Anna from a million little things
A Million Little Things
2018.04.22 22:34 magikarpcatcher A Million Little Things
Official sub for ABC's new drama "A Million Little Things"
2020.10.04 00:52 coolmanjack fuckdeannalorraine
For all of the batshit crazy things said by the dismal failure of a Republican Representative from California that is DeAnna Lorraine.
2016.07.21 15:19 davidistheverybest Lin Manuel Miranda
A subreddit for all things Lin Manuel Miranda.
2023.03.28 19:51 dgbdfhghdhdfh Ari Aster Reveals Next Project Will "Almost Certainly" Be a Western
The 'Beau Is Afraid' director hopes to reunite with Joaquin Phoenix on the project.
While Ari Aster's new film Beau Is Afraid has yet to be released into theaters, the director is already thinking about what's next, revealing in an interview with The New York Times that his next project will "almost certainly" be a western. While the genre may be an unexpected shift from Aster's usual horror outings, the director may be joined by a familiar face as he teased the star of his upcoming project Beau Is Afraid, Joaquin Phoenix, may return to star in the proposed western film.
While Aster may be about to release only his third feature-length film, the director has already poised himself as somewhat of a horror icon, and has certainly established himself a creative force through his chillingly surreal films: 2018's Hereditary and 2019's Midsommar. It comes as a little surprise then that the auteur's next project would take an unexpected direction, should the film in fact take form as a western.
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2023.03.28 19:51 No-Switch3546 Watch John Wick: Chapter 4 Movie For Free Online
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John Wick: Chapter 4 Description:
With the price on his head ever increasing, legendary hit man John Wick takes his fight against the High Table global as he seeks out the most powerful players in the underworld, from New York to Paris to Japan to Berlin
The fourth installment of the John Wick franchise is set to hit theaters on March 24th 2023. Fans of the hit action-thriller series have been eagerly awaiting the release of John Wick Chapter 4. Keanu Reeves will be returning as John Wick, the legendary hitman, who is now facing the consequences of his actions in the previous movies.
This time, he will be taking his fight to the international level, as he seeks out the most powerful players in the underworld. The action will take him to New York, Paris, Japan, and Berlin. Lance Reddick is also returning as Charon, the concierge at the Continental Hotel. Scott Adkins will be joining the cast as Killa, a powerful figure in the underworld. Donnie Yen will also join the cast as Caine, a mysterious figure from John Wick’s past.
Bill Skarsgård will be playing the Marchese de Gramont, a powerful figure in the underworld. Rina Sawayama will also join the cast as Akira, a mysterious figure from John Wick’s past. The fourth installment of the John Wick franchise is set to be the most explosive yet, as John Wick is forced to go up against the High Table. He will be facing powerful figures from all over the world, and he will be putting his life on the line to protect those he cares about.
The action sequences are sure to be thrilling, as John Wick takes on the most powerful figures in the underworld. The John Wick franchise has been a box office success since it first hit theaters back in 2014. The first movie grossed over $88 million worldwide, while the second and third movies grossed over $171 million and $326 million respectively.
So, it’s safe to say that the fourth installment of the franchise is highly anticipated. John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an epic action-thriller that will keep audiences on the edge of their seats. The cast and crew have been hard at work, and fans of the franchise can expect an explosive movie. The movie is set to release on March 24th 2023, so mark your calendars for what is sure to be an epic action-thriller. Keanu Reeves will be returning as John Wick in John Wick Chapter 4, a movie that is sure to be an explosive action-thriller. He will be taking his fight against the High Table to the global level, as he seeks out the most powerful players in the underworld.
The action will take him to New York, Paris, Japan, and Berlin. Fans of the John Wick franchise have been eagerly awaiting the release of John Wick Chapter 4. The fourth installment of the franchise is set to be the most explosive yet, as John Wick is forced to go up against the High Table. The cast and crew have been hard at work, and fans of the franchise can expect an explosive movie. John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an epic action-thriller that will keep audiences on the edge of their seats. The movie is set to release on March 24th 2023, and it is sure to be an unforgettable experience. With the price on his head ever increasing, legendary hit man John Wick is set to take on the most powerful players in the underworld, from New York to Paris to Japan to Berlin. John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an explosive action-packed movie, with thrilling action sequences. Fans of the franchise can expect an intense and thrilling movie when it hits theaters on March 24th 2023. With Keanu Reeves returning as John Wick, and an all-star cast, John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be a movie that will have audiences on the edge of their seats.
John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an epic action-thriller that will keep audiences on the edge of their seats. The movie is set to release on March 24th 2023, and fans of the franchise can expect an explosive movie. Keanu Reeves will be returning as John Wick, and he will be taking his fight against the High Table to the global level, as he seeks out the most powerful players in the underworld. The cast and crew have been hard at work, and fans of the franchise can expect an explosive movie. Lance Reddick is returning as Charon, the concierge at the Continental Hotel, while Scott Adkins will be joining the cast as Killa, a powerful figure in the underworld. Donnie Yen will also join the cast as Caine, a mysterious figure from John Wick’s past. Bill Skarsgård will be playing the Marchese de Gramont, a powerful figure in the underworld. Rina Sawayama will also join the cast as Akira, a mysterious figure from John Wick’s past. The fourth installment of the John Wick franchise is sure to be the most explosive yet. With the price on his head ever increasing, John Wick must take on the most powerful players in the underworld, from New York to Paris to Japan to Berlin. The action sequences are sure to be thrilling, as John Wick takes on the most powerful figures in the underworld. The John Wick franchise has seen immense success since it first hit theaters back in 2014. The first movie grossed over $88 million worldwide, while the second and third movies grossed over $171 million and $326 million respectively. With the fourth installment of the franchise set to release on March 24th 2023, fans of the franchise can expect an epic action-thriller that will keep them on the edge of their seats. John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an intense and thrilling movie. The cast and crew have been hard at work, and fans of the franchise can expect an explosive movie.
With Keanu Reeves returning as John Wick and an all-star cast, John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be a movie that will have audiences on the edge of their seats. So mark your calendars for what is sure to be an unforgettable experience. John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an epic action-thriller that will keep audiences on the edge of their seats. The movie is set to release on March 24th 2023, and it is sure to be an unforgettable experience. With the price on his head ever increasing, legendary hit man John Wick is set to take on the most powerful players in the underworld, from New York to Paris to Japan to Berlin. John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an explosive action-packed movie, with thrilling action sequences. Fans of the franchise can expect an intense and thrilling movie when it hits theaters on March 24th 2023. With Keanu Reeves returning as John Wick, and an all-star cast, John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be a movie that will have audiences on the edge of their seats. John Wick Chapter 4 promises to be an exciting and thrilling movie experience, with an incredible cast and an explosive action-packed story. Fans of the franchise can expect an epic action-thriller when the movie releases on March 24th 2023. John Wick Chapter 4 is sure to be an unforgettable experience, with John Wick taking on the most powerful figures in the underworld. So, mark your calendars and get ready for an incredible movie experience.
2023.03.28 19:51 justjack-nodaniels Anyone else identify with Bob "not" having ADHD?
CW: ED behavior
Like everything he is describing is WHY I didn't get a proper diagnosis until I was in my mid-20s.
When you've got non-hyperactive inattentive ADHD, aren't failing classes, are technically doing fine in life - people don't peg that as ADHD or something that NEEDS accommodations or medication. But I can't emphasize the huge difference there is (from personal experience) of getting through things and thriving.
As someone who had debilitating anxiety and a really bad binge/purge eating disorder for years, getting medicated helped both of those struggles 97%. And I'm definitely not saying that everyone with ADHD will see their anxiety disappear or never struggle with ED thoughts/behaviors again, but the difference in my ability to cope is night and day.
So for Bob and anyone one else who listened to him talk about his experiences and thought "Hey, that's me" - it may not hurt to look up an online assessment and consider talking to your doctor about treatment.
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2023.03.28 19:51 Babyspice27 I just need to vent bc this is ridiculous
So I'm 31 yr old woman, I recently had a baby as well with my husband and for some reason my parents want to eagle claw into my skin every chance they get, so I've been on my families phone plan since I got my first phone at 13.
I am 31.. that's an issue and embarrassing AF simply bc my dad has a fit whenever I bring up any type of independence for myself he makes it about something else
My son is very well taken care of by myself and his father who he lives with, my mortgage is paid, my electric, paid, water bill and gas, paid. My dad and I do share this house on paper just because I was starting a new job when we needed the loan so he got the loan out in his name but I pay all the bills.
Well today I decided I'm going to get my new phone since everything else is taken care of, I want to make it clear that boundaries are not something my parents are aware of or ever have been. They will forever see me as a inept child and that's also annoying As hell since I'm grown as hell. Well I call my mom first and she's surprised but on board and goes ok well you should at least let dad know. I text my dad and he is immediately on defense with snotty messages about how the phone isn't paid off until 10 months from now. Ok. So boom I tell him ok well I have been paying that so just keep charging me that for 19 months then but I'm going to get the phone today so I won't be using the old one. He immediately loses his shit but like any toxic parent it's " well since you want to be nasty, your husband isn't doing enough and he should be paying for more than the mortgage and how will you keep up with that, him and the baby, you still owe me money for this this this and that" and names things that are literally in my name and get taken out of my account. So nope another lie. Then I tell him simply " I'm not being nasty I'm literally just telling you what I'm doing, I don't have to ask you permission to buy myself a phone with my money I make and I also don't owe you any of those names expenses because their all taken out of my account" now the real toxic shit comes in where he just keeps repeating about my relationship, my 20 year old brother in law staying with me and how he has an issue with that, my baby being born and me not waiting until he was born to go on maternity leave and receive payments a month late, ALL THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH A FUCKING PHONE. when I tell you today is one of those days I want to just cut ties and tell him to stick this house in his enlarged ass hole that he somehow got his head stuck in I mean it. I didn't need your help, you offered, I could've waited and I pay every single one of my bills. On time 💁🏽♀️ so fuck you and your stupid fucking toxic bullshit. Did you want me on the plan till I was 80? Want my son on the plan with you too? So instead of saying all of this I say you're making it about something that it has nothing to do with and in in no way being disrespectful I'm telling you I'm doing it, I don't have to ask permission of how to use my hard earned money and after today I won't be using the phone but will continue to pay you for it for 10 months so just let me know when the contract is over. He insists on being snotty, ruse and disrespectful so no I've blocked him and honestly these are the times when I look at my son and I'm like Jesus lord help up, I hope you make boundaries with these two long eforenindecided to
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2023.03.28 19:51 shay7an How to turn it off
I’m over generalizing but I feel as though there are two types of people. Those who can get distracted by their work when their personal life is a mess and those that can’t think of anything but their personal life and are distracted from work.
I’m the latter. When things are stressing me out in my personal life I cannot for the life of me focus on work. All my energy and thoughts are on the particular personal issue at hand. I sometimes stare at my computer and cry. I’m in therapy but I don’t think it’s enough.
So my question is, how do you all focus on work when life is stressing you out?
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2023.03.28 19:51 Calgrin 27M looking for friends to chat with
Hi there my name is Charlie, I’m from England and I’m looking for friends! I have trouble making friends irl because I’m so shy and introverted so I figured I’d post here. I’m into sports (football) gaming (I’m really into the souls games) going for walks and just being outside in general, it helps with feeling trapped in my room where I tend to get quite sad, I used to draw stuff, but because of work I honestly don’t have a lot of energy to do much 😅 I like watching films, food things (making and eating 😅) and listening to a lot of different music too. There’s probably more I can’t think of right now because my memory is so bad 😅 If any of this sounds good to you then feel free to throw me a message! I’ll try my best to get back to you as soon as possible! please be 18+ cheers! Take care!
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2023.03.28 19:50 cg1308 Steeldive SD1953 ‘Hulk’ first impressions review
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Newly arrived today from AliExpress sale. First comment: superfast delivery. Ordered on March 20th, arrived on March 28th (UK) - super impressive. It’s solid with decent heft but not too bulky. Polished sides with brushed top surfaces. Really nice printing on the dial and I particularly like the embossed crown and caseback. The applied indices and hands are surprisingly precise and (without using a loop) hold up well to my BB58. I haven’t had a chance to check out the lume yet, but it is noticeable that the indices and hands appear to be a slightly different shade in natural light. My only criticism, and this goes for many watches, is I hate the cyclops. Generally I feel they upset the balance of any watch and I would prefer not to have a date or put it down at 6 to keep the symmetry. This one has surprisingly good magnification, and is at least centred perfectly on the dial so I guess for those of you who like the cyclops you’ll be happy. The bezel is ceramic and has a reasonable movement, slightly less satisfying than turning some of my other dive watches, but it has a little reverse play so is reasonable overall. When winding, it is quite tinny, and definitely not as smooth as the Tudor, but the movement feels solid when adjusting the time. Lastly, based on previous reviews, I swerved the bracelet as it was considered a bit cheap and I like a rubber strap anyway. However, the clasp is humorously large! Overall, for £62 delivered, ~2% of my Tudor, I am extremely pleased and can highly recommend. submitted by cg1308 to ChineseWatches [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:50 brieeutiful Anxiety
I used to have a big rave family. We had so much fun! As with all life journeys, we had some falling outs, some friends move away, some leave the scene etc and now only have a group of about 5; and sometimes it’s just my partner and I because not everyone can come or afford the trip. I’ve been getting increasingly anxious when going to festivals with JUST my partner. It feels weird. We used to have such a large group and now it’s just us and we have a hard time talking to new people and making new friends. (We’re in a mid-late 20s)
It’s easy to say “just talk to people”, but we try to do that and as of lately have been getting weird faces and it seems like people are uncomfortable when we initiate conversations! Do people get weirded out by couples? 😂😩
2018,2019 I was able to confidently start conversations with anyone and everyone and I’m feeling like things have changed.
Unsure if it’s 100% my own self esteem/ doubt issues that have developed and preventing me from feeling comfortable. Idk just reaching out to see how anyone else deals with such social anxiety when at festivals. How can I feel comfortable talking to strangers again?
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2023.03.28 19:50 Sugeeeeeee Sell me an Ecumenopolis
First note: I'm not that experienced at the game. Ever since I started Stellaris, everywhere I read online, Ecumenopolis were THEE planet. Like, THEE tippity top of planets, ain't nothing beats an Ecumenopolis.
But the more I play, the more I am disappointed with how underwhelming an Ecumenopolis is. Underwhelming, not bad. You correct me if I'm wrong. The living heart of Stellaris, the crux of this game, the very essence of everything are jobs. Jobs jobs jobs. So let's take mining for example. Mining districts are very limited, you get a random roll on your planets and your game has to be shaped around that. When you find a planet with lots of mining districts, that's fucking terrific. When you get Machine Worlds or Hive Worlds? Holy fucking hell that's broken ass overpowered. Because it provides jobs you otherwise would have struggled to get.
How about Researchers? Researchers jobs are even more limited, in that they're most of the time limited by your Research Labs. And then you find a Relic World, that not only makes your researchers 30% more efficient, but also gives you a whoop ass +8 researcher jobs right off the bat. And then you get to Ring Worlds, which are just mind boggling overpowered
And now we're finally at the star of the post: the Ecumenopolis. What exactly does an Ecumenopolis provide, that has worth? +20% resources from jobs (not affected by planetary ascension), and bureaucrat jobs. In my eyes, "that's it". Quotation marks because that's not a small thing. When I see everyone talk about Ecumenopolis, they mention these "alloy ecumenopolis", but I really can't see how in a regular game that's anything worth chasing after, since alloy jobs are available on literally any planet. It might be exceptionally good, in an extremely tall playthrough where you're limiting yourself to like 4 planets, or in a x0.2 habitable planets game setting, but playing regular games I have never had a game so far where POPS were not the most limiting factor to my production. Meaning, I always have at least 20 unbuilt districts, most of the time a lot more, meaning I always have available on demand alloy worker jobs, if I get the pops for it. And I know how to get pops.
In fact, I can't even see the worth of upgrading a Relic World to an Ecumenopolis. Relic Worlds provide +6 rare resource gatherer jobs and +8 Researcher jobs, both of which are exceptionally rare. Comparing that to bureaucrat jobs is a pretty tight race, and most of the time I just don't restore them. The one guaranteed Ecumenopolis, from the Fallen Empire, I turn into a Unification Center.
The biggest reason in my experience an Ecumenopolis loses a race, especially when compared to Ring Worlds is planetary designation. Planetary Ascension effect on planetary designation bonuses gets really crazy on Ring Worlds, meanwhile on Ecumenopolis ye it might look powerful in numbers by reducing some upkeep, but in practice that doesn't translate to significant benefit.
So to sum the spirit of my post up, I don't think Ecumenopolis are bad, I just think that unlike Machine Worlds and Hive Worlds, they don't really pay off the Ascension Perk required for them. So they'd be a level below those two, and two levels before the behemoths that are Ring Worlds - which mind you don't even require an ascension perk which you otherwise would not have taken (you'd probably take Galactic Wonders anyway). But like I said in the title and the start of the post: I'm still learning, make me WANT to own an Ecumenopolis.
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2023.03.28 19:50 iTyroneW Puck and Skate ODR style??
Is there anywhere I can go to just play some Out Door Rink style hockey? Just bring some pucks my skates and a stick and just hang out? No league or anything? Obviously Out Door Rinks aren't exactly a huge thing here with the weather? or at least I assume? (Moved from Alberta a couple years ago and I'm just missing the ODR atmosphere.)
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2023.03.28 19:50 Difficult-Hair-1032 Trip report(s) - the greatest experience of my life
I have recently had two mescaline experiences separated by two weeks, with very different effects / experiences and post trip effects. These are my first experiences with any psychedelic drugs and my first experience with any drugs other than some weed gummies in canada a few years ago (and of course alcohol, my nemesis).
The first trip I had the top half of my cactus (slightly less than an arms length) which tapered towards the top i.e. maybe as thick as my wrist at the top and thicker at the base. I made a tea using a method described online with about four hours of boiling. Dosing was done by drinking half at 9AM, 1/4 at 930, and 1/4 at 1030
During the trip I felt at 30 minutes a perception shift (I stood outside my house and suddenly noticed an over-perception of birds flying out of nearby trees and an intense focus on them), and a steadily building body high from about the 30-45 minute mark. This continued until about 2 hours when I started having sort of clairvoyant questions and answers (I had gone into the trip intending to try and heal / change my mind about certains quitting alcohol, why do I drink, changing habits, and some other things). From the 2 hour mark I started having alot of intense clairvoyant insight; I recorded myself extensively during this period and was able to write many things down (albeit often in very large writing - body high made it hard to write).
I had alot of insights about alcohol, why I drink, how to stop, habits, some personal aspects of my past (death in the family) and various other things. The answers seemed to me to be coming from 'the cactus' but I suppose they came from different parts of my mind. This period was also intermittent with laying on the grass outside - I had an intense urge to lay on the grass in the sun. I had prepared an area outside with a blanket on the ground and pillows because I had heard this might happen; it turned out to be quite hot (trip started at 9am and it was around 11 when I wanted to lay down). Anyway I went back and forth between the blanket and inside every 15-20 minutes. Hallucinogenic effects seemed to be relatively mild during this period - some multiple imagery of objects in my house and kaleidoscoping of birds (not sure how to describe it - sort of like being hyper-able to see and hear birds in slow motion but also see them at 3 different places at once as they flew across the sky).
From around the 4 hour mark I was overcome by an intense urge to lay in the grass and be in the sun - going as far as taking the blanket away so I could touch the grass. This was the most intense portion of the trip and lasted about 2 hours. I felt myself melting away into the grass and hte urge to ask questions went away. I felt an intense connection to mother earth and felt that all things are connected - people, places, mother earth. I felt myself zooming out of my home in New Zealand to the world and seeing the connections on my street, town, and the world. I also seemed to come up with the words earth mother, sky mother, and volcano mother (I live on a volcano). The body high was less but i felt and intense feeling of love and connection. At this stage I also felt that my brother (deceased) was with me and that because he is part of the earth and sky and I am part of the earth and sky that we are all still connected and he is gone but still here (this point will become important when I describe the second trip). After the peak I came inside best described as goopy, but still with an intense urge to lay down.
Spent alot of time laying down on a long, gradual comedown, still feeling mild hallucinogenic effects and happiness. There was at this stage the first ' sad ' parts of the trip - some crying about my brother and being alone which lasted maybe 10-15 minutes. This was followed by the only 'dark' part of the trip. I had read some flight instructions about essentially facing fear / leaning into it rather than turning away. I saw a demonic, metallic face with my eyes closed - red lights in the shape of the face, and I could read the emotion of the face although it didn't seem to have a face. It alternated between threatening me and threatening people I care about. When it threatened me I did nothing, turned away, did not react, but when it threatened others, I started getting angry and wanting to fight it. As it alternated back and forth it started threatening people I cared about more and more, until eventually it threatened my five year old niece and in my rage I felt myself reaching into the volcano beneath me and sucking the lava out and pouring it into the demon face until it dissolved. I then had the thought that the cactus was trying to show me the difference between how I reacted when it threatened me and how I reacted when it threatened others. The demon face returned, and this time when it threatened me I started it down and told it to leave; it again alternated to threatening my neice; and as I felt the rage building within me again the face developed a look of fear and dissolved. I recorded myself after this saying that I thought it was trying to show me that I don't defend myself or stand up for myself because as a kid I couldn't, but now I can - as demonstrated by the fact that I defeated the demon when it threatened my neice.
The trip gradually faded and around 6pm I started feeling the effects were really wearing off although sunset (around 7:30) was still supersaturated and beautiful. I was finally able to sleep around 9.
The next day I woke up at 6am - one of the things I had asked in my q&a period - and went for a run; something I have been trying to do for a decade with no success (get up and exercise). I then went about my day quite productively. In the evening I went to the store (I habitually drink around 1L of 7% beer a day) but felt no urge to drink; instead I felt drawn to some mandarin oranges. For the next two weeks more or less this carried on (I drank socially at work a few times but that's it) along with an elevated mood and morning running.
Trip number 2 was 2 weeks after the first one (on this past saturday). This time there were some differences in the cactus that are important; the bottom half of the cactus was much thicker, and the full length of my arm rather than just short. It had also been stressed longer (two weeks inside my house mostly in the dark, followed by a few days in the fridge). I also brewed the cactus longer - about 8 hours this time, and made a slight change to the brewing process - the first time I just drained the cactus cuttings to get the water, this time i also put the cuttings of the cactus in a shirt and squeezed all the liquid out.
I have lots of questions again - about 20 of them that I've written down over the past weeks; the most important ones are that I want to be healed and I want to change my habits (there are lots more).
I started earlier, at 6:30 AM. Dosing was done as 3/8ths at 630AM, 3/8s at 7AM, and 2/8ths at 7:15AM (faster dosing than the first time). Felt alot queasier than the first time but not vomming.
Effects came on significantly faster. 10 minutes after the first 3/8ths, I felt a tingling sensation in my legs that was quite significant. I figured this one was alot stronger. By the time I took the second 3/8ths the body high was kicking in massively and a perceptual shift at started - again the hyper-perception of the birds including noticing birds flying out of trees several houses down and suddenly being aware of the noise of and being able to see the birds in the trees in my yard.
Around 7:45 the hallucinogenic effects seemed to start - I wrote and talked in the records about additional colour in the clouds, a hyper-white colour of the clouds, deeper blue around the clouds, clouds appearing purple. I wrote at this time that I felt that the gates were opening.
Around 8:30 I started wanting to lay in the grass outside, it wanted me to lay on the grass, even though the grass was wet from overnight rain and it was cold outside. I put on sweatpants / hoodie and a coat and layed under a blanket (seriously it was cold). Hallucinogenic effects at this stage included seeing shifting patterns in the cloud, faces in the clouds, deeper colours, hyper-perception of the dew on the grass. In all the time after this I am mostly laying on the grass ( on the grass predominantly until 6-7pm except when coming inside to pee / drink water / make my recordings and notes every half hour to hour or soish)
I read my second list of questions but I didn't feel the same clairvoyant question and answer effect that I did. Instead, what I got seemed to be Gaia saying hush boy, you don't always get answers. Lay down and let me show you.
I also wrote 'the meaning of life - just be' in gigantic letters on my notebook at this stage.
Around 9: starting seeing colour between and around the clouds (eg. purple lines around the clouds), cat faces in the clouds; a lion face far away in the clouds; and then the clouds dissolved into fractal pattern of fluffy white kitties (in the audio recording I describe them as being like doctor evils cat before it got shaved). I could also hear a cat meowing a few doors down (alot of outdoor cats on my street). Still a massive body high. Also noticing extra texture to everything.
Shortly after at 9:10 - numbers started appearing inside out and backwards. Birds again - seeing the wings flapping in slow motion and also hearing the sound of the flapping and seeing the birds in multiple places as they flew across the sky.
Around 10AM: Smaller-bigger hallucinogenic effects; my hands started feeling tiny and then larger and my arms stretching. When watching my face in the selfie video it seemed to be curving and distorting. Kitties in the clouds still; started feeling that the earth was spinning the opposite way as normal and that it was because the kitties in the clouds were using the earth as a ball to play with / paw at. At some point the clouds dissolved into a triangular fractal pattern.
Wrote down: She (earth mother or gaia or the cactus?) telling me to Let it be, don't have to aks questions all the time. The purpose of life is to just be and to just play. It was showing me.
10:30 - laying outside listening to the beatles instrumental (no singing); clouds started dancing intenstly to the beetles. In the audio and recordings I start losing what the concept of time means. Laughing and extremely happy. Feel that she is showing me to just play and have a good time. In the videos I am struggling intensly to keep my head up; I can only hold my head up for 3-4 seconds at a time then down for 10 seconds - in the video I'm mostly face planting trying to pull my head back up to talk. A
Went back outside. AT the time it felt like I was outside for eternity between 10:30 and the recording at 11:30 although I guess it was an hour.
I went back outside and I recall laying there asking my brother to walk with me, walk with me, walk with. Be with me. Over and over. He answered back 'how can I walk with you, you are laying in the grass.'.Laying in the grass I had closed my eyes and saw blacker than black, and around hte edges of the black were lines surrounded by pearly black balls flowing away - it was me, I was dissolving and disintegrating.
11:30 - in the video I made at 11:30 I immediately say that i have just had the greatest experience of my entire life. I am smiling. I was back in Canada after my brother died and in Europe when I found out my brother died, but also in Europe before i found out my brother died (the morning I found out he died but before I found at I recall feeling a presence in my room watching me even though it was just me in the room, and the night before I had become fixated on a huge raven that seemed to be following me) - I experienced being the raven and being the presence in the room. But I was also in New Zealand laying on the grass in my yard. But I was also in Canada. But time and space meant nothing but I was in the past and the present...and I was time. And I was the earth. And I was with my brother but I was also my brother, and I was my father, and I felt myself merge into everyone. I recall a zooming in and out scene from the sky where I zoomed in close up on my laying on the grass (out of body) then higher up, then higher up and further away still. I felt an overwhelming sense of love and unity; I can only describe it like everything in my mind and the world being pressed into a ball that was one interconnected thing. At the depth of the experience there was a metallic voice repeating in a wave-like fashion (something to do with our brain waves I guess?) "He's gone but he's still here he's gone but he's still here he's gone but he's still here he's gone but he's still here". As I came out of I heard, he walks with you. You walk together.
After this I had 2-3 more hours of laying outside watching the clouds, hallucinogenic effects - colours etc. I listened to music alot and I saw the music with my eyes closed dancing as colours and at times I could taste the music or taste things like flowers (and also hear them?). Sound also seemed to be 4-dimensional as did images on the computer. I have a boom 3 speaker and when it played I felt like I was being teleported and streteched - as if I was standing beside the speaker across the room but also sitting in my chair. Images on the computer also seemed to be four dimensional, or maybe just 3d out of 2d (basically, I could percieve and see the 3d distance between the layers in the images even though it's 2d - had the same effect looking at the clouds with clouds at different elevations. Like I was looking at the image from below but also I was up in the sky looking at it from the side at the same time).
Around 2-3 in the afternoon it seemed to be wearing off a bit and as before the trip started taking a bit sadder turn. The faces in the clouds stopping being cats and started being different not so nice faces - two-faced faces (happy / sad, or evil / nice), skull faces, the occasional demon, mean witch looking old ladies. I stared them all down and said I wasn't afraid of them and one by one they would go away. In between mean faces there were still some nice ones - a lion that had a four-dimensional mouth with a 3d box inside covered in insideout and backwards numbers and symbols. A long white cloud that became a huge fish eating plankton. Lots of fun effects with the music (dancing colorful closed eye visuals).
The comedown was (and still is) looong. Around 6 the closed eye visuals turned 'grey' for a period. Like, instead of seeing closed eye visuals or normal eye-closed, with my eyes shut everything was just solid grey.
Later in the evening after sunset (around 7-8) it still hadn't fully worn off, and I started getting nervous - it had been over 14 hours. Laying indoors the yellow light I had placed across the room and the heat pump started seeming demonic, like hell. The 1975 live at maddison square garden music video I had watched many times (I'm in love with you) instead of seeming 4d and happy, the singer started seeming like satan and the yellow like hell. I turned it off. I stared down the yellow light. Laying on my futon I started to hear a noise beside the bed where there was no sound source...the sound of the void, sucking in. Like sound hollow inside out sucking into an infinitely deep hole. In the video I say tha there are hands coming out of it. I reach out and hold them. I don't like it. Eventually I decide that the solution is to stuff the fluffy cloud kitties into the hole and let it close. I say I'm not afraid of it. Eventually it closes. At some point after this I lay outside on the deck under the stars - there are still effects. Some of the stars seem to supernova and then come back, others flick in and out. Orion and orions belt stretches and eventually shifts so that it seems to be pointing at something (milky way?). The stars also spread out in a way that they don't normally and I can see all kinds of random and new connections between the stars. Not sure how to describe it.
Later I am in bed. Still, she wont let me go. I feel mildly anxious and energetic and am not able to sleep until 1am. Right up until I fall asleep I am still getting mild effects when looking at my phone screen - the green light in the top right corner getting bigger and other effects, and mild closed eye visuals. When I wakeup, the effects don't seem to have fully worn off - in the morning I have brief closed eye visuals of a fractal pattern of cactuses.
The interesting part, and the part that I'm concerned about with the second trip, is that it's now 2 days later and I still feel a mild paranoia and maybe like mild psychosis. Not full on but I feel unusually jumpy and on edge. Other effects are the same - I feel the deep feeling of love and closure and I've also been getting up at 6am and going for runs. Will this wear off? I also still have verrry mild effects like over-perception of patterns in my coffee, or the bubble animation on my phone screen when I dial the pin in although that is fading.
An aspect of the second trip seems to have been duality (actually both trips, although the first was milder) - the two faced faces, the experience of sadness after intense happiness. I'm wondering if because the second trip seems to have been much stronger and deeper that is why the comedown has been longer.
So, that's all. Well - there's really more than this (I have 10 pages of during and post notes and drawings from each one and probably ~2 hours of audio and vide from each one).
submitted by Difficult-Hair-1032
to Psychonaut [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:49 SatanicMonke I don't want to live anymore.
I don't know if this is a pre suicide suicide-note that the police will find some day but fact is:
I don't want to live anymore. My live is just not worth living. It doesn't feel like I belong in this world. I am not intelligent, not talented, not eloquent enough to write interesting texts. Everyone around me is so smart. I am... stupid. I don't want to be stupid. I want to be smart like the others. But I can't even do basic calculations in my head. I have neither Hobby nor interests. I have friends but I'm easily exchangeable. I'm not a nice friend either. I'm emotionally unavailable and all I do is make jokes about myself and the world. I don't deserve one of my friends. I should leave all of them for good.
When I am left with my thoughts I fantasize about killing myself or being killed. I think about letters I could write to my family without making anyone feel guilty. I never think about my life, even though I'm only 16, I just think about my death. I don't want to live till 90. I don't even want to live till my 17th birthday. I want to fall asleep and never wake up again. But I'm not even strong enough to end it all. I don't want to suffer for a long time. I just want to switch life off like it never existed. Like I never existed. That way no one would feel sad. If anyone would at all. No one likes me. My mum talks to me in the most unemotional monotone way and her face looks like she just witnessed me killing her dog. My sister constantly annoys me and doesn't respect anything I say. My dad is... there I guess. Not a single person in my family even noticed my self-harm scars that decorate my arm. I didn't even try to hide him, maybe as a silent call for help. My family doesn't acknowledge that I am a trans man. They have the opinion that I am "following a trend", even tho I came out before this "trend" even started. They almost ridicule me always reminding me of how I am a "girl, a beautiful woman, a lady" and everyday I'm getting closer to cutting my artery or jumping off a bridge or hanging myself. But of course I must be wrong, they know me better after all. I am just a "regular teenage girl" who is "confused". What else. Who am I to decide or know who I am and want to be.
I am failing school, willingly. I just don't have the energy anymore to learn and "do good". Every day after school i see myself jumping off a bridge on the way home. Or in front of a car or train. Just anything that will make it end. Today my teacher told me that he thought I wasn't fit for physics class. Even though I'm doing pretty well. He said I'm not good enough to remember formulas -even though formulas are the one thing I'll always remember- which is why I would most definitely struggle or fail in the next two years. And maybe hes right. Maybe I shouldn't try at all.
I don't know if I will even make it till tomorrow. I feel like I'm gonna kill myself every second. But if I do, my mum would probably call me an narcissist. I overheard her saying this so many times about other suicide cases. She said that she "doesn't understand how people make everything about themselves and don't even think about their family and how they hurt everyone around them." And that's such a narcissistic thing to say. Assuming stuff about people who didn't see another solution or any hope for their life, being so depressed that they kill themselves. And I feel like that after a few weeks of maybe being sad, shes just gonna call me a narcissist too. I don't want to live for sure. I just don't know how to end it.
I want no one to notice that I have died. I just want to disappear one day and then have no one find me. When I watched the movie "Gattaca" I felt more jealousy than sadness when Jerome killed himself. He had another man take over his identity, no one would miss him except Vincent. And Jerome burned in a high energy oven. He probably didn't even notice his death and nothing of him would remain. I want to die like this I just want to be erased from earth. I would take my favorite stuffed animal with me. And have him accompany me while I die. Maybe, when I wake up in hell or whatever place I'll go to. He will be with me. I probably deserve hell for having even written this. I am not necessarily christian but when I fall into depths like this I am just convinced that I have to go somewhere after death, deserving eternal torture. Maybe I will be reborn as a bedbug or a rat or something. Or I have to relive this life until I've done everything right like in "Groundhog Day" which will take forever.
I wasn't meant for this world, but maybe when I'm dead i will finally get some sleep. I don't know. I just want to stop being miserable.
submitted by SatanicMonke
to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:48 PeachyBoi34 My worlds races
In my world I have many races here is a brief summary of them and what they are
Bovidae Description: humanoid body hooved feet with bull/buffalo-like heads with horns of varying sizes & shapes they have fur covering their whole body in varying lengths, patterns, & colors. They are one of the larger races, with the largest reaching the size of some Ursidae, they are broad and very muscular. they can be found all over the western hemisphere. A peaceful people that live in large groups, share most things and are rarely the aggressors in situations. They tend to be great farmers, laborers, and builders. They focus on defense and have safety in numbers mind set they are friendly towards all races and are accepting of most if they help and contribute to the group they also for the most part are vegetarians.
Canidae Description: humanoid body pawed feet with four toes they have canine heads with varying shapes they have fur covering their whole body with fur patterns and colors, and they have claws on their hands and feet they are smaller than most races but are of medium to smaller sizes and some are on the large size they have the greatest variety of any race. They are also the fastest of the races, with Feliade behind them. they can be found all over the western hemisphere. They are numerous and can be found in most countries and assimilate into any kingdom or nation they have great families (the two biggest being the wolf, and mastiff, with other great families and smaller ones as well. They are very into bloodlines they will have generations living in homes or grouped together homes near each other, they are extremely loyal and are great trackers, hunters, and livestock farmers they are friendly to most races and will work for anyone but will protect their pack/family at all costs they are also for the most part carnivores
Elephantidae Description: humanoid body flat feet with 4 toes and 4 fingers, they have an elephant like head with big ears. They have varying lengths of fur and tusks they live the second longest of all the races they also have great memories and are one of if not the largest of all the races their smallest matching some of the tallest of the other races. they can be found all over the western hemisphere They are outcasts for what their ancestors did and are a dying race clinging on to survival, they have no lands of their own and are now nomadic traveling in groups or finding logging under lords, kings, or whoever will house them. They find work as laborers or mercenaries and eat mostly vegetation. They are a proud people and some are trying to change their name and make up for their ancestor’s wrongdoing, other wishes for the power they once had.
Felidae Description: humanoid body with pawed feet and hands with retractable claws on both four fingers and toes. They have cat-like heads that vary in shape, and they have fur covering their whole body with varying colors and lengths. They are for the most part medium-sized but most of them are bigger than Canidae and have some larger sized members. They are the third most abundant race and they can be found all over the western hemisphere. They can be found all over the western hemisphere They are natural-born hunters and a lot of them form smaller prides (groups) or go out on their own. They have a loner mindset and care for few outside their pride and can be described as being cold killers that you can never get a judge on. They eat mostly meat and fish.
Sapidae Description: They are humans very magically inclined, the highest magic-born users out of all the races. They have varying color skin from dark to pale and hair that has varying colors as well, and they are not fully covered in hair as most races and have the largest diversity in looks besides Felidae and Canidae. Only found on the Island hidden by the storm (Storm Island) They are in a constant stay of war against the click, a virus that takes control of bodies and uses them as zombie like minions until they are burned or the area in which the click attached itself is destroyed they live in very defense-oriented cities with many passages and escape routes and are constantly giving up cities to the click and then taking them back once most of the click leaves they are also stuck on an island surrounded by a eternal storm that destroys any ship that ventures into it. They eat anything they can.
Ursidae Description:humanoid body with a bear-like head and claws on their hands and feet they have fur covering their bodies which vary in length and color. They are one of the bigger races behind Elephantidae, Hippopotidae, Rhinocerotoidae, Sharidae and Balaenopteridae. They can be found all over the western hemisphere. They are very solitary people enjoying their space and live distance from each other. Even their few cities are spread out, they have a big sense that the strongest should survive and lead. They will have families of 3 to 5 sometimes. They work mostly as bodyguards, mercenaries, and hunters. They eat meat and berries along with some vegetables. They are a proud race and will enact violence when it is needed and sometimes when its not to prove a point
These are the main ones but there are more tell me your criticism or what you like be gentle please.
submitted by PeachyBoi34
to worldbuilding [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:48 bargingi One of my [NB20] best friends [M20] is displaying very negative relationship habits towards other people in our friend group.
This may seem on the childish end, but it’s been nagging at me for a while.
My (NB20) friend (M20) has been great since I met him at the start of college. He is empathetic, well-intentioned, and used to be someone who went out of his way to support others. I think everyone could tell that the constant positivity was wearing him down, and in the past few months he’s become a lot more unstable and more focused on himself. It seems a bit like he’s having a crisis. In the midst of all this, he was in a relationship for about three months before he cut things off. I’ve noticed that he tends to engage in these three month relationships where he falls hard and then gets overwhelmed and drops it. We all told him to take this one seriously, and to his credit he did until his mood began to worsen, until a messy breakup was inevitable. Every voice, including his own, has said that he needs to stop the relationships and just give himself a chance to grow.
Now onto the issue that’s been getting at me. We live with another guy who we’re both great friends with. Super hardworking and funny, buts he’s a wreck around women. For consistency I’ll call the first guy Paul and the second Ben. Ben has been breaking out of his shell with this girl in our friend group, and while he’s a little unsure, she’s very into him and is willing to wait out his shyness.
Paul has been flirting with her like crazy. Everyone likes to mess around with her, but she’s a good person to bounce off of so I could see why Paul was doing it at first. However, he’s pretty much been full highschool flirting since the breakup, with the pushes and little mean jokes. It’s kind of tough for Ben to get a word in edgewise, but the fact remains that this girl is very much into Ben.
I’ve been watching this from the sidelines for a while, and Paul’s behavior is just really starting to put me off. This is the first time I’ve viewed him in a negative light and I don’t really know what to do. He just had a really nasty breakup and can’t seem to break his habit of going for another, all the while impeding on his friends chance to have a little personal growth. I feel like Paul is on the verge of creating some negative tension in our group. Ben still gets embarrassed enough about this girl that it’s hard to tell what he thinks, let alone get a straight answer from him. I just think Paul needs time to get better, he’s clearly going through a bad time and this behavior literally cannot help.
I’m worried I’m perceiving all of this incorrectly, and that if I say anything I’ll just create a problem out of nowhere.
submitted by bargingi
to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:48 enfpcarrot INTJ dumps ENFP - advice needed :))
Sorry in advance for a long post :)) I just need some advice - concerning the breakup between me and my ex boyfriend. I am an ENFP and he is an INTJ.
There are always two sides to a story, but I will tell you my side.
This guy was/is the love of my life. We were together for a year, the dynamic was different from any other relationship I’ve had before. We could talk about everything, we shared the same values and dreams about the future. It all seemed perfect. But, he never trusted me and that was our downfall… One day we were planning for our future and the next day he dumps me over text out of the blue. He throws out crazy accusations that were either based on rumors he has heard from others or his own conclusions. He is so stubborn and always think his conclusions are the smartest and most valid… INTJ :,-)… Some I could debunk with evidence but some I couldn’t, and my word wasn’t enough since he doesn’t trust me. But he realizes he accused me falsely and felt a lot of guilt and begged me to forgive him. As usual, I forgive easily and I forgave him on the spot. But I was still shaking and in shock after just being dumped. He wanted me back and I said I needed some days to process everything. Two weeks later when I had just started opening my heart up to him again after all he had put me through - he dumps me AGAIN with no explanation (Three days prior he wrote a long paragraph of all the things he loves about me). He said that he doesn’t owe me an explanation to the second breakup…
Some of the things he mentioned as reasons for the breakup:
- He accused me of trying to impress other men. (Which is funny since we live in different countries and I do not have social media so I don’t know where he got that information from). I am a social person and I connect with others easily, but I have zero interest in impressing others. I just want to impress him.
- He accused me of cheating, going on dates with other men (which broke my heart. I think cheating is the most disgusting and disrespectful thing you can do to your partner)
- He accused me of taking him and our relationship for granted (Maybe I did take the relationship for granted a little. I didn’t mean to, I was so secure and comfortable in what we had, maybe that came across as me taking him for granted?)
- He said I was a dishonest person who was incapable of telling the truth, and I haven’t done so since day one. (This one cut deep. I value honestly more than anything. Loyalty and honesty is key to any successful relationship. Every other person in my life always mention how loyal and honest I am - they always know I will tell them the truth, even if it is not pretty. So it hurts that he is the only one who thinks otherwise, since he is also the one I love the most. Jordan Peterson’s rule “Tell the truth, or at least don’t lie” has always resonated the most with me.
- He accused me of not prioritizing him and not giving anything to the relationship. (I honestly don’t understand how he could think that. I’ve told him I would drop my life here in a heartbeat to move to him if he wanted me to. I gave him many very thoughtful and personal gifts (he never gave me one gift). We put exactly the same amount of hours in the relationship since we talked for hours every night. Maybe I could’ve given him more affirmation? We mostly texted and it didn’t always come natural to me. I excel in person, not via text.:)
- He told me I was putting words on his mouth, words that he had not said. (I have terrible memory, his memory is scary good. So he remember things in detail whereas I might not remember them at all. This created problems when we were to recall something that has happened. I usually drop it since I know his memory is better than mine. But a few times I mentioned something (I thought) he had said to me and he went crazy, accusing me of making things up and putting words in his mouth wanting to make him look like a clown. I never wanted to embarrass him so that was obviously not the goal, we remembered a couple conversations differently. And usually I trust his memory, but some conversations I remember vividly and I get stubborn. He usually made remarks on how bad my memory was, laughing about it and also complaining how it was a burden for him to “carry” all my mistakes and missteps since I forgot them all and he had to carry that burden by himself. He really tried to embarrass me and he made me feel really worthless with those remarks… of course I wish my memory was good but unfortunately that is not the case.)
Obviously, there has been millions of misunderstandings and that is why I’ve been fighting so hard for our relationship. The breakup was based on rumors and misunderstandings, so I am still optimistic that we can get through it. I’ve been fighting to get him back for over a year, wrote a love letter to him every day for over 7 months. We’ve been talking for about 6 months now and he is planning to come visit me to talk things out (we live in different countries), but he’s been postponing it since before Christmas… I’m starting to lose hope and it feels like he is just using me.
I gave him everything and he treated me like the dirt under his shoes. My already low self esteem turned into self hatred. All my friends and family think I am crazy for putting up with how he has been treating me. But I am so stubborn that he is the one and we can work though all the misunderstandings…
Based on my way to long post, what are your opinions? What can I do, am I not being realistic when I think we can work things out and get back to how things were? Should I keep fighting or should I realize that it is over? Am I such a horrible person that he paints me out to be? My self perception has been so messed up lately…
If you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read my long messy post, I really appreciate it. <3
submitted by enfpcarrot
to ENFP [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:48 DnDThrowaway4545 [Online][5e][Avrae][1-on-1][PbP] Co-DMs and Co-players
Hello everyone, my name is Jay and I’m here looking for a partner and possibly a new friend!
How many times have you joined a game where it’s either fizzled out or you were the only one active it seems? I have a proposition for all those forever DMs out there who need a little break, but still get the chance to stay in the driver’s seat. Let’s run simultaneous games where I DM your character through a game and you do the same for me. Two games does sound like a lot, but remember, you only have one dedicated person to help push things along. I understand things can get rolling in one, so we’d shift our focus, but the point is that we are both getting the opportunity to play and DM at the same time. It doesn’t have to be a 50/50 split back and forth, we can take a break to focus on a combat or finish an important scene before swapping over. The best part about pbp I’ve found is that you play when you can.
I live in the EST time zone and would like to be searching for someone near the same so we’re not on the complete opposite side of the world (no hate to my Australian friends, it’s just hard to play sometimes). I’ve been running games and playing them through pbp for several years now, completing all of the ones I have personally started. This community can be awesome, and I’ve found a ton of great friends this way, so I want to reach out again. I’m familiar with bots such as Avrae, Rod, and Tupper, though I’m always finding new things to learn with them. I’d consider myself a veteran in 5e, having been playing the system since its release. I’m not perfect though, I’ll still mess up a rule here and there and I’m not going to be upset if you do too. I’m all for having fun and using rule of cool when I can, it’s about creating an awesome story along with the rules. Roleplay is an important aspect of the game and I’ve found pbp is certainly rp heavy, but I feel like with a one-on-one style of game combat wouldn’t drag as much.
Do you have a module you’ve been dying to run/play or have your very own homebrew world that you need someone to actually complete a story in? I’m looking for someone who wants to be a hero in their own game while helping me do the same in theirs. D&D is a collaborative effort where I love telling epic stories with crazy monsters and nearly impossible odds to overcome. Hopefully I can find someone and we have a ton of fun together!
Here is a form I'd like for anyone interested to fill out. If this format isn't your style, feel free to send me a PM on Reddit going over the information found in this form. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScn7BgCtVvU9cope40kTfVFBJXG5dGjfaN11fq5NoodvtGmvQ/viewform?usp=pp_url
submitted by DnDThrowaway4545
to lfg [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:48 jennyhunts Fun activities for the 1st weekend in May
I'm staying in Breck with a large(ish) group of gals from May 4-7... Does anyone have any recommendations for fun activities? We are open to anything but I've been coming up a little empty trying to find options during 'mud season'. Any recommendations on hikes that are doable during this time of year, boat rentals (the ones I reached out too don't start until the end of May), fun bars/ restaurants or even cinco de mayo related places... any advice is appreciated!
submitted by jennyhunts
to Breckenridge [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:48 GettingFasterDude Day 1104 of running streak with heel pain. Convince me to stop or keep going...
I'm at 3 years and eight days of daily running (at least one mile). I've done 4 marathons (including Boston) and multiple 5Ks-HM in that time. I averaged 30 miles per week year 1 and 65-70 miles per week years 2 and 3. I'm a 49-year-old male.
I've been incredibly injury free the whole time until 2 months ago when my left heel started hurting. It got better with decreased mileage and some stretches/plantar fascia massage. I managed to do a marathon 3 weeks ago and surprisingly, it didn't hurt. During my 10 days of very little recovery running, it didn't hurt at all, either. But 2 weeks after the race, as I was building my mileage back up, it started hurting with a vengeance. It was my longest run post-marathon, a 13-miler where I picked up the pace for 1 minute every mile.
Now I'm thinking the sensible thing to do is to stop running until it feels better and end the streak at just over 3 years. Or I could probably do one of two miles per day for a while and hope for the best.
Streakers and non-streakers: Give me your best reason to either stop and rest, or plod ahead at minimum mileage and hope for the best.
submitted by GettingFasterDude
to AdvancedRunning [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:48 debunkedrealitychaos The last day of public masturbation
I remember this day very clearly. Because it involved my aunt coming into town. There was little but unfiltered rage and anger from that woman directed at me for most of my life. Diluted with intense shows of affection and displays of love. The human existence is one of many layers. That is how trauma bonds work. That is how multi generational families full of abused children turned into narcissistic predators work.
I was squatted on the couch. The light brown crushed velvet/corduroy couch that i would rub the different textured lines of to sooth and calm myself to sleep.
I loved those couches. Always comfortable and always able to accommodate far too many people. The perfect height to align the table against to build a bigger bed..... to catch me from my nightmares that had me flailing and screaming...... and most importantly to give me space from someone coming up and touching me.
I was 5ish. Based on pictures of me, memories of myself wearing the yellow shirt. I rarely wore pants still. Actually, still, to this day. I prefer to be pants free. It's warranted rules for the kids returning home with friends unannounced..... and is joked about in our home now.
I wore panties. Too big.... because i, like all of us, am physiology changed. Moist. Wet. Dripping always. Id go through too many pairs of well fitting panties, soaked through. The air flow required. The easy access to myself, needed.
At different points in my healing, I have been able to normalize my body. It went hand in hand with being able to turn off the lighthouse of sexual, young and hungry loin listful searching energy.... that pulse we do. That same pulse that has dogs rockets popping when we are near. I am truly sorry for those of you who know this. But that pulse, that tingling we constantly have.... it can be refocused. Our bodies can be in our control, as intended. The dogs can be pet without their attempting to mount. I promise you this. This is possible. I am in this, for years now. And of course, when that pulse, when the urges, the NEED hits.... the dogs feel it.... revalidating the layers.of healing snd reminding myself of what i need to do again to be in control of my own body again. Sit with the new painful memories..... feel them. Integrate them and heal.
I re read these.... to myself. I talk to myself. The pieces lecturing me into growth.
It all hits us though. That shared consciousness. You feel what i feel..... however worked through your own experiences.
Its not just me writing, knowing people see. Its to myself. For me to see.
I follow these trains, the tracks winding..... wherever they go, no longer fighting.
My journey, my blessings.
The couch..... the squat. Auntie Dee. The blonde, curvy, mouthy bitch with the most fierce heart and passionate soul.
It was Uncle Randy whom she married.
It was her pussy i ....woke up.
It was her, who i first told the whole story to.... fripping blood, the house destroyed, the cat mangled..... insisting i asked him to touch me first - to which i did.
He stood there. She stood there. I between them, standijg on the couch. Her fresh to the scene the cats mangled yowls alerting her, despite my insisent screaming for millions of moments before.
Back to the couch....in the living room at my grammas.
My mother and grandmother smoking, drinking coffee in the kitchen at the big.round table with the super awesome swivel chairs.
These details are important for me.
So many mixed emotions.... the furniture always present, explanatory. These memories get stored into things.... its why i have had so many pieces of furniture.... i sit on a couch, i remember every time i sat on the couch. Remove the trigger, silence the screams for a time.... of course they build louder the deeper they go, more frantic for release.
I was watching tv. No foster kids were in the room. Maybe not even in the house. Im not sure.
At my own home, before we moved here, and at my grandparents home from my father, we were all encouraged to masturbate. Publicly.
She was there. Living five units away!!! Sexually benefiting from my own terrors from the men who had us both. Financially benefiting. THAT BITCH ATE MY BACON!!! LITERALLY. FUCKING CUNT.
Ive only been eating bacon again for four years. Since the TBI, since the vault doors swung open rebealing the faces that the fuzzy faces wore in my mind.
She came into the room. I in my hands on squat, easy accessed with the loose panties.
The words she used. The anger and rage she hurled at myself.
I WAS ONLY DOING WHAT I WAS RAISED AND ENCOURAGED AND NEVER BEFORE TOLD NOT TO DO.
Homewrecker. Whore. Cunt. Dirty.
The competition that was always thrown at me..... a toddler. Their husbands dirty deeds.... repulsed them and caused them to hate me. Stab me. Beat me. Starve and poison me.
All under the guise of a happy, healthy home full of successful helpers and professionals.
I did live in chaos, but my appearances..... fun and happy supportive family.
The trust..... i trust myself. Its now irrelevant if others are trustworthy. because i am. I have my own back. I lead by example. I fight for myself. Kindly. Gently. Again, i lead this. This is my life. I need gentle. I am gentle. I need flexible. I am flexible.
When i start going off on others not meeting my needs..... it is because i am guilty of the same behaviours.
I get ghosted, because i ghosted.
I feel unheard, because i am not listening. Etc.
I keep rewriting my self worth.
I trust myself. Now.... do i respect myself? I am working on that. I felt disrespected..... so i started respecting myself by honouring i am allowed to have a voice. I am allowed to speak. My words hold value, more than any uses of my body or mind.
I refer to my family using my.mind sometimes....
I run businesses. I always have. Business school on scholarship during the summer from grade 10-11. We are all capable of surpassing our environment. Houseplants need to be repotted.
Shattering offered so many opportunities for excelling.... the mind never stops.
The very fact i was called a homewrecker..... validates their knowledge in a very peaceful way.
Im going to go roll a few joints and charge the phone up. Its time to find another tree to climb at the river.
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2023.03.28 19:47 Mysterious_Glove_746 Panicking over unintentional weight loss
F50, 5'3" 100 lbs., unintentional weight loss.
I am panicking over unintentional weight loss. I have gone from 110 to 100 lbs, from 105 to 100 this month. I started taking Diamox in November for vestibular migraines, but I was told this drug would not cause weight loss.
I have had an abdominal ultrasound that showed nothing, although the pancreas was not well visualized. I have an appointment with a GI, but worried and hoping to find someone to tell me that there are non-super bad things that might cause this.
submitted by Mysterious_Glove_746
to AskDocs [link] [comments]
2023.03.28 19:47 Personal-Season-1110 What are the reviews for online coaching for the CA exam?
| || | submitted by Personal-Season-1110 to u/Personal-Season-1110 [link] [comments]
The reviews for online coaching for the CA exam are generally positive, with many students finding it to be a convenient and effective way to prepare for the exam. Physicswallah is one such online coaching platform that has received positive reviews from students. Many students appreciate the flexibility and convenience of online coaching, as they can learn from the comfort of their own homes and at their own pace. Additionally, online coaching often provides access to high-quality study materials, practice tests, and expert guidance from experienced teachers, which can be especially helpful for students preparing for competitive exams like the CA. However, it's important to note that not all online coaching platforms are created equal, and it's important to do your research and choose a reputable and effective platform. Reading reviews and testimonials from other students can be a helpful way to evaluate the quality of an online coaching program. One thing to keep in mind is that while online coaching can be a useful tool for exam preparation, it's still important to supplement your studies with self-directed learning and practice. Ultimately, success on the CA exam will depend on your own hard work and dedication.