought.

• An example of its use during a fight, John can move his limbs with a thought to overwhelm attackers.
• The suit 'knows what John is thinking before he does', it's able to control the suit functions and John can control the suits thrusters with his thoughts.
• The onboard computer can predict where artillery shots would land during an artillery barrage, and guide them to safer locations.
• Spartans can share targeting data.
• Mjolnir's onboard computer can place HUD markers at designated targets.
• The onboard computer can calculate probable landing zones for enemy dropships.
• Mjolnir predicting the optimal time to dodge plasma cannon fire from Banshees.

MJOLNIR Mark V - Deployed almost two and a half decades after the previous iteration of MJOLNIR, the Mk V now possessed recharging energy shields but retained the same double strength multiplier as the Mk IV.

• General description, it includes two major improvements being the addition of rechargeable energy shields and the ability to house an AI (See previous Cortana section).
• The suit has sound receivers that can hear a whisper a hundred meters away.
• Energy shields begin regenerating 5 seconds after last being hit and take 4 seconds to fully recharge from a total drain (Gameplay).

Cortana - Cortana is the AI that was paired with Master Chief for Operation: REDFLAG, she is present for the feats that occur while John is wearing MJOLNIR Mk V and most while wearing Mk VI.

• Cortana provides tactical and strategic information to John in the field, is able to infiltrate computer and communication systems and greatly improves John's reaction time.

Hacking

• Cortana was loaded with ONI's best insurgency/hacking software in preparation for Operation: RED FLAG.
• While put to work checking the ssytems of a UNSC warship, Cortana runs through ONIs computesecurity systems on the planet Reach for fun, easily overwhelming other ONI AIs.
• She hacks a Covenant carrier, first from the outside disabling it's weapons and communications systems for a short while, allowing her squad to board it. Then when aboard the ship she develops a path for her ground team, gives false tracking info to the Covenant hunter-killer teams and ultimately vents the ships atmosphere killing most of the thousands of Covenant aboard.
  • Outside of Cortana, the Covenant were generally far above the UNSC in terms of network security, with Dr. Halsey comparing the Covenants understanding of human systems within a few weeks of first contact to the UNSCs understanding of the Covenants after several decades.

MJOLNIR Mark VI - Due to the UNSCs rapid advances in technology, the Mk VI was deployed less than two months after the Mk V rendering it obsolete, containing major improvements in both shielding and stat multipliers.

• The Mk VI increases the wearers strength by a factor of 5, making them 2.5x stronger than in previous Suits. The Suit also has self contained biofoam injectors, pumping Spartans full of the UNSCs miracle drug in case they are ever injured.
  • Biofoam stabilizes most wounds and allows limited combat ability even in the event of limb loss.
  • A Spartan suffering from a gruesome headshot has his wound filled with biofoam and is back in combat within a relatively short time.
• The Mk VI's energy shields are much more powerful and recharge a lot faster.
• Energy shields begin regenerating 4.25 seconds after last being hit, and take 1.75 seconds to fully recharge from a total drain (Gameplay).

MJOLNIR GEN 2 - The second generation of MJOLNIR armor developed after the Human-Covenant war ended. Every aspect of the armor has been improved upon and thrusters are now built into each set of armor, drastically increasing maneuverability.

• Every suit now comes with built in thrusters.
  • Spartans can use their thrusters to effectively fly.
• The armor expects when combat is coming and optimizes it's systems automatically.
• GEN 2 armor has 360 degree vision that sees far into the EM spectrum.
• Magnet Boots - Allows Spartans to fight while walking vertically down the side of a skyscraper sized ship.
• The armor has self repair systems in case the shielding and suit is ever pierced.

Skill

Unarmored

• At the age of 14, John kills/cripples four ODSTs easily. - literature version
• John alongside three other Spartans capture a bunker from guards wearing the Mjolnir Mark I armor, which would have taken 2 to 3 platoons of Marines to capture. - Mjolnir Mark I info/picture.
• Spartans have been trained to fight in zero gravity.
• Spartan IV candidates are trained in several martial arts such as Aikido, Jiu-Jitsu and Krav Maga. Presumably the Spartan IIs are heavily trained with them.

Mk IV

• At the age of 15, John alongside Kelly, Fred and Linda wiped an army of well over 100 Covenant, including several Elite Ultras, Zealots and a Field Marshall.
• John and his Spartans are trained to identify high value targets based off subtle visual cues, making it easy to snipe enemy commanders.
• While defending a planet over the course of a few days, John alongside the rest of Blue team destroyed over 100 Wraith tanks.
• Speedruns through a Covenant carrier alongside Fred and Kelly.
• Both Dr. Halsey and Cortana conclude John is overall the best Spartan.
• He has been awarded every major service medal except the Prisoner of War Medallion.

Mk V

• During Johns testing for the Mk V armor, he faces off against a fighter jet that is so fast it regularly travels in and out of visible range. John tanks it's 50mm autocannons, then deflects and tanks an anti tank missile, afterwards sprinting away at 66 mph though he tears his Achilles tendon doing so.
• While fighting a particularly massive (10 ft+ tall) Sangheilli in low gravity, John uses his skill to beat the Elite even though they were evenly matched in strength.

Mk VI

• John escapes deadly situations so often that he almost believes that death is optional for him.
• He's confident he can wipe out an entire Covenant unit of 50 infantry and 4 Wraith tanks without any heavy weapons, but he chooses to save a group of soldiers instead.
• Merks 40+ Brutes by himself.
• Each Spartan II has 'the equivalent combat power of an entire Sector Fleet'.
• John is proficient in all aspects of infantry tactics, as well as low gravity combat. He is able to effectively lead detachments the size of battalions, and UNSC personnel of all ranks generally defer to his leadership.
  • John was offered to be made an Admiral by the UNSCs Fleet Admiral and head of their Security Council, but he refused.

GEN 2

• Alongside Blue team, John fights through a massive army of Prometheans.
• Spartans are able to punch out the Warden Eternal while evading his sword swings.

Strength

Unarmored

• During John's first time working out while recovering from receiving his augmentations, he notes that 1 G of gravity feels too light and 2 G's feels more normal.
• 14 year old John breaks the bones of ODST's and disfigures them with his strikes.
• At 14 years old, Spartans could not train against normal humans anymore due to repeatedly killing them by accident, so their trainers had to be placed in Mjolnir Mark I armor.
• At the age of 14, John kicks a man wearing a MJOLNIR Mark I exoskeleton eight meters away.
  • Another child Spartan could dent the heavy metal plates of the armor with his punches, the armor is impervious to light weapons.
• At the age of 14, John wrenches and rips a 30 millimeter minigun off a MJOLNIR Mark I exoskeleton with his bare hands.
• Shortly after receiving their augmentations, Spartans could lift three times their body weight.

Mk IV

• The Mk IV doubles it's wearers strength.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR he could shatter concrete targets with a punch
• John lifts a Spec Ops Elite overhead and folds him on his own energy sword.
• 15 year old John lifts and throws a cargo sled that was large enough to haul an entire platoon alongside a couple of pieces of artillery, and long enough to hold two Spartans lying end-to-end.
• John buckles the leg of a Special-Forces/Bloodstar Elite sideways with a stomp.
• John beats the arm of a Silent Shadow Elite until it's wrist is snapped sideways.
• Effortlessly punches through a weapons locker that was undamaged by a man bashing it with a large gas canister.
• John can effectively wield 110 kg Gauss cannons and use them for hit and run attacks against a column of 50 Covenant tanks.
• At the age of 16, John is able to withstand 12 metric tons of force on his legs.
• While 16 years old, John gets pinned down by an alien spider-like vehicle that was larger than a Warthog but it doesn't crush him, he is able to partially lift it. He also implies he has pushed Warthogs off of him before.
• Rips a steel and bullet-proof glass security door off of its steel reinforcing on a wall.
• An Insurrectionist general believes John can rip him in half.
• Crushes a Jackal's skull with a kick.
• John, alongside three other Spartans (one of whom was injured and missing an arm) push a 3x3x6 meter quartz monolith, an object that would weigh over 125 metric tons.
• John travels while carrying a half-ton Spartan over his shoulder.
• The Franchise Development Director of Halo, Frank O'Connor, states that Spartans can flip and bench press tanks, which correlates with their in game ability to flip tanks.
  • Halo CE's manual states that flipping vehicles is accomplished by his strength.
  • While flipping tanks is a high end / outlier for Spartans wearing earlier armor, GEN 2 wearing Spartans have been shown flipping tanks with only the shock wave of their strikes.

Mk V

• The Mk V possesses the same 2x strength multiplier as the Mk IV, so he should be able to replicate these feats in the previous Mk IV section.
• Runs through a field of razor wire, snapping them effortlessly.
• While specifically holding back to not kill them, John cripples many ODST's who are trying to kill him. Notably John breaks alot of bones, pulls a gun that is being held by an ODST so hard his shoulder dislocates, and bends the barrel of an assault rifle rendering it useless.
• A trio of Grunts landing on him and attempting to take off his armor is laughable to him.
• Caves in the skull of a Grunt with a pistol-whip.
• A melee attack breaks a Jackals energy shield gauntlet and launches him off of a cliff.
• Flips a Warthog.
• Flips a Warthog again but this time from grabbing it by the bumpers.
• Cracks the spines of a pair of elites with his strikes.
• Punches through a human skull inside a Flood Proto-Gravemind
• Crushes the skull of an elite with a punch and again reiterates he is strong enough to flip Warthogs.
• Crushes the skull of a Grunt with the butt of his assault rifle.
• Spartans are able to punch though tank armor.
  • Wraith armor is completely impervious to .50 caliber AA rounds.
  • Wraiths are durable enough to tank shots from their own mortars, which vaporize titanium battle plate, concrete and flesh within a twenty meter radius.
  • Spartans wearing Mk IV are shown in official artwork to be able to rip open tanks and toss armored Brutes (>1 metric ton) away with one arm.
  • A random Spartan wearing Mk V is able to destroy Covenant tanks in H2H, and several Spartans hold off a Covenant army of 30000.

Mk VI

• The Mk VI increases the wearers strength by a factor of 5, making them 2.5x stronger than in the previous Mk IV and Mk V Suits.
• Punches through the head of a Jackal.
• Tosses a Brute behind him.
  • Armored Brutes weigh over a metric ton.
• John can punch through UNSC ship metal.
• Tanks a melee attack from a Promethean Knight, then punches it off of him.
• John can rip off the arms of Promethean Knights and impale them with it.
  • Promethean Knights are strong enough to toss around Warthogs which weigh 3 metric tons.
• John stabs into the hull of a Lich (Covenant ultra heavy siege platform) while free falling with no leverage.
• John can overcome an Elites energy shielding with a single punch.
• Pushes and kicks a missile hammer several meters. (A 2x3x1.5m block of Titanium which is roughly the dimensions of the missile hammer would weigh over 40 metric tons.)

GEN 2

• Lifting Warthogs (3 metric tons), bending steel and shattering concrete is a baseline feat for all Spartans, not indicative of their limits.
• John shatters a Battle Rifle by hitting Spartan Locke with it.
• Overpowers Spartan Locke.
  • Locke is strong enough to flip over a 42.3 tonne tank with the shock-wave of his attack, effortlessly fly and run through walls as well as tackle aircraft out of the air, and boost through the bulk of a massive stone statue.
• Spartans can snap the necks of Elites.
• Spartans can instantly kill an Elite with a two-handed strike.
• Spartans can rip through Forerunner Armigers.
  • Forerunner Armigers are strong enough to throw humans dozens of meters away.
• Spartans can kill a Forerunner Armiger with a stomp.
• Spartans can punch out the legs of the Warden Eternal.

Durability

Mk IV

• The Mk IV doesn't possess energy shields, it relies entirely on the armor plating for protection.
• The armor has a refractive coating to help disperse incoming energy attacks.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR, bullets were harmlessly deflecting off his armor.
• The Mk IV can tank numerous Covenant Carbine shots, though they come close to penetrating the armor. Covenant Carbines fire 8x60mm projectiles at hypersonic (mach 5+) velocities making them far more powerful than almost any modern small arms.
• A .50 caliber depleted uranium round fired from an AA gun glances off John's armor.
  • [Limit] A young Kelly states that sustained fire from that weapon would penetrate the Mk IV.
• Tanks fire from hundreds of skilled marksmen with their rounds only 'dinging' his armor.
• Tanks plasma fire from a Covenant Ghost.
  • Ghost plasma is stated to be 5000 degrees.
• Tanks the nearby detonation of 1 MT nuke (John was at ground zero and had only 30 seconds to sprint away before it detonated).
  • Nukemap stats - Because the event was on a moon with minimal atmosphere and gravity, the heat and radiation figures are much more important.
• Tanks Covenant Needle and Spike rounds that can separate an ODST into pieces.
  • In the same novel it's stated that ODST's wear bullet proof armor that is effective at tanking armor piercing rounds, and someone wearing that armor harmlessly tanks small arms fire from several shooters.
• Tanks several Needle Rifle shots, with the needles shattering off his armor.
• Shrugs off being directly hit by a Hunters 2 ton shield.
• Spartans can tank anything short of a direct hit by a Wraiths plasma mortar, which vaporize everything within a 20 meter radius.
• Tanks Plasma Rifle fire from a hundred Drones who were chasing after him.
• Harmlessly tanks a nearby grenade detonation that spatters his faceplate with shrapnel.
• Spartans in Mark IV have similar durability's to light tanks.
• Covenant Needler shots bounce off his armor.

Mk V

• The Mk V is the first armor to possess energy shields, with each further iteration of armor gaining much more durable energy shields.
• A three round burst from an MA5B assault rifle drops his energy shields a 'hairbreadth'.
• Tanks shots from 30mm chainguns without even noticing he was being hit and without his energy shields breaking.
• Tanks 50mm autocannon fire from a jet without his energy shields breaking.
• Tanks the detonation of a nearby Scorpion missile designed to take out tanks. He was launched six meters and the missile itself created a two meter deep crater, though his energy shields did break.
• Covenant Needler shots bounce off his energy shields.
• Tanks a lifeboat crash that ripped open the craft and mangled everyone else aboard.
• Tanks a shot from a Hunters fuel rod cannon without his energy shields breaking and can tank direct hits even when his shields are low on charge.
• Tanks a melee hit from a Hunter while his shields are already low from tanking a fuel rod shot.
• Tanks an explosion from crashing a Banshee into a wall without any injuries.

Mk VI

• Tanks crashing into the Titanium hull of a warship at an extremely high velocity.
• Unharmed by a nearby Wraith's plasma shot which killed three other soldiers who were further away from it than him.
• Unfazed by a massive explosion.
• Tanks plasma fire from 6 Hunters.
• Tanks the detonation of a point blank plasma grenade that vaporizes a Brute Chieftain and scorches close to a dozen nearby Grunts.
• [Tanks a fall from orbit onto the Earth, and while his armor locks up automatically due to the impact, John himself is uninjured.]( "Halo 3")
  • Official artwork shows John falling from orbit.
• John tanks the laser blasts of 343 Guilty Spark, a Forerunner Monitor.
  • Another Spartan wearing slightly worse armor tanks more Forerunner monitor attacks, which are powerful enough to vaporize Hunters who weigh 5 metric tons and are covered in starship armor.
• Tanks being hit by a Warthog at very high speeds.
• Tanks a fall from orbit onto the planet Requiem completely unharmed, crashing into a lot of debris along the way.
• Tanks a melee attack from a Promethean Knight and punches it off of him afterwards.
  • Promethean Knights are strong enough to knock around Warthogs which weigh 3 metric tons.
• Unharmed after being thrown into a wall extremely hard by the Didact.
• Tanks a slipspace rupture crash that creates a massive crater from his impact (Ghost for scale).
• John had his evolution accelerated by the Forerunner known as the Librarian, giving him an immunity to the Composer which digitizes living creatures.

GEN 2

• Survives getting his head crushed by the Didact, then being thrown into Fred extremely hard.
• Tanks an extremely deep fall without any problem.

Speed

Unarmored

• John notes how objects appear to move in slow motion to him shortly after receiving his augmentations
• Special Forces appear similarly slow to John.
• John could move in blurs and was able to dodge point blank stun rounds from a 30mm cannon.
  • Another child Spartan dodges the stun rounds in mid air.
  • 14 year old Kelly dodges fire from several shooters and is too fast for the self-targeting system to track.
• At the age of 14, Spartans could sprint at bursts of 55 kph (~34 mph) and had estimated reaction times of 20 milliseconds, though they would likely be significantly higher in combat due to adrenaline. This is shortly after they received their augmentations and is expected to increase as their bodies adjust to the changes, and likely as they age as well.
  • Spartans experiencing the world in slow motion due to adrenaline is something they refer to as 'Spartan time'.
• [Limit] John is unable to completely dodge close range fire from three shooters, getting hit by three bullets.

Mk IV

• The Mk IV increases it's wearers reaction times by a factor of five. Their reaction times were previously given to be a low end of 20 milliseconds, meaning with Mk IV it is at a low end of 5 milliseconds.
• The first thing John does in MJOLNIR is move his arm almost FTE to his already augmented self.
• During Johns first test of MJOLNIR at the age of 14 he was fast enough to dodge bullets.
• Evades fire from hundreds of skilled marksmen while he was in a low gravity environment that limited his maneuverability.
• Moves to block a Needle Rifle shot after it was fired.
• Moves out of sight of several people faster than they could see.
• Jogs at 25mph for 10 kilometers alongside other Spartans.

Mk V

• ODST's move in slow motion to John.
• Dodges bullets after they are fired by an ODST, and again but after they are fired by three ODST's and again.
• With the help of Cortana, John deflects a Scorpion anti-tank missile that was tracking him.
• Immediately after tanking an anti-tank missile, John sprints ~66 mph across a half-kilometer distance though he tears his Achilles tendon doing so.
• He's able to dodge the laser weapons of Forerunner Aggressor sentinels.

Mk VI

• Immediately sprints at a speed of ~45 mph from rest.
• Intercepts and blocks a Covenant Beam Rifle shot after it's fired from roughly 30 meters away, which is a weapon that fires at ~Mach 10.7.
  • Another Spartan wearing the same armor dodges beam rifle shots twice including once from point blank. It's also being fired by a specialized Spartan Sniper if there are any doubts on it's accuracy.
• Maneuvers in mid-air to dodge gunfire from numerous Brutes.

GEN 2

• Spartans can avoid a sword swing from the Warden Eternal without even looking.

Marksmanship

• While running, John scores several headshots on Jackal snipers with his pistol.
• While Sprinting at around 45 mph, Chief is able to land multiple head and neck shots on several Jackal snipers who are around 30 meters away from him, shooting fast enough that his Magnum shots bleed together.
• Spartans can routinely land accurate sniper shots over a kilometer away while they are on the move.

Mobility

• John could balance atop and leap across ten meter tall wooden poles 10 centimeters in diameter even though he weighs half a ton in his armor.
• Spartans can jump ~25+ meters vertically onto a moving vehicle using his thrusters. (Mammoths are 27.1 meters tall.)
• Without using thrusters, Spartans can leap into the air 'like crickets' and engage aircraft.
• Spartans can easily scale cliffs.
• Spartans in GEN 2 armor can use their thrusters to effectively fly.

Endurance

• At 15 years old John is capable of sprinting 7 kilometers while expecting to do combat immediately after.
• 16 year old Blue Team covers 19 kilometers in 33 minutes, stopping twice to do weapon checks, running on rough terrain with support equipment, and running with their weapons in their hands. Roughly 24 mph sustained over 19km, with no intended rest before initiating combat.

Other Spartan Feats / Additional Scaling

Weapons / Equipment

Enemies / Additional Scaling

The four Spartans that composed Blue Team covered his back, standing absolutely silent and immobile in their MJOLNIR combat armor. Someone had once commented that they looked like Greek war gods in the armor … but his Spartans were far more effective and ruthless than Homer’s gods had ever been.